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Review of A Bit About Me  Open in new Window.
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Sherri,

I enjoyed reading this little bit about you. It is well-written, answers some of the main questions readers, admirers, and would-be-friends might ask upon meeting you.

I like how you plainly and precisely laid out your philosophy in life and how, throughout the piece, you are yourself and show by your own words that what you have written is true. You spoke from the heart and in doing so touch the hearts and thoughts of others.

Thank you for sharing this brief but eloquent glimpse into your personality. I have always enjoyed what I have read of your work and look forward to reading more very soon.

Continue following your heart and your dreams. One day those dreams for a peaceful earth will be achieved, though they may seem far off at times.

All the best,
Deborah

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Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Indeed! I always love reading your work, but you know that.

This was just the laugh I needed to start my morning. Thank you for that.

I am guessing these actual quotes were left in their true and original form, which makes them even better. I love your analysis after each. I only wish I knew which pieces they were reviewing so I could go and read them. Knowing the source which spawned their statements would better complete the understanding of what they said countered by your remarks afterward. ha ha ha (Trying not to end up in your next installment...)

I've not read for anything other than enjoyment as of this writing, but one item I noted which you might check, unless it was intentional...

Even ee cummings would have to step aside on this one.

E. E. Cummings

Take care, and happy writing!
Deborah
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Review of Lilac Time  Open in new Window.
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Writer,

I am so glad I found this poem to read today.

I love the imagery and mood you created. it was restful and appealed to all of the senses. I love lilacs and I could just imagine those lovely blossoms and full bunches, the colors and the wonderful fragrance. The scents of spring and their assigned colors really brought that portion to live.

As in the past when reading your work, I always look forward to your word choices and this poem did not disappoint! :) 'Wizened' was an excellent choice. 'Intoxicate' was another great choice and really helped build the mood and total picture of the scene you created for the reader. It impressed n me that the scent was not light, airy, or fleeting but heavy, full-bodied, and almost tangible, just as lilacs are when they are in full bloom. Wonderful, wonderful!

The subject, development, and the completed picture at the end was beautifully and skillfully painted with so few words.

My only rough spot was the line :the couple who rest on bench beneath. Though I was fully able to understand the meaning, the missing article proceeding 'bench' gave me a moment of pause, interrupting the flow. To keep the nine syllable/line count, I am not sure how it could be remedied, however. I thought about suggesting a change from 'bench' to 'seats' but that doesn't evoke the same imagery for me even though it smooths the line. 'The couple' could be shortened a syllable to 'the two', allowing the addition of 'a' or 'the' before 'bench', but again, the imagery changes a bit for me when I read it that way.

Perhaps it is just one of those lines that has to be and you can chalk it up to 'poetic license'? I'm not sure, but without having anything better to offer by way of a solution I can't really recommend that it be changed. ;) Just thought I'd mention it.

I so enjoyed the poem and all of the feelings and images it brought to my mind that even with the little hiccough in that line, it was perfection and delight.

Wonderful job! Thanks so much for sharing it.

Have a lovely day,
Deborah

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Review of NYC  Open in new Window.
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

Thank you for sharing your work. I found it intriguing and insightful.

Your descriptions were clear and vivid. The words you chose brought each stanza's perspective to life in a way that makes the reader see it, hear it, smell it, feel it, yes, but also think about it and meditate on it momentarily before moving on to the next.

tension curled on his neck like a python...

That is an excellent simile with so much meaning and visual acuity. There are many other examples which could be singled out, as well. The use of unusual words, such as monoliths, battlements, perusal... these give the reader pause to understand as well as picture what is being said. Wonderful choices!

In the next to last stanza:

From a darkened doorway she smiled.
Made eye contact and encouraged his perusal.


In the other stanzas, the sentences are complete and flowing. Here, the period after smiled concluding the first line brings the thought to a close but makes the next line an incomplete sentence. Simply changing it to a comma would keep the reader's mind flowing as the picture grows clearer as you add the next details.

Thanks again for sharing your excellent work,
Deborah

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Review of BLUE PORK CHOPS  Open in new Window.
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
OK, my friend... here we go. *Smile* This is the first review I've done for a while but I'm glad it's for you!

