Acme's (acme) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

2,953 Public Reviews Given

3,697 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Honest. I give my overall impressions, let you know what worked well for me and what didn't, and when that happens, I like to try and offer suggestions--totally up to you if you want to take any notice; it is your writing, after all. I am just glad to have the opportunity to read and review. I rarely think anything is perfect, so please do not request a review if you value ratings over review content.

I'm good at...

...being interested. I take time over reviews. My reviews are intimate, informal and honest. They aim to help, offer insight, and celebrate the graft of craft. I love commas. Punctuation is a personal passion.

Favorite Genres

Comedy, supernatural horror, sci-if, fantasy, thriller, detective, slice-of-life, history.

Least Favorite Genres

Dystopian glumness, romance, personal.

Favorite Item Types

Scripts. Fiction. Essays, especially academic

Least Favorite Item Types

Free form poetry. Other than that, little offends.

I will not review...

Unless previously agreed, novels and chapters are a no go with me. I am sorry to say that I haven't the time.

326

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#2906973

Review of The Awkward Age

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (2.5)

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AN ACME REVIEW

This review is part of an initiative to spread positivity through reviewing. While it may not be a technical edit, my thoughts here are honest, and I hope you find them helpful and encouraging

For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Thanks for the opportunity to read your script. I'm afraid I only got midway through Scene II, because I was distracted by the formatting and stage direction. With a little time spent editing, your characters and dialogue will come to life on the page

I think it will be worth any effort you put into doing so. I realise that formatting can be hard on WDC, but links like the Drama Newsletter and how to use Writing.ML can all be accessed via the Navigation Pane to the left of your screen

It helps to establish your characters if you write a cast list with brief description. The first few scenes are flashbacks to Zach's earlier life, but we don't know how old he is at the outset.

Due to some content (alcohol, mild sex references, language etc), you should set the rating at 13+ instead of E. Don't worry, doing so won't diminish your readership, but will mean that readers are not unnecessarily offended.

Zach, now wearing a white suit, is slow dancing with a girl on the dance floor. There are other couples also dancing. Another young man, Cameron, comes up near them,

Actors greedily hunt the script for themselves... and the technical people, like Script Editors like to see certain familiar things, such as CAPITALISATION of character names, even in scene setting.

Also, make sure you clearly distinguish between dialogue and direction:
ZACH
I’m serious.

At this moment a dancing couple bumps into the back of Cameron causing him to lurch forward, spilling his champagne on the crotch area of Zach’s white pants. The stain is very incriminating.

Oh man. Bloody hell.
eg,

ZACH
I’m serious.

[At this moment a dancing couple bumps into the back of Cameron causing him to lurch forward, spilling his champagne on the crotch area of Zach’s white pants. The stain is very incriminating.]

Oh man. Bloody hell.

Proof read for punctuation, eg:

ZACH
Listen[,] moneybags, it’s possible. You’re not above the rules.

CAMERON
Well[,] that’s how they do it in restaurants. Anyway, I thought you were paying…

ZACH
Oh ye of little faith.

They both laugh.

No really. I know everything there is to know about Christianity. It’s a divine gift.

Cameron looks dubious.

You still don’t believe me? I just don’t have the faith to make it useful.

Cameron is still dubious but says nothing.

You’ll see.

They pull up and park on the street. We see a FOR LEASE sign through the car window.
I really got a little lost here. Try letting the dialogue speak for itself and cut out as much, if not all narrative. I realise you're trying to create shots, but you're in danger of writing a short story instead of a script. There is a fabulous weekly contest on WDC called The Dialogue 500 which is a great way to practice moving plot and story on through speech alone. Click on billwilcox's blue case and you should find it easily

Thank you for sharing. Write on and take care!

327

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#2906791

Review of Our Great Well of Empty Wishes

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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AN ACME REVIEW

This review is part of an initiative to spread positivity through reviewing. While it may not be a technical edit, my thoughts here are honest, and I hope you find them helpful and encouraging

For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Hi there

I saw this item highlighted in the Rainbow Room Newsletter.

You set a beautiful tone and pace as you built the scene, characters and plot. I particularly enjoyed this thought-provoking part:

Suffering is caused by ignorance, and want.
No.
Suffering is caused by silence, kept secret by lies.

palm against the tight[,] aged grain of stained oak.

Use commas to separate items in a list.

On WDC, many readers read from their computer screens, so it is helpful to pop a double return in between your paragraphs -- doing so means it's easier to keep/find your place when scrolling

I did notice a number of instances where you began a sentence with the word, 'but'. While it is okay to brake grammatical rules every now and then, and for effect, try to avoid doing it to often, or it becomes the rule, and not the exception.

