As a lover of poetry, and short stories and not a professional reviewer, I hope you take my personal opinions in the manner that they are given, my goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will help you grow as a writer.
Is the title suitable to the poem/story? Yes, they were
Can it be read out loud? Yes
How did your piece make me feel? I was initially surprised to see just one word. Then I stared at the computer screen wondering what the author had in mind with the one word boldly on the screen. When I think of still usually I think of things that have happened after a period of time. Very seldom do I think of the word in the context of silence though it could be.
What would I change? I don't know how to answer this.
Was it well thought out and well written? I am very curious as to what goal you were hoping to accomplish with the one word.
Thank you for making me think outside the box.
Lyn
Every time I read your blog I appreciate the challenges each of us face on a daily basis and how we rise to the occasion. I am really glad I am a daily part of your life and you are mine.
As a lover of poetry, and short stories and not a professional reviewer, I hope you take my personal opinions in the manner that they are given, my goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will help you grow as a writer.
Is the title suitable to the poem/story? Yes, it is
Can it be read out loud? Yes, it can
Do the lines and stanzas build upon each other? Yes, it does
Does the story have an introduction, a middle and a conclusion with a suitable climax. Yes
How did your piece make me feel? Interested, wondering what is McKenna's problem and why does DeLuca dislike him so? And I am wondering what the men know about McKenna that Ellie does not.
What was my favorite part? the meeting and the argument that led to the confrontation between McKenna and DeLuca. And the coach ride where Ellie snuggled against Toby. Sounds to me other things many happen eventually.
What would I change? "The following day the alarm clock buzzed un-relentlessly at an early eight-o-clock. They both woke up covering their ears and then quickly guffawed at each other."
Reading it outloud, I pause after the following day, I think it needs a comma there.
"By dinnertime most pairs had bordered the Dragoman, some choosing to fly the hundred plus miles instead of enduring the cheaper coach travel.
As only five pairs occupied the space inside the Dragoman, you could easily walk around and sit anywhere without feeling crowded or claustrophobic but Toby chose to sit next to Ellie for the whole journey so she wouldn't feel left out. De Luca and his partner in the race Jon sat opposite them and discussed tactics for most of the journey."
These two sentences jump out at me because in the first one you say most pairs, and in the next you as only five pairs. I would say instead by dinnertime five pairs chose to ride the Dragoman and the others chose to fly the hundred....
Five pairs made walking around inside the Dragoman easy. Seating was spacious enough no one felt crowded or claustrophobic, Toby chose to sit next to Ellie the whole journey making her feel included. Deluca and his partner.....
"She listened intently interested." She listened intently, finding it quite interesting. To me the sentence was just to abrupt.
Was it well thought out and well written? Yes, you are doing a great job. I hope you find my suggestions, helpful. Sorry, it took me so long to get to it.
Lyn
As a lover of poetry, and short stories and not a professional reviewer, I hope you take my personal opinions in the manner that they are given, my goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will help you grow as a writer.
Is the title suitable to the poem/story? Yes, thus far
Can it be read out loud? yes
Do the lines and stanzas build upon each other? Yes, the story does evolve with the lines written
Does the story have an introduction, a middle and a conclusion with a suitable climax. At this point, I feel it
How did your piece make me feel? Curious, what happened between McKenna and Ellie. Obviously in the story he is noted bad character and thrives on this reputation.
What was my favorite part? The dinner with Toby and his friends, I chuckled when she let him use the bathroom first one to see how he dressed but two women secretly like having men wait for them.
What would I change?
" From the moment she stepped off of the Boeing 747 in Colombia Ellie began uncomfortably sweating profusely." I would place a comma after Columbia because when I read it out loud that is where it feels right to pause. Maybe it is just me, but food for thought.
Was it well thought out and well written? Yes, I think you have an interesting piece begun here. Great job so far.
I have given you a 4 because this is only the first chapter and I always reserve the five for totally completed work.
Hi, Lichichra,
As a lover of poetry, and short stories and not a professional reviewer, I hope you take my personal opinions in the manner that they are given, my goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will help you grow as a writer.
Is the title suitable to the poem/story? Yes, it is
Can it be read out loud? It sounds delightful out loud.
Do the lines and stanzas build upon each other? Yes, I think the author did an excellent job.
Does the story have an introduction, a middle and a conclusion with a suitable climax. Yes, I think it does.
How did your piece make me feel? That I was part of something magical.
What was my favorite part? I enjoyed the visual image as I read cackling fires, snowy nights and twinkling lights, let's weave hope tonight.
What would I change? Nothing.
Was it well thought out and well written? Yes, it was. Excellent work!
As a lover of poetry, and short stories and not a professional reviewer, I hope you take my personal opinions in the manner that they are given, my goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will help you grow as a writer.
