A Showering Acts of Joy Review
as part of your shwer from "Invalid Item" !
Note: As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away!
Hi Jeannie ! This review comes from over at the "The Grammar Garden's Gardeners"
After reading "The Proposition " , I have these comments to offer: This story is promising. You've used an idea and created a scary story woven in mystery. But there's still some work to do, and I can offer some helpful suggestions for improvement.
First let me say I'm not a great fan of horror and vampires and all that, but I'm fond of a good scare every now and then.
I have two primary reactions after reading this story, which I will expand on in a moment: 1) There needs to be more detail, more "show don't tell," and, 2) it should be creepier.
At the moment, I feel you have the skeleton of the story, but it needs filling in. More description might help. Don't be afraid of exceeding a word limit ~ a good writer can always make the reader forget length. (If you do want to cut it down, I thought the first scene is a bit irrelevant. You could also almost entirely cut the character Jennifer, as we never find out who she actually is and how she relates to the story; and begin the story with Elaina on her front doorstep. It might be scarier if she just found this guy in her house.)
This leads me on to the second point. Stories are always better with less and blood and gore and more creepiness. We know Dracula and the Angel of Death don't exist, that they're clichéd and mythical beings, and it would take a whole novel to convince the reader of their existence. In a short story, one doesn't have enough space to go into detail about how these beings came to exist. The reader wants to laugh off the silliness of it all instead of being scared out of their wits.
Which gives you the creeps ~ blood and bodies and screaming, or at home alone on a cold, windy night? In most cases, the latter is scarier because it's real, common, and the reader is more likely to freak out next time they're home alone.
Anyway, to get back on track...
The parties are great. They're the core of your story and the force behind our apprehension as we read. What will happen at the next party? What about the last one? However, they don't quite lead up to the end as I expected they would. Perhaps the suspense would be stronger if something ominous happened at each. Otherwise, they are almost irrelevant to the plot.
The first scene with Leviathan is confusing. One moment, Elaina is confused, the next moment she's pleading, then she's taken aback, then she's demanding, then she's playing along, then she's being gullible, then she's afraid, then she's tempted to give him a karate chop, then she's glaring at him, then she's puzzled. Certainly I can imagine a lot of mixed emotions in a scene like this, but she needs to be realistic and maybe a bit steadier. Pick her primary reaction and bring it out over the others. Explain all of her mood swings, or tame them down a bit.
The bit where Elaina has to sleep with Dracula really put me off, not in the right way. The scene seems to contradict the whole tone of the narrative. I imagine it would be a pretty horrific experience, and it could almost work as the climax, but it passed within a few sentences, leaving me wondering what the whole point of the piece was.
I would love to know a little more about Leviathan. He appears suddenly at the beginning and disappears at the end without explanation. Either it should lend to the mystery and leave the reader wondering, or resolve with a bit more explanation. At the moment it's kind of in between. I still want to know who he is, if he worked for Dracula or whatever, and why did he give Elaina a million dollars for going to the parties? What is his motive, his gain?
And at the end, I'd love to know how Elaina felt. Wouldn't there be permanent psychological damage after what she went through? I feel she's a bit "used and abused". Make it clear that her life doesn't begin and end with this story. Hint at a life outside the bounds of your words. Was the million-dollar reward worth it? What does she plan to do with it?
Take a moment to polish up the grammar in this story (don't we love our grammar... ). Here's a few suggestions (my edits in lblue):
I turned my collar up to stem the shiver; shiver. I didn’t like this short cut, especially on a breezy, moonless nights. But Jennifer said to hurry. I hope this isn’t hoped this wasn't another of her frivolous antics. Replace the semicolon after "shiver" with a full stop. It will make a more gripping beginning. Remove the word "a" because "breezy, moonless nights" is plural. "hope this isn't" should probably be "hoped this wasn't", or italicize to indicate a thought process. The sudden swing from past tense to present tense is distracting – it follows into the next two sentences as well. Watch out for your verb tenses, as I noticed it switches in several places. The easiest fix for this perhaps is to italicize and add "I thought".
“What! Who are you? How do you know my name?” I asked, taken aback. Jennifer just introduced them, so he would naturally know her name.
Was this a joke? I’ll play along and see where this goes. This seems a bit of a strange reaction. If I were Elaina, I would be like, "Tell me who the hell you are or get out of my home!" And I would slap him if he got in my way and turn on the lights. If he didn't get out or explain himself quickly, I'd then call the cops. Elaina needs some common sense that makes the reader relate to her.
"Simply put, you’ll lose your soul! soul." The exclamation mark seems out of place here, as he is apparently speaking quietly and calmly (the "simply put" also indicates this). Also, watch out for your exclamation marks. There are a lot of them, particularly in this part of the story, and they're distracting.
I needed some assurance as to about what’s going on. "as to" is a very stiff, awkward phrase which can be simply replaced with "about" or, on more formal occasions, "concerning".
“The last two parties are given by MY my friends... Avoid capitals at all costs. To stress a word, merely italicize.
Watch out for your dialogue punctuation. Sometimes dialogue is incorrectly opened or closed. It's an easy mistake to make. For more about punctuating dialogue see http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writingexercise...
These are a few grammar suggestions, but I think it would be best for you to go through and correct your errors. You can use a spell/grammar check, too. There are a lot of them on the internet that not only check spelling but also note incorrect grammar.
I hope you find my comments useful. Thank you for sharing and allowing me the pleasure of reading and reviewing. I have enjoyed spending time in your port, and wish you all the best with your writing in the future. Keep up the great work!
~ Kasia
Fi
WRITE ON!
Always write, even when your pen is dry and there is no paper.
"I will bless the L ORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul will make its boast in the L ORD;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.
O magnify the L ORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together."
~ Psalm 34:1 - 3
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
|
|