The Run-on King PDG Member's (gungunwarrior) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

459 Public Reviews Given

462 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I like to give a fair honest review on anything. I believe in giving every review a custom review and not a cookie cutter. I will point out all the mistakes as well as offer or show help to fix it.

I'm good at...

In depth reviews. I check flow, some grammar if it pulls the reader out of the story. I also check consistency, characters are they real, believable, or fake. I check your plot, theme, and look for flaws. I enjoy both tell and show having grown up reading tell all my life. I will help with ideas on what could make the story or chapter better.

Favorite Genres

I love comedy, sci-fi, fantasy, mysteries, and horror.

Least Favorite Genres

poetry

Favorite Item Types

Short stories

Least Favorite Item Types

poetry

I will not review...

Bad poetry because I really don't know enough to help them fix it. Besides I really wouldn't know good poetry from bad. With all the different styles and structures what might not be bad at all. To me would be so rather then stick foot in mouth and chew vigorously. I would tell you the truth and say I suck at poetry and not disappoint one of the great people here on WDC.

51

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3959758

Review of The Face of Life

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

"Gasp!" You are being reviewed by a newbie!

Dear Dwiggmd

I am reviewing your "The Face of Life"

as a student in the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy." These are just my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

Welcome to WDC or Writing Dot Com. I hope you are enjoying your stay here. As you look around you will find some of the nicest, friendly people always willing to help. If I can help you in anyway please feel free to ask me any time.

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions Being a parent and a grand parent I can understand the mothers loss. Having lost My mother I understand about the bond a son and a mother share between them. Not ever having been a mother I will never truly know the depths of her loss. I just understand she has a deep loss.

Favorite Parts "My poor baby!" She kissed the mole on his right cheek she had first kissed when he was born. I liked this part because it starts the line of recall and it adds a sense of mystery to the story. We start to wonder is this a baby that has died.

Plot The telling of a mothers loss, her struggle as her son went through great illness and finally death.

Characters The 95 year old mother and her 72 year old son. You really did a great job on this I could feel for the mother and see the pain and suffering by both.

Setting The setting was in a funeral parlor. Where else would a mother view her dead son in a casket from. You never came out and said it. Most readers are smart enough to figure it out. You allowed us to do it. Very nicely written.

Conflict The conflict here was: That was curable, but the melanoma they did not see was not. Two tough years of surgery and chemotherapy had hollowed out his face.

Theme A motheres love for her son.

Climax to me the climax was: A teardrop landed on his pale blue upper lip. The ninety-five year old mother reached and closed the lid of her son's casket.

Presentation A little more spacing maybe two paragraphs. The eyes need a rest break now and then. If you mess with the reader's eyes you don't get read. That is why line spacing between paragraphs is so important and why professional writers use it so much. I'm am trying to show why it will not get a five star rating. However with a little polish it sure does have the ability to get the five star rating.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor but it is true!)

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

52

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3957602

Review of Savant

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi there Eloquent Evangelical Atheist

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Savant

(13+)
I take everything as a compliment, especially criticism.
#1978016 by Eloquent Evangelical Atheist

Welcome to WDC or Writing Dot Com. I hope you are enjoying your stay here. As you look around you will find some of the nicest, friendly people always willing to help. If I can help you in anyway please feel free to ask me any time.

Personal Impression I found your work interesting. It wasn't hard to read and it put forth different illusions. I got a little confused with: Example "What they had learnt and saw scribbled margins."

Tone & Mood To me the tone and mood was of a crazy man. Example: "among dark, crazed, reclusive eyes with naught".

Rhyme, Form & Flow It did flow well. However your using free form with follows normal punctuation and sentence structure. Your not following the from your using. Example: " It does flow well good job there.

Emotional Impact To me the emotional part your trying to show me was confusion and weird in other words possible what a crazy man sees. Remember it is the reader and what a reader sees.

Grammar/Punctuation

What they had learnt and saw scribbled margins <--- Should read: "What they had learn't and saw scribbled margins."

I know if you go back and add your punctuation it would fix my misconceptions on this. Remember on this form you put the punctuation where you want to emphasis the illusions you want us to see. As it is your missing the main point of using this format.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

53

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3954530

Review of Official January

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there Blue Owl

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie of The Talent Pond! I am reviewing

Official January

(E)
An office worker's January, real or imaginary.
#1976824 by Blue Owl

Welcome to WDC or Writing Dot Com. I hope you are enjoying your stay here. As you look around you will find some of the nicest, friendly people always willing to help. If I can help you in anyway please feel free to ask me any time.

Personal Impression This poem reminds me of life in a call center with rows and rows of people taking hundreds of calls per day week after week. The hassle waiting for some one to vacate your seat while you wait and try and get set up for the next call.

Tone & Mood You know I have no idea what the tone is. The mood is I don't want to be there and take there petty back stabbing, ladder climbing anymore. Example: "if you wore mascara it would have ran

like you want to, away"

Rhyme, Form & Flow The form was free style. you did have some rhyming in it as well. But nothing in a pattern I could see. The way you set it down was great it flowed well.

Emotional Impact I felt like I was back in my worst nightmare. Some call centers treat you like children and they set you up for failure. They do it so they have a high turn over rate. They actually make money on training people. Not on supporting their client. Since their client is big government business they can get away with it too.

Grammar/Punctuation I feel like your trying out for my title "The Run-on King." Do you realize your poem is only two sentences from the punctuation you have used? You have at least four sentences in there

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You are being reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

54

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3954297

Review of Two Become One

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi there Moon Dancer

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Two Become One

(18+)
A personal description
#1976735 by Moon Dancer

Welcome to WDC or Writing Dot Com. I hope you are enjoying your stay here. As you look around you will find some of the nicest, friendly people always willing to help. If I can help you in anyway please feel free to ask me any time.

Personal Impression As I read your poetry I felt and remembered how it felt with my wife when we two became one. Thank you for putting to words in a beautiful way what I feel with my wife.

Tone & Mood You know I don't know to put into words what the tone is, but the mood is one of joy and sharing.

Rhyme, Form & Flow Your using free form so it doesn't rhyme in the conventional way but it does have a rhythm all of its own. The lines do flow well and have special meanings to the readers.

Emotional Impact

It has a great impact on all that read it. You did a great job it is very well done to show the beauty of god's work on earth and the miracle of life.

