Hi Escape Artist I am here with the review you requested for your novel. I am assuming that the main text body of your book item is the prologue, since the first chapter is in the list below. After reading "Threads in the Tapestry" , I have these comments to offer:
Overall Impression:
The story starts over 200 years ago, in the icy arctic oceans of the north, on a Russian ship called the Albatross. It follows a normal day in the almost-adventurous life of Mikhail, a youth employed in the ship's galley. During a violent storm, the ship is wrecked on unknown shores, and Mikhail alone survives. Semi-conscious, he is apparently dying when he is discovered by a native girl and her father...
Your writing style is excellent and kept me hooked the whole way through. Word-choice is varied and suspenseful, the plot is intriguing and I can feel it building up, and the setting is vividly described. The ending is perfectly ambiguous and exciting, and you have me dying to read more.
Plot & Pace:
The quote at the start promises action and adventure. I haven't yet seen traces of the genres you have placed this book in (Sci-fi, Supernatural, Military) but perhaps you will introduce more of those elements later. So far it is action/adventure, with a touch of mythology/historical fantasy and a hint of mystery and romance. A good mix.
At the beginning you have established a good pace. It doesn't move too slowly, yet you take enough time to put in those extra details that make the story feel 3D. I could feel it building up to something big, but I wasn't sure what and the shipwreck came somewhat unexpected.
I think the shipwreck is the part that could do with more work, especially in those rich details that characterize the narrative up until this point. I didn't feel as involved as I would have liked to be, and it all seemed to happen too quickly; I couldn't really live through it with Mikhail. The shipwreck is the climax of the piece, so why does it only last three paragraphs? :-[ Don't limit yourself!
While writing my most recent novel, I noticed that in the action parts I would get caught up in the suspense and movement, as if from a reader's perspective. So subconsciously I was hurrying through the scene and skipping out important details. It's a common problem that we all face, and you've dipped into it here. Fortunately it's an easy fix: just step back from the scene, picture it in your head in slow motion and take time to flesh out the details.
I will continue in the next section, as my suggestions concern setting more than plot.
One last note concerning plot, before I move on: the girl he sees at the end...somehow it felt a bit cheesy? I hate to say it. Something about her doesn't really fit the story. She seems too...girlish, in a way. I don't know how to explain. It was like she didn't belong in the scene. Her father did, but not her. Give it a thought. Maybe you could introduce her later, or in a different way, and make her seem more than earthly. This could be explained by Mikhail's state of mind. After his near-death experience, I expect he would be looking at life through a very different pair of eyes, however clouded. I can well believe that he would be drunk with fear, pain and relief. Since he seems to imagine she's an angel or afterlife being, he would probably see more than just an olive-skinned girl (maybe "woman" would be a better word?).
Setting & Imagery:
When writing any action scene, it's a good idea to keep a check list in your mind of the five senses: sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch. The more of these you can weave into the fewest words, the better.
You can fill everything with more emotion by showing Mikhail's feelings, his relationship with the other men on the ship and his fear and love for the sea/nature. You can demonstrate some of these things through the smallest hints. Take advantage of action verbs, and use them to describe the senses Mikhail experiences during his ordeal.
Here are some ways you could consider enhancing the reader's awareness of the setting, particularly in and around the shipwreck scene:
When Mikhail went up on deck after Canute gave him the amulets, I couldn't see anything. I wasn't sure how big the Albatross was, how many of the crew were on deck, what they looked like, what they wore and what they were doing. I didn't feel the scene connect with Mikhail and I, the reader.
I didn't feel the sting of salt in my face or hear the agonized groans of the creaking ship as it rose on the crest of the waves and dropped into their bowels. I want to see the captain: who is he, what does he look like, how well does Mikhail know him/what is their relationship, what is he like, and how does he die in the end? Does Mikhail see him go down with the ship?
All I know when the ship is wrecked is that Mikhail is standing at the rail looking at the captain. I didn't see what caused the ship to sink. A large wave seemed to crash it into the rocks. I want to see the carnage it caused. Did the mast break? Did the rocks smash the side of the ship, the bottom? I want to see the terror on the crews' faces, the knowledge that they are done for. Were they also clinging to things for their lives?
Apart from him having the good fortune of being your protagonist, I don't understand why Mikhail survived and no one else did. Explain the factors that kept him alive. Perhaps he was lucky, or smart, or strong, or all of the above. Was it his position on the ship and his swimming ability alone that helped him survive?
It seems unfair that you kill off the entire crew in just a sentence! At least give them some screams and pale faces and flailing arms as they grasp for anything to stay afloat. Maybe Mikhail sees their faces as they drown, maybe he tries to help one of them stay above water or maybe he understands that it's now every man for himself. Whatever it is, be specific.
