I am writing this review as a judge for the Dialogue entries for
our Rising Stars Candidates Writing Dialogue Challenge- Persuasive
As a whole, I had a bit of an issue with the argument. Some of the storyline did not make much sense (so I could see her viewpoint on the 40s people playing high school kids.) But I truly wasn't able to buy the his logic, nor her going along with it.
The thinking of a forty year old needs to sound forty and, frankly, it did not. Especially the comments going back and forth about eye color and freckles. It 'sounded' younger than high school (and they weren't acting) and thus was a long stretch. It didn't read realistically. It didn't 'feel' real and that is a big issue. The 'believability' of characters as they converse needs to feel in the moment.
At some points the piece reads like an OLD married couple - fussing over dinner dishes etc. - but then it reverted to younger, rather than feeling consistent.
I read the entries out loud with a friend to check for how it 'sounded' and it simply didn't sound like two adults talking. This, then, was the biggest problem with the piece and one many writers struggle with. It is usually a good idea to read dialogue out loud (or snag a friend or two to read the parts!) because it really helps with how the 'argument' comes across and if it feels right. You don't want a 'break' in a reader's reading to think, as my friend did, 'Seriously?' so reading it aloud can really help with this.
Writing dialog takes practice. I give you points for working at it. I remember being terrified of writing it until I realized I had no choice if I wanted a piece to flow. It is dialog that drives a story forward and is incredibly important.
Another factor is to have the two voices have characteristics that make the voices 'sound' different. Men don't talk the same as women. They use different phrasings, shorthand, logic and verbiage. It really helps to listen to people conversing when you are not a part of the conversation. Women blast along, men tend to be more hesitant. Women's sentences tend to be longer than men's. How they describe things are different as well as the tones of their voices. These are all things that can be played with in a conversation.
Another issue is the quick, sudden flip of the woman's viewpoint. A few silly flatteries wouldn't convince her, I shouldn't think. Then ending felt rushed. I don't know if you ran out of allotted words, (or not) but the ending felt rushed. People do not think the way these two did. Love isn't spoken of on a whim or that quickly, especially if these two have been friends for years, the level doesn't jump that quickly. Dimples and freckles comments are no basis for love and would make sense there would be far more conversation before that big of a leap is made.
All that being said, the piece has potential, but as is still needs work to be convincing. This not necessarily a bad thing. Revision and rewriting are a writer's stock in trade and something we do over and over and over again to get it right.
The newbie can write!!! Really enjoyed this. Decided I had to check out your writing after I noticed that you've won or placed in the WDC contests of late. Extremely rare for any one person to win a prize several months in a row! Kudos on that!!
So sad..empty...may this never be me or anyone I know!!! But you nailed the non-ness of it so well! The invisible one who wafts through and no one sees or interacts with cause her to be invisible. Kind of what her to drop a jar of pickles on the grocery store floor so they will see her!!
What a wonderful perspective and pointing out a simple truth one simply doesn't think about...the pleasures, unintended pleasures, we gain that we get through nothing of ourselves except to stop, slow down and actually notice!! (Which too many folks do not do}
Really, really enjoyed this...the sounds when read out loud, the assonance, the words just flowed so beautifully. I also really enjoyed some of the fresh phrasings! For example,
Awestruck, as a cardinal sings,
Oh Spring! In the winter of life,
Your album holds wonderful things,
To distract from time's thrusting knife.
Interesting, but I found his conclusion to be faulty...everyone is a mix or good and bad, selfish and giving, argumentative and compromising, smart sometimes, dumb others. I thought he seemed rather blissfully normal. He wasn't terrible and certainly, not a monster...just my thoughts.
Writing wise, well done, Didn't see any typos and was most readable and kept me wanting more.
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- Seems I keep on running into (or through?) you of late!
- What 'in-tree-gued' me: I particularly liked the conversational tone of this piece, as if we were sitting down, drinking coffee, and you were regaling me with the tale! I feel it works exceptionally well with this piece and makes it 'feel' all the more 'real' due to the tone used.
