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701 Public Reviews Given
718 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
The purpose of my reviews is always to be as helpful as possible. I can't promise that I'll like what you have written or that you'll like what I have to say, but I try to be respectful and encouraging as well as critical.
I'm good at...
Unless otherwise requested, I'm picky (grammar, cliches, and meter in poetry). Characters and writing style take a lot to impress me.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi (apocalypse, post-apocalypse, dystopian, zombie), mystery, war, inspirational, historical fiction, Christian, non-fiction, contemporary, drama, comedy
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, short stories, non-fiction, novels
I will not review...
Erotica, gay/lesbian, fan-fiction
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Sun* *Moon* *Stary* *Earth* *People* *Waterdrop* *Fire* *Peace*


Hi THANKFUL SONALI Magical Days! Author IconMail Icon! *Smile* I came across your lovely story through the magical Random Review.

*Earth* After reading "Some Things Just Don't Matter" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: A beautiful tale of a girl's relationship with her father and her art, and how by losing something she could pass it on to benefit another. My only regret is that her father never seemed to reconcile with losing the painting. Perhaps you could bring that resolvement across in the end to give the reader more satisfaction?

My favourite aspect of this story is your protagonist's character. You paint her in a splendid light. Her attitude is sweet, lively and passionate – and frustrating. *Laugh* I sympathized with her father.

Most of the story is told not shown, but I like it this way. Your style is like a voice telling a story.

There are a lot of breaks in the story which give it a kind of detached feeling. I think you could run it all together smoothly by removing these dividers and replacing with a few sentences to explain the move in scene, or maybe not switch scenes so much.

Beware of overusing commas. When you need a lot of commas sometimes the sentence is hard to understand and could be easier to read if it was reshaped.

but she had. *Right* "but" should be capitalized.

"But - but - *Right* should be "but...but..."

the warm welcome had taken the wind out of her sails, she had expected - what? - a defensive attitude? rudeness? outright dismissal? *Right* Should be The warm welcome had taken the wind out of her sails. She had expected...what? A defensive attitude? Rudeness? Outright dismissal?

My favourite line is: And her Father visited the broken bridge alone each day. When she came home on vacation, they walked there together, and she ran, like a deer, along the unbroken slats. *Right* Reflecting the previous description of her on the bridge, it almost brings the story full circle.

I wish you could close with these lines. That would tie it off so well. But it's fine as it is, with that sorrowful and stunning light at the end. It's impacting, but don't let it be disjointed. Perhaps you could change it to in the end she remembers, after the bridge is taken down, when they walked there and she ran like a deer along the unbroken slats.

I love the part of the narrative when you describe her character. That was a fitting and quirky summary. *Thumbsup* There's certainly talent here.

I hope you find my comments helpful. I enjoyed reading and reviewing your story, and wish you all the best for the future! *Smile*

*Peace2* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Starb* WRITE ON! *Starb*
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102
102
Review of No Longer  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Starb* A Rising Stars Review *Starb*


Hi NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon! I've stopped by your port for a review of "No Longer" Open in new Window. *Smile*

You just cast a spell over me. What enchanting stanzas ~ the repeated words and lines steal my breath away. The sweetness and sorrow of a lost love is reflected so well. Magical, lyrical, beautiful and haunting. The rhythm is like the waves pulsing on the beach. I enjoyed every line.

My favourites are:
Wash them away, heartless ocean
Tide me over ‘til death, ‘til death…


The ocean is often used metaphorically, and beaches and footprints in the sand, but with a refreshing, salty touch you renew that loneliness we all experience. I especially love your contrast between wandering purposelessly along the beach and the steady heartbeat of the ebbing waves. *Star*

Waves, waves, washing the sands
clapping, lapping, drinking up the land.
Beaches, reaches far from home
lonely, only footprints roam.
Lost, tossed, currents growing stronger,
love, love, love no longer.


Out of the blue and grey of a talented poet comes these lyrical lines that echo eternally in my head...enough, enough...to live, to live... Sometimes we drown in love. You have truly touched me today with these magnificent lines. Thank you! *Smile*

Keep up the great work and always write on!

~ Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Starb* WRITE ON! *Starb*
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103
103
Review of Fairy Tales  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
高望みする 夢を見ることを恐れてはいけない
Reach for the stars. Do not be afraid to dream a dream.
*Starbr* *Starr* *Starv*

Hi J. Bell Author IconMail Icon! I noticed your entry in the "The Writer's Cramp" Open in new Window. and stopped by for a quick read. I was pleasantly surprised.

Your poem is very atmospheric, almost detached in some parts, and I read it too fast for comfort. A second read proved less of a stumble for me, as I paused to dwell on each line and phrase, especially in the first and last stanzas.

The metaphor of a princess in a tower is sweet, and I love the line I'd climb a thousand flights to elevate her. This rang the right bells for me.

Your near-rhymes are exquisite! Such delicacy and subtlety. *Thumbsup* I enjoyed the gentle flow of the rhythm, as well.

My only suggestion is to remove the ellipses, as there are six altogether and I don't feel they enhance the poem. I know they add emphasis, but they confused me at first. Also the lack of punctuation in the rest of the poem makes them stand out, and I wasn't sure if the capitalization of the first word of each line is necessary without other punctuation.