Which leads me to my last note: Give him specific injuries. It makes the situation more real and believable. As he falls from the ship, a wave slams him against it and crushes his shoulder, or throws him at some rocks and he hits his head, or he kicks a rock on the bottom and breaks his toe. Then when he is lying there, the pain comes from that specific place, not just out of exhaustion.
In praise of your writing, I would like to say that I am impressed by the atmosphere you have created through your choice of words. It is adventurous, a little dark and suspenseful, and reminds me of authors like Robert Louis Stevenson and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
Also, mention of the legendary Valkyrie has raised my curiosity. I wonder if Canute's superstitions has something to it? I look forward to finding out...
Characters:
Already, Mikhail is a vivid and promising character. He demonstrates qualities such as compassion, eagerness to learn and willingness to work hard. His background story is so far unknown. He has a family and seems to be from the lower class, although, contradictorily, his ability to read and write suggests a more superior education (this didn't quite make sense to me, but maybe it will be made clearer later?). He seems to have a scholarly/literary streak, since very few sailors from that era would keep a journal unless they were a captain keeping a log.
I like it how in such a short time you introduce four different characters: Mikhail, Olin, Canute and the captain. You don't introduce them too quickly and they each show a different aspect of ship life. It also shows Mikhail's interaction with other members of the crew and gives him the opportunity to prove his character to the reader.
I would like to see more of Mikhail's relationship with the captain. If they get on well together, or at least aren't on hostile terms (which it seems they do, since Mikhail volunteered to take him the last of the tea), it can be shown more: maybe the captain's eyes meet his for a moment and they exchange a smile, or maybe Mikhail is anxious to see the captain worried about the storm, or perhaps Mikhail admires the captain's courage in standing firm when the rest of the crew's morale is failing. And I would like to know the captain's name. There are many mentions of "the captain", but none of his name.
Also, I thought when Mikhail goes to serve the meal in the mess, there is a good opportunity to show more character interaction and bring in more dialogue, an opportunity which you haven't yet taken...which you need to! :-[
I like Olin. He has a gruff kind of appeal, and even if he's ugly and smells, he treats Mikhail well.
Grammar & Wording:
I think you are close to mastering the "show don't tell" rule, at least in the first half of the chapter. You use a lot of strong words that keep the narrative dynamic. Beware of overdoing it, though. :-[ There is a point where the more advanced words become too much too often. You have a pretty good balance, though, and I'm sure you'll get better with experience.
You mentioned in your note that grammar is your weakness. I have heard so many writers say this, so don't worry: editors are editors for a reason. And I think you are doing fine, from what I have read so far. Fortunately or unfortunately, I am a stickler for grammar, so I will point out any errors I notice (trust me, they are few and far between ~ your writing style is excellent).
I'm not sure why your dialogue is in italics. Italics are for placing stress. Only quotation marks are needed to indicate speech, so I think the italics can be taken away.
the ships every motion ships (plural of "ship") should be ship's (possessive pronoun, as in, "belonging to the ship").
there distressed fibers there (adverb, indicating a place or position) should be their (possessive pronoun, as in "belonging to them").
sang to him...a siren song Use of "sang" and "song" in the same sentence (different forms of the same word) is distracting. I think "song" could be removed altogether, since it clutters the sentence a little and "siren" would do fine on its own. Try not to use words that just repeat something that has already been said. Otherwise, you could replace "sang" with a more descriptive word, such as "moaned" or "whined", or if you want to keep it you could replace "song" with "dirge", "strain" or song, in its different form, is distracting and could be adjusted to something like to add descriptive impact.
the bubbling broth splashed over the sides of the heavy iron cauldron adding to a thick, oil-slicked puddle Add comma after "cauldron", since it is the bubbling broth adding to the puddle, not the iron cauldron.
Of the original 49 strong crewmembers who signed on for the westward journey from Okhotsk more than three months past, just 41 remain. crewmembers isn't a word. It should be crew members instead. Also, I think you should remove the word just, since there isn't a great difference between the numbers 49 and 41, as "just" implies.
This morning I overheard the captain say the storm was pushing them northeast at last and he was sure they were approaching a large group of islands off the Southeast Alaskan mainland. them should probably be us, since they are all on the same boat.
He never leaves the wheel it seems. Place comma after wheel
“I will take some food topside now, Mikhail said... Is there any herb tea left?" Place a closing quotation mark after now, and place an opening quotation mark before Is. This problem (lack of quotation marks) appears to be reoccurring. Watch out for it.