Grammar/Punctuation As I was told free form follows regular punctuation. The problem with this is there is no punctuation at all. Since I don't rate by errors but by what your words make me feel. Still you do need to follow form if you use it.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

55

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3953582

Review of Princess of Hades - Chapter two

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi there eyeQ

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Princess of Hades - Chapter two

(13+)
The girl from the previous chapter has changed a lot. She is now the perfect ruler.
#1971690 by eyeQ

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

I am happy to help you as you asked. I felt like this chapter was a great let down to be honest. You know the idea behind it isn't bad. Personally I like action adventure to me I would have shown how bad Thanatos treated his children how all the monsters raised up to help defeat him. I would have during the discovery of the rebellion built up the characters so we know exactly what they look like it's a book not a short story. I would have showed what happen in more detail. We need to know what happened between the family members that way it all makes more sense and the underlying feelings and descriptions all make sense. Right now it feels and reads like a child's fairy tale. If that is what your market is your writing for then your doing great your right in your market.

Favorite Parts By obtaining Thanatos's sword the great "Force Edge", its dark power overwhelmed her, after some time she went out of control and preclaimed herself The Queen of the Underworld. {c;borange}I liked this part because you explain partly how she became the "Queen of the underworld." You still need to explain the reason why she did it. It would add a lot more to this part and make it a lot more interesting.

Plot It is still hard to determine plot at this time although I think is has to do with her pursuit of Daniel.

Characters I would like to know a lot more about all the characters the reason is since this is a book not a short story. You have got a whole 100,000 words or more to tell us all about everything. Don't be afraid to expand out and work in character descriptions every few lines. This is what the real pros do to make a difference.

Setting your not really telling us exactly where we are other in the neither world. We just jump around a bit from some place to a dungeon. You need to transition your reader in your world. Also little things like "As she stood looking over her domain from the palace window, Ari twitched her tail at Burak as he explained."

Dialog Your trying to tell a lot of detail with the talk which is okay. You should be advancing the story more as well as building up to another action sequence and maybe adding in a plot twist.

Presentation Okay if your writing for fun or just using the site for storage than just ignore my advice. You are a pro but your work is suffering from miss spelling and punctuation. A lack of format such as smaller paragraphs and indents. If you are serious at becoming a professional writer then you want to pay attention to detail. You only get two chances to draw editors and publishers to your work your title and description. When they show up and see this they will go look else where for the real professionals that is why you have to practice every time or the one time you don't is the time you blow it.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation

First paragraph:
First and second sentence = "Death" ruled by fear and only fear.There lies <--- you have two errors first the two sentences are run to gather at the period remember you always need two spaces after a period. Next lies should really be lays.

Third sentence = Its been 5 years when the mighty king Thanatos surprisingly fell and vanished by sword of an 19 year old girl, everyone's eyes widened with fear and bowed infront of her. <--- Its should be it's remember if it is then use it's if it's possessive then use its. Next 5 is always spelled out as five and same for nineteen. The last error is both office and this websites spellchecker say infront is two words:in front.[/c}

Fourth sentence = after some time she went out of control and preclaimed herself The Queen of the Underworld. <--- Preclaimed should be proclaimed.

Second Paragraph:
Second sentence = no one dares to speak her name but his brother Burak.<--- You didn't capitalize the first letter on the start of your sentence should be 'No.'

Third sentence = Burak is a nephilim so is his sister. <--- You always capitalize a name(Nephilim.)

Fourth sentence = A nephilim is breed of a demon and an angel, the off spring resulted looks like human but has supernatural powers. <--- You always capitalize a name(Nephilim.)

Fifth sentence = Burak didnt loose his humanity but After killing her father <--- You forgot the ' in didn't and after doesn't need to be capitalized.

Sixth sentence = And in this day they were all gathered together to watch the torture of a cyclopes who disobeyed The Queen 5 years earlier. <--- You capitalize Cyclopes again they are a proper noun and a name and 5 is spelled out.

Seventh sentence = The day she become The Queen, some cyclopses resisted.<--- You capitalize Cyclopes again they are a proper noun and a name.

Ninth sentence = She tortured them every single day. <--- You need to remove the extra space between She and tortured.[/c}

In closing all of these error are simple mistakes you should have found them if you take time to re-read your work and read it out loud. Now that I have showed what to look for you need to finish the editing after all this is your story. I only showed you what to look for the rest of this chapter I leave to your capable hands. One of the tricks is I use word from MSoffice if you copy this over it pretty much shows you all the typos spaces and caps etc...

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

56

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3952898

Review of the begining of the dark

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi there yuna_herty

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

the begining of the dark

(E)
is about the story of the boy that was become the dark prince
#1976020 by yuna_herty

Welcome to WDC or Writing Dot Com. I hope you are enjoying your stay here. As you look around you will find some of the nicest, friendly people always willing to help. If I can help you in anyway please feel free to ask me any time.

General Impressions

Your story has promise. It looks like English is your second language and because of this it does add quite a challenge to read it. I tried to show you some ways to change it. If you would like some in-depth help I would be happy to help you.

Favorite Parts

The little boy mother can only smile to his son that always worried for her. The little boy always happy whenever his mother was smile and she look beautiful even though she look so pale and look fragile as it feel like if you touch her, she will be shatter into peace. I liked this part because of the love the mother has for her little boy.

Plot

It is hard to determine plot on a novel from just one piece. I believe you have a plot component in hear for us. Example: "With slowly and weak, the little boy get up and walking together with the young man in the dark alley in this snow weather that snow was falling from the sky. They were disappear into the dark and without anyone notice about their disappearance."

Characters

Your doing great on your characters your building on each description as we read along. You not over describing them. I also feel they are not under described either.

Setting

You did your settings well we always knew where we were.

Dialog

you are telling this in third person it is all dialog your doing it well.

Presentation

Your writing looks nice you do need to indent it but all in all that will come as you learn how the site works.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation

I noticed your not that familiar with writing in English allow me to make some suggestions watch what I use and where I use it. I will color in all my changes in red.

In the dark alley in the London where you can see people walk with their own world, there’s little boy who was sitting with so many brush in his face and also in his body. He can only look toward the people who look happy in this joy night where everyone looks happy. He can only stare toward them with holding his own body that start to feel cold. <--- I suggest these changes:"In the dark alley in the London where you can see people walk with their own world, there’s a little boy who was sitting with so many bruises in his face and also in his body. He can only look toward the people who look happy in this joyous night where everyone looks happy. He can only stare toward them with holding his own body that is starting to feel cold.

