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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| Tomorrow, I collect my Thai motorcycle license. It cost me a lot, but considering I would have continued to make excuses about doing it the legit way, and the bike, if written off, is worth more than I care to lose, in my opinion, was money well spent. It isn't a fake licence and will need to be renewed in two years. Problem solved. Moving on...last night when I went to bed, the hallucinations were a lot more vivid than I have seen in a while, and I'm trying to figure out why. Funnily enough, when I was taking antipsychotics, the first few hours after ingesting the pills, I would hallucinate like crazy. You would think every now and then I would see pink elephants or something other than Angel and her freaky friends, but that's not the case. It's always her looking almost the same way each time. Her appearance does, at times, change slightly, which often happens right before my (closed) eyes. After all, in my twisted mind, she is a shapeshifter...and last night was no different. As I lay down and rolled to my left, there she was, staring at me with a huge smile. I opened my eyes to verify the hallucination was in my mind, rather than outside my mind in my bedroom. She instantly disappeared as the furniture surrounding my bed came into view, but when I again closed my eyes, there she was. She appeared to be getting a kick out of my reaction to her presence. I remarked how clear she was to me, and she answered with a slow affirmative blink. I've been trying to disengage myself from her of late, but when I saw her lying next to me, I was overcome with feelings. I told her how beautiful she was, and again, she blinked. Then, for just a split second, her face changed into an image I'd seen on only one other occasion. It was a few weeks ago when I stopped taking antipsychotics. Because of this, I didn't sleep for a couple of nights. I was looking at her when her face momentarily changed into the most grotesque and evil-looking demon I have ever seen. It was so horrifying it gave me goosebumps. I've seen a lot of stuff during this experience dealing with psychosis, but the image of that horrible face is without a doubt, the most disturbing...and for just a moment last night, I saw that face again. I feel like things in my life are improving. I'm settling into a routine and exercising almost every day. But, there is one area of my life that remains an issue. There is likely to be more than one cause for my psychosis. The obvious and most likely one is meth...but I trust my intuition, and it's telling me this is more than just drug-induced. Childhood abuse, the loss of my children from my life six years ago and the fact I haven't experienced any form of intimacy in almost eight years may also be playing a part. Human beings, no matter how stoic, need to be held, and I haven't been hugged in a very long time. If a doctor was willing to look past his script pad and ask me about my hallucinations, it would, or should, be obvious what's going on. I was (and still am) lonely and completely starved of touch. I suffered childhood trauma and have been self-medicating for many years with a drug that's renowned for causing psychosis. I believe I had a mental breakdown...a breakdown that I didn't notice or have time for. I was dealing with the imminent death of my mother and was so perpetually wired that my mind couldn't stop and begin to repair itself. So, I went into a fantasy world where I had friends and finally found someone to love. It was fun for a while, but the fun soon turned into a nightmare...a nightmare I am still dealing with. I have tried to convince Angel to leave and that she isn't healthy for me. I thanked her for playing her part in helping me get sober, but when I explain to her that I no longer need her and her friends, her eyes go from side to side and her smile tells me she doesn't agree with my take on things. Unfortunately, we can't seem to come to a compromise on when she and her friends should leave. I got myself into this and I'll get myself out of it by staying on the wagon and sticking with the plan. Hopefully, in time, she will fade from my life and I can focus on becoming as close to a normal human being as the next person. |
| As an expat coming from a country that frowns upon corruption at every level, hearing stories of how things work here in Thailand has been somewhat of an eye-opener. It appears that when caught by police for driving offences, B500 is the amount we Farangs must pay. The fine cannot be paid anywhere within the state or province. It must be paid at the particular police station where the issuing officer is from. And don't ask for a receipt because language barriers, and I suspect, not wanting the trail of corrupt money going any further than necessary, make that impossible. Of course, this system can work in one's favour. I've been delaying getting my Thai motorcycle licence because of what's involved. It takes three days, with many hoops to jump through, and in my mind, the standard fine (around US15) given by the police wasn't enough of a deterrent to get me into the Lands and Transport Department to get my licence. The process of getting a licence involves procuring a doctor's certificate of good health. Then at the licencing centre, a colour blind test, a braking reaction