. I've been reviewing several pieces and I've got to say your's reached me the strongest. You have a clear vision and use careful word choice to create a flow that carries the reader exactly where you wish for them to go. A great read.
The story has potential but it seems disjointed and the reader never really developes a feel for the characters. the mystery was always at the heart of a Holmes story but the little things that drove the character were what made him a timeless classic. There are a few places where your wording seems clipped to the point of being cut off in mid thought. The poison angle seems more than a tad vague and the fears of Dr. Watson are never fully developed so as to add suspense to the tale. This one is a fair Holmnes tale that with careful revision could be made into a great one. If you chose to rewrite let me know and I'll enjoy reading the new version. Good writing ... Duke Stone
I like the character development that you have started here. Kiki and Marcie are just quirky enough to be interesting without becoming too wild to believe. I look forward tothe other chapters so I can see if your plot develops as well as this first installment. Good writing ... Duke Stone
A nicely done mystery that flowed well, though it did seem a bit rushed. I'm not sure of what type of word count restricitons you were under but the story would benefit with a bit of slow down in pace. A red herring or something similar to build the suspense a bit more. A nice story that has even more potential. Good writing ... Duke Stone
The poem is good with even more potential. I liked the theme and the story you're telling however it comes across more as a story, disjointed but a story as opposed to a poem. You should consider revising it to make the flow of the words more lyrical. A lot of this could be acomplished simply by eliminating unneeded words. Another thing that might help is the adjusting of your stanzas to a more uniform length. I hope these thoughts help in some way as this one really has a lot of potential. Good writing ... Duke Stone
This is a very emotive and moving poem. There were some spots that seemed a bit disjointed but there's no denying the emotional impact of the whole. Sometimes, in their struggles adults forget the one who is hurt most by their actions. Good writing, Duke Stone
Hi I'm Duke Stone, a reviewer for {bitem:ID:989394}.This one is a wonderful, tragic, moving story. I was totally enthralled with every minute of it from beginning to end. there's not a thing that I would change about it. A great story, well told. Good writing... Duke Stone
Hello, I'm Duke Stone and I'm a reviewer for {bitem: 989394} This one is a nicely written story with a good build up but it ends too pat. The coincidences were necessary to set up the story but the end could use fleshing out. There was just too much happening off camera for the ending to come across as believable. Good writing ... Duke Stone
I can see where you're going with this one and the first section worls well. It establishes your chracters and tells an opening assignment therefore demonstrating their skills. How ever the second section leaves room for improvement as too many things are happening off camera.Dimitri never effectively communicates to Ivy his intentions or feels, we never see the out come of her date with Raegh, if any, and to be honest it gets a tad confusing from the readers standpoint. The ending scene is well done with a great closer.The plot lines need some attenion however to make the events clearer to the reader. it's alright to confuse a reader as long as it all makes sense at the end but this one left me scratching my head. A good piece that with polish could be better. Duke stone
A very thought provoking and ispiring tale. Unfortunately it seems that most of the mainstream denominations have become more and more enmeshed in what appearances mean to the world around us. My mother is United Methodist and my father is a Southern Baptist preacher so you can imagine the varied background of my childhood. Sometimes you jsut gotta listen with the heart and not the head. Good writing...Duke Stone
A wonderful heartfelt expression. The imagery is good, I especially like the line "The sun is tangled in your hair" though I would suggest droping "is" as it detracts from the flow. The other thing that disrupts the flow is how you have the poem broken up... one stanza of 6 and another of 4. I would suggest either spliting the top one into two and adding a couple of lines to make it 3 stanzas of four or perhaps add the lines to the second stanza, making it 2 of 6.
This one has real potential and can be a great poem with a little polish. Good writing... Duke Stone
I really enjoyed this one. Your narrative style reminded me of Conan Doyle's Holmesian tales which seemed to lend a touch of reality to the fantastic events that unfold. I noticed a few minor errors but they were easily overlooked as I found myself drawn into your story. Good writing... Duke Stone
A great start to a story. The characters are compelling and draw the reader in. You have a great eye for describing a scene though there is no mention of his deserting the army as is revealed in the foreword. His killing of the young brave would be better shown against his leaving the army. His way of winning back his courage perhaps. The scene with his wife and the brave is a tad pat as well. The brave would have killed him first simply to prevent any such occurance. They were instructed from early on in the ways of raiding as it was part of the passage to manhood. A story with great potential that needs developing more.