The snow was falling from the sky with beautifully and you can also hear song through the city with so beautiful and everyone look so anticipate about this event. <--- I would suggest these changes: The snow was falling from the sky with such big beautiful snow flakes. You can also hear the music of the snow falling through out the city it was so beautiful, and everyone look so happy about this event.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

57

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3952838

Review of Doubt

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there Liam S

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Doubt

(E)
A short story about three people who are connected by their doubt.
#1975987 by Liam S

Welcome to WDC or Writing Dot Com. I hope you are enjoying your stay here. As you look around you will find some of the nicest, friendly people always willing to help. If I can help you in anyway please feel free to ask me any time.

General Impressions

Very interesting take on this at first i was going ahh another review for a newbie here I come. Now I'm going ok where is the rest of the story lol. I love reviewing new people to site for just this reason I get to read stuff no one has read before good or bad, what awesome fun it can be. You have done an excellent job on writing this story.

Favorite Parts

And, for the briefest moment, I see clearly behind my closed eyes the face of an elderly woman whom I’ve never met, yet I know her. And again. It was a woman, why the newspaper inspired him to paint her Francesco had no idea. She was elderly though she hadn’t lost her beauty, and there was something familiar in her eyes. You showed the connection to these two people with theses sentences I loved the idea. Very nicely done.

Plot

The title and description match how ever in the story as I showed up above you tied in two people with the old lady named Maria. What I missed out on and or didn't understand is the connection to Claudia. The last part of her story was: "And he that doubteth is damned if he eat, because he eateth not of faith: for whatsoever is not of faith is sin.” She whispered, lowering her head into her hands. I don't see the old woman still holding her beauty making a tie to Claudia. Unless Claudia is that woman but then if she is where is the tie to the other people at in her story? Other than that you are sticking to your plot and doing a great job.

Characters

I liked the way you did all three characters. you didn't over describe then you allowed me to interact with them making them my own. Very nice job.

Setting

You did your setting well. I had no problem building an image of the setting for each character.

Dialog

You told this from a third person stand point very nicely done.

In conclusion i rate this story a four point five. Mainly because of a technical issue you did tie in Claudia. there was no grammar, Spelling or punctuation errors i could find. All though I did feel you could make it look even better with indents and busting up those big paragraphs to give my aged eyes a rest now and then. But those are nit picks please ignore it was fine as is.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

58

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3952549

Review of A Broken Love

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there ! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

A Broken Love

(E)
A nameless girl who has lost her love.
#1975874 by M. Fletcher

Welcome to WDC or Writing Dot Com. I hope you are enjoying your stay here. As you look around you will find some of the nicest, friendly people always willing to help. If I can help you in anyway please feel free to ask me any time.

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

I felt sorry and sad for the lady. Maybe I'm too curious but I really wanted to know what happened to her man to cause her to die from a broken heart?

Favorite Parts

It began to swallow her in the same manner the cold had: slowly but surely wrapping its tendrils around her, smothering her. I liked that part because of the way you described it the coming of night. It also could be the coming of death as well very nicely done.

Plot

We normally for a short story check title, description, and story to see the plot and if you stayed true to it. The description and the story match. The title could be better. Now what did I mean by that, I meant what does "Broken" tell us about this story. Now if you had said "Heart Broken" it matches the story. Another suggestion "Broken Love."

Characters

You did great with your main character. Example: "She sat alone in the corner of the room, her knees pulled up to her chest, her face buried in her hands. She lost track of the amount of time she had remained there. She only knew the longer she sat there, the more the cold creeped up into her bones."

Setting

You did your setting well we know for sure she is in a room with a grandfather clock and one window. Besides that is really all we really need to know because the real action is the main character and not the room.

Dialog

You told this in third person so it is all dialog and you told it well.

Presentation

Okay this part is if you are just writing for fun or just using the site for storage, ignore the rest. To me presentation is what professionals do to get noticed as well as sell their work. Some tips you need to format your work it needs to be just like I'm reading a book that was published. Indented, broken into paragraphs, two spaces after each period. The reason why they consider this profession work is because it appeals to readers of all kinds. It doesn't fatigue the eyes, or make it hard to read, because most readers refuse to read things that are not professional, especially editors or publishers looking for new work. You are a professional and with a little tweaking so can this story be a shining example of great writing.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation

She only knew the longer she sat there, the more the cold creeped up into her bones. <--- Suggestion replace creeped with crept.

There was no anger, no fear. Simply sadness. The sadness of loss. Heartbreak in its purest form. <--- You need to run these together to make one sentence. Example: "There was no anger, no fear, simply sadness, the sadness of loss, Heartbreak in its purest form."

The more she cried, the more empty she felt.<--- A suggestion get rid of "more empty" and put "emptier" in their place.

Eventually, she ran out of tears. All of her bent emotions now gone. <--- you should combine these two sentences like this: "Eventually, she ran out of tears, all of her bent emotions now gone."

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

59

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3952478

Review of Vampire

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi there Ani

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Vampire

(13+)
Feeling like a vampire on a cold January afternoon
#1975825 by Ani

Welcome to WDC or Writing Dot Com. I hope you are enjoying your stay here. As you look around you will find some of the nicest, friendly people always willing to help. If I can help you in anyway please feel free to ask me any time.

Personal Impression

At first reading I didn't get it. At second reading I'm still not really sure if I got it. But I'll take a stab at it lol preferably with a wooden stake. I gather a father is entertaining his daughter either he brought her back from the dead as a vampire. Or she feels like a vampire with forbidden love. Example: "Drunk fingers, they like to play with fire,".

Tone & Mood

The mood and tone is dark very dark. Example: "Another excuse to bare my teeth at the looming moon."

Rhyme, Form & Flow

Since this is free style there is no rhyme. It does well with from and flow. Example: "A demand you ignore with a kiss."

Emotional Impact

You have put a lot of impact with your wording. Examples: "Drunk fingers, they like to play with fire,

Look Daddy, I've grown up and you're back,
There's always time for spilling costly liquor and throwing underwear across rooms

They always land clear of the green torn laundry bag"

Grammar/Punctuation

I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor but it is true!)

