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368 Public Reviews Given
677 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest and critical reviews offered. I look at all components of story-telling: setting, dialogue, characterization, conflict and resolution. I will not generally do a line-by-line edit, though I will point out minor errors. If a piece needs a complete rewrite for grammar and spelling I will tell you so. I do not sugar-coat. I try to be insightful and will offer honest suggestions where I think are necessary.
Favorite Genres
horror, comedy, romance, erotica, drama, emotional
Least Favorite Genres
spiritual or religious
Public Reviews
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Review by jabberwocky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A poem with good flow in a couplet rhyme scheme that works well for the piece. You paint quite the image of an old tree, still standing though no longer living. The whole piece maintains an appropriate nostalgia for the subject matter, I think. I particularly like the first and last stanzas.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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Review of Silent Witness  Open in new Window.
Review by jabberwocky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A story about a very old house that holds a myriad of secrets from over the centuries. The language is is lovely. It has almost a haunting quality to it, which is well-suited to the piece.

There is no dialogue as it was written for a no dialogue contest. Setting is everything here, and it’s very atmospheric.

In the end the house desires to expel its secrets. I wonder if the symptoms of this expulsion are meant to seem like a haunting? Because that’s how I read it.

It was very well-written with only a couple errors I noticed:

It has breathed those secrets in and soaked them up, letting them sink all the way down to it's (its) foundations where they have become somewhat of a murky malevolent mess.

So many of the seas (sea's) depths have yet to be explored. Those secrets are quite safe there.


Overall, a solid piece. I think it could be expanded to include some specific stories about the house perhaps. An example of those adulterous whispers, or bloodshed. I think it would bring it to life even more, make the experiences of the house more vivid.
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Review by jabberwocky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I'm torn about this piece. The first three stanzas I liked. I thought the repetitive phrases you chose to use were effective.

However, the next three stanzas didn't seem to adequately encompass the feeling I think were trying to reveal. Perhaps it was just the word selection, or perhaps the repeating themes of 'my mind, my heart, my soul' just became tired by the forth stanza.

A professor once told me to try and avoid certain words within poetry, and in such, you will avoid the certain tired connotations certain words carry. A couple of these words were "innocent" and "heart". Then again, I read the poem aloud, and still, I like it. I dunno. I don't think it's fantastic, but I definitely think it's better than average work. To be perfectly honest, in rereading it, I'm not sure what suggestions for improvement I could give you. My apologies.

Oh! and the last line doesn't seem in keeping with the rest of the poem for some reason.

All around, a pretty good piece. Write on!

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Review of Take Me There  Open in new Window.
Review by jabberwocky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is actually pretty good. I like the way you've combined opposites and conflicting images and words such as:

"Make me brave and make me quiver"

and

"Make me feel not alone, yet set me free."

These are strong contradictions that give your poem a unique flair. There are also some pretty major cliches though, that I think once you cut them and find more origional words/images/similes to express them, will make the poem more effective. A couple examples of these so you know what I'm talking about:

"Let me feel what it's like to fly"

and

"I hold you close as we ride there, together."

NOt a bad piece of work at all, jsut a little tweaking, some analyzation of certain phrases, and it can be improved. Well done!

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Review of Never Love A Poet  Open in new Window.
Review by jabberwocky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'm curious, is this an actual poetic form? Seems kind of like a less complicated version of the villanelle.

Anyway, I like the purpose of the piece. There is that whole theme of the poet being too intense, as they say of us, (and also too greatly victims of depression, lol), to be tolerable for long in a relationship.

I like the idea of the moon 'witnessing' the path of the relationship. But something about the piece fails to move me. It feels too soft, and I think it's the first lines of the first three stanzas: the couple does this, they do that, etc . . . that isn't effective enough for the piece to emmanate with the poignancy you were going for, I think.

Often when a piece is well-written, as this is, I find it hard to pinpoint exactly what about it doesn't grab me. That's rather the case with this piece. It could be what I mentioned, or something else that's just eluding me. Regardless, it's just my opinion and should be taken with a grain of salt.

Write on!

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Review by jabberwocky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Whoa! Holy Smokes! Is this true? Like really really true, or some kind of good-hearted birthday prank or somethinng that I missed? Are you really the SM's Mom?