I love the content. The story is good, the characters realistic and personable as can be for such a brieft bit of writing. I like the opening... talking around the water cooler. I loved the interruption of the wife's phone call and her worries over the mundane: Are you sleeping? Are you eating right? All typical things a wife might ask her vacationing husband.

Your descriptions are vivid and allow the reader to see, hear, smell, and feel the environment. All of this is excellent.

On the flipside, there are some rough spots and areas where the flow grinds to a halt because of the speedbumps caused by awkward phrasing and bumpy transitions.

         “Pork chops. That’s what ...

Here, these two sentences could be joined with a semi-colon. It would make it smoother and in the reader's mind it would form a more complete thought. I do love the dash at the end: perfectly placed and great impact. excellent choice.

         ...pork chops,” I said to an office workmate at the bubbler.

Here, the dialogue could conclude with a period. It would make it final and defined. The tag seems tacked on. Revising it and creating a complete sentence would add to your setting and mood. In addition, workmate can stand alone without beind described with office

         I raised my eyebrow in response to the confused look of my workmate at the bubbler.

         Six weeks ago, ...

This makes it sound like you're telling your coworker what happened. If that is the case, you need the entire story in quotation marks. Instead, it seems this is a narrative... the main character reminiscing about the trip, explaining to the reader why the coworker was confused.

         Six weeks prior, ...

         ...my buddies and I were flown into a remote Canadian lake...

First... were flown... did they win the vacation? This makes it sounds like they were taken there either as a surprise or against their will.

Second... into a remote Canadian lake. I doubt they were flown into the lake. TO the lake, yes.

         Six weeks prior, my buddies and I flew to a remote Canadian lake...

         ... for a vacation-week of fishing.

This is awkward.

         ... for a week-long fishing vacation.

         Mid through, ...

This, too, is awkward.

         Midway through...

         ...the wife rang my cell, ...

This could be left for cultural/regional effect, but it is rather bumpy and not very complimentary toward the woman. It is wordy and could be shortened simply to ...my wife called....

         ...disrupting our beer-binged card game.

Was the card came on a beer binge?

         ... disrupting both our beer binge and our card game.

         ... Though well intentioned, she pestered me some about getting enough sleep, too much drinking, and whether I was eating right.

This is very wordy and could be simplified.

         Her well-intentioned pestering included questions about my sleeping, drinking, and eating habits.

If you want to be more specific, you could continue the sentence by inserting a colon and then stating specific questions:

         Her well-intentioned pestering included questions about my sleeping, drinking, and eating habits: "Are you getting enough sleep? You're not drinking too much, are you? Are you eating right?"

         “Fish, fish, fish… every night fish?”

You could add more emphasis here by getting rid of the ellipsis and replacing it with an exclamation point. I won't recommend that very often but it would work here. Then, by adding a comma after every night, you could help the reader to hear the frustration in the woman's voice.

         What’d you have this morning, dry old fish I s'pose?”

This would be better as two questions or a question and a statement. Inserting a question mark after morning and following this with a statement would bring a touch of sarcasm and a little more frustration into the woman's voice. The addition of a comma would after fish would also add to the reader's interpretation of the dialogue.

I love the use of the contration at the end of this phrase. It adds to the realism of the dialogue and the tone of the conversation. Great job!

         What'd you have this morning? Dry old fish, I s'pose."

         “Pork chops,” I blurted. A lie, but ...

You could join the dialogue tag to the sentence following it using a semi-colon. This would make it a smoother flow between the tag and the rest of the information filling out the scene.

          “Sorry, gotta go. It’s my turn to deal, love ya, bye.”

You know I don't often tell you to use short, choppy sentences, but in this case it adds to the interpretation of the situation, the scene, and the hurriedness with which the speaker wishes to get off the phone. Dropping it's would speed things up, and turning love ya and bye into their own sentences would also show the speaker's impatience.

         "Sorry, gotta go. My turn to deal. Love ya. Bye."

         ...let my fishing partner maneuver us into and set anchor in a lovely cove.

This is awkward, wordy, and repetitive.

         ... let my fishing partner maneuver the boat and set anchor in a lovely cove.

...savoring the scent of crisp northern air to clear my head.

In this sentence, changing to clear to as it cleared would give the reader a feeling of progressive action. It would also relieve a bit of the awkwardness of the phrasing.

