Gothic Angel gone's (gothic_angel) Reviews

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102

#3145404

Review of Tears of Pain

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello Kristi

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review.

Initial impressions: I will be honest in saying that I am amazed you have managed to achieve such depth in an Acrostic, but you did! When the right words are working hand in hand it can be astonishing as to what can come from it. This item is definitely a 'head turner'.

Content: The beginning letter of each new line has been highlighted to help the viewer take notice of the word to which the acrostic has been written. I like that the beginning starts with merely one word descriptions per line and slowly begins to mass as the item evolves.

Errors/inconsistencies: There are no visible errors nor are there any inconsistencies present.

Suggestions for improvement: Suggestions for improvement are not required.

General comment: This is an emotionally charged acrostic which vividly expresses the pain being felt by another. It was very moving.
Well done and write on.

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103

#3145396

Review of Why Do I Hate You?

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello Kristi

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Initial impressios: True to your title description, this poem does indeed ask a question which receives an answer at the end. The question being asked is: Why do I hate you?. I will not divulge the answer so as not to spoil it for others but suffice to say that the answer is just as powerful as the driving emotion.

Content: You have incorporated rhyme into your poem and I usually find that rhyme takes the edge off a serious themed poem but in this case by choosing significant words which pertain to the theme to rhyme you have enhanced the poem as opposed to hindering it.
I love that you have incorporated so many questions into this item. Not only does it encourage the viewer to try to find answers for you along the way but it urges them to ask themselves the same questions.

Errors/inconsistencies: There are no visible errors nor are there any inconsistencies present in the piece.

Suggestions for improvement: No suggestions for improvement are required.

General comment: Your item is presented in a clean and tidy manner. It is direct and follows the one consistent theme throughout its duration. You ask a question and answer it at the finale leaving the reader feeling satisfied that your piece came full circle. It was a pleasure to review your poem.
Well done and write on.

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104

#3144894

Review of Walk Forward

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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critique:

Initial impressions: Your poem, "Walk Forward"

, is essentially based upon wanting to move on to a more fruitful horizon. There is a desperaton within the tone of narration as you repeatedly request for this voyage to begin and I feel this enhanced the depth of the item and made it appear more intimate.

Content: The rhyme is the highlight for me as I feel it makes your item appear more flighty or restless for want of a better description. This infuses your desperation for a need for something better and more pure.

Errors/inconsistencies: There are no visible errors or inconsistencies in your item.

Suggestions for improvement: Suggestions for improvement are not required.

General comment: I love the theme of this poem. I feel it is a theme in which every person who views this poem could relate to in one way or another. Afterall, who does not want something better for themselves and others around them? Great expression, good wordplay and neat and tidy presentation.
Well done and write on!

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105

#3142413

Review of the gleaming lights

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello Sara - will be back soon

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critique.

Initial impressions: Your poem is essentially based upon the spellbinding and dazzling rays of a bright light. Your reference to the hour glass leads me to believe you are referring to a spiritual light as opposed to an ordinary illumination such as car lights or something of that nature.

Content: I like what you have so far but the item ends too abruptly for it to feel finished and it leaves the reader with a sense that something is missing within the item. I feel your poem needs more body and volume to engage the readers complete attention.

Errors/inconsistencies: There are no visible errors in the content nor are there any inconsistencies present.

Suggestions for improvement: I suggest adding onto the content you already have.

General comment: It is a well written poem which is one of the contributing factors to me suggesting that you add on more.

Your descriptions are crystal clear and your poem whilst featuring mystical elements, is expressed in a vivid manner.
Well done and write on.

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106

#3142383

Review of Black Hole

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Initial impressions: This is a poetic item which lures the reader into this emotional wasteland you have created. A realm of murkiness and dead ends at every corner you turn. It reminded me of an abyss.

Content: The wordplay you have used is dark and demanding. Once I began to read your item you had me hook, line and sinker at the end of the first stanza. I was morbidly drawn to your dark and reclusive wonderland and I had no complaints whatsoever.