My favourite line is Hope... four letters and our goal. This expresses such harmony in the poem, as it fits so well with the other lines, as well as in the relationship between the two lovers.

I also really like Too late... that bridge is burned.

A dreamy love poem that left a sweet taste in my mouth. It was nice to read something happy as well as deep, since a lot of love poems are depressing. You employed the prompt words really well throughout the poem. I am reminded of new beginnings and of love that takes work, and only through time and experience is made stronger and richer.

         位 Rating: *Starr* *Starr* *Starr* *Starr*

Thanks for sharing! *Smile* I wish you all the best in the contest and in every writing endeavour.

愛 Fi Author IconMail Icon

常に WRITE ON! 書く
*Starbr* *Starr* *Starv*
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104
104
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Starb* A Rising Stars Member-To-Member Review *Starb*

Dear Robin:TheRhymeMaven Author Icon

A heart-rending, brutal poem brimming with stark sorrow at the hard reality of these wasted lives. The bitterness expressed in such fine lines, the fear, the darkness, the relentlessness of time. I feel sorry for these women, but do they want our pity? I wonder at their lifestyle and wish they could find fulfillment and satisfaction in life through better ways. But are we to judge them? Are we to look down on them? There is something untouchable about them, as if a gulf lies between their world and ours.

Is it because they associate with the dregs of society? Or are their customers just average men, as you illustrate with such force in the line Her men are men named John? I do not understand these women, but nor do I resent them. I do not approve of their way of life, but I do not judge them.

Your poem left me wondering if they are victims of chance or if they decide their fate like everyone else.


Darkness, starkness, streetlights
her tears a dried up well.
Queen of multitudes, slave of night,
she has one thing to sell.
What has she to lose?
What has she to gain?
On his breath she smells the booze,
in her body feels the pain.
Is it a trap or a lie?
Is it a choice she made?
Is it just another high,
another face to fade?
Another secret hidden,
a secret hushed,
a place forbidden,
a dream crushed.


Your poem is fantastic because you present an unbiased look at both sides of the story, lives of these women from each angle, evoking strong emotions in the reader.

Your rhymes are particularly fascinating and the rhythm is mesmerizing, flowing with such strength and purity, especially in the stanzas near the end of each verse.

You are unafraid to voice what is unspeakable, blunt and yet compassionate. The poem touches on the vulgar, but its lyrical form balances it gently, bringing together the beautiful and the ugly like gold in rock.

I have only one suggestion:
then their gone *Right* should be then they're gone

My favourite lines are:
The women of disgrace,
The women of despair.

These two lines slip together with such liquid heartbreak.

I also like:
These ladies of the night
Have grown up fast and hard.

Truth often hurts and reality is often difficult to accept.

Thank you for sharing this poem. I appreciate its message and can certainly recognize your talent in drawing these words together with such magic. *Star* Thank you for sharing. I'm glad I discovered this jewel your port. Keep up the great work!

~ Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Starb* WRITE ON! *Starb*
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105
105
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Leaf* A Rising Stars Review *Leafbr*

*Leafr* Note: As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Burstbr*

Hi revdbob Author IconMail Icon! Visiting your port, I was pleasantly surprised to read in your bioblock that you are a pastor. I thought, 'No doubt I'll find a few little gems in this port' and I was right!

*Leafy* After reading "Poetry 1: Baptized" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: This poem truly took my breath away. You express the message of this poem so beautifully. The words are sweet and and the rhyming simple, but the metaphorical imagery is what stole my heart away. I love the picture you paint of a castle, of an arrogant nobleman who watches the baptisms out his window and finally humbles himself, leaves his castle (his previous life) and submits to the waters of baptism.

There are a few places where the rhythm could be smoothed out, i.e. There they find drink, near they find food *Right* This line is too long and could be simplified to There they find drink and food

The repetition of the couplet in each verse, with variations, is haunting and graceful. However, it seemed a little bit too much at times, with so many verses. I'm not sure if this can be fixed – perhaps with six-line verses. I don't want to tell you to completely rewrite your poem, but you might find something you like if you experiment a little. *Smile* Of course, it's just a suggestion.

As often happens in poems with less syllables per poem, the rhyme felt a bit forced at times, i.e. “Come wash yourself in water wet; / come know the joy that you will get *Right* "Water wet" seems unnatural because the "wet" is unnecessary. I mean, what else is water? Dry? *Laugh*

The alliteration in the first line is nice, but it totally twisted my tongue! *Wink* For a first line, I suggest something a bit easier to grasp, since I had to reread it.

I especially like the line I hear trees whisper “Come one, Come all. *Star* Truly stirring.

The poem left me impressed and inspired. I also want to point out that the atmosphere you have established is incredible. I really, really enjoyed reading such a lyrical poem of an experience I can relate to. Thank you for sharing your talent. *Thumbsup* Keep up the great work!

God bless,
*Leafo* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Leaf* WRITE ON! *Leaf*
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106
106
Review of SnowAngel  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Congratulations on winning first place in Kiya's MB contest! This is a beautiful poem. Your rhythm and rhymes are almost perfect and the images you conjure up truly mesmerize me. The description of the seasons as people are beautiful. I think my favourite lines are 'Tis time after all, that controls the beat / of winter’s winds and summer’s heat. That really gave me the shivers, but every line has excellence of its own.