         The gold and crimson hues of an encroaching dawn was breathtaking.

The hues of dawn were breathtaking.

         I was enchanted by the stillness as vaporous wisps pirouetted like tiny ballerinas over the glassy surface, a pair of loons serenading in the distance.

I love the descriptions, the imagery, and the words you've chosen here. It needs a little smoothing, however. The mention of ballerinas introduces a musical reference, which continues through to the serenading loons. You might further the musical reference and expand slightly upon the loons by saying something like:

...over the glassy surface of the lake, keeping perfect rhythm with the song of a pair of loons serenading each other in the distance.

         After another much deeper and vigorous inhale, I grinned at Hank.

This sentence should begin the next paragraph. Also, inhale is awkward. Inhalation would be better. Breath might even be better.

         ... will ya.

This should have a question mark.

         I've heard a good breakfast gets the metabolism goin’, y'know,” I winked.

Here, I've heard and y'know seem redundant. You really only need one or the other. I'd opt for I've heard, mainly because the wink at the end would show the reader as well as Hank that your main character was quoting his wife in jest.

Rather than being a tag, I winked could be a stand alone sentence transitioning between the two portions of dialogue. You might even consider moving it to the end of this paragraph or to the beginning of the next one, where the dialogue continues.

... can handle, Hank.

A question mark here would be better than a period since there is a question being asked.

________________________
________________________

Well, it's great to be back to reviewing, my dear friend, and even greater to be reviewing your work!

As long as you keep writng, I will keep on reading!

Deborah
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Review of Phoenix Rising  Open in new Window.
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

It is always a joy and a pleasure to read your work.

This poem is very intense and compelling, fraught with underlying meaning, symbolism, and emotion. The imagery is wonderfully done, drawing the reader into the word pictures you paint. The formatting and color changes throughout the text heighten the reader's expectation and emotion as the poem progresses, and the opening image with its bright colors and beautiful graphic is electrifying, completing the whole package.

I didn't see any major errors, but here are just a couple of things that slipped me up as I read:

In the last line of the first stanza: once was seems awkward. Perhaps it should be "what was" so that there is a noun to go with the phrase "rising from the ashes of..."

The opening two lines of the fifth stanza threw me:

Flame searing pain ravages, burns truth
like red-hot brand scorching flesh.


I'm not sure what this means. It's almost like the two thoughts in this passage should be reversed. In addition, since there is no article to make brand singular, using the plural would read more smoothly.

IDEA:

Truth burns like red-hot brands scorching flesh,
ravaging with flame and searing pain.


Or does the pain burn the truth? I’m not certain what is intended here.

In the sixth stanza, the second and third lines each begin with a capital letter but their content is continued from a sentence which began in the line previous. The capital letter makes the reader think it is the beginning of a new thought even though there was no concluding punctuation at the end of the line before. In most other stazas such continued thoughts that go from one line to the next do not have a capital where the line changes. This allows the reader to read the thought as a sentence, from beginning to end, rather than breaking it up. Just an observation...

In the eighth stanza is a similar situation, beginning in the fifth line:

It seems like there should be a like after movement: Everyday movement like...

Following fire at the end of the line with a semi-colon would let the reader know that the fire described in the next line is the same as in this line. Also, using a lowercase letter to open the next line would join the two together as a single sentence and continued thought for the reader rather than creating a disjointed break at this juncture. Concluding this line with a period would conclude the thought and allow the next line to be a separate thought.

In the first line of the ninth stanza: Smoky images of kind faces, strangers compassionate, gentle

It seems one of two things is needed here. Do compassionate, gentle voices belong to strangers or are there compassionate strangers as well as gentle voices? It's unclear. If the voices are compassionate and gentle, then strangers needs to be possessive. If compassionate strangers is on item in the list, then the words need to be reverses because right now they don't make sense.

This line is a little awkward: and the flame grew (in) strength.

The insertion of in before strength smoothes the delivery of this passage and makes the meaning clearer for the reader. Alternatively, you could also change strength to stronger, but I think grew in strength has a greater, more meaningful impact.

In the eleventh stanza there are many times when it seems a sentence runs to the next line but that line begins with a capital letter. In other places, it seems the sentence should end but the conclusion is a comma and still the next line begins with a capital letter. I'm not sure which ways are intended but since other areas of the poem keep sentence structure in tact even when the sentence flows beyond the end of the line, keeping this trait consistent would be the best.

