Askpaddy, thank you for the privilege of reviewing your work. My thoughts are, indeed, my thoughts. Please, take as many as you can use and leave the rest. Thank you. :)
 Overall Impression: There is a strong correlation in this story to Romans 8:28, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." There is a clear message, that all denominations are important and one is not more important than the others.
Plus, there is a vital message of "Drunk parishioners should probably not go to church, until they've sobered up." ;)
 Suggestions: There are ways in which a message can be given to a wider audience with greater appeal to the eyes and to the ears. “Parish Priest Poleaxed by Christmas Crib Shepherd” is (if I may be so bold) challenging to pronounce, and difficult to comprehend at first glance. This has some great alliteration going on here, but it does not come quickly off the tongue. I have understood, that news articles are to be written on a sixth-grade reading level. Again, at first glance this appears to be eleventh or twelfth grade reading level from yesteryear (and probably a college-level of today.)
The meaning behind the expression, “Thou shall not commit adultery - adultery thou shall not commit” is a little confusing to me. Is there a reason why the words needed to be repeated with only slight variation?
As I have been told excessive capitalization of words tends to distract from the message of the story. To my understanding "denominations" and "angel cakes" at the end of the story would improve the receptivity of the story.
The words, "fetes" and "skidpan" are not definitions at the front of my brain. Would it be possible to find a word a bit more universally understood?
As a couple of overall notes, I have been told to do more showing than telling with my stories. I am told to use more imagery to help the reader to see the story, to smell the story, to hear the story and maybe even to touch the story. In my opinion this story could benefit from the same counsel.
It is important to keep characters from becoming cliché. “To Fleece the Public..." seems to create the tone of an author "with an axe to grind." It has been my experience, that good and bad humans can be found in any line of work. In all candor doctors can appear to "fleece the public" with the prices they charge. However, I heard one account, that puts things into perspective. One doctor was asked about his bill, "Why did you charge me $600 for a 30 minute procedure?" His response was simple, "$50 is the charge for my time. $550 is for knowing where to cut."
 Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: There are a few mistakes here, that are easy enough to catch, simply by rereading "with a fine-toothed comb."
1. On the third line from the top "coincidental" would be honored to have a period following his personage.
2. I my opinion "...the Monday Ministers." (using the quotation marks) would be more in line with signifying a given title (or coined phrase.)
3. I think "Cream Bun Café" could be well-served with the additional capital "C."
 What I Like: I like the fact, that the community of ministers came out in full force to care for the needs of one minister, who had been treated very badly. Support rather than competition wins out in this story, which is as it should be in my humble opinion.
There is a great start here in this story. If it could be revised and simplified, I believe it is potentially a very readable story. Write on! :D |
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