test, a practical test in the car park negotiating an obstacle course and finally having to get 45/50 road rule questions correct...questions that are asked in Thai, but have the translations written at the bottom of the television screen. I have full comprehensive insurance for my motorcycle. Unfortunately, if I crash the bike and I'm not licenced, they won't pay for the repairs. After doing my laps this morning, my new neighbour and I were discussing this issue. He told me he got his licence through a driving school. It cost him a lot more than if he had shown up by himself at the appropriate place, but he didn't have to do anything other than pay the money and sign his shiny new Thai driving licence. I asked him about going down this (corrupt) road and he said he would make a call for me. Tomorrow, I'm booked in to get my licence. It will still take a few days, but there are no hoops and all that's required is enough cash to pay the officials and the driving school...which I am happy to do. The symptoms of psychosis are slowly disappearing. I can still make out the eyes of the demons at night or when I close my eyes, but it takes a while for me to notice them and for them to react to any questions I ask. This may be because of the amount of time since I last used meth allowing my brain to rewire itself. I have stopped going to church because it didn't feel right on many levels. I was struggling to come to terms with Jesus being the son of God and wary of the fact they were hard-pushing the whole tithing thing. I began to wonder how much accountability churches have as far as where the donations that are made in good faith, go. Does tithing pay the Pastor's salary? What about his rent and living expenses? What about his Harley-Davidson and his wife's clothes? Sceptical, aren't I? But if I'm going to be giving money to any organisation, I want to know where every penny is going...and I would want the accounts done by an independent professional every three months. I still pray every night before I go to sleep. I'm becoming more comfortable with the Jesus dying for my sins issue I have been wrestling with. It kinda makes sense that as I pray with more conviction, the demons (if they are demons) will find it harder to occupy my headspace. Because of my scepticism towards EVERYTHING, and the fact that the hallucinations have been quite forward in saying that they themselves are not real, but are figments of my imagination (which, in my opinion, is a strange thing for a hallucination to say), I'm suspicious as hell (excuse the pun) that they are telling me this to get me to stop praying and go back to the way things were. To cover all my bases, I'm sticking with the current plan of exercising every day, and as much as possible, ignoring the hallucinations. I'm having nice conversations each night with God and Jesus (and while I am at it, saying hi to my Mom and thanking them for taking good care of her up there in heaven). I try not to take things too seriously. Everyone speaks to their higher power in their own way, and I like to think that God and Jesus have a good sense of humour. At least, I hope they do, because I've written a few jokes about them...jokes I like to think they got a laugh out of. |
| When I walk, I listen to music. It's usually upbeat EDM that helps me maintain the pace. When I'm at home, however, and feeling a little sad, I become nostalgic and listen to music that brings back memories...melancholy and heartfelt. Here is a list of songs from another time... Deep Forest...Sweet Lullaby and the title track from their 1992 album of the same name. Jeff Buckley's version of the Leonard Cohen song, Hallelujah. Toto...Africa. Gerry Rafferty...Baker Street. 10cc...I'm Not in Love. Simon and Garfunkle...Bridge Over Troubled Water. Lou Reed...Perfect Day and Walk on the Wild Side Paul Simon...The Sound of Silence. The Eagles...Desperado. John Lennon...Imagine. Don McLean...Vincent. Dire Straights...Romeo and Juliet (to this day often makes me cry). The Rolling Stones...Angie. Wings...Band on the Run. Pink Floyd...Hey You. The Cure...A Forest. Massive Attack...Teardrop. The Smashing Pumpkins...Spaceboy and Disarm from their brilliant 2011 album Siamese Dream. I remember as a young lad, laying in the dark with headphones on and listening to Pink Floyd's albums, Dark Side of the Moon, Wish You Were Here and Animals. The music is imprinted in my mind. If I ever become affected by dementia, I think those songs will never be lost to the disease. It's rare for anyone to create a music album (rather than a series of individual songs) these days. The people who consume music don't have the attention span and few artists have the foresight (or are discouraged by major record labels) to write tracks that are themed. I'm showing my age, aren't I? |