Thank you for sharing this fantastic poem and congratulations on the win! *Smile*

Take care,
~ Kasia


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107
107
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Blogging Circle of Friends  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Egg3* *Bigsmile* *Egg5* I found one of your eggs! *Egg7* *StarStruck* *Egg2*

*Egg1* Hi Cherry Mac Author IconMail Icon! I'm hunting through your port for eggs in the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. After reading "Trust Your Instinct" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer:

A story about a woman who finds a skull in her back yard and sees the ghost of a murdered man. The plot moves quickly, sometimes a bit too quickly, but the story was interesting and I enjoyed the read.

The first line is great, setting the scene and drawing the reader in.

When writing a character's thoughts, it's best to put them in italics. The constant switch between "she" and "I", "her" and "me", etc., is confusing and distracting. Italics indicate a kind of inner dialogue which wouldn't make sense otherwise. Perhaps more spacing would help the suspense build up.

Perhaps a bit of work on the conversation between the ghost and Alicia? It seemed...too natural, as if they spoke everyday, if you know what I mean.

The end is nice, but I'd like more description of the last scene, with the ghost appearing for the final time. It is the climax of the story, but I didn't feel the conflict and urgency I wish I had. The story seems to build up to something that's going to happen, and you can cap it off quite neatly with a bit more description, especially of the dog.

Remember, these are just my suggestions. Take or leave what you like. *Smile*

I like it how Alicia names the dog "Harry". That was really sweet.

The story is realistic, and you make the ghost scene believable. It's sweet, too, and the dog is cute. *Heart* Thanks for sharing this delightful little tale. I enjoyed the read. *Smile*

*Egg6* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Egg3* WRITE ON! *Egg2*

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108
108
Review of Outmaneuvered  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Blogging Circle of Friends  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Egg3* *Bigsmile* *Egg5* I found one of your eggs! *Egg7* *StarStruck* *Egg2*

*Egg1* Hi Cherry Mac Author IconMail Icon! I'm hunting through your port for eggs in the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. After reading "Outmaneuvered" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer:

Ooh, talk about cliffhanger! *Smile* You fly through the necessities of this prologue, introducing your character Susan Richards with ease and confidence. She's a typical picture of perfect, a picture that I suspect is going to get damaged or go through something difficult. The suspense at the end is killing me! I must find out what happens.

Your grammar is good, except I noticed a few typos:

Binda. New South Wales, *Right* Should be Binda, New South Wales.

When old enough for high school Susan was sent *Right* Place comma after "school".

her studies,life found *Right* Insert space after comma.

Pleased by her accomplishments she confidently *Right* Place comma after "accomplishments".

business man *Right* Should be "businessman".

organized.and she *Right* Remove the random period thrown in there! *Laugh*

Also, beware of changing between past and present verb tense. It can be distracting, and there are a few parts that could do with smoothing over, such as His rugged yet handsome face broke into a grin *Right* The previous sentence is present tense while this sentence is past tense. Then in the next sentence you switch back into present tense.

One thing I could suggest is giving your Susan a more personal side. At the moment the reader gets a brief character sketch about her professional life and personal appearance. To endear the reader to her, perhaps you could give her more character or quirks. Even some silly habit would help us get to know her more. What about family? Does she have siblings or maybe a boyfriend? Personality? Is she talkative or quiet? Does she have a funny side, or is she quite serious? I know you can't answer everything in the prologue, but a few more steps could be taken to round off this opening.

With a bit of polishing, I'm sure this prologue will reach a great standard. *Smile* Thank you for sharing. I enjoyed the read.

*Egg6* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Egg3* WRITE ON! *Egg2*

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109
109
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Blogging Circle of Friends  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Egg3* *Bigsmile* *Egg5* I found one of your eggs! *Egg7* *StarStruck* *Egg2*

*Egg1* Hi Chrys O'Shea - Writing again Author IconMail Icon! I'm hunting through your port for eggs in the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. After reading "Which One Will Win?" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer:

At the beginning of this poem, I was thinking, "I like it." In the middle, I was thinking, "This is profound." At the end, I was thinking, "Wow. That was awesome."

In such simple words you describe the two sides of us, and the last line summed it up so well. I absolutely love that last line. It totally makes the poem. It hit me like a punch. Powerful. *Star* It was worth it for that line. *Smile*

The rhyme is unique. At first it looks like free verse, but as I read I discovered the rhymes. Like finding unexpected little jewels. Each line has a kind of rhythm of its own... It flows so well, like someone talking or singing, and yet it's dramatic as well.

Thank you so much for sharing this delightful little piece. The message rings in my ears, and especially that last line: "The wolf you choose to feed." I savour it on my tongue and drink the depth of its message. Very clever, very beautiful and meaningful. *Star* You have encouraged me and challenged me: to feed the right wolf. To become the best I can be, to reach for the highest.

Keep it up!

*Egg6* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Egg3* WRITE ON! *Egg2*

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110
110
Review of White Balloons  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Reading* A review affiliated with "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. *Quill*


*Umbrellab* Hi Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉtcÄ¥ Author IconMail Icon! After reading "White Balloons" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer:

Wow, wow, wow. I just can't pass the opportunity to drop a line of thanks and encouragement for this poem.

As I read this poem, my heart skipped a beat. I could swear you were describing a funeral I attended recently. For a moment I wondered if you could have been there yourself, somehow, because every word of this poem fit the scene I was blessed to witness.

