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2024. Going anywhere inside my little world. |
| Come on the adventures of a little mouse as she writes about her opinions and her life. |
| Planned on writing more yesterday but I forgot. Didn't do anything anyways except dye my hair. This morning I had my appointment with my physician. My xrays I had back in February showed nothing, of course. She said not to worry about my ankle unless it seems to be getting worse or not healing. All my bloodwork came back good. MaryLynn is retiring at the end of the month and some guy named Justin is taking over for her. I will miss her. I'm thinking of stopping my Humana Insurance. The stuff I can get with my allowance every month the list is getting shorter and shorter. The only other benefit I can think of is I don't have any med co-pays but they also keep changing what meds they will cover. I need to speak with someone about my benefits should I go back to medicaid/medicare but I don't know who. I think that is what Terry is on and she has been having almost as many problems as me...... maybe I should talk to Tracy. Crochet went fine today. There were only three students and Jacob didn't do a dang thing but work on a hat he decided he didn't like and look up things on his computer (he said he was looking up patterns but one can not be sure)., I left at 2:30 pm. and decided to come home. Everything was just plain okay today. Now that I guess I am considered healed no one is doing anything for me any more. If I'm lucky David might make me a meal. I think he is rebelling because I supposedly got up and made myself a sandwich while the worker was here so they cut the amount David was getting to take care of me. That doesn't explain why the house is a mess however. Sore teeth or not the house is starting to smell. |
| I tried to start a diamond painting today and ended up with diamonds everywhere. I definitely need a large flat surface and I need to stop shaking. Nothing else to do today. I have been working on crochet off and on. That has been a slow process..... Tomorrow I have an appointment with my medical doctor in the morning then have crochet group in the afternoon. It means I will be spending the whole day at CMH. Oh well. At least I won't be on my foot the whole time. David has been up twice but he hasn't given me my pills yet. he is in pain with his teeth so I am trying to cut him some slack. |
| I'm almost back to not caring...... almost. I want to run and get away from the house as much as possible. I went to my appt with my psychiatrist today though and David I guess didn't even know I was gone.... He threw a fit when I texted him I was back so I could get my morning meds. Accused me of bad mouthing him and trying to make him lose his job. I did nothing but sing his praises while I was at CMH. Anyways I decided not to go to Wire Wrapping tomorrow or to clubhouse as I had previously planned for Thursday. Don't ask me what I'm going to do here because I haven't got a clue...... I told my psychiatrist that I was back on all the meds I was on before the hospital. As far as I know that is correct. She wants to see me in a month instead of the usual three which is fine with me. David forgot it was garbage day so now we're going to have it piling up for another week. I wasn't about to try and get those huge cans down the front porch with my sprained ankle. I would have fell on my head. Besides, when I was growing up garbage was the males job (yes I'm pulling the sexist card here). I played games on my tablet when I should of been writing or reviewing but just thinking of doing that stuff gives me a headache. I've got two diamond paintings pulled out to try and work on but I don't see how without making a mess. I don't want to do them at the dining room table because I can hear David throwing a fit about diamonds everywhere already. I love him to death I do but sometimes he is just set in his ways. Okay this entry is starting to go in circles so I'm going to quit. |
| Back to the old grind tomorrow..... I'm going to take the bus in the morning to CMH to talk to my psychiatrist. Hopefully we can figure out what happened and prevent it from happening to someone else...... I just looked up two of the meds they had me on and they are not supposed to be given together. The more I look up of what they did do to me them more I think they were using me as a guinea pig or something.... I don't know. It is over with and I'm glad it is done....... I hate when they talk about money here.....it is always sounds like we are on the verge of losing the house....... I have to stop listening in on conversations...... Wednesday I might go back to wire wrapping but I'm not sure. I've been gone for at least three weeks. Sally did say I have an appointment with them. Maybe they are starting over. I don't really want to start from the beginning again but I will if I have to. Thursday is a free day this week. I think I'm going to take it off to recouperate. I have a full day at CMH on Friday with seeing my Physician then having crochet class. Found out today the Visiting Physician that I wanted to switch to doesn't take my insurance. I'll have to talk to my doctor on Friday about referring me to the visiting foot doctor. Otherwise I am just going to let my feet continue to get tore up. I'm tired of running all over town to see different doctors for different things. I'm losing track of who is who. |
| I finally looked at the craft room today. I would have to start a new Diamond Painting from scratch. The craft room is definitely a disaster area and I don't remember what was where even before it got bombarded with other things. About the only thing looking at it really did was piss me off...... I started crocheting a little bit on a project I had started before, scrapping what was left of it with a jimmy rig set up. I don't know if anyone understands that explanation but to tell the truth I don't care. I keep thinking of trashing this blog and just doing an offline journal. It's not like there is anything worth while in this one. but then I would have nothing I'd be doing here on WdC. But this is part of my life....... maybe it would force me to do something more on here. But what? My raffle is a joke. I just cleaned it up the best I could but it is still a big ball of cotton candy without the flavor. What else would I do? Start a contest? With what prizes? start an activity? what kind? what would I do? I feel like my head is almost constantly spinning and I feel light headed. I try to think or make sense of anything and my head hurts. All I want to do is lay around and sleep. I'm going to go try to play a game. |
