\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cinnamonfringe
Review Requests: OFF
1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
Review of Adventure Stories  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Happy WDC Anniversary! *Smile* I like to give happy little reviews of folders and contests and whatnot for anniversaries. Review #2... I saw another naked folder.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

Who better to review an adventure folder than one of the editors for the Action/Adventure newsletter, huh? *Laugh* I've definitely seem my share of adventure stories on here while combing through for Editor's Picks. It's not a super common genre, surprisingly. So I was pleasantly surprised to see a whole folder of it in your port. *Heart*

*Buttonb**Buttono* Happy Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. *Buttono**Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Happy WDC Anniversary! *Smile* I like to give happy little reviews of folders and contests and whatnot for anniversaries. #3... and this is the last one that's in your main port. So that's all from me today. Love you, lady!

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

I think it's cool when people write a series of stories about a character. I'd never ever done it until yesterday. I had one story, outlined a second story years later (that I didn't write)... then wrote a little story that will connect the two. Maybe I'll get around to it, huh?

*Buttonb**Buttono* Happy Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. *Buttono**Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Happy WDC Anniversary! *Smile* I like to give happy little reviews of folders and contests and whatnot for anniversaries. And you apparently have several naked folders. So... review #2 for you!

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

10 days of poetry. 9 items. Even if you didn't finish the activity, you got to write some creative stuff that people clearly enjoyed reading. And maybe you even did finish it... you've got a ribbon after all. Either way, a nice effort I think!

*Buttonb**Buttono* Happy Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. *Buttono**Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review of Salmagundi  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Happy WDC Anniversary! *Smile* I like to give happy little reviews of folders and contests and whatnot for anniversaries. So like... 6 I think.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

Woah... so now a work of short fiction. Looks like people enjoyed it too. I've never entered an official WDC contest as yet (though I did write a piece for this month's contest and may just get around to entering it). I've judged many... but never entered. I might have to come back and read this one... you caught my attention with horror, emotional, psychology. Yaaas! When I do write fiction, it tends to be that same type. It's my favorite to read as well.

*Buttonb**Buttono* Happy Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. *Buttono**Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Happy WDC Anniversary! *Smile* I like to give happy little reviews of folders and contests and whatnot for anniversaries. #5(?).. maybe.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

Woah! Stories! *Shock* From the look of them, they're pretty LONG stories too. That's pretty amazing. I'm rubbish at writing stories... much better with scenes and vignettes and microfiction. Short short forms. Poets who can write long stories are sorta mesmerizing to me... whether they're nonfiction or not. I do occasionally write a super long blog post, telling a story... but I don't go back and revise or polish them up. So way to go, love. Also, love the phrase "pretty up the truth"... pretty good description for some creative nonfiction.

*Buttonb**Buttono* Happy Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. *Buttono**Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Happy WDC Anniversary! *Smile* I like to give happy little reviews of folders and contests and whatnot for anniversaries. So review number... ummm... #4? I got distracted for a minute and lost track. No matter.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

A folder of folders... I might just come back and review those too. I'm trying NOT to click on every single thing that catches my eye, but you're definitely good at catching my eye. *Laugh* Here, it wasn't even an interesting turn of phrase... it was "and the livin' is easy". *Wink* Love that song... love all the updates rap/hip hop/etc interpretations of that song. So good. But I digress. *Laugh* To be honest, it doesn't look like these really need subcategories with just 2-3 in each, but I guess it would help a reader looking to catch a certain vibe. Summer vs Harvest? Totally different tones usually. So I get it.

*Buttonb**Buttono* Happy Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. *Buttono**Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Happy WDC Anniversary! *Smile* I like to give happy little reviews of folders and contests and whatnot for anniversaries. So here is review #3.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

Three folders, three stuffed with poetry. Definitely sensing a pattern here. *Laugh* I had to read "Allergic Crease" as well. It's an evocative title. I nearly had to read "Milks and Oils" too. Love your titles. And you write really well. I'm wondering if you might not like "Pursue the Horizon - Open for Signups" Open in new Window.. You seem like someone who actually READS poetry (not a given for everyone who writes it... though it should be, in my view).

*Buttonb**Buttono* Happy Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. *Buttono**Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
Review of Poesy Pie  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Happy WDC Anniversary! *Smile* I like to give happy little reviews of folders and contests and whatnot for anniversaries. So here is review #2 today!

