I thought the story developed in a very organized manner...our main character, Jo, then one of the antagonizers, the competition and a dear friend. Good job! I was particularly drawn to Jo's dear friend, Wolfgang. I enjoyed the Jo's discussion with Wolf immensely. I think cats are the best listeners when you need to talk or want to read something outloud. Which I did to my cat Purryl, who is across my lap as I type to you. I think she approves as well. I think you have a story line that can grow in many directions with great potential.
Good Evening, Winnie,
Thank you for sharing your family pets with us. I think they are all very nice pictures but for me I really was attracted to this one the most. I am a huge cat fan, particularly tabbies! Lucy certainly looks like she can be quite mischievious whereas McGregor has that wait till Mom is not looking look on his face.
Lyn
Good Evening, Winnie,
Thank you for sharing your family pets with us. I think they are all very nice pictures but for me I really was attracted to this one the most. I am a huge cat fan, particularly tabbies! Lucy certainly looks like she can be quite mischievious whereas McGregor has that wait till Mom is not looking look on his face.
Lyn
Good Morning,Freedom
Welcome to Writing.com. Hope you find this a valuable learning experience for your writing.
My first initial reaction was curiosity as to why you were weeping. So yes, you were successful with drawing the reader into the poem.
I read the poem all the way through with the same curiosity and still do not know the reason for your mourning. So I feel you were successful in holding my interest thru and after. Good Job with the poem content!
What does not fit for me is the title? Each time I read the poem and then the title something isn't right for me.
Hopefully, my review is helpful!
Lyn
Hi, its Lyn again. I thought I would visit you since you took the time for Caitlyn and me earlier today.
I looked at your titles and The Light is what drew me immediately. I think each paragraph added to the previous one creating a wonderful conclusion to an inspirational poem. My favorite paragraph is this one:
I am a light
To lead all generations
A lengthy plight
With hopes and aspirations
It immediately reinforced my belief that each generation has a responsibility to the youth to share their passion for reading and writing to the best of their ability. I totally agree that each of us is a light and how we choose for it to reflect is the most important achievement of our existence. Your light is clearly shining in the right direction. Great job. I will share this poem with Caitlyn, hopefully your light will help widen her young impressionable mind.
Lyn
There is definitely something relaxing about watching ducks frolic in the water. I used to sit in my kayak for hours just watching them, losing total track of time.
I thought the way you introduced the evening and why you went to the pool were very nicely done. Every woman can make that connection with needing a few moments to themselves with children in the house. My only hesitancy in saying it is perfect is the word route...it just doesn't flow for me. Overall, it is a very good poem.
I understand completely the point you were trying to make about learning by hands on/ active participation than from a textbook. Some of my best learning experiences have been when I have physically participated versus reading it in a book.(Gardening and Sewing)
However,structurally, this needs lot of work.
Like for instance, " Long ago I was standing to a window" it would sound much better like this- Long ago I was standing at a window.
Months, needs to be month.
Beautifully, does not fit in the sentence at all as you have.. it interrupts the flow. As the piece is right now, the spelling errors, and the missing capitalization (i wondered- I wondered), and the sentence structure makes the total reading process challenging because of the distractions.
I really believe if you spend some time organizing your thoughts and then read your sentences outloud you can turn this piece into an enjoyable read. I am looking forward to seeing the final piece.
Lyn
Good Evening,
Any woman or man would be pleased to have some one express their love with vows as beautiful as these. You have certainly touched the sentimental heart of this old woman. It has been awhile since I have read the beautiful vows my husband wrote, I think I will this evening.
However with that said, I do have to say techincally there are weakness that distract me as I read.
For example: But if you asked me if I’ll wipe your tears ( But if you ask me I'll wipe your tears sounds better to me ask is conditional and asked is past tense)
or slay your dragons and soothe your fears,
then maybe I can promise that each night.
or:
If I’m worried, will you soothe my fears, ( If I were worried, will you soothe my fears just sounds better and indicates conditional better to me)
slay a few of my demons throughout our years
together, perhaps our lives will grow entwined.
Just food for thought..
Lyn
Hi Adam,
Welcome to Writers.com. I hope you find all you need and more here among us crazy writers.
I really liked your initial paragraph/introduction but than the second paragraph you lead with fierce call. My question is fierce call of what nothing in the paragraph answers that for me. Then the third paragraph you introduce the feeling of deprivation but offer the reward of something but than I feel confused again with the last line... blood child. I am not sure what this is supposed to mean as the ending.
I agree with you it has possibilities and can progress into something wonderful. I feel the first paragraph is your strongest and definitely has the most potential to be a great poem.
Lyn
Sadly, life is all about the habits we establish for our existence. Its funny to me how we wake up the same way, with a ceiling fan above our heads each day and we both consider getting away from it. My morning begins with a suduko and it ends with one, for the same reason I think, mental alertness.
The line~ Its endless, stagnant revolutions tell the story of my life, I think would flow better if you said~ its endless stagnant revlutions that tell the story of my life. Just something to consider. I liked how easily you drew us into your morning routine.
