DeNine, thank you for the privilege of reviewing the first chapter of your book! I am honored to be asked. Therefore, I have the intention of being as thorough as I possibly can be, while offering you all the encouragement that a young writer needs in the process of becoming a seasoned and polished writer.
 Overall Impression: You must already be aware that good books can become great books only through honest evaluation on the part of the reader and sufficient emotional "thick skin" in order to be able to receive constructive criticism on your part. Otherwise, you would not have asked me for a thorough review.
Now, as to the story,...your concept has merit. The fact that it kept my interest, drawing me through to the end is a bonus. I was not bored, nor was I revulsed by an overuse of graphic elements, (i.e. blood, gore & the like.)
As a rule I do not choose to read novels that would be rated, "R" for violence and explicit love scenes. I don't find either of these elements in your chapter, especially the latter, since it is very early in the book. This chapter is probably "PG" or the milder side of "PG-13."
 Suggestions: Please, give the reader a more detailed understanding of the "Lilitu." Even as I write this suggestion, I am already assuming that this is your plan in chapter #2. As you go into the larger background of your new concept of the human, otherworldly spirit-being keep in mind that there are already well-defined concepts of the spirit and how it operates, within the various religious systems the world over.
1. The "Lilitu" could become a warmed-over zombie character, if you are not careful.
2. Within the Christian framework, which is my background and therefore is most familiar to me, the spirit is the actual person and the body is the house in which the spiritual person lives until death. To let the devil have the spirit, taking it to Hell is "Game Over" for the Christian, meaning that you will lose that part of your audience. A body without the original spirit is merely a squatter in an abandoned tenement.
3. If the "Lilitu" is made to be the refurbished, recreated original spirit similar to the idea of a spiritual version of The Six-Million Dollar Man, (Google it. It was a great sitcom back in the 1970s,) then you would keep my interest. In this case the "pay-the-piper" element would delayed as in most "bartering-with-the-devil" stories.
4. There could be other elements religiously-speaking, but I am not as versed in some of the other world religions. You may want to interview individuals from those backgrounds as you consider the best way to proceed.
 Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
"The trees like old men just sitting there waiting to die." This sentence would be helped by adding the word, "were" in between "trees" and "like."
"...was..." This verb of being was used multiple times in the introductory section before the chapter began.
I will now pass along the advice I have been given.
"Was" tends to create weak sentences of the "telling" variety. If there is one liability that I have in my writing, too, it is this one. My own reviewers have repeatedly told me, "You need to use imagery to its fullest potential. Make the reader taste, see, hear, touch and smell your story. Put your reader inside of your story. Don't just tell them what happened." I still have a long way to go myself, but at least I have delivered the message to you. Onward & Upward! 
"I inhaled the crisp clean air, it was adequate." "Adequate"? My Friend, the reader just turned off the light and went straight to sleep. Or at the very least you elicited a wry smile. I am quite sure the reader would be better served to learn that "the crisp clean air" was EXHILARATING! That way you "set the hook" as you begin to "reel in" the reader.
"The naked or else orange trees were scattered about the school." What is my option here? Do I see "naked trees" or "orange trees" or both? It might be better to describe the trees as "bare" or "with bare branches." "Naked" is usually a characteristic that makes me think of a human being, but maybe that's just me...
"My old silver car skidded around the corner and into the parking lot and would have left marks on the road except for my tires already being too raw." DeNine, I, personally, think that this sentence is too complex to be "chewed" by the reader without some level of discomfort. "My old silver car skidded around the corner and into the parking lot. It would have left marks on the road, except for the fact that my tires were bald." "Worn" is acceptable in the place of "bald." "Were worn raw" is doable as well.
"I got out and heaved my backpack with me." When I read this sentence I was not really sure what it was supposed to mean. I think it is the idea is that "I got out of my car, I heaved my backpack over my shoulders and I lugged it with me." "Heaved" is a solitary motion. Heaving over and over and over again, while making the forward progress of walking seems a little unnecessary to me. Separating the actions reduces the confusion.
"...and went to my homeroom. Health." The construction of this thought is a little challenging for me to read. Do you mean that your homeroom is in the same room as Health class? Or is this the euphemism of an epithet? Simply put, did you say "Health," when you meant, "Hell!"?
"...scythe raised over the schools principal." An apostrophe is needed in the word, "school's."
"Forty minutes later and the teacher started handing back their last assignments." It should be "our last assignments," since you are part of the class. DeNine, this is a consistent point of concern in your sentence structure throughout the chapter. I'm not sure why it should be so, but you often change pronouns in the middle of a sentence. This tends to be very confusing for the reader.
"Perhaps if I hit it hard enough I could get a concussion?" I believe that a period at the end of the sentence would serve you quite well. Change it to "If I hit it hard enough, could I get a concussion?" and the reader would probably wonder along with you as to whether or not you were truly conflicted about the outcome.
