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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| Nada has a nickname for me...Mr Diabetes. Forget about meth addiction because an easier-to-procure, more sinister substance has taken over my life...sugar. I didn't realise just how addicted to sugar I am until today. I've been cutting back on sugar over the last few weeks and the cravings have been moderate. Then today, as Nada and I arrived at the markets, the sweet scent of sugar wafted into my nostrils and over my olfactory glands...and I went berserk. A stall nearby was selling freshly made sugary treats, and I was overcome with a need to consume anything that contained sugar. I bypassed the first of the temptations and headed straight for the stall that sells my favourite indulgence (sweet eggs). Fortunately, the lady who sells sweet eggs wasn't there, and with a few encouraging words from Nada, we got what we needed and left before I succumbed to my sugar addiction. However, I spent the next few hours moping around the house feeling sorry for myself (much to my shame). I've been trying to make it up to Nada ever since. Nada has been very supportive of my weight loss/sugar reduction goals. She has incorporated more vegetables into our diet and replaced white rice with Riceberry, which is much more nutritious. We also eat fruit, which helps dampen my sugar withdrawals. For breakfast, we have whole-grain cereal with protein powder sprinkled on top. I have one cup of coffee a day, which I have after breakfast and has only one sugar. The evenings are the hardest. I have always enjoyed having a dessert after dinner, and later before bed, a glass of milk with two TimTams (a brand of Australian chocolate biscuit that I have run out of). Now after dinner, I eat some fruit, and before bed, I have a glass of milk with just one Tim Tam. I have a bottle of Red Fanta in the fridge, which acts as a kind of security blanket in case of a sugar emergency. I've been toying with the idea of pouring it down the sink, but I'm not ready yet. We walk for forty-five minutes every day, and with the change in diet, I've lost enough weight so that when I look at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I can see the difference in my belly. I'm starting to feel better about myself and my body image. Nada too has lost weight, and we often complement each other on our progress. I have an addictive personality and my brain sees sugar as a drug rather than a food source. And considering my little performance today, I'll be treating it as such going forward. |
| Nada has a seventeen-year-old son who goes to a private school in Chonburi, Eastern Thailand. He lives alone in a small apartment near his school. When we visited him a month ago and I saw his living conditions, I felt sorry for him. He has a fridge, cooks on a gas burner outside on his patio and sleeps on a mattress on the floor. He also has a laptop. His school is very different from many schools in the West. Most senior students come from other parts of Thailand and live alone in boarding houses (small rooms in highrise buildings). The school provides breakfast and lunch in the cafeteria. The food is cheap and healthy. They grow vegetables at the school, and the students are expected to help tend the gardens. Truancy is not tolerated and the school provides Nada with daily updates on attendance. She can also log on to their website to check the number of days her son is late. If kids do not perform to a set academic standard, they are made to re-sit exams at an extra cost to their parents. Any students caught smoking on school grounds are given a stern warning. Alcohol and other drugs are not tolerated. Repeat offenders are sent to a special class called the Student Development Division. Methamphetamines are so rampant in Thailand that every student over the age of fifteen must provide a urine sample on request. Anyone who tests positive is ordered into treatment, which is provided at the school. From what I can gather (due to the language barrier), many kids ride motorbikes to and from school. None (or at least, very few) have a licence, although they are made to wear helmets. Wearing proper uniforms is mandatory. Strangely enough (considering Muay Thai is Thailand's national sport...or perhaps, because of it), fights between students are virtually unheard of. Suspensions are given for things such as showing disrespect to teachers etc. Boys must have their hair cut to a certain length, and example photos are provided on the website. There are students who are learning to become hairdressers and Nada's son goes there for free haircuts. There's a bank on the school grounds. Regular concerts are held at the school. I am very proud of Nada's son. He is studying to become a motor mechanic. His grades are above average and he doesn't cause his mother any grief, and for that, I am thankful. |
| Over the last few years, I've taken the COVID-19 vaccine on four occasions and have never suffered any side effects. Nada, on the other hand, says she has experienced moderate side effects on all three occasions she has been vaccinated. Unfortunately, she no longer considers receiving a vaccine as something worth doing. It's her body and her life, and I understand that she thinks the risk isn't enough to warrant having any further jabs. I think otherwise, and will soon get both the latest COVID-19 and flu vaccines (although not on the same day). About six months ago, I contracted COVID-19 for the first time and was moderately sick for three days. No one knows how bad it could have been if not for the vaccines, but those three days were bad enough for me to not want to find out. There is a current trend against vaccination, and it isn't being pushed by doctors (in general) or by science. Data, it seems, is irrelevant when it comes to social media clout. It was bound to happen, and I see it a bit like this. Many people suffer from mental illnesses and must take meds to alleviate their symptoms. The vast majority follow their doctor's advice and realise why their symptoms aren't as bad when they take their meds. Some, however, feel better and stop taking their meds because they think they are better and hate the side effects of the meds. I get it (because I took antipsychotics for just a few weeks and couldn't take it anymore), but the reality for most of those people is their psychotic symptoms will return. Vaccines, in my opinion, save lives, but it isn't like anyone can prove it. Whether Grandma would have lived if she had a vaccine or died anyway, cannot be proven. Would I have been just as sick when I tested positive for COVID-19 if I hadn't been vaccinated? Or worse, would I have died if I