Friends of mine lost their son in the eighth month of pregnancy. It was especially heart-breaking, since he was their first son. They have three daughters, and as I read "A girl clung to her mother's waist", I could just see her standing there in her little blue skirt and white top as the blue and white balloons drifted away to the horizon. The balloons closed the colourful grave-side service looking heavenward, a very touching moment. *Balloonb* I want balloons at my funeral. *Heart*

Every line of this poem speaks directly to me. My only regret is that it doesn't rhyme. *Smile* Thank you so much for writing and sharing this sweet moment in verse. You really touched me.

Keep it up! *Star*

*Pencil* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Balloonr* WRITE ON! *Balloonb*

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111
111
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Umbrellab* Hi Jeff Author IconMail Icon! This review comes as part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. *Smile* After reading "For Want Of A King" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer:

*Earth* Overall Impression: A short story about a woman in a poker championship who gambles high stakes and loses, but in the end comes away feeling like she won – won the respect of her opponent.

Not the typical happy ending, the end should technically be disappointing with her loss, but I love the twist you spun across. That was really well handled, and I came away feeling exhilarated. *Thumbsup*

*Boat* Plot & Pace: You did well in building the tension as the plot progresses. The thoughts of the protagonist are interesting – I enjoyed reading the calculations she was making in her mind. I found myself respecting her for her guts, and at the same time yelling at the screen for her not to make the bet. I wouldn't have been able to do it. Somehow her decision seemed wild, stupid, risky – but the risk of it was the whole thrill. I felt like I was one of the onlookers in the audience, holding my breath, sitting on the edge of the seat.

I have played poker on a casual level a few times with friends (we gamble fake money or sweets), and so I understand the tension of the game and the sensation of intense suspense (wow, did that rhyme?! *Laugh*) – at a very small level! This sensation multiplied by a few million dollars sent my brain crazy. How can people risk so much? And yet, somehow I feel like I understand the desperate risk. You brought all this across really well. The suspense of the story was acute, and you made me feel it, all right!

*Captainwheel* Characters: There are two characters in this story, and each are drawn together by their crazy, calculating poker-brains to face each other in the championships. For once, it was nice to be on the loser's side and experience her disappointment – and the upside of it. It would be really scary to face a woman like that across a poker table.

One thing maybe you could add in is a bit of a description of the other woman through the main characters eyes. Just a sentence would help the reader envisage her.

*Anchor* Setting & Imagery: I love it how the story is mostly experienced by the reader through the thoughts of the protagonist rather than her eyes. You carried this style steadily all the way through, and it seemed that only at the end did we see a bit more through her eyes, since the game was over and her mind was relaxing. This style shows the deep concentration it takes to play such a game.

I especially like the part when she hears the murmurs in the audience – it seems so distant to the reader's mind, as it is distant to her.

*Compass* Grammar & Typos: Your grammar is flawless, and I only have one or two tiny little suggestions: *Bigsmile*

empty handed *Right* Should this be "empty-handed"?

beginning to sweat...beads of sweat *Right* Repetition of "sweat". Perhaps "perspiration" could replace the second one?

I like it how you put the cards in bold. At first I found it a bit strange, but I warmed to it. Now I really like it. Don't change that. *Thumbsup*

Oh, and the quote at the beginning is awesome. Of course, I didn't really understand the relevance of it until I read the story (duh, it is kinda obvious!). I love that quote. It's hilarious and has a ring of truth. I love how you put it in context of gambling. Awesome. *Star*

*Waterdrop* Favorite Lines:

Now it was just the two of us, and I was really beginning to sweat. *Right* A fantastic opening line! I was gripped instantly.

That was the best hand of my life. *Right* And that was a fantastic ending line. Love it.

*Boat2* Conclusion: The cliffhanger is brilliant. Just as the last card is about to be turned over. I was so mad when I didn't find out! You positively broke my heart. *Laugh* The bar scene is great, because you still have the reader's attention riveted. When the opponent shakes her hand, the reader realizes what they've gone through: it wasn't about the money, it wasn't about the game. It was about the respect of two rivals for each other.

Professional.

I absolutely love that end, and so I would like to bestow upon your excellent story a generous...

         *Preserver* Rating: *Starb* *Starb* *Starb* *Starb* *Halfstar*

I forgive you for dragging me through a rocky ride. The suspense nearly killed me! I propose a toast to a SoCalScribe who has mastered the art of creating suspense and utterly frustrating and thrilling the reader with a rewarding read! *Bigsmile* Thank you for sharing your talent. I wish you all the best with your writing future. Keep shining! *Balloonb*

*Umbrellav* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Anchor* WRITE ON! *Anchor*

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112
112
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Umbrellab* Hi Iva Lilly Durham Author IconMail Icon! I'm back again with another review as part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window., and after reading "Saints and Sinners" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer:

*Earth* Overall Impression: A story about two cousins who grow up together, grow apart and grow closer through their lives. Another masterfully-told tale about family relationships. It's a treat to read your insightful and inspiring work. *Smile*

*Boat* Plot & Pace: The plot felt a little fragmented at times, with the breaks and changes of scene interrupting the narrative. I think the story would be much happier with a smoother flow. Maybe removing the breaks altogether would make the journey more seamless?

