very imaginative -- i saw this prompt and drew a complete blank. you did wonderful with it.
Graceland is one word I think
Within a minute or two he had set the game up on a chair, which he placed in between the four of us. - if a sentence ends with an adverb clause, no comma is used. The subordinating conjunction is enough of a separation.
The ending was cute, but could have ended a little stronger - maybe with them fighting over the game or the psychic girl cheating. Very cute premise - I can even see a sequel with these characters.
I love the imagination and word choice. The organization and flow is very good.
: To most mortals, the idea of being a witch or a wizard sounds glorious: spells and potions to fix any problem? -- The intro paragraph stumbles just a bit because it goes from present to past tense
her up. It was a terrible screech which sounded like a combination of a cat in heat and a rubber ducky with the flu - i love this line
The confession and story behind it are very original!!!
I would have liked more description on how you felt about being at confession - i don't quite get the feeling of emotion in the piece. I think a little more description would bring this out. But since this was a contest piece you may have been limited on words. Any hoooooo - just my thoughts.
I did something terrible, years ago - no comma needed
Wanting God's creatures to be free was a noble cause, she just had to think about how she freed them - semicolon instead of comma
I love the ending. You have to love a woman who believes in a cause.
I love ghost stories!!! and yours rock! You have taken the "normal" ghost story one step further and I love that.
I think the twists are superb, especially when you think there aren't anymore.
It was Halloween 1998 when I first heard the story about the death, back in the early ’80s, of a teenage girl on Old Hook Road. - no comma after 80's in my opinion
gave mom a kiss and an “I love you,” and were out the door - i think you need "we" before were
Sure enough, the rail was spattered at that point with a dark-colored substance that looked to be blood - i would delete "at that point" -
At that point I could see, by my headlights, that is was a black Cadillac. - it was a black Cadillac
I wish i could pic a favorite line or paragraph, but there were so many good ones. The moral of the story "Don't kick your prom date out of the car" lol.
Another great story! Great description of Charlie, both physically and personality-wise.
I thought your paragraphs were the Banshee was chasing him were great. I could visualize it and was yelling for him.
Small grammar things:
Whenever Charlie would go to run an errand - you could delete the to before run to tighten it up
suspect the truth is, you would gladly exchange all that for this little key I hold in my shirt pocket. - no comma is needed after is
Where – and who – could that be from? he asked himself - I would use quotations here
appearing to look in at her with blind white eyes, was the Banshee. - i don't think you need the comma
The only thing I would maybe expand on would be how he felt for his wife when he met her, you talk about this a little but I never really get a feel for why he puts up with her coldness.
A great job weaving legend, characters, greed, and fear all into story!
Audra
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When I looked to your port this was what I was drawn to first since I am a middle school teacher. Your writing portrays perfectly how cruel this age can be and also how sensitive egos are. It also takes it one step further by showing that at this point children are wanting to protect their parents which I have seen time and time again.
This was a beautifully written piece on a sad topic. Thank you for sharing something so raw and real.
You tell a beautiful tragic love story of friendship that exists beyond death.
I appreciate your details of the child abluse without being so graphic to the point of overly offensive. You do well apinting the picture of a family that the world sees as wonderful but behind closed doors is something entirely differnt.
It was her lighthouse--her's and Ricky's - hers doesn't have an apostrophe
He was like the coming of Spring after a long, hard winter. - sprng is lowercase
They'd dream of floating away on the mist, of getting lost in it and emerging in a new world - my favorite line
I would like a little more descriiption about the character - her strength and ideas - i get a sense, but find myself wanting more - but then again that's a good thing.
I love the picture of the lighthouse you paint especially of the 2 of the them together feeling safe and untouchable. We all need a place like this.
A tearjearker of story of what all parents fear. - the loss of a child and/or spouse. I thought you captured the feelings of guilt and loss well.
I liked the different aspects of story telling - from the beginning monolgue to the thoughts, etc.
Donna first met her future husband while a junior in high school - you might want to take "future" out - at first i thought you were talking about another husband
blowing in the breeze on a clothesline on a warm Spring day - spring doesn't need to be capitalized
Jamey's favorite place was a play area of old discarded engineer construction equipment converted for safe use by children - for children instead of by children
I liked the ending, but you might consider ending it like you started it with a monologue piece, it might tie it all in tighter.
