This:
The wolf begins to walk forward with teeth bared,
his intent completely clear. He plans a savage attack!
The boy thinks, ‘I knew what you were, but I cared
for you anyway. I guess a wolf really can’t love back.
had my heart in my throat!
I'm using this in this week's For Authors Newsletter.
This clearly needed to be longer, allowing a greater level of developing the character.
I liked the concept of his being a concept of imagination, the 'character' in his writer's mind. That was particularly cool!
But I needed there to be more than a rectangular white world (good image!) and if the character could find and use a pencil, surely there were other things he could do, as, for example, most writers encounter a character that takes off and goes somewhere the author never expected!
And as we all know, when that happens, we give the character his head and let him go, becoming merely the hands and fingers to write or type out his adventures. This is what happens when a character transcends that invisible divide between imaginary and real!
Way too short! The contest has the 2000 word limit so you don't do longer, but use the available words to flesh out the entry. In this case, it would have helped to give depth, add nuance and give the reader a far better sense of the character.
There many odd-phrasings that weren't 'quite' grammatically correct. When using a title, such as 'Alone Again,' it should be in quotes or italics.
Using the allotted words would have given you the chance to develop a character that the reader could actually care about, rather than him seeming unlikable and shallow so that no one cares that, aside from about her, that she died.
There is some potential here, but this needs much work and revision.
This was really good! I liked the way it all spun out, the confusion, the voice, the thoughts behind the words and the not accepting the story fed him.
This was well written, felt 'true' and kept this reader reading and wanting to know how it would eventually all play out! Well done!
I did, however, feel there would have been a little more sense of panic, of being (at least on the inside) some fear. Then, later, the 'why' he was tailing her, more about who she was or what she was involved it. That left-over 800 some words could have, er, ah, filled in some of the holes (?)
This was a really well written piece! Lines like the river of blood served layered purpose on nuance on to who the boy became and how the father saw him. LOVED the 'sneezed' part! Great timing that!
The line:It was loaded with magnums. kind of through me, stopped me mid-read. Magnum rounds, perhaps. Something like; it wasn't loaded with any pansy wadcutters, no, it was all magnum rounds...or some such would have read better. My hubby has a 44 Magnum and I've never heard the terminology magnums used by anyone...hotloads or something but....
ah and a 44 kind of outguns a .357.. :) Sorry, couldn't resist!
Allow me to preface this by saying that I do not really care to read werewolf stories; they are simply NOT my thing. I like reading fantasy, but this subset of the genre does nothing for me what so ever.
Now, that being said (or written)--I really enjoyed this piece! I particularly liked the voice of the character, the way it gave just enough background and reasonings; the tone throughout and the little kick at the end...sort of a 'just when you thought it was safe to go into the water' sort of nudge.
He is a mountain of a man: six foot six, 250 pounds. You can hear numbers like that a million times, but they don't really mean anything until you're in a room with the guy they refer to. Suddenly the room seems too small, the table between you too narrow, the door too far away.
What needs work
The switching between first and third person...better to keep in all in 3rd rather than back and forth which really doesn't work.
Final thoughts
I thought the overall idea was excellent and the language used portrayed everything really well.
Memories of a Christmas past...sounds like mine every year...then again...I'm part Peter Pan and may I never grow up that far! Using this in this week's Poetry Newsletter
Oh good God!!! Really??? This is how I must start my day? Seriously???? Now my tummy hurts from laughing, my face has cracked in two and oh dear, my aching head!!!
This was excellent! Hard form too!!! Not one I care to try, although I do write pantoums occasionally! (And they aren't that much different!)
I liked, specifically how you used the words master, mistress and story! Not the expected--thank goodness!
I absolutely LOVE this concept for the site contest...the music has sent my mind a whirling!!! Fabulous new approach which hopefully will prompt many to enter! Only 'constructive' thought....I really had to search to find it and what this month's contest was...
Though no one would admit it, but behind the playful bantering at the time, I guarantee all were covetous of Howie’s ‘sure thing’… each of us steeped in subliminal fear when identifying with our equine counterparts; each secretly weighing the odds of even finishing, let alone of hitting the board when that(our) landing craft springs open across the Channel.
--would read better...
‘we kids’ <--pretty sure the quotes should only be around the word 'kids'
Here's a good one. apropo, being in Latin would be in italics...hmmma thought and in Latin....guess it is fine as is....my mind isn't awake enough for that conundrum! (Need more coffee)
littered with mangled corpses of beloved buddies of a bygone era.<<---three prepositional phrases in a row is a bit of a mouthful.<---I'd leave off the last one...
Oh I needed a giggle!!! Funny. I thought of doing something along these lines, double-thought that this was something YOU'd do--so I didn't! I went the opposite direction...mine requires WORK!
Of course you wrote a sonnet! I won my bet *grin* Odd picture--Dali meets Tim Burton on a really bad night! But I'm loving the 'write something every day' aspect of this allllmost as much as the Construct Cup! Speaking of which...next time round...I'm going to be judging/coming up with prompts!!! Now will I assign a sonnet? Guess time will tell, my friend... *grin*
I thought I'd return the favor. I liked this piece, but suggest you go through it and fix the numerous punctuational issues. i for I is a big one (guilty here, I do that too. You are missing a lot of the end periods, commas, possessive apostrophes etc., as well as beginning capitalization. I'd be happy to go through and edit it for you, if you like. That would increase the rating quite a bit!
This is why you should spend more time exploring non-formic poetry. This is excellent poetry...the images ...
The first faint glow of
eastern fire struggles to
find a purchase,
its delicate fingers
grasping at trees and rocks,
and this one especially...
The river, an obsidian sheen,
offers a distorted face with vacant eyes.
As I spend many hours every day reading my author's manuscripts, I rarely let myself get involved in a beginning of a novel here at WdC as I simply do not have the time. (Much as I would like to) but this grabbed and held on. I want to know more! I want to see what happens next!
This was really well written and you do the action scenes extremely well. Not easy. Well crafted.
This made me laugh and giggle and grin! A couple of suggestions...the extreme spacing is odd and makes reading harder. In the following: but I do not give up that easy.<----it should be easily, not easy.
Good job though! Humor is hard to write! I thoroughly enjoyed this piece!!!
Welcome to WdC, by the way! It truly IS the best place for writing on the web. If you have any questions, please feel free to shoot me an email
Fyn
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What needs work
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