What I did notice is that you do not have writing in your daily routine in your short story, now that ritual is vital to your existence. My mornings go from resisting the awakeness to the suduko, to coffee, morning pages ( my journal) and then I dress for work and begin that existence. I do keep a journal with me for those breaks at work so I can write during the day.
Anyway, amusing read that made me chuckle how similiar everyone's existence really is.Good job.
Lyn
Good Evening Flic,
The title of your poem is what drew me to read your poem. Our main floor bathroom is mirrors, on the wall, and the ceiling and makes for interesting conversations when guest use the facility. It does encourage light and your mind does wander when you are in there..I think mirrors have that ability.
As I read the first paragraph the one thing that jumped out at me was the line` why must we choose at all. Every other paragraph you have used I and I think that the poem would flow better with the poem remaining in first person. Just a thought.
What I do really like is how you described the mirrors and compared them to yourself and how easily it is to wander and feel confused when their endless possibilities. The flow of the poem worked for me. Good job.
Lyn
Good Evening, Eric,
It seems that your piece on Lighthouses was meant for me to read. I was watching the NJ Public television program tonite about Lighthouses and me who can never just do one thing at time decided to read and listen.
I found the story delightfully written from a father and child's point of view. It is always fascinating to me how a child's curiosity can develop into the most wonderful adventures. You never know what can happen. I have had some of my best times with children and grandchildren because of their incessant curiosity.
I thought the narrative was very engaging and easy to follow.
What I would have liked was to read more details about the lighthouse and the cottage as you saw it as child, Eric.
Overall, it has alot of potential to develop into a much longer story. Good work, Eric.
Lyn
This was a very entertaining read for me since I enjoy gardening immensely. My creatures of annoyance are not my cats but the squirrels who steal my bulbs, and tubers for my lilies. One thing I have found that works to keep my cats away from my flowers up close is I used aquarium gravel and the cut glass shards you place for decoration right up to my plant. My cats do not like the feel on their paws or if you are near the ocean crushed seashells. The squirrel on the hand nothing seems to bother him, I even tried red pepper flakes.
I was amused that you daughter Michelle does the same thing my daughter Amanda does immediately fix the music. Sound is certainly a key factor when you are wanting the visual simuli to be perfection.
I think the way you included the pivotal (italized) points in the story certainly added to the story depth and fit appropriately in the places chosen. I think the overall piece is delightful.
Great job!
Lyn
Hi Richard,
I agree toads are not exactly attractive but certainly fascinating to watch. Your descriptions worked with the exception of chirped for me, it croaked would have sounded better to me. Just food for thought, if you are thinking on working on this more. If you have a reason for chirped I would be interested in knowing the reason.
A nice reminder that our four legged co-existers are making appearances after the winter months.
Lyn
Hi Richard,
I agree toads are not exactly attractive but certainly fascinating to watch. Your descriptions worked with the exception of chirped for me, it croaked would have sounded better to me. Just food for thought, if you are thinking on working on this more. If you have a reason for chirped I would be interested in knowing the reason.
A nice reminder that our four legged co-existers are making appearances after the winter months.
Lyn
I found this article very interesting and the timing priceless. I am just getting myself back on track with my writing after a series of medical issues which brings me to this wonderful site.
I would not have considered myself a reviewer prior to joining this site but since I have begun reading different writers work and actually writing reviews I found myself more aware of styles and the actual plot possibilities than before when I just read a book and set it aside. Reading is one thing but actually organizing your thoughts and giving an opinion with your name visible is totally another. It does indeed make you consider what is written more thoroughly and hopefully respectfully.
"But then, the questions arise… Are bloggers ‘real’ reviewers? What defines a review? After all, there are many types of reviews—academic and long, light and short, and snippets like those in such publications as Library Journal. Different review sites and publications have different guidelines. Are blogger reviews a new, different type of review? Should we draw a distinction between bloggers who are simply readers and post ‘reader reviews’ and ‘legitimate’ reviewers who post ‘real’ ones on their blogs? After all, just like on Amazon, there are reader reviews and reviewer reviews. Are bloggers the lowly counterparts of legitimate reviewers? Is this an elitist attitude?"
I cut and paste this particular paragraph because this is what held my thought process for a while.
In my opinion, bloggers are giving opinions just like reviewers but the difference being that if I wanted to seek professional/academic reviews I would go seek those feeds for clarification and their opinion. If I was just looking for a fun read, I would certainly consider a blogger's opinion. I think both can co-exist in this world because each offer the reader input and its the readers responsibility to use that information accordingly. Yes, I agree with you it is a can of worms.
I think overall the world of literature and for all writers that both need to co-exist to maximize the potential for readers and writers to explore all possiblities. I am looking forward to reading your book as I said because I think for me understanding reviewing better will help my skills grow as a writer and a reviewer. I see the date of this particular article is 2007, so I will be going on Amazon to find your book after I close this.
