As this is a new year, I am featuring all newbies in my Drama newsletter coming out this coming week! And, I am including yours!
Excellent story of Christmas, redemption and the emotions we experience. My only suggestion is one that applies more to writing online than anything else. It is far easier on the eyes to put a line between each paragraph. This helps when reading pieces online and will garner you more reads!
And, as this is a piece that bears reading by lots of folks, this will help!
If you have any questions about WDC and finding your way around, feel free to email me *smile* And, again, welcome!
After a morning spent writing a newsletter (Drama--this'll be in it) and reading bunches of stuff to find things for the editor's picks, I stumbled upon this absolutely perfect, wonderful, 'shivery', teary (sniff) happy story. Thanking you for writing this...you have made my day and (for lots of other reasons that i shant bore you with) I think I was supposed to find this read on this particular day.What an unexpected and absolutely perfectly timed Christmas Gift!
Interesting and intriguing enough that i want to know more! I'll be back to read all when I'm not in the middle of writing a newsletter...which I'm doing right now...and, including this as an editor's pick for the Love/Romance newsletter for this week. Swamped with work, but i will be back to read :)
This is an illuminating essay into the varying themes behind the comic book morphed movies and television depicting Wonder Woman. Role model, woman, Amazon, female themes are discussed intelligently with the research to back up the points discussed. I'll admit I never really thought of her in quite the way presented here; however; the writer states valid points and makes equally valid conclusions. (Then again, I was more of a Superboy fan, myself!)
I'm not sure I agree with all of them, but then, I don't have to and it does not detract from the thesis involved. It is well written and thought provoking.
Two teeny errors:
In the origin story<---original
to go back to America <--accompany him when he returned to America...she's never been; cannot go back *smile*
If you are a comic book fanatic or just read them as a child, this too, is well worth the read!
Sniff. EXCELLENT! The only thing missing was her seeing that 10 point stand at the far edge when she opened her eyes. I THOROUGHLY enjoyed this. You had this reader 100%. Would love to read more of these two...I'm thinking there are a lot of stories there.....
I'm using this in this week's Love/Romance newsletter.
Awesome short story, I really, REALLY enjoyed it. Not to give away the ending, but I figured where this was headed about a third of the way through...and yet happily followed along! Great descriptions, bringing the scenes into clear focus. I almost think you could leave out some of the repetitions (ie; the are you listening parts....alllmost gives it away to early and have it be even more of a jolt.. Cannot figure HOW anyone would NOT 'get it.' unless they simply were not reading, skimming perhaps.
I loved the 'pun,' which I figure is a clue (although it was not necessary for me) and I loved that it was ongoing and that he needed to get it together and 'solve' the mystery so she could go on as well. I appreciate your asking for my opinion on this, nice to be asked, especially when it is such a good read!
Once upon a dream – I knew an angel well<---oh what a wonderful line!!! Granted it sent me off on my own little tangent, momentarily, but a really good line does that, defines, to me, what a marvelous word combination does...sends a writer spinning off.
So naive I must have missed
That implicit fine print
That angels and mortals can not coexist<------great line....assonance....alliteration. Excellent, well crafted and containing that ultimate truth!
I seriously think your 'refrain' is the best part of the poem. And, if it bears repeating, it should be!
That the ones you left to mourn
Rival a beach of sand
And where your feet once walked
Not even the ocean of time can wash away<---------another excellent phrasing...well done, visceral and visible!
Final rephrasing of the refrain ties it all together so well, the circle is complete.
Ideas for Revision:
3rd verse, even after rereading it numerous times times left me a bit confused. What I'm getting is that this love was neglected and taken for granted that it wilted, that it was not appreciated, yet this image or thought doesn't seem to fit the rest of the poem, unless, unless, that is the deeper layer and the anger was that it was realized too little, too late...???
That 'once upon a dream' line is still reverberating (and this is even after an enforced break mid review to take a pup outside, make a fresh pot of coffee so I could have another cup, being side-tracked by a visiting neighbor and being further side-tracked getting out the Halloween candy while there was someone tall enough to reach the bowl that I only use one day a year from the top of the cabinets!)
Interesting short story but it seems more of a part of one.....***(see below)
LOVED the 'lend a hand' line.