Errors/inconsistencies: There are no visible errors in your item nor are there any inconsistencies present.

Suggestions for improvement: N/A.

General comment: There is nothing about this item I do not like. Your description states that the Talent Pond requested a poem based on dark thoughts and you delivered exactly what was asked of you. Nothing more and nothing less. It was great!
Well done and write on.

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107

#3142379

Review of Silenced

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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review.

Initial impressions: Your poem is based upon the deep depression suffered by Charlotte who eventually takes her life as her depression deepens. The scene you have created is deep with negative emotion and pulls forcefully upon the heartstrings of the reader. Your wordplay is so strong and tormented that it was easy to predict the ending before reaching it. It was obvious there was no going back for Charlotte.

Content: Exquisite wordplay draws the reader into the depths of the item and manipulates them into feeling the same sense of helplessness which is afflicting Charlotte.

The rhyme creates a haunting tone which brings chills to dance upon the flesh of the reader as they are mesmerized by the potency of the scene.

Errors/inconsistencies:{u/} There are no visible errors present in your item.

Suggestions for improvement: N/A

General comment: Although the format and presentation of your item is not perfect, I would not encourage you to alter it. The emotional potency of the item is so extreme that this may be weakened if you were to fiddle with it and it would be a shame for it to be lost or hindered in any way. With that being said, I give your item a rating of 5.0 for emotional dynamic.
Well done and write on.

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108

#3142371

Review of Unwanted

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

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review.

Initial impressions: Your poem is based upon a journey of depression slowly spiralling towards death. It is meant to be a contrast between dark and light and although the person is released of their pain and suffering after they perish, death of any means does not encourage an example of light, even metaphorically. The end of 'her' existence is not an act of redemption nor is it an advantage in any way. It would have been more sufficent if she reached the light at the end of the tunnel by abolishing her demons whilst still alive. Nevertheless, as a dark writer myself, I do understand where you were going with this.

Content: I like the pattern of rhyme in the item and the wordplay you have used. I can see no visual areas of weakness within your poem, minus her salvation. What you have presented has been written well and it is interesting because it will draw different opinions and interpretations from every individual reader.

Errors/inconsistencies: There are no visible errors present in the item.

Suggestions for improvement: My only suggestion for improvement is to add some volume to your item by using punctuation. This will strengthen your flow and orientate your pace.

General comment: It is a well written poem with strong emotional elements. It is free of encryption and reads very simplistically which helps to increase the understanding of your audience. Well done.
Write on.

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109

#3142341

Review of Melody of the Broken Hearted

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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critique.

Initial impressions: The title of your poem demands the attention of the reader. The viewer is swiftly alerted to the fact that your poem is going to somber in narration and full of emotional impact as the characer expresses the nature of their heartbreak.

Content: The color presentation is a further display of craftsmanship you have fused into the item. It is a loose example of the strength and potency of the emotional dynamic featured in certain lines.

For example: This music once colored pink and red. (written in red text)
Now blackened by your lies; hollow, dead. (written in black text)

This crafty method urges the reader to feel the true emotion within the lines by affecting and manipulating their mood with your color choices. It is almost like writing in brackets at the end of the line- 'This line has more grief than the other, pay attention!'. LOL

Errors/inconsistencies: There are no visible spelling errors in your poem but there is an issue with your punctuation. Each line features a period at the end of it and this is unnecessary and harmful to your overall flow. Fiddle with your punctuation and add some commas and perhaps some elipses in appropriate areas to ensure your flow is as 'melodious and graceful' as the title promises.

Suggestions for improvement: Although you keep to the syllable count in the first two lines of the poem, the rhyme seems awkward and rigid. I encourage you to take a second look over it and see how you can loosen it up.

Lines 3 and 4 of the second stanza consist of indirect rhyme. As you have written the rest of the poem using a selection of direct rhyme this small hiccup immediately jumps out at the reader as the thorn upon the rose. I suggest keeping the pattern of the rhyme to the one solitary format.

