Amethyst Angel🌊🌿🌞's (greenwillow) Reviews

Review Requests: ON

861 Public Reviews Given

861 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Casual, friendly. I'll point out typos when I see them and make suggestions about quality, characters and logic, besides telling you how I feel about the piece.

I'm good at...

Does it make sense? Are the characters well portrayed? What's the overall feel of the piece?

Favorite Genres

Poetry, children's, anything rated E

Least Favorite Genres

Anything higher than 18+

Favorite Item Types

Poems, flash fiction, essays, articles, biographical/personal, etc

I will not review...

NSFW

1

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#4766050

Review of The Dispose-all 5000

Review by

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Greetings and welcome to writing.com!

This was quite a wild ride through an imaginative and shocking experience. I was expecting the demise of poor Harry, dragged into the same monstrous machine he’d been using to procure his much desired “freedom.” It was a relief to find a happy ending, though I must point out that the complete 180 degree change in the wife’s demeanor is a bit too unrealistic. But in such a thoroughly “unrealistic” and classic story (the “Devil and Dan’l Webster,” “sign away your soul” archetype), the ending is exactly what we would like and appreciate, and as I look at it again it doesn’t seem so unreasonable because he does say “maybe I’m the one who changed…”

Harry’s character development is poignant and relatable and unnerving, as we see the typical “Everyman loser” with an unhappy marriage and every reason to wish for an escape, fall easy prey to Mr. Black and his wiles. It starts with the awful wife, who we can hardly bring ourselves to miss, but descends into the unfathomable depths of mass murder. But before Harry has a chance to carry out anything else…

I would suggest using Size 4 Verdana font to ensure an open and engaging reading experience, and your scene dividers should be centered. Also, the writing is just a wee bit sloppy, which adds to the authenticity of it as you’ll see in the next paragraph, but you can run it through Grammarly to see if there are any useful improvements suggested. You should standardize the spelling of the Dispose-All 500, as it seems to be spelled/punctuated/capitalized differently every time.

You probably haven’t noticed there’s been a conversation going around WdC lately about checking people’s writing to see if it’s been generated by AI rather than a human. I can usually tell by a person’s style whether it’s an AI story, but I checked yours anyway and it passed. Great job creating such a vivid and engaging tale.

Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing

"The WDC Angel Army"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4765526

Review of Project R.O.S.E. (NOVEL PREVIEW)

Review by

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Greetings,

I found this to be a gripping and vivid tale with tons of potential for adventure and character growth. The character of Rose as an innocent child unaware of her past and grave responsibilities is well crafted, and the action is swift and easy to follow. The trope of “giant monster creature invading the city” is old, of course, but you have given it a creative twist with the addition of robot warriors striving to keep it under control. I thought the use of flower names for the robots was an interesting touch, as well… I’d love to find out the acronym in future installments.

Now, your narrative flow could be improved somewhat… I’m only sharing what I’ve learned from Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

on this site; if you like you can join one of his writing groups for one-on-one advice and peer review. So, what I noticed is, you break into the opening sequence of events to tell us something about Rose’s history, which takes up two paragraphs before we return to the original scene at the mall. Showing is always preferred over telling, and if there was a way to incorporate this information into the scene more naturally, we wouldn’t be taken out of the moment for an info dump.

Then you also switch us over into the PoV of Chris, which could perhaps be delineated by asterisks on either side. And in fact, the main PoV doesn’t focus in on Rose as a limited third person, rather we get a more omniscient perspective, glancing briefly at the thoughts of both Lilly and Rose as they make their escape. There’s nothing wrong with this perspective per se, but it’s more compelling and engaging to try and show us what’s happening as Rose and only Rose sees and feels it.

I do love your premise and look forward to the next chapter. This is a great setup. Perhaps a third genre would be suitable, such as “Technology.”

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

"The WDC Angel Army"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4765037

Review of Do you like Writing.Com?

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Greetings!

Thank you for your patience as I plow through Red Case ports as the finale to this reviewing challenge I'm working on.

A simple question: Do you like WdC? To which my answer is always an enthusiastic "yes!" I can wax poetic for thousands of words about the people I've met, the friendships I've made, the progress of my writing skills, the feeling of satisfaction when completing a project, the rewards and Merit Badges and gifts and the sheer generosity of our close-knit community, the warm sense of belonging and so much more. I'm even using my portfolio on my resume as an example of the various responsibilities I've been entrusted with and the things I've accomplished.

