This song is written obviously by someone who knows the bitter pains of divorce and the unfortunate changes it brings about. The line that stands out the most to me in this poem is "My God, it's not my fault" Good job.
Great job on One Last Time. Very heartfelt and emotional. I can feel the pain in your choice of words and placement. I really like the way you've generously used One Last Time throughout the piece, but it's done in a way that does not bore you to tears. Good luck in the Challenge.
I love what you've done with this story. Sounds like a great website, would you share with me what it is? Your story makes me think of Clark Kent in some aspects. For just as Clark Kent was the mild mannered reporter during the day and Superman at night, you have the accountant/Fantasy Writer connection going on which I'm sure takes you to some pretty amazing places and some very strange experiences. Good luck in the Newbie Challenge and your writing career. All the best.
Thank you for this pleasurable romp. I was thoroughly engaged in this very amusing saga. You made my day. Welcome to Writing.com and Good Luck in the Newbie Challenge.
Dreams are such a part of our lives and have the power to shape what we think, who we become, why we become. The combination of imagery and sensation in your poem allowed me to feel a range of emotion, while surviving this fitful dream. In the 5th stanza, 2nd line:
An arrow shoots passed in the sky
This line in my opinion lacked the clarity of the remainder of the poem; Is it a typo for past?
That aside, I truly enjoyed reading this very well crafted poem. Thank you for sharing and Good Luck in the Newbie Challenge.
Hi Donielle. There are no words to express the sorrow I feel reading this poem. The constant repitition of Daddy adds to the horrific reality that there is no sanctuary, no safe haven. In the first stanza using thudding footsteps set the tone after knowing you were quivering in fear. Thank you for sharing and welcome to Writing.com.
All the best
Hi Millie. Welcome to Writing.com. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your "baby". You should be very proud of your work in this poem. I feel your pain and some of my own as I read this love driven poem. To know love so deep is satisfying on one end of the spectrum and totally devastating on the other. The hope I read in this poem, the prayer, the plea for hope; it's there and I even felt my breath quicken as I read and felt your hope. The only thing I saw grammatically was in 4th stanza, last line. Should be "bear" the pain. Great job. All the best to you.
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Very sad poem Strawberry Shortcake. So sorry you're having to experience this level of pain and it is my hope that the writing helps. All the happiness in the world to you loved one.
There were only few things I saw grammatically. The word trys should be tries. (12th and 15th lines)
being free at last having captured in this world for so long (in this line I'm not really clear on what you're saying) Is it having been captured?
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Hi Matthew. I feel your pain in this poem. The abstract form lends itself rather naturally to the feelings of rejection. It feels very much like a stream of conciousness. My only suggestion is in stanza 5.
Running away won’t help you now
Stop and face the truth
Maybe I still love you
I know we can’t be threw (should this be through?)
Was lack of punctuation deliberate?
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All the best
Furaha.
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Hi Dumplings. Really cute write on Toe Jam. I was drawn to this poem because of the subject matter. I wondered what could possibly be said about toe jam that would have any redeeming qualities. You achieved that. Good write.
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Hi Brandon. Welcome to Writing.com Great job on this poem; not only is what you're saying something well worth considering, it is said quite eloquently in a few well chosen simple words. Best to you.
Furaha.
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Hi Neisha. Nice poem; I understand very well the desire to support someone you love who's going through a hard time. You've expressed that very well here; I'm impressed with the rhyming scheme in this poem. You managed to ply it without it being excessive. Good job. Thanks for sharing and welcome to Writing.com
All the best
Furaha.
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The one thing that every poet in the world must write about and the thing we certainly need the most of. I totally understand what you're saying in this poem and fully empathize. In each line this poem makes a complete statement to me separate and apart from the other lines, yet when read as a body it works as well. Good job.
Every now and then I read works that make me appreciate the feelings associated with raw; ones that I'll have to read again and possibly come away with something I didn't get the first time. This poem does that to me. One of my favorite lines in this poem is: "My legacy is whispered in your bitter hiss." Best of luck to you in the Challenge and welcome to Writing.com
Interesting story here. I've learned words I did not know or understand which is always good. I understood what you were saying very clearly, however I also felt that there is more room for luring me into the place and time of the characters in your story. For example, after she picks up her lunch, she's sitting in the gardens admiring pretty flowers. Well I don't know what that means. I've never been to Tokyo. I don't have any idea of what kind of flowers there are; do they have an aroma? Or what type of gardens there are. Are they a multitude of colors or just a few pretty colors? What are the streets of Tokyo like? What is a Shinto priest? As I read I thought, there's more story here to be written around this woman. I was impressed enough with what you're doing that I'd love to see some of those questions filled out in this wonderful story of a young woman going for the dream of her life. Good Luck to you in the Newbie Challenge.
I enjoyed reading "What Loving You Feels Like". Thank you for sharing you. The last sentence reminds me of a very touching movie I saw just the other day that was based on a true story and the scope of their relationship felt much like what you've described here. Best of luck in the Challenge.
This story has special meaning to me for several reasons. Lilacs are special to my heart because I grew up in Rochester, NY. I like the connections you make to the importance of life and how it's lived. Good luck in the newbie challenge.
Welcome to Writing.com and good luck in the Newbie Challenge.
I found myself quite captivated by this story and I like the way you set it up in different phases. For me, this was a commentary on many different levels regarding where we are now on Planet Earth and what our future holds. There is an underlying commentary about how things used to be and the desire to return to that; then the hope of a better place and a better time. Well done.
Hi LostPoet. It's truly amazing what our society looks like right now and you've captured many of the things that we continue to be in denial about in this poem. Our inhumanity to each other at times has reached a high like nothing we've ever seen. I believe it was Mahatma Ghandi who quoted: "You have to be the change you want to see in the world." I believe change is possible starting with the individual; it is very obvious that you agree given your sentiments in this well written poem. Welcome to Writing.com. I wish you every reason for happiness.
Furaha.
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This is such a tragic poem. I'm so sorry that you're having to experience this awareness of it being too late. I can't begin to imagine what that's like or understand not having any memories. It is my hope for you that in your current conciousness you find many wonderful things to remember and hold on to. I wish you every reason for happiness. Good luck in the Newbie Challenge Tony.
I thoroughly enjoyed being up on the roof on this sunny Saturday. I love your perceptions about what is real in this world. We do seem to have lost sight of what is most important. There's this beautiful universe out there; just waiting to embrace us, to welcome us to our real home. Instead we opt for a human driven rat race. Living for what we think the future will hold, completely missing this precious moment called now.
Good luck to you in the Newbie Challenge.
This poem reminds me of something very painful I experienced in my own life. The purpose of art for me is to feel different after exposure than before. This poem accomplishes that. Good luck in the Newbie Challenge.
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