*Captainwheel* Characters: My favourite scene was at the beginning, on Christmas Eve. Rosie's sarcasm is hilarious, but her compassion for her little cousin shines through.

All the characters are rough and raw and realistic. Uncle Billy works at the mine, is fond of his daughter and likes to drink, but not harmfully. Through mentions of the church, the mine, school and home, the reader gets a picture of small town life and all the crazy kinds of people it takes to make a world. *Smile*

*Anchor* Setting & Imagery: Setting is just enough to get by, because this is another classic character-driven story.

*Compass* Grammar & Typos: Just a few little typos I noticed could be fixed to sharpen up the narrative:

The rest? ... just myths. *Right* Remove ellipsis or capitalize "just".

'Janelle the inept." *Right* Replace apostrophe with quotation mark.

My Uncle Billy *Right* "My" does not need to be capitalized, since it is not the start of a sentence.

"What's wrong with you." *Right* Replace period with question mark.

I hate for people to smack their lips while eating. *Right* Sentence does not make sense. Consider replacing "I hate for people to" with "I hate it when people".

'Why can't you be like Rosie and make A's." *Right* Again, replace apostrophe with quotation mark.

"Who wants to be like Rosie." *Right* Replace period with question mark.

from reading too much my MawMaw said. *Right* Place comma after "too much".

#24 FWB as it was known did not allow *Right* Place comma after "FWB" and "known".

*Waterdrop* Favorite Lines:

"Kapeesh." *Right* I learned a new word today. *Laugh* Quite quirky, too.

We look amazingly alike, both with lots of gray in our hair now. We still have good legs. *Right* Sweet and funny.

*Boat2* Conclusion: I like the ending, how Rosie realizes her life was worthwhile because of Janelle. They make such a cute pair, and I can imagine them getting into lots of mischief together.

         *Preserver* Rating: *Starb* *Starb* *Starb* *Starb*

Thank you for sharing. I have enjoyed reading and reviewing your work. You certainly have a unique style, easily endearing the reader. Keep up the great work!

*Umbrellav* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Anchor* WRITE ON! *Anchor*

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113
113
Review of Not a Good Fit  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Leaf* A Rising Stars Review *Leafbr*


*Leafr* Note: As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Burstbr*

Hi Beck Firing back up! Author IconMail Icon! I came across your port after clicking "random read", and here I am. *Leafy*

After reading "Not a Good Fit" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: This is a fun story about a guy going for a job interview at a 5-star restaurant. For an all-dialogue story, you managed it perfectly. It's funny and easy to read and understand. I could picture the speakers without any description to help me out, and when you can do that with dialogue, you know you're on the right track! There are few writers who can pull this off as well as you do.

I noticed no grammar mistakes – it was a pleasure to read a flawless story.

If I could be really picky (please forgive me, I know these are ridiculously insignificant), you may want to add the acute accents on the e's in resume: résumé

Also, restaurant titles are easier to read when they are italicized or put between quotation marks, such as Burger Barn, Taco R Us, and Pizzas and Stuff (Should it be Pizzas & Stuff?)

I love the gardening bit, and the ending is hilarious. I was cracking up.

Thank you for giving me a laugh. *Star* Comedy gives us all a smile when we most need it. This story is up to a publishing standard. I wish you the best of luck in the future! Keep up the great work.

*Leafo* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Leaf* WRITE ON! *Leaf*
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114
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Review of The Wherewithal  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Reading* A Review affiliated with "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. *Quill*


Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*

Hi ~MM~ Author IconMail Icon! *Pen* I got here after clicking on "random read", and was pleasantly surprised with a quick, easy and thought-provoking read.

After reading "The Wherewithal" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: First let me say what a pleasure it is to read a grammar-perfect story! The paragraphs are spaced nicely and the sentences spread out. I noticed no mistakes or even typos. All is well-laid out and clear, providing a very easy read.

This short story is about a mage overcoming herself before mastering her power. I love the idea portrayed through this, that we must first become our own masters before anything else is given us.

As it is, this is a complete short story. Any more detail would only clog it up. It flows like a dream, and I absolutely love your descriptions. You really immerse the reader in the scene, into the mood, without being over-bearing. The bodily reactions reflect the emotional turmoil, and although once or twice it was a bit exaggerated, you got away with it. There are a lot of adverbs in there that really work. Congratulations on mastering the adverbs! (Is this what the story is really about, mastering your adverbs? *Laugh* Then I'm still on that journey!)

Seriously, the awardicon is well-deserved. You have talent and potential, so don't give it up.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I can offer no suggestions, except to write more! I have thoroughly enjoyed the read, and wish you all the best in your writing future. Thanks for sharing!

*Quill* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Quill* WRITE ON! *Reading*

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115
115
Review of Nature Never Told  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Reading* A Review affiliated with "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. *Quill*

Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*

Hi Basilides Author IconMail Icon! I came across your poem through one of the newsletters that featured it. I was curious because I rarely see a 250k awardicon on a static item! But now I understand entirely.

*Pen* After reading "Nature Never Told" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: This poem struck to my core. I have never read such a beautiful, heart-breaking tribute before. Your imagery melts me and the wording gives me the shivers. Every line is a precious jewel. The rhyme and meter is perfect, the sincerity and ease with which you pen these words is stunning, and the pain and hope reach perfect harmony.

