I love this Poem! I like that it is very misleading and manipulates the reader into thinking this is an erotic piece of writing when you are in fact referring to sunburn. It was very creative and clever to do.
You have used an abundance of descriptive words to enable the viewer to conjure a visual. I was delivered a sensation of heat as you continually pointed out descriptions which refer to this temperature. I also liked the color you fused into the item. Reds and pinks enhanced the warm/hot expressions you were portraying.
My only suggestion for improvement is to punctuate the item. Without the punctuation the item takes on an appearance of being unfinished.
Please know all suggestions and comments are offered in the spirit of helping to improve your writing. By no means must you agree with me nor should you take onboard any suggestions which you feel are not a perfect fit for you and the item.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
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Please stop by and check out this new contest: "Invalid Item"
Hello Jini
I am stopping by to review you on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
I found your Poem to be very intriguing to read. You make it very clear from the beginning that the main character is being held captive by this person but it seems the character almost enjoys their entrapment. As the Poem progresses we come to realize the slave in fact is not content with their situation and wishes above all else to break free and be an independent person. This was a nice twist in perspective.
The hatred and malice being felt by both the slave and the master is potent and interesting to watch unfold. The pair of them seem to be locked in a game of cat and mouse where they are both playing for power and authority.
There are a few small bumps in the road in your item which I feel interfere with the overall quality of the Poem. Through out the content of the Poem you have used both direct and indirect rhyme whilst sporadically shifting to no rhyme at all. There is no consistent pattern or timing with their use and I feel if you were to choose just one pattern and see it through to the end your item would greatly benefit.
I also suggest you consider trimming down some of the larger lines within the Poem. This would establish a consistent flow and also tidy up the overall presentation.
All comments and suggestions are offered in the spirit of helping to improve your writing. By no means must you agree with me nor should you take onboard any suggestions which you feel are not a perfect fit for you and the item.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
I enjoyed reading this Poem because it is deep and meaningful. From an emotional viewpoint your Poem is bursting at the seams. There is a melancholy weaved through the words which is visible. The sadness and loneliness being expressed in the first stages of the Poem is profound and I found it to be moving.
I have a few suggestions for you to help enhance the quality of your item but please know: All comments and suggestions are offered in the spirit of helping you to improve your writing. By no means must you agree with me nor should you take onboard anything which you feel is not a perfect fit for you and the item.
1. Punctuation: Your item is in need of punctuation to create a consistent flow and steady rhythm.
This is entirely the Author's decision to make but I do encourage you to incorporate it to strengthen your item.
2. Repetition: You make reference to 'in her mind' quite regularly in your item. It is established from the onset that we are being delivered her thoughts and feelings so I suggest removing the multiple repeptitions to sever any distractions.
3. Errors: Line 6- Remove the 's' in whats. 'its' should read as 'it's' because you are refering to 'it is'.
Line 15- Insert another 'l' in peacefuly. It should read as peacefully.
Line 16- finaly also requires another l to read as finally.
In general I enjoyed reading your Poem. I liked the message and the brooding tone within the Poem. All emotional aspects were strong and remained consistent from start to finish.
I hope my review has been of some help to you.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
For the most part I love this story! It is rich in detail and imagery and the seediness of the content is enthralling. As a dark writer myself, I am always excited when reading items of this nature. The story itself reminded me of a movie I once watched featuring Ashley Judd as the leading lady. It had the same bug theme.
I have a few suggestions for improvement but please know that all comments and suggestions are offered in the sprit of helping to improve your writing. By no means must you agree with me nor should you take onboard any suggestions which you feel are not a perfect fit for you and the item.
Viewpoint: There is an issue with the perspective in which you are telling this story. In the beginning we see things through Jamie's eyes but as the story progresses this view point changes from Jamie's to third point narration and continues to switch back and forth. I personally believe your story is more effective coming directly from Jamie's point of view but whichever view point you choose to use just be sure you keep it strong by staying with it through the entire story.