Wow, you definitely must be proud! What an interesting couple past years, eh?

Anyway, this is a wonderful tribute to a daughter, and any woman would be lucky to have such delightful things said about her.

There's that double punctuation thing, but I've already mentioned this to you regarding a prior piece. Normally I cringe at colored writing too, but since this seemed to be written more as a birthday card, it's perfectly acceptable.

A lovely thing to do for your daughter!



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Review of Not Me  Open in new Window.
Review by jabberwocky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
All around, I'm sure this was an inspiring speech. You said your experiences have encouraged other women to take their tests regularly, and that is wonderful. It's commendable that you've taken the steps you have to bring your own experiences to the public, as a community service.

As for the writing of this itself, I understand that it's a compilation of journal entries, and I usually make a habit of not correcting journals, because they are so personal. Since this has been compiled into one article, though, here are a couple minor suggestions.

*Bullet*CANCER! CANCER!!

--- Double punctuation is never correct grammar. If you wish to stress a word, pick whichever punctuation mark is appropriate and put the stressed words in italics.

*Bullet*After yet another pap test which they went deeper into the wall of the cervix, I was told I had cervical cancer.

--- The use of the word 'which' here sounds awkward. I suggest changing it to 'where' or rephrasing the sentence.

*Bullet*Dr. Grill tried to reassure me that I was in such an early stage that a D&C should take care of the cancer

--- Now I'm curious, being cervical cancer ignorant, what is a D&C? There are probably a few other people out there who would like to know that too, since you mention it here. 'course, I could be alone in being an uneducated moron, lol.

All around, it's not bad. I'm pretty sure you have other cancer-related pieces in here, so I don't know how important this specific one is to you, especially considering its point was primarily in being a speech. But if you wanted to significantly improve it for a reader, I think you could make it more personal. I can believe the predominant thought going through your head "I have CANCER", yet there must have been more? I think, hard as it may be, really digging deep for those emotions, and stating them eloquently, could turn this from a speech, to a deeply effective article. And hey, in that case, you may even be able to sell it. Let me now if you do rewrite it.

"I'm sorry, I can't plan anything past this day. . ."

--- This is an amazing line, this is exactly the kind raw stuff I'm talking about.

Again let me applaud you for taking your struggle to the public eye!


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Review by jabberwocky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is concise, and there are no errors, grammatical or otherwise. I personally would have liked some more specified information. I like how you made a point to mention HRT drugs, certainly an important concern for a lot women entering menopause. I think the review could be improved with some mention of the author's voice. You did say it was easy to read and understand, but is it a little dry, or is there a sense of humor? Does it seem to speak to just a general audience, or is it more personal, speaking directly to the reader? etc.

You obviously found this book very informative, and it was good of you to share your positive experience with it here at w.com. Thank you!

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Review by jabberwocky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
The sea is not friendly at this port. The damage to ships is plenty and moral even greater. --- morale, I think you mean.

This isn't the best work I've seen from you so far. While it is well-written, it lacks a luster and passion that could be tapped from such a tragic and important event. I think you could turn this into a great story. It's a journal entry, but here is nothing personal in it, just some information on the Armada and suspicions, etc.

But who is the writer? Doesn't he have a family or a wife he would like to write about? Isn't there much he would desperately be missing now that he's on this mission? He expresses doubt over their success, and whether God really is on their side since their 'numbers are dwindling', but thoughts like this are treasonous, and it seems to me this would be cause for great inner turmoil. Turmoil=conflict=awesome story.

I think if you meditate on these questions, you could find answers in them, and learn about your protagonist, therefore creating HIS story, a REAL story . . .

I'd be interested to see where you could go with this. If you do decide to rewrite it, let me know.

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Review by jabberwocky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
LOL! The intention of this was to be funny and satirical, and you succeeded marvelously. Although I don't think anyone ever quite theorized on what exactly was wrong with Humpty Dumpty, besides perhaps being a spaz, this seems like a logical conclusion to come to.

You have a ton of run-on sentences throughout, so I'd recommend reading through and breaking up some of your sentences with periods and/or commas.

The only other thing that I didn't think fit in too well was the explanation for the name change. Seemed kind of silly in the face of the rest of the story which was considerably witty.

