This truly made me smile! I'll never forget writing a most important scene in a tale that once was a short story, but was now well on its way to being a novel. I'd struggled with the scene --getting it just right...the first time, the only time, the two characters would come together before events conspire to tear them apart. I was into it...my mind was in the write (err) right space when my hubby came bursting in to blather at me about a bumper sticker he'd seen. Blam! Gone. Yanked out of the whole thing. For a stupid bumper sticker! My muse was SO not amused!
I could totally relate to this poem because, once, long ago now, I flew to Scotland from the US for a three week visit with an online love. It was never meant to be a forever thing; I knew that going in, but that was of no consolation as i cried my heart out on the flight from Glasgow to Heathrow before heading home.
The emotions came through clearly, the imagery was perfect for the thoughts behind them! Well done!
Once upon a time there was a _________________________. Everyday,_____________________________. One day,_________________________. Because of that,____________________________. Until finally,____________________________.
Once upon a time there was a backwards clock. It ran counter, ah, clockwise and all the numbers were reversed. Every day, when people looked at it, they were confused because their brains insisted upon reading it exactly opposite from how they needed to read it.
One day, oh, some ten years in, the people who lived with the clock, realized that they didn’t seem to be growing older. The husband realized that the battery hadn’t died in all that time either. When their daughter came to visit, she was so happy that her parents looked much younger than the eighty-some-odd years they’d each attained. Because of that, she finally quit worrying about the day when her mom would no longer be there for her, and truly began to live her life. Her job took her all over the world and she became very successful.
Until finally, the day came and the battery died. The hands on the clock ticked to a stop. The man couldn’t replace the battery because it had corroded over the years and was stuck in place. As far as he could tell, the battery shouldn’t have worked for a very long time.
Their lives continued, only now joints pained them some, and she seemed to need new glasses more often. They were both fine, only now, they were feeling their age. They decided that they shouldn’t tell their daughter that the battery had died. And that Christmas, they got one for their daughter, hoping against hope, it might have the same results with her and her newborn daughter.
I'm reviewing this as a judge for Dialogue entries for
our Rising Stars Candidates Writing Dialogue
Challenge - Argumentative
This isn't argumentative, she's downright er, ah, witchy! He, on the otherhand, is more trying to stop it rather than aregue back. Uneven. He is clearly the more reasonable of the two and certainly has the patience of a saint! Although she has valid arguments, and her tone is clearly in an argumentative frame, his is more cajoling even though he makes much more valid points. She's looking for a fight; he isn't. She keeps firing; he diffuses. A good argument would have them both throwing bolts.
I think I was expecting more of the argue type responses from him. And no guy (especially in an argument would refer to his wife as an old lady if he wants to live!
There were a few typos scattered throughout. Contest entries need to be thoroughly checked! :)
Example:Give me your hand Old Lady<--needs a comma after hand.
Example:Just keep it on the speed limit<--to (or below) the speed limit
I think if he were to push more, it would read better and I also think she capitulated way too easily. It felt like she did a very sudden 180 degree flip without there being a true reason for her to switch modes.
A good thing is that I 'could' hear them. The two characters' voices were well defined. (It was easy to tell who was speaking.)
I am writing this review as a judge for the Dialogue entries for
our Rising Stars Candidates Writing Dialogue Challenge- Persuasive
As a whole, I had a bit of an issue with the argument. Some of the storyline did not make much sense (so I could see her viewpoint on the 40s people playing high school kids.) But I truly wasn't able to buy the his logic, nor her going along with it.
The thinking of a forty year old needs to sound forty and, frankly, it did not. Especially the comments going back and forth about eye color and freckles. It 'sounded' younger than high school (and they weren't acting) and thus was a long stretch. It didn't read realistically. It didn't 'feel' real and that is a big issue. The 'believability' of characters as they converse needs to feel in the moment.
At some points the piece reads like an OLD married couple - fussing over dinner dishes etc. - but then it reverted to younger, rather than feeling consistent.
I read the entries out loud with a friend to check for how it 'sounded' and it simply didn't sound like two adults talking. This, then, was the biggest problem with the piece and one many writers struggle with. It is usually a good idea to read dialogue out loud (or snag a friend or two to read the parts!) because it really helps with how the 'argument' comes across and if it feels right. You don't want a 'break' in a reader's reading to think, as my friend did, 'Seriously?' so reading it aloud can really help with this.
Writing dialog takes practice. I give you points for working at it. I remember being terrified of writing it until I realized I had no choice if I wanted a piece to flow. It is dialog that drives a story forward and is incredibly important.
Another factor is to have the two voices have characteristics that make the voices 'sound' different. Men don't talk the same as women. They use different phrasings, shorthand, logic and verbiage. It really helps to listen to people conversing when you are not a part of the conversation. Women blast along, men tend to be more hesitant. Women's sentences tend to be longer than men's. How they describe things are different as well as the tones of their voices. These are all things that can be played with in a conversation.
Another issue is the quick, sudden flip of the woman's viewpoint. A few silly flatteries wouldn't convince her, I shouldn't think. Then ending felt rushed. I don't know if you ran out of allotted words, (or not) but the ending felt rushed. People do not think the way these two did. Love isn't spoken of on a whim or that quickly, especially if these two have been friends for years, the level doesn't jump that quickly. Dimples and freckles comments are no basis for love and would make sense there would be far more conversation before that big of a leap is made.
All that being said, the piece has potential, but as is still needs work to be convincing. This not necessarily a bad thing. Revision and rewriting are a writer's stock in trade and something we do over and over and over again to get it right.
The newbie can write!!! Really enjoyed this. Decided I had to check out your writing after I noticed that you've won or placed in the WDC contests of late. Extremely rare for any one person to win a prize several months in a row! Kudos on that!!
