Hello Silence  !
 Thank you for posting in "Invalid Item"  . Below are my thoughts and opinions on your piece "Poems with limited space" ; I hope you will enjoy reading them and find them helpful as well.
To make this review easier both for you and me, I will separate this into headings that will more or less dissect your story. Let's begin.
Positive Point(s):
 The opening paragraph is captivating. It immediately held my attention.
The plot is intriguing. It has all the classic ingredients of a fantasy/adventure story, with hidden treasures and rough rogues as characters.
I like how Juzo is not all kind and heroic. being all angelic makes a character unbelievable unless the author has credible background information on why they are like that. Here, the character and attitude of Juzo is realistic. Human nature is evident, and that makes him realistic.
In some parts, my imagination conjured these really vivid setting scenes though the help of your descriptions. Well done.
It is nice how you started this off with an action/adventure feel to it, right away. It kept the plot and storyline going strong; it did not drag on and on with info dumps and such.
You placed the background information well, scattering it thoughout the piece.
I like how you changed their way of speaking. It adds authenticity.
Negative Point(s):
There are grammatical/punctuation errors I spotted (they are highlighted below).
Some scenes were rushed and lack transition.
In the latter part, the character is disconnected to what is happening around him because the narration failed to describe his reactions and the dialogue, his thoughts.
The structure of some sentences are incomplete, lacking connectors that should bind them together.
Grammar/Punctuation/Narration/Suggestion(s):
 I took the liberty and highlighted parts which I felt needed your attention. I hope you don't mind, but I added my own revisions and suggestions along with it. I am not an expert on grammar and/or punctuation but I hope my suggestions help you. Please feel free to use any or none of them. 
Up there, where fresh air sang and green grass gathered under the ancient crimson sun, and where neck and neck stubborn trees raced for the heaven, it was nothing similiar to the hollow down here, where Juzo hung like a fish on a line, captured in pitch-black darkness.
You repeated the word neck; maybe it's a typo? Omitting one is suggested. Also, the second underlined word should be heavens since the is placed before it. If you want it to remain as heaven, omit the.
The rogue wiggled on the rope now envious of the air which gracefully fled towards the sky.
This would read better if you add a comma after rope.
It is the times like these that I wish I had stayed a goat herder.
Omit the underlined word.
But then again, I wouldn’t get the sick satisfaction of severing frightened heads and slicing the treacherous veins of cowards and fools.
You know the advice show, don't tell? That is my suggestion in this line. You told the readers, but didn't show. To me, this line is trying too hard to paint a hardcore picture of the character. Try to tone this down a bit.
In the end, really... what is anything worth? He pondered deeply.
Omit the underlined sentence. The paragraph as a whole are the character's thoughts, so you do not have to say 'he thought' or 'he pondered'. It is already understood. Also, when using an ellipsis (...) that is situated in the middle of a sentence, always add a space before and after it.
Juzo couldn't see the wall anymore, only feel it with his outstretching foot.
Either replace the comma with a semi-colon or add but before only.
Juzo was blind in the belly of hell, he didn't know where he was or what he was doing anymore, only that he coudn't descend any further because he was at the end of his 150 meter rope!
I noticed you fail to connect thoughts within a sentence. Adding a comma doesn't cut it in some, like in the underlined part. I think an M-dash (ALT + 0151) will work nicely in that part in replacement of the comma. It doesn't need any space before or after it.
Another issue I want to address is the use of exclamation points. Use them sparingly and only when really needed. In this part, it only made the line too dramatical and that is not good. A period would do just fine here.
Italicize parts you want to stress; don't capitalize it.
Clink, tink, it bounced off the rocky depths in 0.6 seconds he estimated with precision.
The underlined part are sounds. It should not be written that way unless they are italicized to set them apart from narration. Or, you can say It clinked against the rocky depths as it bounced on its surface or something like that.
Giving such a precise estimation of seconds is a little too much for me, atleast in the way you presneted it. I think it is because the sentence is too short, as if you hurried as you wrote it. A little rephrasing is suggested.
Butterflies tingling, he fastened his backpack loops snuggly, and after inhaling a deep breath as if it would be his last, he released his grip and fell swiftly into the darkness, stomach rising to his throat.
This is too long. Dividing it into two sentences is suggested. In my opinion, the first sentence should end after snuggly. Since you do not need a connector anymore, you should omit and.
He hurried to steady himself as the bumpy rocky floor twisted his ankle pulling him towards the stalagmited wall. “Owe!” the spiny wall stabbed his index finger causing droplets of blood to fall to his feet.
Add a comma after ankle and finger. Also, I think the exclamation of hurt should be spelled as Ow.
It was a strange contraption; not lit with naked flame like normal torches, but instead with rapid movement, or transient-friction as Grugo, the loopy chemist called it.
Remove the comma after movement and add a comma after chemist.
Loki was the Rogue Lord, a leader of an army of thieves, but they didn't consider themselves thieves, they were "collectors."
Again, this was a bit hurried. Rephrasing it to something like this will better the read: Loki was the Rogue Lord, a leader of an army of thieves, though they didn't consider themselves as a band of such. Instead, they preferred to be called "collectors."
When Juzo was a tot of nine years old, he stole a goat from his neighbor but he got caught.
Omit the underlined part. You do not need to repeat it.
...always sending Juzo out on crazy quest, expecting him to find gold and magic. Juzo found gold but never found magic. He had never seen magic in that matter.
quest should be quests. In the underlined part, add a comma after magic and replace in with for.
Loki repeated it so many times Juzo unwillingly remembered it by heart,
Too bland. Try this: Juzo knew, for Loki had repeated it so many times that he unwillingly remembered it by heart:
Italicize the prophecy to make a distinction.
