I so love it when a story not only is well written, but when it leaps off the page to play out before your eyes as you watch it unfold. When the details and descriptions are such to almost feel as if you could curl up in the room, taste the hot chocolate and hug the child. And everyone should know a library lady like the one in the story. I did; her name was Mrs Prosky and she was ancient when i was young. Still, she was there at the library until i left for college and she introduced me to many authors that to this day are my favorites. Great story!
1. While I like the concept behind this exercise, you did not, I fear, do it justice.
2. The 2nd sentence should be a new paragraph.
3. Should be a comma after now in sentence # .
4. In the following: Now they were on the freeway and the sun began to rise over the buildings in the horizon. <--Drop the 'now' and the buildings are 'on' the horizon; not in it!
5. Loved the dangling price tag!
6. The sentence beginning with despite was very well worded and punctuated.
7. To accomplish what you wanted to in the following sentence, 'Aaron pulled the car out into the shameless heat of the desert, the iron-gaze of the summer sun, and cut the engine.' you needed to add a word, for example 'under' and drop the comma after desert.
8. black duffel; not shuffle
9. Why did he open the trunk when the duffel bag was in the back seat? This either needs explaining or changed.
10. There needs more explanation if what he is burying is her and if so, as is, makes no sense.
11. Or is he burying something that was already in the trunk and then it still needs more explanation.
12. With revision, editing and thought, this piece does have potential, but as is, appears not to have even been proofread which is something necessary whenever one is writing.
Oh dear!!! Great idea, actually. Love the irreverent tone and after some of my reading today, I'm sitting here with a goofy smile. Almost thinking this could be written as an advertisement for a golfetery!!! Certainly could give a new slant to the 19th hole!!!! My head is racing with possibilities!!! Plays on words like 'being up to par' or 'making par' as well as the different golf clubs.
I'm using this in this week's For Authors newsletter!
Oh it feels good to sit here grinning! Thanking you for this!
What are *your* goals for the new year? Think it over, write a letter and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering! I know it is all over and done with, and your entry was read and judged in time. However, my reviews are late and I am still posting reviews to all the entries because, in the long run, it is the writing that is important as well as the feedback.
Initial Impressions
I particularly enjoyed the attitude you showed in your letter as well as your approach to writing. Writing for children (something near and dear to my heart) is something that I, personally, feel is so important in this day and age of computer games and instant gratification.
One thing, while on your road to publication that I have found is a great way to continually inspire you is to contact a local library and arrange that one a month you read your stories to kids there. You will get a really excellent 'view' of how your stories impact those minds.
What I thought was particularly well done.
I liked how you described your writing process and your attitude (as it shows in the letter) in general. Very positive and confident!
What I thought could use some improvement.
In your letter you mentioned waiting on spell checks. Initially, that can be a good thing; however, don't forget to do it. You do not want errors in your work and also, remember to proofread as well as spell check so that the following doesn't happen. :)
your words to move mountain<---mountains
rhymes to change young mind <---minds
There will be time to prove read <---proofread! (Got a giggle out of this!)
Final Thoughts
I enjoyed this and wish you well!!Good goals, attainable goals and more importantly, the umph!! to push it along.
What are *your* goals for the new year? Think it over, write a letter and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
I liked this and usually, I am not in favor of folks using only a quarter of the allotted words, but in this case, you made it work, and work well. I liked the way to didn't give squiggle room to squirm out of the goal-istic hurdles.
What I thought was particularly well done.
The voice and attitude in this were encouraging but no nonsense, as in you know your inner self and know exactly just how to approach the one who avoids goals like the plague!
Final Thoughts
I'm using this in this week's Drama newsletter for I think it deserves the feature as well as serving as inspiration for others! Bravo!
What are *your* goals for the new year? Think it over, write a letter and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
I loved, loved, LOVED this!!! I loved the 'me, myself and I confab (along with the other characters) and it showcased the varying parts of you exceedingly well! It was fun to read, had a great sense of humor about it, and best, let 'combined you' shine through! Well done!
What I thought was particularly well done.
I enjoyed the 'bickering' back and forth, the varied voices agreeing, disagreeing and mounting attacks as decisions were made. The voice of each was distinct and well crafted. Te goals were excellent and attainable and the whole letter was a blast to read. And after reading some fifty entries, that says a LOT!
Final Thoughts
I'm using this as both a source of inspiration to others and as a fun read in this week's Drama Newsletter!!
What are *your* goals for the new year? Think it over, write a letter and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
I liked that there was backbone in this letter. You allowed the reader to truly see why and how the goals were important to you and then proceeded to let us know exactly how you were going to steamroll through the opposition and do what you are meant to do:which is write! Bravo!
What I thought was particularly well done.
I particularly liked the voice that was evident throughout as well as the attitude and determination that flowed through the piece. You felt these things, you believe them and it shows in your writing. This was more than a contest for you; it was an epiphany, a moment, an awakening and the resulting resolve.
Final Thoughts
I'm using this in this week's Drama Newsletter as i think it offers a healthy dose of optimism and inspiration and should be seen! Well done!
What are *your* goals for the new year? Think it over, write a letter and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
This was great, fun and original! I loved the excitement pervading it and getting to experience the thrill along with you! You got me excited!! (My thrill like that will come in June!)
What I thought was particularly well done.
The entire letter, beginning to end was well though out, fun and encouraging.
