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476
Review of For Christmas  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am not familiar with the eintou form of poetry, but this is lyrical, and wonderful when read aloud. Lovely fresh phrases, see-able descriptions made all the more marvelous by the tightness and conciseness of the poem!

Well done from beginning to end!

I am using this poem in this week's For Author's newsletter!
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477
Review of Shimmy and Roscoe  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (3.5)
This short story seemed like it didn't ring true. While you have a knack for dialogue, at times it simply seemed unreasonable. Having the dog smell long eaten cheeseburger was an excellent detail (*smile*) having her mention it as well (thus repeating it) isn't something one would comment on.

What has 'luck' to do with taking her dog for a walk? Why wouldn't she have stayed in her yard for the dog to do his thing if the weather wasn't good? If a severe storm were threatening here, I wouldn't care if the dog went in the house! Also, dogs tend to notice bad weather approaching before people do and would not be pawing at insects.

And while I'm not sure of the age of this character, she seems young enough to have a parent at home...thus raising more questions.

One of the more difficult aspects in writing short stories is having enough information to move the story along, yet presented in such a way that the reader accepts the 'truth' of the characters.

The bones are good here, but this needs some work still. It does have enormous potential once these issues are worked out and the general premise of the story made clearer.
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478
Review of Voiceless  
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Tis was a well written short story, with only a few minor punctuational errors. Creepy story of a self-chosen mute girl who's experienced a series of major psychological blows in her short life. On this level the story reads well.

Yet I found myself asking many questions. Why hadn't her adoptive family figured out she 'could' talk? Why hadn't any doctors figured this out? Why hadn't she been taught sign so she could communicate? These sorts of questions took away from the story and need, I think, to be addressed in some fashion for the story to
'work' as well as it should.
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479
Review of Fleeting  
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I found this to be an interesting read with lots of potential. The bones of this short story are excellent. What could make this story even more powerful would be some revision, particularly with some of the sentence structure and description.

This would help bring the detail into stronger focus, and far more 'in the moment.'

For example...where you are talking about Grandma's house...that entire paragraph could probably be several paragraphs. Additionally, there are phrases that may well be unfamiliar to many people and thus require a tad more explanation...ie; room gueard, for example. I have no clue what that is....

The sentence refering to 'Grandma’s house was always so comfortable to her although you wouldn’t call it a place of refuge....ok...if it is comfy and familiar, why not a refuge? This needs explanation as well as to why she might think that way since we do not have the infor we do later on.

In other places where you have one long sentence, it may serve you better to break it up into several sentences...for example....instead of the following sentence, which is also a paragraph, being one long sentence...
"She looked around her as she realized that she was sitting in their broken down trailer, the table full of dishes stained from meals long past, a loaf of molding bread beside her; the sound of the dripping faucet beating like a drum in her ears."

Perhaps something along the lines of.....

She looked around, surprised to find herself at home, sitting in their broken-down trailer. The table before her was piled with dirty dishes. The only loaf of bread had lost its battle with the mold. The staccato beat from the endlessly dripping faucet seemed to reverberate in her head like a war drum. But as loud as it seemed, it couldn't drown out his next words.


Breaking it up into several sentences brings the reader more into the picture so to speak.

With some revision, this powerful story could be first rate!
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480
Review of Life  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to wdc! This poem appears to have much potential. The underlying thoughts are excellent, but it is a bit sing-songy at the moment. I think that is because all the end rhymes in each verse are the same.

