OK, my friend... here we go. This is the first review I've done for a while but I'm glad it's for you!
I love the content. The story is good, the characters realistic and personable as can be for such a brieft bit of writing. I like the opening... talking around the water cooler. I loved the interruption of the wife's phone call and her worries over the mundane: Are you sleeping? Are you eating right? All typical things a wife might ask her vacationing husband.
Your descriptions are vivid and allow the reader to see, hear, smell, and feel the environment. All of this is excellent.
On the flipside, there are some rough spots and areas where the flow grinds to a halt because of the speedbumps caused by awkward phrasing and bumpy transitions.
“Pork chops. That’s what ...
Here, these two sentences could be joined with a semi-colon. It would make it smoother and in the reader's mind it would form a more complete thought. I do love the dash at the end: perfectly placed and great impact. excellent choice.
...pork chops,” I said to an office workmate at the bubbler.
Here, the dialogue could conclude with a period. It would make it final and defined. The tag seems tacked on. Revising it and creating a complete sentence would add to your setting and mood. In addition, workmate can stand alone without beind described with office
I raised my eyebrow in response to the confused look of my workmate at the bubbler.
Six weeks ago, ...
This makes it sound like you're telling your coworker what happened. If that is the case, you need the entire story in quotation marks. Instead, it seems this is a narrative... the main character reminiscing about the trip, explaining to the reader why the coworker was confused.
Six weeks prior, ...
...my buddies and I were flown into a remote Canadian lake...
First... were flown... did they win the vacation? This makes it sounds like they were taken there either as a surprise or against their will.
Second... into a remote Canadian lake. I doubt they were flown into the lake. TO the lake, yes.
Six weeks prior, my buddies and I flew to a remote Canadian lake...
... for a vacation-week of fishing.
This is awkward.
... for a week-long fishing vacation.
Mid through, ...
This, too, is awkward.
Midway through...
...the wife rang my cell, ...
This could be left for cultural/regional effect, but it is rather bumpy and not very complimentary toward the woman. It is wordy and could be shortened simply to ...my wife called....
...disrupting our beer-binged card game.
Was the card came on a beer binge?
... disrupting both our beer binge and our card game.
... Though well intentioned, she pestered me some about getting enough sleep, too much drinking, and whether I was eating right.
This is very wordy and could be simplified.
Her well-intentioned pestering included questions about my sleeping, drinking, and eating habits.
If you want to be more specific, you could continue the sentence by inserting a colon and then stating specific questions:
Her well-intentioned pestering included questions about my sleeping, drinking, and eating habits: "Are you getting enough sleep? You're not drinking too much, are you? Are you eating right?"
“Fish, fish, fish… every night fish?”
You could add more emphasis here by getting rid of the ellipsis and replacing it with an exclamation point. I won't recommend that very often but it would work here. Then, by adding a comma after every night, you could help the reader to hear the frustration in the woman's voice.
What’d you have this morning, dry old fish I s'pose?”
This would be better as two questions or a question and a statement. Inserting a question mark after morning and following this with a statement would bring a touch of sarcasm and a little more frustration into the woman's voice. The addition of a comma would after fish would also add to the reader's interpretation of the dialogue.
I love the use of the contration at the end of this phrase. It adds to the realism of the dialogue and the tone of the conversation. Great job!
What'd you have this morning? Dry old fish, I s'pose."
“Pork chops,” I blurted. A lie, but ...
You could join the dialogue tag to the sentence following it using a semi-colon. This would make it a smoother flow between the tag and the rest of the information filling out the scene.
“Sorry, gotta go. It’s my turn to deal, love ya, bye.”
You know I don't often tell you to use short, choppy sentences, but in this case it adds to the interpretation of the situation, the scene, and the hurriedness with which the speaker wishes to get off the phone. Dropping it's would speed things up, and turning love ya and bye into their own sentences would also show the speaker's impatience.
"Sorry, gotta go. My turn to deal. Love ya. Bye."
...let my fishing partner maneuver us into and set anchor in a lovely cove.
This is awkward, wordy, and repetitive.
... let my fishing partner maneuver the boat and set anchor in a lovely cove.
...savoring the scent of crisp northern air to clear my head.
In this sentence, changing to clear to as it cleared would give the reader a feeling of progressive action. It would also relieve a bit of the awkwardness of the phrasing.
The gold and crimson hues of an encroaching dawn was breathtaking.
The hues of dawn were breathtaking.
I was enchanted by the stillness as vaporous wisps pirouetted like tiny ballerinas over the glassy surface, a pair of loons serenading in the distance.
I love the descriptions, the imagery, and the words you've chosen here. It needs a little smoothing, however. The mention of ballerinas introduces a musical reference, which continues through to the serenading loons. You might further the musical reference and expand slightly upon the loons by saying something like:
...over the glassy surface of the lake, keeping perfect rhythm with the song of a pair of loons serenading each other in the distance.
After another much deeper and vigorous inhale, I grinned at Hank.
This sentence should begin the next paragraph. Also, inhale is awkward. Inhalation would be better. Breath might even be better.
... will ya.
This should have a question mark.
I've heard a good breakfast gets the metabolism goin’, y'know,” I winked.
Here, I've heard and y'know seem redundant. You really only need one or the other. I'd opt for I've heard, mainly because the wink at the end would show the reader as well as Hank that your main character was quoting his wife in jest.
Rather than being a tag, I winked could be a stand alone sentence transitioning between the two portions of dialogue. You might even consider moving it to the end of this paragraph or to the beginning of the next one, where the dialogue continues.
... can handle, Hank.
A question mark here would be better than a period since there is a question being asked.
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Well, it's great to be back to reviewing, my dear friend, and even greater to be reviewing your work!
As long as you keep writng, I will keep on reading!
Deborah
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