General comment: Your poem is gloomy, moving and very easy to establish a connection with simply because, afterall, who has not suffered from heartbreak of some kind? The switching of the text colors enhance your presentation and gives the emotion some extra charge. The poem is in need of a minor polish but besides the small imperfections, it is a fantastic read.
Well done and write on.

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110

#3139628

Review of Hello cNotes

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello Kristi

I offer you the following "Invalid Item"

review for "Hello cNotes"

What a great shop you have here. So many different ways to simply say hello to a special friend. All of the notes are warm, vibrant, uplifting and inviting. A great surprise for anyone to receive when they log on.

I love all of the notes you have to offer but there are a few which stand out the most to me simply because they are so gorgeous. They are: Notes 3, 6 and 8. Especially note 6, it is soooo cute!

This is a wonderful shop which offers high quality cNotes to all of the WDC community at a very affordable price.

Tip- I encourage you to rethink your classification selections. 'Other' simply does not seem to be enough description. Perhaps both friendship and community would be sufficent selections?.

Well done!

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111

#3139588

Review of The Gun

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

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review.

Initial impressions: I love the mystery and suspense you built up in this story. You led the reader to believe something sinister was going on all the way through until the end. A nice unexpected twist waited for the reader and I loved it!

Content: The content is direct and free of purple prose. The theme was great as was the plot you created. I like that you mislead me all the way through and I was thrilled with the outcome. It seems apparent that you have a particular talent for writing these stories.

Errors/inconsistencies: The following errors were found in your story:

Line 6- the needs to be they.

Line 10- be should be been.

Line 11- The needs to read as they.

Line 12- A question mark is required at the end of this line.

Line 15- re-arrange your and Rex. Rex should be featured first.

Suggestions for improvement: I encourage you to correct the errors noted above.

General comment: Your story is enjoyable with a deceiving plot but a wonderful outcome. It is well written minus the minor imprefections which can be easily corrected. It was a pleasure to review you.
Well done and write on.

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112

#3139549

Review of The Perfect Thanksgiving Feast

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Initial impressions: This story is based upon a character named Mark who is intent on cooking Thankgiving dinner for himself and his partner, although it has been known in the past he does not possess good culinary skills. I was very excited to see what disaster was going to take place as he unleashed himself in the kitchen.

Content: The story gets right to the point as you place the reader directly in amongst the problem at hand. It was funny watching Mark's partner's anxiety as she had no choice but to leave him in the kitchen unsupervised. Imagine what would have been going through her mind during the day? LOL

Errors/inconsistencies: There are no visible errors in your item nor are there any inconsistencies.

Suggestions for improvement: Suggestions for improvement are not required.

General comment: Your story was light hearted and expressed in a clear manner. You portrayed your Mark character very well as he was interesting although lethal in the kitchen HA! I liked the outcome. Although bursting with determination, his mission to cook the perfect Thankgiving dinner failed miserably but he made up for it and didn't burn down the house in the process.
Well done and write on.

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113

#3139205

Review of RETREAT

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello Joy

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review.

Initial impressions: Your poem is centered on a person who continues to face hurt and misery at every which way they turn. This person has every reason to be feeling bitter and yet they do not. The hurt they are feeling is so intense and encompassing that they have chosen to retreat into themselves and suffer in silence. I found I was able to relate and connect with your poem and as such I thought it was very powerful as it speaks in volumes.

Content: The rhyme featured in the poem is direct and does not stray from this pattern. From this perspective there are no bumps along the way. The emotional elements are rich and provoking. You leave no room for mis-interpretation of what this person is feeling.

Errors/inconsistencies: There are no visible errors in your item but there is an issue with your capitalization. Every beginning letter in each line has been capitalized and this is not required.

Suggestions for improvement: The flow of the item is not as graceful as it could be and I feel this is attributed to the timing of some of the lines as some are much larger than others. Perhaps a meter would help to clear this up and set the flow back on track?.