"I worked the sets and pulled ropes for nearly an hour. They had to put them in place and take them down and make sure the floating ones were secure so they wouldn't squish the little Shakespearians." DeNine, the structure of these sentences is a little confusing. Maybe I can help. "I moved the sets and pulled ropes for nearly an hour. The stage hands had to put them in place and take them down on cue, making sure the floating ones were secure so they wouldn't fall over at an inopportune moment. We wouldn't want to squish the little Shakespearians, now would we?" (As a community actor myself I am very aware of the importance of good stage help. I have been both on stage for some performances and back-stage for others.)
"We drove in silence for a few minutes, me sinking out of view whenever they passed someone." This is another example of changing pronouns to the level of confusion. Let's try this. "We drove in silence for a few minutes, while I sank out of sight every time we passed someone on the street."
"They told me about what we'd expected, except we had to pay for his, oh so knowledgeable thoughts." This is another confusing change of pronouns. How about this approach? "He told me about what we'd expected, except that we had to pay for his 'oh-so-knowledgeable' thoughts." By the way is this being portrayed as the typical cynicism of teenagers, who have disdain for authority figures? A doctor's knowledge is usually worth the price paid to receive it. For instance, I heard about one man, who was upset over his $650 bill for a 15-minute in-office surgery procedure. When asked about the "exorbitant price," the doctor replied, "I charged you $50 for my time and $600 for knowing where and how to cut and how to sew you back together."
"And these," I said, putting the pills and bowl on the coffee table. "Are for when you wake up with a headache and feel the need to throw up.” This one is very simple. The word, "Are" is part of the same sentence as the words, "And these." Lower-case is all that is necessary. "are for you for when you wake up..."
"I wasn't dressed appropriately for the weather and the walk to school was reluctant to say the least." The structure of this sentence is a little confusing to me. How about this? "I wasn't dressed appropriately for the weather. I was reluctant to walk to school to say the least."
"Then Ms. Mitchell snapped 'Quite!'" American high school students often have trouble with this one. "Quiet" fits the situation better than "quite." In other words it is quite understandable that "quite" is confused with "quiet," since the spelling and the pronunciation of these words are so similar.
"I heard the librarian keep shhhing them and telling them to please take it outside." I understand the concept of "shhhing" because this is the sound that is made by the person in authority in the attempt to restore peace and quiet. However, there is actually a word, known as "shushing" that has linguistic preference.
"Thanks for helping me there is no way the paper would be this good if I had to do it on my own." Two sentences are better than one in this case. Place a period after the word, "me." Capitalize the "t" in the word, "there." Also, change the word, "is" to "was" to maintain verbal continuity.
"I hated walking it took forever." Again, we need two sentences here for clarification. Put a period after the word, "walking." Capitalize the "i" in the word, "it."
"It was only me and my dad..." Proper English always shows deference to others. Mention the other person before you mention yourself. "It was only my dad and I..." (However, I just checked a discussion forum. It would seem that my expression is classical English and yours is modern usage English. Therefore, the choice is apparently yours.)
"I was still walking, guessing a little more than half a mile to go and trying not to think about it." I think three sentences would help you here. "I was still walking. I was guessing I had a little more than half a mile to go. I tried not to think about it."
"I saw 4 figures ahead." Traditionally, numbers of less than two digits are not written as numerals in literature, unless they are a part of an address. For instance, "4 Willow Lane" would be acceptable as would the sentence, "I saw four figures ahead of me."
"Then one of Josh's friends, Cory picked up my binder..." "Cory" should be completely set off from the rest of the sentence. Just add one comma after the name, "Cory."
"'What?' Josh said..." This is a question. The literary indicator should be in agreement. "'What?' Josh asked..."
"Joshes face went all red." As I understand there is only one "Josh" in this story. Your sentence would be better served by using the possessive noun, "Josh's." Now, five "Joshes" would merit the "es" suffix. However, in the present case I think we're just joshin'! 
"Josh, Cory, Mike, and Seth began to surround me." The expression, "began to surround me" is not as strong as "surrounded me."
"...then looked back at me after reassuring himself that no ones around and..." This phrase stretches the reader's understanding. The following would help I am quite sure. "...then looked back at me after reassuring himself that no one else was around and..."
"'Please help me!' I shouted again when I saw him reappear from behind the tree but he still didn't move, just watched." Please, replace the word, "him" with "the man" for clarification.
"Your right, we better get out of here before cops come." This sentence needs one simple adjustment. "Your right" could indicate that I possess the freedom of speech in the USA. However, "You're right" would tell someone that you agree with him or her. "You are right!"
"I was laying on gravel." Many people still have difficulty with this one. "I was lying on the gravel."
"Lying" means that the body is prone (as in "lying down to sleep.") "Laying" is something I do with my hands. "Laying" means that my hands are placing something (usually in a secured way) in order for it to be possible for me to return and to procure said item at a later date. "He was laying his coat across the back of the chair because he wanted to go to the kitchen to get a glass of water."