I love the idea of a quick poll to see what people think about the site: of course, the vast majority of users love it... And the others hardly count

perhaps you should offer a note with the lower opinions, "let us know why in the review section!" Or a footnote at the bottom of the page saying "if you have any serious issues with site usability or anything else, let me know..."

Great idea here! I should create a few polls myself...

Take care, thank you one last time for all you do, and keep up the good work!

4

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#4765020

Review of Noticing Newbies

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Greetings!

What can I say? This is a wonderful, helpful idea to make this community a warm and welcoming place for everyone. I don't visit as often as I could, and perhaps when I do I'm not as helpful as I could be, but I admire the way others step in and offer guidance and help to Newbies.

You have the "rules of engagement" set out clearly at the top, and I love the list of activities you've included for us to get started with. My own path as a Newbie didn't take me here very often, as I seemed to be able to plunge headfirst into everything without much assistance (of course our enthusiastic moderator Schnujo's in Scotland

was a huge help in my first week or two...

)

I can't think of anything I'd like to suggest for improvement here... It's a fine forum that's been going strong for years. The font sizes and formatting are agreeable, and the genres and subtitle are informative.

Perhaps you should include a dropnote featuring some higher level/active members which the Newbies should be encouraged to make acquaintance with and fan. This would help them find their way around and meet the people who "hold the site together," so to speak.

Take care, thank you for everything you do around here, and keep up the good work!

5

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#4765012

Review of Technology

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Greetings!

Let me start off by saying how proud I am of all you've accomplished in real life. You're off to a great start, and don't let anything break your stride.

This is a nifty rhyming poem, playfully discussing the serious topic of technological advancements and the issue of human ingenuity. We are posed questions about how far we should go, and if all this advancing is getting just a bit too weird and out of control.

What does happen to all the people who may lose their secretarial type jobs to AI? What about content producers, those who write and create art? Is AI a meaningful substitute? Or is it utterly soulless? Does the amount of "soul" put into a project mean anything anymore? I like to look at the AI conundrum through the lens of music and songwriting; the way pop music is headed these days, would anyone know or care if AI composed the lyrics for us instead of people? A trade which has already lost its soul doesn't lose much by enlisting AI...

I feel as though your poem could be improved by adjusting the meter in several places, removing a word and rephrasing it here and there. It's generally recommended to read one's poetry aloud when writing. I would also recommend adding a third relevant genre, such as "Technology" or "Experience."

Other than that, it's an enjoyable item which raises important questions in a lighthearted manner.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4764907

Review of Custom Awardicon Frames

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Greetings!

Ooh, fancy awards! I love them! Twenty eight different sets of three, and they’re all lovingly custom designed for special projects. I can identify most of them: the No Dialogue contest, the “Valentine Sweethearts,” the Writer’s Cramp, etc. I can also recognize the ones created for private use, featuring classic cultural characters. Perhaps my favorite of all is the Claddagh set; I remember desperately wanting the matching Merit Badge and finally having an opportunity to acquire it through a community activity… I’ve just discovered you can’t share Merit Badges in reviews

Anyway, you have a neat and tidy arrangement here, including all the currently active awards that I know of. A question I’ve had since I began looking at and admiring various awards across the site and in the AwardIcon shop, is: what happens to commissioned custom awards when the sole owner and distributor of such, leaves the site? I’ve noticed several intriguing awards which no longer appear to have an owner, yet are still visible in the shop… though now that I look at the selection again, I find that I can no longer “zoom in on” and view a closeup and the attached group of an award which I cannot give out, which to me seems like a disappointing glitch. How is one to learn about all the fun groups around here in that nicely visual way?

In that respect, I would suggest adding the title and associated group information to each set of awards listed here on your item. That way we can look into each group and find new ways to connect with the community.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

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#4764878

Review of My Eulogy For Grandpa

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Greetings!

What a loving tribute to your grandfather, a man of many talents who loved a challenge. It shows us where your own spirit of dedication and fortitude comes from as it relates to your unwavering care for this site over so many years.