wasn't vaccinated? How many people survived because they were vaccinated is impossible to know. These are questions nobody can answer, and I think this lack of faith and change in attitude towards vaccines comes down to uncertainty. The real question is, who do we trust? According to the vast majority of the medical fraternity, vaccines lessen the symptoms when we catch viruses, and I know who I will be putting my faith in. I'm sixty years old, and because I smoked meth for many years (which has likely compromised my lungs), I am not willing to listen to a bunch of people who ignore the data and would rather allow these viruses to go unchecked and (unnecessarily) claim lives. I don't mind conspiracy theories, but I would never hold any of my favourites up as fact until I see evidence proving them to be so. Social media has become a tool for the rich to manipulate the masses. Just look at the election result in the US to see the influence it has. I'm not saying the Republican Party wouldn't have won without X or Joe Rogan, but no one can deny that certain demographics are, and will continue to be, influenced by trends. I understand it wasn't just that, and people will invariably vote out governments hoping for better. But, things are very different nowadays, and as much as I hate change, it is, by and large, inevitable. Moving on...there has never been an apex species that lasts indefinitely, and in some ways, I see viruses like COVID-19 as being a lot like lions in Africa. Large predators thin out herds on the savana, making their prey, on the whole, stronger, by only taking the young, the old and the sick animals...a lot like what viruses do to humans. I just don't want to be one of them. |
| Now that I have fallen in love with Nada, I have a dilemma. No doubt many of you who read this will laugh at the suggestion, but I feel bad because Angel, my imaginary (or not-so-imaginary) girlfriend, is still around. I have explained to Nada about my past drug use and subsequent psychosis. I don't want to cause her any stress, and on the few occasions I have mentioned Angel to her, she tells me that she doesn't want to talk about it. Funnily enough, Nada believes in ghosts, but doesn't believe that what I am experiencing is anything more than a mental illness caused by my long-term use of meth...and fair enough. She worries more about relapse than she does about my continued relationship with a ghost. But, here's the thing. I haven't told Nada this, but whenever we have sex and I close my eyes, Angel (or one of her friends) is right there in front of me...and I think may be somehow getting involved. There have been many times when I believe these spectres have had sex with me (a previous post was headed, 'My Girlfriend is a Succubus, But Then...Nobody's Perfect'). When Nada and I are done, Angel's eyes become glazed and she looks like she has had a pretty good time (not to blow my own horn too loudly). Crazy, right? And I truly wish I was making this up because the thought that a demon/entity is encroaching on something as sacred as the act of lovemaking, is causing me some degree of unease. I hear you...I should just relax and forget about Angel. I could just avoid closing my eyes, but curiosity always gets the better of me This thing that I see, that communicates with me every day, is probably just a hallucination, and so, I have nothing to feel guilty about. I ask it to leave us alone, but its eyes invariably go side to side...or it slowly drifts upwards and out of my field of vision, only to return a few seconds later. I've learned to live with it, and the reality is, there is nothing I can do to make it go away. I have spoken about a phenomenon in the past (here on this blog). It happens mostly at night when it is dark and I am tired. I close my eyes and use my left hand to cover them. I then put a pillow over my face, holding my right hand out before me. After only seeing darkness for a minute or two, I move my right hand in various directions. It is then that I see something in the darkness...like a faint light that begins to take shape. Then, I see the silhouette of my fingers and realise that I can 'see' every move they make. A few weeks ago, I asked Nada if she would help me by doing the same experiment...to see if I could make out her hand movements. She wasn't thrilled at what I was asking her to do, and before I could get any kind of result, she refused to continue. There's no way I will go public (I'm anonymous on this site, so I feel safe) and ask anyone to help me. And the bottom line is even if I did find I could track the movements of someone else's hand whilst blindfolded, I wouldn't try and convince the world that this thing I am experiencing is more than just psychosis. It's obvious that what I am seeing is not my hand, but an image of it somehow projected to my field of vision behind closed eyes. Just how that is happening is for me, the big question. |
| Over the past week, I have struggled to find worthwhile content to post on this blog. Normally, this wouldn't be an issue and I would wait until something inspired me enough to share. If I'm being honest (which was my undertaking when I began this journey), I cannot deny that being nominated for a Quill Award has pressured me to write entertaining posts (not that I wasn't trying before). I realise now that the harder I try, the less I gain (so to speak) and the best way to achieve quality content is to post only when I have something worthwhile to say. Nada and I live in a cul-de-sac. There is no footpath and very little traffic goes past our house. Beyond the front fence is a small, raised garden bed about two feet wide. It contains shrubs and flowers; papaya is the last tree growing in this garden. At the moment, it bears many under-ripe fruits. Papaya ripens from the bottom up, and Nada has had her eye on one fruit in particular. Yesterday as we left for our walk, we passed the tree and Nada remarked that when we got back, she would take the semi-ripe papaya. Unfortunately, the fruit was gone when we got back (to Nada's dismay but not mine because I hate the smell and taste of pawpaw). Obviously, someone else had been eyeing the 'delicious' fruit and had beaten her to the prize The suspects are many, and this morning, Nada's indignation remains. So, I did my best to calm the storm that was brewing on the horizon and avert any possible future conflict. Apparently, in Thailand, it is considered bad manners to 'steal' fruit from the front of someone else's home. However, I pointed out that we had only been living here for three months, and whoever the culprit was had likely been nurturing the tree for many years. I told Nada that whoever had done it was likely poor