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

I love the name of this folder. Poetic. The description is great too. And it's full of poetry, which given the title and description, seems obvious. This is the 2nd folder that is packed with old poetry though. I see you still login here... so I'm gonna have to see if you're still actively writing poetry. I'd like to see what you're up to now, basically.

*Buttonb**Buttono* Happy Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. *Buttono**Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Happy WDC Anniversary! *Smile* I like to give happy little reviews of folders and contests and whatnot for anniversaries. I stumbled across your port and saw a whole bunch of naked, starless folders... so I decided to review them all. *Laugh*

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

I don't always, but I did give one of these a read. Can't pass by a title like "fat girl" without pause. Glancing through, I see lots of women's genre too. Love it. I'll have to come back and poke through them all some time.

*Buttonb**Buttono* Happy Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window. *Buttono**Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
10
10
Review of Poetry  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey, Lilliy! Trying to get a couple reviews together over here and ran into your port again. You've made some folders since I was here... lookit you, getting all organized! *Laugh*

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

I like to do folder reviews now and then... otherwise, they tend to sit there, all naked and starless for a really long time. It's also nice to write an occasional review that isn't all long and whatnot. You've received a real review from me... you know what I'm talking about. Folders are about the effort of what's inside. An easy 5 stars! Look forward to seeing it all filled up.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Buttono* *Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
11
11
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Buttonb* *Buttono* What Caught My Eye

I like to review newbies, and I love poetry... so I decided to give this piece a look. I'm pretty glad that I did... this is cute.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Favorite Aspects

This sounds like it came from Oh,the Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss. If that's what you were going for, you hit it. If you've never read it... well, it's basically this poem but super long and probably more polished than any other Seuss book I've read. Adults love that one too... it's a common graduation present and whatnot.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

I'd have stopped reading at the "surpass/grounds" lines because you lost your rhyme. Like I said, this is Seussian... gotta have that rhyme. When it dropped off, you lost me.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Language / Word Choice

This does seem to use family-style language. A child could understand it, which is helpful. There are some pretty big hiccups near the end.

1. You will surpass WHAT? Doesn't say, and there is nothing surpassable near enough the line to guess really.

2. The "happy to live on these grounds" line doesn't relate to anything else in the poem at all. It seems totally random. First, it's not even telling the reader to do it. "Be happy to live on these grounds" would fit the poem better. But even then... you'd be better off axing this line and replacing it with one that says what will be surpassed and that rhymes with "surpassed".

"all obstacles for you will pass"
"because the obstacles you face won't last"

Something. If you want, you can go ahead and use of of those... or you can go with whatever you want. The keys really are for it to relate to what is surpassed from the previous line and fitting the rhyme scheme you created.

3. The last line doesn't make any sense to me in context. Like... what? Not the best way to end it.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

I think it's safe to say that this ran out of steam. The beginning was pretty tight... then it just fell apart completely for me. If you change anything, change those two lines (grounds/colder). It will help lots. The only other thing I've got is that this doesn't feel unique to me... it sounds like that book mentioned previously... but not as cohesive. That said, the flow is pretty nice and the message is a positive one. No complaints about that part. This reads as a first draft, which is reflected in my rating... but it has real promise. Good luck with it! *Heart*

*Buttonb* *Buttono* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Buttono* *Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
12
12
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Buttonb* *Buttono* What Caught My Eye

To be honest, the image caught my attention more than anything else. THEN the title/description got me to click. I like to read and review newbies and poetry, so here we go.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Favorite Aspects

I like the "you smoke my love like weed" line. It's a cute spin on the typical "my love is a drug" theme.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

The title and description did NOT prepare me at all for the cutesy rhyming first stanza... or the "tear"... why? Why are you crying there? Nothing in the poem supports that as an opening line. It also sets up a rhyme scheme that isn't in the poem. If you're going to use end line rhyme, it's most effective to choose a rhyme scheme and stick with it. You've got:

aaaa bcbc ddee

That's not a pattern. The reader has no idea at all what to expect when reading, which makes the rhyme ineffective and distracting. Simple fix: Choose a scheme and go with it:

aaaa bbbb cccc
abab cdcd efef
aabb ccdd eeff

That is what it would be if you were consistent with any one of the rhyme schemes for each stanza.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Language / Word Choice

There are some moments that shine and some moments that umm.. make no sense to me. "Wild drive"? That would work if you had been in a car or on a road trip throughout. As it is, the end is confusing.

