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718 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
The purpose of my reviews is always to be as helpful as possible. I can't promise that I'll like what you have written or that you'll like what I have to say, but I try to be respectful and encouraging as well as critical.
I'm good at...
Unless otherwise requested, I'm picky (grammar, cliches, and meter in poetry). Characters and writing style take a lot to impress me.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi (apocalypse, post-apocalypse, dystopian, zombie), mystery, war, inspirational, historical fiction, Christian, non-fiction, contemporary, drama, comedy
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, short stories, non-fiction, novels
I will not review...
Erotica, gay/lesbian, fan-fiction
Public Reviews
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126
126
Review of Have You Heard?  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Umbrellar* A Showering Acts of Joy Review *Umbrellav*

as part of your sh*Burstb*wer from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.!

 Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*

*Umbrellar* Hi Vivian Author IconMail Icon! This review comes from over at the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. The title of this short story caught my eye, so here I am. *Smile*

*Umbrellab* After reading "Have You Heard?" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: This was an enjoyable read, funny as well. It took a while to get started, but it was great once it warmed up and we got the ball rolling. The story centres around a harmless prank and a deeper cause for revenge, and the characters are mostly realistic.

Somehow I think you could cut down on length, for such a small plot. I sort of wanted Carrie and Yolena to get on with their conversation and stop heating coffee, if you know what I mean! *Laugh*

The end doesn't quite pull off, for me. Wayne's response to the situation seems a bit false. Why would he turn so quickly on Dawn and come so naturally to the conclusion that she invented all those lies about his girlfriend? I needed a bit more convincing than him. And being so changeable and gullible, who would want him for a boyfriend anyway?

Grammar is mostly good. I only noticed one or two typos, which I will point out in a moment.

I think a weakness that could get you down is over-describing sometimes. Some of the sentences were so detailed that I had to read them twice to take it all in. Especially the first sentence of the story. Split that in two to make it nice and punchy. Descriptions can always come later, and it's important to keep your opening sentence short and captivating.

“Ummm … you make it like how I like it.” *Right* Repetition of word "like". Replace the first "like" with the word "how".

Yolena tried to vanished vanish into the cushions. *Right* Simple typo. Should be present tense instead of past tense.

Dawn flopped her hands, screeching, “Get if off me. me! Get it off me. me!” *Right* I think these sentences are in need of exclamation marks, as she's screeching.

After introducing her great-uncle and Wayne... *Right* Isn't a mother's brother an uncle, not a great-uncle?


I hope you find my comments helpful. Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of reading and reviewing. *Star* Keep up the great work!

*Umbrellav* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Umbrellap* WRITE ON! *Umbrellap*
Always write, even when your pen is dry and there is no paper.

"I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul will make its boast in the LORD;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.
O magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together."
~ Psalm 34:1 - 3


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
127
127
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Umbrellar* A Showering Acts of Joy Review *Umbrellav*

as part of your sh*Burstb*wer from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.!

 Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*

*Umbrellar* Hi Jeannie🌺 Author IconMail Icon! This review comes from over at the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

*Umbrellab* After reading "The Proposition " Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: This story is promising. You've used an idea and created a scary story woven in mystery. But there's still some work to do, and I can offer some helpful suggestions for improvement.

First let me say I'm not a great fan of horror and vampires and all that, but I'm fond of a good scare every now and then.

I have two primary reactions after reading this story, which I will expand on in a moment: 1) There needs to be more detail, more "show don't tell," and, 2) it should be creepier.

At the moment, I feel you have the skeleton of the story, but it needs filling in. More description might help. Don't be afraid of exceeding a word limit ~ a good writer can always make the reader forget length. (If you do want to cut it down, I thought the first scene is a bit irrelevant. You could also almost entirely cut the character Jennifer, as we never find out who she actually is and how she relates to the story; and begin the story with Elaina on her front doorstep. It might be scarier if she just found this guy in her house.)

This leads me on to the second point. Stories are always better with less and blood and gore and more creepiness. We know Dracula and the Angel of Death don't exist, that they're clichéd and mythical beings, and it would take a whole novel to convince the reader of their existence. In a short story, one doesn't have enough space to go into detail about how these beings came to exist. The reader wants to laugh off the silliness of it all instead of being scared out of their wits.

Which gives you the creeps ~ blood and bodies and screaming, or at home alone on a cold, windy night? In most cases, the latter is scarier because it's real, common, and the reader is more likely to freak out next time they're home alone.

Anyway, to get back on track... *Smile*

The parties are great. They're the core of your story and the force behind our apprehension as we read. What will happen at the next party? What about the last one? However, they don't quite lead up to the end as I expected they would. Perhaps the suspense would be stronger if something ominous happened at each. Otherwise, they are almost irrelevant to the plot.

The first scene with Leviathan is confusing. One moment, Elaina is confused, the next moment she's pleading, then she's taken aback, then she's demanding, then she's playing along, then she's being gullible, then she's afraid, then she's tempted to give him a karate chop, then she's glaring at him, then she's puzzled. Certainly I can imagine a lot of mixed emotions in a scene like this, but she needs to be realistic and maybe a bit steadier. Pick her primary reaction and bring it out over the others. Explain all of her mood swings, or tame them down a bit.

The bit where Elaina has to sleep with Dracula really put me off, not in the right way. The scene seems to contradict the whole tone of the narrative. I imagine it would be a pretty horrific experience, and it could almost work as the climax, but it passed within a few sentences, leaving me wondering what the whole point of the piece was.

I would love to know a little more about Leviathan. He appears suddenly at the beginning and disappears at the end without explanation. Either it should lend to the mystery and leave the reader wondering, or resolve with a bit more explanation. At the moment it's kind of in between. I still want to know who he is, if he worked for Dracula or whatever, and why did he give Elaina a million dollars for going to the parties? What is his motive, his gain?

And at the end, I'd love to know how Elaina felt. Wouldn't there be permanent psychological damage after what she went through? I feel she's a bit "used and abused". Make it clear that her life doesn't begin and end with this story. Hint at a life outside the bounds of your words. Was the million-dollar reward worth it? What does she plan to do with it?

Take a moment to polish up the grammar in this story (don't we love our grammar... *Pthb*). Here's a few suggestions (my edits in lblue):

I turned my collar up to stem the shiver; shiver. I didn’t like this short cut, especially on a breezy, moonless nights. But Jennifer said to hurry. I hope this isn’t hoped this wasn't another of her frivolous antics. *Right* Replace the semicolon after "shiver" with a full stop. It will make a more gripping beginning. Remove the word "a" because "breezy, moonless nights" is plural. "hope this isn't" should probably be "hoped this wasn't", or italicize to indicate a thought process. The sudden swing from past tense to present tense is distracting – it follows into the next two sentences as well. Watch out for your verb tenses, as I noticed it switches in several places. The easiest fix for this perhaps is to italicize and add "I thought".

“What! Who are you? How do you know my name?” I asked, taken aback. *Right* Jennifer just introduced them, so he would naturally know her name.

Was this a joke? I’ll play along and see where this goes. *Right* This seems a bit of a strange reaction. If I were Elaina, I would be like, "Tell me who the hell you are or get out of my home!" And I would slap him if he got in my way and turn on the lights. If he didn't get out or explain himself quickly, I'd then call the cops. Elaina needs some common sense that makes the reader relate to her.

"Simply put, you’ll lose your soul! soul." *Right* The exclamation mark seems out of place here, as he is apparently speaking quietly and calmly (the "simply put" also indicates this). Also, watch out for your exclamation marks. There are a lot of them, particularly in this part of the story, and they're distracting.

I needed some assurance as to about what’s going on. *Right* "as to" is a very stiff, awkward phrase which can be simply replaced with "about" or, on more formal occasions, "concerning".

“The last two parties are given by MY my friends... *Right* Avoid capitals at all costs. To stress a word, merely italicize.

Watch out for your dialogue punctuation. Sometimes dialogue is incorrectly opened or closed. It's an easy mistake to make. For more about punctuating dialogue see http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writingexercise...


These are a few grammar suggestions, but I think it would be best for you to go through and correct your errors. You can use a spell/grammar check, too. There are a lot of them on the internet that not only check spelling but also note incorrect grammar.

I hope you find my comments useful. *Thumbsup* Thank you for sharing and allowing me the pleasure of reading and reviewing. I have enjoyed spending time in your port, and wish you all the best with your writing in the future. *Star* Keep up the great work!

~ Kasia
*Umbrellav* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Umbrellap* WRITE ON! *Umbrellap*
Always write, even when your pen is dry and there is no paper.

"I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul will make its boast in the LORD;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.
O magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together."
~ Psalm 34:1 - 3


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
128
128
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Reading* A Review from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. *Quill*

affiliated with "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.


Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*

Hi WilliamMcGonagall Author IconMail Icon! This review comes from over at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. in answer to your request.

*Reading* After reading "The Social Contract, Chapter 0.5" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: I really like your style of writing. Your voice is no-nonsense and funny, with some hilarious metaphors and a lively way of relating to the reader. From the first gripping sentence, this story is captivating. *Thumbsup* The characters are realistic and interesting, and the friendship between Abraham and Tyler is a unique way of tying two characters together and throwing them in the deep end. As a chapter, it is a great beginning. It sets the scene and promises a reason for these two guys to need each other’s help. “The Social Contract” has great potential, and I look forward to reading more.

Your grammar is excellent. I was able to sit back and enjoy the first read without cringing over errors and typos. One suggestion is to begin each new paragraph two spaces down, as it looks fresh, less cluttered and feels easier to read. Also, this is quite a long chapter to post on Writing.Com. Many folks don’t want to read a very long piece, so you may get more reads if you chopped it in two. However, this is just while it’s on the site. The length of the chapter is fine for a book.