I enjoyed reading this eulogy and finding out a bit more about your backstory, upbringing and family ties. You were blessed to have grown up with such a kind and loving grandfather. It was fun reading about the extensive train village in his basement and the tangle of wires and how he enjoyed tinkering with everything. It sounds like he always had something to do to keep his mind engaged, and that’s a wonderful thing. A spirit of adventure and curiosity is what keeps us young at heart. I also marvel at his fascination with computer technology and his skill and knowledge in that field, which is admirable.

Now, you said you didn’t mind editing suggestions, so… Size 4 Verdana font, first of all. Then, I noticed a couple of misused words which pulled me out of focus: “styrofoam” not “styrophone” and “infantile” not “infinitile” (and also a more appropriate term in this context would be “in its infancy…”) Then, it might be nice to have a word count at the top or the subtitle to let us know what we’re in for… (did you know on mobile or tablets/iPads the word count estimate isn’t available when browsing? Sometimes if I do a long press I can see it pop up, but usually I end up bringing myself to the page instead. Just a thought…)

This was a beautiful piece to read, and I admire your vulnerability in sharing such a deeply personal item with us.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

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#4764783

Review of Read This; It's FREE!

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Greetings!

I couldn’t resist opening this up as I browsed your port, assuming it was one of your projects or experiments. I find it to be an impassioned essay on the multitude of free benefits which WdC provides to its members. As such, I heartily agree with all you have said. In the little over a year I’ve been here, I have not paid a single penny of “real” money for anything at all, yet I never felt restricted in any way by this. Your site is exactly what it should be: a place where we can post our work for free, receive free feedback, and store and edit such work until we have a portfolio we are proud of. Or if we choose we can simply sit back and enjoy reading the work of other people. None of this has a cost, and everything else is icing on the cake, and in large part the icing is free too!

To be more personal, the lesson I’ve learned is: WdC is as good as the effort one puts into it. When I first joined, all I wanted was a spot to post a story I’d written because it was the first fiction I wrote in ten years, and I needed “validation,” in the form of praise, criticism, whatever. I joined at the free level, assuming I would never have the desire for anything further, and two days later someone gave me an upgraded membership. I realized if I wanted to keep it, I'd have to "earn" it - so I've spent the last year making myself as useful as I possibly can and having a jolly good time!

You need to update this for the site's current status: free accounts get ten items in their ports, not just five, there's the RAOK Upgrade Brigade to help people maintain their upgraded memberships, the names of certain pages have changed (the Community link on our sidebars is where the important contest stuff is... Never heard of "item jumps" before

) and even one review per day gets you a reward of Gift Points. Plus certain authors set Auto Review Rewards, and one can participate in reviewing groups or celebrate other people's accounts with Anniversary Reviews... And I can't forget the super generous festivities which surround September! Oh yeah, if one hangs out on Scroll long enough the games there are quite helpful, too.

And after participating in elevenish Official WdC Contests and multitudes of others, I can say I've never seen one which charges any amount to join... Oh wait, I forgot one needs a paid membership to join the Official contests. I received mine so quickly I never even noticed.

Wait, you also need to increase the font size from default... I highly recommend Size 4 Verdana; other members tease me about it, but it provides an open and engaging reading experience across devices.

Ok, I've taken up enough of your time. I will never complain about this place - it's free enough for me, and I'm the ultimate cheapskate

Take care, thank you very much for all your hard work, and rest assured it doesn't go unappreciated!

9

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#4764670

Review of Rx: Laughter

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Greetings!

An amusing and heartwarming reminder about the power of humor and positivity to uplift us. We see how your mom achieved healing and improved her chances for remission by cultivating a healthy outlook on like and indulging in as many laughs as possible. You write with clear and concrete details, from warning us about the horrors of inhaling soda while laughing, to name dropping the shows and movies which brought your mom joy, to carefully defining “healing” versus “curing.” This personal narrative is well written, even with touches of its own humor as you describe your perceptions and misconceptions about what your mom found to be funny as she journeyed towards better health.

I always recommend Size 4 Verdana font to ensure an open and engaging reading experience, and it’s always a good idea to add a third relevant genre, such as “Experience” or “Family.” Other than that, I have little to recommend for improvements to this biographical essay. You present your theme and ideas with warmth and sincerity, and the lesson is greatly appreciated.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4764603

Review of The War Next Door

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Greetings!

