The emotion in the Poem leaps off the page . This aspect of your Poem is very impressive.
I enjoyed the fact you decided to write this Poem in free verse. You allowed the potency of the emotions to be expressed by refraining from being boxed in by rhyme and meter. In doing so, the 'feel' of your item was natural and sincere.
The wordplay is simple but direct further enhancing the natural undertones weaved through the item.
My only suggestion is to put some extra focus onto your final line. The entire Poem held strength. The complication of the situation was vivid in each individual line but the simplicity of your final words loses some of that power.
Well done. It was a pleasure to read your work.
Write on!
This Poem is well written and pulls on the heart strings of the reader with ease. It is simple, but delicate wordplay has enhance the emotion you are expressing.
I have no suggestions for change to the content of the Poem. The item is executed superbly and I feel that nothing needs to be added or edited.
However, the format in which you have written this to is not flattering to the item. One small suggestion I have for you would be to highlight the transition words- Unwelcome, Unbidden and reminders, by bolding them or changing the color to ensure maximum impact on the reader.
I read one of your Poems listed on the newbie page and loved it so much, I had to see what else you have to offer in your port!
There is no doubt in my mind that you have an incredible talent for writing Poems in this genre. You write items that speak for themselves and do not require comment.
It amazes me that you are able to write so effortlessly from the heart. Of course the viewer is aware they are being shown the final product and any struggles the creator has had within the item is hidden from us. But you manage to make your items seem so natural and that is a talent in itself.
The pattern of secondary rhyme I have seen in both Poems I have read so far is executed well. You have rhymed the words perfectly, enhancing the flow of the format.
This Poem is emotional, beautifully written and poetically portrayed to the reader.
It is so refreshing to read a male's point of view in the love game and be faced with something so sincere and wonderfully executed.
The Poem is woven with emotion that twists and turns through out the item. It begins strong and remains consistent until the very end. Whoever this was written about obviously never read it or she would have melted.
I have no suggestions for improvement. This quality of this Poem is vivid for all to see and it speaks for itself.
I have three children and I can say without a doubt that all of my kids would love this story.
The rhyme makes it more exciting and gives it a sing-song feel which the average child would find appealing. The item is upbeat and the wordplay is simple. All of the right elements needed to secure a young audience have been incorporated. This story would have most kids eating out of the palm of your hand and screaming for more!
There were no visible errors in the item. There is no punctuation which I would suggest adding, especially for educational purposes for the older children who would be interested.
You picked an audience, wrote for them and it is a success. At 27 years of age I am wondering if I should be scared that I liked it too!
Well done and best of luck with your future writings.
~Gothic Angel~
I find writing to be theurapetic, especially when it allows me the freedom to purge without being judged. I sincerely hope that you are able to find some relief in writing this.
I will refrain from commenting on the mechanics of the Poem because I simply feel this is item is too intimate to be fiddled with for display purposes. Well done to you for finding the strength and courage to write it. It was sad and quite touching.
You have vividly portrayed the thoughts and feelings of one that is suffering from Depression. As a manic depressive myself, I know first hand the suffering one goes through when inflicted by these emotions.
Love can sometimes be depression, on that note I agree with you. But a love that results in depression is one that is destructive and a connection that must be severed. All relationships have their ups and downs because they are based on emotion and as we are all aware emotions also have their highs and lows.
The only visible error within this item is the over-use of the commas. They need to be replaced with the appropriate punctuation.
This was a pleasure to read. It was haunting and something that I could personally relate to. Keep in mind that the struggles we are faced with are ones that ultimately make us stronger. It is hard to break the cycle of becoming a victim to your own self but a survivor finds ways to break through the walls that are placed in front of us.
Best of luck with your future writings.
~Gothic Angel~
When reading something, the viewer expects to be led on a journey. You took me to the past and continued through until the present. This aspect of the item was delivered perfectly.