So sad..empty...may this never be me or anyone I know!!! But you nailed the non-ness of it so well! The invisible one who wafts through and no one sees or interacts with cause her to be invisible. Kind of what her to drop a jar of pickles on the grocery store floor so they will see her!!
What a wonderful perspective and pointing out a simple truth one simply doesn't think about...the pleasures, unintended pleasures, we gain that we get through nothing of ourselves except to stop, slow down and actually notice!! (Which too many folks do not do}
Really, really enjoyed this...the sounds when read out loud, the assonance, the words just flowed so beautifully. I also really enjoyed some of the fresh phrasings! For example,
Awestruck, as a cardinal sings,
Oh Spring! In the winter of life,
Your album holds wonderful things,
To distract from time's thrusting knife.
Interesting, but I found his conclusion to be faulty...everyone is a mix or good and bad, selfish and giving, argumentative and compromising, smart sometimes, dumb others. I thought he seemed rather blissfully normal. He wasn't terrible and certainly, not a monster...just my thoughts.
Writing wise, well done, Didn't see any typos and was most readable and kept me wanting more.
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- Seems I keep on running into (or through?) you of late!
- What 'in-tree-gued' me: I particularly liked the conversational tone of this piece, as if we were sitting down, drinking coffee, and you were regaling me with the tale! I feel it works exceptionally well with this piece and makes it 'feel' all the more 'real' due to the tone used.
- What creeped me out: The shaking! Perhaps it was trying to tell you to shut the attic door! Oh wait! This should be stuff I found wrong. Poor little spider...didn't find anything: No dinner for you! No creepy-crawly typo-bugs skittering around.
- Anything I could be 'witchy' about? Only in the Glinda sense! It is so nice to see when someone consistently uses apostrophes correctly; especially in possessives.
- Hoots! - I grew up in NJ, (Bergen County) and spent many a weekend at the shore, on the various lakes and at a friend's house on the Ramapo River. (Wonders which river your friend's house was on?) We had both American and British soldier ghosts meandering around our house as it was (way back when) both an American and a British headquarters for the folks working in the iron mines and making the cannonballs. (I lived on Cannonball Rd!) At one time or another, there were battles there over who'd get the iron from the mines.
- 'Owl' give you What I'd give you if you allowed stars!!!
meant<---met
A single white feather, soft and downy was fluttering in front of my face<----soft and downy,
I couldn't help but thinking<---think
Welcome to WdC!!! I know you wrote that this was for a contest, so I offer a few corrections :)
I liked this...you had me there with you and that midnight phone call is one we all dread!
Another gust of wind, from a previously breezeless day <----comma after day
my legs protested being cramped <---insert from after protested
was knelt <---was kneeling or knelt...not both
he reached other <---out, not other
picked it delicately up <----delicately picked it up or picked it up delicately, but not delicately up.
He asked kindly,<---as part of a quote/sentence, he would be lover case.
Thanking you, my dear, sweet, SOBER friend! Just a thought...no one can bring out a 'best' that isn't already hiding beneath 'stuff.' I knew from when we first met that you were a singularly unique and wonderful person! You radiate all those characteristics that are almost fading to unusual in the world. You are kind and sweet and one of those 'truly good' folks and you have a heart that doesn't quit!!! Faith in you? Of course! Always! I know you will take your sobriety into your future, almost an armor, perhaps and that you will continue to stay that way because...bottom line...you WANT to be sober. No need to hide when you are so special...now you can shine!
Liked this...a intertwined, interwoven coupling...a tapestry of two. Some of the wording feels a little forced to the rhyme and that would be my best suggestion in revision. Example would be 'for no harm will you come to...perhaps play with the word, 'true' instead. Also, in the same verse, I would suggest 'to hod and to love you' as it would flow better. I suggest reading your work out loud as it will help you keep a steady rhythm and beat.
This is quite improved over my initial reading! Still enjoy the 2nd verse the best. This is a good example of a realization poem, one that shows growth and that the writer is beginning to challenge long held beliefs and and self-protective mechanisms. The real world may hold more dangers, but it also holds many more opportunities for love and the abilities to experience living to its fullest!
Whew! Using this in this week's For Authors Newsletter!
I will NEVER forget the time I had my daughter at the store and she vanished on me...Three lifetimes and probly five minutes later, I heard the intercom requestiong 'the parents of ...'. There she was grinning. "It worked, Mommy" she said happily. I'd told her if she ever got lost to find a policeman or the people at the front of the store. She just 'had' to test it out!
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- What 'in-tree-gued' me: I particularly liked the conversational tone of this piece, as if we were sitting down, drinking coffee, and you were regaling me with the tale! I feel it works exceptionally well with this piece and makes it 'feel' all the more 'real' due to the tone used.
- What creeped me out: The shaking! Perhaps it
was trying to tell you to shut the attic door! 
Oh wait! This should be stuff I found wrong. Poor little spider...didn't find anything: No dinner for you! No creepy-crawly typo-bugs skittering around.
- Anything I could be 'witchy' about? Only in the Glinda sense! It is so nice to see when someone consistently uses apostrophes correctly; especially in possessives. 
- Hoots! - I grew up in NJ, (Bergen County) and spent many a weekend at the shore, on the various lakes and at a friend's house on the Ramapo River. (Wonders which river your friend's house was on?) We had both American and British soldier ghosts meandering around our house as it was (way back when) both an American and a British headquarters for the folks working in the iron mines and making the cannonballs. (I lived on Cannonball Rd!) At one time or another, there were battles there over who'd get the iron from the mines. 
- 'Owl' give you 
What I'd give you if you allowed stars!!!