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

60

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3952472

Review of A Never-Ending Dream

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi there ! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing {bitem:}

Welcome to WDC or Writing Dot Com. I hope you are enjoying your stay here. As you look around you will find some of the nicest, friendly people always willing to help. If I can help you in anyway please feel free to ask me any time.

General Impressions

Interesting take how to tell a child a favorite person is no longer among us. Example: "Because, my dear...he is having an enjoyable dream..." Her mother replied.

Favorite Parts

"Oh, Sweetheart! You'll always wake up...after all you cannot survive without playing with your barbies at 6 A.M. Right?" Her mother said, brightly. I like this part because you have capture the essence of a little girl in one short sentence.

Plot

The title, description, and story all match. The plot was how a little girl founds out about death.

Characters

You did a great job on you characters you gave us just enough to for us to fill in the blanks. great job. Example: Her mother took Lucy's hand and walked her into a simple wooden box. Two beautiful flower arrangements stood next to it. And then, in front of Lucy, there it was, her grandfather, with the palest white face Lucy had ever seen, smiling.

Setting

You did a great job on setting your stage at the start. Example: It was raining outside. Lucy watched as the room filled up with hundreds of people that she didn't know. Sobs, sniffles, cries and moans took over the silence. She was sitting in the church, in the second row next to her mom, that had her arm around Lucy. She hugged Lucy close to her. Lucy didn't understand what was going on.

Dialog

You used your dialog well to develope your story and carry forward the plot.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3952223

Review of Night Terrors

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there David Ryan

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Night Terrors

(E)
A boy stuck in a dream
#1975687 by David Ryan

Welcome to WDC or Writing Dot Com. I hope you are enjoying your stay here. As you look around you will find some of the nicest, friendly people always willing to help. If I can help you in anyway please feel free to ask me any time.

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

Your story has an interesting plot twist to it. I always wondered what happened to people who were in a coma.

Favorite Parts

He looks at his clock. It says 5:00am. He turns around and sees his bedroom door start to open. In the hall is a cloud of fog. The boy sits on his bed and says "Not again."The reason I like this part is, it is realistic a boy really would say that.

Plot

Your plot was what is really going on in a coma. I liked the title it fit this story well. I don't really know for sure to me the description was off. I would have said "Do you really know what goes on in a dream?" The reason I mention this is you have two chances to attract other people to read your work title and description.

Next on WDC is genre you would go Horror/Scary, Dark, then Fiction.

Now since adults mostly dominate the site as in 90% the E audience is for the other 10%. You want to rate it at 13+ so the adult horror fans will select it. Anything higher than that and your into erotica so stay in your market. You need to know your market as well. Your probably wondering why all this under plot. The reason is to determine plot in a short story is you use the title and the description and the story. I also check genre even your bio if needed.

Characters

You did well on the characters some people will always want more, because we are authors. You are doing great with what you gave us. there is how ever the element of being scared and also the horror. There was a great article about this in the horror weekly newsletter about two issues back you can read any newsletter published here on WDC by going to "Things to Do & Read" then look up it is about the sixth one from the top reads "Newsletter Archives." You search the horror newsletter for the word scary and it should pop right up.

Setting

The bedroom was great but the transition from inside his head to the hospital room was quite a jump. To make it smoother you could state he heard someone gently crying close by then go to the hospital room.

Dialog

This was told in third person voice so it all was dialog you did use your dialog well to advance the story. Now some of authors will be upset you did show us rather then tell us as you did. Now if you want to learn more about this way of writing beside the scary one this link should help you out as well"Invalid Item"

. First article Shows versus Tell is the right one.

Presentation

Now if your writing for fun or just using the site for storage. Then pretty much ignore all this. However if your interested in getting noticed or published you need to think like the professionals do. They indent the paragraphs. They put line spacing between each paragraph. Because they know you need to rest the readers eyes or they stop reading your work.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation

They couple have been sitting there every day for the past three weeks, hoping their son will wake up. <--- They should be 'the' couple. Darn pesky 'y' it always shows up next to my the's too, man I hate that when it happens.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3951863

Review of A Weight Worth Bearing

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there Daniel Wilcox

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

A Weight Worth Bearing

(E)
A young man realizes the value of a conscience.
#1975474 by Daniel Wilcox

Welcome to WDC or Writing Dot Com. I hope you are enjoying your stay here. As you look around you will find some of the nicest, friendly people always willing to help. If I can help you in anyway please feel free to ask me any time.

General Impressions

I think your way of describing how our conscience has value as well as influences us in our poor choices. I think you did a really good job on this story and I hope you win the contest.

Favorite Parts

He began to think of a young man whose life may have been a bit grim as well. A young man who had seen hard things, done bad things, and who like Rose had plenty of regrets--plenty of sad stories. But then he thought about how in spite of these things there was a blue sky above and an open street ahead of him, and his feet carried him past the pawn shop. He thought about the elation of a mother at the return of a son from a distant war, and the relief of a grandmother at the news of a successful surgery. I believe this paragraph sums it all up without giving away the ending. This is just a sample of great creative writing your really doing a great job on this.

Plot

On short stories to find plot we look for title, description and story do they match. Yes they did I liked the way you brought us all back and summed it all up for us at the end.

Characters

You know I enjoyed the way you didn't over describe your characters to me. You just gave a little at a time making me read the story to find more very good job on that.

Setting

You set your stage well mostly using a buss and city streets nothing was over described. Very nicely done.

Dialog

You told this in third person so it all was dialog. You used this well both on the plot and the story line.

In closing I rated this a four point five star because you presented it very professionally. it still needs that polish a publicized work has. You are very close more like a 4.99 truth be told. Oops I messed up and used numbers with out writing them out oh dear I beg your forgiveness. I just wanted to make my point you are very close to being what all authors strive for.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

63

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14 days may be credited.

#3951824

Review of Living the Good Life

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi there Sera June

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Living the Good Life

(13+)
Snippet from a novel I've been working on.Dennis is a rich jerk and Danielle is his wife.
#1975485 by Sera June

Welcome to WDC or Writing Dot Com. I hope you are enjoying your stay here. As you look around you will find some of the nicest, friendly people always willing to help. If I can help you in anyway please feel free to ask me any time.

General Impressions

I found the story interesting. Your characters believable as well as the story line.