The wordplay you have used is simple. This enhances your item by making it feel as though you were telling the story to me and I was not reading it. At no point did the item 'feel' staged for viewing purposes. It was sincere.
However, the format you have used to write this, I feel does not work. In certain areas of the item it reads like Poetry yet has no Poetic structure whatsoever. Other areas have more of a 'verse' feel yet the content also does not fit into that. Categorizing this under 'other' further enhances the disruption of 'what' this item actually is. My advice to you would be to re-write this, structured to a flash fiction format.
One of the main disruptions for me was the consistency of the {i's} that have not been appropriately capitalized. When refering to yourself you must capitalize. The lack of punctuation to the content in general reduces the quality of the item, further hurting the rhythm and flow for the reader. Once these minor errors have been noted and adjusted this item is sure to be a winner with a 5 star recognition!
Well done and best of luck with your future writings.
~Gothic Angel~
I am not an expert on essays so I will not comment on the foundation of the essay.
I will however comment on the theme.
This essay has all of the ingredients present for a good read. It is warming to hear of the journey you have all taken together. From the first moment you purchased her as your pet up until now.
Sharing her quirks and characteristics with the reader enables us to 'feel' the item.
I also loved the way you incorporated some educational information into your essay. It is a nice item to read and even more of a treat knowing that I have just been taught something I did not know.
Well done and best of luck with your future writings.
~Gothic Angel~
I love this item but I hold more admiration for the fact you were able to bring yourself to write it.
I am also able to relate personally to this item, first hand. I lived the same nightmare for 16 years and I too survived. I completely agree with you on the point you make about time healing all wounds. Living through abuse is not something that time can ever heal because it is always a nightmare we re-live in our minds, but time can help to lower the impact the memories have on us.
I applaud you for writing this piece and have no suggestions for change. You have written it from the heart and in sharing your experience with others, hopefully it reaches out to someone who is still living the nightmare so they know there is a world outside of their torment.
Well done. The item is fantastically written by a true survivor.
Write on!
Your Poem touches on a subject that is surprisingly becoming more and more common.
Your Poem travels through many different emotions as the reader moves through the content. Passion, yearning, happiness, remorse...the list goes on. One thing in particular grasped my attention and that was how 'sincere' this item felt when I was reading it.
You have expressed the emotions one would experience if they were ever to find themselves in this situation vividly.
The actual mechanics of the Poem are slightly lacking in certain areas and in my opinion require further attention. (Please feel free to diregard any advice I give you if you feel it is not required)
You begin the Poem by rhyming the first and last line in the first verse. In the following three verses you switch to rhyme the 2nd and 4th words, eventually ending the Poem with two three lined verses.
The scheme is extremely choppy and in turn causes distraction for the reader.
My advice to you is choose if you would prefer this Poem to be expressed in stanza form or verse form and follow through with the one format. I suggest you do the same with the rhyme. Decide if you would like your rhyme to be consistent or in-consitent and decide on one rhythm to follow. Your Poem would also be further enhanced if you were to consider adding the appropriate punctuation in the content to guide your reader through each verse step by step.
In general this Poem is an enjoyable read because it is educational. People who have never experienced this predicament are given an insight into the unknown and people who have experienced this are given something to relate too.
I thoroughly enjoyed the way you highlighted both Kayla and Jayden's views. It made the story reach me on a more intimate level. It deepened the level of emotion coming from both of the characters.
Having exprerienced the 'baby blues' myself I am aware of how accurate this story is. You have delved deep into the 'nitty gritty' of this problem and exposed the serious nature of it for all to see. In that respect this item is quite educating for people who are not aware of the condition.
It is well written and I found no errors in the content. I have no suggestions for improvement.
Well done and best of luck with your future writings.
I enjoyed this Poem because it speaks to me personally. Alcohol has played a massive role in my life, as a child and as an adult. I am able to understand the urgency in this Poem for things to go back to the way they once were. I have been the person pleading and the person being asked to come back.