The repetition of "wild" feels forced too. Nothing in this seemed wild to me at all... seems like a Tuesday. *Laugh* Some weed and beer... with the person you love. Cool... sounds mellow to me. If you want this to seem wild, maybe speeding down the highway for the thrill... while drinking and smoking and being wild... that image would work much better.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Flow / Rhythm

The flow is pretty decent here. A few minor hiccups for me, but overall, it's tight. Not something it seems like you're gonna struggle with much.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Imagery

I could have used some imagery... some metaphor... some figurative language. This is all sorta... matter-of-fact statements.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Originality

Nothing seems super original here. Like... I think the originality will come from making it personal. One moment in time that was unique to these two people. Because I gotta tell you... this sounds like me and my friends and like... anyone at all could have written this same thing.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

Overall, I think this is a good start. It isn't super emotive or specific enough to feel like something I've not read before... but it was a fun enough little read. It's definitely a first draft, which is why my rating is what it is. Good luck with future drafts/poems!

*Buttonb* *Buttono* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Buttono* *Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
13
13
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (1.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

*Buttonb* *Buttono* What Caught My Eye

I like to review newbies, and you're a newbie. So I decided to give it a look.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Favorite Aspects

I like the... sort of awareness that the narrator has that this is a dream.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Beginning & End
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

I wouldn't have kept reading after the first sentence if I wasn't planning to review it. It's little things like... the lack of italics/quotes for internal dialogue... the misspelling of "glaring"... the extra words that aren't needed (like "a glaring and a glorifying" instead of "a glaring and glorifying"-- I like the phrasing on it though, by the way).

I'm guessing English isn't your first language? I've edited papers written by multiple people, none of whom spoke the same native language... I tend to recognize the signs. You have some here. "with a terrifying blazes" rather than "in a terrifying blaze", for instance... it's nuanced language. You'll pick it up if you keep after it.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Plot

It's cute... a daydream of power and grandeur leading to almost a whimsical delusion that it will come true, as the guy leaves for his real life job. It's nice.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Character(s)

The narrator could be personified a bit more to make the reader relate to him, but it's a good start.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Language

The awe/terror/glaring negative view mixed with positive is a bit odd. I sorta like it anyway though, since it's so unusual. I'd take another look at it anyway.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Setting

Setting would have helped. The setting for the daydream AND the setting for the real world. Both would have helped a whole lot.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Dialogue

The dialogue (even to himself) is super stilted and doesn't feel like a natural thing to say. It makes for an amusing read though.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

Overall, I think this is a cute little rough draft that needs some work to be really functional. I found some good in it, but it was hard to read. That's why my rating is what it is. Good luck with any revisions! *Heart*

*Buttonb**Buttono* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Buttono**Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
14
14
Review of The Waiting  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Buttonb* *Buttono* What Caught My Eye

The title could have gone either way for me. But I saw that it came from a writing journal and thought it might actually be a 2nd draft... always nice to see. I don't think this actually is one though. *Laugh*

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Favorite Aspects

This reads as an automated writing. I haven't read one in a while... it brought back memories of my high school creative writing class. Automated writings were required in that course. After I polished them up, a few even became interesting poems and stories.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

I'd probably have stopped reading this after the first line, if I was reading for fun. Why? Waiting is like time standing still? Ummm... that's so obvious as to feel almost like a facepalm line. When you wait, you stand still... you're spending time standing still... so time is standing still. It made me feel like this was going to be full of ideas that weren't really deep but wanted to be or something.

You have much better lines in here than that, by the way. It just wasn't a great hook for me.

Continuing on... sometimes WHAT happens? Waiting? Well, clearly.

"Hell freezing over" is a phrase used to describe something that will never ever happen. Like, I'll be elected president of mars "when hell freezes over"... so using that literally means the opposite of everything you said before it.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Language / Word Choice

This entire piece suffers from lapses like the ones mentioned already. It also has a fair bit of filler wording:

"Or is it that I'm waiting for just a little hint of truth, instead of hidden lies?..."

First, OhEmGee with the ellipses! You're even using them even AFTER proper punctuation? *Shock* There are SIXTY-EIGHT of them in here. That's 204 periods in a really short piece. Just saying.

