Witness to withness #15

September 1, 2012
It was a dreamy night-I doubt I can remember it all. Much of my struggle of late has been to try to formulate some reality that can transcend my anxiety and doubt. The first dream I remember I was given a second chance to write a paper about two books I read-one the prince and the pauper and the other more fantasy related even if the name eludes me. I am on top of the world that I can share my world of mental illness as a platform of understanding in more depth the books that I read. My only issue is that I only have until Tuesday to get the job done. At one point in the dream I am at my parents’ home and am trying to rustle up money to buy a printer. I realize that I can’t go to the library, because Labor Day is the next day. I am trying to figure out ways to get at the gist of the books meanings-getting a summary off the computer is one thought. I am intent on getting the most out of the story without necessarily having to go through the whole thing. The context is Eastern Nazarene College, the place I graduated college. The teacher is an attractive white woman of medium height who I admire for her lucidity and relevance. I am trying to get my letter grade from being incomplete, because I did not type it in a way that could be understood. Dean Helfrich is in the dream as a resistor. He was the same person who was instrumental in getting me hospitalized when I was a Junior in college. I can only hope to get a retrial.

In another dream sequence I am looking for my car-it is purplish. I fear it has been stolen again. I find out that it is at a school some distance away. I search for my keys and eventually find them in a jeans pocket with my credit card. I then set out to get reunited with my car, which ends up being only a short distance away. I am again at my parent house and they know to direct me to where to find it.

In another dream sequence I am on the road and there is a skanky kind of place where people are eating food. I go to observe workers and help where I can. I watch as one person is shown how to wrap up a sandwich with paper. I am with the manager of the place, a dad figure. I try to make it simple by just squaring it up and am admonished by the manager for not teaching the right way. After that the person wraps it up perfectly the way the proprietor had shown earlier.

I find myself in another sequence at a park and I lose my shoe/moccasin slipper and I am going through a myriad of vegetation type growth/grass and weeds I contract a nasty bunch of poison ivy. At some point I jump from a building ten feet high and do not feel the hurt. This is off a cliff like setting. There are ponds and animal habitats and make notes of it. On a map I find, though I cannot recall all that I saw. Later I will look for the slipper I lost so that I can go shopping for my printer.

Another dream sequence has me seeking out any value in having been hospitalized in a mental health setting and working in various settings in the hospital. It is a lengthy sequence that reminds me of work with Frances, a developmentally disabled adult and various caregivers who were more like prisoners than free. I recalled the gray and black slate floors and times I was shot in the ass with thorazine to calm me down. I eventually progress to talking with someone about teaching special education with adults and kids at a facility I had seen in another dream. I am faced with all the work it would take to be able to be accepted with the credential.

All in all the dreams face me with a greater sense of itching to get my life on track. Part of the problem is trying to figure out what it is going to take to make this happen. I have limited resources and in reality my Mom and Dad are not able to help-my Dad is dead and Mom has enough struggles. What is the vehicle or place that will get me there? In the long run it seems like using what I already know is my most likely key to feeling peace in the midst of the storm. There seem to be so many distractions. Some of it is the beauty of the second chance and there is also the anger of others who don’t know the real me. At the end of another dream sequence I am confronted with not using my ministerial colleagues to understand why everything went wrong at a church I went out my way to pastor. My response is that I did not go, because I was not invited. There is still time. I need to find the energy and the resolve that gets me there!!!

My dreams put me back in touch with wanting to share my story “Witness to withness”, which evolved out of my struggle to overcome mental illness at Taunton state hospital. I just cannot figure out how to start. I can only hope with time I can get a notebook and write some thoughts that might translate into some semblance of congruity with who I want to become. I pray God give me strength and discernment about proper timing. I am also struggling to understand my present relationship with Sharon. I cannot help wondering if the two issues are somehow joined together since I feel so much angst about whether I am normal and whole.