To be honest, there’s not much I feel I can help with. Although there’s always room for improvement, I think you’ve raised this chapter to a pretty high standard. I enjoyed just sitting back to read this, rather than drawing my sword of critiquing and plunging in for the battle. *Smile* As I said before, I really love your dry, captivating writing style. I haven’t come across any other voice quite like it, and would like to encourage you to work on it – never try to copy anyone else’s voice, as this can ruin your own. I look forward to reading Chapter 2. *Star*

Thank you for sharing and giving me the pleasure of reading and reviewing. I wish you all the best in every future writing endeavour. *Star* Keep up the great work!

~ Kasia
*Quill* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Quill* WRITE ON! *Reading*

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
129
129
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*

Hi J.W. Knight Author IconMail Icon! Here's the review you requested. *Smile*

*Umbrellab* After reading "Elizabeth's Portrait ((Part 1))" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: A bit of a clichéd plot, but with a unique twist. I like how Elizabeth’s fate is bound to that of the painting. As you admit, the form of the narrative is a bit choppy and detached. It begins in the present and skips back and forth between the last few centuries, including 1500s, 1600s and early 1900s. That’s a lot of time to cover, but I think you’ve done pretty well with it. A few edits and a few touch-ups should smooth it over nicely. *Thumbsup*

But for now there’s room for improvement, so let me be honest with you. *Smile*

I would love to see more focus on the scene where the painting is nearly destroyed. That seems to be the climax, and everything else is either a build-up or an after-thought. I want to be tense, on the edge of my seat, holding my breath. I felt that was breezed over a bit too much, and then there’s a lot of focus on the fact that she lives forever – or at least as long as the painting. Sure, it’s good, but don’t let that outweigh the story itself.

Choosing an existing character from a famous author’s famous books is a very challenging idea, one I admit I’d be too afraid to try. Sherlock Holmes is a big fish to tackle, so you have to be really careful when using him in your story. At the moment he falls a bit short of the Sherlock Holmes we all know – either try not to portray his character at all, or study Doyle’s stories until you’re sure you have a pretty good handle on him. For one, I don’t think he’d be constantly calling Adler “my dear” and “my dear woman”. That one is reserved for Watson, my dear Watson. *Wink*

This leads me on to another point. I don’t find the dialogue very convincing. It can be very difficult to capture the spirit of conversation from the past. Communication alters with every passing century, with every decade. Fads come and go, words come in and out of fashion, ways of expressing oneself are constantly changing. This is the worst dilemma of historical fiction. A character from a few hundred years ago speaks like a contemporary ignoramus. Merely opening a Brontë, Charles Dickens or Jane Austen novel can guide us into the ways of folk back in the 1700-1800s. And there are certain things not mentioned or spoken of, taboo topics. Avoid these as they would have avoided them.

I cannot imagine Adler pleading with every person she comes across to call her by her first name! She would not consider it too formal, as we would today. Neither would they call her “Ms. Adler”, as that term was not around then. She would be “Miss Adler”. Holmes might be the only exception, but I don’t think so. In Doyle’s stories, he always refers to her as “Miss Adler”, etc., not the more familiar title “Elizabeth”. She also seems very proud, and would revel in Holmes showing her respect.

I just couldn’t bring myself to believe Elizabeth climbing into bed with a random painter she'd only known for a week. I think that’s taking it too far. That sort of thing just didn’t happen back then, not like that. Perhaps you could develop it more as a romance between them, which ends tragically with his death or something. I felt I wanted to know more, and was a bit disappointed when you didn’t go back or continue from the painting scene. What was her position? Why was she living in the Tower?

Also, I feel there should be more about the painting, as it is, almost literally, her fate. The trial scene diverted from this and seemed a bit unnecessary. How did the bad guys end up with the painting? Where did it go after Sherlock Holmes agreed to look after it? Did she see it again, or did it disappear forever?

A suggestion for the ending: instead of finishing with Sherlock Holmes, I’d bring it forward to the present again. Maybe you could save her long reminisce until the end, for that purpose?

All that said, I couldn’t blame you for these little slip-ups. Historical fiction is very difficult to write, and so is fan-fiction. I congratulate you on doing so well as you have.

I’ll briefly touch on grammar before I close.

Grammar is excellent and I only noted a few mistakes.

"Well, we really need to get off of here." *Right* “off of” should be just “off”. This is a common mistake in American writing, just because it is used in everyday speech. But it is incorrect. Don’t use double prepositions (off, of) when one will do.

"Hard to forget the only woman whom has bested one as great as I." *Right* “whom” should be “who”. Just think “who=he/she, whom=him/her”.

"I'm in search of a portrait. It is one of me. In your research of me I had hoped that perhaps you have seen it?" *Right* “of me” is unnecessary and feels strange. I would suggest omitting it entirely.

"I can't say that I've ran across it… *Right* Should be “I’ve run” or “I ran”. I’m more inclined towards the former.

”…What can YOU do for us?" *Right* Avoid capitalizing whole words in formal writing. It is an internet fad that is equivalent to shouting. Instead, italicise it. Same goes for ”You will leave here, NOW!”

It not only looked like a thousand deaths had taken me over, it looked more like a few million deaths had overcome me. *Right* This sentence doesn’t make sense to me. It seems to repeat itself. I wasn’t quite sure what you’re getting at.

*Noteb* One last thing: paintings, especially good paintings, too much longer than a week to finish! Some took from six weeks up to one year, or even many years.


Don't be discouraged by all these suggestions I am offering. It doesn't mean your story is no good. I believe that as long as a writer loves writing, as long as they enjoy reading the words they produce, they have potential, no matter what anyone says (even me – feel free to disregard any of my comments *Smile*). As for talent, that may take time to reveal itself. So be patient in the meantime and never give up your dreams!

Thank you for sharing and allowing me the pleasure of reading and reviewing. I have thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Here's to your future and your hopes – may they be sure and happy! Keep up the great work and always write on. *Sun*

~ Kasia
*Quill* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Quill* WRITE ON! *Reading*

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
130
130
Review of Chapter One  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*

Hi Sugarbear *Thanks Anonymous!* Author IconMail Icon! My challenge is to review longer pieces, novels and chapters, so with the help of the search engine, here I am. *Smile*

*Reading* After reading "Chapter One" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: Although not much happens in this chapter, and I'm a fan of action, I like your style. I believe you have talent, and this is promising. I think my rating is more based on this than the story itself, as it's difficult to determine the quality of a novel/book by its first chapter, let alone its cover!

I love atmosphere of this chapter. The taste is haunted, hurried, fearful. The fear in your character Leonard spills easily into the reader. I was on the edge of my seat with suspense, even though not much is happening. I still don’t really understand what is going on, what Leonard is afraid of, where he is, why he’s there, etc., and this can be frustrating to a reader. However, I think you carried us through quite well. I would really like to read the second chapter, if/when you upload it.

I love your descriptions and the imagery you evoke, particularly in this line: It had been a muted rustling, the kind often made by tiny animals scurrying through a bush to escape a larger threat. *Right* Oooh, that’s just scary. You should enter this in a horror competition. I was wetting myself at that point, even though I didn’t know what I was supposed to be afraid of! *Pthb*

At first I thought there is an overdose of adverbs and adjectives, especially in the first two phrases, but as I read on I warmed to your style, and I think I like it just the way it is. *Thumbsup*

Beware of overuse of adverbs. Like I said before, I think you have mastered it in this chapter, but keep it in mind as you continue to write the story. It is your strength, but it could become a weakness. scurried, hastily, escape, accusing, expose, upend, spotless, quiet, alert, justice, searching, icy, rippled, thinning, surged, heavily are all very strong words, and you use them all in only a few sentences.

Grammar & Typos:

Grammar is mostly good. Excellent phrasing (anyone with good phrasing instantly wins my respect). I only noticed a few typos, etc.

lamppost bulbs is a real mouthful. I was like lafliblya. (Not really, but you know what I mean. *Smile*)

…his natural fear of strangers (one he developed as a lonely child,) he walked past the man in the seat. *Right* Comma after “child” should be after the bracket: …as a lonely child), he walked…

He opened his mouth, but stopped with a short breath, a collected himself. *Right* Should be “and collected himself”.


I hope you find these comments helpful. Thank you for the pleasure of reading and reviewing your well-written first chapter. I look forward to reading more. Good luck with your story! *Star*

~ Kasia
*Quill* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Quill* WRITE ON! *Reading*

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
131
131
Review of Crimson Teardrops  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Umbrellar* A Showering Acts of Joy Review *Umbrellav*

as part of your sh*Burstb*wer from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.!

 Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*

Hi ~WhoMe???~ Author IconMail Icon! This review comes from over at the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

*Umbrellab* After reading "Crimson Teardrops" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: A powerful, beautiful, heart-wrenching poem. Excellently written. When glancing at the form, I thought it was free verse, but I was delightfully surprised to discover the lyrical rhyming as I read.

What more can I say? Almost perfect, but I will break my resolution, that no item on Writing.Com could be perfect, resolve I have rarely broken, and rate this poem 5 stars.

Excellent imagery and the emotion is impacting. You are the voice of these children who suffer from the hands of those who should protect, nurture and love them. You continue to write for their sake, be their voice and God bless you for it.

Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of reading and writing. This poem definitely deserves its two awardicons. *Star* Keep up the great work and always write on!

~ Kasia
*Umbrellav* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Umbrellap* WRITE ON! *Umbrellap*

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
132
132
Review of The Face of Evil  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*


Hi onsafari Author IconMail Icon! I have decided to try reviewing novels, so here I am. *Reading*

*Quill* After reading "The Face of Evil" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: In the beginning of this chapter I felt a bit thrown into it. I didn’t really understand what was happening until about halfway through. Even then, I think you could afford more description in this. Especially if you are setting the scene. Explain more, give your character a name and thoughts and fears. Who are these guys and what are they doing? Who is she? Who is Ethan? Obviously you will answer some of these questions in the next chapter, but you can afford to expand a lot, as this is a chapter. Chapters can be up to many pages, but three is the average. You can always split your chapters when you post them on WdC so they are easier to read in short portions.