Oh my... Wasn't expecting that, for sure. Well, he didn't feel any sort of guilt or remorse, and he wasn't even smart enough to grab a weapon or his phone before he ventured into someone else's house, so sheesh. I think he might have gotten what he deserved. I mean, tampering with an old lady’s Dodge Caravan is pretty serious for a neighborly scrap… (love that specific detail there! But I have to point out that it would be hard to get under the hood of a locked minivan to disconnect the battery. As a sensible woman, she would have kept it locked… unless the whole thing was a setup to get an “excuse” to shoot him

) You’ve painted a dramatic picture of unexpected enmity, one man’s venturing too far afield, and the clever insanity of an old woman eliminating a pesky neighbor.

The only suggestion I would make, is that first person point of view seems a bit awkward since he’s peremptorily shot dead at the end… but one doesn’t realize the disjunction until then, and by then it’s too late to protest as we wrap our heads around what just happened. Oh yeah, your subtitle should be “between neighbors,” not “among neighbors,” which implies more than two of them.

Certainly a startling and off the wall story… reminds me a bit of Roald Dahl’s zany tales, (which ultimately inspired me to come here… long story.)

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4764537

Review of Minutes to Midnight

for entry "Wake"

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Greetings!

Well, this is nifty. I love a good crime drama, but I rarely read them because I'm also a softie... Go figure

You've set this up with care and tact, and I'd love to see what happens next. Definitely expect a review on the second episode.

You've set us up a scenario with lots of explosive potential, as we see Avril, a woman who's trying to get past her former choices and start afresh, and the man who won't let her. At first I wondered if it would be a boring romance (forgot about the genre choice) like "oh great, a old flame..." but the tension and climax is satisfying as we see her facing off a potentially extremely dangerous situation. I loved the detail about the hidden weapon - that was a nifty way to show how well-prepared she is for anything to happen from her old life. But she wasn't prepared enough, unfortunately.

I think a little more exploration of her personality and her new relationship might be good for us to appreciate the stakes of the matter. If she's a loner who would rather live alone (we see it would be much more difficult to "bring her into the fold" if she had stayed alone) but found herself falling in love with the guy she's living with, it would be more compelling than if we have no idea if she just got together with him to have a little more money. She could have an affectionate thought of Lucas as she walks to work, or some simple hint. Also, a foreshadowing of her past would be a good idea too. Perhaps she checks the security system before she leaves, or makes sure her can of pepper spray is attached to her belt, or a fleeting glimpse of someone driving by makes her remember someone she used to know. These little details would help tie the narrative together and add more emotional depth.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4764449

Review of Mirror, Mirror

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Greetings!

An amusing tale which takes us on a dizzying yet brief adventure into the world of mirrors. A perfectly ordinary man attempts to shave as usual, but finds himself staring at the back of his head in the bathroom mirror! As a kid, I loved playing with mirrors and studying the different angles at which things could be seen, and I spent a good bit of effort trying to explain how you can see your “real” image in the reflection of your reflection, as can be understood when using a three way dressing room mirror. So I read your descriptions of the different mirror quirks carefully, looking for anything too illogical. It all made perfect sense except for the “back of the head” issue, which is the crux of the story. Your solution to the issue is hilarious; I couldn’t help feeling relieved when everything returned to normal at the end.

If I had to make any suggestions, I’d inquire what prompted this story. Was it a Writer’s Cramp entry? Also, you should use a third relevant genre such as “Comedy” or “Fantasy.” Also, you need to close the quote at in the mirror? I ask, wildly… Other than that, it was quite a fun read.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4764282

Review of The Island of Dreams

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Greetings!

Oh my, this was great fun to read. I sat breathlessly on the edge of my seat, worrying what would happen next, and that ending was quite

Your character is worth rooting for - who wouldn’t sympathize with a poor silly tourist flung overboard? I did wonder how she managed to get to the island alive, and I certainly thought the climax was building up in a most peculiar way, but it was a rollicking and enjoyable tale. Your descriptions are vivid enough to put us right there into the situation, alongside her on the desert island.

I noticed a bunch of extra commas here… I know you wrote this for "Game of Thrones"

and it was probably dashed off in a hurry. Not anything major, though. Another thing might be to add some more descriptive details to firmly plant us in the reawakened reality at the end… what was she really wearing? Was it the same outfit described earlier? It couldn’t be because she said it was something she bought on vacation…

Also, you know the old rule about “don’t cheat by making them wake up from a dream at the end…” but this breaks the rule with such humor and whimsy it doesn’t feel like I’m being cheated out of a proper story or whatever the argument is for not ending them in such a fashion.