Favorite Parts

Downstairs, her best friend and assistant Max was pacing the foyer trying to pretend he was interested in the mill work that he had been staring at every day for the last 5 years. He looked up as she came down the stairs.
“Oh thank heavens,” he breathed “he’s in an awful mood. Good luck tonight okay? Text me if you need anything.” He ushered her out the front doors and closed them behind her. I liked this part it is showing me that his wife is doing the same thing to her husband as he is doing to her.

Plot

Since this is just a snippet it is hard to tell the plot but one can guess from genre and title. A romantic tale of how Danielle breaks from her jerk of a husband and finds Max waiting for her they fall in love and live happily ever after. No? Well it was a stab at it from what I have read in reviewing this story so far.

Characters

You are doing a great job of making your characters interesting. you not into heavy detail but just enough to keep the reader glued to the story.

Setting

You are doing the setting very well. Your not jerking me form one place to another, you transition them well.

Dialog

Your telling us the story from third person. You are narrating this story very nicely it flows well and I found nothing to jerk me out of the story.

Presentation

If your just writing for fun or just using the site for storage then ignore this part. If your interested in getting noticed or published than I have some tips for you. A professional writer does things a certain way. All their short stories, book chapters, or poetry are formatted like they are ready to be published. Allow me to tell you why. It is because they take pride in presenting their work to any media willing to take a look on the off chance a publisher or agent might see it and pick them up. On here if a publisher or assistants come looking for new material you only get two shots at them looking at your work. The title and description. If a publisher looked at this presentation do you really think they will bother to read it all? No they wouldn't since you don't present it in a serious professional manner they will go look for the ones who do. Your title should be something mysterious to use the curiosity approach. Next you want your best novel sales add as the description. You want line spacing between paragraphs and speech paragraphs and indents on all paragraphs. This way there is no doubt we are dealing with a real pro. If nothing else your building a reputation here as a pro.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

64

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3951802

Review of Whispers in the Dark

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi there Here In the Room

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Whispers in the Dark

(13+)
Chapter 1; open on the main character.
#1975465 by Here In the Room

Welcome to WDC or Writing Dot Com. I hope you are enjoying your stay here. As you look around you will find some of the nicest, friendly people always willing to help. If I can help you in anyway please feel free to ask me any time.

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

Your starting out good your main character is interesting. I like the fact your not flooding me with details all at once your making me work for them. The mystery is what we keep on going with. My curiosity meter is at an all time high I want to know more.

Favorite Parts

I haven't brought much with me today, just my bag with my "regimen" in it. It's a small plastic sack from the local Pharmacy with the logo on it. The "regimen" inside can be heard. The doctors label it with a tag called "Haldol." I'm supposed to take one to two every day, but without food. I like this part because you finally give me a clue I can use to find out out what the girl's regiment really is. I like your writing style and the way your writing this.

Plot

With only a snippet of a larger work it is hard to determine plot. But the title and the favorite part are all clues. I feel I can truthfully say you have added some plot components here to add to it as your setting us up for the main plot with sub plots and twists.

Characters

You did a great job introducing the reader to your main character.

Setting

You did a great job on the settings especially with what is going on in the background around our main character. you transition well from the cafe to the bus to the apartment.

Dialog

This is being told in first person by the main character. It is all dialog, your using it well to tell us all about her world and set your stage for the rest of the story.

Presentation

There are only two things I feel need your attention. Before I tell you this if your just writing for fun or using the site for storage then ignore the rest. If your serious in getting noticed or published here is some tricks you need to know about. Always use the description for an in-depth sales add for your novel. Next don't put the chapters in the title you want just your novel title there. The correct place for your chapter and chapter heading is up top of the body of the story.

Example:
Notes: (word count, reviewer notes, contest prompts etc...)

Chapter 1

The body of the text for chapter 1.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

65

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3951503

Review of The Candle

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi there abcoachnz-Sometimes around

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

The Candle

(13+)
Contest entry to {item:1935914}
#1951425 by abcoachnz-Sometimes around

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

This story was well written. Please allow me to tell you about what the stages of illusion you ran me through until the end. First I see daylight and am happy I provide an inner light to giants. Next I see: "Looking round me on my new surface, eight of my friends are lined up in military precision, three abreast in three rows." It makes me change my vision to eight under ground missiles raising up to be launched and then they are launched. Now one by one they drop or are being guided to their targets. Now this is the illusion I picked up and am running with so far. Now at this point I'm totally confused as to where is the candle or are the missiles the candles as they light up the atmosphere as they go to their targets then explode and go out. I read on now the giants start talking and I'm confused all over again then I see the last three words and like a light bulb coming on in my brain the confusion goes away and I see that all this time I was totally miss lead.

Favorite Parts

Without warning there is a glow starting to spread all through and round me. Our lights have been turned on and all of us shiver in anticipation, sending dark smoke twirling up to the sky high above us. I give another shiver, loving the way the flame waves back and forth, its smoke, now white and even, forming circles and squares and wavy designs up to the ceiling. {c;borange} I really liked this part it was what totally confused me and gave me a different illusion to see this description of action.

Plot

You know with just the title and the story to go on, I really don't know what the plot was.

Characters

You really didn't describe the characters to match the title. The giants were pretty vague as well until the last. I kept confusing them as the missiles.

Setting

The setting was confusing as well half the time I thought we were in outer space orbiting the planet looking for the target to destroy.

Dialog

Since it was first person it was all dialog you told an interesting story a bit confusing but then again you might have designed it that way on purpose to add a twist to it at the end.

Presentation

I found no grammar or spelling errors in it. Just presentation. To be the best of the best or a professional we all do certain things a certain way, and that is line spacing between paragraphs, indents at the beginning of each paragraph. A professional is an attitude not a degree some one gives to you. I tell you this because I know your a pro and I think you should show it to the world as well!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

66

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3951377

Review of Clean Up

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi there abcoachnz-Sometimes around

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Clean Up

(18+)
Short story of a man retelling his days experience.
#1949391 by abcoachnz-Sometimes around

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

I enjoyed reading this story. It does read well and it has a good flow. I enjoyed several parts especially the ending. I will not mention it here to keep from giving it away great twist.

Favorite Parts

You laugh. Even now, as I think about it, I want to do just like Joe did there. The bed had been ripped up like some wolverine-type person had been looking for something. I liked this part because you didn't go into heavy description you gave us enough to use our minds and make our own scene. You did a great job on that.