Excellent potential here but needs a few holes filled in....Good luck in your contest *smile*
Ideas for Revision:
As this is a contest entry...here are a few suggestions before the end of the month..... Hobson landed on his backon the floor of the pit. <----back on A skeleton laid a few feet away,<---lay Hobson hit it in the face with the torch on his right hand.<------in his hand..... One wonders why skeleton guy didn't use the whip wrapped round his satchel to defend himself...seems logical that he would have.....also....if the skeleton has been there long enough to be a skeleton, it is highly unlikely that the lighter (seems like a zippo sort by your description) would not have lit. Lighter fluid would have evaporated....maybe have a can of it in the pouch as well?
***Why is Hobson in the pit? What did he do (or not do) to have them put him there. What is in the skeleton's journal? What did they have in common that they are each in there?
Cracking rock? Perhaps he might dislodge a rock or something...but cracking it doesn't seem realistic either.....
For some reason the Christmas 'mood' struck early this morning while out with my dog...grass was coated in frost, the air was crisp...no...COLD and instantly I was thinking Christmas trees and winter plans...so this was a perfect find! A nice happy poem...I can see this il;illustrated in a children's book....
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Ten Years Ago in 2000" . Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
I found this piece to be generally well written and intelligent.
What I particularly liked.
Best description of chicken...dung...ever!
The smell of chickens is one that is pungent and unmistakable but the odor has many layers. It is sweet and smells of damp straw but also has an overpowering tangy smell like that of fermented grain at times.
What I think could use some work or revision.
There were numerous little punctuational errors scattered throughout, little things, but can have an overall effect when one is reading and hoping not to find any errors.
Final Thoughts.
Interesting, left me wanting to know more about the writer behind the pen!
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Ten Years Ago in 2000" . Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
This was a well rounded piece written with depth and honesty. I truly feel as if I have caught a glimmer of who the author IS!
What I particularly liked.
The voice, the lessons, and the evolution of both throughout the piece. Everything was linked and tied up at the end.
What I think could use some work or revision.
Hmmm, difficult. Nothing, really...except (se below) Final Thoughts.
This piece, more than the vast majority of those within the contest had that extra uuumph that made me feel that I truly want to get to know the author much better. Don't mean that to sound weird or anything, because it is a compliment. It raised questions I'd love answered...It made me think beyond the piece. Well done!
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Ten Years Ago in 2000" . Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
I can certainly understand why this memory could not have been pleasant to dig up again. An incredibly sad time that, most unfortunately, is also colored by unfeeling, selfish, and (to me) incomprehensible people.
What I particularly liked.
The voice and, I think, the restraint used within the piece. Too easy when emotions still lie close to the surface to let something fall into a (well deserved) rant. But here, the author used control exceptionally well.
What I think could use some work or revision.
This piece, outside of the contest has incredible potential to be a much longer piece as there is still much more story here to tell. Final Thoughts.
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Ten Years Ago in 2000" . Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
From the beginning reference to 'The best of times; the worst of times,' to the final words, this piece grabbed hold and the insistently whining puppy at my feet simply had to wait until I was finished reading, because I wasn't stopping, no, I couldn't stop.
What I particularly liked.
Tone, voice, the simple honest tone that made no apology, didn't bemoan, just shared a story that may well help others to find the same path.
What I think could use some work or revision.
Didn't find any errors. But then, the words grabbed hold and they would have had to be blatant to stick out.
Final Thoughts.
An extremely difficult subject to write about. (I know from first hand experience.) But a new year, and a new beginning. Bravo for beginnings and courage!
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Ten Years Ago in 2000" . Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
11/11/20011 to turn eleven...yes, that will be an awesome birthday!
What I particularly liked.
The clueless dad, the not-so-great yellow paint and the tender tone throughout the entire piece.
What I think could use some work or revision.
there were some agreement issues; for example:mark several turning point to many different paths.
Final Thoughts.
This made me smile. Writing this at 9:30 in the evening, it is the 20th review I've done in the past five hours after an 11 hour day editing a horrendous manuscript for work. And this made me sit back with a goofy grin.