You nailed the prompt excellently, I must say…. This one stymied me for a while as I worked through that challenge!

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4764142

Review of Chapel of the Morning Star 9500words

Review by

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Greetings,

I really enjoyed this slow and intriguing story. It reminds me a lot of something CS Lewis would write. I think the best part of the romantic aspect is that we don’t have any of those pesky physical elements which make me so wary of reading the typical romance (or horror, for that matter) stories. This is purely spiritual, and we don’t have any dwelling on the realities of their lives which brought them to this point. I liked having the hints of Lou’s life as a spy and how his training with the Agency taught him things which he tried to apply to the dreamy, surreal half world of the afterlife. Your descriptions are enough to keep the murkiness of everything in mind, and honestly I think this plot and setting would make a beautiful movie. In fact, I have the perfect soundtrack for it… right here

▼

I also enjoyed your formatting: you've taken the advice of me and Jack on the large, open font

The style is compelling, and your premise is unique, centered around the idea of trust or the lack thereof. Trust and faith go hand in hand, and in Purgatory such things become crucial. The idea of a scheming angel preparing an elaborate setup - together with a suspicious priest whose legacy stretches far beyond the roots of Christianity - to keep lost souls on the run from the very beings coming to save them... Oh my.

The significance of Susan's dream is a little confusing, as I'm trying to figure out where her relatives were going. Was it an illusion cast by Morgen to make her lose hope for Heaven?

I didn't think the length was too long or the buildup too slow at all... Perhaps instead of the brusque declaration of "LONG" on your title, you should simply put an estimated word count in the subtitle. That would be more helpful, because "long" is a very subjective statement, especially on WdC.

I'm afraid I don't have anything much in the way of analytical suggestions for improvement: I was thinking maybe a little more "in-between" filling in of how much Lou and Susan enjoyed each other's company, either that or I suppose more gripping showing of their emotions. But specifically, I really didn't see anything I thought needed fixing.

A fantastic and heartwarming read, dealing with the most basic act of love one can do for another, and the question of what becomes of us in the afterlife, in an imaginative and creative way.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

"The WDC Angel Army"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4763918

Review of No Appointment Necessary

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Greetings and happy account anniversary!

I started on this “next” story before I received your advice about which one is the first in the series…

This was an enjoyable, rollicking story about dealing with corruption in high places. I chuckled at Gloria’s impulsive and useful trick in the courthouse, and I sat on the edge of my seat wondering how the case would be tied up. Those “tough guys” guarding the judges’ offices are funny, even perhaps a little suspicious, but I guess being a Chicago judge in those days was quite dangerous.

I had never heard of the term “gams” before, and at first thought perhaps you’d made a mistake in the subtitle and it should be “dames and games…” That was an interesting addition to my vocabulary. The characters are colorful and the setting is realistic, though I do have some suggestions…

Since I read the other story on my phone, I didn’t realize you used the default font… you know what’s coming

Size 4 Verdana provides an open and engaging reading experience, and I highly recommend it.

Now the awkward part… I know this story is written in the first person PoV of a gruff 1920’s detective who doesn’t have much to say, but I can’t help feeling that it’s rather “bare bones” in the showing. We get the events narrated in a very basic way, with almost zero mention of physical appearances, clothing, body language, facial expressions or any of those little human reactions and descriptions which bring emotions and characters to life for the readers. It’s especially striking in this particular story because you weren’t working with a limited word count, yet the storytelling seems somehow limited and even muted.

Honestly though, I like reading stories which keep the grittiness of the experience at arm’s length from us. Sometimes an author goes overboard with adding visceral details down to the snot on the heroine’s sleeve, and I find that a bit distracting and contrived. It’s a fine balance. And speaking of word count, you might as well add one at the top or bottom. And speaking of the bottom, you have a humongous chunk of empty space down there which is a bit surprising.

Writing style aside (trust me, I have no idea what I’m talking about…) this was a thoroughly fun read from beginning to end: a detective story with a classic setting and a decent protagonist who knows right and wrong and acts like a gent.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

Image #2320442 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4763805

Review of One Long Day in Chicago

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Greetings and happy account anniversary!