Beware of an overdose on adverbs: “wet”, “clinging”, “heavy”, “miserable”, “sodden”, “relentlessly”, “huddled”, “hanging” are all very strong adverbs or adjectives and within the first two sentences.

Grammar & Typos:

Grammar is pretty good, but you slipped up a few times, especially with closing dialogue.

“Please don’t do this.” I whispered to him. *Right* Replace full stop after “this” with comma.

Fear cut through me like an iron plow blade biting deep into spring soil. *Right* This second part of the sentence seems unnecessary, a bit excessive. It might work to cut it out altogether.

Gods’ name *Right* Should be God’s name

I watched as his horse shifted nervously and took a step backward but he did not release the pressure of the bit. *Right* Insert comma after “backward”.

“I told you to keep your head down, girl.” He said in his soft lisping way. *Right* Replace full stop after “girl” with comma.

“You been warned.” he said… *Right* Again, replace full stop after “warned” with comma.

“Yes Sir” I replied… *Right* Insert comma after “yes” and “sir”.

“We got a right to do this.” He stated piously. *Right* Replace full stop after “this” with comma. Same applies with
         *Bullet*“Let her go, Sullivan.” Nathan’s voice was rough and dry…
         *Bullet*“Shut up, Nate.” I said.
         *Bullet*”…I’ll tell you where Ethan is.” Nate bargained.
         *Bullet*”You can’t Nate.” *Right* Insert comma after “can’t”

…were hung for their Mother’s sins. *Right* Replace full stop after “sins” with question mark.

The suspense is excellent, however, and I look forward to reading more. Hurry up with the second chapter, will you?! *Laugh* Thank you for allowing me to read and review "The Face of Evil" Open in new Window.. I have enjoyed the pleasure. Keep up the great work! *Star*

~ Kasia
*Quill* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Quill* WRITE ON! *Reading*

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
133
133
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*

Hi Beth Barnett Author IconMail Icon! I decided to try reviewing novels and novel outlines, so here I am.

*Umbrellab* After reading "Beautiful Deception" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: I can see that this isn’t as much a short story as it is a novel or novella outline. I think this could really work as a romantic comedy. You have some unique ideas here, and although a little unrealistic, aren’t comedies unrealistic?

Your plot takes a while to kick in. I thought Mike and Jacob were the protagonists and that the plot is about them saving Tyra. But then in comes Craig and this absurdly funny plot of posing as a married couple. (Which is great, by the way – love your plot.)

I wasn’t quite so sure about Tyra, who she was and what she was doing. Her character seemed to contradict itself several times in the story, which made her hard to relate to. On one hand she seemed a spoilt, rich, “daddy’s girl”, and on the other hand an independent business-like professional. Then sometimes there appears an adventurous, fun-loving spirit, which doesn’t seem to suit either of these alter egos. Either way, it seems, she’s a bit unrealistic. So I suggest working on her character some more and clarifying in the actual manuscript. Bring out lots of character in Tyra and Craig that adds to the plot and enjoyment of the reader instead of subtracting from it.

There are a few unrealistic bits in this, but they are small I think they’ll be easy to straighten out.

Why would Mike take Tyra to his friend’s place instead of Jacob’s place (he is a doctor, right?), to the hospital or to the police station for protection? And wouldn’t Tyra’s father welcome her back? Wouldn’t he be concerned for her?

That Craig would go to that much trouble to convince his parents he is married is a bit much. We need more reason to relate with him. Four days isn’t long, and matchmaking isn’t all that bad to put up with. Besides, after breaking up with his wife, I don’t think Craig would have the heart for it. Wouldn’t his parents be a bit sympathetic anyway?

I found myself doubting Tyra’s decision to act the wife for Craig. This seems to go against her personality. I for one would be like, “Who do you think you are?” – and get out of there as fast as I could. Perhaps it would be more believable if they were friends and knew each other for a while, and she wanted to help out.

At the moment Tyra and Craig fall in love way too quickly. As this is just a “skeleton”, it is clear in the story itself they will take more time. Just remember to throw time into the occasion. People don’t fall in love overnight. *Smile*

Apart from this, I think you could make a roaring funny comedy out of this. I would love to see Craig and Tyra tangle themselves into such a mess that they get desperate and then everything explodes as his parents and her parents find out the truth and the couple discover they actually do love each other – but everyone laughs at them and still doubts them when they actually do get married!

Typos & Grammar:

Watch your paragraphing, verb tense and closing dialogue. They’re pretty good, but there are a few bits where they slip up. See "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

Your first sentence is quite a long one to start with. (Also, I’m not sure which direction Jacob is looking in when he turns on his stool, whether he faces Mike or scans the room.) I would suggest breaking it up. Perhaps “Who are you looking at, Mike?” Jacob asked, as he put out his cigarette in the ashtray on the bar. He turned around on his stool [to face Mike or and scanned the room]…etc.

Mike reached for and took… *Right* Although it is technically correct, avoid using this kind of phrase. Just Mike took a small sip of his beer… would do.

…young punks that don’t didn’t deserve her attention.

“She’s only among the richest women in this country and, do you see those big muscular guys in suits at either side of the bar… *Right* Replace comma after “and” with full stop and begin new sentence. There’s also a cliché here: the body guards always wear suits. Perhaps cut that bit out? It isn’t entirely necessary, and takes away the cheesiness.

Fortune. *Right* Usually when mentioning a magazine, etc., the title is italicised.

The fight scene isn’t great for description. When writing fight scenes, keep the sentences short and choppy, action-packed. You want fast-moving passages in your fight scenes, no less than a few sentences, and easy to understand. I would suggest breaking it down.

Mike smiled, then he and Jacob tried to catch her fall as they threw her to the ground, but were too slow to the punch. She hit the floor and laid still. *Right* Yikes! This sentence is a bit ugly. When using so many connectives (then, as, but, etc.), it is a sign the sentence is too long. Get rid of the connectives and try to make short sentences with variety and interest.

He went back to Jacob and the young woman. *Right* Insert new paragraph here ¶

“Dr. Herald,” it sounded odd to call him that, “is she going to be alright?” *Right* Insert braket before “it” and after “that”.

Jacob gave him advice as to what to do if… *Right* “as to” is a stiff, old-fashioned phrase. Replace it with “about”.

“breakup” should probably be “break-up” or “break up”, and “rearview” should probably be “rear-view” or “rear view”.

She lied limp in his arms… *Right* “lied” should be “lay”, as “lied” is the past tense of “lie” (telling a fib) and “lay” is the past tense of “lie” (a horizontal position).

“She’s beautiful.” Craig said, staring at her peaceful countenance. *Right* Replace full stop after “beautiful” with comma. (Dialogue should always be closed with a comma when specifying who is speaking: “She’s beautiful,” Craig said. Or alternatively, Craig said, “She’s beautiful.”)

“Is there anything I need to know about things you’ve already told your parents.” *Right* Replace full stop with question mark after “parents”.

Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of reading and reviewing your novel outline. I hope you find my comments helpful. You have done well so far, so keep it up. Here's wishing you success now and bestsellers in the future! *Star*

~ Kasia
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*Quill* WRITE ON! *Reading*

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134
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Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*

Hi Zack Carson Author IconMail Icon! I decided to try reviewing novels and novel outlines, so here I am.

*Umbrellab* After reading "First Story Outline" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: This is a well thought out fantasy outline. You phrase each stage of the story well, although I would suggest setting each phrase two spaces apart for clarity in reading. Your tense is consistent throughout, except in a few parts where it slips into past tense, which I’ll touch on in a moment. (Also, I think the rating should be 13+, as this outline is a bit gruesome.)

As for the story itself, I think you have a good start, but it needs improving. So far it is a story of revenge, but I would love to see some more themes in it. Have a think about messages you can bring across (for example, a theme of Lord of the Rings is good vs. evil – this is tied in to your story as well, but try something different, unique).

Personally, I don’t like the fan-fiction. I don’t think it is a very independent genre, and it seems to bring masterpieces down to an amateur level, if you know what I mean, instead of complimenting them. I would suggest getting rid of it entirely. Put Lord of the Rings out of your mind. Create your own fantasy world (it’s much more interesting) and make a different kind of creature instead of orcs. Using your own creativity, you have a better chance of becoming a bestseller.

Another thing: the story doesn’t seem to end. It finishes with nothing more than a promise of fulfilment, which can be frustrating to a reader. By this ending, you imply to me a sequel or trilogy. Trilogies are a pretty clichéd part of fantasy writing, so I would advise steering clear of it entirely. In fact, I think your story could easily be compacted into one book. There isn’t as much knuckly plot in this outline for an entire book. Carry on from the scene where Mizar’s father is killed. Keep going: where does Mizar go from there? (Obviously to avenge himself.) Does he meet anyone? Does everything turn out different to how he intended? Is there much more at stake than just revenge?

The hero being more skilful than anyone else is another fantasy cliché to avoid. Why not bring in a twist? What if Mizar learns his skills on his journey to revenge? What if he has a different kind of skill that isn’t to do with killing, so that he is frustrated when he wants to kill?

Grammar suggestions:

Watch slipping out of present tense into past tense. Present tense is best for outlines, so try to be consistent.

…Mellin decides time had come. *Right* Should be: Mellin decides the time has come.

As he is dying, Mellin admits Mizar is a half-orc and he was is not his true father.

…was killed by likely the same tribe, Mizar’s resolve to wipe out all the orcs in the area grew even more. In the morning, he buried Mellin, packed everything he could from his fathers pack and looked west to the mountains. *Right* Should be: …was killed by the same tribe, Mizar’s resolve to wipe out all the orcs in the area grows even more. In the morning, he buries Mellin, packs everything he can from his father’s pack and looks west to the mountains.

Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of reading and reviewing "First Story Outline" Open in new Window.. I enjoyed the experience. You are off to a good start, here, and I wish you the best in all future writing endeavours. Keep up the great work and always write on! *Star*

~ Kasia
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*Quill* WRITE ON! *Reading*

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135
135
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi WriteStuffMom Author IconMail Icon! This review comes from over at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*


*Reading* After reading "Untitled (suggestions welcome)" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: This is a beautiful, heart-warming poem dedicated to a grandfather from his grandchild. The images you paint are sweet and vivid. Of a father teaching his son and the child growing up to be a father. Technicalities of rhyme and flow are excellent and emotion is vibrant. *Star*

I can only offer one suggestion for improvement:

each and every day *Right* Avoid using this phrase. George Orwell, in his six rules of writing, said, "Never write anything you have seen in print." The phrase "each and every" is very common and almost clichéd. I feel this line steals from the magic of the poem.

As for the title, "To Grandfather" or "To Pop-Pop" would suffice. The title doesn't have to be anything great, especially if it's dedicated to your grandfather. The content of the poem is enough.

A well-written, deep poem by a talented author. *Thumbsup* Thank you for sharing and allowing me the pleasure of reading and reviewing. I enjoyed the experience and wish you all the best for every future writing endeavour! Keep up the great work! *Star*

~ Kasia
*Quill* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Quill* WRITE ON! *Reading*

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136
136
Review of Railway to Heaven  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Umbrellar* A Showering Acts of Joy Review *Umbrellav*

as part of your sh*Burstb*wer from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.!


 Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*

Hi tlsea Author IconMail Icon! This review comes from over at the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

*Umbrellab* After reading "Railway to Heaven" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: Once again, I am awed by your power to weave such beautiful poetry and captivate your readers. This poem is simply exquisite. *Thumbsup*

With gorgeous imagery and almost perfect meter and rhyme, this poem is among my favourites, now. I love how you tell of your baby passing into heaven, how this thought brings you peace. You open as he leaves earth and close with assurance of seeing him again and in the meanwhile having peace.

I noticed no typos or grammar mistakes and can only offer one suggestion, but even that's too picky! As I was reading, this line tripped me up: His closed eyes now see more glory than ours opened ever do *Right* I think it's because of the uncommon order of the words, but I'm not sure if this can be improved. If I could change anything, this is the only line I'd work on.

Favourite Lines:

Sleeping with beloved train toy still in hand from day before. *Right* This line evokes fond childhood images, with "sleeping", "beloved" and "train toy". *Thumbsup*

His closed eyes now see more glory than ours opened ever do. *Right* This is profound and very true.

Stilled heart beats his new beginning, / Ash now mingles with his play… *Right* These two in particular are very lyrical.


"Railway To Heaven" is an exceptional poem worthy of its two ribbons. *Thumbsup* Thank you for sharing and giving me the pleasure of reading and reviewing. I hope you find my comments, if not exactly helpful, at least encouraging. Keep up the great work! *Star*


~ Kasia
*Umbrellav* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Umbrellap* WRITE ON! *Umbrellap*

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137
Review of A Day of Darkness  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Umbrellar* A Showering Acts of Joy Review *Umbrellav*

as part of your sh*Burstb*wer from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.!

Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*


Hi Wolf-Man Author IconMail Icon! This review come from the board over at the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

*Umbrellab* After reading "A Day of Darkness" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: A swift-moving chapter about a werewolf on a mission to assassinate an associate of the emperor's adviser, with lots of blood and gore.

Let me be honest here: I'm not a fan of werewolves and other clichéd fantasies, but I will try to be fair and look at this strictly from a writing perspective.

The protagonist, Dagur, is a werewolf. Now, werewolves have been used over and over again in fantasy writing, and they have become clichéd. Unless you have something unique to bring to the table, why not lay these creatures to rest? Why not create a new fantasy creature? Wolves aren't the only "predator" animals...

Also, in this chapter, I feel there is a lack of cause to sympathize with Dagur. So far he does a lot of gruesome killing and not much else. Perhaps this could put your reader off, especially in the first chapter? Then with all the "swift", "quick" and "calm"s, I felt you were trying to convince the reader to warm to Dagur. This only served to distance him from me.

Then the plot... There's not much suspense and little reason to fly on to the next chapter. It could almost be a short story: Dagur has to do a mission. Dagur does the mission successfully. The end.

So, on the positive side, here are some suggestions that might help out:

*Bullet**Bullet**Bullet* Characters & Creatures:
*Right* Be original with your fantasy world and creatures therein. Watch out for clichés. (Did you know that fantasy is the single most clichéd genre? So in many ways it's the hardest to write.) Type into your Google search engine "fantasy cliches" and it will come up with some great links that may help you recognize and avoid cliché. (How To Avoid Cliches In Fantasy Writing  Open in new Window., Ten Fantasy Clichés That Should Be Put To Rest  Open in new Window., Grand List of Fantasy Cliches  Open in new Window., The Not-So-Grand List of Overused Fantasy Cliches  Open in new Window., and a funny one: The Evil Overlord  Open in new Window..)
*Right* Have a think about creatures you could create for your fantasy world. Create, don't copy, and you will be successful. Steer away from dwarves, elves, etc., and other creatures or concepts found in popular fantasy books/movies.
*Right* Give Dagur feeling, thought and other qualities that will make your readers relate to him. What are his loves (a she-wolf? *Laugh* )? Hates? Fears? Hopes? Does he love his family? Or despise them? What reasons endear him to them, or estrange him?
*Right* Expand on his situation – are he and his clan victims of the emperor? Do they hate him? What has he done to earn their hate?
*Right* Build up some suspense to draw readers into the next chapter. What will happen next? Give us a glimpse of an ongoing struggle.

*Bullet**Bullet**Bullet* Description, Imagery & Setting:
*Right*I want to see your world. Don't be afraid to give us some colourful descriptions. I know all this is hard to do in the first chapter, but you can touch on it a little. (For more about making your fantasy world more 3D, see Worldbuilding Questions By Patricia C. Wrede  Open in new Window.)
*Right* In the beginning, how many are gathered for the Helgiathöfn Fullrothsár? Are there many young werewolves like Dagur, or is the clan very small? What do the dwellings look like, or do they sleep in trees? Are the warewolves gathered tense with excitement? What does the forest sound like? Does Dagur see his family in the faces? Or is he related to everyone in the clan?
*Right* Show us the countryside as he is walking. What are some characteristics of the scenery? Is it mountainous country, or flat and desert-like? Does he pass anyone on the road? Does he keep away from the road? Are the roads dangerous? Are there many of the emperor's soldiers, or bandits, perhaps? Are the werewolf clans hostile to one another? Does he fear meeting a certain clan?
*Right* Then there's the city. Are the people different to those in our world? What do they look like? How do they dress? Is the city crowded? What are some of the sights? Are the buildings tall and overbearing, or short and slum-like? Is the air dusty or clear? What are some of the smells? – Especially if Dagur's best sense is smelling. Does he "smell" human? Does he like the smell? Does it remind him of dinner? Or is it a horrible smell?

*Bullet**Bullet**Bullet* Grammar & Wording: Re-edit your grammar. I saw several grammar mistakes. I will quickly go over some of them before I close.
*Right* In the opening sentence, we have four foreign words "Dagur", "Myrkri", "Helgiathöfn" and "Fullrothsár". Yikes! That's a bit of a mind-bender for your poor reader. *Smile* Perhaps it would be easier on the reader if you rearranged the paragraph so the scene is described first, and then introduced your character and the name of the rite?
*Right* Watch out for commas, especially in dialogue. Dialogue should be opened and closed with commas, i.e. He said, "Yes, sir." or "Yes, sir," he said.
*Right* For ease of reading and to clarify who is speaking, space your dialogue down a paragraph: e.g. In front of him stood his father, adjacent to a small fire, "Are you ready" his father asked. He slowly looked around at the small glade lit by both the full moon and the fire. "Yes." He responded. "You will now be given your assignment..."

should be (changes made in bold):

         In front of him stood his father, adjacent to a small fire.
         Â¶ "Are you ready?" his father asked.
         Â¶ Dagur slowly looked around at the small glade lit by both the full moon and the fire.
         Â¶ "Yes," he replied.
         Â¶ "You will now be given your assignment..."

*Right* Beware of too many adverbs and adjectives (swiftly, quickly, calmly). Many are unnecessary and can be omitted entirely. When you do use them, use variety. Look up words in the thesaurus, if you're stuck. Nimbly, lithely, forcefully... etc. These words can be more interesting, too.
*Right* Watch out for excess conjunctions, especially in your fight scenes (and, then, but, after). Avoid passive actions when you can use active. Keep your sentences short and don't repeat words. Make the actions easy for the reader to follow, and use solid words to keep the reader riveted. I won't record my edits, as it would look a bit messy, but you can compare it with what is there at the moment and use it as you will.

         "What about my payment?" said the contact, as he stood and held out his hand for the money.
         Â¶ "About that..." said Dagur. With lightning ferocity he spun around, snatching the man's extended wrist. Swiftly jerking him forward, he slammed his left palm into the man's face... He kicked the man's leg at his knee, snapping it loudly. He then grabbed the man at the shoulder and hauled him forward, swinging up his knee. It crashed into the abdomen and the man crumpled in agony. Before Dagur's foot had even touched the ground again, he grasped the man's arm in iron fists and snapped it like a twig. The man sank to the floor. Dagur placed his foot on the man's throat. He was bordering on unconsciousness when Dagur whispered, "Rotna í helveíti."

         *Note* Another problem is repetition of "the man", but I'm not sure how you could change that. I'll leave that to your imagination! For more on writing fight scenes, see "Invalid Item" Open in new Window., How To Write Fight Scenes With Alan Baxter  Open in new Window. and Writing Fight Scenes  Open in new Window.

