Greetings, Angels in my Ear I am here with a review of your poem, "Superhuman" , as part of the package you won in "Genre Auction and Fundraiser" Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader, writer and poet, and are offered in respect for your work, with the intention of encouragement and constructive feedback.
Overall: I like it how sound and light merge in this poem to create an expansive experience for the senses, while at the same time you provoke the reader's mind to deeper thought. The details of the scene that you share reflect a message of how diversity can come together in unity and create something great. I could relate to what you were saying, as I have often experienced what it's like to be in a group or team or crowd, in friendship or for a purpose, for entertainment or education, and I enjoy the togetherness and spirit of a close group setting.
Overall, I see a poem of angles ~ including things like sound, light, music, vision, diversity and unity. The message is clear and original and rings true, that in order to find the superhuman-ness we idolize in our fictional superheroes, we must become superhuman by transforming ourselves into something more than human ~ by becoming plural: humans.
Content & Conventions: I hadn't thought of it this way, but now that you put it into words it makes sense. Unity makes us great. Music gives us a voice. If we can come together with one, just one, thing in common, then the world is a better place. It's an interesting and uplifting message.
Motion & Emotion: I think I have already covered everything concerning emotion. I felt what you were saying, and the poem moves well, lines flowing with the stanzas. Although in the structure department, I'm not so sure. The abcb form seems slightly...clunky, and I feel like you could do so much more with the poem if you expanded into a less conventional structure. It's an artistic interpretation, I suppose, but I feel like each stanza needs an extra line or two, like an echo or a wider space to play with more unique or rousing words. Your ideas are well developed and I wouldn't change anything in the current body of the poem, but I wouldn't hesitate to recommend adding. Think echoes. Vibrancy. I mean, what if, for instance, you tried something like this:
Immersed in waves of power,
Surrounded by noise and light,
Rhythms pulsating,
Spotlights undulating
I no longer feel invisible,
I sing with the crowd, I unite.
It's not amazing, I know, and of course you could come up with something much better and fitting the voice of the poem, but I'm trying to give you an idea of what I'm saying. Have a think about it and don't be afraid to experiment a little.
Quirks & Qualities: My favourite stanza is the second one, especially with the line, "I feel greatness in the air". And I like the last line as well. Little pockets of perfection.
Suggestions: Apart from what I mentioned before about expanding, the only suggestion I have is (yeah, kinda predictable ): the rhythm is a little iffy in places and it wouldn't hurt to run over it a few times with your editing pen, marking where you want the stresses to land and adding or removing syllables wherever required.
Conclusion: Well, it has been fun, interesting and inspiring reading and appraising your work. I hope you've found my feedback helpful. I'm glad I got this opportunity to spend time in the portfolio of one of my favourite WdCers. Once again your pen has reassured me of your poetic merits. :-[ And I have a wee not-so-surprise on its way, but equally-well-deserved. :-[ Keep up the fabulous work, Aundria!
Fi
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