The pace of the Poem is soft and slow. The content of the Poem would benefit greatly if you were to slightly speed it up by adding the appropriate punctuation. The rhyme is consistent and works well, enhancing the 'flow' of the item.
The content is emotional and sincere and reaches out to the reader with ease forcing them to take notice of the plea in this Poem.
Certain lines in the Poem are very long and seem to run their course half way through. Perhaps by slightly tightening and adjusting them the momentum of the Poem will speed up.
Well done. It was an emotional write that was a pleasure to read.
Write on!
~Gothic Angel~
You set yourself a strong challenge by using the word 'elephant' for your first Acrostic. It was creative of you to think of using this word as the basis of an Acrostic.
It is good that you have included small snippets of description within the Acrostic. You made reference to its size and also the quality of its memory. From that aspect your item is informative and educational for people who know nothing about Elephants.
This Acrostic would greatly benefit from some attention being paid to the quality of the content. It is lacking depth and in general there is no spark or 'wow factor' to the reader when they are reading it. Perhaps this would be better enhanced if you were to try and include some rhyme to jazz it up a bit. I would also suggest that you place some further focus onto the word selections you have made to enable your reader to be drawn in by what you have created.
My comments are only suggestions and are not intended for offence. Only you know what is best for your work and I wish you the best of luck with it.
Your item is creative and by posing questions to your reader you are allowing them to connect to your item on a more personal level.
I noticed some errors in your item which I will point out to you as follows in case you would like to correct them.
The first errors in this item that stand out the most are your {i's}. They need to be capitalized. Always capitalize the beginning letter of your item because it is your starting point and therefore requires it. You also need to captalize all of your other {i's} too because you are making reference to yourself.
You have also forgotten to include the appropriate periods or (fullstops) into your item. This error is especially noticeable at the end of your item because you have not ended it by applying it.
In general this item has a great potential to become something better. It is a great starting point to enhance the content and place further focus on the length and depth of your item.
Well done and best of luck with your writing.
~Gothic Angel~
Your short story is very quirky and I enjoyed where you were going with it.
Misunderstandings are interesting themes to base stories upon because there are no rules to abide by.
My only suggestion to you is to elaborate upon the content you already have. The story is far too short for the reader to receive the full effect of the comedy you have weaved into it. With some minor focus placed on this aspect of your story it will definitely be a piece that has your reader laughing out loud.
Your punctuation is all in its correct place and no changes need to be made. However I did happen to notice one small error on the second last line of the item.
You have written 'thhe' this needs to be corrected to 'the'. Well done and best of luck with your future items.
Write on!
This is definitely a Poem of inspiration.
It is written with Poetic elegance and reaches out and demands respect from all who read it.
The Poem itself is creative and your artisitc abilities shine bright through this. The love you have for your country is evident and the patriotic notions are overhwelming.
I did notice one small thing- Line 10 you have written 'sooth'. I am unsure if this is an error because of our different regions, but in Australia we would write 'soothe'. . Thought I should mention it just in case.
Well done. This is an item of inspiration and one I am sure many people will take a great liking to. It was a pleasure to read.
Your story is interesting, and seized my attention from the beginning. It is definitely a story I would enjoy reading more of when it is done.
I did notice some errors and I will point them out to you for editing if you choose to do so. They are as follows:
Line 5- You have written 'ger' and this word should be 'her.
Line 16- 'any one' should have the gap closed and read as 'anyone'.
Same line, last word- Remove 'there' and either replace with '...' to emphasize a continuation or just remove the word and end the line with a period or (fullstop)
Line 19- 'Atleast' needs to be seperated into two words so it reads as 'At least'.
Line 22- 'an dnearly' needs to be edited to 'and nearly'.
Line 23- Last word on this line should be changed to 'that' so it reads correctly.
I hope you have found my review to be helpful.
Best of luck with your story. It is a pleasant read so far.
Well done and write on.
