There is so much within this poem! Layers on levels stacked on top of multiple meanings and metaphors. Well crafted. The plays on words here is awesome.
I think my favorite (but t'was hard to pick out just one!) lines here are:
You were down to nothing
so I took some with me
wow!
You are really growing as a writer, my friend and it is clear you have moved forward and on to new levels of our writing craft.
OK...this author has the uncanny ability to give one an intense sense of the absolute CREEPS! What a twisted tale! Extremely well written and, OMG, I am shaking. Got to love a writer, who through the power of their words can reduce a perfectly sane and reasonable adult to shaking quivers. If I have nightmares tonight, I'm blaming you! (Just kidding but....*shivers again*)
Awesome, awesome story! Loved the descriptions...you really made the scenes and emotions explode off the page. You made every single word count in this short story, and there is no doubt that you deserved the win.
When I looked at the prompt, I got nothing. Yet your story fit the prompt so perfectly! It caught my eye because i have a poem with the same title. Mine sort of follows yours time wise, lol.
Way to go on the win, so definitely deserved! No typos or anything to suggest. You had me from word one and kept me until they roared off to Vegas. The conversations were so right on and believable. Excellent all the way.
Ohhhhhh I LIKE this poem, written for the Inspiration contest and based upon a prompt by J Cousteau. Simply stated, the emotions and depth of feeling flow from this poem and wash over the reader.
My favorite lines of this poems speak the writer's heart:
The ocean, the sea
she will be my home.
Her nets have been cast,
her waves I will roam.
This is 1 of 2 reviews for the because I Want To Gift Package.
I eally enjoyed this poem. I see that you are returning to writing again after some time away. So good to hear, because i think once one is a writer, they always are a writer!
In this particular poem, I have a couple of suggestions that i feel might add to the allure of the poem. In the 4th verse, perhaps a reference to specifically what is IN the boxes, mirroring your words of what is in the rooms.
Another suggestion. In the final verse, chance the last word from there to 'here.' It makes the poem more immediate.
But i truly like the concept of this poem. It is fresh and different, and the voice of the poem is very well done.
I'm reviewing this as a judge for the 'Quotation Inspiration' contest.
This was a fun read!! As a smoker, I doubly enjoyed the games being played! Also, it was a fresh take on the temptation idea.
The bowling alley din carried on smoky air like visible sentences punctuated by the hollow crack of balls striking pins.<<-----excellent sentence! Fantastic image!
I am reviewing this as a judge for the 'Quotation Inspiration' contest.
Oh this was GOOD! I laughed out loud while reading this...still giggling, actually. This reminded me so much of the folks in my mother's senior citizen complex. Only my mother was Viviene!
Only found one tiny correction needed.
He hoped that this latest pest would passed on the word that <<----pass
But this gets a 5 star rating regardless. This was truly an excellent read!
I am reviewing this as a judge for the 'Quotation Inspiration' contest.
Oh this was good! Tempation handled in a most different way in a story of children and teasing and getting even. Putting the highlighted descriptors was great as many foods were mentioned that I am unfamiliar with.
This was fun, engaging and kept me reading. I wanted to know just what trick she'd pull next. I think everyone has had to deal with a 'Miss Priss' at some point in their lives and this was done exceedingly well!
A short story about masks and truth and folks seeing what they expect to see. Excellent short story!
beaming at me through the screen door with picket-fence teeth. <---great description!
As usual, it's dried out and tough, surrounded by a layer of blackened, unrecognizable vegetables. I pretend not to notice. The first time was an accident, but ever since then I've found it's a good way to stay amused through dinner. Besides, with a meal like this they're less inclined to stay.<<------------super paragraph!
Oh dear. Temptation gone seriously wrong. Funny story that had me giggling out loud.
One corrective thing i noticed is that you mention the cop putting the man's hands back into cuffs behind his back after the x-ray. They would have to be in front for him to be patched up and since he was moving them in an attempt to send a message to the other woman after the exam, they must be in front. I think the line about their being cuffed behind his back needs to be amended or revised.
A well thought through piece on the final hand at a Texas Hold 'em Poker Tournament. I now know more about the under-reasonings of the game. Clearly, I'd never make it as I go by gut vs mind. And I'm wondering if top players would give in to temptation.
Yes. Oh yes. You have yet once again captured the moment and the feel and the very touch of the older years when once was slides a bit further and we say with hugs and moments what was once expressed in fire.
Tiny correction, I think. The line: Not just old and worn out by our days tangled threads<---should this not be 'day's' ?
I really liked this piece and the truths within! Carry this thinking with you and you shall go far! I am using this in this week's Love and Romance newsletter on perceptions.
Interesting 'reinvention' of a dragon. Good starting bones to this piece.
Little things:
awoken<---awakened
They only knew that they often found themselves awoken at night by a high-pitched screeching sound, and they leapt from their beds to find their fields aflame. <----and they leapt from....This would be better broken into two sentences, also, be careful of tense issues :)
Alex was a proud and courageous boy (why? how? what makes him thus?) Also, the word proud is repeated a sentence or so later.
The golden-haired boy promised his father he would not slay the dragon, but snuck out of his small bed during the night. <--------------make this 2 sentences. The but doesn't work here at all.
center of the grove of trees was a clearing. A great beast stood in the center of the clearing. <-----------again, repetition. ---finding another way to describe this would further your tale better.
Alex had to look way up high to see its head.<---awkward phrasing...did he crane his head back so far he lost his cap? Did he need to back up to see all of it?
Good beginning. An idea...always look for the fresh and new ways to describe setting or characters. Even the best idea can be wrecked by the use of hackneyed phrasing or oft done descriptions.
I liked this piece, finding it highly reminiscent of the bookstore in 'You've Got Mail.' I found the descriptions of the two ladies to be well done and it brought the two of them to life quite well.
One idea for you would be to double check repeated words. You seem to do it a lot and reading out loud tends to help one find the repetitions. You do it when describing the outside of the store and again later.
A few little corrections:.
layout (1 word),
much different from the other section’s lounge areas. <--sections'
The seat is wide enough to where I can curl my legs underneath me, and the arms are soft enough that they don’t dig into my side, <---------so I can curl...to where I can is incorrect. Also the repetition here doesn't work well. There are other and better ways to describe this lovely chair without using the word enough.
Also, be careful when using stereotypes. The coke bottle glasses are a thing of the past...ultralight lenses and all. And pocket protectors went out in the 60's.
The phrase 'particularly dull dreary day' is somewhat over used. Why is it particularly dull and dreary? What makes it this way? What takes weather from dull and dreary to the extreme limits of particularly? Here is a opportunity for clever description such that words like dull or dreary wouldn't need to be used at all. Is this the reason she(?) is entering the store? If it were sunny would she be elsewhere?
Overall, though, this piece is quite descriptive and the reader is left to ponder on the adventure awaiting our reader. Good start.
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