Yes. My grandmother always said, "We have two ears and one mouth for a reason! Listen twice as much as you run your mouth!" She was 100% right! Love this poem! Just wrote myself a note to use in next week's Poetry Newsletter!
Well crafted! WTG - on both the poetry and the sentiment! ~fyn
I really liked this. I'll get to the 'whys' of it in a minute.
Curious as to the word count. I thought that and which if not both lists were to be listed?
Here is a hint that will help you in the 'getting' of reviews in general. Many, many of us here at WDC have old eyes. OLD eyes. Using a tiny font makes it most difficult to read on a computer screen. Using a larger font helps inordinately!!! Fighting to read a tale pulls one out of it. (never a good thing!) When the story is good, but you can't enjoy the reading, it is sad. The tiny font can cause one to 'lose their place' especially during some of the extremely long, winding sentences. Grammatically, they were correct, but it was a bit difficult to follow them, without having to go back and reread it again. Sometimes breaking it up might be the better way to go. I know you were trying to stay in the way of the old woman and how she spoke, which you did, and did well, but - a two-edged sword that.
You clearly put a lot of work and effort into this. I wish that it had been less of a story told. It keeps the reader outside instead of drawing them in. And I wanted to be 'in'!
The ending was flat-out super. The stars, the tears, the flicking of the one to become a star. I think that was the best part of all! Did kind of wonder at where the parents were and why they weren't in evidence. The tooth for the story, though, was great! Oh, and her telling the young girl that she needn't hear tales of monsters!
Your story was one of my favorites in the contest. Good Luck! ~~fyn
I like this piece - here are just some of the reasons why.
When he felt more confusion than clarity, when the magic seemed to dissipate, he could come to the woods and revitalize his spirituality. There once had been a spark to his life, a dancing flame, a decree of greater things ahead. But somewhere the zest had been drained until there was nothing left in the cup of inspiration from which he slurped.
<<<--------------This was a great couple of sentences! Why? Because you bring us inside your character and make him accessible. I also love your choice of the word 'slurped' rather than the more typical word 'sipped.' Good call!
Another example of fine writing. " He hitched his breath in, his shoulders heaving up and down as he stood, pathetic and helpless. His hair was blowing as if it was prairie grass billowing in the arriving gale." <<<------ The standing pathetic and helpless --another excellent visual! The wind/prairie grass/hair comparison was super!
Another reason I enjoyed this piece was the flashes of humor. For example, when Boh 'buries the lead.' That was funny!
The whole paragraph with the pra(e)ying mantis. Which? Either. Funny. One of the essentials with fantasy is getting your reader to accept the world/realm of the story: its parameters, its physics, its people and critters. More so when the fantasy is plopped down into the 'real world.' This is something you seem to excel at. There is no doubt in the reader's mind, no questioning of what is happening. We believe it. More, you've dragged us in. We are right there. And we accept we are no longer sitting at our desk or sprawled on the couch.
Tortella. Really, really, reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyy liked this character. And, humor again, the bit about and what Tortella said about Boh's lips was giggle inducing and felt spot on. Good job!!
Overall, this was a great piece and IMHO fulfilled the prompt admirably. The forced words were all used well and never felt forced! WTG.
Before I forget - teensy typo in this line, I shall call you “Poofy Pants Long Nose” if keep on.
Minute so no star deduction from me but as this is for a contest, hopefully, you'll have time to fix it.
High Men - Well, you are no longer a poetry virgin!
Poetry does not HAVE to rhyme, even if that IS your name! I liked the next to last verse - in many ways, indeed it may well do just that! Any writing we do, in some way or another, goes to further our learning!
Kudos for giving the unknown a game first effort! ~fyn
The air will be hot by afternoon, the last grazing of summer’s weakening fingers of direct heat as the season abdicates to autumn.
<<<------Great line!
For those who choose to see him, his rags and overly large hand-me-downs are the insignia of an inferior status, not the struggles he has overcome in his life.
<<<------Another great line!
Those around him who always look through him, beyond him, have already assigned him the place lowest in their neon-lit caste system.
<<<------Aand another!
Seems to be a pattern forming!!!
OOOps! "She lights another cigarette." - earlier you wrote, "the last of her last ..."
It feels as if his body is trying to vomit an old Brillo pad.
<<<-----BRILLIANT image!
pondering the monument representing the sum of an existence erased.
<<<-----and another!
this was REALLY well crafted! The one little oops (easily fixed by 'her next to last cigarette') cannot detract from the sheer fext that this is so, so, SO well done! Bravo!
Ah... I said not tonight, but then curiosity won the battle and I am so glad it did. What a great piece! 'Small graves for every skeleton you gave me.' and that metaphorical flicking away of a poisonous gnat! Yay! Good on you! Nice when one can return to a 'special' place and learn, then know, it hasn't been destroyed, that indeed it has now a better (if different) allure for having overcome we thought might not be um, overcomeable. (is that even a word? Should be, if not!)
A totally different take on the typical goals and 'what I'm gonna do this year' that permeates many Dear Me entries. So well written. The author shines through and looks forward to using what he's gleaned from 2020 as he goes forth into the unknown of a changed world and an uncertain (for any of us) future. Well crafted. Absolute kudos! ~fyn
Whew! Using this in this week's Poetry Newsletter on emotional poetry. You'll see why, and the main reason I'm including this is that, while reading it, I could actually hear it! Kudos for both a difficult poem to write and an exceptionally well written one. ~fyn
I need to preface this review by stating that I really don't care for fanfiction. Even, perhaps ESPECIALLY, fan fiction about a show I love. Fanfiction writers always seem to mess with the best, well thought out parts of it, they don't (logically) see or know the long view. More, you are a truly good friend. Because of that, I knew that I'd have to write/tell you what I honestly felt. I know you are an excellent writer, one who has grown exponentially over the years, but still, fanfiction. I faced reading this with trepidation, to say the least.
All that being said, I flat out loved this! You didn't mess with my beloved characters in a way that felt untrue, just wrong or ill-considered. You added a logical twist that could work; albeit opening up several cans of worms. But what the hey -- fishing! *grin*
John's characterization was totally spot-on; I could hear him speaking the dialog. His mannerisms were very 'him.' You nailed it!
Aside from that, I found no typos or inaccuracies or any other editorial type stuff to correct.
You wrote a well-crafted story that was true to all aspects of the show. Given Taylor Sheridan's writing ... well done. WELL DONE!
AND ... she does it again! Excellent take on the prompt! There are some extemely well written lines like the following, for example:Rage bubbled up at her brother’s sneer, choking back the spoken word as surely as the written had failed her.
*giggling!* Love it --A LOT to work in and using all those clues! Feeling as if I should know the tune...not sure tho. Still, the one I came up with worked! :) I seriously doubt I could write a styory in 18 sentences! I have a hard time keeping one down to 2000 words! Kudo, my friend, KUDOS!!!
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