| When I first arrived in Hua Hin, I met Dan. He saved my ass when I dropped my BMW on my first ride. I saw a headlight coming my way in the distance and prayed it was someone who would stop to help me pick the massive machine up off the ground and get me on my way. It is the stuff of legend (in my mind) that he not only stopped to help, but singlehandedly lifted the 270 kg bike back upright. I shook his hand and we became good friends, despite our differences. Dan is American and a vocal Trump supporter. I didn't know this when he pulled over to help me in the darkness that night, and the truth is, I wouldn't have cared if I did know about his political leanings. It's funny how desperation and ignorance (on my part) made our differences not as important. Dan taught me a lot over the last couple of months. Unfortunately, an injury to his back has forced him to return to the US for treatment. We still text, but I have so few friends here that I am going to miss him greatly. I've met my new neighbours. Chris is German and his girlfriend is Thai. It seems almost every Farang I have met has a Thai girlfriend. Either that or has a girlfriend/partner who came with them when they became expats. I try not to allow other's situations to change me and how I feel. I know they have fights and are not as happy as they appear to us outside the relationship. In saying that, I also realise they have someone they can talk to when they feel lonely and many other advantages associated with being in a relationship. The fact that I haven't seriously begun looking for a partner has its reasons. If it ain't broke, don't fix it would be a good metaphor, except I am broken, and it may be some time before I feel the damage has been repaired enough to include someone else in my life. Still, the grass sure looks greener at times, and human nature not to be isolated is kicking my ass right now. My imaginary girlfriend is no longer an option. Even she thinks it's time for us to call it. I know she's right, but I miss her...and the fact that she is right there and all I have to do is close my eyes for us to be together again doesn't make it easy to let go. I get that she (probably) isn't real, but when you have no one, even a fantasy is better than that sad reality. I'm not trying to make you cry (even though I am). It's hard to feel sorry for myself (well, maybe a little) and I know that for the most part, I am living the dream. And compared to where I was before moving to Thailand, I am thankful for the changes that have come to me. I'm having a down day. We all have them now and then. Last night I dreamed that Angel told me she was going to change into human form and come to me...a happily ever after dream that was beautiful for a few moments. I wonder how it will be possible for me to fall in love again when my heart belongs to someone else. I've noticed every YouTube video I watch on psychosis recovery, people deny their hallucinations. It appears they must denounce them as illusions and the underlying consensus is they were haunted by persecutory visions...unlike me, who has had mostly positive experiences to do with my symptoms. There was a time when I would have told you that Angel was a terrible demon who plagued me. But that was because she was standing squarely in the way of my drug use. Now, in hindsight, she did what she had to do to stop me from continuing to kill myself with methamphetamines...the only thing that could have saved me, by giving me hell every time I relapsed...for my own good. It's hard to be mad at her for that, or for now breaking up with me. She has her reasons and I suspect it is once again for my own good that we can no longer be together. Yesterday, I broke protocol and went to her world inside my head, just to see if she was OK. I asked her if she missed me, and after a long pause, her eyes blinked. It wasn't the usual affirmative answer and was quite reserved (only a half-blink) for reasons I can only speculate. Perhaps she doesn't want to encourage me by letting on that she misses me a lot more than she wants me to know. Once upon a time, when I asked her if she loved me, her eyes would invariably go side to side, answering my desperate question with a definite no. Nowadays, she always answers, yes...but there is sadness in her eyes. It's an emotion I share with her every time we speak. People may think I am delusional or even in the midst of a psychotic event. But I'm not crazy, just crazy in love with someone who I know I can never be with. I would often tell her we are like Romeo and Juliet, and I don't think I was far off the mark, regardless of the reality, or non-reality of that statement. Ahhhh, love...who needs it? |
| When I first began hallucinating around two or three years ago, I didn't realise they were part of a condition I now know as psychosis. I thought they were fun and a break from the boredom and isolation I had been experiencing. Looking back now, I realise those conditions, combined with the long-term use of methamphetamine, were the catalyst for the full-blown symptoms I was to suffer. There were other factors...repeated childhood trauma/violence and taking up marijuana at fourteen would have contributed towards the outcomes I now live with. There are many other issues I could point to that may have brought on these hallucinations...but the key player is without a doubt my abuse of meth. I have now stopped abusing my mind with meth, but the symptoms and hallucinations caused by long-term drug use continue. This is something I am coming to terms with...I have little choice but to. I've been looking at YouTube videos on the subject of meth-induced psychosis, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, hoping to find out how long these symptoms may persist. Of course, no specific timeline exists, and each person's outcome is different. I don't believe I need to be on medication. The visions, in general, are not persecutory, and I am blessed