Isn't it amazing how large, complex and moving a story can be with so few words! This has that elusive quality to it that sticks with one long after the readiing is finished!
What I liked best...lines or word combinations
Playing checkers with daisies and peppble! Perfect! Also the bits and pieces of a life...we are reduced to memories and memoriabilia. Not too much information, just enough. Improvement Oriented Comments
“Your toys are all packed up love, I did ask if you wanted any kept out.”<---- would be better with a comma after up (before love) then a period and a new sentence starting with I did ask.....
The paragraph---->“Makes it a bit hard to play then.” I was starting to wonder if a break might be in order shortly, while hoping I wouldn’t have to go and find the rest of the game. “No,” I thought, “best to keep at things now that I have started.”<----- might be stronger with just a bit of rearranging. The first sentence is fine, but I almost think you do not need the rest of it at all.
Final Thoughts
This was well crafted, concise, and yet packs a whallop! Well done.
Initial Impressions
I really liked the premis of the poem. The metaphore was carried throughout very well.
What I liked best...lines or word combinations
The whole concept of editing/reshooting the film of our lives with the blunders and out-takes deleted.
Improvement Oriented Comments
live's <----should be lives Gods<----should be God's Now quite sure of the added comment in the intro about 'forbidden love' as it isn't made clear within the poem.
Final Thoughts
I really like the premise. The metaphore is super!
Initial Impressions
Excellent job of using description that take the reader totally in one direction and them BAM! twist them sideways and it still works.
What I liked best...lines or word combinations
The superimposing of the two concepts on top of one another. Never quite thought of folks at a football game in quite that light before...but it works, it fits...both ways!
Improvement Oriented Comments
*They pump their fist, they stomp their feet,
They’ve come for victory not defeat.*<---I think this would read better if there were some punctuation (comma, hyphen, colon) ? after the word victory.
Final Thoughts
This was fun! I enjoyed it both before and after I arrived at the end of the path you led me down!
mmmmmmmmmm I really like this! Especially the repeated verse...it is fun to read out loud and I especially like the way the words twist...zinias at noon....and raspberry morning...oh I can just see THAT sunrise! New, fresh and delightful images are always so fun to see!!!! Well crafted, well done.
Hmmmmm I like this....the rhythm and flow work well. As it is called Untitled...I wonder if perhaps the 'they' (whatever 'they' might be) shouldn't become the title?
This would add accessibility or bring it to a higher level. Just a suggestion.
I liked the use of contraband as well as the line
'To castles made of fragile things.'
Overall, well crafted!
'
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/fyndorian/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/22
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.61 seconds at 11:56am on Sep 19, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Initial Impressions 
What I liked best...lines or word combinations 
Improvement Oriented Comments 
“Your toys are all packed up love, I did ask if you wanted any kept out.”<---- would be better with a comma after up (before love) then a period and a new sentence starting with I did ask.....