The Run-on King PDG Member's (gungunwarrior) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

459 Public Reviews Given

462 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I like to give a fair honest review on anything. I believe in giving every review a custom review and not a cookie cutter. I will point out all the mistakes as well as offer or show help to fix it.

I'm good at...

In depth reviews. I check flow, some grammar if it pulls the reader out of the story. I also check consistency, characters are they real, believable, or fake. I check your plot, theme, and look for flaws. I enjoy both tell and show having grown up reading tell all my life. I will help with ideas on what could make the story or chapter better.

Favorite Genres

I love comedy, sci-fi, fantasy, mysteries, and horror.

Least Favorite Genres

poetry

Favorite Item Types

Short stories

Least Favorite Item Types

poetry

I will not review...

Bad poetry because I really don't know enough to help them fix it. Besides I really wouldn't know good poetry from bad. With all the different styles and structures what might not be bad at all. To me would be so rather then stick foot in mouth and chew vigorously. I would tell you the truth and say I suck at poetry and not disappoint one of the great people here on WDC.

126

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14 days may be credited.

#3931553

Review of The Promise, Part 1

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi there Lilian Colby

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a Paper Dragon Gang newbie! I am reviewing

The Promise, Part 1

(13+)
Reuben has breezed through everything with no challenge, until her father came.
#1966551 by Lilian Colby

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

I liked this story. It was well written and it flowed well. The story idea is unique and different.

Favorite Parts

The same brown eyes and black hair, the same casual clothing he would always wear on "off the record" trips. "DAD!!!" I heard my self yell. I was running as fast as my feet could take me. I liked the way you showed how a child would react up the return of her father that she really loves.

Plot

I like the way you told how she left and grew up making friends with her step brother and then the return of her dad you stayed true to the title and the story plot.

Characters

You didn't over describe the main character. You didn't go into her mom much at all, but then if she hated her mom this would be true as well, and same for the step father. I can sort of picture her step brother but not really get a good picture of him. I still can see Robert Downy Jr as Iron man aka Tony Stark. My mind fills in the daughter as I picture a young teenager full of life and having fun.

Setting

We start with the Stark Mansion and it goes dim after that but then since she wasn't really happy where she was at it actually makes sense that you would find her in a college setting more then a home setting.

Dialog

“Are all your things packed?” “Daddy, I don’t wanna go!” “I know, but this is your mother! She wants another chance with you.” “Why didn’t you fight for me? Why didn’t you tell Mom the truth?” “Baby, you need to understand, if I ever said something like that, I’d be taken away and you’d have to be with your Mom anyways.” “You’ll see me again soon enough, don’t worry.” “Promise?” “Promise.” We then hugged, I remember how he kissed the top of my head and whispered “I love you baby girl.”
The dialog I have shown up above is a great example of a father having a hard time letting his baby girl go it was well written and shows exactly why he has to allow her to leave.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

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#3931391

Review of Trigger

Review by The Run-on King...

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi there Charlie

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Trigger

(18+)
She's just as lost as the rest of us
#1966679 by Charlie

General Impressions

Charlie my general impression was your trying to beat me out of my title of "The Run-on King". I have a sense of humor and I like to use it. Now I am still puzzled is this a poem or a short story? I am going to review it as a short story so if I guessed wrong please ignore this as it doesn't work except the grammar and punctuation. Since I'm going to review it as a reader your story idea is a good one, and I like a lot of the description on what is going on inside her head as she is trying to live out her depression.

Favorite Parts

'This is not my story' she'd repeat to her mind, she'd told herself this countless amounts of times now. She felt like sooner or later she'd cave into believing that she could fight this dark beast trying to drown her. The reason I like this part and not for the grammar is the trigger your portraying of what the young woman or girl is fighting. I was able to pick up she is fighting depression and nothing is working and all her efforts are for naught.

Plot

I honestly am not really sure about it. Normally I use the title and the description to see if I guessed the plot. This is what I think it is your showing how depression feeds on itself until the only way out is to kill yourself. In your story it triggers the death of the female person.

Characters

We really don't learn much about her such as age or any real character traits. And part of that is the dpression haunting her or raining on her. In this story that may not matter anyway. You do show how she is battling it and losing. That is really well done!

Setting

As a reader it did take me a few lines to figure out all this was inside her mind. That's not really a bad thing as it adds to the suspense and keeps the readers attention to the story. That is what we want to achieve in our writing.

Dialog

Basically the whole story was all dialog of what was going on in her mind. you did a great job with the descriptions and the end result.

Now here is what I want to suggest that will help you improve. You like me create these complex sentences and to us they are perfect. But when you take the time to stop and read it you will find they don't flow, the emphasis is on the wrong spots etc... Like below allow me to point out some suggestions if I may.

She began to call it home, a comfort feeling of the dark overwhelming her mind and body it was something she was used to something she was starting to cope with.
Suggestion:She began to call it home. A comfort feeling of the dark overwhelming her mind and body. It was something she was used to, something she was starting to cope with.