Is the title suitable to the poem/story? Yes, it works
Can it be read out loud? Yes, but it does need some simple tense corrections.
Do the lines and stanzas build upon each other? Yes, they do very well
Does the story have an introduction, a middle and a conclusion with a suitable climax. Yes, it does.
How did your piece make me feel? Amused when I read my first poem and probably my last. I hope not.
What was my favorite part? Santa don't make me choose
What would I change? "I don't know" he said, "it depend(s) how good you were."
"I know if I take diamonds then important thing I loose." instead - I know if I take diamonds a important thing I lose.
"What could be more important, darling than (a) diamonds (diamond) presents (present)?"
Was it well thought out and well written? I think it has potential and that the author should come back to so it does reach its full potential. Poetry is so much fun to create, I hope you do not stop here.
Lyn
Story Master,
My name is Lyn and I have taken your response seriously. I do not have 600,000 myself but I do have 100,000 and it is included in this message.
Hi 50's Child
As a lover of poetry, and short stories and not a professional reviewer, I hope you take my personal opinions in the manner that they are given, my goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will help you grow as a writer.
Is the title suitable to the poem/story/commentary? Yes, it definitely fits.
Can it be read out loud? Yes, but is not necessary, unless you feel like sharing.
Do the lines and stanzas build upon each other? Yes, the paragraphs do build nicely on each other.
Does the story have an introduction, a middle and a conclusion with a suitable climax. The story does have an introduction by telling us what the author saw on the television, the middle was how it affected her family and people like her in retail. Sadly, the conclusion is the change in our family time, It used to be cherished above all else, now money has become more important. I found it so depressing when you ask a family what they are going to do together and the answer hang out at the mall. That is not quality time to me.
How did your piece make me feel? Reminded me of the days of my youth and when my children were young. I truly miss the blue laws.
What was my favorite part? "How sad that it has come to this, where making money is disguised as convenience for shoppers." It is not for mine. I pledged not to shop on Thanksgiving or Sunday. I am urging others to as well. Take back our family time.
What would I change? Nothing.
Was it well thought out and well written? Yes, it was.
Thanks for signing my guest book.
Hi Edward,
Is the title suitable to the poem/story? Yes, I believe it works very well.
Can it be read out loud? Yes, it certainly can be. It made me chuckle because my own muses taunt me in similar fashion.
Do the lines and stanzas build upon each other? Yes, the paragraphs do in fact take you to the next move, like a game of chess.
Does the story have an introduction, a middle and a conclusion with a suitable climax. It has the potential to go in that direction, right at this point it is has nice opening, a good middle and a hint of climax looming ahead. I think it would be make a great short story.
How did your piece make me feel? Really amused.
What was my favorite part? Muses, beware as you promise your revenge clearly noting that you are not a normal mortal. I hope none of us are.
What would I change? Nothing, it is delightful.
Was it well thought out and well written? Yes, I think it was.
Is the title suitable to the poem/story? Yes, although vague but once you begin reading, there were enough painful words, the simplicity of the titel works.
Can it be read out loud? Sadly, yes, and it sounds even more painful.
Do the lines and stanzas build upon each other? Yes, and the picture is not pretty, nor is it the author's intent to change a thing. Truth is better than fiction.
Does the story have an introduction, a middle and a conclusion with a suitable climax. Yes, and I hope the Mom and her sons have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
How did your piece make me feel? It made me want to commit murder on a complete stranger for his cruelty to his son, a child that does not deserve to be verbally abused by his father.
What was my favorite part? That the young man did not flee from his Mom as well, as teen soften do. I am glad that bond is there. I hope it never breaks and that the family can walk away from this abusive man.
What would I change? The spelling of pieces in this line, "tear his self esteem into pieces."
Was it well thought out and well written? I don't this applies because I believe it was written in a time of frustration and pain. It was needed to help the Mom deal with the anger she feels seeing her baby hurt needlessly. I hope your writing finds a way to give you comfort. Give your a son a hug an extra hug today!
What caught my attention was the title and your user name, interesting combination Insecurities -Abundance so I thought I would see what you had. The explanation of insecurities was clear and then backed up well with longer in-depth reasoning.
I felt you used a good example in a relationship and the importance of handling personal baggage.
Hopefully, your advice will be used well in a reader's life.
Interesting read.
Lyn
Hi,
A very endearing story of a woman finally taking her self into consideration. It is never a good thing to live your live pleasing others, occasional gestures are nice but the bottom line it is your life and you must do what makes you happy.
Do not allow guilt take away from the magic that you and your lover felt together. New beginnings are usually really easy or really difficult ..but worth the risk in my opinion.
