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A collection of thoughts and ideas |
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Welcome friend
You have found my collection of ideas and thoughts. Who knows there might even be an article or two hidden in here. |
| I woke this morning not wanting to leave the embrace of my bedding. warm and soft calming and relaxing. Yet, I knew it was time for me to do so. As I started to rise it was then I felt the resistant pull of one not wanting to leave their side. wanting to hold me closer and send shivers of delight up my spine. Here's the kicker I know I am alone in my bed. I know that there are only two people in my home and the second one it tucked away deep in sleep in his bed in his room. Yet here is the feeling that I am not alone that the one I want is lying there next to me drawing me closer to be wrapped in his loving embrace. I do give in for a moment wrapping my blankets back around me just to realize that he is not there just as I knew he would not be. I sat there for a moment, wishing what I had felt was in the here and now. Wishing I could reach out and find my love at my side. Knowing that if I turn no one will be there. Knowing that my bed is empty and only shows where I have been. Yet, I cannot help but welcome the feeling for at lest even in the shadows of my mind I know what those feelings still are. I will admit that when I curled back up under my blankets hoping it was not a dream than there would be more than just snuggling yet I got to be just wrapped by my blankets clinging to a dream I never know if it will come true. |
| I do my best to stay strong. It's not easy being alone raising my son with out help. It dose not help that he is in a mode of challeng the rules. To top that off I right now am not as strong as I had been for a found someone who I want to be with that is 300 miles away so I tend to get frustrated on little thing because they magnify the frustration of not being able to build a closer physical relationship. The one I want to be around I know respects what I can do. Wich is a great change from many I had been talking to that seam to only want trophy gals that are limited in what they can do. With that said part of what I broke down over was the fact I half had to force my to join me in my make shift yard seating and cooking area. Well to call it make shift is real an insult to what I had created. 3 folding chairs spaced out with either a table or stool tray for drinks a table for food and then my small grilling table with grill. I loved how it came out because it looked like I had made a section in front of my windows my living room. With a grilling spot out in front. My son came out for a bit because I had banned him from being on electronics because he called me a lier about something I said even though he was a sleep. The sad part here is that I did not know he was asleep till later and I mean hours later. So yeah, oure frustration on my part. I think what was worse was the fact I recognized that he might not have heard me because he was sleeping and he flat out called me a lier. |
| It's silly I know, but right now I feel lost. Plans that had been in motion just hit a wall. My dear neighbor had been looking at renting a car for a road trip. We had planned to got up to my home town town 300 miles away. It would have given me a chance to see my bf and my son to get time with his father. That just got shut down thanks to my neighbors doctor saying it was to long a drive for her. So, now I am stuck unable to do what I was planning. Sadly it was one of the few times I was thinking just about me. I normally do all I can to ensure my son has a home food and if he needs me can get a hold of me. It's been years I have done this. Through hell and disappear I have been there for my son. Doing all I can to be there for him and to protect him. Now when I do for me I get turned down just one little thing but still it was just for me. Who knows that might be why i got turned down. Why i am being shown a wall. |
| Someone or something is looking out for me. Everything I have gone through I keep getting aces about getting to spend time with my bf even though he is 300 miles away. The weekend of the 24th I have a chance to gose him. All I need to do is make the arrangements for the ride. I still need to get in touch with my son's father so that they can spend at lest a day together. My neighbor has family in Fairbanks as well so I want to make sure she has someplace to visit as well. All so I can see my bf. |
| I cannot help but go over the walk I took with my bf. things started as a bight sunny day. but in the matter of minutes they brightened and deepened colors becoming sharper and more vibrant. I felt my body relax and sing as if it had just been too tightly wound up. I was tired but in a good way yet also so full of energy I had not felt in a long time. |
| It's so silly I feel like dancing from the rooftops. I know its not much but finding that special someone is alway a great feeling. To find they have the same feelings that in its own way magic nothing can really explain. There might be 300 miles between us but I know I don't have to worry this one's a keeper. The good thing is that depending on how things go the job I hold I can do transfers with and there is a location in the town he is in. |
| Ok, this past week has been an odd rollercoaster ride for me. My son came back on Wednesday as his father promised and of course I have had my ups and downs as I worked out with kiddo that the only bad thing was that he did not get a private spot for just him. But with how many people are in that house I am not surprised. As for me it's been an odd mix of feeling like I was forgotten about just to have the one I have been talking to normally ping in about that time. We got to talking to find out we both have had feelings for each other from years ago before my son was born. We worked at the same place and well yeah. Time use to be perfect that I could talk with him on his break and before I clocked in. I dont know if he is going to tell anyone but I know I'm floating. |
| I never realized how much I would stress over my son being with his father. Now, that he is home I feel the stress wash away knowing everything is alright. My son appears to have had a good time with his father and i managed to connect with an old friend while he was away that has the possibility of becoming more. |
| My world is spinning and I am not sure how but the downward swirl I had been in is hopefully been turned on its backside. I was not doing well emotionally then COVID lockdown started. Really the only thing that kept me going was my work and my son. yet through that I was talking with an old friend I knew was interested in me just did not realizes how much till just recently. it was all in thanks to my brother who showed up one thursday and said here have my rig for a week. I took advantage of the situation and drove 300 miles to give my son a chance to s[end time with his father. I dropped my son off at my exs then drove back home feeling lonely but good that I was giving my son what he asked for. The fallowing weekend I drove back just to get asked if he could stay till his father could drive him back. nervous i said yes. I then took an opportunity to see the one I had been talking with. Easy to say I'm not the only one that had been looking but him being married ment we both were behaving. I don't break up couples and well I could see that h was not into temptation. Yes, back then I was single. The conation i felt was just like old times we walked and talked. I relaxed so much. I had not felt that relaxed in so many years. Right now nearly anything bings him to mind wanting to share or just to be closer to him. |
| Well, this past weekend has been an interesting one. Right now my son is with his father so I am a nervous weak about that. Grant it I am told my son is having fun and his messages are saying the same but my kid knows how well i worry so he might be holding back to keep me from worrying. As for me I connect with an old friend that like me right now is free to see who they want. I cannot help but think about him since I had to go home. needless to say we are 300 miles apart right now. but when we are talking it as if he is right there next to me. Hes one of the few people "I have found not stirred away by all I can do. So yeah i just pray this turns out for the best. I'm tired of being alone. Tired of looking over my own shoulder. tired of feeling like the world thinks I need to be alone. I know my great friends here are here and have helped greatly keep me stable. Thank you. |
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