and couldn't afford to buy fruit from the markets (where twenty baht gets a fruit that has been properly ripened, rather than the almost green one the 'perpetrator' had taken from 'our' tree). I like the idea that my presence (and money) here in Thailand makes a difference in some small way to people's lives. I pointed out that when we go to the markets, get a haircut, pay someone to make orthopedic shoes, buy her a nice watch or go to a restaurant, we are supporting her community...people who are far less fortunate (financially) than we are. This argument seemed to work, and my girlfriend is slowly getting over the loss. I did, however, offer something of a consolation prize when I pointed out that the tiny miniskirt and midriff top she was wearing outside today, might attract the attention of the partner/partners of any would-be fruit thieves, and if the lady (I assume it was a Thai lady because I doubt any Farang would resort to such a heinous crime) noticed her husband ogling Nada, might bring some degree of revenge...at least, that's the seed I planted in Nada's mind. |
| Nada and I walk every afternoon. We wait until around 5.00 before heading out. There is a main road out front of our estate, and it's very busy at that time of day. We only traverse a short distance before turning off into a side road without as much traffic. As we walk, Nada enjoys pointing out edible plants growing along the side of the road. And in the front gardens of houses along the way, many Thais grow fruit-bearing trees, herbs and vegetables. It's all I can do to prevent her from bringing home any greens she wants to pick along the way. As we walk, I love listening to the stories of her childhood. They help me forget about the pain in my knee and make the time pass more quickly. Last night, Nada made tom kha kai (spicy chicken soup) and it was amazing. I'm slowly building up my tolerance to chilli. My battle with sugar addiction is ongoing. I find myself craving sweet drinks and food, but the efforts are paying off and with the daily walk, I can feel my waist slowly getting smaller. When I was seventeen, I was hit by a car and broke my right femur. Long story short, I contracted an MRSA (Golden Staph) and the bone became wasted, causing my right leg to be an inch shorter than my left. As a result, I buy runners, then take them to a shoesmith who cuts the sole of the right shoe before inserting a one-inch wedge along the bottom of the shoe (from one inch at the heel to zero at the toe). In Australia, I had somewhere to get the work done, but since arriving in Thailand, I've used my old shoes to the point that they are beginning to wear. Once again, Nada came to the rescue and sourced a local Thai shoemaker who does this kind of thing. I won't know until I get the shoes back if he does quality work, but he's been in business for eighteen years and I'm hopeful my brand-new shoes will be of the standard I am used to. I'm so thankful for having Nada in my life. Not only is she sexy, kind-hearted and a great cook, but she is very helpful when it comes to sourcing day-to-day things that I would struggle to find without her. |
| Out of curiosity, I asked Nada when she last had a mammogram. After explaining what that was, I got the answer I expected, which led me to my next question. When was your last pap smear test, Nada?" Her blank look told me more than words ever could. In 2007, Nada gave birth to a healthy baby boy. She was tested (I assume looking for abnormal cells) before becoming pregnant. I wasn't horrified at how long it has been, but I will be pressing her to go to the hospital and get some tests done. Thais receive free medical, so there are no costs involved. Nada cuts my finger and toenails for me. As she trims my nails, she squints her eyes, so I asked her when she last had an eye test. No prizes for guessing how long ago it was, so I took her to an optometrist, had her eyes tested and bought her a pair of reading glasses. Walking into Thai immigration feels like walking into the headmaster's office when I was a naughty schoolboy. Today, I was there to do my 90-day report. Normally, it is a straightforward process, but because I moved into a new rental house two months ago, there have been some complications. My landlord recently lost his wife. They own two houses and both were in his wife's name. Foreigners cannot own land here in Thailand, and can only own the structure built on the land (condos are the exception for foreigners to own a freehold property). His wife had no Will, and this has created a legal nightmare for him (and I thought, possibly for me). I wasn't sure what was going to happen at immigration today, but when the officer stamped my passport, I felt a tonne of weight lift off my shoulders. The hardest thing (for me) being an ex-pat in Thailand is never really knowing if my retirement visa will be renewed or not. I have to report my address every three months, and once a year apply for a new visa to see if I am welcome to remain in the country. People who have been here for long periods would tell me to relax...that it's a foregone conclusion so long as I follow protocols and behave myself. Perhaps once I have been here as long as they have, I will become more blase about things, but until then, going to immigration is the most stressful thing I need to do here in the land of smiles. |
| They say you have to live with someone for a while before you get to know them. Many years ago, I was on a website called SupportGroups.com. It was after my divorce, and I wanted to connect with other people going through a similar experience. I also joined a meth users group to post about my journey and offer support to others in need. The list of groups on the site was extensive, and in my experience, there were a lot of damaged people who had good intentions but lacked the skills and professionalism to offer meaningful advice...and most of the focus was on handing out advice. I learned a lot in the two years I was a member there. I was inadvertently introduced to the astounding number of disorders being diagnosed and treated by 'well-intentioned' doctors. A Google search provided me with information on over two hundred different mental illnesses, along with more than four hundred and fifty definitions of mental disorders. It appears we could all fall under the banner of suffering from one disorder or another, and I wonder if the medical fraternity is guilty of over-diagnosing what in my mind appears normal/understandable (under the circumstances) behaviour rather than being abnormal. Tell a person they have a problem enough times and they will develop a problem whether there was one to begin with or not. Stress-induced...drug-induced...habits