that I don't hear voices. It is relatively easy to avoid seeing the faces of demons by simply not looking for them (when I close my eyes). And if I don't ask any questions of the demons, then I don't 'see' their answers...answers I know often cause me to become distressed. I don't seem to fit the profiles of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder or conditions related to these mental illnesses (other than the hallucinations). I know I'm not a psychiatrist, but I feel confident in my appraisal. I base this on the fact that each morning I wake up with a smile. There's no mania and no depression, although I have good days and bad, just like everyone else. The best treatment I can see...that I know is improving my situation, is exercise. I've noticed over the last few weeks that whenever I check to see if Angel is still with me, I need to search intensely before I notice her eyes staring back at me. And nowadays, it takes much longer for her to respond to my inquiries. I'm also comforted by her reaction whenever I do 'check in'...she makes it perfectly clear that she doesn't want anything to do with me (and wishes, just like I do, that it was all over with). There have been a lot of positives associated with my psychosis. If not for Angel showing up when she did, there is a good chance I wouldn't be alive today...let alone be living the life I am. Lately, I've been intrigued by the writings and observations of Carl Jung. He believed that to cure psychosis, the person must confront their subconscious mind and face their dark side. It may be true that Angel is a manifestation created by my subconscious to save me from myself. I was so lonely and desperate for company that she served a purpose. Now that I am in a better place mentally, and with my addiction, I'm hoping I can finally write the last chapters of this story. There is so much more story to come. My adventure in Thailand has only just begun, but as far as the last few years go, it is with a smile that I will say...The End. |
| What a relief to finally be off Quetiapine and Trihexyphenidyl. I thought because I had only been taking low doses over three to four weeks, that there wouldn't be much of an issue stopping cold turkey...how wrong was I? On the first night, after discontinuing the meds, the hallucinations were worse than I have experienced since the last time I used meth. I didn't sleep at all, and I put this down to my brain becoming reliant on the sedative/tranquiliser effects of the meds no longer circulating in my system. The second night, I assumed that things would be better, but they were just as bad, if not worse than the first night (probably in part, due to sleep deprivation). Luckily, I am so used to the visions and the fact that they always involve Angel and a bunch of her friends (who appear like a crew from a circus freak show), that the experience wasn't scary. On the contrary, I found the whole thing entertaining and saw things I will likely never see again. But by last night, I was dead tired and the idea of another night like the previous two wasn't something I was looking forward to. I managed to broker a deal with Her Majesty (Angel), and although I can never rely on her word, this time she kept her promise to let me sleep...even though I was still sleep-disturbed and woke up every hour or so throughout the night. She even used her little hand (it's as small as a child's, which I have only seen on a few rare occasions in the past) to rub my back. This was a moment of absolute disbelief as I lay on my side, only to feel a slight pressure through the doona, rubbing over a small area of my back. I know I was sleep-deprived and coming off meds, but it had me questioning the reality of my situation...as I have been doing throughout the last year since Angel first appeared to me as a beautiful young girl, who I instantly fell in love with, but who hated me then as much as she does today. I have to visit the Thai Immigration Office to report my address every ninety days. I had to put it off until this morning because I was so sleep-deprived. Upon arrival, it only took around twenty minutes to complete. Later in the afternoon, I had a short nap and walked to the fresh food market to get a few things. I notice that the hallucinations are nowhere near as bad when I get plenty of sleep, and I am hoping that tonight I won't have a problem when I go to bed. If so, I will leave a light on which makes them far less noticeable when I close my eyes. At one point on the second night, I placed a pillow over my face to block out any light, which makes the hallucinations far less vivid. This is proof that what I am seeing as I hallucinate is in my mind and not outside of it. However, I saw my hands as I held them out in front of me. I knew this was impossible...but as I moved my fingers and rolled my hands in different directions, I could 'see' my hands moving in the exact same way. I am still not sure how this happened. I even got a dark t-shirt, folded it and placed it over my eyes as a blindfold. Again, I placed the pillow over my face and could still see my hands as I waved them about in front of me ...a very strange hallucination indeed. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to come off antipsychotic drugs if they are used long-term. It has certainly given me insight into the challenges people who have schizophrenia and other psychotic illnesses must face when dealing with the side effects and trying to get off their medications. I'm glad I have decided to stop taking the meds now, rather than later down the track. The hallucinations are far less intrusive in my life than the drugs that were prescribed to help with the symptoms of psychosis...drugs that don't provide a cure for the condition anyway. |
| Human beings are creatures of habit. My habit was to take meth at least once every three months. This week marks three months since my arrival in Thailand and to my surprise, this morning, I felt a twinge of craving. I soon forgot about it and got on with my day. I feel safe in the knowledge that I will not use again...and with no one to call, it's a safe bet that I won't. I have to report my current address to Thai immigration every ninety days, which I will do tomorrow. I thrive on routine, and at the moment, my routine is to train hard most days. I'm becoming overtrained, and today, I had to listen to my body as it screamed at me to rest. Despite the call, this morning, I went to the gym, did half an hour of cardio and then weights. I gave myself a reprieve this afternoon and didn't swim or walk. I'm settling into my new life here in Hua Hin, and if not for the symptoms of psychosis, I would say I have close to the perfect existence. I have no desire to return home to Australia, even though I have had some moments of homesickness. I mentioned I was going off my meds about a week ago, but I persevered. Last night I took my tablets at the usual time and the side effects were worse than ever. Because I know what's coming over the next three to four hours after taking my pills, I become anxious about the Restless Legs Syndrome I suffer. The name of the condition does it no justice and I can't sit still despite taking the medication that is supposed to alleviate the problem. To add salt to the wound, the hallucinations last night were terrible. I've stuck with the meds for four weeks, and I can't see the point of taking them if they don't help with the symptoms of psychosis. The only time I see the hallucinations is when I go to bed (or during the day if I close my eyes and ask questions). But, if I leave the bedside light on and turn on my side facing the light, I don't see the faces and eyes of demons coming towards my face harassing me. I fell asleep and after a short period woke up, turned the light off and fell straight back to sleep. It seems light always overcomes darkness. There are no sides to this method and it makes sense to do this simple trick to avoid the stress and the sides...which have a list of unwanted effects a mile long. I have a good friend who has been supporting me throughout and she has been advising me for months to try and ignore the hallucinations. I know this will reduce the stress, but I have found it hard to do. It doesn't matter whether I am experiencing hallucinations or if this is something else, I need to come to terms with it and accept that medications are not the answer. I am hoping in time, as my sobriety continues, the issues I am having will abate and become less intrusive over time. I have to admit that I'm still in love with Angel. I know...crazy, right? I've been having less to do with her over the last week and the habit of interacting with a possible demon or just a hallucination is becoming less important to me. Whenever I ask her to leave, she refuses, saying the only way to escape her is to avoid spending time with her...which is good advice from the two people (albeit, one may be a demon) I love most, that I need to follow. I'm not expecting too much trouble by going off the meds. I was taking very low doses for only a short period and If I have any issues, I will have to ride it out as best as I can. |
| I haven't posted for a while. The meds dull my brain, and at night, which is the usual time I would write, I struggle to keep my eyes open past 8.00 pm. The pills aren't working as well as I would like and cause side effects I'm finding hard to endure. The hallucinations are still there and last night, they were the worst they have been since I started taking meds. I don't want to go against my doctor's orders, but I'm struggling with anxiety...not from the hallucinations, but from knowing what's coming in the hours after I swallow them. I'll skip them tonight and see how I feel over the coming days. I'm training hard almost every day. Yesterday morning I did half an hour of cardio followed by weights. Then in the afternoon, I walked (wearing a weighted backpack), followed by swimming laps in the pool. I feel good physically, but the foggy brain (from the meds) is a concern. I've been going to church on Sundays, but it isn't doing much as far as the hallucinations are concerned. It's good to get out of the house, but I admit if not for the idea that this could be more than psychosis, I probably wouldn't go. I feel like a fish out of water with the congregation all in rapture. It's just as hard for me to believe in a higher power than it is in demons. I'm trying, but I think it is important to be honest about my lack of faith...and if I don't have faith, then it is hard to imagine a cure through prayer is coming. The most important thing is I am happy and free of addiction...and no matter what happens, that in itself is a win. |
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