Hazel,
First of all congratulations for putting your thoughts and feelings to paper so vividly.It does have all you warned us about, family, dark emotions and fear unfortunately to many of us are way too familiar with your story.
I could feel your anguish that the shadow could not in your story. Your father in the story could have easily been my father. He didn't show love only anger and either with a belt or his fist.
I thought using the shadow was an excellent way to allow us to see but not really feel because you were protecting us from the monster. I really wouldn't change anything.
Good luck and Godspeed Hazel.
Hi,
I enjoyed how you evolved from one passionate moment to the chilling next moment of the unknown. It is interesting what our mind's eye catches in a fraction of a second.
There is something about this sentence-"He spins me again and again allowing my full ball gown of a dress to expand." that just doesn't flow for me. I am not sure it is necessary to say of a dress. For me seeing the image He spins me and again allowing my full ball gown to gloriously expand. I believe most of us know a ball gown is a dress so it really doesn't need to be said. I think you were going for the visual of the gown expanding, flowing etc.
It has all the necessary points to begin a great read, characters in love, a disturbing character and a mystery waiting to unfold. Good job!
Lyn
There is definitely potential in your story. Couples often go to desperate measures to get a reaction from the other.
In the paragraph when he proposed you have a capitalization error.
In the paragraph about the ring you have
She knew Peter still loved him. Shouldn't it be She knew Peter still loved her.
There is one sentence that just doesn't flow when you read it out loud. What appeared like ages, they broke apart. Maybe if you wrote They broke apart after what felt like ages. Just food for thought, it definitely in my opinion needs something.
Lyn
Hi,
I'm sure by now you have been told in the second stanza, second sentence that it would read better if the word you became you. Probably a typo.
I can relate to your notions theme, I am taking medication that gives you vivid dreams at night. My point is that I wake up with the strangest ideas that have hit my paper. Some people would object to having so many weird dreams but me I am enjoying the expansion of my mind. The notions are indeed fun to explore.
Vstone,
I found myself drawn in wondering what lie or broken trust was that bad time could not heal. Which to me is a compelling poem, an opening, a middle, the peak and finally closure. I believe the only thing I would change is to add a bit more drama to the last paragraph making it also a 4 line stanza so the poems rhythm matches.
Excellent job!
On a personal note, if this is about yourself, the best gift is forgiveness.
Lyn
Pat,
I thought it was delightfully amusing because of the way you summarized how all of us newbies really feel when we first come to writers. com. We are skeptical that we have talent and shocked when we find people giving positive feedback. I think you do have the touch.
Great work!
Lyn
Hi Zoie,
I enjoyed your poem especially that each stanza leads to the next smoothly creating a delightful tale of life.. My favorite stanza is the conclusion I felt the story was told and ended with a positive summation.
In the first stanza I think you may have a typo because when you read and it's hard to tell if this heaven, it sounds better with or not of.
I was amused with the third stanza when you began with rocket science and then ended with empty barrels. The visual image was great not your usual lonely description in poetry. It certainly added to what you desired in the end with happiness that completes an equation of one.
Good job!
Lyn
Ben,
The poem has potential. I have several suggestions. Like the end of the first stanza the line with florescent would work better with after they shine down on the alleyways.Reading it outloud I feel it flows better. Anyway just food for thought.
The street lights in the dark city
Shine down on me to guide my way
They shine down on the alleyways
Florescents shining on the ground
Their light bouncing off the cars.
It is always reassuring to know something consistent is there for us going home.
Good try.
Lyn
All the lines flow wonderfully together to the climatic conclusion as a poem should. You have addressed the pain we all feel when we lose the one we love whether it be by break up or death, the feelings are still raw very directly. Good work.
Looking forward to seeing you expand on the pain and suffering in this poem because it does have potential to expand.
Lyn
Sorrez,
For a poem, it flowed almost perfect with the exception well at least to me of having to positive stanzas in a row. I would alternate them. Just for food for thought. My favorite stanza is the opening with the mask of shame. I agree the things we dread are usually either because we are ashamed or we feel we will be unsuccessful.
Lyn
Good evening Robert,
Overall it was well written and organized. As a reader I had no difficulty following the information you were sharing. Clearly you have a passion for star gazing.Good Job!
However, what I would change is the sentence about the telescope your dad bought. It is too long as it is with more than change of topics. You can easily discuss Hailey's comet in a sentence alone or sevderal for that matter.
Anyway food for thought.
Hi,
I think you have lots of possibilites to expand this poem, you have introduced delightful images but then end it to quickly. I would certainly would enjoy reading more about how the trees and nature enrich our lives.I hope you do concsider expanding this work.
Was there a reason you chose not to put these in the genre of nature, it definitely fits in that category?
Lyn
I found your poem appealing for these reasons to me. I liked the way you created the little boys place of his castle...fort. Who doesn't dream of that. Then every child longs to have a friend they can share that magic place with especially over a summer vacation. I found the plot interesting how you took the little boy from excitement, to childhood resourcefulness with the conversation to the sad glimpse into adulthood with his wondering about which side of the track.I wish children never had to lose their innocence view of the world.