that make doing things a certain way become a little more than necessary. The fact that I like to use the same coloured pegs in pairs when I hang out the washing could be considered strange. I could go on, but surely we aren't all crazy? Or perhaps crazy comes in various degrees. One day on SupportGroups, I saw a post from a girl who was threatening suicide. She was a member of a group called HOCD (Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Apparently, according to the medical professionals who treat them, they are not gay, and instead, suffer from a mental illness that can be treated (and I would assume, cured). I felt for this young girl and reached out to her. But, I made a huge mistake by telling her that it was OK...and so what if she was gay? It's a public forum and the hate that came my way from the other members of the group surprised and shocked me. They genuinely believe they suffer from a mental illness (and later I realised that who am I to say otherwise) and any suggestion that this girl might simply be gay, they found offensive. I apologised for my lack of insight and left them to their suffering. The one good thing that came from the experience was it inspired me to write this story "HOCD...Fact or Fiction"  .After Nada and I woke up yesterday, I helped her make the bed. I've noticed this thing she does whenever I put my hand on anything around the house. I was on my side of the bed and did my best to follow her actions. I folded the doona down and arranged the pillows the same way that she did, but when I moved away from the bed, she went to my side and fixed the imperfections she saw in what I had done. There are many other things she does that I question. If I move something on the table, later, it will be back the way it was before...and don't get me started on when I offer to cook anything. Even when I do the dishes, it becomes a coaching session. So, today I sat Nada down and explained to her how it makes me feel when she always corrects what I do. She told me that because she had worked in hotels for so long, it had turned her into a perfectionist. Then she used the old line that 'she does it to make me happy'. The line blurs between habit and OCD. I could simply allow her to do everything and sit on the couch and watch TV while she makes the world right...but that's not what I consider a formula for developing a happy relationship. I was gentle in my approach. I want her to let go of her need to control everything so she can relax and enjoy this new life we are beginning together. |
| I wasn't on my A game yesterday. Nada's concerns that I wouldn't physically be able to go mushroom hunting with her, waking up early each morning (and finding it hard to get back to sleep) with thoughts of possible immigration issues and feelings of isolation are all beginning to wear on me. There are times when I wish I didn't have to leave Australia...even though I know that if I hadn't, I would have continued to use meth and died prematurely. Even now, a return would be ill-advised since I haven't properly dealt with the root causes of my addiction, and relapse would be likely. It's not like I can financially afford to go back anyway. I wouldn't say that I ran away from my problems entirely. I had a plan, and so far, it has worked out well for me. It's just that some days I miss my old life (and even the drugs). I know that sounds bad, but I'm not going to deny these feelings to you or to myself. Before I came to Thailand, drugs were my go-to when things weren't going to plan. And on the flip side, when things were going well, I used drugs to celebrate any successes that I had. Even though I am no longer physically dependent on meth, I can still feel its pull. There's one thing I didn't anticipate when I decided to relocate to Thailand. Being a writer, so much of my life has been put down in words. If Nada could read my poems and stories, it would make me a lot happier. I can't even read to her because her grasp of English is so limited. I've used Google Translate on a few occasions, but I'm not sure how well English translates to Thai, especially in regards to poetry. When Nada and I go out, I am always left out of the conversation. This causes me to feel a little down and alone at times. I'm glad I have Netflix and YouTube to help get me through. I've always been a bit of a loner, and making new friends isn't easy for me...and that's especially true here in Thailand. I'm determined to make the most of each and every day, even those that aren't fantastic. There's no point in putting pressure on myself to be something I'm not (sociable), and even though Nada and I are not able to have broadscale conversations, she has enough of a grasp of English to get us by. Over the last few days, I've been reducing my sugar intake and this may be why I'm not feeling the best at the moment. I'm not going to allow these negative feelings to affect Nada, so in goes my dummy. Tomorrow is another day. |
| I was on such a high yesterday that I was bound to come crashing down sooner or later. As a young girl growing up in Isan Province, Thailand, Nada and her family experienced times when food was scarce and there were days when they had to rely on the land to provide them with food. Bamboo grew in abundance in the hills above the rice fields, and she and her siblings would often ride their bikes searching for young shoots to collect and bring home to cook. Mushrooms were also a good source of protein, and with Mama, Papa and six hungry young mouths to feed, every bit helped. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for Nada to grow up impoverished, but that was a long time ago and no matter how many years have passed, some things are hard to change. Nada has been saying to me for weeks that she wants to go to a mountain near our home to look for mushrooms and bamboo. Personally, I would rather buy them from the markets and help support the vendors there. I didn't like the idea of her going on her own, just in case something bad were to happen so today, we rode up a dirt road to a place Nada had been before to relive her childhood. I was dressed in long pants and a jacket and wore my old shoes. I also took my trusty walking stick in case we ran into any feral dogs. When Nada asked me to stop the bike, she said for me to wait and that she would only be gone for a few minutes. She then disappeared into the forest through a barbed wire fence and I awaited her return. I thought that she wanted to make sure there was no landowner in the vicinity and that having a Farang along may have made things more difficult to explain. Thirty minutes went by before she returned...a huge smile and a plastic bag half full of mushrooms