Sniff. This sent me tumbling back in time. Tears, neither san nor happy, just emotional, burn. I'm using this in my For Authors Newsletter this week. Thank you! ~Fyn
This was great! I'm using it in this week's For Authors Newsletter. Especially loved the bit about wrinkling up the roads to make them fit. Makes sense to me! LOL. ~fyn
I really liked this and am using it in this week's Poetry Newsletter.
Just a suggestion. Don't have every line start with the uppercase letter if it is not the beginning of a sentence as it takes the reader out of the poem and takes away from the poem's impact!
Hi. I'm Fyn. I am always happy when folks are trying for Rising Stars!
To be completely honest, I am not sure that this was a convincing, persuasive argument. First off, there were three questions asked versus convincing 'Malcolm' of one answer. And, you never 'really' answered the initial question of WHY the world (questioning the word choice here, given your answer) is brighter on the other side. Your initial question was the point that should have been being defended. Not his subsequent questions.
The use of the word 'world' is an issue for anyone who has event the dimmest concept of heaven - which is where the essay is leaving. If it had been a world with two sides or perhaps a world pre and post dissent etc, then 'world' would have been appropriate.
While you have good answers (in a sense) to subsequent questions you posed, this then is problematic because you are basing the responses on one book. Not trying to take anything away from your beliefs, here. But in a persuasive essay, you need to back the supposition with a preponderance of the evidence. Using the Bible - which for you is key, you must remember that it might not be in all cases, not as a book of facts which are provable.
Tackling a subject such as religion in a persuasive essay is extremely difficult. At the end of it, you need to have convinced someone entirely. Given your initial question, my responses, had I been Malcolm, would have been:
1. What 'world?' Another planet?
2. How is it brighter? Why?
3. Brighter still includes dark vs saying 'There is an absence of dark on the other side.' <--- as an example.
Malcolm wasn't used as an adversary rather as a conduit to help the first speaker. He went along with everything said rather than questioning.
There were a few typos scattered, such as, Bible speaks about what will happen? That is a declarative statement; not a question.
The statement: The Bible is The Word of God. It tells about the time when Jesus walked on this earth. He died, rose again,
and will walk among us again when he returns to earth. is not totally even a correct statement. The New Testament is, but the Old Testament is not about 'when Jesus walked on this earth.'
A persuasive argument must provide answers in such a way that readers cannot question the answers given.
I really hope that this helps you understand more about writing persuasive arguments/dialog. If so, then the entire experience has proven to be a learning experience and that is a good thing! :)
Yes. My grandmother always said, "We have two ears and one mouth for a reason! Listen twice as much as you run your mouth!" She was 100% right! Love this poem! Just wrote myself a note to use in next week's Poetry Newsletter!
Well crafted! WTG - on both the poetry and the sentiment! ~fyn
I really liked this. I'll get to the 'whys' of it in a minute.
Curious as to the word count. I thought that and which if not both lists were to be listed?
Here is a hint that will help you in the 'getting' of reviews in general. Many, many of us here at WDC have old eyes. OLD eyes. Using a tiny font makes it most difficult to read on a computer screen. Using a larger font helps inordinately!!! Fighting to read a tale pulls one out of it. (never a good thing!) When the story is good, but you can't enjoy the reading, it is sad. The tiny font can cause one to 'lose their place' especially during some of the extremely long, winding sentences. Grammatically, they were correct, but it was a bit difficult to follow them, without having to go back and reread it again. Sometimes breaking it up might be the better way to go. I know you were trying to stay in the way of the old woman and how she spoke, which you did, and did well, but - a two-edged sword that.
You clearly put a lot of work and effort into this. I wish that it had been less of a story told. It keeps the reader outside instead of drawing them in. And I wanted to be 'in'!
The ending was flat-out super. The stars, the tears, the flicking of the one to become a star. I think that was the best part of all! Did kind of wonder at where the parents were and why they weren't in evidence. The tooth for the story, though, was great! Oh, and her telling the young girl that she needn't hear tales of monsters!
Your story was one of my favorites in the contest. Good Luck! ~~fyn
I like this piece - here are just some of the reasons why.
When he felt more confusion than clarity, when the magic seemed to dissipate, he could come to the woods and revitalize his spirituality. There once had been a spark to his life, a dancing flame, a decree of greater things ahead. But somewhere the zest had been drained until there was nothing left in the cup of inspiration from which he slurped.
<<<--------------This was a great couple of sentences! Why? Because you bring us inside your character and make him accessible. I also love your choice of the word 'slurped' rather than the more typical word 'sipped.' Good call!
Another example of fine writing. " He hitched his breath in, his shoulders heaving up and down as he stood, pathetic and helpless. His hair was blowing as if it was prairie grass billowing in the arriving gale." <<<------ The standing pathetic and helpless --another excellent visual! The wind/prairie grass/hair comparison was super!
Another reason I enjoyed this piece was the flashes of humor. For example, when Boh 'buries the lead.' That was funny!
The whole paragraph with the pra(e)ying mantis. Which? Either. Funny. One of the essentials with fantasy is getting your reader to accept the world/realm of the story: its parameters, its physics, its people and critters. More so when the fantasy is plopped down into the 'real world.' This is something you seem to excel at. There is no doubt in the reader's mind, no questioning of what is happening. We believe it. More, you've dragged us in. We are right there. And we accept we are no longer sitting at our desk or sprawled on the couch.
Tortella. Really, really, reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyy liked this character. And, humor again, the bit about and what Tortella said about Boh's lips was giggle inducing and felt spot on. Good job!!
Overall, this was a great piece and IMHO fulfilled the prompt admirably. The forced words were all used well and never felt forced! WTG.
Before I forget - teensy typo in this line, I shall call you “Poofy Pants Long Nose” if keep on.
Minute so no star deduction from me but as this is for a contest, hopefully, you'll have time to fix it.
High Men - Well, you are no longer a poetry virgin!
Poetry does not HAVE to rhyme, even if that IS your name! I liked the next to last verse - in many ways, indeed it may well do just that! Any writing we do, in some way or another, goes to further our learning!
Kudos for giving the unknown a game first effort! ~fyn
The air will be hot by afternoon, the last grazing of summer’s weakening fingers of direct heat as the season abdicates to autumn.
<<<------Great line!
For those who choose to see him, his rags and overly large hand-me-downs are the insignia of an inferior status, not the struggles he has overcome in his life.
<<<------Another great line!
Those around him who always look through him, beyond him, have already assigned him the place lowest in their neon-lit caste system.
<<<------Aand another!
Seems to be a pattern forming!!!
OOOps! "She lights another cigarette." - earlier you wrote, "the last of her last ..."
It feels as if his body is trying to vomit an old Brillo pad.
<<<-----BRILLIANT image!
pondering the monument representing the sum of an existence erased.
<<<-----and another!
this was REALLY well crafted! The one little oops (easily fixed by 'her next to last cigarette') cannot detract from the sheer fext that this is so, so, SO well done! Bravo!
Ah... I said not tonight, but then curiosity won the battle and I am so glad it did. What a great piece! 'Small graves for every skeleton you gave me.' and that metaphorical flicking away of a poisonous gnat! Yay! Good on you! Nice when one can return to a 'special' place and learn, then know, it hasn't been destroyed, that indeed it has now a better (if different) allure for having overcome we thought might not be um, overcomeable. (is that even a word? Should be, if not!)
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