General comment: I like this poem very much because it spoke to me on a personal level.
The following lines were absolutely fantastically written:

Betrayed by the wind, the moist earth,
splashing, searching, seeking rebirth.

There is a very graphic visual offered in those lines and they were the highlight for me.

Well done and write on.

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114

#3139196

Review of The Palm-Reader Says

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hello Joy

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review.

Initial impressions: Your Poem is deep and meaningful and I like that you have expressed that we all have the option of making our own decisions. Yes, the fortune teller is 'reading' what she is seeing on the surface which many of us have the ability to do if we tune into our deeper perception but the fortune teller can never understand nor correctly interpret what lies beneath. That is for you and you alone.

Content: Your poem has a strong theme with a powerful moral. I enjoyed the detailed description you have put into each individual line written and delivered to us. The 'voice' of narration is booming and demands attention. This is a poem which reaches out and doesn't let go.

Errors/inconsistencies: There are no visible errors or inconsistencies present in your item.

Suggestions for improvement: Suggestions for improvement are not required.

General comment: This is a poem which plays on the mind of the reader once the item has ended.
It is gripping, haunting and speaks with an honest and sincere voice. I thoroughly enjoyed reviewing it.
Well done and write on.

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115

#3138446

Review of My Toddler Days

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello ShiShad

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review.

Initial impressions: Your poem is based upon the first time you received a spanking and the reason why. I couldn't help but laugh at your reaction to the toy not working. Children deal with things in such amusing and often mischievious ways but this is something which all parents must brace themselves for. Some of the little quips my own children have come out with make your slip up look golden. I didn't spank my children upon these instances as there was no need. They are more terrified of tasting soap in their mouths LOL

Content: The pattern present in the poem is working well to enhance each individual section. I liked the dreamy tone of narration weaving in and out of each stanza as you recall this event. The sprinkling of questions in the poem was a creative way to ensure the reader becomes 'active' within the content as it encourages them to seek answers of their own.

Errors/inconsistencies: There are no visible errors present in your item.

Suggestions for improvement: The flow in the second and third stanza is not as graceful as the others but a bit wooden. I encourage you to try and loosen it up a bit.

General comment: This is a well written poem which not only rekindled some memories of my own to the surface but also made me giggle. (While the children were not present of course LOL).
Good job!

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116

#3138285

Review of Fire to Ashes

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hello Joy

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review.

Initial impressions: This story was a tricky one to read first time round because there was so much to take in but after reading it a second time, it all came together quite nicely. It was an interesting piece to read as the main character was experiencing so many different thoughts and emotions at once. You manipulate the reader into thinking his gullibility led him down a path of betrayal but this is not the case as we find out at the end you had entirely different intentions for the finale. When I read it I felt like the man who believed himself to have been tricked! LOL

Content: The story is well written and I love the whole folklore feeling in the tone of narration. It was creative, intriguing and very deceptive. I liked that you were able to fool me.

Errors/inconsistencies: There are no visible errors in your item nor are there any inconsistencies present.

Suggestions for improvement: Suggestions for improvement are not required.

General comment: Great story with an unexpected but pleasant twist. I enjoyed watching his racing mind churning with a torrent of different thoughts as he was led on this astral travel of sorts.
Well done and write on.

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117

#3137503

Review of Lost Ring of Keys

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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critique.

Initial impressions: Ally, the babysitter is having difficulties in attempting to soothe the upset child she is minding and calls upon her friend, Sarah, for some help with the predicament. Taking the title into account and the fact that you made reference to Tyler's heaviness in weight, you led me to believe this was a medical emergency because the baby had swallowed the keys but I was surprised to find out this was not the case.

Content: You story progresses along smoothly and at a relatively medium pace. You create a good sense of mystery in the item and the outcome is unexpected. I liked that it did not have a horrific ending but a comical finale.