and bamboo to show for her efforts. She was pleased with her haul until she saw my face and realised that I wasn't so impressed. I made the mistake of thinking that a few minutes would be no longer than five minutes, but apparently in Thailand, a few minutes is closer to half an hour. I do understand why she didn't take me along, and that she only had my best interests at heart. You see, Nada is a strong woman who has been trekking in the hills of Thailand her entire life. On the other hand, I'm an overweight and sometimes clumsy Farang, who may have slipped and possibly hurt my bad knee. There's no doubt I would have had trouble getting under that barbed wire fence (although I would have made it even if it killed me), and in Nada's mind, I was much better off waiting for her to do her thing by the relative safety of the roadside. Upon her return, she did try and make up for her 'error' by saying we could go for a walk along an easier path than she had just negotiated, but I wasn't in the mood. I just wanted to go home and I've been sulking ever since. Tonight, Nada cooked me some lovely food, gave me a foot massage and is doing her best to lift me out of the doldrums. The problem is, the truth hurts...and Nada's concern for me was justified. The mind wants to go where the body probably shouldn't, and even though I'm sure I would have been OK, there was still some damage done to me today...and it wasn't physical, but mental. Getting old really sucks. |
| I'm not trying to make anyone jealous, but today in Hua Hin was as close to perfect as you will find. Thailand really is turning it on for the start of the high season. It's not too hot, but still warm enough to avoid the midday sun. The mornings and afternoons are to die for. Nights are still a little balmy, and we continue to use the aircon until around 5.00 am when I get up to use the bathroom and turn the AC off, leaving the pedestal fan on until we wake up later in the morning. I met Nada on the 7th of September...nine weeks ago today. Time is a funny thing. Nine weeks is not a long time to get to know someone and fall in love, and yet, that's exactly what has happened to us. It feels a lot longer for both of us. As the day's roll by, we have gone from infatuation to admiration, and now, onto something much deeper. Even our lovemaking has become less frantic and more passionate. I am a very happy man indeed. I wonder if there has ever been a case where someone (like me) who 'suffers' from a chronic case of drug-induced psychosis, only experiences positive effects from the condition. I've mentioned previously that when I am out walking and my knee injury flares up, all I need to do is ask Angel if she can help and the pain subsides almost immediately. If this happened only once or twice, I could understand it being mind over matter, but (and I say this with all honesty) it happens 100% of the time. I accept that psychosomatics is the most likely answer...a psychological placebo that creates a reality where my pain disappears. I once (jokingly) asked Angel if she could do a complete knee replacement, but she only smiled, before her eyes went side to side indicating that even she has her limits. Yesterday, I hurt my back. It was only a slight strain and is something that happens now and then. Then last night as I settled into bed, I closed my eyes and asked (silently so Nada couldn't hear) if Angel would help, and a minute later, the pain eased. I really don't care how it happens, only that it does. We went to the markets this afternoon, and on the way, we stopped at a barber shop so I could have my hair cut. I hadn't shaved in two days, so I also got the barber to shave my face. It was the first time in my life I've had someone shave me. It was an awesome experience, and for 180 baht (US$5), I'll be making it a regular thing. |
| Today was another great day exploring the countryside around Hua Hin. We visited a temple complex called Wat Pa Ban Walai, which is about a twenty-minute motorbike ride on the road to Pa La U Waterfall. It's an interesting place, with several temples and small houses dotted throughout the grounds. The whole place is situated on the side of a mountain and has a tropical feel. In one of the buildings, the mummified body of a revered monk who died thirty years ago lays in a glass case. For some reason, his skin is black. In late January every year, the monks remove his body from the case and dress him in new robes. On our way back, we went to Market Village (the largest of two local shopping malls) to get a few things. Whilst there, we had a late lunch in the food court. The food there is cheap and tasty. By coincidence, we sat at the same table as we had a few weeks before, and as I ate my food, I watched people going about their business (rather than staring at my phone like everyone else). It was then I noticed a Farang coming down the escalator. There was nothing unusual about him except I had seen the same guy three weeks before coming down the same escalator and wearing the same Pink Floyd T-shirt. A coincidence? I can accept that, but what are the chances of it happening? I must admit, I'm a bit of a conspiracy theorist. UAPs are my favourite subject, especially since I filmed something strange in the night sky a few months ago. It may have been a drone, but it was very high, and the way it shimmered and changed colour, wasn't like any drone I've seen before. Another thing I question is why cigarettes and alcohol are legal, yet other drugs are banned. The hypocrisy of this fact has always made me go, "Hmmm," considering how lethal they are in the long term. Population and wealth control? Get people from mostly lower socioeconomic groups addicted to substances that generate huge profits and won't kill them whilst they can work and pay taxes. But then, at some point after retirement, when they become a burden, their habit kills them...if they live that long. As I sat thinking about the fellow in the Pink Floyd shirt appearing again, I began looking for other telltale signs of life on repeat. Over the last six months, I've begun to notice faces in the crowd that look similar to one another. A racist comment would be to say that all Asians look alike, and that's what I am seeing. Or perhaps I have pareidolia, which may explain why, whenever I close my eyes, I see the eyes and face of a demon/entity. There's a saying/joke that goes, reality is an illusion caused by not taking drugs. While most people would say that isn't funny (or true), after my experiences whilst under the influence, I cannot help but wonder if psychoactive drugs may cause hallucinations that allow our conscious minds to see an alternative reality...either that or the doctors are correct and I am simply suffering from psychosis. In any case, I think it is a good idea to keep an open mind on things. Just because someone tells you this or that, doesn't necessarily mean it's true. |