They drifted together in moonlight, listening to the trees[,] just past the deck's railing[,] weaving slowly in a warm breeze.

Proof read for punctuation. This looks as if the deck's railing is weaving slowly. Commas can make a big difference in delivery.

Thank you for sharing. Write on and take care!

328

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#2906159

Review of Thoughts of a First Grader

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

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AN ACME REVIEW

This review is part of an initiative to spread positivity through reviewing. While it may not be a technical edit, my thoughts here are honest, and I hope you find them helpful and encouraging

For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

A humourous look at a life through a first grader's eyes, but it could use further editing to show it to its best advantage

The hilarious musings of a first grader about his first day at school.

The only thing to be careful of in a brief description for a comedy item, is telling the reader that they will be amused, because you can bet your red nose that the reader then mentally folds their arms across their chest and says, 'prove it.' Instead, I suggest you make your brief description reflect the content, make sure you have 'comedy' as a genre choice and let the reader make their own mind up as to whether it's hilarious or not

I realise that economy of words is something we learn when editing, but don't sacrifice them for meaning:

When we first got to that infamous place called school, my mom had to drag me out [of] the car [and] into the classroom.

Actually, she just walked out on her only son, slightly chuckly as she left.

If you notice a lot of 'ly's in your writing, chances are you don't need them:

Actually, she just walked out on her only son, with a slight chuckle as she left.

The door slamming made the whole class give her their undivided attention (including the sleeping ones.)

You still need to close the sentence with end line punctuation, so pop the period outside the parentheses.

There are a lot of tense shifts in this item, which are distracting. If you are telling the story in past tense (walked, opened etc), don't shift suddenly to the present tense, (walking, opening etc).

Thank you for sharing. Write on and take care!

329

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#2903099

Review of Red Riding Hood Rides Again.

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Love the brief description, Jyo

Thanks for entering Day 7 of the Freestyle Challenge -- you will receive a well earned Merit Badge

This is a lovely story which I found myself nodding to, because I have a little girl who stubbornly asks for stories which thrill her and frighten her at the same time!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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330

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#2902753

Review of The After Dark Dance

Review by Acme

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Arakun, I love this! Vivid imagery, fairies, beautiful tone, fairies, pace, fairies, rhyme, rhythm, assonance, fairies, metaphor, simile... I could go on! Super little poem

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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331

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#2902364

Review of Jimmy, do you remember?

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Thank you for entering Day 6 of the Freestyle Challenge

This creepy, unsettling tale really caught my imagination! You did just the right amount of foreshadowing to spook me when the payoff came

You should run a spell check, and there are a couple of punctuation issues to fix, but the bare bones of this story are good

as competwnt hands tended to

competent

I ran a finger under my collar and decide to undo the top two buttons as well, it was getting unbearably hot

Comma after 'buttons' and period after 'well'.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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332

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#2901278

Review of Secrets in the Leaves

Review by Acme

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Thanks for entering Day 5 of the Freestyle Challenge, Jyo

this is a fresh and original take on the prompt. I particularly liked the way you took a phrase normally associated with the living who seek contact with the spirit world, and turned it to the spirit world asking the question of the living

Lovely, creepy, little poem.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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333

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#2900179

Review of Grim Fairy Tale

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Thank you for entering Day 4 of the Freestyle Challenge

It's so refreshing to see scripts two days running and this one took familiar characters from a modern fairy tale and gave me a giggle

I like the new spin to an old campfire scare story and I hope you write some more scripts, Jyo, because your dialogue is good. My only suggestion for future ones is to remember that narrative doesn't really exist in script land. You can set a scene, and give actors a hint on how to deliver a line, but you can't show thought (unless you do a flashback scene...)

(Opens a large book and grins an evil grin behind its cover. Determines to scare the wits out of Donkey. If he has any, he thinks to himself. I'll give him a grim fairy tale)

and,

Prince: (making a quick dive for the spotted handkerchief as more courtiers rush in.) Mother! Mother I did not look for this today (Thinks: I really didn’t, I thought the old bat would outlive me)

you would understand your own limitations as [a] thinker

Her Majesty were to ...Y’’kow what I mean?

Y'know?

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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334

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#2899991

Review of WAITING FOR LEFTY

Review by Acme

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

AN ACME REVIEW

General Impressions, thoughts and suggestions

I had a poke about it many folders in your portfolio, but it was this one that caught my attention. Maybe it was that lovely quote about the past that your folder dons, but I opened this item and was sucked into your narrative straight away. The tone and pace were enjoyable and created an intimacy in the retelling of Billy and his ball games. I particularly liked:

there were only two unwritten rules: Billy wins, and the game ends when Billy hits the ball where it can't be retrieved.