There are moments of poetical genius in here, with lines such as Instead, our first hello becomes a wint'ry last goodbye and But now your tales are fairer and your verse eclipses mine, but also the natural anguish of parents losing a child precious beyond imagining: Death stole away the dreams we kept like clothes for dressing you. Then the final couplet brings hope and healing, which I hope you found after the death of your baby girl, and also to countless other parents who have lost a child and have the privilege of reading this poem. I have never gone through such an experience, but some close friends of mine lost their unborn son recently, and I think this poem expresses exactly what they've gone through.

Thank you very much for sharing. *Star* I think I have found the perfect poem at last.

~ Kasia
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116
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Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Umbrellar* As part of your sh*Burstb*wer from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.! *Umbrellav*

 Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*

*Umbrellar* Hi Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon! After reading "The Unknown Benefactor" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: A boy doesn't come home from school and his family is worried. A surprise hero emerges.

Considering this story is entirely written in dialogue, I think you have done well. However, let me be totally honest: I think the dialogue form doesn't do it credit. The reader can't see or feel anything – the mother's worry comes through in the dialogue, but not as well as it could. It feels fragmented and skeletal. I think the simple fix for this would be returning to the traditional story-telling style.

However, this is just my opinion and it's your story, so if you like it best as it is, then that's okay. It's a heart-warming little tale and I enjoyed the read. Thank you for sharing. Keep it up!

*Umbrellav* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Umbrellap* WRITE ON! *Umbrellap*

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117
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Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*

*Umbrellar* As as part of your sh*Burstb*wer from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.!*Umbrellav*

 Note: *Burstbr* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Burstbr*

Hello again, CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon! I'm here with another review wishing you a DOUBLE happy Anniversary!

*Umbrellab* After reading "The Punishment of Man" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: This is an outrageously funny flash-fiction piece. It's so short, it's almost a joke! The voices of the gods are hilarious, with each one chipping in, and I love the punchline. *Laugh* Even though I'm a gal, I can appreciate good humour, even chauvinist. (I have one for you: Why are men like noodles? – They are always in hot water. They lack taste. They need dough.)

The only suggestion I could make is that all the Greek names are distracting. But I suppose it all enhances the flavour of the piece.

This is awesome! Keep it up.

*Umbrellav* Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Umbrellap* WRITE ON! *Umbrellap*

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118
118
Review of Charming  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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affiliated with "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.


Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*

Hi Vacant Vagrant Author IconMail Icon! This review comes from over at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. Apologies for the delay. *Smile*

*Pen* After reading "Charming" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: I love the atmosphere of this story. It’s very grey and haunting. Also, each word, sentence and paragraph flows on smoothly from the previous. Your descriptions are vivid and beautiful, and your writing style is appealing.

The beach scene is really well-written. I like the conversation between Sands and Lane. I feel like I know them already.

What this story lacks, I believe, is a stronger climax and resolution, with a satisfying end. The reader needs to know more to feel any sense of urgency when Lane decides to stay with his wife. The change of scene into the hospital was a bit confusing at first, but the shift was smooth and easy to follow. The dialogue between Sands and the nurse is great, too, but because of the familiar way they spoke, at first I thought Sands was a doctor.

Maybe a little bit more could be said to connect the two scenes together. The first time I read this story I had little idea what it’s about, but it was late at night and I was tired. *Smile* Now I think I understand it, and I really like the way you moved the story so subtly. It’s difficult to be mysterious and yet leave the reader satisfied at the end, and you’ve accomplished it well.

Watch out for your paragraphing. Dialogue should always be two spaces apart.

“...wildest dreams.” [Insert ¶ here]

They were standing... *Right* Perhaps “they stood” would be better here.

His laughter echoed that of the dolphins. *Right* What dolphins? They aren’t previously mentioned and we hear nothing more about dolphins throughout the rest of the story. Is this sentence necessary?

...where she had taken up residence. *Right* Would “where she lived” work better?

A shiver along his spine made him think that the former was more likely. *Right* Avoid using “the former” and “the latter”, as, more often than not, it causes the reader to pause and read the previous sentence to remind himself what the former or latter was. The structure of this sentence is also a bit awkward. Consider: A shiver ran along his spine, and made him think that the former was more likely.

...gesturing toward the little house. *Right* What little house? More description, please?

...who was now focused on them, unsmiling. *Right* ...whose eyes now focused on them, unsmiling. or ...who watched them, unsmiling.

Sands stood... He saw... He looked... He walked... He offered... Selena’s grey tresses... Lane’s wrinkles... He waved... He opened... *Right* Sometimes the sentence structure is repetitive. Try to vary your structures to make sentences more interesting.

...Sands smirked... *Right* Is “smirked” the right word? Smirk: smile in an irritatingly smug, conceited, or silly way. It doesn’t fit well here. I can imagine him smiling sadly, shaking his head, smiling knowingly, – any of these, but not smirking.

The bright light of the hallway was brilliant and intrusive. *Right* We’ve already established that the light is bright. Brilliant doesn’t seem to be the right word. Perhaps “sharp” would be a a more fitting replacement?

...hope, though the expression... *Right* ...hope, although the expression...