*Umbrellap* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellav* *Umbrellao*

All right, this review has become long enough already. *Blush* I hope you'll forgive me. Although your story can do with some improvement, I think you're off to a good start. You've laid the foundations and introduced your reader quickly and easily to your fantasy world. I'm a fan of action-packed beginnings, and I congratulate you on a successful one. *Thumbsup*

Hopefully you'll find these comments helpful – I wish you all the best with your writing. Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of reading and reviewing "A Day of Darkness". Keep up the great work! *Star*

~ Kasia
*Umbrellav* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Umbrellap* WRITE ON! *Umbrellap*

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138
138
Review of Conch Man  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*ConfettiV* *Burstp* *Confettibr*
A Review On Behalf Of
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1771385 by Not Available.

*Confettip* *Burstb* *Confettiy*

*Burstp* Note: As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*


Hi Don Two Author IconMail Icon! Thank you for entering Round 6 of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.! You have done well in writing this piece and following the rules of the contest, and I enjoyed reading your short story.

*Right* After reading "Conch Man" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: A poem both funny and ridiculous. I was a bit confused at first, but enjoyed a good laugh at the end.

Remember to keep your descriptions clear – I wasn't quite sure what the "conch man" was doing, at first.

One grammar suggestion: Enter the life guards from off of their towers *Right* "off of" should be just "off"

Thank you for giving me a good laugh in reading your poem. You show promise. Keep up the great work! *Star*

~ Kasia
Fi Author IconMail Icon

Thank you for your participation in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. We look forward to seeing you in the next round! *Delight*

*Burstv* WRITE ON! *Burstp*

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139
139
Review of Every Breath  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*ConfettiV* *Burstp* *Confettibr*
A Review On Behalf Of
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1771385 by Not Available.

in affiliation with "Retired Founder, Rising Stars Program" Open in new Window.
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*Burstp* Note: As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*


Hi Itchy Water~fictionandverse Author IconMail Icon! Thank you for entering Round 6 of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.! You have done well in writing this piece and following the rules of the contest, and I enjoyed reading your short story.

*Right* After reading "Every Breath" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: A heart-rending little poem about a woman whose life seems to have been wasted. I would suggest making the reason clearer, as when reading I wanted to know why. (Was it a man? Or a lack of one? Did she want children? Did her health deprive her of hope and joy and love in life? Or was she a hermit?) You have caught a good balance of regret and despair. I just feel that it's a bit bare-bones at the moment. Use your imagination and don't be afraid to edit and re-edit until you are satisfied.

Another suggestion: I tripped up on the line She'd try to know if she was alive

Perhaps you could swap it with the following line, so it would flow better: Every night and every morning, / She'd try to know if she was alive

These are my suggestions only. Think about them and maybe you could flesh out this poem a little. But I wouldn't advise too much. The length is pretty good how it is. I would just suggest that little bit more.

Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of reading and reviewing your poem, "Every Breath". Keep up the great work! *Star*

~ Kasia
Fi Author IconMail Icon

Thank you for your participation in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. We look forward to seeing you in the next round! *Delight*

*Burstv* WRITE ON! *Burstp*

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140
140
Review of Tire Swing  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*ConfettiV* *Burstp* *Confettibr*
A Review On Behalf Of
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1771385 by Not Available.

in affiliation with "Retired Founder, Rising Stars Program" Open in new Window.
*Confettip* *Burstb* *Confettiy*

*Burstp* Note: As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*


Hi Itchy Water~fictionandverse Author IconMail Icon! Congratulations on your Honourable Mention in Round 6 of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.! You have done well in writing this piece and following the rules of the contest, and I enjoyed reading your short story.

*Right* After reading "Tough Goodbye" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: This is a lovely, short poem glimpsing in the past fond childhood memories. Despite its brevity, I enjoyed this little scene fully as if I were there. *Thumbsup* Memories always make for a good read, and you've certainly woven this one well. The simplicity of "Tire Swing" is pleasant and refreshing.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I can offer no suggestions for improvement. I can merely admire your work. *Delight*

Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of reading and reviewing your poem, "Tire Swing". I enjoyed the experience and hope you find my comments helpful. Never be discouraged. Keep up the great work!

~ Kasia
Fi Author IconMail Icon

Thank you for your participation in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. We look forward to seeing you in the next round! *Delight*

*Burstv* WRITE ON! *Burstp*

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
141
141
Review of Tough Goodbye  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*ConfettiV* *Burstp* *Confettibr*
A Review On Behalf Of
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1771385 by Not Available.

in affiliation with "Retired Founder, Rising Stars Program" Open in new Window.
*Confettip* *Burstb* *Confettiy*

*Burstp* Note: As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*


Hi Bikerider Author IconMail Icon! Congratulations on your Honourable Mention in Round 6 of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.! You have done well in writing this piece and following the rules of the contest, and I enjoyed reading your short story.

*Right* After reading "Tough Goodbye" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: This tale has a unique atmosphere of sorrow to it. The blend of the beginning and the end is perfect. *Star* Enough to move the romanticist to tears. *Wink*

However, I felt while reading that the balance of content and emotion isn't quite right. There's a lot of talking and moving without much meat. The lack of feeling made it seem a bit bare, as if they were just rehearsing, if you know what I mean. I think we need more perspective – how does Greg feel about Alison, and vice versa? The relationship is a little hard to understand and sympathize with, because we're not sure if Greg loves her still, and on the other hand Alison doesn't like him one moment, and the next it seems she does.

The beginning is strong and promising, but the plot seems to drift after that. The dialogue, too, seems a bit superficial. I would suggest a few bursts of emotion to betray the characters and at least drop a few hints of where they stand.

Work a bit more on the characters – Greg needs to be a strong male lead (every romance needs one of those! *Wink*). At the moment he doesn't really have any strong personality traits. Every character needs some of those. And he seemed a bit pushy when he said (twice) "Don't you at least owe me?" With Alison, somehow I don't see what Greg saw in her. What kind of girl is she that she isn't faithful to him over time and distance? Or was it just a high school crush? Why wasn't she respectful of his uniform, apart from being a pacifist? The reader is curious about these things, and they are only partially answered. You want your readers to sympathize with your characters. Go ahead and indulge us in some bittersweet romance. *Thumbsup*

Now that that's all over with *Smile*, let me say I love your ending. The goodbye scene is very well-written and I saw Alison in a kinder light. I wouldn't change anything at the end.

Just two grammar suggestions:
They all hugged and smiled as Alison say said good-bye goodbye.

...and they both found something to look at other than apart from each other. *Right* Just to avoid repetition of "other".

And a format error:
"...on the sofa." *Right* Close italics here with a {/i}


Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of reading and reviewing your short story, "Tough Goodbye". I enjoyed the experience and hope you find my comments helpful. Never be discouraged. Keep up the great work!

~ Kasia
Fi Author IconMail Icon

Thank you for your participation in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. We look forward to seeing you in the next round! *Delight*

*Burstv* WRITE ON! *Burstp*

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
142
142
Review of BEHIND THE CHARM  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*ConfettiV* *Burstp* *Confettibr*
*Star* A Rising Stars Review *Star*
On Behalf Of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
*Star* Congratulations on your Honourable Mention! *Star*
*ConfettiV* *Burstp* *Confettibr*

Note: *Burstbr* I respectfully offer these comments, as an individual and fellow artist, intending to suggest areas of improvement in your writing. Thank you for allowing me to read your piece and give feedback which I hope will prove helpful and encouraging. *Burstbr*

Hi Itchy Water~fictionandverse Author IconMail Icon! This review is one of two you won in Round 5 of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. I chose this piece because it caught my eye when I was looking through your port, and I weighed up between two others, but decided on this one because this is where I believe I can be of some help.

*Right* After reading "BEHIND THE CHARM" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: I think this poem has potential, but at the moment it's a bit rough, wording and meter being a slightly choppy. A bit more editing and revision should see it right!

Your wording is good, but it could be better. Sometimes while reading I felt that the rhyming words were "placed" at the end of the line. I've come across this before in other items on WdC, and indeed in my own writing, and have come to realize it isn't the fault of the actual rhyming word, but the words before. This fault generally stems from a lack of depth or description in that particular line. Feeling like she was in the sky, for example, has a lot of weak or passive words: "feeling", "like", "was". (Other examples include "had", "been", "to", "look".) Perhaps this could be a bit more descriptive with less words, or less passive words: Sailing in the sky or Soaring in the sky could work, you don't necessarily have to add that she felt that way, because that is obviously what you are describing. Other lines are similar: Never looking at another guy, When things were about to bust, etc. So watch out for those little fellows. They need kicking in the pants to reshape themselves into something more juicy.

Leading on from the previous point, watch out for repetition and wordiness. This ties in with what I was saying before. "Believed" is repeated twice, in verses one and three, and "never", in verse two. Avoid using "did" (The first argument she did endure and ...he forcefully did thrust) as it is almost unnecessary and can be easily omitted. Avoid complicated words that don't advance the poem or could be replaced with shorter, punchier words (maintained (her composure) could be kept, held, forced or willed). See George Orwell's 6 Questions & 6 Rules of Writing  Open in new Window.

Try to keep active and direct, to the point. Make your words come alive on the page by breathing your own personality into them.

Grammar & Trypos *Wink* : she worship him *Right* should be worshiped
And his mouth he cursed *Right* should be And with his mouth he cursed

...and one quick note: keep an eye on your commas and full stops, as some of them seem misplaced in this piece. Try replacing periods with commas, as this lends a smoother effect. Your choice, though, and I'm not entirely sure if you meant that effect.