| There are many things a man can do to remain attractive/loveable to his partner. I think buying flowers ranks pretty low on the list of things a man can do to spark the look from his lover that he craves. The reason I put the act of buying flowers so low is because they are too convenient and could be seen as an afterthought, or worse...that he is only doing it to get something in return. Things that sparkle may have more impact, but cannot (and should not) be given often for obvious reasons. They say the sexiest man in the world regularly wears an apron, and helping with the housework is a no-brainer when it comes to impressing the woman we love. But again, women are not stupid and will see right through our kind gesture if it's only done in exchange for sex. If a man is smart, he can usually get what he wants simply by showing his partner that he loves and desires her. The fact is that if it is more sex we want, we don't have to buy it by giving gifts, but we do need to earn it. Telling her she is sexy is great, but our desire for her body isn't enough and we need to express gratitude for all the things she brings to our life. I know it's early days for Nada and me, but I am acutely aware that I need to be receptive to her moods and act appropriately. Pressure to have sex is the biggest turn-off. And not just for women but for men as well. I'm not going to lie and say that I don't plan ahead when I'm feeling amorous. Foreplay begins WAY before I say anything suggestive. I can easily let her know I'm in the mood without saying a word. Complimenting Nada on her cooking skills and telling her how sexy she is throughout the day should not just be me laying down the platform, but needs to be the truth, otherwise, she will see right through me and my plans to have my way with her. Trust within a relationship is paramount, and without it, there really isn't much a man can do to get what he wants...and I'm not just referring to sex. I believe that a bitter truth will result in a better outcome than a sweet lie. And even though it might seem like the right thing to do at the time, lies will only bring heartbreak and sorrow to a relationship. "Does my bum look big in these pants?" It's a question that IMO should never be asked of a man because all it does is put him on the spot...especially if the bum does look big in whatever she is wearing. Nada and I have already been through this scenario and I told her that there are some pants she has that look better on her than others. That's the truth. There is always a way to deal with situations like that without causing harm to a woman's self-esteem...which if handled badly, will inevitably lessen her desire for sex. But still, asking questions like that can be a sign of insecurity. Let's face it, men are not the only ones who want a good sexual relationship with their partners, and if a woman seeks more sex it's more important that she feels sexy, rather than fitting into any stereotype of what society has convinced her IS sexy. And finally, the best way for me to make Nada want me is to make her laugh. I admit that is more of a challenge than it was in my previous relationships due to the language barrier preventing my words from having the desired effect on her. So, I now resort to more visual comedy. I'm a natural-born clown, and acting may have been something I could have been good at. I take a leaf from some of the comedians I grew up watching. My Mom was British, and people like Tommy Cooper, Dave Allen and Benny Hill could make their audiences laugh without saying a word. I never could have imagined that they would help me get laid long after their time had passed. |
| Today was a beautiful day in Hua Hin. The rain had gone and the sun was shining. After breakfast, Nada and I decided to go to a temple called Phra That Doi Thap Chang which is high up in the mountains thirty-minutes ride away from home. When we arrived (unbeknown to us) there was a celebration going on called the Kathin Robe Offering. I'm unsure what it's all about, but there were a lot of solemn-looking people and monks saying prayers over a loudspeaker. We made an offering (cash), lit a candle and burned some incense in the temple. Apparently, the money will be used to build a new, even bigger temple, which has already begun construction on top of the next hill. There were six unusual human-like statues surrounding the main temple. Two of them were male but had drooping breasts. I laughed at them, before asking Nada if they were ugly ladyboys. I've never seen her look so serious. She then told me they were ghosts that haunt the grounds and that they didn't like people poking fun at them...SHIT. Still not taking things too seriously, I told Nada that perhaps my ghost (Angel) might like to stay there with the six others. It was then that I looked down and we were standing in the middle of a mosaic depicting a Yin and Yang. I rolled up the right sleeve of my jacket and revealed to Nada a Yin and Yang tattoo on my inner forearm...spooky or what? LOL. On the way home, we called into some markets and I was the only Farang there. Coming from Australia, where I spent a lifetime as a Caucasian majority, there's something quite strange about suddenly becoming part of a minority group. I will often complain to Nada about how Thais see and treat foreigners as second-class citizens, but at the markets today, I enjoyed standing out in the crowd. Even at the temple, I was the only Farang in sight and instead of feeling awkward, I danced to the music...much to the amusement of one of the monks. I've written quite a few jokes and one day, I hope to do some stand-up comedy...which may help explain this unusual hunger for the spotlight. |