I also enjoyed the sense of humor and the self-appreciation for both good and not so good characteristics. Bravo
Final Thoughts
Tho it may seem strange, I'm using this in this week's Horror Newsie. Why? Because i am featuring a bunch of the Dear Me entries in the three newsies I'm writing this week because i think they are well written and deserve to be featured!
What are *your* goals for the new year? Think it over, write a letter and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
I liked this and you obviously put a lot of thought and effort into it and it shows in your writing about it!
What I thought was particularly well done.
The focus, the playfulness with the serious undertones, and the kicks and pokes!
What I thought could use some improvement.
Thought it was quite well written!
Final Thoughts
Good luck in your accomplishments in achieving your goals. Now go and read your letter again if you haven't in a while! *smile*
I'm using this in one of my newsletters this week. Don't be insulted that it is in the horror one....but I'm using some in each of the three I'm writing because they deserve the highlighting!!!
What are *your* goals for the new year? Think it over, write a letter and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
I should have liked this to be longer (given the available word count) and a bit more in-depth.
What I thought was particularly well done.
I liked the positive attitude. It is a good one to have.
What I thought could use some improvement.
Length. While longer doesn't mean more goals, it would have shown a thorough, deeper look at what you want to do, how you will do it and why it is important to you to accomplish it.
What are *your* goals for the new year? Think it over, write a letter and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
While this was a well written letter, it was not primarily concerned with your writing goals.
What I thought was particularly well done.
It was organized and well written. The goals, while not focused on writing goals were well laid out and attainable.
What I thought could use some improvement.
I should have liked more focus on writing goals.
This was a gripping story that pulls the reader in and refuses to let go until the very last word. Exceedingly well written, and edited. No errors to mess up the trend of thought as I read along...well there was a tiny one about halfway through, but I was far too busy reading. The characters are real, layered and might be your best friend. The dialog was realistic, believable and true.
Thinking back, there was a minute bit of confusion in the following paragraph:
The McCormick, Granier, and Shepherd building was a modern architectural behemoth on the outskirts of town. It was the den of Mitch’s opposition and an incongruous place for him to be. I’d have to ask him why he worked for the firm that opposed him so directly, when I had a chance. I stood in front of the revolving doors, putting on my confident face in the reflection, before pushing through them into the echoing marble lobby.
The confusion was because I wasn't clear that there had been issues for him at that point.
Stil and all, excellent story and very well crafted. Kudos!
I had a lot of fun reading this and it fits well with my newsletter this week (Drama) I particularly enjoyed the concept of the in-coming storm being likened to a somewhat unwelcome visitor! Great idea! That and the changing (accepting) of the visitor! Well written too :) No errors or typos.
I really enjoyed this perspective and the glimpse into another world where snow doesn't fly. Both the tone and the voice of this piece were well crafted and consistent. Filled with fresh image-ings...such as cloudy bosoms and clouds holding weather in the folds of their garments. Well done!
I enjoyed the last dance of autumn and got a particular kick out of it being set in Michigan as that's my state. *smile*
I do have some suggestions tho that would give this piece a bit more umph!
1.Still, having been away from northern climes for twenty-five years, those few remaining leaves of golden hues were enough to remind me of what I had missed all those years.<----A different word for 'years' here...time, perhaps? The repetition takes away from what is being said.
2.cold winds blew around my sister’s home. I watched from the warmth of her home <---same idea here...finding a different, more expressive word for 'home.'
3.That leaf swirled, twirled, and danced as I watched. What a performance! How sad that I was the only one around to see the leaf dance.<-- Consider removing the 1st dance, leaving the swirled and twirled. That gives the line that follows much more punch.
4.In her place was winter’s glistening snow.<---Consider having the glistening snow becoming an encore or something :) With perhaps that leaf, having freed itself from the porch, skittering across the snow. :)
Just thoughts for your consideration. As is, is good, but it has the potential to be great!
I'm using this in this week's Drama Newsletter. *smile*
Let me preface this by stating, I am NOT a fan of horror anything! But this was good, a really good start to something that is making me very glad I live in a cozy neighborhood! Another reason this piqued my attention was because my daughter was stationed at ROTA for a couple of years. :) Dialog is realistic, the scene, very well set, and it is jut getting started and it gave me the creeps! Well done!
I'll be using this in this week's For Authors Newsletter!!!
As this is a new year, I am featuring all newbies in my Drama newsletter coming out this coming week! And, I am including yours!
Excellent story of Christmas, redemption and the emotions we experience. My only suggestion is one that applies more to writing online than anything else. It is far easier on the eyes to put a line between each paragraph. This helps when reading pieces online and will garner you more reads!
And, as this is a piece that bears reading by lots of folks, this will help!
If you have any questions about WDC and finding your way around, feel free to email me *smile* And, again, welcome!
After a morning spent writing a newsletter (Drama--this'll be in it) and reading bunches of stuff to find things for the editor's picks, I stumbled upon this absolutely perfect, wonderful, 'shivery', teary (sniff) happy story. Thanking you for writing this...you have made my day and (for lots of other reasons that i shant bore you with) I think I was supposed to find this read on this particular day.What an unexpected and absolutely perfectly timed Christmas Gift!
Interesting and intriguing enough that i want to know more! I'll be back to read all when I'm not in the middle of writing a newsletter...which I'm doing right now...and, including this as an editor's pick for the Love/Romance newsletter for this week. Swamped with work, but i will be back to read :)
fyn
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