The more I read this story, the more I like it. The plot is fantastic and I love your style. You certainly have talent. I admire your skill for so effortlessly “showing not telling.” Watch your sentence structure, keep it varied, and watch out for those little typos, but apart from that, flawless grammar. *Star* Overall, a unique and interesting read. Certainly not the typical short story, and again, I stress the magnificent atmosphere you have achieved.

Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of reading and reviewing "Charming". I have thoroughly enjoyed the experience and wish you all the best in every future writing endeavour. *Thumbsup* Keep up the great work!

Fi Author IconMail Icon

*Quill* WRITE ON! *Reading*

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119
119
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*

Part of the New Zealand package won in "WDC Around the World *CLOSED*" Open in new Window.

*Pen* After reading "Chapter 2 -- Daughter In Pain" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: This chapter continues straight on from the previous. Danerah has joined the group around the pyre and we discover the body being burned was her "beloved", and we find out later she was in love with him. She goes into a trance and some weird stuff happens. *Pthb* I was left wondering the purpose – is this the traditional way of grieving in Methandar, or what is she trying to achieve? Is it worth the pain? But then we read on and are enlightened a little... The vision means something, but Danerah is uncertain what exactly.

A lot of emotions fill this chapter. Understandably, Danerah is in a very stressful situation and the emotions therein are strong. There is pain, defeat, fatigue and a lot of questions.

There's a lot of magic talked about, and a sword that must be recovered for some reason (cliche alert).

The style of this narrative is a bit cluttered and I found it difficult to follow without pausing to glance back, especially in the first paragraphs of this chapter. The sentences tend to be long and full of adverbs. For a smoother read, pull back on the adverbs and try to replace them with atmosphere, which is subtler and more effective. A single word can set the tone of a whole sentence or paragraph, so choose them carefully.

Also, vary sentence structure. Many sentences have the same form (i.e. starting with "the" or "a" or "she"). Here is an example of how you might adjust the first paragraph: "A glow simmered in the night sky overhead, reflecting the flames striking up from the hilltop. But another light pierced the dark clouds, forming a blue-white column, and at its core stood a cloaked woman, her legs spaced widely apart and her willowy arms arced skywards. Whether simply through will of thought she steeled her stance, it was unclear. The radiance around her blanched her skin and flushed her face, and garishly highlighted the rims of her eyes."

By shortening sentences and removing unnecessary or cluttering words, you can give your readers a much more enjoyable experience.

The solid layer of clouds simmering in the darkening sky reflected the glow striking up from the hilltop. *Right* This first sentence has a lot of descriptive words. It's a very full sentence to start with. Chop it in two or remove/rearrange some words.

She struggled to not call out the name. *Right* She struggled against the urge to call out the name.

...through wisps of dark brown hair... *Right* Cliché alert!

His small face was serene and his light brown curls of hair tapered about his cheeks and ears and held their place despite the wind. He kneeled there motionless and not wearing his heavy cloak. *Right* Repetition of the word “and”.

...luminous stalks of fairy wings emerged at his back. *Right* This one took me by surprise. Fairy wings? This turns the character into an earthly fairy tale. Cut out the word fairy, and perhaps rephrase that sentence.

The last two paragraphs really don’t work for me. Danerah is in emotional turmoil. Her sudden transition from deep sorrow and inner struggle to admiring Guillian and exchanging light-hearted words is completely unbelievable. Any other place and time would show the relationship between the two characters well, but here it seems false. Aren’t they on the verge of embarking on a dangerous journey? Wouldn’t they be sober, tense, alert?

~ Kasia
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120
120
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*


Part of the New Zealand package won in "WDC Around the World *CLOSED*" Open in new Window.

*Pen* After reading "Chapter 1 -- Methandar Rise" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: The scene described in this chapter draws us into the action and lends insight into the people of Methandar. Your writing style is consistent and grammar flawless.

It's the third scene and narrative change after Invocation and the Preface, making it a little hard to adjust to, but it works. Like I said in my review of The Cursed Land, a little smoothing over will make these scene changes seamless.

The chapter opens with a new character, Danerah. Who she is and how she relates, we are still uncertain. It appears the scene is a burial rite, almost like a cult. Villagers are gathering around a pyre to burn a body. There's not much for the reader to relate to, as we are still unsure of where exactly we are, where we're heading and who Danerah is.

Tread carefully here, as it can be frustrating to be kept in the dark for long. The reader can feel cheated and frustrated that the characters seem to know more than us, as usually it's the other way around, the reader knowing more than the character(s). Make sure there's enough to be curious, but enough to satisfy as well.

I noticed one typo: eventhough should be even though. Also, should a just word or a motion be just a word or motion?

Different spellings of magic ("magick") are really clichéd in fantasy writing. Can you come up with something different?

Individuals stepped forward and called out names of the, now, interdimensional beings the members knew had recently made this journey as well. *Right* Yikes! That's a scary sentence. *Sick* May want to think about adjusting.

All right, that's it for Chapter 1. Onwards I go...

~ Kasia
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121
121
Review of The Cursed Land  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*


Part of the New Zealand package won in "WDC Around the World *CLOSED*" Open in new Window.

*Pen* After reading "The Cursed Land" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: First let me say my specialty is not in the fantasy genre, although I intend to read more widely in to counter this. I must admit I was expecting more of a "novel" when I offered the review package, but since your story is a fantasy, I will do my best.

