Ah... corruption... thy name of the game is $$$. Thailand works well for the wealthy. Now you know why Russians love to set up businesses, why ex-pats flaunt the laws, why people shrug their shoulders.
Over the years, I have purposely removed most people from my life. While I do still have family and my husband, I find it tedious to deal with even them most of the time. I can see that I am slowly removing myself from the world and its drama, but I feel it is something I have to do for my own sanity. I do talk to myself often, though, and find that more and more I am retreating back to a world that many others say isn't reality. I say "many others" because there are some who go to that world too. I don't think my husband and I would have lasted this long (24 years) if he was unable to go there, to that other world. We walk there together still sometimes, hand in hand - testing both our limits and that of the other world. Maybe I'm crazy, but if I am, I'm glad I have someone that can reach me inside the madness. On the other hand, sometimes I even need a break from him. I like the silence of being alone. That's one thing that my hospital stays and my time in the psych ward taught me. I don't need other humans in my life constantly for me to be happy.
Besides, the dogs are better listeners anyway - and they don't feel the need to tell me their perspectives of things or bring to light what they think I'm doing wrong...
I found daily exorcise (my way of saying exercise) really helped. I don't do that in Montana. The weather hasn't helped (an excuse) as it has been incredibly cold for the last six weeks. Today is a chilly 6° ... may go up to 10°. I'm sure there's snow on those shrouded mountaintops! Walking in cold rain isn't my preferred cuppa and I know of no place to 'work out'. I refuse to pay for a gym.
My visa renewal was always easy, even when I was warned that it might not be so.
I've been having nightmares. I don't get them when I travel and seldom in Thailand. This room may be toxic (too dry, too dusty).
What do you find at the market? We had all types of vegetables, fruits in season, eggs, sauces/soups, live fish, frogs... even ant eggs in season. I could cook most anything in my rice cooker. The other nearby stalls had plenty of choices from roti to fried chicken to fruit smoothies to chicken livers on a stick.
It sounds like you are falling into a better place mentally. There was something about the tone of this compared to your writing, say, six months ago that is more upbeat and positive.
8 pm is an hour after dark. Here 8 pm is over an hour before dark. I'm affected by light. Bright warm day today but I spent most of it inside in a cafe. I'm home now but it's only 6 pm and I need a coffee.
It's been raining in Udon Thani. Wish I were there.
I'm healthier physically when I'm in Thailand but I'm emotionally better here.
Does anyone at the local Buddhist wat speak English? You frame one issue as "my lack of faith" ... but I'm not convinced of that.
Pannya has been on strong meds. I reminded him to take them on time... still do. The dosage and meds changed over the 18 months we lived together.
Since you are in Thailand... consider a Buddhist approach. The Christianity I was subjected to growing up made it difficult to accept myself and let go. Thailand is all about learning to "let go". Forgiving oneself is a good step.
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