Well written, a bit uncomfortable to read but that just meant it tugged!
What I found to be exceptional lines/sections
I liked the journey the main character experienced. She experimented, learned along the way.
Final thoughts
This was very different which made it fresh and new to me. It is interesting to read about folks from differing areas of the world and to see how an author will use these to show we are all not so different after all! Well done!
First of all, welcome to Writing.Com and I commend your jumping right in and getting involved!
Initial thoughts/impressions
I thought it to be an interesting premise, was shaking my head at the end and rolling my eyes at the character. Didn't know if I wanted to smack him, hug him or both! But then I was wondering if he was really that unaware of the world around him ... people do 'know' these things after all, unless, they've just been dropped on the planet unaware of social rules, etiquette and the like.
What I found to be exceptional lines/sections
It was funny in a 'poor, dumb schmuck' sort of way. I'll happily give you a for proofreading. You write well.
What needs work
One thing that was a major issue for me is the spacing issues with the paragraphs. Either spacing between paragraphs or at least, indenting the beginning of paragraphs is very important and allows for easier reading by your readers. (Preferably both)
Final thoughts
I am figuring the spacing/paragraph issues were due to your being a newbie here.One thing to note, even if you pop a piece of writing in from say, a word doc, you will still need to go over it. :) Learning curves!
Last thought... I will be meandering your port. I like the way you write!
Better person than I could ever be. But believable. Me, I'd never be so, ah, accommodating. I'd have been seriously considering a sharp knife and a screwed up parachute. Odder still, I recently wrote a sky-diving scene where the chute got fouled and the reserve opened a bit too close to the groud to be of much help.
This is good writing. You haven't lost your touch!!!
This was fun! A new form and one I must try soon!! It worked quite well for this. In reading through many of the poems in your 30 days of poetic responses to a pictured prompt, I enjoyed the fact that though I couldn't see the pictures/prompts, I honestly felt I didn't need to see them...which speaks volumes about your words, your craft, your talent to portray and paint with words! I wish I had time to spend (oh a week or so just to write would be heavenly) as several of your poems sparked the muse--this one in particular sent it soaring off on a short story idea I have no way/time to fly with with.
Favorite stanza, and the one that sent my muse aloft:
Its honor shows in moss and grime
and long lost odes in verse and rhyme
recalling battle glory days
when it stood proudly, in its prime.
"Oh yeah," I said, grinning. "Love it. LOVE it!"
"Huh? Whaaa?" says my hubby from the depths of his solitaire game a few feet away.
"Oh, a poem I just read...Listen!" and I read it.
"Kind of reminds me of DRSmith's 'The Magic of Moses,' remember that short story?"
"Sure does," I answer.
"Who wrote that? Kind of sounds like that Hunter-Moon guy. One of his?"
"Yes."
Pretty cool my hubby can recognize your stuff, eh? Another gem.
Loved the lines,
As they soar the heavens
they join and coalesce
and fall upon the Earth
in a wet caress.
Somehow I expect there was a line limit to this poem, because I seems as if it ends abruptly, like you ran out of lines available! The poem had been so full of details thus far and then none when she gets the news it was a mistake except that they heal fast....seems as if there should be the lightning smile, the rush to the phone, the flying to facebook, the twitterings of joy! Something!
On the other hand, I loved the father's 'huh?' a blank-faced whaaa, needing some vital translations he dares not ask for. The sense of humor had me giggling and so happy (in retrospect--or retrospeak! LOL) that I had my teens in the good old days...
I thought your use of the 'necessary' words for the prompt to be creative, out of the box and probably not the direction the majority traveled...and I like that! More, I appreciate that! *smiles*
I've been meandering your port...so, so much good stuff in here...When I saw you had bid on my package, it scared me to death! How can I review that one's poetry? Oh dear! Can we say a tad bit intimidated? You are such a good poet, I love the varied ways you express yourself poetically; how you turn a phrase, twist meaning, play on words...subtle, well crafted.
This was a super poem--dark, menacing. The lines
Those willing to go any length,
who crave the power and the strength,
will seek this dark jewel. It exists
as hollow promises writ in mists.
I particularly liked.
I have only one tiny little suggestion...It struck me and then again, as it is important enough to be a repeated stanza, I really stuck out...In the stanza
A myth is told by those who know
about events, from long ago,
in words that can’t said aloud
less they call forth the One Unbowed.
Ok. Wow. Shivers. WHEW! What a memory, a moment to experience! What a perfect gift to have.
Then you manage to convey that in a short, powerful piece of poetry without the needless embellishments too many poets would have buried it in. Shows when a poet knows when to be controlled, and in doing so, your poem does what your son did. It shines! Well done!
Guessing this is one I 'should review' given it was in the anthology I spent sooo much time on! *grin* I am not a fan of many of the forms of formulaic poetry, but you made this work well and, more, you made me appreciate a form I particularly dislike! I remembered this from a year ago and given the amount of poetry I read onsite as well as the many manuscripts of poetry I've read in the past year, that speaks volumes. I could connect to the voice of the poet in this piece and I have to smile, because in my case, at least, I got a second chance with the flownby individual and we are now happily married...the first fly by was 25 years prior to our 'meeting again' in 2005.
