My McGuffin

I put the McGuffin Device in my pocket, took a deep breath, and went inside. The room was dim and wide and had that strange hybrid smell of cigarette smoke and air ionizer. Some horrible toad-faced hag sat at a digital slot machine hacking up bits of her Marlboro charred lungs and clutching a bucket of dimes like she used to clutch her now estranged child. Filthy, miserable people, how did I end up here? I approached a Halfling woman standing behind the counter. She looked like some inbred Alaskan native.

“Hello,” I said.

A voice blurted from the corner. “Hello, that’s five letters. Five.” My eyes darted and I saw a boy with scraggly hair and oversized teeth staring attentively at nothing.

“Yes, well,” my eyes drifted back to the small woman, “I seem to have gotten myself turned around. This is Highway 184, correct?”

“One eighty four, that’s one hundred eighty four. One eight four,” the boy said.

The woman stared at me, mouth slacked.

“It’s just, I think I might have gone off course a bit. You see I was trying to find Highway 7 north. I think I passed it. Is it that way?” I pointed to the rear of the room.

“Highway 7.” The woman said. I wasn’t sure if it was a question or a statement. She was taking too long to reply, too long to think. I was getting nervous. Shit, I’m going to be trapped here forever, these freaks will do weird things to my body before they kill me--I just know it. Fucking say something. I could feel the beads of nervous sweat forming on my head.

“Seven that’s one, two, three, four, five, six, seven,” the boy said. “Seven plus seven is fourteen, twenty one, twenty eight, thirty five, forty two,” he continued on.

“Highway 7,” she said again. “Yea you want to go about four miles west on 184 and you’ll run right into it.”

She pointed out the window and from inside I could see a man standing in the parking lot. He was huge, African American, to be correct, with black pants and a black tank-top hugging his bubbling muscular body. A small Mexican man stood near him, obviously arguing about something. I could hear the muffled confusion through the walls.

“Thanks,” I said. This was it. This was my ticket out. I had to hit Highway 7 and haul ass. I was on the right track, on the right way.

I stepped outside and the volume of the argument spiked from quiet to loud. The large man shot me a glance from folded arms. The back of the Mexican man’s head wobbled as he babbled quick swear words in his native tongue. Steady now, you’re almost to the car, just don’t—suddenly a man rode up on a bicycle with a duffle bag resting on the handles.

“Hey,” he said. “Look, I’ve got it.” He opened his bag and inside I saw porno magazines and bottles of spray cologne.

Jesus.

“I’ve got whatever you need, man.” His shifty crack eyes darted about.

“No, I’m fine,” I said. “I don’t need anything.”

Just then the fuzz rounded a corner. Damnit, this looks bad, doesn’t it? Fucking pig cop, he’s probably worse than the degenerates that clogged the streets of this terrible town. Got to get out of here. If these animals only knew what I had in my pocket...

“Hey,” the cop shouted at us. I could feel everyone's nervousness pouring into the air like the stench of a days old carcass. It stunk, probably like the cheap cologne in that bag. The man on the bike started off down the street without a word and I was left facing the cop alone. I knew it. This is how it ends. They've got me now and there is no turning back. My asshole was tighter than NASA's math.

“Is everything okay?” The police officer asked me.

“Oh,” I stuttered, “yes, everything is fine. Some crazy man…” I gestured down the street. The McGuffin Device was burning a hole in my pocket. It was all I could think about. Play it cool. Don't blow your cover.

“Alright, just checking, this can be a dangerous spot to hangout, I’d suggest you keep moving.” That savior in disguise. What a world. Hallelujah thank god for cops!

I thanked the officer and started toward my car. What kind of oblivion hell-pit had I gotten lost in? Where the hell was I that the cops actually cared for your safety? This was bad. I had to get out of this place with a fury.

I got in my car, cranked the engine over, and was out of dodge with the speed of the gods. Just me and my McGuffin. Nice and safe.