Plot

On a short story we use title, description, and story. I compare the title and the description and read the story to see how confused I get. Actually I wasn't confused the plot was about a man telling a new friend about his worst nightmare job.

Characters

I liked how you did your characters. You didn't give me a shopping list you just allowed me to find out more as the story developed. Very nicely done.

Setting

You did your setting very well. Example: " Must have been quite a nice house in its day, but is now a little rundown. The yard looked like it could have done with a mow or some care. I still don’t understand why people don’t just have evergreens. That would avoid all the slippery dead leaves lying round the place."

Dialog

You used your dialog well. The story was told in first person and you stayed in first person really well you staid consistent in it. Example: "The cop muttered something about a triple murder before standing aside for us. But, man, was I in for a surprise. As I said earlier, I am used to this kind of stuff, but that place was beyond it."

Presentation

Here is where I normally tell people if your just writing for fun or just using the site for storage please ignore the rest. But if your working to be a professional writer you would format this story as if it was in a published book. With indents on paragraph starts and line spacing between speech lines and paragraphs. Because with as good of writing that your doing you really should be proud of it and edit it to reflect your professionalism. Next your fine with your word choice of tyre but since I'm not from British influence it jerked me out of the story. I was thinking how to fix it so both people could understand it the only suggestion would be to add right next to it (tire.)

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation

I used a new beta program on it just for this to show you ways to improve your writing.
Frequently Occurring Words
• that 19
• like 16
• been 9
• there 9
• place 9
• just 8
• have 8
• this 7
• house 6
• about 5
• blood 5
• evil 4
• will 4
• when 4
• into 4
• then 4
• what 4
• done 4
The other point it showed was you had nine sentences ending with a preposition. You have used five weak words and four passive words.

In closing, by eliminating as many that's as you can it will start doing a lot more show as well. Heavy use of that is a tell wording. It still reads well but for tires lol. But for your audience it is a great choice. For the American audience I would suggest you change the spelling is all.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

67

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3950860

Review of No more sweet words

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there Awkward Words

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie of The Talent Pond! I am reviewing

No more sweet words

(E)
Just a random poem, post break up
#1974914 by Awkward Words

Personal Impression

I several impressions. I promise to keep to one impression and one observation. My impression is that of man finding out his woman is leaving him for another. I don't know who you are since you have no bio. Now the observation when you center your text if you look at the whole form what do you see? I see a hilt of a two handed sword with the blade broken off. At first I thought it was interesting it would take this specific shape. As I was typing this it came to me what was once one is now two. I am noticing more and more when we center our work the art form the text takes. I find that we have a natural art form with the poems we write both in text pictures as well as the illusions and emotions these show us.

Tone & Mood

The tone and mood is sadness at a great loss. Example: "You will always be the day dream

Of which I loved so well."

Rhyme, Form & Flow

The form is free style and this really does flow well.
Example of flow:
"Through this broken love seeps reason

It's cold logic driving frivolous fantasy from mind."

Emotional Impact

I feel the sadness of the dying relationship I see the determination to go ahead and prepare to love again.
Example: "Goodbye My little bird,

My shattered crystal princess"

Grammar/Punctuation

I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor but it is true!)

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You are being reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

68

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3950839

Review of Honk, If You Like Rush

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there QueenOwl ~ A New Day Dawns

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Honk, If You Like Rush

(E)
The relationship between freedom of speech and political correctness in my point of view.
#1974980 by QueenOwl ~ A New Day Dawns

General Impressions

"Honk!" "Honk!" Yes like you I like Rush. I also agree with what you are pointing out in your essay. Quote: "The truth is that freedom of speech and political correctness are in conflict with each other." Part of our problem is we all are running scared of confrontation, just like you had at the stop light. We are afraid of someone getting upset and going postal right in our own neighborhood. In some respects terrorism is working for them in more ways then we want to give credit.

Favorite Parts

Be that as it may, the activists for illegal immigration, on the other hand, do not like the term "illegal" and prefer to call them "undocumented" immigrants. Of late, the word "terrorism" has been stricken from White House vocabulary and replaced with "isolated extremists" or similar description removing the tint of Islamic terrorism all together. I like this part because it backs up what I was talking about in my impressions.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation

I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor but it is true!)
I had to get out my two handed magnifying glass to find the only error in the whole piece. You have no bad grammar I could find or spelling but alas the very last sentence at the very end too. Oh cruel world it had to spoil a perfect record. I still wish I hadn't found it!

We can happily and peacefully co-exists amid cultural and religious diversities if we ground ourselves with God-given compassion and caring for each other <--- Your missing the ending period of all things.

Presentation

I feel like I was reading an article in a magazine. It was presented in a professional way.

In closing this has been a true pleasure to read this. I agree with you on your position on "Freedom of Speech" versus "Political Correctness." We should feel protected to express our opinion freely, and not worry about retaliation whether we are politically correct or just telling people like it is. I fought a war in Vietnam for just that reason same for all our other veterans it is the reason we fight.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

69

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3950787

Review of The Doubts of the Faithful

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi there ! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing {bitem:}

Welcome to WDC or Writing Dot Com. I hope you are enjoying your stay here. As you look around you will find some of the nicest, friendly people always willing to help.

General Impressions

Isn't it interesting how fate works. You lose something in life and gain another.

Favorite Parts

She recognized him as one of her neighbors, though they had never spoken. He handed her a tissue and looked out at the lake without speaking. She mopped the tears from her face. The reason I like this part is the way you transitioned her from grief to curious and the possibilities took hold.

Plot

The story matches the title and the description. A women's doubts of fate and fates retaliation.

Characters

You developed your characters well. Example: "As the children of a traditional woman of incomparable beliefs, Amani and her sisters’ had come to share their mother’s truth that there were no coincidences, only fate."

Setting

You set your stage well. Example: "A woman sat at the edge of the dock, her toes dipped in the cool water."