- What creeped me out: The shaking! Perhaps it was trying to tell you to shut the attic door! Oh wait! This should be stuff I found wrong. Poor little spider...didn't find anything: No dinner for you! No creepy-crawly typo-bugs skittering around.
- Anything I could be 'witchy' about? Only in the Glinda sense! It is so nice to see when someone consistently uses apostrophes correctly; especially in possessives.
- Hoots! - I grew up in NJ, (Bergen County) and spent many a weekend at the shore, on the various lakes and at a friend's house on the Ramapo River. (Wonders which river your friend's house was on?) We had both American and British soldier ghosts meandering around our house as it was (way back when) both an American and a British headquarters for the folks working in the iron mines and making the cannonballs. (I lived on Cannonball Rd!) At one time or another, there were battles there over who'd get the iron from the mines.
- 'Owl' give you What I'd give you if you allowed stars!!!
meant<---met
A single white feather, soft and downy was fluttering in front of my face<----soft and downy,
I couldn't help but thinking<---think
Welcome to WdC!!! I know you wrote that this was for a contest, so I offer a few corrections :)
I liked this...you had me there with you and that midnight phone call is one we all dread!
Another gust of wind, from a previously breezeless day <----comma after day
my legs protested being cramped <---insert from after protested
was knelt <---was kneeling or knelt...not both
he reached other <---out, not other
picked it delicately up <----delicately picked it up or picked it up delicately, but not delicately up.
He asked kindly,<---as part of a quote/sentence, he would be lover case.
Thanking you, my dear, sweet, SOBER friend! Just a thought...no one can bring out a 'best' that isn't already hiding beneath 'stuff.' I knew from when we first met that you were a singularly unique and wonderful person! You radiate all those characteristics that are almost fading to unusual in the world. You are kind and sweet and one of those 'truly good' folks and you have a heart that doesn't quit!!! Faith in you? Of course! Always! I know you will take your sobriety into your future, almost an armor, perhaps and that you will continue to stay that way because...bottom line...you WANT to be sober. No need to hide when you are so special...now you can shine!
Liked this...a intertwined, interwoven coupling...a tapestry of two. Some of the wording feels a little forced to the rhyme and that would be my best suggestion in revision. Example would be 'for no harm will you come to...perhaps play with the word, 'true' instead. Also, in the same verse, I would suggest 'to hod and to love you' as it would flow better. I suggest reading your work out loud as it will help you keep a steady rhythm and beat.
This is quite improved over my initial reading! Still enjoy the 2nd verse the best. This is a good example of a realization poem, one that shows growth and that the writer is beginning to challenge long held beliefs and and self-protective mechanisms. The real world may hold more dangers, but it also holds many more opportunities for love and the abilities to experience living to its fullest!
Whew! Using this in this week's For Authors Newsletter!
I will NEVER forget the time I had my daughter at the store and she vanished on me...Three lifetimes and probly five minutes later, I heard the intercom requestiong 'the parents of ...'. There she was grinning. "It worked, Mommy" she said happily. I'd told her if she ever got lost to find a policeman or the people at the front of the store. She just 'had' to test it out!
This:
The wolf begins to walk forward with teeth bared,
his intent completely clear. He plans a savage attack!
The boy thinks, ‘I knew what you were, but I cared
for you anyway. I guess a wolf really can’t love back.
had my heart in my throat!
I'm using this in this week's For Authors Newsletter.
This clearly needed to be longer, allowing a greater level of developing the character.
I liked the concept of his being a concept of imagination, the 'character' in his writer's mind. That was particularly cool!
But I needed there to be more than a rectangular white world (good image!) and if the character could find and use a pencil, surely there were other things he could do, as, for example, most writers encounter a character that takes off and goes somewhere the author never expected!
And as we all know, when that happens, we give the character his head and let him go, becoming merely the hands and fingers to write or type out his adventures. This is what happens when a character transcends that invisible divide between imaginary and real!
Way too short! The contest has the 2000 word limit so you don't do longer, but use the available words to flesh out the entry. In this case, it would have helped to give depth, add nuance and give the reader a far better sense of the character.