Purple Prose}: There are many areas in your story where words of no relevance or importance have been introduced. This causes the story's length to increase but not in a positive light. Remove any and all words which have no significance in the content, even the small ones.
Conclusion: The conclusion is not very satisfactory. Too many loose ends are not tied off and too many questions remain unanswered. For instance: Is Jamie actually mentally ill or is she telling the truth and afflicted with something no one else can see? When did this begin and how long has it been going on for? These are just a few examples of small but important questions which the reader needs answered for your ending to feel satisfactory.
Tip- A deeper connection would be established if you were to give Jamie an identity. We have no information as to her appearance or personality, therefore we cannot identify with her.
Thanks for an intriguing and gruesome read. I hope my review is of some help to you.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
As a Bipolar sufferer myself, I was able to identify and relate to the emotions you are expressing in this Poem. The unfulfillment of promises is crushing, devastating and hard to deal with on any level but when suffering from this condition it makes people more emotional than others and inflicts all sufferers in an entirely different way.
Your Poem is emotional, potent and delivered to the reader in a crystal clear manner.
I could find no visible grammatical errors.
I have one small suggestion for improvement but please know: All comments and suggestions are offered in the spirit of helping you to improve your writing. By no means must you agree with me nor should you take onboard any suggestions which you feel are not a perfect fit for you and the item.
I feel the format is holding the Poem back. It is not flattering or enhancing at all. Some of the most pivotal points of the Poem where the reader is beginning to be drawn into the item end abruptly to continue on the next line. This causes serious distraction and should be erradicated as much as possible. Again, this is only my opinion and you do not have to agree with me.
Thank you for sharing this Poem with all of us here at WDC.
It was a pleasure to review you.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
The conflict and inner turmoil Niema is experiencing is intense. It is a battle many of us can relate to but from a different perspective, other than a violin. Self-doubt is an infectious disease which afflicts many of us at one time or another. It can shatter the dream of anyone if we allow it to take hold as Niema did. I am thrilled she was able to overcome this setback.
I enjoyed reading the thoughts she was experiencing and I especially liked that her own thoughts served to tell us most of the story. This was a very clever way of ensuring the full story was told without the item becoming too lengthy.
There were some errors which I will point out to you as follows but please keep in mind that all comments and suggestions are offered to you in the spirit of helping you to improve your writing. By no means must you agree with me nor should you take onboard any suggestions which you feel are not a perfect fit for you and the item.
Line 2- Drop the 3rd reference to 'the'.
Line 5- Insert the word 'a' between was and sign.
Line 14- Insert the word 'the' between 'to' and 'back'.
Line 15- clothes should read as cloths.
Line 18- it's should read as its because you are not making reference to 'it is'.
Line 25- Is not forming properly. You may want to take another look and see how you can smooth it out.
Line 29- 'had' should be replace with were.
Line 32- 'it's' should read as its. Again, you are not making reference to 'it is'.
Line 37- Reverse the positions of blaring and horn. The line will read smooher.
Line 47- 'its' needs to read as it's. In this case you are refering to 'it is'.
Line 53- Requires a question mark at the end of her question.
Line 57- Drop the 'd' from tumbled.
Line 60- 'it's' should read as its as you are not making reference to it is.
Line 62- Add an 'e' to the end of breath so it reads as breathe.
The ending was awesome. I loved the Niema was able to summon that confidence and belief in herself to answer yes and mean it. It was inspirational.
I hope my review is of some help.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
I am a huge fan of stories with the central theme of 'Be careful what you wish for'. I also write these quite often but not many of them make it to my port. LOL. It is a theme in which there are no limitations, no hinderances, and the writer may allow their imaginations to soar like never before because there are no rules. I also enjoy watching the irony unfold as we watch their dreams turn into something sinister.