Favourite Lines: She believed the feeling was more than lust. *Right* Questioning love.
She believed he was made of diamond dust. *Right* An example of good description. *Thumbsup*
She counted him worthy of her trust. *Right* *Heart* I love how you repeat this line at the close of each stanza. There's something magical about these words, something that encourages one to nurture love and faithfulness instead of hurting it, as this man did. A moral conveyed very well. *Star*

This poem made me think of snatches of Scriptures such as "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain..." and "'Vanity of vanities! All is vanity!'" But on the other hand, it almost had a message of hope. Not sure how you managed that... Stealing in the back door of my mind with that last line, maybe...

Overall, I enjoyed the read. You had a story to tell, both tragic and gentle, about charm, its deceit and ruin. And you told it well, for all my fussy pickings (I hope you found them helpful, nonetheless *Confused*).

I rate *Star* *Star* *Star* *Halfstar* because I think you're off to a good start and with a bit of smoothing over, this poem will improve.

Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of reading and reviewing this piece. I wish you all the best in every writing endeavour. Keep up the great work!

Thank you for your participation in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. We look forward to enjoying your talent again in future rounds! *Delight*

~ Kasia
*Burstp* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Burstv* WRITE ON! *Burstp*
Always write, even when your pen is dry and there is no paper.

"I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul will make its boast in the LORD;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.
O magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together."
~ Psalm 34:1 - 3


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
143
143
Review of Jan 23rd -02  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Leaf* A Rising Stars Review *Leafbr*

by Fi Author IconMail Icon

in affiliation with "Retired Founder, Rising Stars Program" Open in new Window.


*Leafr* Note: *Burstbr* I respectfully offer these comments, as an individual and fellow artist, intending to suggest areas of improvement in your writing. Thank you for allowing me to read your piece and give feedback which I hope will prove helpful and encouraging. *Burstbr*

Hi Humming Bird Author IconMail Icon! It was difficult to choose an item from your port and there were a few others I wanted to review. However, I settled on this one, "Jan 23rd -02" Open in new Window., in the end.

*Leafy* After reading your piece, I have these comments to offer: I always like reading non-fiction or a work written from experience and this is no exception. When a writer relates a tale from their past, a special kind of flavour comes through. Personality lends uniqueness when it is related with a careful touch. *Thumbsup*

Can I be very honest with you? I read this poem expecting more depth. It seemed to end too quickly for such an interesting tale, to almost fall flat in the final line when it sounds like your life it built up to quite a struggle. This is meant as a compliment to you – you have experienced something painful and unique which I think deserves a bit more attention. Perhaps you could work on tone and atmosphere – make the reader go through it with you, draw them through the pain and hope, frustration and victory.

Apart from this, I like your imagery. *Smile* The pictures you create are easy for one to relate to: chattering away in the third verse while you're feeling like the world has come down around your ears. ...tried to be smart... really says it for how it is. Building up around yourself reality, action, instead of falling into depression as you could have. And the hope which "always resides in the human heart", how oftentimes it must have seemed useless, but how in the end it conquered. I don't mean to encourage you to dramatize or make it something it wasn't, but rather to emphasize what it was.

Suggestions: Grammar and spelling are flawless and I noticed no errors.

I understand that this poem is written from experience and I am often reluctant to offer suggestions as it is quite personal. However, I will share these few ideas because I think the poem could have potential.

I advise lengthening and expanding this piece. Instead of having the lengthy blurb at the foot of your item explaining it in context (which is relevant and appropriate to the poem as it is), why don't you transfer the contents of the blurb into the poem, so the poem stands alone and explains itself? I think this would give it the depth I feel it lacks.

Also, I think four-line stanzas would do more justice than the current two-line couplets.

The title is good, but I feel it could be better. Jan 23rd -02 is very abbreviated and it looks a bit scruffy. Consider January 23rd or January 2002, or you could take a different approach and try something like, The Day My Life Changed, or One Day In January. (Those aren't very good suggestions *Blush* – I'm sure you'll come up with something better.)

I rate this piece *Star* *Star* *Star* *Halfstar*, because, although I believe it could do with some working-on, you have the foundations for an excellent poem.

Thank you for sharing and allowing me to read and review. I offer these comments sincerely, in the hope that they will help improve. I wish for you the best in life, that you pass from strength to strength and pursue your writing to publication. We're right behind you! *Star* Shoot onwards and upwards, rising star, and keep up the great work.

~ Kasia
*Leafo* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Leaf* WRITE ON! *Leaf*
Always write, even when your pen is dry and there is no paper.

"I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul will make its boast in the LORD;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.
O magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together."
~ Psalm 34:1 - 3



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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
144
144
Review of Fighting Myself  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Umbrellar* A Showering Acts of Joy Review *Umbrellav*

by Fi Author IconMail Icon

as part of your sh*Burstb*wer from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.!

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Note: *Burstbr* I respectfully offer these comments, as an individual and fellow artist, intending to suggest areas of improvement in your writing. Thank you for allowing me to read your piece and give feedback which I hope will prove helpful and encouraging. *Burstbr*

Hi LG back to the writing board Author IconMail Icon! I am reviewing your story "Fighting Myself" Open in new Window. on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. The title caught my attention while drifting through the waters of your port.

*Umbrellab* After reading your piece, I have these comments to offer:

I very much enjoyed this story. It was funny, and I was in the mood for hilarity, after just reading several comedies on Writing.Com. But it was also kind of sad. Some of my friends had mums like Sarah’s mum. I think it is so sad when they don’t let their daughters be who they are, although I can sympathize with their frustration.

Poor, silly Sarah!

I noted some grammar errors (such as – every writer’s pet hate – commas) and offer a few suggestions below. Apologies for length – it’s almost line-by-line edit (my edit suggestions in bold):

*Bullet* Should the title be “Fighting Herself” instead of “Fighting Myself”?
*Bullet* Starting sentence is a bit long. Try to keep it short and punchy. ‘Why do boys have to fight?’ Sarah thought to herself. She stood watching Billy and Steve…
*Bullet* I advise rearranging the second sentence into something like Had she arrived earlier for playtime she might have been able to stop this violence, as she had many times before. But she was late, and with good reason.
*Bullet* How her mother hated that she was such a tomboy, always trying to get her to play dolls with the other girls and wear pretty dresses. But Sarah did not have time for all that. The games the boys played were so much more fun. She sat back on her heels…’
*Bullet* I would expect her to say something more like: “Stop it now, both of you!” at first, then, “Why are you two acting like cavemen anyway?”
*Bullet* The boys paused between blows and looked up at her.
*Bullet* “Sarah! When did you get here?” Billy asked meekly…
*Bullet* Sarah addresses the boys too much as ‘you two’. I advice replacing it.
*Bullet* “Oh, it ain’t nothing, we were just playing,” came the answer from Steve. “Nothing, is it? Well that blow…” …the answer, she knew she…
*Bullet* Usually children don’t book a time to play. Usually they just turn up after school or whatever and play. So I would suggest, “What took you so long anyways, Sarah? You aren’t usually this late.”
*Bullet* “Well here is the thing, boys: sometimes life throws us a curved ball…”
*Bullet* …loved to act like it. Talking so was…
*Bullet* “What are you talking about, girl?”
*Bullet* Clearing her throat, she mustered…
*Bullet* “Boys, I will not…”
*Bullet* “…Sarah, what is going on?”
*Bullet* …as he pulled her closer, always the protector.
*Bullet* “…I am different to other girls and I must have a surgery…”
*Bullet* “…so funny?” he almost screamed.
*Bullet* “…the truth,” Steve answered readily.
*Bullet* “No, of course not. She must have…”
*Bullet* “…You remember that, don’t you? She heard her mother…one place too long.
*Bullet* …started walking to the fort. This time he would…

I rate this story *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* for fun and originality.

I was expecting something terrible, and then I got a good laugh. Thank you for allowing me to read and rate. I have enjoyed the experience. Keep up the fantastic work!

Have a great day! *Sun*

~ Kasia
*Umbrellav* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Umbrellap* WRITE ON! *Umbrellap*
Always write, even when your pen is dry and there is no paper.

"I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul will make its boast in the LORD;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.
O magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together."
~ Psalm 34:1 - 3


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
145
145
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Umbrellar* A Showering Acts of Joy Review *Umbrellav*

by Fi Author IconMail Icon

as part of your sh*Burstb*wer from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Note: *Burstbr* I respectfully offer these comments, as an individual and fellow artist, intending to suggest areas of improvement in your writing. Thank you for allowing me to read your piece and give feedback which I hope will prove helpful and encouraging. *Burstbr*

Hi Prosperous Snow celebrating Author IconMail Icon! I am reviewing your story "A Christmas Worst Case Scenario" Open in new Window. on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. The title caught my eye while I was sailing the waters of your port, but I had no idea of what a surprise I was in for!

*Umbrellab* After reading your piece, I have these comments to offer:

First off, I’ll say this story had me laughing from the beginning to the end. It’s short and punchy, and I love how everything is so ridiculously funny. The last sentence is especially brilliant. That had me laughing the most.

You open the story quickly. You instantly had my attention. I only paused once while reading it when I came across the sentence ‘…before your sisters gave birth.’ I thought it should be ‘sister’, but reading on I understood.

You then relate the story almost as if telling it to friends with the husband sitting next to you (usually the 2nd person style doesn’t work well in stories, but it suits this story perfectly. I like it. *Thumbsup*), first how things started to go wrong, then how it went from bad to worse to crazy. The more I read, the more I warmed to it. Your ending was the icing on the cake. A hilarious and well-written story (I hope this isn’t a true story?).

A few suggestions (it looks bad, but it really isn’t):

The only problem I have with this story is your grammar and sentence structure. I felt the whole tale could be smoother. I understand the style of a narrative, as if someone were telling it, yet it doesn't want to be too choppy. Perhaps a bit of grammatical fix-ups would do it justice, but also I suggest a bit of structure editing would help. A lot of the sentences begin with it, the and there, or connectives such as and, still, not and okay. These lend to the ‘choppyness’.