A quick and action packed story we have here, with a pacing that keeps us on our toes and a sympathetic treatment of the grubby situations everyone found themselves in. I enjoyed reading it; I would have dived into your Lou Ryan series sooner, but I was never quite sure if I would care for what I found. My tastes balance on a razor's edge between sappy soft kids stories and darker, atmospheric dramas; sometimes a single word choice is enough to throw me off of an entire story.

I found no such word choices here; the language was reserved and the subject was handled tastefully. I enjoyed the little popnotes explaining the jargon, and the story has a beginning, middle and end with just enough deductive reasoning to make it more than a random cheap thrill. Congratulations on the awards and honors, they're well deserved.

I know you want to keep this original copy within the word count, but I have to make some suggestions, so I would recommend you add more descriptive elements and explainers at the beginning. Who exactly is Gloria, how old is she, do we have any indication of his affection for her from the beginning other than the casual term "doll?" What might she look like? Is she a level more respectable than the "broads" and "dames" at the speakeasy? My curiosity might just warrant I read the rest of the stories in this series

The characters are believable and amusing, and the tension starts off at the beginning and climaxes quickly, bringing us along on a wild ride through the past, hitting all the right cliches and stereotypes while maintaining originality.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

Image #2320442 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4763783

Review of Darlene

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Greetings!

A delightful and amusing story we have here, as experienced by a mysterious lady who uses magic only as a tool to make money at a low budget circus, without taking it seriously.

You've painted so many colorful characters: the lady herself, the fat man, the mime, the trapeze girl, all the quirky types we expect to see at a circus. They get along amiably and supportively; I appreciate the friendly camaraderie among them and the passing reference to the creepiness of the mime that everyone kept a cautious eye out for

The grubby, grumpy boy also stands out; we wonder what his story is and why he's the one who takes magic seriously enough to steal something from one who doesn't appreciate it and successfully get it to respond to him. If the tables were turned more as we would expect, the crystal ball would turn on him and refuse to function.

Overall this was a lighthearted and thoroughly enjoyable story, and I just have a couple of suggestions for improvement. You could set the word count in a different font at the top, because it almost collided with the dateline of the story as I began reading. Then, I always enjoy having the prompt the author worked with at the bottom... Is there any chance you'd remember what sort of character the contest was asking for? Lastly, I think it would be fun if we had a little more backstory on either the lady (what a beautiful and unusual name you've chosen for her! Much appreciated

) or the boy. You have 300 extra words to stay within the limit, after all

Oh wait, there were some pesky typos... You misused "it's" several times when "its" is correct. And a word was duplicated somewhere, but now I can't find it. Also, the scene divider should be centered, and you can leave it as the asterisks without the parentheses on either side.

Other than that, I loved it! Just the kind of thing I'd write

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4763603

Review of Kitty

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Greetings!

Wow, what a charming and funny story all around. I didn’t know what to expect from a theme of this sort from a person who loves twisted tales, but this is something I love. Your characterization of the teenage Kitty and her mischievous little brother Randy are so heartwarming and cute. Everything fit together perfectly, from the grandfather’s stroke giving him the twitch to the raccoon leaping through the window. This could easily be the opening chapter of a series of teen stories about this family who uses their powers to save lives like foolish Steve’s. Congratulations on winning the award, it was well deserved.

I see you’ve received lots of reviews on this item over the years, and I probably won’t be able to offer much to improve. Your descriptions of the beautiful scenery and the dangers of being out in the wilderness alone are realistic and engaging. I found the concept of the “exhaling” cave relating with weather patterns to be especially enlightening; I’ve never heard that before, but it makes perfect sense.

I noticed you still have the default font on this item; I recommend using Size 4 Verdana to create a more open and engaging reading experience. Also a word count would be good at the top or in the subtitle so we know what we’re getting into on a variety of devices. Aside from that, it’s a perfect story, one that I’m proud to add to the featured items on my bio tab… (hmm, I should make an item to hold the stuff I like. But I’ve found so many hundreds of them since I got here!)

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

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#4763542

Review of The Backstabber

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Greetings!

I see you used your Drabble as an entry for I Write. A good idea. You've also chosen to post them as individual items, rather than as book entries. I prefer entries myself for such brief chunks of words, but it hardly matters.