On a technical note: A horse's reins is spelled without the g. Good writing ... Duke Stone
A well done story. I enjoyed the build up to the fianl twist. Your character's mental state emerging as just bit more off center with every little bit of added information. There were a couple of typos, the most blatent one being, "gotta scrape, because no else is going to do it" you left out one but no worries it happens to me all the time. Your mind just kinda auto fills a lot of times. Good writing ... Duke Stone
A good concept but it needs more depth. You have these characters moving through the motions but it's done too quickly. We skip from the meeting to the fight. The reader is never given an opprotunity to become invested in the characters, care what happens to them. This one has potential but needs some polish. Good writing ... Duke Stone
The story as a whole could use some work. Your strongest point is the characters. You really made them come alive and the reader care what happens to them. You need to research primative life a bit better though as school was a luxury only afforded by the rich until recently. That and the family having a house consisting of several rooms dispersed the image of being merely share croppers on the baron's land. Your story flows well for the most part and with a few things to either alter or explain these conditions will make it a great story. Good writing ... Duke Stone
A nicely written and funny story. I enjoyed seeing it from the cat's POV, though I think his/her? dialogue/narrative could be refined a bit more. perhaps a bit edgier? Jusdt some randome thoughts so don't take them too seriously, A enjoyable read. Good writing ... Duke Stone
A nice retelling/interpitation of the classic myth. I really enjoyed the humanising aspects that you gave it. At times it gave the reader pause as I struggled with the meaning but over all a great effort. The one problem I see is the use of punctuation. You use it in places an not in others. This is something that I struggle with in my own poetry so I speak from experience that it really helps the reader to have the needed punctuation all the way through. Good writing ... Duke Stone
I enjoyed the concept and the unexpected ways your characters reacted to the stimuli. This is a bit vague as a stand alone story but works great as the beginning of something more. I'd love to see the concept explored and will eagerly await to see if you decide to add to it. Good writing ... Duke Stone
The character intrigues me and I enjoyed the fight scenes which were well written though they seemed to move so quickly that it lessened the impact a bit. I can understand having your hero dispatch lesser opponents without a lot of fuss so that he doesn't appear too weak when he confronts the main villian but this scene seemed a bit too pat. I'll be reading the rest of your story as time permits and will give you my thoughts as it progresses. You're off to a nice start here. Good writing ... Duke Stone
Oh Lordy! I'm a huge Poe fan and this one had me from the beginning. The writing style was absurd enough to keep me reading in the face of all logic. The urge to laugh couldn't be restrained despite my best efforts and at last I was overwhelmed by mirth.
It reminded me a lot of Robert Asprin's best work on the Myth series. Good writing ... Duke Stone
nicely written romance. The plot played out well and the characters were well developed, making me care about what happened to them. This, to me, is the most important aspect of a story. If I couldn't care less about the characters then no matter what happens to them, it won't move me. Good writing ... Duke Stone
A very intense and moving piece full of great imagery. I have never been a huge fan of slam poetry as it's being caled these days as being a bit too rough edged for my tastes but this one shines through with a strength of purpose that few can equal. Good writing ... Duke Stone
A well written poem that deals with an intense subject. The problems between parents and their children date back to the beginning of time and will most likely continue until the end of it. I enjoyed the flow up until the final 3 lines which changed both the feel and the flow too aburptly. This made the ending feel rushed to me. A very worthy effort. Good writing ... Duke Stone
Well it sounds as if you're in a self destructive relationship and you need to cut your losses and move on. He's just going to keep letting you down for those kind are all alike. My best advice would be to seek councilling and if he does it again then you had best dump the guy and find another one who's more in tune with your needs. After all how many times can you strand someone and expect them to be waiting? oh and Good writing ... Duke Stone
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