Second, this is full of those filler words... thats and justs and whatnot. Simplified:

"Or am I waiting for a hint of truth hidden in lies"

Everything is still in there... it's just concise. Generally, concise language is easier to read and comprehend for the reader.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Flow / Rhythm

The flow is... all over the place. This happens sometimes with super long lines mixed with short. It can be done, but it's difficult to master. Cutting out some of those filler words would help to tighten it up and make the flow smoother too.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Imagery

There isn't much... but I like what's there. A turtle foot race *Heart*. There are nice moments in here to be sure.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

I'll go ahead and leave this here. This piece has some issues... and all of them seem to stem from the nature of this piece: it's a first draft, automated writing. It reads like one. Nothing wrong with that... there are bits in here that could be transformed into pure gold. They're buried in stray thoughts and filler and repetition right at the moment. Again, it's to be expected for this type of piece. I have a whole slew of these too... no shame in it, and it's a great way to get the juices flowing.

You've actually inspired me to create a book for automatic writings on here. It's such a helpful exercise that I haven't done in SO long. So thank you for that. If you pull anything from this and/or rework it, I'd love to see. Cheers!

*Buttonb* *Buttono* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Buttono* *Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
15
15
Review of Circus  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Buttonb* *Buttono* What Caught My Eye

I do love creepy old circus stuff. And this felt like it would be that, given the description. I was thinking like... horror movie.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Favorite Aspects

I love that you took it dark. *Laugh* Definitely the best part.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

The hook works in a way but could be better. It sets up the creepy tone... good. A few things to improve it:

"music fills the night" - simplify and make it active
creepy - show us the creepy or describe it in a creepy way instead?

I would make the child's laugh the music. Circus music "like a child's tinny laugh" something about the unsteadiness of it... and the hollow metal sound. It's those types of things that would make this piece stand out.

Why is the child's laugh filled with "blight"..? And to be honest, pretty sure that word choice doesn't work in context at all. It just reads weird and forced for the rhyme. Also... same as the first line... "pierces" to make it active and a complete statement.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Language / Word Choice

This is so short, and it STILL has unneeded junk in it. "teeth ear to ear" is a strong image. "smiling faces" is boring AND unnecessary, since teeth ear to ear is obviously a sinister smile. Use every bit of space for effect...

You can't smear a grin. Sorry. *Laugh* Why not make it a circus image? "painted grins their fingers smear". Like a clown, yeah?

I think two lines both of which just have an image of smiles is a bit weak too. Again, use the space wisely.


"We'd really love it if you'd go"

You'd go to come? Not great. It feels like you just lost steam at the end and wrote some obvious, dull stuff to wrap it up. Give us an image for that too... the tamer welcomes you to the lion's jaws... or the clown outstretches polka dots to welcome... or... something. Anything more interesting, less repetitive, and more effective that the last 4 lines.

This also feels like the rhyme isn't needed to me. It feels like it's getting in the way, but I understand that not everyone feels comfortable with free verse.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

Alright, I see promise in here. I really do. You have some interesting word choice in the first stanza. This is very obviously a first draft... that's reflected in my rating. No worries... I have worse poems than this in my portfolio. *Laugh* I think I'll be back to see what you've got in your portfolio... if you don't want more reviews though, do let me know. Not everyone wants critiques like this. Cheers!

*Buttonb* *Buttono* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Buttono* *Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
16
16
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Buttonb* *Buttono* What Caught My Eye

I love colors... and I was also wondering if perhaps this was an actual dance from another culture, which is always nice to read about.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Favorite Aspects

There is a bit of imagery in here, which is nice and to be expected. No vibrant colors though... which is odd. Like, you have the sky and a forest and whatnot, but no colors are mentioned. You mention the sky/skies several times without any hint of color, and the sky changes colors like crazy. Maybe a wasted opportunity.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

I definitely would have stopped reading after the first line if I was reading for pleasure. That is super conversational and bulky in language. Any poem that starts with the same line as the bible for no apparent reason also sets off alarms (I glanced through the rest immediately to see if this was actually religious... doesn't seem to be). The spark between lost minds... like two people walking toward the light of the other... that could have been a really nice starting point, but you drop it completely and don't complete the image.

At any rate, those first two lines could be VERY condensed. The second line doesn't seem to actually have anything to do with the first. I guess in short, it didn't work for me as a reader.

"It started with two sparks between lost minds
and hour by hour became as wind in summer times"

Literally the same thing you wrote, condensed and clearer. But again, the third line drops this thought completely. What happened to the image of those sparks... HOW was is as wind in summer? Complete the thought, yanno? It's a good one I think...