I enjoyed that the ending took me by surprise. I was not expecting it at all because you distracted me with other events at the beginning. I thought perhaps Marcus would be beaten by Monteverdi and his sidekicks, perhaps it was not authentic and he wasted all of that money, It would be damaged somehow and therefore would hold no value...these are just a few things which entered my mind while I was reading. As you can see none of them were right and I loved that I was taken by surprise!
I did happen to notice a few small errors which I will point out to you as follows:
Line 3- Question mark after the word 'start'.
Line 14- Question mark required at the end of Monteverdi's question to Marcus.
Line 29- Insert the word 'to' in between not and shout.
It was an enjoyable read. You peaked the end very well and the finale was satisfactory. I would love to see a part 2 to this item. *tumbsup*
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
Hello Maryann
I am here to give you the last folder review for your "Invalid Item" package.
This folder was chosen for review by narnia3.
This looks like an interesting folder and one which I will be taking a closer look at.
The description states that this is where all of your best short stories are housed. Again, I like the fact that the moment I click onto something I am navigated by the descriptions, to what you feel are items we will all enjoy. I like that I do not feel the need to wander aimlessly around looking for something.
Tip- The item you have featured in the introduction is coming up as an invalid item. You may want to check this out.
It was a pleasure to review your folder and I look forward to peeking through it further.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
Hello Maryann
I am here to give you a "Invalid Item" review. This is the first of two folder reviews you will receive from me as specified by narnia3.
I like that this is a one stop avenue to view all of the items that you deem as your best products.
It makes it very easy for the viewer to find something they would like to read because the folder is structured and items are placed in an orderly fashion. I also like the fact that if these are the items you feel the most proud of then I know my review will be appreciated because you 'want' reviews made in this folder.
You have a large selection of many diferent writings, cNote shops, groups and activities. You pretty much ensured that you have catered to everyones personal tastes all at one time.
After looking through this folder and seeing how meticulously it has been presented I am very much looking forward to reviewing your writing as I am sure it will be presented with the same quality of effort.
Well done Maryann. Awesome folder!
Write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
I can quite honestly say I have never read an 'Ocean' theme like this before. LOL
I enjoyed the concept and once I read it I wondered why this theme had not been used before because it makes perfect sense. I esepcially enjoyed how you put a sinister spin on something so calming and relaxing. It made your item unique and out of the ordinary.
A good amount of imagery has been fused into the item. There is always room for more but if you decided not to incorporate it, I don't think the item would suffer in any way.
There is only one area where I feel this item requires some alteration and this on the last line of the second stanza.
'Forever ebbing against me in unforgiving.'
Unforgiving what? This section needs to be tied off.
It was an enjoyable read and I found it to be extremely refreshing because it's different.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
I like the simplicity of your Poem. It's fun and quirky and yet beneath the surface, phone or even technology addiction in general is a very real issue which strikes over half of the population. I enjoyed that you tackled this subject in a light-hearted manner and found a balance where the theme is addressed but in a nonsensical tone.
The rhyme is all direct and consistent through out the entire item however I do suggest that you take a closer and more in depth look at the wordplay you have used. Some of the longer lines can be made more compact if you re-think your word choices.
All comments and suggestions are offered to you in the spirit of helping you to improve your writing. By no means must you agree with me nor should you take onboard any suggestions that you feel do not fit you and your item perfectly.
There are no visible errors detected.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
Hello Joy
I am stopping by to give you a "Invalid Item" review.
I enjoyed reading this item. I found it to be soothing and relaxing.
I love the description you fused into this item. It enticed me to become more involved in the content. From the images you have featured on the page the reader is made aware that a great deal of care and craftsmanship has gone into making this item fantastic.
There are no visible errors and I can find no sections in your Poem which I feel are in need of alteration. It's great as it is.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
Hello Fyn
I am stopping by to give you a "Invalid Item" review.
What a beautiful winter Poem. The splendid detail you have captured and placed into this short but potent item is fantastic. I have read many Poems based upon the winter season and whilst some of them have been sensational, they have never gone into such depth in an attempt to deliver such a rich and crystal clear winter canvas to the reader.