They said nothing, each eager to traverse an atmosphere ripe with the stench of death. This line implies that they want to be in an atmosphere ripe with the stench of death. Consider replacing traverse with something like put behind them.
An tiny oil lamp An (the form of A used before words beginning with a vowel sound) should be A (since tiny doesn't begin with a vowel sound).
“Heed my warning well Mikhail Ivanov. You must sway the captain to turn back. We have wandered into the sea of Charybdis and will soon parish at the hands of the Valkyries. Pray to the gods Mikhail,
Mikhail shrugged off Canute’s childish superstitions... The word childish seems wrong here. I'm not sure if Mikhail would feel that way, especially towards an elder, and superstitions, however stupid they sound, ring an anxious note in all of us. Perhaps you could adjust the sentence to something like: Mikhail nervously shrugged off Canute's doubtful superstitions...
“Gods.” he whispered, “I should have known.” This should be “Gods,” he whispered. “I should have known.”
Mikhail shrugged off the warnings Repetition of the phrase shrugged off is distracting (you used it a few sentences previously). Try to keep to your fresh writing quality, with its variety in words, phrases and sentence structure.
the Albatross When writing the name of a ship, use italics, i.e. the HMS Queen Mary, the Albatross.
the huddling crew. huddling seems like the wrong word here. I can imagine the deck as a flurry of activity. I can't imagine the crew standing in a corner huddled together. Perhaps you could describe their movements in more detail.
Mikhail turned in panic, waving at the captain who was already straining hard to starboard on the tiller, but there was no time. A huge breaking wave lifted the wallowing brig then shoved it mightily on a forest of jagged pinnacles. Use shorter sentences in action scenes, when you want the pace to move quickly, and fill them with fast-moving words: Mikhail turned in panic, his arms flailing wildly as he waved at the captain. The captain was already straining hard to starboard on the tiller. But there was no time. A huge breaking wave lifted the wallowing brig. For a moment it seem to hang, suspended in limbo between sea and sky. Then with overwhelming force, it shoved the Albatross down with a spine-jarring crunch on a forest of jagged pinnacles.
He coaxed his exhausted body out of the deadly sea crawling hand-over-hand. He coaxed his exhausted body out of the deadly sea, crawling hand-over-hand.
Nothing moved. Could such a sudden change possibly come over the sea? I find it impossible to believe. To make it more plausible, explain this abrupt and unexpected sentence. Did it simply appear still and surreal to Mikhail after what he had been through? Or did the waves disperse back to the sea? Or do you mean the bodies weren't moving, that there wasn't any sign of life?
Shaking uncontrollably, Mikhail’s hands and feet were numb, his legs felt like heavy clubs. Do you mean Mikhail was shaking uncontrollably, or his hands and feet were? To clarify, consider adjusting to something like this: Shaking uncontrollably, Mikhail examined his broken and bloodied body. With numb hands, he reached down to check if his legs were still there. They felt like heavy clubs.
an unmistakable feminine face. The girl was olive skinned. should be an unmistakably feminine face. The girl was olive-skinned.
Okay, sorry if it's a bit of an overload. But like I said, I'm a stickler for grammar. :-[
Favourite Lines:
He knew every grease-covered inch, every soot-lined crack, and every tar-soaked cranny. Nice description! It's certainly a unique way of saying every nook and cranny.
He could close his eyes and run the swinging gauntlet of pot metal and copper with ease... Love it! Shows his mastery in the galley, and the "swinging gauntlet" is a great description.
As miserable and squalid as a sailor’s life may have seemed to a sod-busting sharecropper back home in Russia... A wealth of good words, all adding to the plot, setting and character of Mikhail's story, word and personality.
Adventure greeted him with each new dawn. He was born on the water, and he would likely die somewhere on its vastness. You really bring out Mikhail's life expectations here; it adds depth to his character as well as to the setting (and plot).
Stormy or becalmed, it was a life of constant motion. I like these little glimpses into his life, and your language is very poetic.
Belief in an afterlife was all some of the men had left. I like this line because it shows Mikhail's compassion for his shipmates. However rough and seasoned these men are, he has a deeply rooted respect for them. This reflects on his own character, as well, making him more likable to the reader.
The girl beamed from within her silent world. Very lyrical.
Conclusion:
This novel definitely has potential. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read and review part of your novel. I look forward to R&Ring more. I hope you find my suggestions useful and catch an insight into your work through a reader's eyes. Remember, this review is just my opinion as a reader and writer. I don't promote selective hearing , but ultimately it's your decision what to keep and throw away in the best interests of your novel.
Best wishes for the new year...and any and all editing you choose to do in the future!
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WRITE ON!
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