A voice echoed loudly from entrance hole, sounding young and whiny.
Add the after from.
“Gobi”, Juzo sneered under his breathed. He yelled in reply, “it’s safe butch ya need a longer rope!”
The comma should be inside the quotation mark. The word breathed should be breath. The underlined part is confusing. I understand it is their way of speaking, but please make that clearer.
It was silent.
What was silent? Did you mean Gobi? If so, it should be Gobi was silent.
Ah, he saw his shuriken laying wedged between two stones.
This just doesn't seem the right phrasing for me. Why write Ah? It is not needed and made the sentence awkward. If you can change it to something like It was his shuriken, laying wedged between two stones. the read would be better.
Where is that coming from?
Be careful with your tenses; do not shift. I believe is should be was in this part.
“Hello, Gobi.” Juzo spoke in a slightly annoyed tone. “Where did ye get that rope?’
This needs to be in another paragraph. I also think the period in the dialogue should be a comma (read what follows the dialogue).
“Help me budge this here stone. It is blocking our entrance into the cave.” Juzo ordered.
If this is how they speak, then that is fine. But, if the phrasing of this dialogue is not intentional, then here should be placed after stone
Juzo beckoned, “I thought you were ready to be a man, but apparently you're still just a boy.” He was keen at pressing buttons.
Expanding this is suggested. This is the perfect opportunity to show the readers how Juzo and his mind works—the little details of his character as well as those of Gobi's. For example, you can say Juzo knew Gobi can be puched to do anything if urged the right way, or something to that effect.
In unison, the two rogues wedged their hands behind the large boulder and with much strain, they rolled the boulder out of the way.
“Be quiet.” Juzo glared. “We don’t wanna awaken any unwelcoming hosts.” What a fool, Juzo thought. If he wasn’t Loki’s son, I would slice his neck right now.
In the opening dialogue, that is the time to use an exclamation point. Also, do not forget to italicize thoughts; it will separate them from narration.
Just forward the domed passageway funneled into a smaller boxy passageway, and five meters inward there looked to be a solid wall.
The read was awkward. Replacing forward with ahead and adding a comma after it will better the flow. I also suggest replacing the second passageway with a synonym.
Instantly, the pebble ricocheted and shot directly at the young-rogues face, he dodged it with a trained sidestep.
In some parts, you fail to give needed details. The underlined part is abrupt and you need to expand it. With the way you phrased this, it makes a sentence all on its own and doesn't read like it's connected to the previosu thought. (Maybe it is better to separate it into another sentence.)
“Ah what dis be?”
Add a comma after Ah.
A meter-thick slab of the left-wall began arising, shaking and humming as it arose inch by inch towards the roof, spewing dust everywhere.
rising, rose
When he did finally, he appeared bewildered; his blue eyes were wide and attentive.
Interchange the postion of did and finally. Replace the sem-colon with a comma.
His anxious eyes darted at where the moving wall once was. Now, visible through the dust, he could see some kind of medal handles lined parallel apart. “I found some secret levers!” Bragged Gobi. He used the torchlight for a closer examination.
Omit at after darted and replace it with to. Also, there is no transition with Gobi being scared to suddenly being all bragging and jumping into investigating. Inserting some more narration before the underlined part, probably about Gobi's sudden emotional change, is suggested.
A scruffy voice spoke from distance.
Add a after from. If this is Juzo speaking, then no need to pertain to him as 'a voice'. It will make the readers think someone else besides him said this.
I find there are too many parts (narration and dialogue) where a comma is missing. I will not highlight all of them and trust you to spot them yourself. After all, I already provided you examples above.
“I can read it too, and it say: When the mountain erupts and the fields are burned, the trees are broken and the heart is yearned, passed the forest and into the sea, a foul beast eats upon your flesh. If that beast is eaten first, and the tree is left unbroken, the mountain shall erupt and the entranceway shall open. What da heck dat suppose to mean?”
Either italicize the 'instructions', or close the dialogue first and then begin it again with Gobu's own words to set the markigns and his actual dialogue. Also, I am under the impression the word passed should be past.
After the last part I highlighted, things happened too quickly. The narration is abrupt and in some parts incomplete. You suddenly sprung into action and described what suddenly happened, but kept the character's thoughts and emotions detached from it all. Was Juzo surprised with the sudden commotion in the cave? What did he felt when he saw Gobi's head crack open? Was he even surprised? There are many questions needing to be answered. The word choice 'wave' was also confusing. It pertains to water, and I think it should not be used since what happened was an earthquake. You could say, though, that 'Juzo rode the waterless waves'.
Last Notes (Suggestions/Explanations)
Focus on how you phrase your sentences. In some parts, they lack connectors. You need to weave them together and not just throw them into one place. Also, I made most of suggestions to better the flow and create a clearer puicture of what you are saying.
Also remember to take your time to write. Don't hurry! Expand parts that need it, but that doesn't mean you have to go on and on either. Show the details, make the reader 'see' your story and make then feel they are a part of it.
I really think this has a lot of potential. For a first chapter, you did pretty well in building up a plot and introducing the character(s). I really wish you the best in writing the next chapters of this work; I know creating a novel is really hard but with patience and the strength to do the edits, you can really make it. So far, polishing this to make it shine is needed but I', sure you have the capability to succeed in doing that.
Write on!
Equilibrium
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . |
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. As you already know, I like figurative poetry more than the literal ones. This falls under the latter, so this is not 'my cup of tea', so to speak.
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Pretty much the same 
But since you got that reaction from me, it just proved that you wrote this well.
That's just awesome; your work just cuts and burns their impression on my heart.