I like the meaning of this Poem. Freedom is a powerful thing and we all strive to have it in various ways. It is great that you have touched on a subject that everyone can relate to.
However, certain areas of your Poem is repetitive which hurts the content. I would consider taking out some of the repetitions because they are not needed, you get your message across to the reader loud and clear without having to resort to this particular method.
Some extra attention to your rhyme scheme is also needed if you want your item to pack a punch to your reader and leave them thinking about your words after they have finished reading.
Your descriptions are good and you present a clear picture to your reader, further enhancing the impact certain lines will have by using comparisons to help strengthen what you are trying to say.
Your punctuation is all in place and does not require any editing. There were no visible errors in this item.
I hope you find my review to be helpful. Well done and best of luck with your future writing.
This is an interesting Poem to read.
Your wordplay is general which is good for a complicated theme like this one. The Poem flows along nicely but then begins to loose focus and seems to writhe and twist loosing direction of the theme you actually began with. This could just be the way I am reading it, but I do suggest that you take another look at it when you have the available time.
There were no visible errors with your spelling in this item but the punctuation does need some extra attention because it is lacking.
I also noticed you use a profanity nearing the end of the item which means that this item will need to be re-rated so it is appropriate for younger viewers to read.
In general it is an interesting piece and this is an excellent starting point for you to strengthen the theme and the other aspects that are not so strong. Once you are able to find the time to do this, you will have a sure winner on your hands.
If you decide to make any changes to this item please let me know because I would love to read this again.
Have a nice day and best of luck with your future writings.
Write on!
This is a lovely story you have here.
The description of the forceful, unwavering weather outside is visual and made me feel cold.
The together-ness of the family was wonderful. It was warm and inviting and created a very nice scene for your reader to become a part of.
I absolutely adore how you have incorporated the recipe of the 'pumpkin bread'. It was an excellent touch to an already wonderful story.
I adore the way you have compared a storm to a shotgun. This was very creative for you to do and in all honesty I have never heard anyone make the comparison between the two before, but they do fit well.
I enjoyed your partial rhyme it worked well in this item. Anything above partial rhyme would have lost the beauty of this item. You balanced it out well.
Your description is above average and sets an awesome scene for the reader to be swept up in. It was very easy for me to create a visual image of the storm from your descriptive words.
I could not find any visible errors in your punctuation or spelling. Everything is as it should be.
I do have one suggestion for you to take onboard if you find it to be appropriate- 4th stanza 1st and 2nd line, I would consider replacing those lines with something better. This was the only twitch I found in your flow whilst I was reading. It didn't seem to fit in and seemed underplayed.
Well done and congrats on a very creative item. Best of luck with your future items.
~Gothic Angel~
This short piece of prose is very impressive. You grasped my attention immediately and managed to make me feel the disgust the main character was experiencing. You portray the decsription of the woman to your reader vividly and in such a way that the reader has no choice than to find her as unattractive as the main character. This aspect of your item was well done.
Your wordplay is simple but fitting for an item of this length. You paced the item well, allowing your reader to slowly peak their dislike for the woman too. The last line was a great way to end this and it leaves the reader wanting more.
There were no visible errors in this item.
Well done. I would enjoy reading something from you that would continue this on and further develop the loathing between the two characters.
I found your item to be appealing immediately because I am a dark writer so I was instantly taken with it.
It has been written well and the pace is superb. You raise the tension in the item gently taking your reader into the item and making them feel as though they are a part of it.
The item would have been more confronting if you had of written it from the main character's viewpoint but nevertheless it still works and seems to be more interesting this way.
Your descriptive writing enhances this item further and makes it extremely easy for the reader to know exactly where they are and what is happening.
There were no visible errors with your spelling or your punctuation.
This was a pleasure to read and review. It was memorable and gave me chills. I am sure this item will come back to haunt me when I am alone in a stromy night.
Well done and write on!
~Gothic Angel~
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