Prologue

Prologue



I never thought of killing myself, it just became a condition .Kind of like catching cold. One minute you're fine and the next minute you're sick. Whenever people talk about suicide, I would think to myself "I'll never do that". Then I had this weird kind off feelings and I always wonder what it was. It wasn't something rare, I always have them when I get sad or sometimes when I am alone till I found out that I always have a reason to be sad so that I can have that weird feeling or I'll separate myself from the group. Sometimes I like being around people and sometimes I don't. My weird feelings were continuous...like it had possessed me. I always felt I was helpless and hopeless like there was really nothing better to improve my life situation at that time. Most of the time, I have no interest in activities that usually I enjoy doing like I stop reading novels when I had my first panic. It's basically I've lost my interest in things I love. Change in weight? Not really a very big effect but I've lost my weight due to severe sick. Then I realise that I sleep too much or sometimes it's not enough or even worse, difficulties in sleeping. I think I have hypersomnia. Well, the most common one is I always feel tired which I don't really know why because even though my class is only for an hour I still feel like it was for the whole day and I feel tired. It feels great that if I don't move for a few hours from my bed. I also have this sickness where I feel my assignments are too much when they're less than a page. I have no energy and with the least energy I might have left with, I feel it's too heavy to stuff it all into my brain. Body aches is also one of my problem. It's not that my whole body aches but just the part where the back of my body around the shoulder. I thought it was because I love to sit like a "hunch-backed" person but unfortunately I don't think so that was the reason. Well, I definitely have a strong feeling where I love to criticize about myself and also blame myself for other's mistake and sometimes I just feel restless because people around me just don't get me and they just get on my nerves. At last would be my thought to suicide. After I had all these in me throughout the whole year I just figured it all out around the corner of the end year. It's called Depression. Sounds funny? Everybody have depression. Everyone in the whole English speaking world knows what depression is and they all undergo depression almost every day of their life. So let me share my story too because in these whole freaking world, I live too. I undergo depression but it's just a mild depression because I haven't hallucinated or attempt suicide yet. But I had all those weird feelings and I myself thought it was just a normal thing because everyone have depression and I always tell myself there are people out there stuck in huge trouble than me and even than they came up to be the great ones. I also used to belief that having a problem is always normal as being a teenager but solving them in a way when people look at you next time would say that you're great is quite impossible for me. I solved mine by telling lies and at first it was pretty great.  Lying was perfectly normal at this age.  At least I knew it was normal. This entire little-little lie I had to tell came up to me as a huge lie when I had to someday face the truth. But I had to lie because at that time that was the right thing that came up to my mind. I didn't know that it would hurt me so badly until I could think of suicide which is something scary and I'm actually even afraid of heights. So at that clumsy and anxiety situation I had to lie. Some people choose to believe to that lie but of course because they didn't knew it was a lie. Some didn't because it was so hard and complicated as they could imagine what if one day it was revealed. It could be revealed in a good way or bad way but all that matters is you lied and the most frequently asked question would be "Why ?". This is where the mistake of people is shown and told because this is the part where he or she finally decides to tell the truth and then they feel sorry. In the other way round, you would probably be mocked and people will look at you in hatred way. You will be punished and thrown away from the society group that you believed because you committed a crime that is totally unforgivable. I know which one would be my side if not I wouldn't have all those weird feelings. I'm only praying if there might be miracle. People say miracle happen. So I choose to belief that miracle might happen. I know I might sound crazy but the only way that I could do is to pray hard to hope miracle happens. God is there and He wants things to happen on His own way. I choose to tell a lie, I choose to read upon depression, I choose to decide for myself what happens if the truth is revealed and I choose my life. But what if all these strong words don't work anymore? I am so tired of listening to them until I feel that I can't fight it back and I have to let it rest. People say that don't listen to others and fight for yourself, be who you are, stand up and show the world you can do it! But what if I'm sick of listening to these because none of these are helping me to solve my problem and the worse is I don't even feel motivated my those words. Now this is where problem starts!



~~will be continued