A very young memory of fear and pain and my parents |
Awakening
by Debora A. McKinsey (Note this remembering event occurred on or about 22 December 1990) Darkness floating Pleasantness peaceful Drifting Darkness soft surrounding Engulfing Pleasant dreamily float Darkness Forever touching Caressing lightly Warm stroke Darkness ahead thinning A shadow of light opening I walk toward the opening door. No longer disembodied Floating I feel the tenseness of legs, calves and thighs, of lower back and constricted throat and chest I am afraid My fear grows to terror as I approach the open door As I walk towards soft velvety light all violet and green I stop just inside the darkness shadowed My terror is thick in my chest, throat, guts, and legs I feel the willingness to turn and run me away I stand frozen Not willing to enter the light Unable to turn away I hear a baby screaming Pain overwhelming I feel a voice in my brain, calm, rational, insistent Yes this is a scary place to be, but you have been here before You lived this once You will be able to live through again The door opens more I'm touched by the edge of the light I feel myself step back No longer frozen Now gripped in terror away away away I feel the "NOOooo..!" Ripped from my guts It is dark I am floating Disembodied Touched by nothing Feeling nothing Wanting nothing 'Except to stay forever here in nothing Darkness Floating Pleasantness Peaceful drifting Darkness Soft Surrounding Engulfing Pleasantness dreamily float Darkness Forever Touching Caressing Softly warm stroke Darkness ahead Thinning A shadow light growing I walk toward an opening door Tense coldness in bowels Expands to constrict chest Shallow breath I take Gasp The light beckons Touches curiosity Wanting A need frightenly overpowering Calves, thighs, toes tense Ready to take me Run away impulse Strong Past survival technique The light touches my hand "Why have I reached out and touched the light?" I smell the terror of what is hidden in violet and green I cannot pull my hand back I feel the soft soothing voice in my brain "It is okay to be afraid. I won't allow you to be hurt. Please, believe me. I love you. I won't allow you to be hurt." I have my hand back Protected tight against my chest I've turned I've ran I feel the disappointment throb in my head I feel the voice crying "NOOooo!" Silence Darkness Sweet floating Not touching Not touched No feelings No trust Wanting nothing Nothing to want 'Except to stay in the dark I feel safe in the dark I want to staaay .. staaay .. staaay Darkness floating Pleasantness Peaceful drifting Darkness soft surrounding Engulfing pleasant dreamily float Darkness forever touching Caressing softly warm stroke Darkness thins Light shadow overpowering I stand inside the open door Statued terror No scream I Yet I am screaming Baby screaming Pain engulfing Terror sickening Retching Choking Inside rational voice I feel soothing Inside brain calm insistence affecting Gut emotion terror raging Hunger hurts and I am crying Big she screaming scaring Small and weak I am smothering Deep voice angry yelling Terror jerks every nerve fiber Convulsion Smothering weight lifted Gasping screaming Big she shouting leaving Terror gasping snuffle choking I am crying On my knees begging "Please don't hurt me no more." Dark daddy person lifts me Cradled Rocking gently Crooning soothing Held in arms Trembling Remnants terror leaving sucking lip still crying Calm Mommy voice Questioning She baba giving I reach out and grasping Warm fluid nourishing Sweet Grabbing Holding Sucking Gulping Breathe and drink some more Eyes drooping Full belly Cramping Whimper Lifted back rubbing Crooning Dark daddy person walking I feel better Contented Floating down Blanket covering Darkness engulfing Sleepy Drifty Darkness Floaty Touched and touching Pleasantness Fear calmed Pain gone Drift to darkness' safety Sleep is bliss Sleep is peace I'm secure when I sleep I love my dark daddy person He is gone Darkness floating Pleasantness Peaceful drifting Darkness Soft surrounding engulfing Pleasant Dreamily float Darkness forever touching Caressing Softly warm stroke Darkness gone Shadow light conquering I stand in an old attic surrounded by boxes and crates All dusty tied, locked or taped Inside rational voice I feel talking in my brain "All your locked way memories, nightmares and screams. Explore slowly and carefully, I promise to be with you always. I will not let anything hurt you. You can trust me." The words they comfort me I'm not sure why But, it is time to reenter world awakening and face my here and now reality I drift fuzzily, slowly forcing consciousness Awakening I stretch and lucidly reflect Rage over powering ... As adult I am forced to search deep inside for the source of my anguish. Such pain I have locked away so I could retain my sanity Now it is time to let go of my demons Long past deserving Originally written: 27 Dec 1990
first placed into type: 18 March 1991 transcribed to Stories.com: 3 October 2001 Published in the January 15 issue of Abstracts ... http://www.geocities.com/amjay96/Welcome.html "Invalid Item" |