I wouldn't change the story, it flows well as it is. Although, I am curious why you placed a question mark at the end of the first sentence in the last paragraph ( but the most beautiful event on that night for me.) and you do have tense errors like shown should be showed (his masculinity shown through his confident emerald eyes)
Thanks for sharing with us.
Lyn
Hi Twitch,
Is the title suitable to the poem/story? Yes, it is, there is no mistaking the poem was written from a man's view.
Can it be read out loud? Yes, it can and sounds very nice with the exception of two words that should be my not mine in my opinion. I recommend you read it out loud and you will see what I mean.
Do the lines and stanzas build upon each other? Yes, they contribute to a beautiful imagery.
Does the story have an introduction, a middle and a conclusion with a suitable climax. N/a
How did your piece make me feel? The imagery is beautiful and I can relate to the subtle changes in winter touches us to our core. It's beauty glitters day and night with such stunning artistry and your poem reminded me of the beauty of winter.
What was my favorite part? In the third stanza, but how oft it is that your tender embrace turns to icy stone. This particular line and the next one make me think of a love that has died and the emptiness lingers. Great choice of words.
What would I change? The word mine in lines 1,5,6, 13 to my and you have i in lines 6 and 14, it should be capitalized.
Was it well thought out and well written? I think the poem is very creative and well expressed. Thank you for sharing with us. Goo job.
Hi,
Oh how true it is, every haunting memory and then one day it is just you with the next generation trying not to dwell on those gone by days.
Excellent poem, so emotionally moving from beginning to end.
I would not change a thing, it is perfect the way it is.
Lyn
It is a beautiful poem, that definitely invites the reader to share in an intimate moment. Well done!
It reads out loud very well which to me is another positive for a poem. The stanzas all build upon on each other which is another key to a great poem. The only thing I would change is how far apart you have the stanzas placed it makes it easier for the reader to read without having to move their computer monitor. Other than that, its perfect as is!
Hi Hunter,
I am impressed.What a delightful image you have created in your sacred sanctuary is. It reads out loud beautifully, The second stanza is my favorite, I feel such pleasure reading these lines.
There is a secret place I go;
a place of solitude.
A library of all I know
and all that I’ve accrued.
It’s unconfined; it has no end
yet not a single word is penned.
It’s unconfined.
It’s unconfined;
along its many paths I wend.
I feel such pleasure reading these lines.
Thank you for sharing it with us all, Excellent contribution!
Hi Hatsuda,
That is incredibly well written from the beginning with the caretaker and the doctor passing time beside an unknown to us woman's grave to the conclusion with Roger in his wife Carrie's embrace. The way you gradually introduced Catherine to us and brief glimpses of the doctor's fascination with her slowly dropping hints about where the story was heading. Awesome! I thought the dedication to Roger in the picture from the Doctor that he had spent so much time with in the cemetery simply conversing. “To my best friend Roger; if you can dream it, you can accomplish it. Believe. Ed.” was simply perfection.
I loved it, I would not change a thing.
Overall, the story has potential, it draws the reader into the story and moves forward nicely. There are spelling errors through out the piece that need your attention, ones that I can easily see as I write the review are were's Alec? where's Alec?, Ian and apologize it should be apologize. I realize in the creative process that we sometimes lose sight of spelling errors because our brain automatically fills in for us.
For me in the posted format you chose the print is difficult to read but that may not be true for other readers. I am not sure what purpose the bold is for the story other than you chose it.
Good work in progress, looking forward to see where you take it from here.
Lyn
Hi Kristen,
I think that you did a wonderful job of describing your world and how it has shaped you.
With that said, to me some of your sentences I feel are just to long with too much detail. In writing good paragraphs sentences should be a balanced mix of short and long. You may try mixing them up a bit more.
Good Luck with college.
Lyn
Hi Amelia,
The title is suitable to the poem and creates the stage from which your poem develops into a interesting dark visual image with each line.
The rhyming sequence works very well in this poem. It meets the criteria of lines building in each stanza to the next.
I agree with your assessment, it is indeed a dark poem. My favorite stanza is the one that begins with I'm lost in the moment because it really draws me to look at the author's pain and the next stanza builds upon the visual image the best to me. Several other stanzas drew me as well but did not keep my interest as strongly into the next stanza. But that is just my opinion.
Hi Lanov,
The criteria for a poem for me is:
1. It can be read out loud comfortably and for me the second line I struggle with the word paucity. But that may be just me
2, It must create visual or emotional images, and yes it does.
3. The lines and stanzas must build upon each to create a conclusion, yes it does.
4.The rhyming works well.
This is an enjoyable place to blog, inspires you to write creatively. There are so many different blogging styles in one place it keeps you on your toes.
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