Excellent story. Well written, descriptive and allowing those of us from oceans away into the scene and able to visualize things not normally familiar to us. Well done. The author really brought his world alive. Dialog and characterizations were all spot on.
I'm using this in this in this week's Romance newsletter
I'm reviewing this as a judge for the Short Shots Contest.
I'm thinking that there might be a better title for this than the current one. Especially as it ends so sadly. Also, as the story is told from the viewpoint of looking back in time, the reader wonders what happens after the fact and if they ever saw each other again or if the boy's life is in limbo...
Needs improvement: 3rd sentence:That summer she spent with her aunt on the farm next to my grandmother was the finest summer of my life. <--grandmother's
I'm reviewing this as a judge for the Short Shots Contest.
Oh this is good! Excellent use of dialog/dialect which kept true to the character from start to finish. Very readable and it kept this reader's attention! Creepy, and yet very believable.
I am reviewing this as a judge for the Short Shots Contest.
This is a much different take on the photo inspiration. I found myself wanting the ending to be a little different, but I liked how the episode was taken from her memory, although the passage of five hours or so should seem to confound her more ???
Particularly liked: "The fields, once covered with the bounty of her labor, were now bare, growing only tendrils of mist in pale shades of dawn." <---lots of excellent descriptive lines like this made the scenes very real ...even the 'more out there' types of scenes.
Improvement: 1st sentence...should be 'known' not 'know.'
Also near the end..."neither has much tolerance for others mistakes." --should be other's
Loved the colors and what this poem says. Only suggestion here is that since in the 1st verse all the end words rhyme...the word hue seems s if it should be hues since you are talking more than one color. It would still be a slant rhyme with do, but would still work.
This is the 3rd and final review of your September turned October Santa.
I enjoyed this poem of trees and leaves of thought. The metaphor works well and the different layers of meaning shift like branches in the wind. Well done.
I'm not sure about the repitition of the word 'hidden.' I think perhaps a different word in one of the places would serve the poem well.
There is so much within this poem! Layers on levels stacked on top of multiple meanings and metaphors. Well crafted. The plays on words here is awesome.
I think my favorite (but t'was hard to pick out just one!) lines here are:
You were down to nothing
so I took some with me
wow!
You are really growing as a writer, my friend and it is clear you have moved forward and on to new levels of our writing craft.
OK...this author has the uncanny ability to give one an intense sense of the absolute CREEPS! What a twisted tale! Extremely well written and, OMG, I am shaking. Got to love a writer, who through the power of their words can reduce a perfectly sane and reasonable adult to shaking quivers. If I have nightmares tonight, I'm blaming you! (Just kidding but....*shivers again*)
Awesome, awesome story! Loved the descriptions...you really made the scenes and emotions explode off the page. You made every single word count in this short story, and there is no doubt that you deserved the win.
When I looked at the prompt, I got nothing. Yet your story fit the prompt so perfectly! It caught my eye because i have a poem with the same title. Mine sort of follows yours time wise, lol.
Way to go on the win, so definitely deserved! No typos or anything to suggest. You had me from word one and kept me until they roared off to Vegas. The conversations were so right on and believable. Excellent all the way.
This is 1 of 2 reviews for the because I Want To Gift Package.
I eally enjoyed this poem. I see that you are returning to writing again after some time away. So good to hear, because i think once one is a writer, they always are a writer!
In this particular poem, I have a couple of suggestions that i feel might add to the allure of the poem. In the 4th verse, perhaps a reference to specifically what is IN the boxes, mirroring your words of what is in the rooms.
Another suggestion. In the final verse, chance the last word from there to 'here.' It makes the poem more immediate.
But i truly like the concept of this poem. It is fresh and different, and the voice of the poem is very well done.
I'm reviewing this as a judge for the 'Quotation Inspiration' contest.
This was a fun read!! As a smoker, I doubly enjoyed the games being played! Also, it was a fresh take on the temptation idea.
The bowling alley din carried on smoky air like visible sentences punctuated by the hollow crack of balls striking pins.<<-----excellent sentence! Fantastic image!
I am reviewing this as a judge for the 'Quotation Inspiration' contest.
Oh this was GOOD! I laughed out loud while reading this...still giggling, actually. This reminded me so much of the folks in my mother's senior citizen complex. Only my mother was Viviene!
Only found one tiny correction needed.
He hoped that this latest pest would passed on the word that <<----pass
But this gets a 5 star rating regardless. This was truly an excellent read!
I am reviewing this as a judge for the 'Quotation Inspiration' contest.
Oh this was good! Tempation handled in a most different way in a story of children and teasing and getting even. Putting the highlighted descriptors was great as many foods were mentioned that I am unfamiliar with.
This was fun, engaging and kept me reading. I wanted to know just what trick she'd pull next. I think everyone has had to deal with a 'Miss Priss' at some point in their lives and this was done exceedingly well!
Oh dear. Temptation gone seriously wrong. Funny story that had me giggling out loud.
One corrective thing i noticed is that you mention the cop putting the man's hands back into cuffs behind his back after the x-ray. They would have to be in front for him to be patched up and since he was moving them in an attempt to send a message to the other woman after the exam, they must be in front. I think the line about their being cuffed behind his back needs to be amended or revised.
A well thought through piece on the final hand at a Texas Hold 'em Poker Tournament. I now know more about the under-reasonings of the game. Clearly, I'd never make it as I go by gut vs mind. And I'm wondering if top players would give in to temptation.
Yes. Oh yes. You have yet once again captured the moment and the feel and the very touch of the older years when once was slides a bit further and we say with hugs and moments what was once expressed in fire.
Tiny correction, I think. The line: Not just old and worn out by our days tangled threads<---should this not be 'day's' ?
I really liked this piece and the truths within! Carry this thinking with you and you shall go far! I am using this in this week's Love and Romance newsletter on perceptions.
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