I’ll fly over a few little typos I spotted before closing. I hope these will help smooth out the rough bits, but remember I’m a bit of a grammar freak. I like neat writing. *Blush*

(My edit suggestions in bold. When inserting commas, I highlight the whole word before the comma.)

*Bullet* It was bound to happen, of course.
*Bullet* When one is distracted, mishaps are preordained.
*Bullet* Perhaps the next sentence could be joined as one for better flow? ‘When one is distracted, mishaps are preordained – in pairs, in triplets, in quadruplets.
*Bullet* First, there was the problem…
*Bullet* Should Christmas ‘Tree’ be capitalized?
*Bullet* Perhaps the sentence, ‘It should have fit, you said it would have fit if the stand we put it on was only two inches shorter,’ could be rearranged to something like, ‘If the stand we put it on was only two inches shorter, you said it would have fit.’
*Bullet* Still, I should have foreseen… Still, you didn’t have to give me… Secondly, there was the problem…
*Bullet* …a proper spare tire… …to hold ten people, three dogs…
*Bullet* Rephrase ‘The only logical reason I can think of … is that I thought you, not only knew how to use a buzz saw but, how to cut a Christmas tree in half (Obviously I was wrong about that…)’ to something like The only logical reason I can think of … is that I thought you not only knew how to use a buzz saw, but also how to cut a Christmas tree in half. (Obviously I was wrong about that…)
*Bullet* Thirdly, and I will admit this was my fault;, there was…
*Bullet* You can’t boil water without burning it,: I should never have expected…
*Bullet* …deer-caught-in-the-headlights look…when I asked you, “What the…!?!”
*Bullet* Oh, by the way, you don’t cut…length wise lengthwise
*Bullet* A personal one: Personally, I prefer ‘okay’ to ‘O.K’. My reasons: 1) the capitals look gawky, 2) the full stops are misleading, 3) and ‘O.K’ is old-fashioned. Just a suggestion, if you wanna tweak that.

All right, I know that’s an extensive grammar going-over, but that is no insult to your talent. I couldn’t help it – I love your story that much. *sheepish* You’re probably sick of me by now (you can ignore all this – it’s a pity you’ve taken the time to read it all!), so I’ll wrap up quickly.

I rate this story *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* for comedy and overall a good tale.

Your style shines through (easily over a few grammar mistakes) in this story and I have really enjoyed the read. Thank you for allowing me that pleasure and being tolerant with my lengthy review. I hope you find my humble comments and suggestions helpful. Thank you for sharing your talent for the enjoyment of those on Writing.Com Keep up the great work!

Have a great day! *Sun*

~ Kasia
*Umbrellav* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Umbrellap* WRITE ON! *Umbrellap*
Always write, even when your pen is dry and there is no paper.

"I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul will make its boast in the LORD;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.
O magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together."
~ Psalm 34:1 - 3


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
146
146
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wondering why I was removed from the group??? Was it a mistake or did I do something wrong?

~ Kasia
147
147
Review of Kunti  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Leaf* I am reviewing your work as a fellow Rising Star! *LeafBr*

Hi oscines Author IconMail Icon! I found your piece posted on "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. These comments are only my opinions as a fellow artist, sharing my reactions, feelings and suggestions. I hope you find this honest and respectful review helpful and encouraging.

*Leaf* Title & Brief Description: ‘Kunti’. Alright, I admit I didn't know exactly what this meant, but I looked it up and found out about it. So I learned from it *Laugh*. Good title! *Thumbsup* It sort of explains the poem a bit, too. Your note at the bottom is handy for explaining, too *Bigsmile*. The brief description is good and does its job of luring the reader in.

*LeafBr* Narrative & Word Choice: Usually the spaces you have used confuse and annoy me, but they were appropriate and added to the beauty of the poem.

I really love your word choice. Your use of alliteration is brilliant, at the last line of each verse. It wasn’t noticeable during the first read. It just felt like it flowed really well. But when I read it a second time, I noticed and loved it. Cradling, crooning, caressing…Livid / Larger than life…

My Favourite lines:

Let it remain a hazy wisp... What I Like: Beautiful imagery. *Thumbsup*

But Time did not suffocate my secret; / Time did not snuff it out… What I Like: Strong and true.

So now, you see, / I am a secret. / With a little girl trapped inside, / Begging to be let out. What I Like: Powerful ending. It is such a bitter-sweet way to end the composition. I really, really love it.

*LeafR* Imagery & Emotion: I particularly like how you reversed the situation in the last lines: So now, you see, / I am a secret. / With a little girl trapped inside, / Begging to be let out.

That really hit a ‘like’ cord in me. It leaves the reader with a deep feeling of remorse and even…loneliness. How a little girl could be destroyed by a secret. It fascinates me, and I think this is a really good thing to have in your reader. *Star* Great job!

Your imagery was mistily beautiful. You played with interesting words. You didn’t paint a scene. You painted a thought. Lines like ‘For voice would give it immortality’ and your mention of time, etc., gave the poem a sense of timelessness and eternity. Very clever.

*LeafO* Suggestions & Typos: I noticed no grammatical errors and I have only one suggestion to offer:
         *Leaf* Write more! *Bird*

*LeafY* Overall Thoughts & Rating: A beautiful poem about a little girl and a big secret. I think the words were cleverly and naturally chosen. The poem flowed well and had no typos or errors that I could see.

I rate this poem *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Halfstar* because I think it’s nearly perfect.

Thank you for sharing your poem with the community of Writing.Com and allowing me the pleasure of reviewing it. I hope you find my comments helpful. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*

~ Kasia
Fi Author IconMail Icon

*RainbowL* Write On! *RainbowR*
Always write, even when your pen is dry and there is no paper.

"I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul will make its boast in the LORD;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.
O magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together."
~ Psalm 34:1 - 3


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
148
148
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*RainbowL* I am reviewing your work as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy! *RainbowR*


Hi Ducttape Knight Author IconMail Icon! I found your piece while browsing through your portfolio.

These comments are only my opinions as a fellow artist, sharing my reactions, feelings and suggestions. I hope you find this honest and respectful review helpful and encouraging.

*Check* Title & Brief Description: ‘A Day To Ride The Winds’ is an appropriate title, but I think the length is unnecessary. I believe simply ‘To Ride The Winds’ or ‘Riding The Winds’ would be much more affective in drawing the reader in without wordiness.

*CheckR* Narrative & Word Choice: Overall, I like the style of the poem. It is light, action-filled without moral or philosophy often found in poetry. It is telling a story. Because it is in more of a story form, I feel there should be a bit of a climax, or at least a little more imagery, to make it more worthwhile/with a point. I think one more verse, describing what the ride was like, would make it much more satisfactory (to me, at least). This is only a personal opinion, a suggestion that I hope is interesting to you, even if you don’t use it. (I will come back to this later.)

*Check* Form & Flow: The form of the poem is simple aabb. Your rhyming is *Star*. I like your choice of rhyme words.
The rhythm is mostly consistent throughout, but there are a few glitches that I stumbled over. To make the poem smoother, I suggest reading over it a few times out loud. Reading your work out loud really helps.

We’re ready to put on the show… Suggestion: This line’s rhythm is flunked. I suggest something like: Ready we are to put on the show…

Families set with blankets and shades… Suggestion: Families set with rugs and shades…

Helmet on, goggles too… Suggestion: Helmet on, and goggles too…

We move forward, begin our advance… Suggestion: Then we move forward; begin our advance…

To defy gravity, take our chance!... Suggestion: ‘To defy’ is wrong and ‘gravity’ has too many syllables. But don’t remove defy and gravity, just shuffle the verse around a bit and see what you can come up with. I’m not sure how you could fix it up. You’re smart. You’ll think of something. *Smile*

Ready to fly, do my best… Suggestion: Ready to fly, to do my best…

I couldn’t help myself, and loudly whooped!... Suggestion: I can’t help myself and loudly whoop!... (Change of tense, I know, but I’ll touch on this later.)

*CheckG* Imagery & Emotion: This is an area open for improvement. I think with another verse this poem would be near perfect. Once he gets up in the air, what does he feel? What’s it like? What does he see? Where are the others he is flying with? What are they doing? Does he laugh? Or clench his teeth? Is he scared? Excited? Thrilled?

‘But the winds died down’ comes too quickly. He is finally up in the wind! This is the climax. Stretch it out. Make it sing. Another verse between verses seven and eight would be the best, to bring to life some of the imagery and emotion.


*Check* Favourite Lines: Boards are primed and have new fins… What I liked: In this line I know everyone has been preparing for and looking forward to this day. It also gives me a picture.

Red lights shoot up, flares are streaking… What I liked: This line really caught the mood of excitement! Good job! *Thumbsup*

All thinking of the vanished winds charms… What I liked: The charms of the wind really made it for me. Showed me a glimpse of the thoughts in the riders’ heads, too.

*CheckB* Suggestions & Typos:
         *Bullet* You change tense in the middle! This really threw me. At the beginning: Today is the day, speaking, streaking, advance, heart beating fast, Something is wrong, I’m in a dive, I beat my fist upon the board… etc. Then suddenly: It hummed to life and I finally soared!, I corkscrewed, loop-d-looped, I couldn’t help myself, and loudly whooped… etc. Keep it in one tense. After reading over the poem a few times, I think it would be best in present tense, how it is at the beginning.
         *Bullet* Smiling he whispers, me and you Suggestion: Smiling, he whispers, “Me and you!”
         *Bullet* Something is wrong, I’m in a dive! Suggestion: Something is wrong – I’m in a dive!

*Check* Overall Thoughts & Rating: A poem describing a youth catching the wind and becoming a man because he rode it. The rhythm and rhyme was mostly consistent throughout, although there are a few parts that are patchy.