I knew someone like this in my childhood too!
Reading this made me wonder why you don't blog? With the 'rant' folder, and reflective items like this, it might be something you should consider.

reason I was
left-handed. I couldn’t

spacing typo (unnecessary return)

Thank you for sharing. Write on and take care!
This has been a Mod review!
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#2899981

Review of The Last Snowflake

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

AN ACME REVIEW

General Impressions, thoughts and suggestions

I don't know whether it's because I'm starting to feel the cold nights drawing in, but the title and brief description captured my mood

There is some beautiful imagery here. I particularly enjoyed the reflection of the snowflake through the seasons and petals.

Only one word choice seemed a little unusual for me:

Landing with a gentle plop, she settled on a soft pink flower petal.

My first thought was nothing that gentle plops. How about 'sigh', or 'grace', or something else a little lighter?

Thank you for sharing. Write on and take care!
This has been a Mod review!
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336

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#2899395

Review of After Dark - Comes Light.

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Thanks for entering Day 2 of the Freestyle challenge

I've sat here for sometime, before managing to type this review. I'm stunned. This piece of writing is so emotionally charged and captured my imagination. There is some beautifully vivid imagery, tempered with a quiet, yet powerful, pace and tone. I loved it. I particularly enjoyed your summary and the idea of living one night at a time. Well written, Jyo

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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337

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#2898578

Review of Spellbound

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Thanks for entering Day 1 of the Freestyle Challenge, Jyo

Short, but you captured that exciting essence of hallowe'en. Limericks are a favourite read for comedy items and I liked the use of seasonal 'leaf' writing.ML, although one of your codes seems incorrect. Also liked the idea of a gaggle of goblins

The last line might need editing, as it isn't quite as strong as the others:

They are by the Halloween-spell bound

I think it is the use of 'the'... not sure... I leave that one up to you!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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338

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#2897906

Review of The Bogeyman's Here!

Review by Acme

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Whoo-hoo! You made it

Thanks for your final entry in the 7 Day Poetry Challenge, WW

This really had me going, and I loved the outcome. I thought using coloured text to highlight the different 'voices' worked really well and loved that final stanza

Couple of typos:

where ever you are

wherever

Hey there little boy, You didn't go far

no need for capitalisation of 'you'

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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339

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#2897901

Review of Fear of Decision

Review by Acme

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Wow, Audra

This poem really struck a chord with me. Fear comes in all many shapes an sizes, but making key, life decisions has to be one of the scariest kinds. This is the real unknown, and while it's fine for cliche to suggest that the only regrets a person should have are the things that they don't do, would be to undermine this critical cross-road in a person's life. I suppose it's the last bit of growing up we have to do. I found your poem moving, stunning (both visually and in content) and superbly written. Thank you for the opportunity to read it

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2897864

Review of Not Blood Red, Cerise.

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
What a treat, Jyo

I love the way that even your satellite characters have depth to them. This is a lovely tale, and I'm left with the same opinion as your narrator: is that child Comedy or Horror... or both

!

Just a couple of typos:

Lovely strong opening, Jyo. Loved the personification, but think that afternoon is best left un-hyphenated.

Meg would only shake her head and say, “wait and see. She’s different”

Capitalise 'wait'

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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341

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#2897099

Review of Voodoo Madness

Review by Acme

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Thanks for entering Day 6 of the 7 Day Challenge

I have goosebumps! You really got that voodoo vibe going in this poem, Audra. I loved it, even if you did scare the pants off me

I think what added to the pace and tone, was the way you used the whole poem as a kind of spell. The fervor behind your words increased as it went on (repetition was a good tool here). Well written

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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342

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#2897068

Review of Hilly Chile or Voo-Doo Willy

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Thanks for entering Day 6 in the 7 Day poetry Challenge

As soon as the sewage hit the first line, I knew I was in for a silly treat. I love a bit of daftness, and being British means I had to pass exams in toilet humour. With that in mind, trust me when I say I snickered. Loved the last line: good punchline, internal rhyme and rhythm

The only thing holding me back from a perfect rating is that some of the lines didn't read quite as smoothly and threw me off the rhythm, eg, last line in second stanza.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2896359

Review of Voodoo Hangover

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Thanks for your Day 6 entry in the 7 day poetry challenge. You weren't kidding about a new surge of energy, were you

? This creepy write gave me voodoo chills! I loved the way you made that green-eyed monster, jealousy, have a starring role, and particularly enjoyed this goosebumped stanza:

