Welcome to WDC Alfred Booth. I really enjoyed reading your SIJO. It speaks very nicely to me of the gentleness of love. If your music is as beautiful as this poetry, you have a pretty incredible combination. Nice work.
Furaha.
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Hi Lost Poet. It's me again. Wonderful piece of work you have here. You've covered an immense amount of important ground in this poem. It is sad that these things have to be said, yet the fact remains...they do! You've said them well and I hope you will forward this poem to free press/political organizations to make your voice heard. I think it is that strong.
My only suggestion would be on your sixth line:
Allowing their children to experience real peace, yet letting them know that the struggle won't cease.
Visually, that one line so different from the others was a distraction. But...that's really minor.
Great write!!!!
Furaha.
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Hi Lost Poet. I like where you're taking me in this poem. The only things that stood out at me were in line 9; We struggle, strive and? carry on. At least I think that's what you meant. The other was lack of punctuation. Was that intentional? Other than those two things, I enjoyed the read. Welcome to WDC and all the best to you.
Furaha.
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Hey Terry. I see you've done it again. Nice work on Wishes and Whispers. I'd love to give you 250 but there's nothing else for me to say. You're great!
Furaha.
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Hi Beth. I'm sorry for your loss; while I understand where you're going in this poem, it feels very haphazard and thrown together with no clear lines of thought; the spelling is off in several places as is punctuation. My feeling is that if you tighten up the spelling and punctuation you would improve this work dramatically. My suggestions are aimed only at your understanding of the craft of writing poetry, not to make you feel bad. Welcome to WDC and all the best to you. Reading other writers is one of the best things you can do.
Hello Viv. I like some of the imagery you've painted in this poem; while I like the ways some of these words fit with each other, I feel that I've missed the gist of your message; I leave room for the possibility that your message is abstract and for my chosen perception. All the best and welcome to WDC.
Great story Kisses and stitches. I confess I prefer poetry to short stories, however I was glad I stayed to read this one. It has a very definitive beginning, middle and end. Love it. Welcome to WDC.
Hi Wshep. I love this wonderful little poem about your daughter and how capable she is in taking on the likes of a boy!!! She'll go far in life I'm sure. Welcome to WDC. I'm anxious to see more of your work. All the best.
Hi Ocktune. This is a thought(even if it was meant to be comedic) provoking article on some of the conditions existing in our America of the 21st century. As I read, I was reminded of many things in conjuction with what you were saying; and I add, I do agree. The reason for the rating has to do with need for editing. There are many places throughout that need commas or capitalization or spelling checks. My input would be to consider an edit and fine tune for grammar and punctuation, which in my estimation would only serve to make a good piece better. Nice write.
Hi Arken and welcome to WDC. I wandered into your port and saw you had no ratings on The Fighter as yet, so here goes. I really like the message in your poem, though it's sad.
I've taken the liberty of copying it as it appears on your site.
Things I saw that needed attention, I put in parentheses.
Is there a reason each first letter is capitalized?
Was not using punctuation deliberate?
I hope you find my review to be of value, as that is how it is meant.
Welcome to WDC and I wish you the best.
Furaha.
(Loosing) One After Another losing
Every Battle Futile
Always Looking For A Lover
Always Living In Such (Denile) denial
Keeping My Anger Hidden
Under A Robe Of Disguise
Trying My Best To Keep On (Livin')
Waiting For The Time Of My Demise
You've done it again Terry. You know I'm a major fan of your work. I love the comparisons between rattlesnakes and men. That's something we've long used to describe someone with despicable behavior, however I have never seen it articulated as generously and honestly as you have here. Great write!
Hi Fallen Soul. Good news and bad news. What could be a good poem has been hampered by lack of punctuation and many misspellings. For example: Ment to be? That's the bad news. The good news is you've become part of a community that is interested in helping you grow as a writer. Welcome to WDC. The items that need punctuation will be in parentheses.
Furaha.
broken down inside again
wondering still if we will ever be more then friends
thinking about you all day and all night
wishing it wasn’t so hard to say.
this pain inside of me really hurts
at times it feels like your stomped on my heart in the dirt (no period)
you know I like you but you have no idea how much
(im) in love with you so much, words cant even began to tell such
every second of the day with every breath (i) take
(i) like you more and more, (i) promises my love is not fake
(i) try hard not to cry
but no matter what (i) cant keep my pain inside
(iv) tried for so long
always hopeing (i) was wrong
but turns out (its) true
guess (i) kinda should of knew
(your) to good for me to have you
no matter what (i) do
(ill) never be able to call you mine
so fine!
(i) give up on waiting
(i) give up on us ever dating
it hurts but its true
guess (i) might as well just give up on you
(im) unable to control my feelings like (i) was once able to do
there (to) strong now
(i) just (cant) figure out
what (i) have to do
just to be with you
just for one day (id) give up all
all just to have you there when (i} fall
or to be there when (i) call
(im) overly in love with you (i) just wish you could see
guess friends are all were (ment) to be
Really nice work Lover. I like what you do here with the free verse, imagery and economy of words; I had no trouble understanding where you were taking me. You communicated your feelings very adequately. All the best to you here at WDC and I extend a warm welcome to you and hope that you're as happy being here as I am.
Hello Midnite Puzzle. Welcome to WDC and I hope you grow in leaps and bounds; from what I just read in this poem, I'd say you've laid a great foundation.
Furaha.
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