I rate your poem *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* because, although it needs fixing up, you have done very well so far. *Thumbsup*

Overall, I like your poem, – your rhyming is original and I found the rhythm reasonably simple to follow. I’m rating it four stars because I believe it needs working on quite a bit before it becomes perfect.

Thank you for sharing your writing on Writing.Com. Your poem has been a pleasure to read and review. I hope you find my feedback useful. Keep up the great work and….always write!

~ Kasia
Fi Author IconMail Icon

*RainbowL* Write On! *RainbowR*
Always write, even when your pen is dry and there is no paper.

"I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul will make its boast in the LORD;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.
O magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together."
~ Psalm 34:1 - 3


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
149
149
Review of The Perfect Lie  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Paw* This review is brought to you from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.! *Paw*


Hi Julia Author IconMail Icon! I am reviewing this piece as a judge of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. These comments are only my opinions as a fellow artist, sharing my reactions, feelings and suggestions. I hope you find this honest review helpful and encouraging.

*Pawprints* Title & Brief Description: Good job with these. *ThumbsUp* The title fits ‘perfectly’ *Wink* and the brief description is alluring.

*Pawprints* Narrative & Word Choice: I think you have done reasonably well with your choice of words, although sometimes I found the poem a little vague. For instance, I’m not sure exactly what the great occasion was in the piece, but I understand the style is supposed to be cryptic, causing the reader to think. You have carried this well. I suggest just giving us a few more hints about what exactly is happening in the piece.

Your rhyme and rhythm were good and stayed consistent mostly throughout, although there were a few small glitches that I will touch on in a moment.

*Pawprints* Imagery & Emotion: I paused to reflect on what to write in this section because your poem doesn’t really have emotion and imagery in it. However, after some moments of thought, I realized it had roused emotion in me! Wonderful! I will take you on a quick trip into my mind while I was reading your poem.

I like the repeated use of the word ‘perfect’. It reminds me that sometimes perfection isn’t quite what it appears. My Dad is a real jack-of-all-trades, who has only worn a suit three or so times in his life. He is of Irish descent, with a crude but hilarious sense of humour. He is the last person in the world one would call ‘perfect’, yet he is (in my eyes!) perfect. His wisdom in raising his (seven) children, his discernment in telling good characters from bad, his general knowledge of nearly everything has repeatedly showed throughout his life, and he has gone from poor very successful, both spiritually and physically.

I am side-tracking. (Sorry!) The point is, this poem reminded me of how ‘perfection’ is beyond what it appears, – the ‘ideal’ family guy who never makes mistakes or does anything out of the norm is the imperfect one! – and it stirred in me an emotion of family memories and affection for my very imperfect perfect father! That is an amazing thing, which I aim at as a writer, to move one’s reader in a personal way. Well done! *Thumbsup*

*Pawprints* Suggestions & Typos:
         *Bullet* Mind your commas. Insert commas in the following places: > ‘The perfect day, the perfect place,’
> ‘The perfect guy, the perfect face,’
> ‘So many girls and so much space,’
> ‘The perfect hair, the perfect lips,’
> The perfect girl, the perfect hips,
> ‘The perfect life, perfect relationships,’
> ‘The perfect day, the perfect guy’

         *Bullet* Some lines had inconsistent rhythm, causing me to pause.
> ‘The Queen of the castle, then she slips.’ – Consider replacing with something like, ‘Queen of the castle – and then she slips.’ You can add or remove a syllable and get away with both.
> ‘The perfect guy hears her perfect shout’ – ‘hears’ seems to be the misplaced word, but I’m not sure how you could fix this line.
> ‘The perfect girl perfectly afraid’ – ‘perfectly’ is the misplaced word here. Perhaps consider, ‘The perfect girl, now quite afraid,’ This seems to flow easier and make more sense.
> ‘In which she slips because of his throw.’ – ‘because’ is the word here. This one is subtle and it would be quite acceptable if you just left it how it is. However, if you are aiming for perfect (he he! *Laugh*), shuffle the line around a bit and try to slot it in more smoothly.

         *Bullet* Tenses. In your poem, I found that many of the tenses were confused (past tense, present tense, future tense). Run over the piece and look out for this problem. Here are a few examples:
> ‘He’s standing up and follows the crowd.’ – Tenses are confused here and well as inconsistent rhythm. I advise replacing with something like, ‘He stands up, goes with the crowd.’
> ‘He saved her life and now they date’ then ‘This happened many years ago’ – I suggest replacing ‘now’ with ‘then’ and ‘date’ with ‘dated’.

         *Bullet* ‘She still owes him is perfect show’ – Should be ‘his’ instead of ‘is’?

         *Bullet* Technicalities. The rules of the contest state entry must include word count. This isn’t hard. Just click ‘Count’ next to ‘Edit’, copy the word count, click ‘Edit’ and paste the word count into the static item. Then your entry will qualify completely for the contest! *Delight*

*Pawprints* Overall Thoughts & Rating: A neat poem with good rhythm and rhyming about perfection not quite being what it appears. Overall, I think you have done very well with this poem, taking the prompt to an interesting twist, and I am gladdened by this positive start for the contest entries. If they’re all like yours, the judges are in for a tough decision!

I rate this *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* because, although it needs polishing, it is already shining brightly and I can see promise!

Thank you for sharing this item with Writing.Com and allowing me the pleasure of reading and reviewing a sample of your talent. I hope my suggestions help you on the road to publication and you will succeed in the world of writing. Keep up the great work and good luck with the contest! *Smile*

*Paw* ~ Kasia
Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Fleurdelis* Write On! *Fleurdelis*
*Paw* Always write, even when your pen is dry and there is no paper. *Paw*

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*Paw* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window.. *Paw*
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Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)

*RainbowL* I am reviewing your work as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy! *RainbowR*


Hi Bikerider Author IconMail Icon! I found your piece while browsing your portfolio for a piece to review.

These comments are only my opinion, sharing my reactions, feelings and suggestions. I hope you find this honest review helpful and encouraging.

*Check* Title, etc.: "I'll Name Him Abel " Open in new Window. [E]. 'I'll Name Him Abel' is an appropriate name. The brief description is quite brisk. Don't you think it would be better to write something more drawing to the reader?

*CheckR* Narrative & Dialogue: I love the narrative. You have done a very good job of writing this tale.

Although the story was a little predictable, the twist at the end was brilliant! I loved it. However, I think you should swap the watch and baby around, so the watch stops ticking first, then the baby kicks. Then I think the climax and resolution would be in the last sentence, which suits the story. This is just a suggestion. *Smile*

The use of 'as' is particularly distracting in the last sentences of the storm scene. I will touch on this later.

Lines I liked: 'The bow pointed into the sun as the sails were hoisted and the wind filled them amid loud, vulgar shouts from the crew.' – This is where the journey begins. Bring it on. A very descriptive line for the beginning of the trip.

'His call to Catherine was washed away by the howling winds and violent dark water. The storm raged on.' – This gives an incredible sense of man vs. nature. I really liked that. *Star*

*Check* Form & Flow: The story flows easily apart from the occasional glitch. I advise running over the story to smooth some of them over.

This line threw me out: 'Abel took solace in the fact that this would be their last good-bye.' – This instantly made me think their last goodbye as in separation forever. I advise rewording this so it doesn't give away the end.

*CheckG* Imagery & Emotion: Your scenes are vivid in my imagination. I love your description – fantastic! *CheckR* Catherine was painted strongly and Abel – wow, you did so well with both of them.

The emotion easily connects with the reader and it is well related. Great job! *Star*

*CheckB* Suggestions & Typos:
         *Bird* '"Abel, return to me quickly," she pleaded. She turned and walked away. Abel watched Catherine as she...' – Both names can be replaced by 'he' and 'she' because there are no other characters in this scene. The same goes with other mentions of their names.
         *Bird* All of the 'aye's, although characteristic of the sailors, seemed a little out of place.
         *Bird* 'Abel felt the powerful swells batter the hull, he grabbed a rough line to steady himself.' – The comma should be replaced with either a period or 'and'.
         *Bird* 'Looking to the north, he saw wildly undulating waves cresting, and the strong wind churning the sea.' – The comma is unnecessary. One can't see wind. Also, this sentence is a bit muddley. '...wildly undulating waves cresting' is quite a mouthful. I suggest separating it into two sentences and adjusting.
         *Bird* It seems unlikely that a storm would blow up so quickly and they would be washed overboard so suddenly. I advise making it a bit more dramatic – you can afford to, you have plenty of word-space.
         *Bird* 'The Mary Bell was being controlled by the storm.' – This sentence seems a little factual. I advise changing it to Abel's perspective, i.e. 'Abel realized with fear the Mary Bell was being completely controlled by the storm.'
         *Bird* Throw some more shouting in there, some frenzied activity as the sail is pulled down. Paint some white pallor into the faces. Add some more drama.
         *Bird* 'Abel watched as the starboard rail raised high into the sky as he fell over the rail into the cold sea.' – This was very abrupt. The reader was like 'wow, how'd that happen?' I advise making Abel slip all over the deck, have some desperate thoughts, see his sailors screaming fall to their deaths, yell some orders, etc.
         *Bird* Also, right at the end, the baby kicks and the watch ceases. I would make Catherine feel something in her heart because it feels strange that the baby and the watch sense the death but not the wife. It makes the reader feel a bit annoyed that the wife still has to find out.

*CheckV* Overall Thoughts & Rating: A well-written story about a ship captain, his wife, his baby and their watch. How they all felt the tragedy and two of them ceased at the same time. Brilliant imagery and emotion. In need of a little polishing.

I rate this *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *HalfStar* because, although it wants a little shining, it's a very well-written and beautiful short story. So sad!

Thank you for sharing this lovely story! It was a delight to read. Keep up the magnificent work!

~ Kasia
Fi Author IconMail Icon

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*



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