This fragment comes from the third line of the twelfth stanza: fright whitened features.

Inserting a hyphen between fright and whitened would join the two words together into a single adjective, making the meaning clearer for the reader.

In the fifth line of the twelfth stanza, me would be better followed by a semi-colon or even a colon instead of the comma. It would make a stronger impact on the reader and clarify the feelings that are listed relate back to the bewilderment that is felt in regards to retrospection.

In conclusion...

This poem is beautifully done: intense, emotional, meaningful, and full of vivid imagery that draws the reader in and breathes life and reality into the story woven throughout; a complete package.

Thank you for sharing your work. As always, it is a joy to visit your port.

Deborah



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Review of Pleasure  Open in new Window.
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

Thanks for sharing your story. You painted a completely different picture and mood in the first paragraph of your story. The second portion, clearly explaining the circumstances is surprising and humorous. I loved it!

You made good use of the allotted words. Keeping the story in the ongoing present tense would give it greater impact for the reader. Also, joining the two sentences about his lips would make a smoother flowing passsage, possibly eliminating a word or two which could be used to add a bit of detail elsewhere. In the light is an extraneous phrase. If his lips were glistening, then the implication that light was present is obvious. Mentioning the light to add to the mood would work in another type of story: His lips glistenened in the candlelight. That, however, isn't what is happening here, as the final sentence of the story makes clear.

In a story so short as 55 words it is difficult to provide any examples of what I'm talking about without giving the whole story away in the review. *Wink* Here's just one way you might joint the two sentences mentioned above and keep them in an ongoing present tense:

... lips parted slightly. They glistened in the light as...

... lips parted slightly, glistening as...


Thanks for sharing your work.
Write on!
Deborah


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Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

I am so glad I was able to read this today. Your poem tells a beautiful story. The words create vivid imagery and lead the reader through the woods and on through the memories and the remainder of the events. You have some excellent word choices which enhance the reader's experience and enjoyment of the poem.

The flow is good and the rhythm is even through most of the poem.

Here are a few tiny things you might want to look into:

At the end of the third line of the second stanza there is a period. A colon at this point would reinforce for the reader the idea that all of the things you mentioned in the preceeding lines of the stanza come together to make "Nature's composition." Excellent use of italics in this stanza, by the way, for the mimetically produced sound! That is often forgotten. *Smile*

At the end of the third line of the third stanza there is a comma. No punctuation is needed here. If you combine the last two lines of the stanza to make a sentence, you get:

Playing on the light, these gossamer dreams, scamper about as my fancy runs rife.

Removing the comma allows the dreams to do the scampering. The comma divides the thought, making these gossamer dreams seem like a separate inserted thought rather than the subject of the sentence to which the following verb applies. If this were a separate inserted thought, you would be able to remove it and still have the sentence make sense, but that is not the case.

In the fourth line of the fifth stanza is the word wonderful. It seems to throw the rhythm off with an extra syllable. I was going to suggest wondrous but it is used in the sixth stanza Something like splendid would work well here. The two syllables even out the rhythmic pattern and the fact that it is so different from wondrous in the next stanza ensures that the reader won't get a repetitive feeling from the usage.

Please accept this review in the spirit of helpfulness with which it was inspired, using what you feel works for you and discarding the rest.

Write on!
Deborah


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Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

I enjoyed your poem. I had no idea what to expect when I began and in the end it was funny; even sweet when viewing the child's perspective of the matter. *Bigsmile*

You have wonderful word choices throughout which make the emotion and imagery so much more interesting and clear for the reader. You draw us in with the mysteriousness of it, and, once we've been lured in, you spring the surprise and solve the mystery. Excellent!

There are a few places where common phrases are turned around to fit the meter and rhyme scheme. Call and beck is a good one and it doesn't hurt the meaning of it. Out-inside instead of inside-out felt forced, though, and made a rough spot for me in what was a fairly smooth delivery up to that point.

I've tried and tried to come up with some helpful ideas that might smooth this out. Below are the few alternatives I thought of.

My thudding heart can't be denied.

My thudding heart with fear is plied.

My thudding heart with fear is tried.

My thudding heart my fear derides.