Thank you for sharing.
Lyn
I liked how you used your emotions and the ocean theme, I felt your personal reflections and the ocean were compelling, leading me further into your story. The sound of ocean waves breaking on the rocks are favorites of mine, too! Good Job!
What I do question is the capitalization of ocean,crashing waves, and sun in the manner that you did. I think you have easily just placed the word in italics if you really needed emphasis, but I am not so sure you did.
The difference between our ages is apparent in one detail... I always want the darkness to linger...once the sun appears the real world intervenes and the magic disappears.
Chrissie,
I liked how the opening line introduced the story and then each line built upon that first line. The maze of corridors creates a delightful image in my mind as I allow myself to be swept into the poem. I think you have lots of potential.
What I feel does not work is the genre descriptions, I think personal and biographical work but I for the life of me I can see anything dark in your poem.
There is not death, nor is there facts or pieces of the story that would indicate something dangerous or morbid so...unless you intend on adding more...and then well it the door is open to whatever
Lyn.
Lena,
"But beyond literal meaning… What is fear?
Fear is what drives everything."
This is what drew me in like a moth to a flame..I felt consumed as I read, I had to read it several times to totally appreciate all the intricate details you wove to build this dramatic piece.
"You try to take a deep breath and convince yourself to calm down. For a second, just a second, it almost works. But fear wouldn't allow that. Fear wouldn’t even think about thinking about allowing it. No, you could never escape fear. The very idea of such an idea is ludicrous. And so… you are afraid. There is no escaping it. No hiding it. Because where does one hide from fear?"
This particular section would work really well in a piece on domestic violence, you have described exactly how a woman feels to a tee, it is as if you know how the abused woman feels, thinks..do you? Do you know it what means when she says it is better to know where your evil is then not? I do...
This makes me feel as if you do as well...if you haven't than you have mastered the power of fear with amazing intensity!
Great job!
I am very proud of you.It takes a lot of courage to say the words outloud or on paper and you have done both! You and I both share that in common, we survived childhood abuse.
I felt the poem format you chose was very compelling, you could feel the young girls' anguish with each word.
The only thing I noticed was the mispelling of whisper.-
Lyn
Hi Kate,
I've read all 19 chapters, very well done! I enjoyed Adam and Jo's relationship development immensely.
It looks to me like you have not been here or worked on this particular story in sometime. That is a shame. It has too much potential to sit on idly.
There are a few links that do not work whether it is because of the content or error in loading I don't know but I don't feel that they impacted the story in any way.
Thank you for a very much for the entertaining read.
Lyn
I thought the story developed in a very organized manner...our main character, Jo, then one of the antagonizers, the competition and a dear friend. Good job! I was particularly drawn to Jo's dear friend, Wolfgang. I enjoyed the Jo's discussion with Wolf immensely. I think cats are the best listeners when you need to talk or want to read something outloud. Which I did to my cat Purryl, who is across my lap as I type to you. I think she approves as well. I think you have a story line that can grow in many directions with great potential.
Good Evening, Winnie,
Thank you for sharing your family pets with us. I think they are all very nice pictures but for me I really was attracted to this one the most. I am a huge cat fan, particularly tabbies! Lucy certainly looks like she can be quite mischievious whereas McGregor has that wait till Mom is not looking look on his face.
Lyn
Good Evening, Winnie,
Thank you for sharing your family pets with us. I think they are all very nice pictures but for me I really was attracted to this one the most. I am a huge cat fan, particularly tabbies! Lucy certainly looks like she can be quite mischievious whereas McGregor has that wait till Mom is not looking look on his face.
Lyn
Good Morning,Freedom
Welcome to Writing.com. Hope you find this a valuable learning experience for your writing.
My first initial reaction was curiosity as to why you were weeping. So yes, you were successful with drawing the reader into the poem.
I read the poem all the way through with the same curiosity and still do not know the reason for your mourning. So I feel you were successful in holding my interest thru and after. Good Job with the poem content!
What does not fit for me is the title? Each time I read the poem and then the title something isn't right for me.
Hopefully, my review is helpful!
Lyn
Hi, its Lyn again. I thought I would visit you since you took the time for Caitlyn and me earlier today.
I looked at your titles and The Light is what drew me immediately. I think each paragraph added to the previous one creating a wonderful conclusion to an inspirational poem. My favorite paragraph is this one:
I am a light
To lead all generations
A lengthy plight
With hopes and aspirations
It immediately reinforced my belief that each generation has a responsibility to the youth to share their passion for reading and writing to the best of their ability. I totally agree that each of us is a light and how we choose for it to reflect is the most important achievement of our existence. Your light is clearly shining in the right direction. Great job. I will share this poem with Caitlyn, hopefully your light will help widen her young impressionable mind.
Lyn
There is definitely something relaxing about watching ducks frolic in the water. I used to sit in my kayak for hours just watching them, losing total track of time.
I thought the way you introduced the evening and why you went to the pool were very nicely done. Every woman can make that connection with needing a few moments to themselves with children in the house. My only hesitancy in saying it is perfect is the word route...it just doesn't flow for me. Overall, it is a very good poem.
Lyn
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