I especially liked that you chose to write this in a blue font. It places extra emphasis upon the theme and manipulates a chill from the reader as they view it. I enjoyed the format to which it has been written. I feel it compliments the overall content and enhances the quality.
There are no visible errors and I have no suggestions for improvement. Shhesh, I wish I could find one small problem with something you have written so I feel helpful LOL
I wonder how a summer based item would turn out? That would be something I would love to read as a comparison to this.
A pleasure as always.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
Your description for this item creates a source of mystery and also a challenge. You challenge the reader to make the right interpretation as to the authenticity of your item and I thought this was a very clever way of making sure each and every reader is paying attention to every single word in this story.
The story is interesting, sad, uplifting and hopeful. It is beautifully composed and narrated to the reader in such a way where it feels you have transported me to the top of a cloud and placed me into a world of my own. It has so much grandeur and beauty and I sincerely hope that something this beautiful can in fact be authentic and true to its word.
I am obsessed with pendulums and reading of your love for the colorful rainbow prisms made me feel as though we shared a common connection and appreciation for their mystical qualities. When you speak of the prism which started you off on your journey of seeing peoples auras you spoke with a true appreciation and thankfulness for the happiness and or perhaps escape from reality it brought to you. When your ex smased it into pieces I truly felt as though my heart would break along with it for you because right from the onset you made the reader aware of how special this was to you.
Reading this item was like sharing a seat with you on a rollercoaster as you took us through some of the high and low points of your life. All of the items I have reviewed of yours so far have all shown an exceptional talent for wordplay and balance. This item is no exception and only enhanced an immaculately written story.
I personally have never been a person who has seen the color of someones aura but my Aunty on my father's side is able to and has done so since she was a small child. If, in fact your story is true, and I make no guess, and you were able to heal someone then your abilities run much deeper than my aunty's.
I walk into your items with a very high expectation based on what I have seen come from you so far and yet, you always manage to amaze me, no scratch that, you blow me away! Thank you for such a refreshing, invigorating and exciting reading experience.
There are no visible errors and I have no suggestions for improvement. It is perfect the way it is.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
Hello Jace,
I am here to give you yet another "Invalid Item" review.
The first thing I would like to say is thank goodness you incorporated some information notes at the beginning of your item explaining how this Poetic form works. This is a form I am unfamiliar with and without the added information I would not have been able to review it. Thanks for introducing me to something different!
Taking a close look at your Poem and following the forms guidelines which you highlighted, it is easy to see that you have followed the rules down to a 'T'. I can find no error within your item which strays from how this form is to be tackled.
I enjoyed the overall content. Memories are very powerful tools for so many reasons and we are shown an excellent example of why this is so. Through recollection you are able to remember some important and happy times which involve you and your family. It is such a blessing to have so many fond memories to keep you positive.
Thank you for an enjoyable read and congratulations on penning yet another great Poem.
Write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
Hiya Jace,
I am stopping by to give you a "Invalid Item" review.
I am so glad I chose to read this Poem. One word sums it up completely for me and that word is 'precious'. Your Poem is moving and beautifully composed. I love that you have not gone all out and attempted to do a 'Romeo and Juliet, undying love' theme. You have kept it simple in expressing that you simply notice her (your wife) and I feel this is absolutely stunning. It is the little things which have more power than others.
Some people spend an entire lifetime searching for one person they truly notice, that one person who has the ability to capture their whole attention and never let it go and through your Poem your readers are made aware that you have in fact found that person. It was so romantic!
What surprises me the most is that it had the ability to move me. I confess that I am not a romantic and there is a very real possibility that no one will ever see a romance item penned by me because I tend to shy from this theme, however I do enjoy reading how it makes others feel and the impact it has upon them and this is what I would call something special.
There is absolutely no suggestions I would make for alteration. You say what needs to be said and nothing more and I feel this is potent enough to make reviewers 'notice' it as is.