My thudding heart goes for a ride.

My thudding heart beats me inside.

My thudding heart its fear confides.


Perhaps one of these will inspire something smoother.

The picture completes the poem and story perefectly, making a very strong visual impact on the reader.

I'm so glad I was able to read this today. Your work is always a pleasure to read; thank you for sharing it.

Deborah

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Review of Squirrel Hunting  Open in new Window.
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Dear Writer,

Your story is fun and entertaining. The descriptions are good and allow the reader to clearly visualize what is going on. Throughout, you keep the reader up to date with your changing emotions, adding to the drama and the humor. Any woman who has ever experienced a stir-crazy winter couped up in the house with an ever-expanding pregnant belly can readily identify with your plight and the burning need to get out, just for a day, even if it means suffering in the woods. (I was on seven months of bed rest so I compleetely understand!)

From a technical standpoint, there are a lot of grammar and punctuation issues. Some sentences are incomplete while others run on and on with information that could be divided into two or three complete sentences to clarify things for the reader. Because of this, there is a lot of repetition. In one portion the word before is used three times in as many consecutive sentences. It's in the third paragraph.

The story begins in the past tense but part way through transitions to a present/past mix.

At times there is dialogue from two people in the same paragraph.

If you use your husband's name it will reduce the repetition of "he".

Placing thoughts in italics makes it clear to the reader that these are thoughts.

There are many wordy passages that could be trimmed and reduced to make the story clearer for the reader.

Below are a few examples of things I've mentioned.

I didn't like to complain, money was short ...

The comma above should be a semi-colon.

But I was bored! Bored senseless, I just ...

The above quotation is repetitious. If you want to use the repeat for emphasis, it would be easier to read and understand if it occurred in the same sentence:

But I was bored; bored senseless! I just ...

He gaped at me. "What?" He looked incredulous.

This is redundant. Saying "he gaped" conveys his disbelief at what was said. The rest is superfluous. If you want to use both expressions, a little more detail would enhance the reader's perespective. Letting the reader into the scene will involve them in the story as well as the emotion and keep them reading. You could add the portion about his expression to the next paragraph where you respond.

His mouth agape, he gasped, "What?"

I paused to enjoy his incredulous look for a moment before replying.


... you'll have to keep up." He sneered.

In this quotation, the dialogue tag is detatched. Concluding the dialogue with a comma rather than a period would join the two together. Without a dialogue tag the reader can become confused as to who is speaking. You don't have to have one every time someone speaks, but the occasional tag keeps the reader from losing track of the conversation.

... you'll have to keep up," he sneered.

... felt like five minutes. OH GOD, it can't be morning already. It was.

This is one place where the incorporated thoughts could be italicized to make them clearer for the reader.

... felt like five minutes. OH GOD, it can't be morning already. It was.

I rolled out of bed and slipped on several layers of maternity clothes to stay warm.

There was some confusion when I read this sentence. Slipped on, at first, makes it sound like you got out of bed and slipped on something. Of course, that's not what you're saying. Exchanging into for on would remove the question.

I rolled out of bed and slipped into several layers of maternity clothes to stay warm.

As I stood and tried to regain my dignity, he called over his shoulder, "Do you want to save the tail?" What? What for? "No. That's ok."

The above is the conclusion of a paragrapph near the end of the story. A lot happens in this paragraph before this, but this portion has what seems like dialogue from two different characters as well as thoughts that could be italicized for clarity.

As I stood and tried to regain my dignity, he called over his shoulder, "Do you want to save the tail?"

What? What for? "No. That's ok," I muttered.


"Yeah, it's not much fun with you along, throwing up all over the place." He shrugged.

This is a great bit of dialogue. Even without a dialogue tag the reader clearly knows who is speaking. If you put He shrugged at the beginning, however, you will help them complete their image of the scene before they hear the dialogue. Seeing his body language will aid them in their understanding of his emotion and the way he likely said the words recorded in the dialogue. I can imagine a defeated sigh but at the same time, almost a secret elation knowing that even though his day of hunting was ruined, it was highly unlikely you'd ask to come again. Sneaky little devil! *Wink*

These are just a few examples and ideas.

The story was enjoyable, fun to imagine, and easy to relate to even though my husband is not a hunter. Thank you for sharing it. If you have any questions about this review or suggestions/ideas contained herein, please feel free to contact me. I'd be happy to make further explanation if needed.