I did like the ending thrown in for measure. Fitting for one last jab and giggle. Good work!

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Review of Someone Special  Open in new Window.
Review by jabberwocky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
First, let me commend you on writing a novel. It's a grueling, challenging process, and it takes courage to do, so well done! On with my review.

I like how you thrust the reader right into the action. It isn't the most thrilling hook I've ever read, but it hooked me enough to keep reading. Basically, it was a good idea not to present what killed Diane's husband. It makes the reader question what happened. Already, conflict introduced.

Because you separate the flashback with a multiple line break, and precede it with a sentence saying she's looking back into the past, there is no need for the italics.

The biggest problem I see with the story so far is pacing. You spend too much time describing the physical of your characters, and not enough on what makes them unique: which in this case is not their clothes. Unless what they are wearing is particularly unsual, which is a statement for the character, or unless the clothing is integral to the plot, there's no need to mention it. Plus, with too much physical description, the reader is tempted to skim, and it also interrupts the visual of the character they may creating in their mind, with is intrusive of the author. So try and keep this kind of description to a minimum, it bogs down the story. Better to just cut to the action.

As far as the action is concerned: I like how you've introduced more conflict, between Diane's father and Larry and (perhaps I'm reading too far into it) but the kind of seemingly intrusive little sister.

Also, you introduce some sexual tension between your main characters, but I get the feeling Diane is really inhibited and shy, so her coming forward and longing for the physical contact seems a little out of place. I think you need to get away from her clothes, and into her mind, and show the reader why she feels like overcoming this aspect of herself for Larry. What's her motivation? This could be difficult or not, depending. I get the impression this is at least partially based on your own experiences, which means it could go either way, as far how exhibitionist you're feeling about your own life, lol.

Also, toward the end, what is it that suddenly, after two years of celibacy, has pushed Diane to the point where she decides she's ready for a male connection?

Some technical stuff:

You are missing a quite a few commas, a read-through should help. Particularly where you have quotations there seem to be some forgotten ones.

The use of adverbs: You don't have a lot, but keep in mind, you want to try and avoid these at all costs. They are empty, tellish descriptions. For example:

After setting the flowers on the counter, she introduced him to her parents who immediately threw questions his way.{/i)

---Her parents could have pummled him with questions, beset him with a barrage of questions like gunfire, etc. I know, these are cheesy, but just examples. Or:

He responded smoothly

---I line like this is a perfect opportunity to flex the language muscle and reveal character. Smooth like what? Glass? Smooth like bath oil? etc. and whatever, you get the picture, lol.

*Bullet*Stepping out of the car, Diane begin babbling again about how much I liked the movie

--- whoops! lol. Might wanna change that 'I'

There weren't a lot of errors, and there might have been a couple I missed, because this is the second time I've typed this review (computer spat on me and I lost the first one, lol). All around, it's pretty clean work.

It's a polished first draft, but stilla first draft, so there's obviously work that needs to be done. But all in all, it's definitely above average work. Good job, and good luck!

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Review by jabberwocky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Was glad to find a free verse poem. Then was Glad to crack up, lol. I was thinking it was quite origional to scribble a poem for an ant. I was thinking, 'He must be a true writer, to be affected by such a little thing, (pun intended) and take to the pen." While obviously it wasn't a poem intended to have a huge imapct, and it dind't, but it thoroughly gave me a giggle. Much appreciated!

There were no errors that I saw.

Oh, and I really liked your title. Catchy.


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Review of Four  Open in new Window.
Review by jabberwocky Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
They all led a simple life in harmony, living in rock huts, and existing on game and fruits and berries and roots (and) whatever else they could find.

or you could reformulate this sentence to read as:

They all led a simple life in harmony; living in rock huts and existing on game, fruits, berries, roots and whatever else they could find.

What could Four possibly know about hunting and medicine making that the Great Village had not already discovered for themselves? --- medicine-making

The Villagers numbers dwindled --- The Villagers' numbers

The immediately killed --- They immediately

------------------------------------------------------

this is fantastic! I love the twisted little moral regarding appreciation, prejudice and getting one's just desserts! It was interesting from beginning to end, but with the last paragraph- I literally howled with laughter! This was superbly funny, you have a wicked sense of humor!
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