What a great job you've done showing a variety of things - the pride of a grandfather, the intuition of a child, the effects of our world, the innocence that we wish stayed in us all.
Through very little description but great dialogue you painted a clear visual picture of the scene. I could see my son sitting on my father's lap being interviewed. The pauses between the questions not feeling rushed letting the child answer in his own time.
He had a common sense borne of innocence. - i love this
This story portrays also the good heart of a child. The insightfulness of what is needed in a family.
I absolutely loved it!!
Thank you.
Then he looked sad, and added.- I don't think the comma is needed.
Now this is my kind of story!! I really liked it. You had me though, I thought for sure Bill was a shape shifter. You did the dialect wonderfully. It made the characters come to life. I can see me reading a sequel to this. Fabulous job.
Maybe a little tightening, but overall I loved it.
I took some notes on some things as I read but this is your baby to raise. They are only my 2 cents.
stepped off the back porch and out into the yard. Looking out over the wide fields of timothy - I'd omit the "out' after looking - having it so close to the other makes it stumble a little.
wouldn’t be able to get the mowing done today at all. - I'd consider deleting "at all" just to tighten it up a little
Sure would be bad to meet another truck here, I thought as I maneuvered around a tight turn. - I'm pretty sure if it's a direct thought it should be in quotations just as if the character is saying it.
The two-story frame building was long and narrow. - I would delete building - i think without it you get more of an old time visual - but that's just me
I’ve wasted the entire day and the hay still isn’t cut- You changed tenses here - you had been speaking in the past tense so I believe it should be "i had wasted
didn’t like the idea of being out here with wild animals prowling around and without a gun. - should this idea not have occurred to him earlier? maybe at least when he heard of the legend?
This is no ordinary wild cat. What is that thing doing anyway? How can Bill stand there so calmly with it licking his face like that? - changed tenses
I tried not to even think about what would have to occur if I were not successful at relaxing, or even maybe if I were - Do you mean "what would occur? - I'm a little unclear.
“What’re you going to do with it?” I asked, nodding toward the carcass and wondering if the legend dictated some special disposal procedure, like burning on a pyre of sassafras wood. - This was my favorite part.
While this ended sad, it was beautifully written and I wouldn't change the ending. Some people may not like it because we seek the happy ending, but life is not always like that.
You incorporated so many aspects into one story: culture, romance, pride, family, honor, despair.
My favorite part:
Soon the spicy smells of their native land wafted from the kitchen and drifted through the house. Jose’s stomach rumbled in response
I give it a 5 because I don't see a way to improve it. Perhaps what does sadden me is if we had heard of Jose's death on the news it would have been laughed at, the circumstances not so clearly told as you have done.
The story contains a well-written plot and cast of characters. The dialogue is cleanly written and easy to follow.
Personally I would like a little more description into what the characters are feeling or thinking. I think it would make it a little more realistic. He was pretty calm about being shot, maybe delve deeper into his curiiousity over the officers questions.
“Look, stupid, you see me driving here! You know it’s against the law to use a cell phone while you’re driving.” - lol i love this line -- i think it is classic considering the circumstances
A few grammar suggestions, but I could be wrong. There are always those exceptions to the rules.
once the driver’s window exploded with a shattering crash and Charles felt a burning, stinging sensation in his upper arm. - i think you need a comma after crash since you are joining 2 complete sentences
Do you know anyone who might want to harm you in any way?” - I think you could delete "in any way" the rest states it clearly enough
He glanced down at his left side, which was almost totally swathed in bandages. - if a sentence ends with an adverb clause, no comma is used. The subordinating conjunction is enough of a separation
Sergeant Brown left Charles’ room - Charles's room (I know it doesn't look right, but it is)
wasn’t going to give out any more information that was absolutely necessary. "than" was absoloutely
cried, “That gotta be him!” - not sure if you mean That for dialect or if it's supposed to be That's - just thought i would point it out in case.
half-block the Lexus’ signal light flashed - Lexus's
I did enjoy this story. It reminded me of why I love Law and Order and that type of show.
Your description is amazing. It flows effortlessly. I wanted to be Allison. What's amazing to me is you don't physically descirbe her, but through your descriptions of her actions I had such a clear picture of her in my mind. You allow the reader a hand in creating.
A couple of idea, but as always this is your baby to raise.