There many odd-phrasings that weren't 'quite' grammatically correct. When using a title, such as 'Alone Again,' it should be in quotes or italics.
Using the allotted words would have given you the chance to develop a character that the reader could actually care about, rather than him seeming unlikable and shallow so that no one cares that, aside from about her, that she died.
There is some potential here, but this needs much work and revision.
This was really good! I liked the way it all spun out, the confusion, the voice, the thoughts behind the words and the not accepting the story fed him.
This was well written, felt 'true' and kept this reader reading and wanting to know how it would eventually all play out! Well done!
I did, however, feel there would have been a little more sense of panic, of being (at least on the inside) some fear. Then, later, the 'why' he was tailing her, more about who she was or what she was involved it. That left-over 800 some words could have, er, ah, filled in some of the holes (?)
This was a really well written piece! Lines like the river of blood served layered purpose on nuance on to who the boy became and how the father saw him. LOVED the 'sneezed' part! Great timing that!
The line:It was loaded with magnums. kind of through me, stopped me mid-read. Magnum rounds, perhaps. Something like; it wasn't loaded with any pansy wadcutters, no, it was all magnum rounds...or some such would have read better. My hubby has a 44 Magnum and I've never heard the terminology magnums used by anyone...hotloads or something but....
ah and a 44 kind of outguns a .357.. :) Sorry, couldn't resist!
Allow me to preface this by saying that I do not really care to read werewolf stories; they are simply NOT my thing. I like reading fantasy, but this subset of the genre does nothing for me what so ever.
Now, that being said (or written)--I really enjoyed this piece! I particularly liked the voice of the character, the way it gave just enough background and reasonings; the tone throughout and the little kick at the end...sort of a 'just when you thought it was safe to go into the water' sort of nudge.
He is a mountain of a man: six foot six, 250 pounds. You can hear numbers like that a million times, but they don't really mean anything until you're in a room with the guy they refer to. Suddenly the room seems too small, the table between you too narrow, the door too far away.
What needs work
The switching between first and third person...better to keep in all in 3rd rather than back and forth which really doesn't work.
Final thoughts
I thought the overall idea was excellent and the language used portrayed everything really well.
These are just my thoughts and impressions. No two individual readers will ever react the exact same way to a piece of writing.
Thoughts/impressions
First thought over all was that this piece was too short. When given 2000 words, it is a good idea to use the majority of them.
Final thoughts
This read more like abstract or a bio than a short story, as in there was nothing more than facts; bones but no meat, no substance. No quirks, no individuality. There was no little bit to pull a reader in or make them want to know much more about the character.
Using the allotted words would have given the writer space to develop the chacter behind the facts, give substance and let us see more than the flat image portrayed.
Memories of a Christmas past...sounds like mine every year...then again...I'm part Peter Pan and may I never grow up that far! Using this in this week's Poetry Newsletter
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- What 'in-tree-gued' me: I particularly liked the conversational tone of this piece, as if we were sitting down, drinking coffee, and you were regaling me with the tale! I feel it works exceptionally well with this piece and makes it 'feel' all the more 'real' due to the tone used.
- What creeped me out: The shaking! Perhaps it
was trying to tell you to shut the attic door! 
Oh wait! This should be stuff I found wrong. Poor little spider...didn't find anything: No dinner for you! No creepy-crawly typo-bugs skittering around.
- Anything I could be 'witchy' about? Only in the Glinda sense! It is so nice to see when someone consistently uses apostrophes correctly; especially in possessives. 
- Hoots! - I grew up in NJ, (Bergen County) and spent many a weekend at the shore, on the various lakes and at a friend's house on the Ramapo River. (Wonders which river your friend's house was on?) We had both American and British soldier ghosts meandering around our house as it was (way back when) both an American and a British headquarters for the folks working in the iron mines and making the cannonballs. (I lived on Cannonball Rd!) At one time or another, there were battles there over who'd get the iron from the mines. 
- 'Owl' give you 
What I'd give you if you allowed stars!!! 
What needs work