Errors/inconsistencies: I found only two errors in the content:
Line 18- Remove the word 'at' on this line featured before 'Ally'.

Line 29- on needs to read as of.

Suggestions for improvement: Noted above.

General comment: This was a light-hearted story with an unexpected outcome. It was well written and I feel you tackled the theme of writing about a set of lost keys very well.
Good job and write on.

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118

#3137480

Review of My Love Affair with Mr. Coffee (r)

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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critique.

Initial impressions: I thought this was a very creative story which shows all viewers how reliant some of us are upon our coffee machines, in a quirky way of course. I personally have never had a conversation with my coffee maker lol but I am guilty of roughing it up a bit when it decides to have a mind of its own.

Content: Majority of the content is based upon a conversation occuring between the main character and the coffee machine. The mechanism has decided to take it upon itself to show this character that it does not appreciate being taken for granted. I liked the concept because it really is sincere. Many of us would be walking, talking zombies without our morning caffeine hit and when our machines decide not to work for us, there is a strange sense of mourning. Not always for the coffee maker but more for the coffee we have yet to receive.

Errors/inconsistencies: I noticed the following errors in the content:
Line 1- when should be went.

Line 6- 'for me' needs to read as 'for my'.

Suggetions for improvement: My only suggestion for improvement is to correct the imperfections noted above.

General comment: This was a very enjoyable story and I especially liked the creativity of the piece. It was fresh and inviting and had a funny moral fused into it. It makes one ponder what our own coffee machines would say to us if they could talk.

Well done and write on.

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119

#3137026

Review of Twisted Perception

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello Kristi

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critique.

Initial impressions: Your poem is short and to the point but very meaningful. Your poem has a strong meaning and theme and the incorporation of the image of the twisted oak tree helped to enhance the essential visual of 'twisted perceptions' for the reader.

Content: I love the pattern in this poem. I feel it made the overall quality of the item soar and in all honesty I cannot imagine any other format working as well for this piece. It also looks great from a presentation point of view and created a crisp flow within the poem. The last line of the poem creates a sense of finality which gave me shivers. I loved it.

Errors/inconsistencies: There are no visible errors in your item but there is some inconsistency with your tenses. I think if you were to consider altering 'form' on the 1st line to 'forming' and 'forge' on the 7th line to 'forging' this would create a steadier flow and keep in tune with the rest of the expression of the item.

Suggestions for improvement: Suggestions for improvement have been noted above.

General comment: It is an infectious read which drew me in and kept a firm grasp on my attention from the beginning to the end. The format is sensational and your rhyme is flawless. There is nothing about this poem that I do not like.

Well done and write on.

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120

#3136982

Review of Brian's Night Flight

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello ShiShad

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critique.

Initial impressions: Your story is based upon the character of a young boy named Brian who is special in more ways than one. His abilities are revealed to us through the progression of the story and one can only say that they are quite remarkable. I feel you have tapped into a theme which could be very fun and interesting to use, if you were to decide to expand upon it.

Content: I liked the supernatural basis for the story but I feel there was a case of too much telling and not enough showing. There were also some repetitions in the story which caused some distraction for me such as the word 'special' in the first paragraph and the constant reference to 'me' in the second paragraph. These repetitions caused too many pauses in the natural flow of the item and functioned like brakes.

Errors/inconsistencies: There are no visible errors in your item.

Suggestions for improvement: My only suggestions for improvement are to look over some of the things I pointed out in the 'Content' section and see if there are ways to improve upon. I will also encourage you to consider going into greater detail as to Brian's identity.

General comment: In general I liked the story and just feel it is lacking some punch. I do however, feel that the overall concept is great and it is something I would definitely like to see a part 2 created for if you feel this is appropriate. His amazing ability leaves room for the unimaginable and I feel you could make some fantastic adventures out of this story.
Wll done and write on.

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121

#3136969

Review of Wish You Were here

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello ShiShad

I am here to offer you a "Invalid Item"

review.