I am sure your wife was thrilled to read it. You will have to let me know.
Well done. It was a pleasure to review this outstanding write.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
I am stopping by to give you a "Invalid Item" review.
In my opinion this item is a masterpiece. I must admit that although this item has been written for children I found myself enjoying it just as much as I'm sure they would.
It had a Dr Seuss tone to it, largely due to the consistent rhyme and I loved everything about it! The rhyme was solid from the beginning to the end. At no point did it falter or lose momentum in any way.
The content was kept simplistic which is what is expected when dealing with the children genre. It was interesting, vibrant and I enjoyed the story within it. A world without color would be such a sad existence. We rely on color more than we know and I loved that you encouraged children to appreciate this. A lesson learned and hopefully not forgotten by your readers.
I found only one typo and this occurs on the final line of the item. You have written colours instead of colors. Whilst colours is the correct spelling for this word in my own country I have pointed this out merely because you have opted to spell it the other way through out the rest of the Poem.
All comments and suggestions are offered in the spirit of helping you to improve your writing. By no means must you agree with me nor should you take any suggestions onboard that you feel are not a perfect fit for you and your item.
I love this piece exactly the way it is and feel extemely content and satisfied by what I have read. I will most definitely be passing this on to my eldest child to read. He will love it!
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
I have decided to review your item: "On Gray" today and I am thrilled I chose to do so.
You really have gone above and beyond to create a colorful canvas of emotions for the reader to be swept up by. I was literally mesmerised by the portrait you created and delivered directly to me and I feel although this Poem is based upon negative emotions, you have expressed them to the reader with a unique grace and elegance.
Your wordplay is simple and I feel this enhances the connection forged between the item and the reviewer. It was extremely effortless to understand and grasp the meaning within the item simply because it was written in a crystal clear manner. This is most certainly a potent item which you should be proud of.
My only suggestion to you is to place some further emphasis upon your punctuation, especially your capitalization. I noticed immediately that the first letter of the first word was not capitalized as it should be and if this was highlighted to me from the onset then I am sure there are others who would also notice. I feel punctuation is needed to strengthen and steady the overall flow of the piece and although the lack of it does not cause any immediate hinderance it would certainly benefit the item if you were to consider adding it.
All comments and suggestions are offered in the spirit of helping you to improve your writing. By no means must you agree with me nor must you take onboard anything which you feel is not a perfect fit for you and your item.
It was a pleasure to review you. Great wordplay, excellent imagery, potent emotion and outstanding title.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
I sincerely enjoyed the journey in which this item led me through. The reader was made to climb Winston's Hill with you and hold hope in their heart that it would in fact be 'your' day.
The beginning of the item had a small note of melancholy within it but as the item unfolded this note quickly turned to one of expectation.
You have included some descriptive wordplay in your item which I believe encourages the reader to lose themself in the portrait you have created. It most certainly worked on me.
I was not overly fond of the format but that is only a personal preference and what does not work for me may work for others. However, it was simple to read and very easy to grasp the overall concept.
There are no visible errors in your item but I do suggest you sprinkle some punctuation through it to help steady the beat and central rhythm.
It was a pleasure to review your item.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
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Only a few days left to bid so be quick!!!
"Invalid Item"
Hello staiNed
I am stopping by to give you review 2 of 10 as part of your package from "Invalid Item" .
I seem to have stumbled into unfamiliar territory here. I can honestly say I have yet to read anything else of this theme,on site, to date LOL. Way to go for daring to do something different.
I like the small, yet important details given to the reader at the beginning of the Poem such as:
So wet without water,
So hot, yet cold.
This sets a very vivid, yet still tasteful scene for the reader right from the onset. We are clearly made aware of what we can expect will follow as we read on. The descriptions are vivid but not graphic. Room is left for the readers own interpretation.
I like how you chose to end it. The ending was there for the reader but we know it has not ended for the character.