We have here a fleeting glimpse of typical high school drama: two girls rivalling each other for the same starring role in a musical. You've painted it well and maintained the word count accurately, while showing a story with a beginning, middle and end, as well as a conflict.

You've also chosen three relevant genres, which can be a difficult thing to do. Overall this is a good Drabble, with clearly defined themes and characters which make it a quick and easy read.

I would suggest you add the prompt you were working with to the top or bottom of the item, that way we can all look back and understand why it was written, particularly since you don't have them gathered into a book with an informative heading. Also, despite the number 100 being in the subtitle, it remains unclear how many words the story actually is. You can clarify that when including the prompt.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4763418

Review of The Cardigan

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)

Greetings!

This is a touching and heartfelt story of a little girl dealing with the loss of her mother, with lots of potential to go in many different directions. I love the mystical nature of it, which is natural considering the prompt you were working with. Your descriptive details are warm and engaging, from the tears, hugs and snuggles to the pretty lapis type stone the little girl found at her mother’s favorite creek, and of course the bulky, comforting turquoise sweater. The potential for development lies in the basic questions which I’m sure you’ve already considered…

Goals, stakes and obstacles are the basic elements of memorable literature, though it might sound trite and simplistic. What are the little girl’s goals? What does she want more than anything else in the world? What would she do to obtain it? What is holding her back? Is it an internal conflict or an external one? Is there an antagonist? What are the potential consequences if she can’t achieve her goals? Is there a way to create tension? To keep us engaged and questioning and rooting for the characters?

I’m glad you were able to find catharsis in writing this, and I hope you can present it to your family at the memorial. Best of luck on the contest entry. It’s the first prose fiction of yours I’ve read, and I’m duly impressed.

In the last sentence before the transition to third person, you have “it’s” when it should just be “its.” Aside from that, I quite simply have nothing to suggest for improvement as it currently stands; my questions only apply if you’re interested in continuing the story beyond the first chapter.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4763265

Review of I Know You

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Greetings!

A haunting piece which begins with beauty and optimism and ends in the darkness and dreariness of war. I half wondered if it was satirical in nature, owing to the second person point of view and the rather blunt ending and mythological style, but I assume it’s a serious folktale type of thing. The goodness and wholesomeness of the lady you’ve described is touching, and her final situation is heart wrenching with little hope of improvement as the brute forces of war, caring not how kindly a soul is, take their toll upon the land. The style feels a little bit like an AI story, with a distinct lack of dialogue or interaction between characters. There is no development arc, goals, stakes or obstacles, yet we are touched by what appears to be the memory of one who had a brief encounter with this angelic sort of human.

I would recommend Size 4 Verdana font to create a more open and engaging appearance on the screen. I also feel like this could be extended, showing us the ultimate end of the lady, or revised to add more concrete details such as a country or even a general area. It feels like it’s from Asia, with the rice. The theme of the injustice of war is only introduced abruptly at the very last paragraph, with the story focusing on the great kindness and good attitude of the lady. Perhaps you could tie in ominous hints of war in the earlier paragraphs to keep a unified feel.

Overall, it’s a striking and memorable item with the feel of a sad fairytale turned inside out.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4763264

Review of I Am

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Greetings!

A mystical and philosophical poem we have here, with clear descriptive words and vivid imagery which brings home the personified earthly entities which name themselves and speak to us. We begin with the most understandable entity speaking: the Earth itself. This at first reminded me of a song my favorite band OneRepublic made for one of the Al Gore climate movies in 2018, Truth to Power. In that song, lead singer and producer Ryan Tedder speaks for the Earth as an injured lover. This metaphor is similar to your first verse.

The second verse brings us to a swift change of perspective: now it is Man who speaks, describing his inherent contradictions and dualities which have shaped the course of history. This shift in perspective took me a minute to figure out, but once I did the rest of the poem became easier to understand.

We move on in increasing solemnity past the introduction of Suffering, then Holocaust (which can be taken to mean anything which causes the death of an untold number of beings at once: natural disasters and wars are the primary causes.) Finally we reach the peaceful truce, the fragile dualistic dance of opposing forces which is Harmony. The promise of peace to be found when Harmony is tapped into is subtle, yet we see it hidden in the heart of Man, a distinct goal to work together towards.