I am glad that you placed food on the table for us hungry readers.
I found myself stopping and getting lost in my own memories as you shared yours. I think that when a writer touches the reader in the way you have, is special. I enjoyed our time together immensely, Mark. Thank you, very well done!
The delightful twist of your relationship with your father in law was very well written and preserved in a manner that any man would feel honored. He shines in your writing just as brilliantly as your mutual silver collection.
I think you have potential to build this short story into a longer story if you want by talking more about what recreating the house to its original beauty or may be the gardens. Or elaborate on some special times with Jim.
I have this crazy fallen down house in Maine, it needs so much structurally that it makes more sense to tear it down. The property has 7 delightful gardens,rock walls and a beautiful writing space for anyone inspired to do so. Our beloved black lab, Angel rests under the honeysuckle bush.Fluffy our domestic tabby is sleeping under the azalea she always did when she lived. Both enjoyed their time with us in our Maine home.
My sons agree with you, the house may have given out but the memories are so powerful they are working together to rebuild the house so new memories can merge with the old for many generations to come. Memories and the place that held them dear for you are priceless.
Mrs. Populatery,
INteresting spelling here, very similiar to my maiden name of Poupart.
Okay, I have read Chapters 1 and 2 and these are the things I noticed right off. Chapter 1, In the paragraph that begins with I raced out of the classroom you have used the word time 4 times. I realize that sometimes when we read to ourselves we don't actually read every word our mind fills in the blanks. So I would spend some time having someone read your work outloud to you. That is what I do to help myself with repetitious words in a paragraph.Chapter 2, I noticed there are more spelling/grammar errors dreamed instead of dream,here instead of her, abroad, should be all aboard. I am very aware how hard it is to keep on top of the spelling/grammar when your mind is flowing with ideas and you don't want to lose them. It will come with time. All of us begin with the same mistakes and learn has we go.
My husband used to proof read my papers initially for me and there would be more red than black by the time he was done. Some days, I would just cry and cry in sheer frustration. Then I would pick the paper and do it again because I would be damned if red ink was going to beat me. Stubborn!
The story overall has lots of potential and I think you will have lots of fun writing along the way. I will at another point read the next chapters you have written but it may not be for a few days I have alot going on right now that is interrupting my own writing time.
Keep up the good work, hang in there all the pieces will come together.
I really enjoyed your choice of descriptive details that flow on each line. My particular favorite is "darkness, a raven ecstacy upon its gliding wing", the image that comes to mind is the wing span that raven's are blessed with when they soar overhead. I have been camping when a raven has swooped close to our camp site and they are amazing to watch.
I also found interesting your question to God's position, his location when Satan comes and then to Satan as to his intent. All of us question our positions, where we will be, what we want or need.
Excellent poem.
I found your Dad's poem and your words of wisdom are very encouraging to both the writer and the reviewer.
The writer first of all because that sense of belonging and someone who feels just like you is essential to success. The reviewer, well, they need to remember how easy it is to take someone's moment away from them with their carelessness. You can be critcal but constructive without being destructive when writing a review and taking the review to a higher level by reassuring the author that everyone begins somewhere and we all grow from that point.
I felt the same way as you when I finally posted my work. Scared to death to read the review, than I did and cried my eyes out and it wasn't even a bad review. I was just so relieved that my first review was not hurtful I am sure there will be my day, just yesterday wasn't it.
I am looking forward to reading your work. Thank you for sharing your experience with us rookies.
First, I would like to welcome you to the Writing Community. I am sure after reading this selection, that you have lots of potential and will be making many contributions.! :)
You and I do share a belief that we are never alone! Your story certainly reminded me that I have a story myself that needs to be added here from my journals. Thank you for giving me a kick in the butt. It was needed.
I felt the story flowed beautifully and ended with a strong summation of the title. Good work!
I really can't suggest any changes because I genuinely like it as it is.
I can say I would be interested in seeing more of Sid's life evolve if you are inclined to write more.
I found your tale of anger at what Heinrich's believes to be true very engaging. I think at some point in all of our lives we feel this same anger or discontent with our existence, our faith and what we see as our future. Your writing gave me moments of joy and sadness in your choice of descriptives as your story developed.
I don't beleive I would change anything in the story cept maybe asking Heinrich if he is aware what he choice has cost him...
Very well done!!
Lyn
Typically, this would not be something I would select to read because my interest lies in biographies however as I read I found myself curious as to where the story was going and what lesson would be learned. It was indeed worth the time to read.. I enjoyed the story thus far. Thank you for opening my mind to another writing style I may have missed.
i felt the descriptions of the settings were very well done especially in the path barley noticed in the sacred grove. My favorite place in Maine is in a deeply wooded area that opens to a wonderful stream that cannot be seen unless you get scratched and stabbed by a few branches along the way.
I realize the name choices must be for a reason but I found them difficult to pronounce when reading your story outloud. Maybe making some of the names flow more easily off the tongue would encourage more readers to share your story in a reading group.
Overall, well done!
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