There are no visible errors and I have no suggestions for improvement.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1527427 by Not Available.
Hello staiNed
I am stopping by to give you review 1 of 10 from "Invalid Item"
An Immortal Heart is a dark, fictional piece of writing which strokes the darkness within all who read it. You have the ability to write extremely dark and sometimes morbid items yet you express them with the same grace one would see in an item featuring a lighter subject. Your words are possessive and creep into the bloodstream of the reader.
There is some great wordplay shown in this item and a solid rhythm has been built up, although it is free of rhyme. I like the aggression within the content: Embrace the darkness, Walk with your heart, Take her...etc,etc. These are all commands in which you are the person who is making the orders.
My favorite section of this item is:
Take her in struggling ecstasy, rip her softness in two.
Sink rotten teeth; your fouled mouth into her flesh. Enjoy her~
This section conjures some strong and mildly sadistic visualizations to the mind.
There are no visible errors and I have no suggestions for improvement.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1527427 by Not Available.
November is an exquisitely written dedication to your mother with beautifully presented wordplay.
I enjoyed the deep emotion presented in the item and the love which radiated from it. It was breathtaking.
You have presented your memories, thoughts and feelings quite vividly to the reader and I felt myself completely overtaken by them. There is a subtle and lovely rhythmic pattern weaved through the item which caught my attention with ease. It is very noticeable but does not take over the item but rather enhances the overall quality.
There are no visible errors and I have no suggestions for improvement.
This was a fantastic write from the heart which should not be altered.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
Hello Michelle,
I am here to give you the final review in your "Invalid Item" package.
I was completely enthralled by the desperation within this item. It is such an importance for this man to love you that you desire for him to do so seems obsessive but in an innocent and romantic way.
The yearning the main character is experiencing is so potent that I could not help but hope that it is received.
The incorporation of many questions helped me to connect with the item. I found myself wondering if he will in fact love her and this began a chain of many other questions. You made me an active participant within the content.
I like that this character is not attempting to secure his affections with a disguise. She is putting her true self out there for him to see and wants her love to be returned sincerely. Her flaws or rather traits are not hidden and this is a love of purity.
There is nothing about this item that I would change. It reads perfectly the way it is.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
Hello Michelle,
I am stopping by to give you a "Invalid Item" review.
I love the amazing places in which your mind travels. I have come to notice that many of your latest items seem to follow a dream-like quality. You either must be in a good place or like the rest of us wish you were LOL.
You write this specific theme very well and I wonder if you even notice just how good you actually are at it? When I read your Poetry it always leaves me with the sense one gets when they are on a holiday. Relaxed and content and in general feeling at peace. You pull the reader into each of your items and transfer them right next to the character/characters.
Again, you have managed to create a busy canvas using only a minimal amount of words. I have no idea how you do it but you do it well. My favorite part of this Poem is the constant reference to 'I will'. You own this Poetry, you are the character we are watching and you made me feel like I stepped into your personal world not a creation of fantasy. Well done.
My only suggestion is to place a period at the end of line 7 and create a space between that line and the final one to enforce that much needed pause that will take the readers breath away when they read it.
Well done and write on.
You rock!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
I am a huge fan of the Acrostic format, among others, and reading your item ignited that love once again.
The Acrostic format is a fun and quirky form to use but unfortunately many of them are unsuccessful in terms of leaving the reader satisfied at the end.
This is not so with your item. It is very easy for the reader to see that a monumental effort has been put into making this a successful creation and I believe that is exactly what you have achieved. Success.
Creative and fresh wordplay has been used in the delivery and I thoroughly enjoyed the way you have set it out. It was a great show of craftsmanship on your behalf. I adore when it is clearly visible that a writer has gone out of their way to put in 110% effort into their creations.
I do not feel your item calls for suggestions for improvement and I did not stumble across any errors.
I am pleased to see it has been awarded.
Well done and write on.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1525013 by Not Available.
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That would be something I would love to read as a comparison to this.