Hi JSR. Welcome to Writing.com. I enjoyed reading "Lost in Thought". I think it's very well written and has a beginning, middle and end which is critical to a well told story. My only suggestion for your poem has to do with placement on the page. I'll share a couple examples:
On a briar pipe he's smoking,
thoughts and images invoking,
memories and things gone by him,
clearer might his mind implore
Lonely paths whose steps are trodden
only by those men of yore,
and will tread again once more.
Battle-cries and arms contested,
foes who, one by one, he's bested,
cagey craft and curious cunning,
sent them running from the field,
Now a foe comes, whose far darker
plots and devices are their marker,
shadow-shapes that walk the streets
with shadow-weapons that they wield,
Lost in thought, on their defeat
the final blow which makes them yield,
Thus their fate, it shall be sealed.
I didn't do the whole poem, but you see my drift. Only an opinion JSR, however I think it's one worth consideration so I'm sharing. Best of luck to you and keep writing this great poetry.
All the best.
Furaha.
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Hello BlackAmbrosia. Your Stream of Concious Chaos resonates within me in a way that is so personal and in my face. As I read your work, it sounds so much like the speak in my own head and heart that I was aware there was a moment of concious thought that I wish I'd written this profound poem. The free verse is very comfortable, almost conversational. Great job and welcome to Writing.com
All the best.
Furaha.
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Hello David. Welcome to Writing.com This is an exquisitely beautiful creation. The imagery is spectacular in description and I enjoyed reading every precious word of it. My favorite verse for imagery is:
And better still the heads that twitch
Towards the sky as I unveil
The majesty of milkwhite flame
That beckons from my head to tail
I'm very proud to be the first to read and review, and I'm certain there will be many others who'll do the same. I look forward to reading more and I do hope you will submit this to the Newbie Challenge. I'll send the link so you can. All the best David Noet.
Very good work on sadness. Melancholy is an appropriate title. The lower case and lack of punctuation helps to support the imagery in the poem I think. In this level of sadness, nothing other than the sadness matters, so it's quite logical the words would fall as they would with no room for extra energy go into punctuation; the object is to get the pain out. It never ceases to amaze me the poetry that comes about when the soul is truly tested.
Very good work Icehound. I see the homeless man very clearly sitting in the station on the floor. The imagery is so clear on this man, I am allowed access to the environment he occupies as well. Your last stanza is my favorite; likening the laces to single strands of old hair is clever and it works. It reminds me of a homeless woman I see here in NYC. It pleases me to rate this a 5. Welcome to Writing.com.
All the best.
Welcome to Writing.com, thanks for joining the Newbie Challenge and best of luck.
Very entertaining story about looking busy. The paces you went through as you start your day were very clear, defined and honest(looking through your hamper for dirty clothes to wear? tsk. tsk. tsk. LOL). I could feel the tension mounting as you're preparing to beat the clock and get it all done in the necessary time line. I think this story is so well written that the use of profanity deters from rather than adds to. I think it would be even funnier without it as it does not help to move me from one point of the story to the next. All in all, I thought it was a good romp. Take care.
Quite an interesting romp here though it leaves me wondering what happened, so I'll have to fill in the blanks, which is a little disappointing. You have a lot going here that is solid, I think as you write more, you will ultimately feel your way and find your voice. There are a few places requiring grammatical attention:
We walked to the car waiting outfront (last word should be two words)
I took the bottle in my hands and took a swig, spitting the brown liquid all over the dash of the car.
(try all over the dashboard; we know you're in the car)
There are two places where until is spelled untill.
Best of luck in the challenge and welcome to Writing.com
Furaha.
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I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem. I appreciate the liberties you've taken with form and they work. Good job. Good rhythm. Best to you in the Challenge.
Very interesting premise. I like it.
Original, well crafted and written. I felt at times your use of connecting words was a little heavy, but other than that a thoroughly enjoyable read. Best of luck in the Challenge.
Hi MDStryker. What a beautiful love poem. The woman you've penned with this in mind is most fortunate and I hope she realizes it before it's too late. I know what that's like to wait just a bit too long before "getting it". I personally think this piece is worthy of 5 stars. And so it is! All the best.
Hi Icehound and welcome to Writing.com. This free verse poem on waiting for love is exceptional. The message is clear, simple and directly to the point. There is no effort required. All I had to do was relax into your words. How I rate is always based on what the work requires of my soul first, then I look at grammar and structure. Obviously from my rating my heart heard, felt and understood. Best of luck to you in whatever writing avenues you choose.
Furaha.
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This poem feels like insomnia; or certainly some of the distance I recall on those nights when I just could not get to sleep. Good work. Good luck in the challenge Kari. Reviewed by Furaha for
Very nice work. I relate to what you're saying here and I love the way you've set it up. The story leads me seamlessly from one thought to the next not wanting to miss one precious word. Well done. Welcome to Writing.com and best of luck in the challenge.
Very interesting abstraction on the pain of lost love. I appreciate the minimal style you've chosen to convey your message. On some level it seems to add to the sentiments within. In your second last line, is that meant to be "You stare"?
Welcome to Writing.com and good luck in the challenge.
Very touching poem about your little Alexandria. I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers go out to you and your husband.
In the 9th Stanza, 2nd Line "you know WHERE to start. That's the only thing I saw that needed editing. Other than that, great writing and welcome to Writing.com. Good Luck in the Challenge.
You have here an incredibly touching, well written story of a young life that held so much promise and tragically ended all too soon. At first I was dismayed by the sheer length of this story, however, as I began to read the length was inconsequential; I was in. Hook, line and sinker. You kept me there with each line, with each paragraph describing every possible detail of this experience. There are no words I can find that would adequately say how sorry I am for your loss. It is my hope though, that the writing of such a beautiful story about such a beautiful person has offered some modicum of catharsis.
Welcome to Writing.com. I wish you and your husband all the best in the days to come. Good Luck in the Newbie Challenge.
Splendid as always Terry. The way you've embraced Spring in this poem is as alive and fresh as the new season itself. Spring is one of my favorite times of year because of the newness, the freshness and the brilliance of color, of attitude. Even we as people come alive with the onset of Spring. Pretty magical experience and you've captured it rather well. But then I would not have expected anything less from you; such a talented and humble writer. All the best,
Nice work Shell. Welcome to Writing.com. Trust is so important and it's something we've lost between each other too. So many of us walking around looking for something to happen because we mistrust each other. Nice to read a reminder that trust is important and good. Thanks for sharing. You might want to fix the spelling in 2nd stanza, last line...wielding. Other than that, great write. All the best.
Furaha.
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Hi Lauren, very moving, well written essay on the American Dream and I agree wholeheartedly with your statements. I'd just like to add that I pray as we dream we learn to soften and find ways to be more receptive to each other. That was a part of the American Dream too. We used to trust each other more. I believe it was Mahatma Ghandi who stated, "You have to be the change you want to see in the world." You embody that statement in this essay on the importance of the American Dream.
Furaha.
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This is a very sad and mournful look into a face with no meaning, heart with no beat, a life with no meaning. It's imagery at times depressing, but with a marker of truth that many a woman (person) has heard. This is by far one of the best ways I've heard the question asked: "What's it all for?" Good job. Good luck.
Wonderfully well written story about marriage, comfort zones and the importance of the ones you love in life; the things that are important in life; and most importantly--hope. Well done. Best of luck in the Challenge.
This song is written obviously by someone who knows the bitter pains of divorce and the unfortunate changes it brings about. The line that stands out the most to me in this poem is "My God, it's not my fault" Good job.
Best of luck in the Challenge.
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