He loves me! He loves me not!
A vicious jab, he writhes in pain
Never shall I be thus forgot
Be this wish foolish or vain.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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344

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#2896317

Review of Knight Pumpkins Brigade

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Wow! You weren't kidding when you said inspiration had struck you

Thanks for entering Day 5 of the 7 Day Poetry Challenge, Jyo. I loved this poem. I really thought you were going to take me darker and darker, but that pivotal 3rd stanza brought a whole new perspective. This is getting printed and read to my child on hallowe'en; she's nearly 6 and will love the imagery and the light triumphing over darkness

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2896032

Review of Fear of the Hunt Ed

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Thanks for your Day 5 entry in the 7 day poetry challenge

Oh, WW, you sure know how to add a twist to the tail tale. I think I shall have to re-nickname you 'twist witch'

I loved this, and thought that pivotal third stanza was very well done. Great imagery and smashing use of the hunted prompt

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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346

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#2896029

Review of Stalking my Destiny

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Thanks for your Day 5 entry in the 7 day poetry challenge

This poem really unsettled me with its strong use of narrative voice. The form never seemed forced; it only enhanced the fab tone and imagery. Brilliant, spooky stuff that used the prompt well

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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347

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#2895415

Review of Night Terrors

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Thanks for the Day 4 entry, Audra

I thought the way you used the entire third stanza to show us the inner turmoil of the narrator was a great device

Just a few places to check for punctuation and these typos:

I run yet I go no where

nowhere

Heart thumps within in chest,

my?

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2895399

Review of Blood on Stone

Review by Acme

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
Once again, your storytelling takes me into the world you create. I enjoyed the perspective you brought through your protagonist's eyes on the event. There are a few technical/structural issues which could be resolved by editing.

What are my favourite parts?
The horror of what your protagonist witnesses changes here forever. I loved the way you used it as a catalyst from child to woman

What are my suggestions?

Elspeth glanced up from the [stall of cloth goods fabric stall]

It pays to keep your sentences strong and simple.
and,

Elspeth was as conscious as her father, Sir John, or Editha that she was approaching the age of marriage and that she had to be vigilant in protecting her reputation and person.
Elspeth was as conscious as her father, Sir John, and Editha, that she was approaching the age of marriage. She had to be vigilant in protecting her reputation and person.

So far as Elspeth knew,

= "So, as far as Elspeth knew," or "So far, as Elspeth knew,"

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2895379

Review of Duel Over the Somme

Review by Acme

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
This story is full of vital action scenes and you do a great job of weaving just the right amount of facts into the story-telling. It could use a little attention to structural and punctuation issues to polish it.

What are my favourite parts?
I think that has to be the dialogue. It helped move the story on and add to the characters' development.

What are my suggestions?

It is April 1918 and the war has finally turned against Germany. The end may finally be in sight. After four years of seemingly endless bloodshed there is a guarded sense of hope that is permeating the Royal Flying Corps aerodrome.

While this takes us straight into the action, you shift tense immediately after. This meant a whole new narrative voice was created, and I lost the perspective of the not knowing the outcome from the narrative point of view (The end may finally be in sight.) As this is a short story, jumps in tense and POV can be distracting so I suggest you stick to one tense.

To outsiders, the word aerodrome conjured some very romantic images but in reality it was a small arrangement of ready made squat, steel structures that looked very much like tin cans that had been bisected vertically and then laid on their side with the cut surface down.

Keeping sentences short will help you keep the descriptive narrative punchy, and help cut extraneous words:

To outsiders, the word aerodrome conjured romantic images. In reality it was a small arrangement of ready made squat, steel structures that looked very much like tin cans, bisected vertically, before laid on their side with the cut surface down.

Patrolling the Somme [had become became] increasingly more perilous

instead of modifying a word by placing another in front of it.

“Well[,] now you know why I did not join the darts game this evening.”

“Yes[,] Stuart...

...I am no good to anyone if I can’t fly[,] Stuart.

“That makes two,” he whispered to himself[.] “[tT]here should be three left.”

I suggest you edit for punctuation throughout.

We encountered 5 Germans

five

“Nein English.” The young man replied.

“Well that’s alright. I don’t speak any German so I guess that makes us even.” Lothar laughed again. Harrod took another drink and offered his companion a second helping.

If you put the other person's immediately after dialogue it can get confusing as to the speaker's identity.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2895332

Review of Not for the Faint of Heart

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
WW I do wish you'd stop putting yourself down. This is a fab entry in the day 4 challenge

Get rid of the yada, yadas, in your brief description and this will be perfect; leave them in and prospective readers might find visiting this funny write a little off putting.
Oh, and you're right: the tequila monster has a lot of horror stories

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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