Write on!
Deborah



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Review of I Can't  Open in new Window.
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

I enjoyed reading your poem. Though brief it, it has good flow and strong emotion.

In the two last stanzas you used a semi-colon at the end of the first line where, as in the previous stanzas, a comma would be sufficient.

This part threw me a bit as I couldn't decide which way it may have been intended:

In the third stanza the thought is broken by placing understand on a third line rather than at the end of the second line. It seems out of place there. In the first you say "I cannot have you" then "I cannot love you" and then "I cannot make you". It's hard to get the meaning of it ... I cannot make you understand everything I said above? Or does it mean "please understand everything I have yet to say in the next part of the poem"?

Joining it to the second line of the third stanza would make the meaning clear. If it is a plea for him to understand the remainder of what you have to say in the poem, placing it a space down as a one line/one word stanza of its own would make that version clearer, if that is what is intended.

Either way, the message is there and the emotion comes through.

Thanks for sharing your work,
Deborah



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12
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Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | N/A (Unratable.)
Dear Writer,

Your poem is lovely. I like how you used the prompts throughout. The emotion is strong and easily felt. The rhythmic flow moves the reader from stanza to stanza as the logical progression of events unfold.

You have excellent word choices that enhance the meaning as a whole and firmly establish the imagery upon which you continue to build. The pace seems to quicken as the end nears. I felt like I just needed to know what happened next.

There were a few rough spots where the rhythm felt forced into the mold you had set for the poem, but in the long run, those few spots pale in comparison to the emotion and imagery of the poem as a whole.

I'm so glad I was able to read this today. I look forward to reading more of your work soon.

Deborah



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13
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Review of Yard Sale  Open in new Window.
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

Your poem was delightful. I loved the sentiments of the child about not wanting to go to yard sales. I could picture my son when he was younger. Now he loves to go because he often finds something interesting.

Your poem moved along from stanza to stanza at a good pace. There were a few rough spots where the rhythm or rhyme felt forced or stilted, but it didn't take away from the meaning.

I enjoyed the images evoked by your good descriptions. The puppies having a war was my favorite part, I think.

Thank you for sharing your work. I look forward to reading more from you soon.
Deborah



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14
14
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

I am glad I had the opportunity to read your poem today. Spring is coming again and the weather here is like a yo-yo.

Your poem has a good flow and rhythm. I like how you presented your thoughts throughout. It progressed in a logical order. Your descriptions were well thought out and enabled the reader to see what was happening, hear the sounds of yard work and children at play, then silenced it all with the blanket of fresh snow. The concluding sentiment expresses both disappointment and hope.

Great job,
Deborah



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15
15
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

First: Thank you for your service to your country.

Your article is well written, informative, and from the heart. The brief history of events recited serves to remind the reader of our country's colorful military past and involvement both in foreign and domestic affairs. It calls to the heart and stirs the spirit of patriatism.

Here are several things you might want to have a look at:

In paragraph three, as well as in other places throughout the article you use an ellipsis to indicate a pause. Here is a link to an article about the ellipsis to which I like to refer when I have a question as to its use: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/ellip...

In the case of paragraph three, this ellipsis could be replaced with a colon since the portion that follows it helps to define the portion which preceeds it.

In paragraph seven:

These men were not prisoners, they could leave ...

The comma after prisoners would be better as a semi-colon, joining the two complete thoughts together into one sentence where the second helps to further the meaning of the first.

In paragraph ten:

... a new nation was born. "The United States of America."

This period would be better as a colon since the first sentence introduces and describes :The United States of America".

Paragraph twelve:

Constantly remaining ready to defend our country means days of endless training, of loneliness, days when they are cold, hungry, frightened.

This sentence is incomplete and awkward. Rewording it would clear this up, making a much smoother and more clearly understood passage for the reader:

Constantly remaining ready to defend our country means days of endless training and the endurance of loneliness, cold, hunger, and fear.

From paragraph fourteen:

It read..."You have never ...

This ellipsis would be better as a colon because {i]It read introduces the quotation that follows.

Paragraph fifteen:

The sacrifices of defending the United States has always ...

There is disagreement between the underlined words. Sacrifices *Right* have OR Sacrifice *Right* has.

