Hi Rhasperidon,
What an interesting read! I think you did an excellent job portraying a paranoid individual by the use of journal entries.
I would not change a thing, it is convincing as is.
Lyn
I found this an interesting read and sadly so true. We do destroy everything around us with our ignorance. Your old tree knows this is true too.
I lived in Maine for 34 years, and seeing the amount of clear cutting taking place by the paper companies was deplorable. Finally, a law was passed that they had to plant two for each cut but you know as well as I do how long that takes to regrow.
I realize how difficult it was for many Maine residents to find work when the paper companies began to close, but for me it was a godsend our woods would finally have a chance.
I wouldn't change a thing. Good piece here.
Lyn
In the first stanza, the only thing I would consider is adding d to the word suppose. It meets all the criteria for a poem in my opinion.
Interesting twist on good and evil with your Devil on your shoulder.
Life certainly has ups and downs, and we can feel like we are alone.
Well done.
Lyn
One I wanted to congratulate on being published and I can see why after reading your poem.
Excellent! I wouldn't change a thing.
I really like how you added each detail while reminding us that the story was in silent whispers that told the legend of the night. Very creative!
Looking forward to seeing you become more active in BCOF, we hope that you do!
Hi,
Simple and direct are the keys to a successful child's poem, as you certainly know children prefer.
It meets all the criteria for a good poem because it reads out loud well, creates an image, tells a story. Good job.
I wouldn't change anything, I think it is perfect as is.
Lyn
HI Six,
There is definitely something to be said for first day jitters no matter your age, you did a great job summarizing the jittery feelings.
In the fourth line, it would sound better with your instead of you, I'm sure it is probably a typo.
In my opinion: a poem needs to create an image, you were successful.
Line and stanzas build upon each other, success.
Poem is flexible, success.
It also shows a bit of the author's personality as lyric poems do, success!
Good job!
Oliver,
That is indeed a very nice gift to give someone. Whomever it is must be very special.
It flows well as a song or poem, good job.
In the line I'd paint you the sky, you left out the apostrophe in Id. I didn't notice any other typo errors.
Overall, a good piece of work. Congratulations!
Lyn
Thought I would glance at another piece while I was here. You have a knack for poetry.
You've created a very nice visual presentation!
Lines and stanzas do build to a conclusion.
Rhyme works well in this piece.
You involved the reader with the character's emotions.
Good Job!
The criteria for me for a poem is:
Image or visual presentation created when reading, you accomplished that
Lines or stanzas with separate thoughts that create the image, you accomplished that.
Poetry needs to be flexible, and that was accomplished
I also feel you covered the criteria for lyric poetry because I sense your feelings, or state of mind in the conclusion.
Good Job!
The picture works well with the poem.
Circumstances are always difficult when complications arise as your poem addressed. Hope this finds you well!
On the fourth line I am not sure if you meant the landlord dealt a heavy nasty blow instead of felt a heavy nasty blow, the line does not flow well with felt, so you may want to look at it again.
Turning to God helped me very Mich or is it much?
No good for my health or is it not good for my health.
This perdicument should be predicament
I think your poem once you fix the spelling errors has possibilities.
That was a refreshing twist on writers and writing. Very well done.
It flowed very well when read out loud.
It told a story, had a theme and was separated by stanzas
Covers the bases in my mind for a well written poem.
And every writer comes to the table with different experiences which makes writers unique.
I enjoyed reading your entry about Mr. Smythe, as I said in my comment he reminds me of my Grandfather. I felt like I was right there with you watching the old rascal pull his antics.
The story flows well. I wouldn't change anything. It does have lots of potential of going further if you choose.
Snow,
Interesting way to look at each of our individuality, we are indeed diamonds in the rough. Life is the laser edged blade that touches each of us in a different place creating the final work of art. The diamond cutter in the beginning our parents. Cool!
It is very well articulated and flows to the end smoothly.