| I can bring you up to date in a nutshell I went into a lock down unit in the hospital for six days.... They put me on all the wrong combination of medicines in all the wrong doses.... When I got home I couldn't walk, I couldn't speak, and I couldn't keep anything down...... David looked up my meds and talked to the pharmacy....Sally came that Monday and helped us talk to CMH..... I am just now getting back to myself..... The problem? I'm almost back to where I was before I put myself in the hospital... I don't want to die...... but living is not the greatest prospect ..... I'm in limbo..... I 'm hoping I can get back to some things next week or something...... My life is on hold waiting for things to change..... I just don't know what to say.... I don't want to do anything , don't want to write. I don't want to crochet. I don't want to go back to wire wrapping .... I want to work on diamond painting but the craft room is a disaster...... I'm going to look at the craft room tomorrow and see what I might be able to do..... I'm just making myself mad and giving myself a headache..... I quit. |
| I don't want to write or talk....... I got talked into inviting some stranger and her 7 yr old daughter to the house for the night. My ex husband texted me and said they needed help. I tried to tell him I had no room here and no way to help until possibly tomorrow. Then I made the mistake of talking to Terry who talked to David.. they said it is my house too and I don't have to ask to have overnight guests, just give them a heads up that I am. I'm hoping and praying they don't show up. Last I heard they were trying to convince someone to bring them here...... This on top of the way I've been feeling lately. I wish I had something that I was sure I could just take it and go to sleep and not wake up again. Your Higher Power doesn't give you what you can handle, they help you handle what you are given....... I'm not blaming anyone else for the way I feel. Just the opposite. I know that people care for me so I'm wondering why, with all the positives going on in my life right now do I feel so empty and stuck in the pit. Hopefully I'll get the chance to write more later. Merry Meet and Blessed Be then Merry Meet again!  |
| The more I think about the way I feel the more I can't explain it. I spent most of today crocheting because Terry didn't want me hiding in my room. I snuck in here a couple of times to write and once to take a nap. I'm in here now to once again face a night where I have to confront the darkness that dwells within. I know one thing that CMH cannot help me deal with or explain away. My pain. It seems to be getting worse (the rainy weather not helping) especially in my feet and hands. My sinuses have been draining and I taste blood in the back of my throat all the time. I am so hot most of the time...... I don't want to talk about this crap tonight. No one is going to do anything about it. Everybody still asks: What is going on that has got you so down? I can't tell people what I don't know. I still firmly believe that it is all chemical. My medications are not working........ I guess I just keep going through this robotic existence (going through the motions) until something breaks....... I still feel shattered........ fractured.......... broken. I've been starting to lose time again which is never a good sign. I've tied a knot at the end of the rope and I'm trying to hold on until Monday. |
| I gave my sharps to Terry last night. I have been thinking about self harm more and more. I've been wanting to die and thinking of ways to do that..... I went to crochet group today and talked to Jacob. He brought Cathy in on it. I told them I feel like I'm spiraling into this dark pit of depression. .... Cathy asked what has got me feeling this way. Damn it, if I knew that I could do something about it. What would make me feel better? Again, Duh. Her advice is to stand up for myself and make Terry and David sit down with me and create a schedule so that I know when I can go out to things like Clubhouse. Again they show that they do not live in this house nor deal with the people I deal with...... My feeling is that it is not environmental. It's chemical. I have been on these same medications for a long time and I believe they do not have the potency they once did. I am scared to death to go through the experimentation of finding the right combination again but I don't know what else to do. I'm tired of being stuck in this grey area. I don't know what they are going to do here if I have to go away for a few days but I need a vacation. I don't want to stop my groups either but that might not be helped. I want to put a bag together of stuff that I want to take with me. If I take it out of the 3-ring binder they might let me have my novel I started a blanket in crochet group. I actually got to talk to Jacob and Geri about what I want to accomplish with group. I also couldn't remember how to do a half-double so I got Jacob to help me with that and a couple of other things. Next week I'll show them the different motifs I want to learn to do. Geri has started making a care bear. Can't wait to see how it turns out. I did a change-up on The Lunch Crew which is now "Invitation to Death"  . It is set to move forward if I could just apply butt-in-chair and get working on it. I just keep piddling around with reorganizing and rewriting notes. I think I'm going to use my Character Keeper book for it and hunker down on a plot plan and get that written. (as I sit here and look at the bag it is all in and think about how much I rather say screw it and lay in bed) |
| *bangs head on keyboard* hga;nrgrvrnvg Just don't know what to keep writing.......everything is SSDD Didn't go to Clubhouse today. Used the rain as an excuse not to go. Terry says it is supposed to rain all next week though so I can't use that as an excuse to just too stay home and do nothing like I did today. I slept most of the time today. I just didn't want to do anything and didn't care about what I should be doing. The craft room is still a disaster. My room is starting to become a mess again. I keep looking at the pile of notes to TLC I should be working on. I also look at the pile of books I should be reading and going through. I have crochet group tomorrow and still don't know what I want to work on. I am just so depressed. I want to hurt myself. I want to go to the hospital and get my meds changed. I just don't want to hurt the people who care about me. I know that people care but that doesn't change how I feel. I feel like I am swirling down into a pit of darkness. I should tell someone but I don't want them walking on egg shells around me or asking why. I don't know why. I feel like I am rapid cycling.. but the highs aren't really that high and the lows are getting lower every time. I've got to find some help. |
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Love it! I hope "Kristy Parkers" is revived and publishes very soon!
It's probably cheaper to just buy regular stamps and use a piece of paper and envelope to send the stuff instead of buying a postcard. 