Dialog

You used the dialog well to advace your plot and the story. Example: "The lake is beautiful this time of day.” He had a deep, melodic voice.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

70

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3950374

Review of GATE for Chemical Engineering

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi there GATE Coaching

}! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

GATE for Chemical Engineering

(E)
Chemical Engineering is the branch of engineering concerned with the design, construction.
#1974777 by vaniinstitute

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

If your trying to impress me with these courses and areas of study and job opportunities your add failed. To prove why it didn't reach your goal lets break it down section by section. The introduction looks like a section taken from a college class guideline on subjects they have to offer. This is designed to be informative on class study not a sales pitch to get me interested in joining the ranks of chemical engineering. If you read it from a person looking for a job or career how far would you read it. Now you see my point. For a sales add it is just a large information dump. For a course curriculum it is perfect. For a recruiting add you need to rethink it. To give you the help you can use. Think back on what drew you to join this learning institution? What part of it's advertizing appealed to you? Now use that in the intro.

Favorite Parts

Your task will be to design, install and maintain plants of large-scale processes in oil, chemical, pharmaceutical industries, mineral-based industries, petrochemical plants, synthetic fibres and petroleum refining plants. Now with this part your starting to sell it instead of filling us with facts.

Presentation

Now the next section is your core subjects. Your job is to sell this to me. Right now it looks like a shopping list. If you would give a short synopsis on each item in a color say blue. Not only will it make more sense to me on what I'm reading but color always attracts the eyes. By giving us the reader an idea of why each subject is needed for a real job in the chemical industry makes it more likely to get people interested.

On Further Education what do all your aberrations mean? Your trying to sell new people to this industry we have no clue on what BTech/BE or MTech/MS means. You really should always spell these out.

My next section is "Job Profiles"
At this point in your add the text section is okay it could be jazzed up but it actually works as it is. The main issue with this is stop with all the aberrations. Your trying to get me interested in job possibilities. I want to know if I use your courses there is a real job waiting. I want to know the full company names so I can do a Google and check them out. A bunch of letters like BPCL just makes me stop right there. The correct way is full name, address, website link, email address for the recruiter. Include other contact links make it believable to your reader, otherwise it is just another shopping list to skip over.

In closing another way to understand is to look at your competition's adds and see what they do to advertise. It should give good ideas on how to make this greater. I will always be glad to review this again after you have reworked it.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

71

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3949758

Review of Something Awry

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there Preston Orrick

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Something Awry

(E)
A very short story about an oddity spotted among a farm.
#1974476 by Preston Orrick

Welcome to WDC. In your exploring the site you will find a lot of really nice and friendly people here who are always willing to help. If I can help you in any way please feel free to ask anytime.

General Impressions

It really is a short story. It does have potential to be expanded out into a novel or novella or a much larger short story. It does have a lot of potential.

Favorite Parts

Darren has been working these fields for the better part of eight years, and can spot any one of his fellow workers from a reasonable distance. The reason I like this part is your justifying how Darren can see this oddity from a tracker out in the middle of the lower back forty.

Plot

For short stories we use the title, description, and read the story. They all match, the plot is about the spotting of the oddity that likes chicken.

Characters

you didn't go into great detail you just gave us enough to use our own minds to fill in the blanks. Example: "The oddity looked like a person, but had jumped almost like a kangaroo and adorned what looked like fur running up its back."

Setting

The setting were a tractor in a field plowing the ground in preparation for planting. the next scene was at the barn and inside. You did your settings well.

Dialog

This was told in third person it was all dialog.

Presentation

This is the point where I tell you that if your just writing for fun or you are just using the site for storage then ignore the rest. If your interested in pursuing a writing career than here are some tips. Tip #one. A professional always uses line space between paragraphs and indents the starting of each paragraph.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation

Tip #two. Always read your story out loud and you would have caught the following errors.

A very short story about an oddity spotted among a farm. <--- Wouldn't 'at' work better in the title than among?

Curious, he stops the tractor and hops onto the freshly paved ground. <--- Shouldn't that be 'plowed ground' instead of paved ground?

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

72

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3949700

Review of ich liebe dich. wo ai ni. ai shiteru.

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi there Janskii

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

ich liebe dich. wo ai ni. ai shiteru.

(E)
a simple essay about La-La-La LOVE.
#1974453 by Janskii

Welcome to WDC. I hope your finding things to your liking here. As you start looking around, you will find nice friendly people here always willing to help. If I can be of service please feel free to ask.

General Impressions

It's nice to know the ladies share some of the same things men do. We all have our favorite dream person. Whether we married them, dating them, or trying to find them.

Favorite Parts

I might have doubted his loyalty several times but the first time he looked at me straight in the eye & told me he loves me, I cant help it but just be thankful that i got him. I like this part because your honest about it with both your feelings and reality.

Presentation

If your writing for fun or just storing your work here please ignore the rest. If your serious about being a professional writer then here are some tips to help you out.

Tip #one- :) <--- In professional writing you only use these in texting either in phone or story about people texting.

Tip #two. Who is this actually written for. The people here are adults at least 90% or more. You need to watch the hip slang because most adults will stop reading and go find something else to read if they cannot relate to your slang. Why should they take time out of their day to Google all your references? Your audience was pretty much the YA (Young Adult) here, the ten percent. Professionals always know the market they are writing for.

Tip #three. This is a multinational website, but putting titles in a different language is making sure you only get that language speaking audience which really limits your chance of being recognized or offered to write for publishing companies.

Tip #four. Your work no matter what your doing with it should always follow professional standards like indents at the start of every paragraph. You always want your work to be better than all the rest. I know you can do this after all I did read your work all the way through. You do have great potential.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation

Tip #five. All ways read your articles out loud before hitting save. All the little errors I found below wouldn't be here if you practice that.

if at all possible, the man I wished was made for me had murky hair, tall, enticing eyes, had the right kind of body structure <--- If should have been capitalized since it is the start of a sentence.

He do not know everything but with him, all chit chats are just PERFECT.. <--- Two thing wrong here 'do' should be doesn't and you only need one period at the end of the sentence.

and i am not really sure what the future holds for us.<--- You need to capitalize the 'i' in the sentence.

I cant help it but just be thankful that i got him.. <---You need to put an ' in cant and again delete the extra period.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

73

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3949487

Review of Chicken Dance

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there Kama Jamiolkowski

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Chicken Dance

(E)
A silly little "essay" that I had to write for a creative non-fiction class.
#1974358 by Kama Jamiolkowski

General Impressions

Now that is a bit more interesting then Master Chef. You know I though it might be one of those dry boring pieces on how to cook chicken. Actually I was surprised it more like a short story about cooking chicken to music.