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Language / Word Choice

There is a fair bit of repetition in here. Both in thought/description and word choice. Some of the repetition seems particularly ineffective... like "It has got dark without any lighten mark":

Dark means... no light. So, obviously there wouldn't be a "lighten mark"?
"has gotten" would be proper grammar.
The repetition of "lighten mark" seems random and unnecessary as well.

And the rhyme here drove me crazy. End of line rhymes are most effective if there is a pattern... a rhyme scheme. A purposeful pattern that you adopt and stick with. Otherwise, you set the reader up for rhymes that don't come... so they're forced to reread to see if they missed something or are just left disappointed. The dark/mark rhyme seems to be the reason why the whole statement exists... and the rhyme is distracting, while the phrase is sort of a "duh" moment. Not super effective there.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Imagery

There is some imagery here... but there could be so much more if you included the colors. And honestly, instead of using the words "light/dark"... maybe used two shades of a color. Robin's egg and navy. Red and pink. Lavender and eggplant. I mean... look how much more interesting those words are than just "dark" and "light". Once you have color combos in your head, images will come to you much easier.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

I'll leave you with that. Hopefully, you won't get disheartened... we all start somewhere. This is also very clearly a first draft. We all have first drafts that could be much better. It's the nature of a draft. *Peace* Good luck with any revisions you decide to do! *Heart*

*Buttonb* *Buttono* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Buttono* *Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
17
17
Review of Hug  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Buttonb* *Buttono* What Caught My Eye

Love LGBTQ+ work... but I don't like romance. I took a chance. *Laugh* Mostly, I decided to give it a go because it's Prose. This is definitely prose... not sure why you chose to line break it this way... each sentence needs it's own line? *Think* Could be more effective with different breaks in my view, particularly with you have runs of short, choppy sentences one after another. Personal preference, I suppose.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Favorite Aspects

You have some nice word choice/language going on in here. The curve of buildings, for instance, brings with it a feeling of looming, dread, and being closed in. So simple, but quite effective.

Buildings swirl into a tube of judgement... also really good. I'd probably cut the "each other in" because it's implied. Sure sure, it's poetry-style pruning... but to be honest, I think every story should be line edited in similar fashion. Precise language is effective language. *Thumbsupl*

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Beginning & End
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The first two lines didn't grab me at all... neither did 3 and 4, to be honest. The buildings curving was the first thing that struck me as unique or interesting.

Sure, the opening lines set up what's about to come. BUT-- you can do that in way less space and fewer words.

"We clasp hands and pant, cold air burning clear down to our lungs.
Our legs scream at the pavement."

Yeah, yeah... more poetic than prose in some ways. But it sets up:

1. pavement/asphalt/street-- hints at the setting.
2. holding hands
3. the cold
4. legs hurt from running

In 19 words vs 29. Plus, I think legs actually screaming takes it from a cliche into a more interesting use of figurative language. You know? This is what drafts are for... take something good or adequate and make it SING. You don't need to do what I did (you're welcome to it though if you dig it)... but something more tightly written could get to the meaty part much faster.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Language

As I said before... your language usage is really nice. The flow of the words is better than lots of poetry I've read on here too. Take the windows echoing "wrong wrong wrong"... it's pleasant to the ear and breaks up the monotony of the heavier lines before it. It calls attention to the meaning. I'd remove the capitals myself, but they do an alright job of visually intensifying each one. Another personal taste type of thing.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

I'll go ahead and stop there. This is a good piece. I actually like the message and content of it, but I never really review with that in mind. I'm more about the effectiveness of what's on the page. This is effective. It could be MORE effective with some pruning and maybe a little restructuring. Love the imagery too, by the way... another aspect done better than lots of poetry I've read here. The others missing eyes and limbs... very effective. So overall, this is a solid "good" from me... 4 stars.

*Buttonb**Buttono* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Buttono**Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
18
18
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Buttonb* *Buttono* What Caught My Eye

It's an evocative sort of title. I assumed it would be poetry, actually. Until I saw the description anyway... that clearly points toward a story.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Favorite Aspects

This is a conversation people have with their kids... I mean... question after question after question. *Laugh*

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Beginning & End
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The generic use of "little girl" and "mother" didn't thrill me, to be honest. And it actually was a good indicator of my main issue with this story: It lacks in detail. It is almost entirely dialogue only, and while I'm not one of those people who thinks one is better or needed than the other... nor am I strictly pro-balance in dialogue vs description, this was way heavy on dialogue. I couldn't picture anything.