Initial impressions: Upon reading the description I had absolutely no idea that I was going to be met with a poem of such magnitude. Your item does not state if this is fiction or non-fiction and in all honesty it really makes no difference other than to appease the curiosity of the viewer because it is a beautifully written poem either way.

Content: The content is profound and moving and pulled on my heart strings with ease. The incorporation of the picture only served to enhance the finality of the item and what 'Chris' has been taken away from. I am not an avid spiritual person but I do like to believe that our loved ones watch over us when they pass and if this is true, as I hope it to be, then a small comfort can be taken in the fact that Chris is not missing out on anything as he is able to watch it all for himself.

Errors/inconsistencies: There are no errors nor are there any inconsistencies within the piece.

Suggestions for improvement: I have no suggestions for improvement as I feel this cannot be improved upon.

General comment: This is a beautifully written poem with some very potent, emotional elements fused into it. A beautiful rhyme is featured in the content which created a very serene melody in which the viewer could be swept up by. I feel this item is an example of poetry at its best.
Well done and write on.

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122

#3136960

Review of Yellow

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello ShiShad

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critique:

Initial impressions: The description of the item intrigued me. My curiosity was piqued simply because I wanted to see what you were able to come up with in describing a color without actually making direct reference to it and only being able to do this in six lines made it sound even more challenging. I was surprised and delighted to see that not only was your poem a success but you also incorporated rhyme into it as well. I found that to be even more creative!

Content: The rhyme is the highlight for me because I feel it is of good quality. All the rhyme featured is direct and I especially liked that you refrained from using typical and simplistic words to achieve this. You did a great job. Your descriptive wordplay is vivid and you bring this particular environment to life. It is very idyllic and harmonious and I felt a sense of tranquility wash over me as I read it. It was very nice.

Errors/inconsistencies: There are no visible grammatical errors or inconsistencies within the piece but there are two minor punctuation errors which I encourage you to correct.

The first letters of the beginning words on lines 4 and 6 do not require capitalization.

Suggestions for improvement: My only suggestion for improvement is to fuse the item with some further indirect references to this shade of color to make it burst with shades of honey and gold. I feel this would make your item more radiant from a visual perspective.

General comment: This is a very pretty poem with plenty of visuals to keep your reader immersed in the content. It has a soft and feminine tone of narration and the pace was very slow and lulling. I enjoyed reading it.
Well done and write on.

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123

#3136267

Review of True Nature

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hello ragefire2000
I am here to offer you a "Invalid Item"

critique:

Initial impressions:Wow, very rarely am I effected so severely by a story or Poem I review. This was a very different experience for me. The coldness and nonchalance of the main character was chilling to say the least. There was no display of remorse or emotional regret of any kind which was alarming but very effective in this sinister little story.

The psychological elements in your story are detailed and potent and I had no chance whatsoever of diverting my attention anywhere else but to the screen. What a great story teller you are!

Content: The content is dark, sinister and extremely sadistic. The main characters actions were so malicious that your story did not require the usual intricate description of gore associated with these stories. You got your point across crystal clear without it.

I think the part which affected me the most was the incorporation of the twin girls. I am a mother of twin boys and upon imagining this happening to my own family it was very distressing. I can say with complete honesty that I felt utter and complete hatred for this main character and when I realized this, I knew I was reading something exceptional.

I will not go into too much detail about the twist as I do not wish to ruin it for others but I will say it was fantastic and I did not see it coming! Watching the sister's action and reactions as she visited with her sibling mortified me and I felt a huge desire to beat some commonsense into her. LOL I kept thinking...how could she be taking this so well?. I even considered that she was suffering from a form of mental illness due to what had happened to her but then BANG, the twist unfolded and it all made perfect sense. I almost suffered whiplash from how quickly you directed the hate I was feeling onto another character. IT ROCKED!

Errors/inconsistencies: Lines 3 and 4 feature a heavy repetition of the word 'me'. I suggest trying to trim this out completely.