Favorite Parts

I take my razor sharp, bone defying knife and make the first incision. Metallica blares "Ride the Lightening," and I think of Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer." But I've just started this dance with these chickens. The reason I like this part is this is the start of your dance the needed confrontation with the chicken and the musical references like using a sledge hammer on these poor things.

Plot

This actually does have a plot strange no? The title and your story do match. The description could use a rewrite. But hey nothing is perfect.

Characters

The main character versus chickens you didn't over describe them. You left us lots of room to use our mind.

Setting

You did great, there was a kitchen with appliances and cooking utensils etc...

Dialog

It was all first person so it was all dialog you used it well to tell the story and advance your plot.

In closing it was well written. You actually had the beginning of conflict the actual conflict and the resolution. Examples: Beginning - I stand alone, facing this naked, dead bird. Conflict - The pieces and portions fall seamlessly from the carcass as I massacre this poor bird. The Resolution - In the words of Julia Child, "A little wine for the chicken, a little wine for the cook."

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

74

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3949311

Review of survival

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi there heartlesssoul63

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

survival

(13+)
zombies, guns, gore ,murder
#1974122 by heartlesssoul63

Welcome to WDC. I hope your find your stay worth while. As you look around you will find a lot of nice friendly people always willing to help. If i can help you out please feel free to ask me anytime.

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

Interesting Zombie story. I was attracted to it because of the journal entry method you used nice style. Upon reading the whole story, this method worked well for this type of story.

Favorite Parts

The outbreaks been out for about a week or so now and I’ve gone through a couple of these zombies. I can feel all the radiation around me so there is an outbreak somewhere near. I’m going to go rob this store for the goods that are left inside of it. I will be back to this journal soon. I liked this part because you tell us why the zombies are being created in your area.

Plot

Now comes the fun part I use title, description and read the story to see how confused I get. Your title matches the story. The description how ever is true but doesn't tell the plot of survival. In short stories a contest judge will call you on it. The fix is very simple add 'survival' in the description problem solved.

Characters

The characters were described just enough to let our minds do the work to place the needed imagery.

Setting

You moved around a lot so the setting jumped around instead of leading us smoothly from one setting to next setting. It's okay I understand you were trying not to get bit.

Dialog

You told this tale as first person with some third person jumping in now and then. You need to keep this first person so take out your gun and shoot that third person now your finished with him.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation

I was sitting on the couch about an hour and half ago and saw on the television,.<--- Interesting way to end a sentence wouldn't a period do just as good?

So I robbed the store for all of its goods I got a 9mm pistol twelve bullets a fire axe and some canned food I killed three of the zombies today.<--- My suggestion is:"I robbed the store for all of its goods I got a 9mm pistol, twelve bullets, a fire axe, and some canned food. I killed three of the zombies today.

So I got some lead for my pen.<--- We the readers like consistency wouldn't "mechanical pencil" work better here because a pen is always associated with ink and ink refill cartridges. The other issue I had with this was I thought by a pack of lead was some one would fill him up with lead thus ending his life. Your confusing us with the wording or choices of words if you swap out pack of lead for ink refill cartridges you kill two birds with one stone.

he also has a bullet proof vest where who’s scouting wears it each night. <--- You know one of the best tricks ever was taught to me by my daughter. She told me to read my work out loud before hitting save. It is one of the best tricks ever. If you had read this out loud you would have found it doesn't make sense and kicks the reader out of the story your working so hard to tell us.

He was a Pre Navy Seal just like me a corporate <--- Wow I never met a corporate navy seal before. I have met a corporal though as well as other department of navy personnel. Don't you just hate it when your spell checker gives you the wrong word as the first choice?

In closing If your just writing for fun or just storing your work here you can just ignore it all. But if your serious about being an author you do have potential and I do have some good tips for you if you ever go back in and edit this story. Tip #one descriptions shouldn't read like a grocery shopping list. the idea is like a woman's purse. you only put something in the purse that carries your plot forward. Does the reader or the zombie really care what gun you shoot the zombie with? Next the only grocery item besides food was matches the rest was over description.

Tip #two. There were a lot more errors I didn't show. What I did was show you the most common ones so you now know what to look for when you do your edit. I am titled "The Run-on King" but your story looked like you were trying out for my title. I will still have you beat I wrote over 108,000 words of run-on.

Tip #three always indent your paragraphs it makes it look even better like a pro wrote it.

I am always willing to come back and review it again and change my rating after you edit this.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

75

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3949193

Review of Annie

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (1.0)

"Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie!

Dear carlton607

,
I am reviewing your "Annie"

as a student in the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy." These are just my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

Wow what an interesting story you wrote. I cannot begin to tell you how much fun I had reading your story. You have peaked my interest in what happened to Annie such a long time ago that has her worried so much. An example is: She dreamed of what had happened and several times she woke up in a chilling puddle of worry.

Favorite Parts

The high winds caused Annie to fear a hurricane or a tornado. She was petrified like a peace of old wood. Her face froze in the heat under her covers and she sweat, but she remained calm in spite of what had happened in the past, a past she wanted to forget but she couldn't stop remembering. I love how you described Annie's condition in these two sentences. I was amazed at all the detail and conditions happening at once to the poor lady.

Plot

Normally on a short story I try and use the title, description, and read the story. I like to see how confused I get. Some times we as writers forget our main plot and add several sub plots in our stories. I believe that happened here. As a suggestion I think you might check your story outline and consider a small rewrite on this story.

Characters

You did well on your characters Annie and Buster. Examples: Annie was frail. She was not that old and her hair was blonde turning brown and her waste was small. Buster was a mix breed dog and he liked to play.

Setting

Annie worried and was alone in her house. The next thing she knew was the sun shining in through her bedroom window. We knew where we were most of the time the dog however seem to roam the house a lot. You may want to consider putting a leash on the dog.

Dialog

You used your dialog well to help keep the fear down in the dog. Example: "It's okay, Buster. There's nothing to worry about."

In closing your descriptions were okay but there were places it got really confusing for the reader pulling me out of your story. I feel you should read this out loud and review it for the confusing spots. It could use some new thoughts on the confusing spots. You had some miss spelled words and some interesting uses of punctuation. You have great potential as I have pointed out above. If you decide to do a rewrite on this story please let me know I would be happy to review it and change my rating of it.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member