| Nada owns a fourteen-year-old Honda Scoopy that's done 450k kilometres. Last week, we went to our local Honda Dealership and I bought her a brand-new Scoopy. My BMW isn't practical for us to go to the markets and it puts my mind at ease when she rides out the gate on a reliable bike (not to mention it helps to keep the mileage low on my bike). I could have put the Scoopy in my name, but I figure it's time I started putting some faith in this relationship. It cost 55k baht (around US$1600), and because she is Thai, she negotiated the price down more than I could have. I am putting my trust in her and seeing what she does with it. I would prefer to lose a motorbike than a house if things end up going bad. Nada has gifted her old bike to her older sister, who lives in Roi Et, in Isan Province. We dropped the bike off at a bus depot today, where it was loaded onto a bus to be delivered in the morning. The rain has finally cleared, only to be replaced by humidity. We turned on the aircon this afternoon for the first time in a week and it will be on tonight when we go to sleep. When Nada's period is due, she has trouble sleeping, and over the last few nights, she has resorted to going into one of the spare bedrooms and sleeping on the tiled floor. There's a bed in the other spare room, but she says it comforts her to sleep on the hard floor because it takes her back to her childhood. I just made a joke, saying that she wouldn't be leaving our air-conditioned room tonight, no matter how nostalgic she becomes. The symptoms of psychosis are diminishing to the point where I rarely 'talk' to Angel anymore. I'm finding it harder to see her in my field of vision, and nowadays, I only think of her when I lay down to go to sleep. Three months ago (and pretty much from when I arrived in Thailand), she appeared vividly every night, but since the arrival of Nada, Angel has taken a back seat in my life. Perhaps loneliness was a factor in why she was always around. How long it has been since I last used meth may also be why I no longer see her when the lights go out. In any case, I'm glad that part of my life is behind me. |
| We had a pretty dry wet season here in Hua Hin, but since winter arrived, it has rained almost every day. Around 4.00 am, I wake to the first rumbles of thunder. I get up and go to the bathroom, and on my way back to bed, I close one of my bedroom windows (the one with only a small soffit above it). Then, as I lay down in bed, the approaching storm lulls me back to sleep. It's moments like this that make me appreciate retirement. Before I became a caregiver for my parents, I drove a truck delivering hire equipment to builders. I remember mornings like this when I would wake up to the sound of rain and couldn't go back to sleep because I was dreading what the day would bring. These days, as I sit on the loo listening to the first drops of rain hitting the roof, all I feel is contentment. Knowing that Nada's warm body and our comfortable bed are just a few steps away, helps me forget my past challenges and realise just how lucky I am to be here in Thailand. Nada has a fever this morning. I'm guessing that she is about to get her period. In the days leading up to her period, she gets very emotional. As I hugged her and wiped away her tears, I did what I do best and made her laugh. I realise it's all I can do to help her through. I'm still teaching Nada English and one of the lessons coincidentally includes the quote...'The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain'. We were going to go to the grocery store at Blueport today, but it can wait until tomorrow. I have enough of the items I can only get there on hand. The afternoons are generally clear of rain, and there are two Seven-11 stores, a mini Big C and fresh food markets all within five minutes of our house. I've ordered Nada to go back to bed, which gives me a chance to write this post and catch up with the latest news. I'm not going to whine about the US election result. The hope is that it won't have a huge effect on me here in Thailand. It's not my country anyway. Yes, I'm disappointed that a person who lacks morality...who in his closing speech simulated giving the microphone a blow job, could become the leader of the free world, but it's water under the bridge now. I cannot help but think this marks a huge change (and not for the better) for everyone, and not just for the citizens of the US. I could be wrong, and I pray that I am. That's all I have to say on the matter. |
| Growing up in rural Thailand, Nada never had a TV or the time to watch one if she did. She led a simple life, cooking and cleaning when she wasn't at school. I'm still surprised at how little she knows about the world outside of Thailand. I keep searching for things we can relate to. Nada knows nothing about Western music, world history or current affairs. When I spoke to her about the current election in the US, she had never even heard the name Donald Trump, let alone Kamala Harris. If I mention democracy, dictatorships and the threat of nuclear war, all receive the same blank stare. In a way, I envy her, but I have to admit it is hard to be with someone who cannot express their opinion on much more than food preparation and good presentation outside the home. Nada may not be able to hold a conversation on world affairs, but she does have feelings and is a very sensitive human being. She loves me a lot, and although it would be nice to have an in-depth conversation with her, I wouldn't change a thing about Nada. My girlfriend is vibrant and sexy. She works hard and loves her son and in all honesty, I am lucky to have met someone like her...in a country that is renowned for the girlfriend/Farang scam. Yesterday, I found her listening to a YouTube channel that teaches Thais how to speak English. I was pretty impressed because she could have been looking at other, not so helpful to our relationship, content. She understands how important communication is to me, and is making an effort to improve her vocabulary...and for that, I am thankful. |
| A power cut that lasted for a fraction of a second just cost me two hours of work writing a post. It's been a while since that happened, and a lesson has been learned. It isn't the time lost, it's the fact that the only thing I can replicate is the title (and I won't even do that)...the rest simply won't be the same. During the eight years I was alone, I contemplated what kind of relationship I wanted once I found someone and fell in love. Of course, no one can foresee the future, and I couldn't have imagined finding Nada and what this relationship has been so far. It was more of a case of becoming the kind of man I needed to be in order to make a decent go of it. Quitting drugs was first and foremost in my plan. Remembering the lessons and mistakes from my past relationships was also something I spent a lot of time thinking about. After just two months together, the reality of being with someone is hitting home. I knew it was coming and have been preparing myself as best as possible for it. Sex is a great distraction and an important part of any successful relationship. We are settling into the routine of living together. It's a partnership based on trust and we are both committed to making it work. The biggest challenge we face is communication, but there are always going to be issues...it's just the way it is when in a relationship. Bettina Arndt is an Australian writer and commentator who specialises in sex and gender issues. She has