This is a 'sticker.' One of those poems that lurks in a corner of your mind and pops out every now and then to say, "Here I am! Remember me and what I mean?" Got to love a poem that can do that!
I liked the way this story circled round and how it ended. I was a little confused as to anyone resigning their commission...and while it was an important reason, it wasn't an IMPORTANT reason--important enough to resign a commission and leave the military...at least...as a veteran...IMHO.
That being said...it all worked, was well written. I liked how it ended...made me smile!
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Initial Impressions
Poor guy. Felt so bad for him even as I cheered him on! Very good examination of honesty verses expected behaviors and the question of at what point do we draw the line and how worried is one to cross over and who drew the line there anyway!
Sometimes, I find being 'politically correct' throws honest feelings out the window, and we couch behaviors by what others feel is acceptable over what we honestly believe and feel. Not sure that that is a good thing...Interesting tho how 'society' changes over time as to what is 'acceptable or not.'
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Of course you nailed this! You would!
What I thought was particularly well done.
I enjoyed the irony of this piece which underscored the whole essence of newbie vs old school. The Janus-effect that evolves.
What I thought could use some improvement.
I wasn't completely sold on the outgoing lady until the very end...and then I wan't to punch her! Which, I expect, was the intended reaction, but I wanted her to be more, more 'something'--not sure quite what--yeah, so helpful that comment -- when interacting with the newbie. He, I could really see and feel...she came across, to me, as more superficial...I found myself glad she was on her way out even before i got to the end.
Final Thoughts
As always, you can be counted on to write good, thought-provoking pieces...
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Initial Impressions
LOVED THIS!!! Not yelling....just bouncing around and screaming it to the heavens!
What I thought was particularly well done.
As a former Navy mom of a journalist daughter who was blond, cute and on the ground covering stories in the Mideast, this struck close to home...especially since something similar happened although my daughter is happily alive, well and home! I felt the entire issue was handled well and true.
I really enjoyed the way this story circled around, even if I did find it a tad predictable.
What I found to be exceptional lines/sections
“Um, Mom, Dad, kinda need to breathe in here.” With that, the tension broke and the family giggled, pulling away from one another and wiping misty eyes.
What needs work
I felt the whole part where the daughter asks about Mom marrying Dad if she was gay rather glossed over; saying love was more complicated really didn''t do the potential here much justice.
Final thoughts
Overall, I enjoyed it and thought that while I'm aware of word counts for the contest, that this could/should be expanded into the very powerful short story it has the potential to be!
aside from sixty-nine instead of 69...(and I so refuse to deduct 1/2 a star for that....looks purty durned good to me, eh?
Think it fits the prompt, has those layers and implanted sparks to send a reader off into memories of their own, similar or not, and is, a faithful 'picture' in and of itself.
Oh I LIKE this. Usually, this genre, subject matter (in general) would not appeal to me, personally. But you made it such that not only did I keep reading, I, more or less, had to keep reading! Well written, well crafted, easy and natural without the feeling of forced dialog- which you do very well! Bravo and I look forward to more of your work!
Now. Ahem. You had me til elbow grease...perhaps a different choice of rhymes for that so as to not limit yourself. ..that stanza was, by far, the weakest at the place it needed to be the strongest.
Also, another suggestion...after using 'riven' so, so, so many times, rather than the setof totally different words...draw on the 'riven' and try a rhyme of it....consider....driven and given.....
Reading this as part of National Science Fiction Day! Your intro pulled me in, but when one of the first sentences has a common typo, it is discouraging. 'Its' is possessive; it's means it is. here's hoping this improves....and then...next words...It’s loss,--should be its...
Only when new death is more numerous, more constant, than new life, is the world thrown into true chaos.<--I thin I know what you are trying to say here...but it is awkward phrasing...new death....interesting word combo. As opposed to 'old death'? Thinking this needs a bit of reworking.
Desserts---Ice cream....cookies? Suggest a spell check before posting...
giving him and his friends a lookout, for danger. <---no comma needed here.
He didn’t want to leave, but he knew they had too soon.<--awkward phrasing,perhaps try-- to leave soon
your so worried<--you're
barley is a grain....barely is what you wanted.
Okay, nine lines in and tons of errors. Truly suggest you spell check or proof read your work. It is hard for people to read through to get to the story with constant errors.
I know you are new to the site and my suggestion of proof reading your work will get you more reviews. Perhaps you were anxious to get something posted, but this needs serious work. Most of the errors seem careless ones.
If you revise and update, please let me know and i will return to read this. And re-rate it. The story seems to have potential and you have a knack for description, now we just need to get you to put the work into the revision that you put into the story!
Hi and welcome to WDC! While a tad on the gruesome side, I rather liked this story...certainly had a different slant to it! Not your typical 'fairy' story by any means! Loved the twist at the end, too.
One tiny correction...the sentence,
Let’s go to the site of the last find, already!”
dosen't need the comma after 'find.' :)
I look forward to your having more items in your port!
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What needs work
for proofreading. You write well.
Initial Impressions
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