Even still, I liked this. I liked the up and downs of the poem corresponding to life's ups and downs. And, the more I think on it, I even like the rhyming as it is...seems (upon further re-reading)to mimic the swinging of the pendulum.
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481
Review of Die Liebe  
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great story and I'm featuring it in this week's Romance Newsletter. One huge thing you can do to get far more readers of this excellent piece...please put an extra space between each paragraph. It is far easier for folks to read it that way! This well crafted work needs readers!

fyn
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482
Review of i miss america  
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Unusual slant, most different viewpoint, and as such, this poem stands out....with truth glaring a bright light showing all of America's fortes and foibles. I too will take America, for better or worse. I also know my son-in-law in Iraq would agree with the sentiments expressed so well in this well crafted poem.
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483
Review of ~Nearly An Angel  
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
wow. Interesting poem with awesome images! 'Nearly touched heaven'...so much in those few words! The poem flows well and is well crafted! The only line that slowed me down was the painfully swimming one...after the previous line it didn't flow as well as it might. Otherwise, while a bit on the dark side, this is a well written and thought provoking poem.
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484
Review of On My Hands  
Review by fyn
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Awesome short story! You are quite the writer, and you will make a great addition to writing.com!

First off, I listed a few typo-type errors for fixing....




1st para: Only when my mama has a dream and its<-----it's
5th para: It’s our families<-------family's
Only when my mama has a dream and its<---it's
8th para: In the winter, or off season we play<--season,
9th para: I study more that just the craft stuff though She<----though. She

11th para: It’s easier to teach a dog table manners than it is Jody to read,<---to teach Jody to read

Lost track of paragraphs....
and his friend starts laughing and fall over when he gets<------????




Two excellent examples of this author's word craft!!!

I feel a hand soft like whispers, but warm has an honest kiss, hold tight my trembling lips.<---as, not has...awesome line tho!!!



And then my mom gives me her “time to change the subject” eyebrow.

Remarkable, well crafted short story!
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485
Review by fyn
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
You are being reviewed by a Mad Mod.


This mystery explored in poetic form is well crafted and a good read. It is different when a writer approaches a thought that might normally be expressed in prose, translates it to poetry and then takes it a notch higher! Well done!
Questions are raised and left to the reader to answer, a good way to handle this conumdrum...leaving it to the rader to draw their own conclusions.


** Image ID #1284499 Unavailable **
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486
Review of Dollar Bill  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.0)
You are being reviewed by a Mad Mod.

This short story is a compelling entry into a world of mind games, mystery and will give you the willies! I wanted there to be more. Much, much more. I want to know what happens next and not be left out hanging off the edge of a keystroke. Set smack in the middle of the everyday world, it quickly takes us a step outside the everyday and normal! Well written and...yes...creepy....best of of...it could happen to you too!





















** Image ID #1284499 Unavailable **
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487
Review of Jared's Decision  
Review by fyn
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Sniff.....sigh.......

You write male characters exceedingly well, they ring true and real. You also have an excellent sense for realistic dialog in this story. I could see the room, hear the conversations, hear the yelling, feel the cringing, feel the tenseness, feel the loss and the pain.

Well done!
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Review of Paranoia  
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Whew! *Pulls herself back to reality.* Creepy, well written, gave me the shivers and made my stomach hurt!

I found no typos etc for correction. And, have no suggestions for improvement. The story had me from the first paragraph and refused to let go until a few moments after I finished reading it.

Great short story, well crafted read!
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489
Review of Human  
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What a wonderfully sad, magical, happy tale. The reader's emotions are dragged willingly from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other in the sci-fi tale of awakenings and epiphanies.

I could find no errors, and have no suggestions for enhancement.

Often, a writer gets lost in a future 'world' and forgets that the mechanics of that particular time and place must still work within the framework of the story. But you did not do this, thus the world you created was believable, real and perfectly accepting to the reader! Well done!
490
490
Review by fyn
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is an interesting short story which, with a few exceptions (noted below), reads well with good dialog, description and movement.

It engages the reader well, and the use of description allows the reader to see the guys in the diner and Justin's embarrassing movements.

There are a few details brought up that seem to have nothing to do with the story, ie the tractor part mentioned below, that without additional details do not add to the story and might, perhaps be deleted without their affecting the tale.