Also in paragraph fifteen:

... freedom......and throughout ...

An ellipsis only ever needs three dots. In this case you have two complete sentences that wouold be stronger both in emotion and in impact if they were allowed to stand on their own by placing a period after freedom and eliminating the and so that throughout is the first word of the next sentence.

In paragraph seventeen there are two ellipses that are not needed. They can be eliminated without replacement. This would allow the reader to make it through the entire sentence without breaking up the thought.

Paragraph eighteen:

Getteysburg *Right* Gettysburg

In paragraph twenty-one, placing a comma after servicemen would clarify the next portion of the sentence as the position in which they are placed: above all our nation's citizens. It isn't necessary to enclose this statement with commas, but if you keep the comma after citizens then there must be a comma after servicemen to separate the statement and clarify its meaning.

Also in paragraph twenty-one: great war *Right* Great War.

The ellipsis in paragraph twenty-two could be replaced with a comma.

Paragraph twenty-six: ... to practice the religion of their choice, without the fear of persecution...

This thought does not need to be interrupted by a comma. You are listing the rights and freedoms for which our servicemen have fought, separating each with a comma. This right is to practice the religion of their choice. Without the fear of persecution is a further description of that right, not a separate right.

This next item is a matter of personal preference but I thought I'd mention it. In paragraph twenty-eight there is a comma between come true and without. It is equally proper with or without the comma, in this case. Getting rid of it strengthens the connection between the two parts of the sentence. Leaving it there breaks the thought and relies on the reader to rejoin it for the full meaning. As I said, it's a matter of personal preference but I wanted to mention it.

The ellipsis in paragraph thirty has good dramatic effect; just be sure to properly space it among the words. (See referenced website above.)

The statement made in paragraph thirty-one introduces the quotation that is paragraph thirty-two. The concluding period of paragraph thirty-one, therefore, would be better as a colon.

The ellipsis in paragraph thirty-three also needs to be spaced appropriately. Alternatively, it coould be replaced with a comma, but the ellipsis is more dramatic. At the end of that sentence, the exclamation point should be a colon because this statement introduces the mantra that concludes the article.

The content of your article is exceptional. You've presented it in logical order, covering all of your points adaquately. It is rousing and inspiring; an honorable tribute to all Servicemen past and present.

Write on!
Deborah



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16
16
Review of I Miss  Open in new Window.
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Writer,

Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem. It is a lovely tribute to your grandma and I'm sure she would have loved it. It brought back so many of the fond memories I have of my own grandmother. I wrote a peom for her, too. It's around my port some place. If I happen upon it I will send you a link.

I enjoyed the way your poem flowed from one memory to the next. I don't usually like repetition but in this case it was done well and didn't feel repetitious. The emotion is clearly felt by the reader and your descriptions bring the scenes to life, brief as they are.

I like that you listed specific flowers; it enhanced the imagery of that section.

Your grandmother sounds like a wonderful person who had a great influence on your life and the lives of all she touched. Your poem is a beautiful tribute to her.

Cherish the memories,
Deborah



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17
17
Review of Inside-Out  Open in new Window.
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

Thank you for sharing your work. Your poem says so much about our society. I like the way you analyzed this trend and refuted it's validity. How true your statement that "beauty is a mask to hide your sin".

Your descriptions bring the scenes to life, even though they are brief. It is easy to picture school children and their little groups, segmenting off and menacing others who don't seem to fit in. On up through adulthood and into the job market, the way a person looks determines so much when really it should be their skills and talents.

Your poem clearly makes its point and does so with brevity and without being preachy or judgmental.

Great work. Thank you for sharing it.
Deborah



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18
18
Review of Poodle Dresses  Open in new Window.
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

What a sweet story. I wasn't sure what to expect from Poodle Dresses but it is clearly understood as the story concludes. I like how you built up to the moment, conveying the emotions of shy flirtiness. The reaction of onlookers added to the emotion of the scene.

Flash fiction is difficult because every word has to add something to the story; there's not a one that can be wasted. You did a great job with this. It was fun to read and imagine as the images you created with so few words came together and danced their first dance.

