Once Upon A Time, Chapter I

What was the phrase that all the great storytellers use?

Ah, yes. Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Phantasmia, Joseph Everyman dodged for cover in an alleyway as a fireball flew in his direction.

Joe, having nowhere to turn, resigned himself to his fate as the police rounded the corner, and gave himself up.

" Joseph Everyman!" bellowed Sergeant Piper, "I Personally And Professionally Proclaim That Thou Art Under Arrest!"

Sergeant Piper had previously been a pepper farmer by trade, and had used alliteration very heavily when advertising his wares on the market, and so after a while it had become permanently engraved in how he spoke to people.

"Alright, alright, I give myself up. Please, do not harass me about it."

Joseph knew that he'd done nothing wrong, but realised that there was no point in arguing with Sergeant Piper, as Piper's method of policing was incredibly bombastic and over-the-top, and relied more on a theatrical understanding of policing than an understanding of actual policing. He was noted for putting arrested criminals through golden lock tests, despite the fact that they didn't actually detect whether or not someone was telling the truth, rather, they merely detected one's stress-levels. He was also noted for his love of elaborate chases and shoot-outs, to the point where wands and staves were often kept as far away from him as possible.

He hung his head in shame as they shackled him, took him by the arm, and guided him towards the patrol vehicle.

The patrol vehicle was a stagecoach, with a steering wheel, gear-stick, and handbrake fitted up front. There was no harness or frame to which horses might be tied at the front, as the thing was enchanted to pull itself.

The two officers who had arrested Everyman (Sergeant Piper and Constable Plod) sat up front, while Everyman himself was locked inside.

The officers spoke not a word to one another as Piper pulled the handbrake, shifted the gear-stick into Second Gear, and pulled the stagecoach out onto the road.

The stagecoach itself was powered by silence, so this was entirely necessary. The stagecoach turned left from Botter Street, onto Six-Pence Street. As it turned onto Six-Pence Street, a young beggar woman, with hair as yellow as corn, ran out in front of the stagecoach, and begged it to stop.

Piper, desperate to not run this poor woman over, yanked on the handbrake so hard that it was almost wrenched from its socket.

Constable Plod irritably looked down his nose at the woman, rolled his eyes at her, and said "Madam, could you please get out of the way? We are trying to deliver a convicted criminal to jail!"

The woman glared up at him. "Officer," she said, "I have come to liberate my darling one from your clutches, and if you will not let him go, then please run me down!"

"Oh God," Constable Plod thought, "another one of these theatrical types..."

"Look, I am trying to be reasonable here. Please, either get out of the way, or get run over. Please, kindly do not disrupt the course of justice."

And the woman wailed, moaned, and pleaded so heavily with Plod, that Plod grew tired of her after ten minutes, and proceeded to nudge Piper in the ribs, and whisper something to him. Piper, equally fed up with this woman's nonsense, got down from the driver's seat, marched over to the coach's door, opened it wide, and yelled inside: "Everyman, You Yellow-Bellied Bastard Who Sleeps With Sluts! This Thot Thinks That Thou Art Her Lover, Get Out In The Open and Set Her Straight!"

Joe begrudgingly got out of the coach, and followed Piper round to the front of the vehicle, upon which point the beggar-woman, all rags and tatters, charged at Joe and threw herself upon him. "Oh Joe, my sweetness!" she exclaimed.

Joe groaned. He knew this lady well, and, though he liked her well enough, there was always a great stench of shit about her, which would never leave, no matter how hard she washed herself. She also had this annoying habit of clicking her tongue , and speaking in overly-flowery language. Her grip on him was tight. "Hello, Lucy..." he gasped.

"Joe, wherefore art thou here, ensnared as thou art *click* in this depraved trap of arrest?"

"Lucy, they've arrested me on the grounds of drug-smuggling. I didn't do it, and I don't know how they came to that conclusion, but here I am. I ran from the police for three days, but they cornered me in an alleyway ten minutes ago, and I gave myself up, as I had nowhere else to run."

"I understand, dear. How art thine brothers, dearest Jeremy, James, and John?"

"Jerry, Jimmy and Johnny? Well, that's a sad story. Three years ago, they joined the army, and fought a war in Arya. Johnny got lost and was never found while marching to the capital, Jimmy drowned in the Ganges, and Jerry was hanged for looting."

She bowed her head in silence for a minute, out of respect for the dead.
"Now how--"

"-- Pardon me, Madam," Plod interrupted, "but what, exactly, is your profession?"

"I tell you sir, verily, that I am a trugging-woman!"

Plod blinked twice bemusedly.
"What."

"A doxy-- a trull-- a tawdry one-- a lady of the evening."

"I'll say it again, what?"

"I'm a whore."

"Oh. Well madam, we're deeply sorry, but we're going to have to arrest you."

"Oh, very well." Then she realised what Constable Plod had just said. "What?"

"Don't worry. You'll only be in jail for three weeks, and then we'll let you off with a
fine of £80 for your crime. And twenty lashes, of course."

"What."

"The lashes are for your own good, madam. The physician told me that they 'beat the hysteria' out of a woman, and prevent her from engaging in such affairs thereafter."

Lucy (whose full name, I must inform you, was Lucy Locket), rolled her eyes irritably at him, and willingly, but begrudgingly, accepted the handcuffs which the policeman fitted around her wrists.

When they reached the station, Joe was hauled into the interrogation room. The interrogation room was painted grey from top to bottom, with a floor of equally grey flagstones. There was a small table in the centre, with a chair placed on either side of it.