Why is that a problem? It just feels a bit... blank. There is no indication of how the little girl feels about any of the mom's answers. Is she contemplative... does her face scrunch up in thought. Are they in the kitchen? Out in a field? At the beach? The word "sleeve" might just be the ONLY noun that appears outside the dialogue tags.

____________ said the mother
____________ said the little girl

Repeat 30 times. That's about how this felt to me. I needed a bit more, to be honest.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Character(s)

The voice of the little girl seems... fairly accurate. Just sorta... sweet I guess. No really big words or anything.

The mother... doesn't sound that much different, but the occasional "sweetie" and bigger word does differentiate her from the kid.

A little description could go a long way. Does the kid bounce her legs against the chair because she's full of energy and not used to sitting still so long? Does the mom stop what she's doing to talk, or is she busy and half-listening up to a certain point? Anything to give these two some personality would be more effective.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Originality

You've got this. The dialogue is cute... I don't feel like I've read this exchange before. Nicely done there.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

Overall, for me, this is just... okay. It's like, the bare bones of a story that could use some spice. The dialogue is good... imagine how much better it could be with some kind of setting and characterization. It would definitely elevate it from average to better than average with very little additional work. Good luck with it! *Heart*

*Buttonb**Buttono* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Buttono**Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
19
19
Review of A Question to God  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
*Buttonb* *Buttono* What Caught My Eye

I like to review newbies. I usually go with poetry, to be honest... but I thought this sounded interesting. God answered. I thought maybe it would be funny or something. Of course, I didn't see the "inspirational" genre at that point. *Laugh*

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Favorite Aspects

The tone is pretty mellow. I imagine that is exactly what you were going for.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Beginning & End
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

There were a few things that would have made me stop reading this had I not intended to review it. First, the 4-5am "every morning". First, you already used "morning" in this sentence. Second, "a.m." is also morning. So... it's just needlessly redundant. That's a red flag for me, especially in a piece this short. "My mornings" implies "every morning"... so you can cut that.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Language

There are some oddities in here that tripped me up. You don't sit "at" a chair. You sit "at" a table... but you sit "in" a chair.

This might be a slightly touchy subject too, but I found "live inside you as your Lord" to be like... horror movie level of creepy. I know for sure you weren't going for that, so I thought I should mention it.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Consistency

Your tone and language style were pretty consistent here. Your voice came across pretty clearly as well.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Dialogue

This dialogue is a bit... different than the norm. BUT-- you asked for wisdom, received no answer in dialogue or otherwise... and then asked why you can hear him. That to me was just... confusing. I would perhaps make it clear that you felt that you received this understanding or something before continuing on. Or you could have him answer that in actual dialogue and THEN ask why you can hear him. I tripped hard on that.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

That's about all the feedback I have for you, aside from noting that this could REALLY use a grammar edit. There are run-on sentences throughout (missing commas in compound sentences). Be on the lookout for that when/if you revise. My rating reflects the words and grammar on the page, as well as the clarity in writing.

I also hope you take no offense to my being creeped out by that one bit of phrasing. I am an avid horror fan, and usually when something inhabits another being, it's intended to be creepy. In my view, that's not a bad thing... but it might be in yours... so now you know and can change or keep it as you see fit. Good luck with any future revisions! *Heart*

*Buttonb**Buttono* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Buttono**Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
20
20
Review of Tales by the Fire  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Buttonb* *Buttono* What Caught My Eye

I was looking through newbies to review, and I saw this poem. I like the imagery that your title implies... face half in shadow... stars and blankets and logs for seats. I figured I'd give it a read.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Favorite Aspects

I appreciate the general tone. It's sort of... drama and whimsy. Surprisingly effective.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

The first line set me up for the internal rhyme scheme. Fire/desire. Except it wasn't repeated in the next line. That was a pretty fast disappointment. Set your rhyme scheme and roll with it.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Language / Word Choice

The word choice could be much stronger. There is a whole lot of repetition of ideas and enough repetition of word choice to be noticeable. Masks/mask in lines 2 and 3. We tell stories and share tales... same thing.