"My entire body echoing with pain." We could go in two directions with this sentence. "My entire body was racked with pain." Or "My entire body reverberated with pain."
"Suddenly my body was wracked with shivers. I'm so cold." Here you changed the tense of the verbs. You went from past to present in the same paragraph. English grammar rules call that a "No-No!" Of course, we could fudge a little like this. "Suddenly, my body shuddered! 'I'm so cold,' I thought." By the way, the usage of rack in this expression should be written without the "w." (I just checked that one for myself on Google.)
"I was apart of the tunnel, lights, and motion." This idea is better served by separating the word, "apart" into two words, "a part." Amazingly, the separation of the words creates a closer bond with the environment. "Apart" means "I" was separated from "the tunnel, lights and motion." However, you want the speaker to be "a part of" (or "joined with" or "connected to") "the tunnel, lights and motion."
"I looked around expecting to see someone to greet me. My older sister who died at 19 by a drunk driver. I would like to see her again." This section is written in run-on thoughts. I understand what you mean because I can "read between the lines," but if you want this to be a little more understandable to the average reader, then we should probably add a few words. "I looked around expecting to see someone to greet me. I was hoping it might be my older sister, who died at 19 years of age, by a drunk driver. I would love to see her again."
"The darkness of his eyes seemed to go on and on, the depths endless." It would be best to complete these sentences with the word, "were" as "...the depths were endless." Your original for that phrase would be doable in a line of poetry, but I think the extra word makes your prose better.
"His hair was long for a mans but slicked back smoothly." My Friend, "mans" is not a word in English. You can correct this in one of two ways. 1. "His hair was long for a man..." Or 2. "His hair was long for a man's hair..."
"...he took a deep breath in and spoke" Please, complete the sentence with a period.
"He materialized a clipboard out of thin are..." I am sure the word needed here at the end of this quote is the word, "air."
"My dad drinking every day, asleep by the time I got home." This quote is very conversational, but not grammatically correct. "My dad was drinking every day. So, he was usually asleep by the time I got home."
"Well, what else is there? What would I be going back to? My dad drinking every day, asleep by the time I got home. The loneliness I knew I would be facing because it was constant. The longing for things I could never have. Like Jennifer, with her quizzical smile. Like popularity, and love, and acceptance. Like having people think I was interesting and mature." This is the broader quote. It simply needs a few additional words to help the meaning to be clearer as follows. "Well, what else is there? What would I be going back to experience? My dad was drinking every day. So, he was asleep by the time I got home. I knew I would be facing loneliness because it was constant. I would continue to experience the longing for things I could never have. One of these was Jennifer, with her quizzical smile. Others were popularity, and love, and acceptance. I really wished I could have people think I was interesting and mature."
"Come on, there's got to be something good back there?" This is a statement, not a question. Of course, you could very simply turn it into a rhetorical question. "Come on, there's got to be something good back there, right?"
This review stops with the quote, "I took the clipboard. The writing on the clipboard wasn't English, looking at it closely, it appeared to be Latin. My hand shook as I signed my name in dark red ink on the line." You seem to have drawn a line and you added another whole section to this chapter, while I was reviewing it. I already have 3-4 sittings into this review and my schedule is starting to fill for the week. I hope to go back and read the rest at some point, but I am not sure how soon that will be. I'm sure you can understand. Thanks. Besides, the quote at the top of this paragraph is a great place to end the first chapter. It's a cliff-hanger! You don't need to add to that,...at least not for the chapter to finish well.
By the way, this last quote does need a little clarification, too. May I suggest this? "I took the clipboard. The writing on it wasn't English, but as I looked at it more closely, it appeared to be Latin. My hand shook as I signed my name in dark red ink on the line."
 What I Like: I like the fact that your base story is intriguing enough to keep my interest. I actually care what happens to the young man throughout the rest of the tale. This is kind of like an audition act on America's Got Talent. "You've got a 'Yes' from me!" Now, the question remains, "Can you take this to the next level, still without graphic violence to the point of being gory? Can you keep the love interest tender and sweet without becoming overly physical?"
Honestly, if it becomes a strong "R" rating, then I will probably go looking for other reading material. However, if suspense and intrigue is done properly, then I will be interested in continuing to read. If you would like to read a good example of the type of novel that keeps my interest, the All The Light We Cannot See would be worth your time.
Again, thank you for the invite. Thank you for taking the time to read such a lengthy review. I hope my thoughts are the kind that will help you to be the best novelist you can be. You obviously are able to create a world that is larger than your own. You can certainly "think outside of the box."
Take care! WRITE ON!!! |
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Overall Impression: This is a great bit of creativity. It tugs at the heartstrings. It certainly turns the old childhood game of "Good Guys & Bad Guys" on its ears. The old assumption is that WE are the "good guys" and THEY are the "bad guys." I have come to understand that Compassion for Others in the Truth is on the side of the "good guys" and Misinformation is on the side of the "bad guys."