studied hundreds of couples trying to find out why it is that so many long-term relationships are either unhappy or end in divorce. Of course, there are many reasons this happens, but she advocates one simple thing to bring more joy to these otherwise unhappy people. Bettina is a big fan of maintaining a healthy sexual relationship between couples. Men, especially, suffer when sex becomes a chore for their partners and she has a catchphrase for women who want more than someone to take out the garbage..."Just do it". I know it isn't that simple...that there can be factors such as past abuse, cheating or simply not being attracted to their partners anymore. If you have a few moments spare and want to learn more about what men want (and if the answer is that you don't care, then that pretty much sums up what kind of future your relationship will have), then check out her videos on YouTube. Funnily enough, after watching a BA video, YouTube's AI showed me a video from the 40s called, 'It Ain't Gonna Sck Itself'...an early version of marriage counselling that's both funny and entertaining. Yesterday, Nada and I went for a ride to Khao Sam Roi National Park and climbed to Khao Daeng Viewpoint. It wasn't an easy trail, but we got up and down in a couple of hours. Today, we are both feeling it. I'm struggling mentally with losing the work I did. This post doesn't come close and I apologise for its lack of quality content. Nada is hoping she can alleviate my sorrow by cooking me a lovely 'runch'. I'm going to end it here and try and forget my disappointment...after all, it isn't like posting is the be-all and end-all in life. |
| Tomorrow is Nada's forty-eighth birthday, so we went shopping so I could buy her a present. After visiting several shops, I got her a watch—nothing outlandishly expensive, just a nice, reasonably-priced piece that looks great on her slender wrist. On our way home, we called into the local market to buy fruit and vegetables. I really enjoy the atmosphere there. It's a very different kind of crowd than at the mall we had just left. Nada and I are so in love. I think some people we see out and about can sense this as they tend to smile at us. I always attempt to participate in the banter between Nada and the market stall owners. I only know a few words of Thai, but it's enough, along with facial expressions, to appear more than just an arrogant Farang who doesn't even want to try. Nada is from Isan. They have their own kind of food and I have to admit that I am not a fan. Today, as we walked around the stalls, one in particular got Nada's attention. On the table, there was a sealed bag that contained a bright green fluid, and when my girlfriend saw it, her eyes lit up. She spoke excitedly to the old couple who were selling the stuff, before I said to them in English, "Isan food"...then shook my head and made a horrible face. They laughed (because few Westerners enjoy their cultural cuisine), and then, as we walked away, Nada explained that it was made from trees and just how good for the body it is. Tomorrow night we are going to celebrate Nada's birthday at the same restaurant we went to for my birthday. It's an all-you-can-eat affair, where they place a small BBQ on the table where you cook your food. There's a vast selection including seafood, pork and chicken...followed by an array of different flavoured ice cream. It's been almost two months since Nada and I met, although it feels a lot longer than that. We are still adjusting. My snoring sometimes keeps Nada awake, and her lack of English, at times, causes me frustration. I'm taking the time to teach her to be more fluent, even though I think her pronunciation of some words is so cute. And even though I know what she is saying, I understand it is better to try and improve her speech than to be entertained by it. |
| I haven't written a static item in some time. Creativity used to ebb and flow according to how deep into the binge I was...and how happy or sad I was in general. These days, most of my creative energy is spent here on the blog. Coming up with new stuff to write about, in my mind, shouldn't be a forced thing. I believe that if I have nothing worthwhile to say, and try to say something anyway, that will transcribe onto the 'page'...and that simply will not do. Because I have a reasonable backlog of work, in these lacklustre moments, I will at times, copy-paste from my port to here. This serves two purposes. The first is to relieve me of the burden (and you of the mediocrity) of trying to find something...anything...to post simply for the sake of it. The second, and for me, more appealing reason for using this tactic, is the hope that the extract may be entertaining enough to bring more readers to my port. Before I joined WdC the first time, I sat in my bedroom and wrote stuff that no one but my Mom heard. This went on for a year before I searched for and found this site. Then, I began posting my work. I stayed for a year or two before I told a member, who I had befriended, that I had relapsed. When things soured between us, he threatened to expose my drug use to my local police. Because of this, I panicked and closed my account. I stayed away for a year before returning. I was sober then, which gave me the courage to talk publicly about my drug use, but it wasn't long until I relapsed again. It was then I had to decide whether to hide my shame or confess to the world. At that time, WakeUpAndLive and I had become friends. I told her about my relapse and she suggested I begin blogging. She even created the blog's name for me...thank you P...I will always be indebted to you for your support back then, which continues today. I decided to be completely honest in writing about my journey...writing which at times, can be brutal for me to go back and read. There have been so many people who have shared their thoughts with me over the last three years, and to all those who have shown me support, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know and appreciate how lucky I am to have found this site and the majority of members who have not judged me, and instead, supported a complete stranger, who, let's face it, didn't always make the best choices. I look back now and wonder (going by the previous post)...how could think of using meth again? I have to face that I will always be at risk. All it takes is one drink for an alcoholic to fall off the wagon, and it is no different for me. Knowing my triggers and not putting myself in harm's way is so important. Writing about my life on this blog is also a good way to remain grounded. Thank you to everyone who comes here and shows an interest in my life. |
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