I believe you captured the loneliness of the seventeen year old very well in the image of the mirror. I enjoyed how we had the opportunity to age with her from the mirror. I think if all of our mirrors could talk, oh what a story they would tell.
I wouldn't change it a thing, it flows very well.
Hi,
We can all relate to that oops I ate to much on turkey day. It is one of my favorite holidays because of all the goodies especially the turkey. I know I can cook it anytime but there is something about Thanksgiving that makes it special
I think it is well written and that adults and children alike will find it enjoyable
Good Job!
Beautifully done. The beginning led me into the light inside the cavern, the middle introduced me to why I wanted to know more and the conclusion gave my curious mind the answer. That to me is everything a well written poem or story needs.
I will admit I had to look up acolyte so I knew the meaning, it is an unusual word in this time frame. Thank you for advancing my vocabulary.
I enjoyed reading your piece, you are indeed very talented.
The images and words flow to a wonderful climatic ending. I enjoyed the word choices in your midsummer dream.
Personally, I wish I had your ability to make the words flow as they do. I know you didn't learn it over night and I am sure you had more than your share of frustrations along the way too. I hope I will master writing beautiful poems as well.
I enjoyed reading each luscious description way too much. I was hungry after and all I could think about was a piece of orange cream filled chocolate. Lucky for me I have none in the house or I may have eaten too many as well.
It was well written! I would not change a thing unless you decided to place pictures to further torment the reader's palette.
Lyn
I wish someone had told me the same thing when I was younger that it is so important to communicate your skill strengths by actual examples. I might have made better choices in my life.
Though I have to admit my first career was because I took the time to follow a bus driver back to his garage so I could speak with him and his supervisor about his driving. The supervisor said, if you think you can do better me here in the morning at 6am. I thought about it all evening, and decided I could do better. I showed up at 5:45 am much to his surprise. Even more I not only learned how to drive bus, not one of the little want a be ones but a full size flat nose which means engine is in cabin area 84 passenger bus, I did it for 31 years.
Was it what I saw myself doing? No, but at the moment I had no idea what I wanted in life. So I did what I loved and driving was it. It also helped I had a good tolerance for noise and I like kids a lot.
I enjoyed reading your blog selection. Thanks for sharing.
Vivian,
I read your piece several times and each time reflected on my own life with my husband. I hadn't considered writing a poem that would pay tribute to us and our time. It was a great inspiration, thanks for sharing.
I think it is perfect the way it is. I would not change a thing.
Robert was a very lucky man!
Hi Connie Ann,
I hadn't considered a blog before but after reading yours I am definitely going to pursue this means of writing daily. I think this might help me get past writers block, fear, I don't know what holds me back. Obviously, writing in a blog works for you, maybe it will me too!
Your quote from Einstein is one of my favorites. Great choice. What I hadn't considered was the suggestions you made to open one's mind to creativity. I especially hadn't considered a visual journal, or creating pictures from pictures in magazines to inspire me. Excellent suggestions. I am really glad I stumbled across your blog. I don't know if I'll concede to Bach but the rest I certainly will give a shot.
Hi,
The thought process is interesting but unfortunately for me when you go from I to he and then back it becomes confusing. If you are in first person and you want to say I then it needs to follow thru. The poem will have clarity. Also, you misspelled confused.
As I said, the poem theme is unique, and you do have the beginning, middle and ending covered very well.
Good effort!
Lyn
I found your story about a bride's jitters engaging. There was no doubt in my mind that the story was only touching on the bits and pieces hence her insecurity and fear that she made a mistake. Some one that has known love before can truly relate to her thought process in the bathroom
I would have introduced Jonathan in the bathroom and then continued with the image of Vera and Jonathan. Maybe just a whimper oh Jonathan it should have been us today. Just food for thought.
Overall I think you did a good job of drawing us into Irina's story.
Lyn
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/elusive4lyn/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/31
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.28 seconds at 5:02am on Jul 31, 2024 via server web1.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
