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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| It's been four months since Nada and I first met, and we are both feeling a little flat. Every month before Nasda gets her period, she suffers from what she calls 'fever'. Although she still has around two weeks to go until she (by my calculation) is due, yesterday she looked down. I don't have a thermometer, but I felt her head, and she wasn't hot. Despite this, she took some paracetamol and went to bed. And today, when she woke up, she still looked off. I'm not sure what is going on. If we were in Australia, I would take her to see a doctor. But, we are not in Australia and she isn't keen on the idea. A doctor is unlikely to diagnose what is happening anyway, so I will tell her to rest (getting her to stop can be challenging) and wait and see how she recovers. I must admit there are times when I miss being single. And it isn't just Nada's health issue that is occurring more than I think is normal. We have hit the wall...which upon reflection, was inevitable. We love each other dearly, and there is no thought of breaking up. I would struggle to do that considering the last few foreigners she has dated either left or made the relationship untenable for her. In saying that, unless I am genuinely happy, I cannot give 100% to this relationship...which is the minimum I have set to do with Nada and myself. I'm not searching for perfection, although, I believe my girlfriend, in some ways, is. Nada had a difficult upbringing. She wasn't just poor, but her mother was strict and all the kids, at some point, were hit. She recently told me a story about when she was small. Nada was sick and they didn't have transport, so her father had to take her to a doctor in a nearby village. It was a long walk for a sick child, and because he had a lot of work to do, he walked fast...constantly chastising his daughter for walking too slowly. I'm not a therapist, and I cannot accurately pinpoint what is going on with Nada that she feels it is her responsibility to make the world, or at least, her little chunk of the world, more beautiful/perfect. In some ways, I should be glad that my girlfriend is constantly cleaning the floor, cooking beautiful meals, washing clothes (that usually includes soaking whites in bleach beforehand to remove any sign of discolouration), ironing and organising every detail to do with our household to perfection. The problem is that it doesn't make me feel good knowing (or suspecting) there are these underlying (probable) childhood issues driving this need to lay her hands on everything, in order to make it 'right'...and in my opinion, is causing her to be somewhat OCD. I understand that most people have (at least to a certain degree) a disorder of one kind or another. At what point habits become more than that is not for me to say, and unless the behaviour causes stress, then it shouldn't be an issue. But, knowing Nada's background (and that of my own because I too have a disorder), and the fact that she doesn't acknowledge or understand why she feels the way she does (unless I talk to her about how her constant need for perfection), then there will never be change. Small steps. When I first realised there was something more to this, I pushed (as best as I could given the language barrier) her to a point. Then the tears would flow and I would back down. Now, the waterworks have little effect on me, and it's amazing how quickly they disappear once she realises that fact. Almost every day, I feel the pull of drugs. My disorder is, and may never be, cured. But self-awareness of WHY I feel that way helps prevent relapse. I am hoping that in time, with the right degree of encouragement, support and love, Nada too may one day gain insight into her need to control everything around her. |
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