This is a beautifully written and thoughtful poem, and I have a couple suggestions to make it even better. You should capitalize the names of the entities you give voice to at the beginning of each verse, in order to foster a proper understanding of what exactly is being conveyed. You can see I’ve done it in my review text. Then, I always tell people to use Size 4 Verdana font to create a more open and engaging feel on the page. This is important whether you have a story or a poem you’ve written. Lastly, line counts are recommended around here in case you would like to enter your item into any poetry contests.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4763260

Review of Inheritance

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Greetings!

Whee, a nice little horror story which didn’t venture too far into the bounds of disgust for me. The premise was clever, as we see the foolish young man hungry for power and control become taken over by the very thing he was attempting to utilize. A classic premise with a modern and powerful spin. Congrats on the award, it was well deserved. I sat at the edge of my seat wondering how crazy things would get and if I’d regret choosing to read this from the Random Read and Review button. Your tale was well told, though I did notice a brief bit of head hopping in several places where we see the thoughts in Rina’s mind. The story would be sharper and more focused if we stay firmly planted in Dougie’s head, seeing things as he sees them and only gauging others by their reactions.

Some more showing would perhaps be advisable as opposed to telling, but basically it’s a great read. The descriptions are clear and detailed, setting the scenes well without overly exaggerating the mood, and the Halloween party is a natural choice for a time for crazy things to happen and people attempting to gain power over others.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4763255

Review of "Oh, Really, Joey, you can't say that!"

for entry "A Nation Divided: Attempted Assassination of a President"

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Greetings, Joey!

I like your calm, clear and simple exposition of this extremely inflammatory event in our nation’s current history; I read it expecting the usual conservative bias expected from an old white guy in Florida, but found none. Your facts are neatly laid out and summarized in an approachable manner… in fact, if you don’t mind my saying, something about the almost toneless way you’ve written reminds me of an AI composition. But I guess I’m too used to the sloppy and exaggerated rhetoric of the mainstream and social media. So often one sees careless typos in professional journalism, but your writing here is just that: professional.

The article is neatly organized from top to bottom, and the sections it says it will have are exactly what it does have, which makes it easy to read and understand. At first I thought your use of a non-name for the perp was a joke, but when you said you do in fact hope to write for the Daily Wire… I tried fact checking whether they generally use the perp’s name or not, but couldn’t find anything about it. You have an extra comma between “premeditated” and “murder” in the last sentence.

My mom is listening to live news about it right now… did you know there were live bomb ingredients in the perp’s car? Oh, you may want to add citations to your sources for the information you’ve gathered, though I’m not sure what the journalist rules are on this. Your item is well written and a refreshing approach to an unnerving situation.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4763020

Review of Good Samaritan Mother

Review by

In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Greetings!

I greatly enjoyed this heartwarming true story of a young woman passing on the kindness and honor she observed in another family. You laid it all out quite clearly and gave us your state of mind before and after with honesty and simplicity. It’s a lovely reminder that there is still so much good in the world. I love how you call your job waiting tables “taking care of people;” it sounds like you really are sincere about being the best person you can be and providing guests with a wonderful experience.

The situation reminds me of something I witnessed recently at a McDonald’s… I’ve been itching to share this experience with someone, so here it is. A young woman working at the McDonald’s had her two children, a boy about 3 and a girl closer to 6, staying at the tables for her whole shift. The employees all did their best to keep the kids neat and happy with snacks and napkins and whatnot, but the two were still quite noisy, and I couldn’t help being a little unnerved by the hooting and hollering. Then, a family of a father and mother and a little girl about 4 came in and started looking for a spot to sit down. And their little girl started crying and insisting she wanted to sit next to the older girl who was already there. And the mother looked a little confused that these two children were sitting by themselves at the table, but her kid really, really wanted to sit by them, so they did. And the rest was a delight to watch. The three kids had a wonderful time together with the little girl’s parents keeping an eye on things, and there wasn’t any more hollering or fussing. The family stayed for a good long time, and they got to talk to the mom who was working, and it was amazing how well the whole thing worked out for everyone.

One suggestion I have to make is Size 4 Verdana… it really helps open up the writing and make it more inviting and easy to read. Also, a good third genre is always recommended. You can use “Personal” or “Experience.” And while you’re at it, why not throw in a random stock cover image of some kind? That’ll give it a more polished look.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .