This week: To Help, or Not to Help? Edited by: NaNoKit  
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To help, or not to help? That is the question. As is this: is what you're doing actually helpful?
This week's Action/Adventure Newsletter is all about being of assistance to others.
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I have dyspraxia. Dyspraxia is a developmental coordination disorder that affects physical coordination and motor skills. What this means in practice is that tasks that most people find simple are much less straightforward for me.
For example, my primary school classmates and I had three years of swimming lessons… and I still cannot swim. I am a Dutch person who cannot ride a bicycle. I’ve fallen down stairs more than is usual, bump into objects, trip over my own feet and my high school PE teacher banned me from several team sports.
I didn’t know that I am dyspraxic until just a few years ago. When I was in school I was seen as clumsy, or lazy, or uncooperative. When I was diagnosed as an adult it was one of those aha! moments, because so much of my life suddenly made sense.
One effect of living with dyspraxia is that I have fewer practical skills than I'd like. This is not all to do with the disorder itself, but also with how the people around me handled it. And that’s what I want to talk about today, because it’s not just applicable to people with dyspraxia, but to how we encourage or discourage introducing others to new skills and interests.
Growing up, whenever I turned my hand to something new people would either helpfully take over, or take over out of frustration/impatience. I mean that quite literally – I cannot count the amount of times people would take whatever I was doing out of my hands and did it themselves. As said, sometimes this was meant kindly. They thought I was struggling, and that they therefore were doing me a favour. Other times I wasn’t fast enough for their liking, or not neat enough, or just plain not enough…
If it wasn’t taken out of my hands, they’d insist on showing me a better/faster way. Sometimes, of course, that’s valid. I’d never advise anyone to refrain from helping someone when what they’re doing is dangerous. By all means, step in if that’s the case. Also, I’m sure that they’d welcome advice if the method they’ve chosen is incorrect, because few people enjoy spending time and effort on something that cannot have a positive outcome. I’d even advise offering assistance if there is an objectively much faster or easier route – though please don’t take whatever they’re doing out of their hands to show them, and please let it be their choice if they wish to accept your assistance or not; they may be happy doing what they’re doing. On the whole, please let people be. Let them have fun. Try something new. Allow them to learn, and grow, and find their own best way of doing things.
By physically taking their project away from them you’re not only making the person feel bad – and it really does, it always made me feel small and worthless – it also takes away from them the opportunity to experience doing the thing for themselves. If you have stepped in like this before and there was no urgent need – no danger – perhaps it’s helpful to reflect on why you did it. I am certain that in most cases it is, indeed, meant well. An urge to be helpful, to show a better way, or to relieve the other person of what you may have perceived to be a burden to them. Or perhaps you felt irritated because they weren’t doing it like you do it, or taking far too long to do it, so you’d rather do it yourself. Does it matter, though? Does it matter if something’s not done the way that you do it? Does it matter that the onions aren’t sliced as finely as you slice them, or if it takes a little longer to clean those dishes? Is it the end of the world if someone walks into virtual walls the first time they play a computer game? Must you take over? If so, how will they learn to use the controller? How – and when – will they get to enjoy the game?
A part of this is about understanding. Understanding that people learn in different ways, and may have their own best way of doing something – you methods may not actually suit them. A second, big part of this is about trust. Trusting the other person to find their own way, and trusting them to ask you for help if they need it.
I am not afraid to ask for help. If I can’t figure out something on my own I will absolutely turn to someone I trust to show me how it’s done. I’ll then try it for myself and, if needs be, adapt it to suit my personal strengths and limitations. If you are uncertain that a person you’re willing to help feels comfortable asking you for assistance, it’s perfectly fine to tell them that you’re there for them if needed. It’s always nice to know that it wouldn’t be a bother.
On Writing.Com it’s a two-way street. If you’ve written – or are in the process of writing – an item that you don’t want or need feedback on, you have various settings available to you that limit who can access the piece. You can restrict access by membership type and level, set it to be accessed by a chosen group only, create a passkey, or block reviews completely (though readers can still email comments). This places you in control of your output, and avoids potentially distressing situations.
As a reviewer, it’s good to consider what type of feedback someone is after. Some people love receiving in-depth reviews; others do not. It’s not always easy to tell, but a good starting point is to assume that the majority of people won’t want you to do an entire rewrite of their work. Mostly, writers like to know how their work made you feel. Whether or not their characters are believable and relatable. If there are any major plot holes. Were you gripped from the beginning? How did you feel about the ending? If you’re reviewing poetry, did it flow? What did you think of the imagery? Be polite in your feedback. Be constructive. Be honest, but kind. If you are willing to spend several hours reviewing someone’s work, but you’re not sure if it would be welcome, perhaps contact the author first and ask them what would be most helpful. In-depth reviews can be of huge value to a writer, so the ability to ask an in-depth reviewer for specific tips is a wonderful opportunity. Meanwhile, knowing what they’re after means you don’t spend valuable time where it’s not needed. This way, both get the best out of the experience.
In the end, it’s about accepting that we’re all different, and we may do things in different ways, and that’s okay! Especially when it comes to things that should be fun. Please let people enjoy themselves. And please enjoy yourself, too. In your own way. In the way that works best for you.
NaNoKit
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Action/Adventure: March 29, 2023 Issue [#11884]
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