The message and intention here seems clear to me... it's just a matter of being intentional with your word choice now. That's what 2nd and 4th and 12th drafts are for, right? *Laugh*

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Flow / Rhythm

The flow is alright. I tripped here and there. Setting it aside for a few months and then reading aloud would help.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Imagery

There wasn't much imagery here really. And it's such a clear image that brought me here. You could work some in pretty easily.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Originality

Honestly, most of this feels... familiar. Like I've heard the ideas before. And as writers, most have probably experienced something like this before. There is some room to be unique... but really... they say every story has been told. It's all in how you (re)tell it.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* One Thing to Work On?
What one thing will make the biggest difference for this piece?

Tightening your phrasing and working on the word choice would help the most for sure.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* Effect

This is a decent enough first draft. The fact that it's an unpolished first draft is reflected in my rating. Don't be disheartened... we all have first drafts. And we all choose to revise or not revise, depending on how strongly we feel about a piece. For what it's worth though, I think this could be pretty nice with a few extra minutes of revision.

*Buttonb* *Buttono* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Buttono* *Buttonb*


New reviewing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
21
21
Review of Fantasy  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi, Paul! *Smile* I'm doing some fun little reviews for participants of The Walking Dead challenge. You've received a whole lot of reviews from me for your stories and contest entries over the years. You probably don't want to see me popping into your inbox at this point, huh? *Laugh*

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

Well, for this challenge, I decided to do some nice 5-star reviews for folders and activities and stuff like that. Anything that's about the effort. And I can definitely say that you put lots of effort into writing. You're prolific... I've read lots of your work, and you really go for it! Keep up the great work, love. *Heart* Good luck with the challenge! *Hand1*

A signature for SP & PDG


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
22
22
Review of Fiction  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
Hey, Chy! *Smile* I'm working on some reviews for The Walking Dead challenge. You know better than most that I'm not a short-and-sweet type of reviewer. So I'm going with happy, fun reviews for participants since pretty much all of you are friends anyway. This way I can save my long reviews for the newbies.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

I can't believe that no one has reviewed this folder... fiction is what you do, yeah? At least, that's what I associate with you most. Definitely deserves 5 stars for the effort. This puts my fiction folder/book to absolute shame. *Blush* I do like that you categorized and listed your work in the body of the folder. I don't think anyone really goes to folders much (just the preview/abridged version in the portfolio), but it's a nice addition. I've done much the same with my bigger poetry folders.

Anyway, here's some pretty stars for you port! Cheers and good luck with the challenge! *Hand1*

A signature for SP & PDG


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
23
23
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, love! *Smile* I'm doing some fun little reviews for The Walking Dead participants. So, I'm poking through folders and activities and anything that's more about the effort than the quality of the content inside.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

That said, the content here is pretty good! *Laugh* I like to read a blog and hear the voice of the writer. I can hear yours. I have no idea how you write such short, succinct entries! My blog posts trend long... I even have one over 10,000 words. *Rolling*

On a side note, I love 30DBC. I've participated many times... and won several times as well. It's a great challenge. Maybe I'll end up in a round with you sometime. Cheers! *Hand1*

A signature for SP & PDG


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
24
24
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, love! *Smile* I'm working on reviews for The Walking Dead, and I'm trying to get some writing done while not over-stressing. So... I'm doing some light and fun reviews rather than my typical writing critiques. Hope you don't mind.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

I like reviewing folders, since sometimes they sit rating-less for years. Plus, it's something I can give an obvious 5-star review to... it's about the effort rather than the content of any given item.

Looks like you've been busy! Look at all the activities and whatnots in here! I would definitely have been happy to take part in a few of these. I'll keep an eye out for them. Nice job, love. Cheers! *Heart*

A signature for SP & PDG


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
25
25
Review of Wonderland  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey, Kiya! *Hand1* I'm working on Gaby's Walking Dead challenge. Thanks for the review earlier, by the way... I'm terrified of fish AND claustrophobic about space and deep sea... so that story was my own personal nightmare. Glad it came across. *Laugh*

Anyway though... I decided that for the challenge, I'm going to do reviews of poetry or stories or folders or activities... whatever strikes my fancy. I've been giving lots of heavy reviews since I've been back. So I decided not to add extra pressure for myself.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

And here I am at your latest activity. Cute build up in the newsfeed prior to opening it for signups, by the way. Much more effective advertising than most people do on here. *Wink* I don't entirely understand what it is I'll be writing for it (*Confused*)... like, what are these prompts going to be? But I'm pretty stoked for it. First, I need to write more. Second, who doesn't like Wonderland? So let me be the first to 5-star this. I'm sure it will be lots of fun.

A signature for SP & PDG
597 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 24 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cinnamonfringe