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Ten Years Ago in 2000" . Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
Alaska! Spent some time there...Army time, no less! Alaska to Atlanta must have been quite a shock!
What I particularly liked.
It is fun to see what 'important' things are remembered and it certainly changes by age!
What I think could use some work or revision.
This piece would have benefited from some proofreading as well as spell checking. :) Spell checkers cannot pick up on wrong words that are spelled correctly...case in point:They called my names <---me
There were also punctuation errors and some sentences which would have been clearer had they been broken up into several sentences. Again, a proofing issue.
There were many instances of repeated words used near each other or redundant pairings of words ie; first ever...first is first, obviously.
Question: does a penis look different outside a bathroom stall? A sentence construction issue that can often be fixed by reading a piece out loud.
Something else. Sometimes, one needs to be very aware of what they are including in a short piece, and the reasons to include (or not) bits of information. Then, the reader needs to be aware of why things are included.
Final Thoughts.
With revision this piece has a lot of potential. Would love to read a revised version!
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Initial Impressions
This didn't feel as much of a short story as a moment, an anecdotal incident.
What I particularly liked.
Great line---Our life is like this mist that is engulfing us. I can’t see what is out there. I can’t even see the paths, to know which one to take. All I do know is that with you, here with me, I feel that I can face anything.”
What I think could use some work or revision.
---AB for a name? Needs explanation or something for this to work.
---He sat there, still in the morning mist<---was he sitting quietly, or sitting out in the mist? Punctuation will clarify your meaning here.
---too many repetitions of the word 'path' which implies movement...yet he is sitting. Needs more to make this work. So much use of the word in so short a piece becomes overwhelming.
Final Thoughts.
Given her worries over hiss joblessness etc, his moment was reached too simply, without enough of anything to make it a conquering of fear...too easy, and if that easy, wasn't a real fear to begin with, more an apprehension or worrisome 'now what?' moment.
This piece would have benefited using the allotted 2000 words. It would have given you the words to truly delve into the hows and whys of his supposed fear and communicate this to the reader enough so that the reader cared and then could celebrate and appreciate the moment. But given he already knew what he 'realized' this didn't happen. There is potential here, just needs some additional work and revision.
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Initial Impressions
Online reading is best encouraged by always having a blank line between paragraphs. This facilitates the reader and is easier for them to follow. This is a good practice to follow and will encourage more readers of your material.
What I particularly liked.
Excellent grammar and tense control!
What I think could use some work or revision.
---We were not lost, but we had no idea which direction to go to find the nearest town.<---then, in effect, they WERE lost.
---Dialog seemed stilted, not the way a couple would speak to each other...to formal perhaps....or condescending, I think. This doesn't engender empathy with these characters.
----But at least the little bit of water we could get from the river, muddy though it was, slaked our thirst, <---if they could get to the water to drink it, then the bridge could not have been very high....
----d made reservations for the week at the Chisos Mountain Lodge <<----initially he was talking about NOT having money...but on top of the 3 days drive there and back,(towing a trailer to boot) he has almost $1000 for a week at a lodge? Not ringing true.as well as---- I’ve slowly sent them money, paying additional nights each time. <----hotels do not work this way.
----no one goes out in the desert without more than adequate water. And if both weren't intelligent to verify beforehand than yes, it is something to get mad about as it is a life or death mater to stay hydrated there.
---there isn't enough, barely anything to prompt her final words about walking across the bridge for it to be believable.
--- Her plaintiff plea<----plaintive (One needs to proofread as well as spell check! Final Thoughts.
This piece has possibilities, but it does need a bit of revision! Should you do so, please let me know and I'll be more than happy to reread and re-rate!
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Initial Impressions
I very much enjoyed this story and I was transported along with the character to the new home.
What I particularly liked.
I liked the bones of this short story. Given word constraints, you were limited, but this would be greatly enhanced by some revision.
What I think could use some work or revision.
What i mean by this is now you have the chance to re work this, adding descriptions to truly make the scenes come alive. Let the reader truly see, smell and hear what is going on around the main character. Let us be able to experience the B&B. But more, let us really see her new house and want it as much as she does.
Final Thoughts.
Without word limits, and with some descriptional revision, this story could grow from being very good, to awesome!
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