I'm torn between loving and hating this preface! The first time I read it, I was really frustrated at not knowing anything about Methandar and not seeing the direction the story was taking. It seemed disconnected. But reading it again, I realized you have some great paragraphs in here and it could work really well with a few adjustments.

At the moment the beginning feels a bit cluttered. The Invocation, Preface and first chapter are all written in very different styles, and this makes it difficult to follow. I like the Invocation, but I think the Preface falls a bit on deaf ears, for me at least. There is a lot of information that the author almost expects us to understand, and certainly this is flattering, but it leaves us in the dark a bit and wishing to get to the first chapter, with the action and who is actually the central character in this story.

My suggestion is either 1) flesh out the preface, make it more clear how it connects the Invocation and Chapter One, make it crisp and informative, or 2) cut it out altogether. I think the former would work better, and suit the story well.

Tell us a few clearer facts about Methandar – don't be afraid to explain a bit to give a wider view of your world.

On the other hand, I love your description and the opening phrase is great. *Thumbsup* So keep it up.

~ Kasia
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122
122
Review of Invocation  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Note: *Burstp* As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile* *Bursto*

Hi Walkinbird 3 Jan 1892 Author IconMail Icon! These reviews come as part of the New Zealand package you won in "WDC Around the World *CLOSED*" Open in new Window.. Apologies for the delay – it has taken time to read through your story and pen these reviews. But they're here at last and I hope you enjoy! *Smile*

*Pen* After reading "Invocation" Open in new Window., I have these comments to offer: This prayer is a beautiful and strange beginning, and prompts the reader’s curiosity to read on. We learn a little about the world of Methandar, it isn’t on earth and appears to be another planet, “between heaven and earth”. “Vast plains” are mentioned, implying fertility or desolation, and a few characters are also mentioned: a “magikhan”, Falk Cordin, and his apprentice, Guillian, and we assume we’ll learn more about them as the story progresses. The speaker remains anonymous, but somehow s/he knows Danerah, who is introduced in Chapter One.

Only two grammar suggestions:

MY *Right* Avoid capitals in the body of the narrative. For emphasis, use italics.

At the end, “Blessed Mother, hear my prayer,” should probably be spaced down another paragraph to keep consistent with the rest of the narrative.


"Invocation" is a unique and interesting way to begin a fantasy story. I enjoyed the read, although I'm still a bit in the dark...

~ Kasia
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123
123
Review of Autumn's Song  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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affiliated with "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.


An elegant poem with unique rhyme and scrumptious imagery. The atmosphere is very wintry, very season-y. Well done. *Star*

I think a more established meter might bring this piece up to a standard of perfection. And watch out for those little typos – "earths" should be "earth's", etc.

And one final little suggestion: "yellows so bold" sounds like tongue-twister territory to me. How about just "yellows bold"? Smooth out those little wrinkles by reading the poem aloud to yourself. (I know, it can be embarrassing if someone catches you, but just pretend it's a poem someone else wrote and you're memorizing it! *Laugh*)

My favourite lines are
         The earths smell is best described antique
         So much beauty to live for, such a gift

but overall

         When fall's chilly breeze weaves through the fiery trees
         Remember to dance in the sea of leaves

Oh boy, those two give me the shivers (the good kind of shivers).

...and I'll also mention the phrase "wonders of winter". That line is very musical.

Thank you for entering your poem "Autumn's Song" Open in new Window. in Round 9 of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. We really appreciate the time you have taken to pen this piece. *Star* Hope to see you and your talent partnering in the next round!

~ Kasia
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*Quill* WRITE ON! *Reading*

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124
124
Review of Adieu  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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affiliated with "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.



Magnificent imagery! A powerful description of changing seasons.

I really like the unique aspect of this piece. It is poetic, yet not a poem. Story-like, yet not a story. Any form would almost subtract from its glory. Every sentence is a delight, every description a luscious taste. The atmosphere is of sorrow and sunshine, and I feel the piece is at its climax in the second paragraph, beginning With the roads barren and the front yards bare...

I noticed only one typo: reminiced is spelled reminisced

And my other suggestion is to try more variety in sentence structure. Many begin with "the", "they" and "it", especially in the first paragraph, which can be distracting or monotonous. But, on the other hand, you want to keep the balance right between frank and lyrical. Just a few tweaks and it will be perfect. *Smile* And I'll rate it "perfect" in advance.

My favourite lines are definitely the last two sentences. Ooh, they give me the shivers.
         This is how we bid adieu.
         Until tomorrow, if it ever comes.

I would almost say these lines "sum it up" really well, but those words are too coarse. They are like breaking out of a tunnel and bursting into the light, or diving into cold fresh water, or smelling the earth after the rain.

What a splendid interpretation of the prompt, and masterfully told! *Star*

Thank you for entering your piece "Adieu" Open in new Window. in Round 9 of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

~ Kasia
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Review of Winter Colors  Open in new Window.
Review by Fi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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affiliated with "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.


Simple verse and rhyming really compliments your excellent imagery. A lovely, fresh interpretation of the prompt.

My favourite lines are
         The frost-covered branches glittered
         As did the bench below.

This short poem thrives pink, dewy and lively. You have excelled in painting a picture with words. *Star* Keep up the great work!

Thank you for entering your poem "Winter Colors" Open in new Window. in Round 9 of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

~ Kasia
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