I also happened to notice that you have missed a few small forming words here and there in the content. I encourage you to read over your item again to insert them so these sections form properly.

Suggestions for improvement: Suggestions for improvement have been noted above. All corrections needed are minor alterations.

General comment: Although the content is not altogether perfect I think I would be insane not to rate this at a 5.0. A writer is constantly striving to have some sort of impact upon their viewers. The writers audience are nothing more than marionettes being manipulated by the puppeteer and let me tell you, that is exactly what you did to me in your story! I was nothing more than a puppet being led around by you. It was absolutely fantastic and I am genuinely thrilled I was led to this item. Thank you for an amazing experience and write on.

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124

#3135368

Review of the reason

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: 13+

| (2.5)

Hello kaeleigh

I'm here to offer you a "Invalid Item"

critique:

Initial impressions: I found this poem to be fascinating. It is uniquely unhinged and the dark turn it takes is exactly the style of writing I am drawn to. I was a little disappointed with the fact that your item was so short in length because I feel this severly hindered the overall, substance of the poem. If you were to open it up further this would allow you more room to develop stronger elements within the piece.

Content: The content is very flippant as it is a mere scratch upon the surface. Too many important questions remain unanswered. Why do you feel this way? Which particular emotions are ignited when this person is in your presence and more importantly, who IS the object of your affection? All of these are small examples of what your viewers would be expecting to be revealed when reading your item. There needs to be some form of enlightenment for the viewer to take away with them when they have finished reading your poem.

Errors/inconsistencies: There are no visible grammatical errors but there are issues with your punctuation and capitalization. The first letter of the beginning word in the item requires capitalization as it is your starting point.

Line 6- Capitalize the 'i' in 'i'd'.

Suggestions for improvement: First and foremost, this format is not doing your poem any favors whatsoever, infact it is a huge hinderance to the piece. Divisions are appearing in the structure at critical points which is severing any flow or rhythm you may have otherwise achieved. A momentum is created and the minute the viewer is able to find a pattern, it is ripped out from beneath us. This is something I strongly encourage you to correct.

Why are the last three lines closed in by brackets? There is no need for this and it does nothing more than cause a further distraction and make your presentation look sloppy.

I suggest removing [girl] flesh and using a more creative way to show your reader this is coming from a female point of view.

The item is in need of a sprinkling of punctuation for strength and navigation.

General comment: I think you have tapped into a very dark and morbid chain of thought which is extremely interesting. I like where you were going with this but feel you did not make it to the finish line. If you were to consider making some alterations and enhancements to the item I think it will be a dark little treasure to be proud of. I wish you the best of luck and encourage you to continue writing.

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125

#3135307

Review of Almost Eighteen

Review by Gothic Angel gone

In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

I am here to give you a "Invalid Item"

review.
I offer you the following critique:

Initial impressions: This is a couplet poem which takes a look at two contrasting atmospheres. The item begins in a carefree way, happiness and contentment is displayed but this merriment is shattered and pulverised as the item progresses. It was interesting to watch the twist this item takes, unfolding.

Content: I love writing to the couplet format. I feel this template provides the writer with plenty of room to ensure strong sections through out and powerful rhyme development. Your poem is presented in a neat and tidy manner compliments of the format you have used. I enjoyed the fast pace your item has. It kept me intrigued.

Errors/inconsistencies: There are no visible grammatical errors but there are some inconsistencies in relation to your punctuation.

Suggestions for improvement: I encourage you to take a second look at the rhyme you have used. The rhyme is very simplistic and would benefit if you were to stretch your abilities by implementing rhymes of significance. The item features both direct and indirect rhyme and I feel your poem would improve in leaps and bounds if you were to settle upon just one form of rhyme to use.

General comment: As previously stated, I liked the contrasts nestled within the poem. I was very interested to see where the finale would take me. It is an item in need of some added strength but for the most part, it has been well written. I would recommend it to others.

Well done and write on.

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