Some thoughts for corrections........

to wolf ten hotdogs fewer than two minutes<---in fewer...

freak accident he had last year while driving a tractor on his dad’s farm. <----what happened? Is he in a wheel chair or what? It is brought up he'd be on the team if it weren't for the accident, and as it, makes the reader wonder.

faster than a dog on acid. <---??? Is not an image one (well, I couldn't) wrap my mind around. Similar to the whore in church reference later...it stopped me wondering why a whore shouldn't go to church. So rather than adding to the story, both of these phrases stuck out, thus detracting and sidetracking the reader.

“I’m going to lock up myself in my room and be as emo<--not sure what this means, but it doesn't work. I understand what you are trying to do, but perhaps another way.

fug<----again...I know you are using it to avoid another f word, but again, it doesn't fit the conversations, nor the characters....ok...got to the end and saw the explanation...but it stuck out through the whole short story and detracted from the story itself.

pole-axed down there…somewhere in my groin, enough to take the wind off my sails<-----you don't need the groin phrase, the previous says it clearly. Also...wind OUT of my sails :)

‘smart’ kids went to get even…well smarter.<----even, well, smarter.

missing puzzles.<---missing piece to the puzzle or perhaps missing puzzle piece.



Overall, this is an engaging story that is well on its way. And, obviously, suggestions offered are only my opinion in many cases. However, I think this story could be a standout with some revision and editing.
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491
Review of Motherache  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Whew! This is a poem carved from deep within a mother's soul. The evocative descriptive words used transmit the concept of a child with photographic clarity, made far more poignant by poem's completion.

The phraseology of this poem, especially when read out loud, simply adds to the overall impression this poem leaves. In in this, one can even read in silence and hear unshed tears clogging a reader's throat.

Only bit of housekeeping needed is to correct the typo of the word 'velvet' in the 4th line.

Well crafted and executed.
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492
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.5)
First a few corrections....then the good stuff *smile*

The stars only shown a little distance <---lit only a small distance or something along these lines....

“I had been wondering about your pigtails and know I know. <----now i know....

“A parent sees things different.”<-----differently


What a great fairy tale, written for your daughter, I assume. I've done this too, and my book Alyndoria grew out of the stories I wrote for her.

This kept my interest and the puzzles were an added touch... I could envision illustrations showing what she would first see!

Nice story, but i will admit, i was expecting a bit more punch to the ending. Something along the lines of how the princess and the purple dragon did something together that was of great benefit to the kingdon, that was alluded to but saved for another story.

Great job!
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493
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Though I didn’t understand the reasons, I knew at that moment god was to blame and I hated him for it.<----needs a colon after moment....strengthens this statement giving it the power meant and deserved.


'Below me, my legs made a vain attempt to keep up with the rest of my body, but I lost my balance and toppled forward.',-------You caught this motion, incident, feeling and visual camera clear!

This was incredibly powerful, heart tuggingly emotional without going over the top. Well crafted, well written....thanking you for this piece...and for my having the opportunity to read it. Bravo!
494
494
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Good lines....

'The two pull at the fringes of his mind,' and
'He is much too young to be subdued by such fatality, but has lived far to long to foresee any hope. '---excellent!!!!

Entire 8th paragraph is excrutiatingly well written!!!!

Another excellent line...conveying far more than one should expect:'She never knew who he wanted to be, would never see past the weak man that hid the frightened boy that he had always been.'

Last two sentences are very powerful. Doom come slamming down catching the reader within its jaws....so much have they been pulled into the old man's world and mind. Awesome!


a thought correction wise....1st sentence...filthy
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495
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.0)

This was an interesting slice of the end of a life...sad...and too often, all too true that folks lose perspective about the things that are really important.

You got emotional claws into the reader. This reader at any rate as i found myself wanting to shake Elizabeth (Not LIZ) lol. Ohhh she was a brat! I feel bad for the small boy...I think he will lose out on much of life. You've made these characters, all of them, real, and vital and annoying and sweet. Well done!

A few corrections....

Of coarse mama<----course


before falling carelessly into the maze of cracks that market her face<----marked

The maze of cracks was an interesting image....