I look forward to reading more of your work soon.
Deborah



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19
19
Review of My Father's Hands  Open in new Window.
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Writer,

My heart is touched by your words. The descriptions are wonderful but the meeanings go far deeper than what appears on the surface. Through your poem you have paid tribute to your father and all he did and what it meant to you. There is emotion and understanding. What else can be said?

Heartfelt and beautifully done,
Deborah



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20
20
Review of The Woodsman  Open in new Window.
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Dear Writer,

You have a good idea for a story. Jake and Collin sound like adventurous thirteen year olds that other boys would like to read about. This version of the story, though, needs a lot of work. It is more like a rough draft, which makes it difficult to read and understand.

You use the boys' names in nearly every sentence, which wears on the reader after a while. There are no paragraph breaks, which makes the text difficult to read. Dialogue should be separated from the rest of the narrative by being a paragraph of its own, including its dialogue tags and whatever other closely-related information is needed.

You have a good idea; work with it and clarify the story for the reader. Tell them about the scenes and make them use all of their senses to experience it with Jake and Collin. Tell how the woods smell, how the air and the water feels. What textures do they feel? What do the boys see? What do they hear? Tell the reader how they feel and how their emotions make them act. All of these things will bring the story and the characters to life.

I hope to read more of your work soon.
Deborah



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21
21
Review of Everything  Open in new Window.
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

Thank you for sharing your work. I enjoyed reading your poem. The rhythm was even and consistant and the words were expressive. I liked and didn't like the repetitive nature. First it was all the things you hated, then all the things you loved and they were the same lists. But, like I said... I liked it and then again I didn't. Because the list was so long, it was almost to much to repeat all of it. A few key points may have said more, followed by a statement that would be inclusive of them all. As it is, the reader comes away feeling they've read the poem twice: once with hate and once with love.

I liked the way you brought it all together in the concluding stanza and wrapped up the emotions. That was nicely done.

I'm glad I had the opportunity to read your work today.

Write on!
Deborah



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22
22
Review of Everything  Open in new Window.
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

Thank you for sharing your work. I enjoyed reading your poem. The rhythm was even and consistant and the words were expressive. I liked and didn't like the repetitive nature. First it was all the things you hated, then all the things you loved and they were the same lists. But, like I said... I liked it and then again I didn't. Because the list was so long, it was almost to much to repeat all of it. A few key points may have said more, followed by a statement that would be inclusive of them all. As it is, the reader comes away feeling they've read the poem twice: once with hate and once with love.

I liked the way you brought it all together in the concluding stanza and wrapped up the emotions. That was nicely done.

I'm glad I had the opportunity to read your work today.

Write on!
Deborah
23
23
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

Your poem is lovely. The words and the rhythm are very calm and soothing. The sentiments are beautiful and the descriptions made me yearn for a beachside vacation of my own.

The wide-spaced lines made it a little difficult and confusing to read. I don't know what the intent was there but it made it seem like each line was to be a stanz of its own and that made it very slow to get started. Just an observation.

I think you did a great job on this poem. All it needs is a picture and the reader couold be instantly transported to the beach along with you.

I look forward to reading more of your work soon,
Deborah



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24
24
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Writer(s),

I enjoyed reading the campfire entires. Your characters are good and the story was interesting with some very good examples of writing. I will have to go back and visit the ports of somee of the participants and see what other things they have written.

Despite being written by different authors, each part seems to blend well with the next, which isn't always easy to do.

Good job with your work thus far and all my best as your campfire activity continues.
Deborah



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25
25
Review by justme Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

I am glad I had the opportunity to read your work today.

This story is very well-written. The emotion is easily felt and the family bond is beautifully described. The vivid descriptions made me feel as though I was right there as the action took place.

Having lived through a tornado experience myself, I can say I am so sorry for what your family experienced. Your father's comment aboout not being able to see the trees again before he dies... that was so sad but so true.

There were some wordy passages that could be trimmed for the sake of clarity, but all in all, the piece was told in a conversational narrative manner. The vocabulary was easily understood, the tension palpable, and the emotions of relief, sorrow, loss, hope, and renewal were all easily experienced by the reader.

Great job! I hope to read more of your work soon.
Deborah

PS. Isn't it funny the things we do once we're married and have children? Things that never made us bat an eye before are not petrifying and can bring us to our knees trembling with fear of "what could have happened". I'm so glad all of you were safe.



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