The box looked out of place, wedged in a rocky outcropping amongst the windswept dune grass. -if a sentence ends with an adverb clause, no comma is used. The subordinating conjunction is enough of a separation (However, sometimes I still do it for effect. Personally, I think it's one of those author style things)
Finally, tired and sweaty, she threw herself down on the hot sand and let the sea breeze blow across her, hidden in the field of stalky grass for only the dragon flies to see. - You might but the hidden in the field . .. . section after the hot sand part because at on first read it sounds as if the breeze is hidden.
Her eye was caught again by the odd box stuck precariously but firmly in the rocks like a small boat caught by the falling tide and doomed to wait for the fickle sea to rise again and set it free. - caught is used so closely together twice -- you might consider like a small boat trapped by the falling tied or held or gripped, etc.
surprised to see the handle move slightly. She tried to turn the handle, which moved slightly this time, and as it did, three - I think you could say "which did move this time" - to avoid repetition.
Pachelbel's Canon until - I think songs are supposed to be in " "
Frustrated, Alison considered running back over the dunes to the beach to see if her older brother Tim would help her search for driftwood, but then she remembered that Tim had brought his friend to the beach, and wouldn't want to be bothered. - AI don't really think you need this part in the story. I mean it isn't distracting, but it doesn't add an element and the reader is so focused on Allison, the introdcutrion of another character isn't necessary.
You could have stopped the story with her going to lunch . . . But I'M SO GLAD YOU DIDN'T! I love a twist. I didn't see it coming which is rare.
This line should come with a warning, because I spit coffee all over my computer screen: For that, I count myself luckier than a sharp-eyed midget at a miniskirt convention.
Her lip curled into a sneer as she looked around the cluttered office, and she ignored my hurried attempt to clear off a chair, lit a cigarette and stood there waiting for me to settle down. -- I would delete "and" replace it with a semi-colon - I think it will keep the flow stronger.
Total random note: My favorite professor in college was Lewinski -- hard *ss, but I loved him.
Looking at her long legs and ruby lips, I completely understood dealing with a hard wiki, and wished fervently I would have a chance to put it all in... perspective. --- Maybe it shouldn't be - but I admit this is my favorite line!!!!!!!! I'm laughing my butt off.
Ok, I didn't understand most of the computer lingo but honestly I didn't even care because it didn't interfer with understanding and enjoying the story.
I think people who haven't given you 5 stars must lack in the humor department. I don't like giving them out, but when they are deserved what can I do?
Wow, that sent chills. I love the fact that you shared an everyday occurrence to demonstrate the Power that is there if we listen. So many times we have been spoken to and ignored it as our own imagination. You listened and were blessed, and in turn have blessed us by sharing.
I have a couple of suggestions, but these are just my opinions so please take them with a grain of salt.
s planning on taking the cake to my mother's house, to surprise my sister when she came home - I don't think the comma is needed - if a sentence ends with an adverb clause, no comma is used. The subordinating conjunction is enough of a separation
clothes-line. I had it all worked out - The use of "I" and "had" are a little repettitive in this paragraph. You might try rewording this sentence to something like "Everything was all worked out."
Then when that chore was finished I could frost the cake just in time before anyone came home from work. - I don't think you need the transition "then". Using when that chore was finished explains the chronological order well enough.
Again I thought "It's going to rain." - comma after thought
My favorite part is the ending: That was the first time I knew loud and clear that God was talking to me. ME. It was my sister's birthday, but my surprise.
It was so eloquently put.
I wish people would share more of those moments. I think it would do a lot for the faith of this world.
I think your word choice and phrasiing is brilliant. You have a natural knack for alliteration and rhyme even within prose.
I love this paragraph:
It wasn't until my mind once again began to click click in tune with the tide that her death, her long lost life, affected me.
The only improvement I see is maybe take another look at some of the sentence structure. Vary it within your paragraphs. Some short, some complex sentences, etc.
Grammar alert: my own heart and hallow breathing seemed to still. ( too still)
I love the plot, the twists, and character development. Very well done. The only thing i would even suggest is a little fine tuning of sentence development. Vary your sentence legnths and it will flow a little smoother. Oh yes, and store isle, should be aisle, i believe.
I would just proofread grammatically a little closer; the "to" in the first paragraph should be "too" and in the second paragraph "open" should be past tense when talking about their eyes.
Overall, excellent. Easy to follow. It pulls you in, and makes you think.
Great job!
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