Overall i really enjoyed this piece. *smiles*
496
496
Review of Memories Unmade  
Review by fyn
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I love stumbling upon something here at WDC that just screams things like 'well written' and 'superbly crafted' and 'gee, I wish I'd written that!'

This poem is so multi-leveled and well worded. Each word fits exactly. I have no comments for improvement as this poem is like that spectacular sunset or pristine moment.

What an absolute treat! Thank you.
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497
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem is good too. Please don't sell yourself, your writing and your poetry short by calling it lame. These are small gems, keenly wrought and they shine most brightly!!! Aside from the title, i wouldn't change a thing. But you really should give your poems real names. They, and you, deserve them!
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498
Review of The Watch  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (3.5)
This was an interesting story you told. I would suggest that it be reworked into a short story rather than as a anecdote. It is overflowing with potential for a dynamite short story. From the watch's point of view perhaps. There is so much here waiting to be discovered!!!!! Showing how the events unfold would propel this forward in an exciting and unusual story. Please let me know if you transform this, I'd love to read the story version!

fyn
499
499
Review of Perceptual  
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings Black Willow

*Note2* Initial Impressions *Note2*
First impression was that i could hear the voice of the character talking, hear the inflections in her voice, see her gesture. In other words, that character quickly became real: living, breathing, expressive and substantial.

*Delight* What I liked best...lines or word combinations *Delight*

I liked the conversational tone of one 'supposedly' talking to someone and saying all those sorts of things one wishes one could, or had, said.

*Note5* Improvement Oriented Comments *Note5*
All of that being said, i offer the following editorial suggustions.

*Check1* "I remember lying in your arms later that day, as the moonlight was the only thing that illuminated the dark room."<----This sentence is awkward for several reasons. Later in the day, then moonlight. Perhaps something along the lines of, '...that evening as moonlight....'

*Check1* also the part in that same sentence about the moonlight illuminating...it is a bit wordy there with empty words that add nothing to the visual you are trying for. A simple, 'as (descriptive) moonlight illuminated the (something other than dark since if the moon is lighting it, it isn't dark) room.

*Check1* "...still a little faster than usual..." This is someone the character just met. They wouldn't really know the 'faster than usual.' Perhaps something that shows it is still beating fast.

*Check1* "...letting me know the rules, I can’t say I blame you. "<----can't say THAT....

*Check1*The 10th and 11th paragraphs need some revision. While i 'get' what is being said, there are several tense and rtransitional mix-ups. It just needs playing with a bit. This is an important part of this piece, and as such, needs to be succinct and clearly stated, so it doesn't get lost. *smile*

*Check1* "Well, I had never felt exposed with you, until that very moment, not even when we’d first had sex."<----...I never felt exposed with you. Not until that very moment. Not even when we first had sex..." would be a much stronger way of phrasing this.

*Check1*The three senteces, or are they paragraphs following either need better spacing or to be one paragraph.

*Check1* "But I never took that step, even though I so easily could. " <-----so easily could HAVE

*Check1* "I was so like those stones..."<----I'm not sure the 'so' is needed here....takes away from the impact of what she is saying. The use of the word 'so' here translates into a different voice from that which the character had been using. And, as this is the point towards which this whole piece was written about, it is far better to keep the focus on the character's realization and understanding.


*Note2* Final Thoughts *Note2*

A lot of revisionary work ahead, but the result will be a piece much more powerfully written, stronger in language and a smoother, less jumpy read.

The way the character does reach her epiphany, talking herself through cause, effect, reaction and understanding is well done and a difficult thing to do well.!!!!
500
500
Review by fyn
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is awesome!!! Both versions of the song are excellent in very different ways which I find amazing that both work so well! As a poem, I also thoroughly enjoyed it as well!

As i read it through, before i listened to either of the audios, i could hear music in my mind. I 'heard' it country, so it was fun to heard your versions, but then, it is, i think, a song that easily translates into a bunch of different musical styles and is equally effective...good way to have the message reach a variety of listeners! Well done!!!!
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