Dear AaronT,
Hello, I'm Nani, and I will be reviewing your piece "Zombie Story" for the Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers for this week. Please remember that the opinions expressed are my own. Please use or discard anything that is contained within. I am certainly not an expert, only an humble reader who enjoys visiting the ports of other members here at WDC.
I see that you are new to WDC! I would like to welcome you to WDC, and hope that you find the happiness and encouragement here that I have experienced. I joined the site in June of this year. My experience here has been phenomenal! I have had such a positive one! The other writers have been very kind, and have assisted me in striving to become better. The contests are terrific ways to expand your talent, and I hope that you will get involved in some of them if you haven't already! The prompts provide great resources to get your creative juices flowing.
Now, on to the review:
Overall Impression: Your story caught my interest. It flowed very smoothly. I am sure that it will be a good book one day.
Errors:I did notice some minor edits. Please don't think I am being critical. I am only pointing this out as a means to assist you with editing the story.
In the 3rd paragraph, you wrote: " Tree’s littered both sides of the narrow road, and they seemed to go on forever. It was a cloudy day, and a slight breeze was blowing in from behind me. Tree’s branches swayed in the wind and bumped into one another; the whole scene was quite peaceful." Tree's is a possessive noun not the plural form of trees. You don't need the apostrophe.
In paragraph 5, you wrote: "Believe it dumb-dumb said the voice." In keeping with the form that you started while representing "Gutty's" voice, you need to italicize a portion of the sentence, so that it would look like this: "Believe it dumb-dumb, said the voice."
In paragraph 7, you wrote: "Yeah, your crazy!" In this case, I think you should say "Yeah, you're crazy!"
Beginning with paragraph 33 (I think) that starts a conversation with "Gutty" and the character, you should continue with the punctuation that was started earlier in the story. When the main character has been conversing with his alter ego/gut feeling, his words have been in quotation marks, and "Gutty's" words have been italicized. But starting with "I dunno. Who?" you have italicized all of the conversation. Paragraphs 33, 35, 37, 39 & 41 should be in quotation marks. This is repeated in paragraphs 54,& 56/ In paragraph 58, you have combined the two "characters". And in paragraph 65, you omitted the quotation marks, as well.
In paragraph 56 (again, I think that is the count), you wrote: "I don’t wanna piss of Sexy again I replied. But how did the pedal lock up! She’s just a car."I think that you meant to write: "I don’t wanna piss off Sexy again," I replied. But how did the pedal lock up! She’s just a car.
In paragraph 62 you wrote: "blaring by itself; “Headstrong by Trapt” was playing." I think it should be "blaring by itself; “Headstrong" by Trapt was playing.
Please bear in mind that I am NOT a professional editor, so these are only my humble suggestions!
I really enjoyed reading your work, and look forward to reading more in the future!
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