She had decided it was time to stop, stop everything she had known to try something new to let someone else in .As <-- Spacing is very important because it makes the reader drop out of your story. Also use paragraphs as well, or it confuses the reader so they have no clue what they are reading. If you use the same word twice start a new sentence with the second repeat.
Suggestion:"She had decided it was time to stop. Stop everything she had known. To try something new to let someone else in. As"
One other suggestion is to swap out the second stop and put "quit" instead of the stop. If you break up all these really long sentences you can emphasis the descriptions and hold the readers attention better.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

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The Run-on King PDG Member

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#3930994

Review of When there is nothing to say on a topic

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there Valery Black

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

When there is nothing to say on a topic

(E)
When there is nothing to say on topic is one of my favorite poems
#1966462 by Valery Black

Personal Impression

Interesting way to say nothing. I like the imagery and the montage of illusions your trying to portray as life on planet earth.

Tone & Mood

I had trouble with tone and mood because there was nothing to say. (lol sorry I couldn't resist.)

Rhyme, Form & Flow

Since this is free style I'm looking for it to rhyme but I do expect it to have a rythem as you read it which it does. It flows well but I'm not qualified to tell you if it fits the form or not on this poem.

Emotional Impact

I found this poem fun and a good read. I enjoyed your illusions as well how to added todays technology into your pictures. Yes it had emotional impact and was very well written.

Grammar/Punctuation

Since the author controls where and how it breaks and stops. It very hard to tell a run-on from a short sentence since there all short. What I judge it by, is does any part stick out. Or does it read wrong. Nothing was out of place and it actually was easy to follow and pick up the vision the author had. Good job!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

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#3930980

Review of Perry's Last Journal Entry

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi there Irwin Writer

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Perry's Last Journal Entry

(18+)
Can keeping a journal really help keep emotions from getting out of control?
#1966483 by Irwin Writer

I promise to give a honest and unbiased view point from a readers point of view.

General Impressions

I read you story from the beginning to the end. It flowed well there was no parts the dropped me out of the story. I feel it was well written and you put a lot of time and effort into it. (Even if you didn't, don't spoil the allusion

.)

Favorite Parts

I knew she would look hot. No affection. No marital union, kissing or touching. She wasn’t hostile. Just bored and repulsed by my lust and loneliness. Our bedrooms had been separate for three years. I was resigned that divorce was inevitable. After $24,000 spent on marriage counseling, therapy and workshops, we now took solace in our friends and casual flirtations. I knew she was hoping I would have an affair. She would get everything and plunge headlong into living the life she hungered for.
I like the way you sized up the woman and set the stage for what was going to happen as you did the rest of the build up. Great job.

Plot

The title, description and plot all are on tract for what you want. I have seen a lot of misleading descriptions. It really makes the story more fun to read when everything matches.

Characters

You did a wonderful job on bring your characters to life. you didn't over describe them. You gave me just enough for my mind to take over and do its thing.

Setting

I had no trouble invisioning “Ole Steve’s” mansion or the overstocked bar complete with bartender.

Dialog

“Give me a double vodka,” I hissed at the bar tender.

“Sure buddy,” he said, his eyes riveted on the dance floor. “Have you ever seen any chic dance like that before?” he said with a smirk. “Somebody’s gonna get something good tonight.”

Nice setup for the rest of the story nothing like liquid courage to release those inner inhibitions!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

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#3930706

Review of Winter Wonderland

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there Nellafantasia

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Winter Wonderland

(E)
Was out walking and got inspired by the snow.
#1966247 by Nellafantasia

Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner

Personal Impression

I liked this short stroll down memory lane. It awoke in me some of my best memories of snowy white Christmas time. The joy I had building snowmen, the running snowball fights, the snow forts, and seeing the world covered in that soft wet white cover that nature provides.

Tone & Mood

To me the tone and mood is one of enjoyment. It know there is more but I don't have the words to describe it any better.

Rhyme, Form & Flow

You did well on it but your first stanza:
The crisp night air
Filled my nose
From the top of my head
Down to my toes
As a suggestion shouldn't head be hair?I feel that this would enhance the poem and it was the first thing that popped into my head. You how easy it is to edit someone else's work. If I had tried to write this I wouldn't have come anywhere as good as what you have done so please edit it your way.

Emotional Impact

This poem left me longing for my lost child hood looking for the snow on all the white Christmases I remember. I most of the time get snow here but then it warms up and we get a Brown Christmas. Thank you for the stroll down memory lane while we still have a bit of the snow left.

Grammar/Punctuation

You have done a great job on this. I found no grammar error or any bad punctuation.

Longing for heat
Oh what a sight
My cocoa so sweet
And just the way I like

This was my favorite part it brought back to me the old memories of my mother who always had a hot cup of cocoa with marshmallows waiting for me and my brothers. of course we would bring her snow balls to throw at us after wards. These are happy memories thank you for the memory jog!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

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#3930687

Review of We can never be together...

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi there lily1976pearl

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

We can never be together...

(18+)
Based on a true experience someone I know is going through in her life.
#1966319 by lily1976pearl

Personal Impression

I liked this work of yours. I could understand how our past haunts us. How we struggle with our past loves. After all some times we don't get the choice to love it is forced on us.

Tone & Mood

The tone is that of a person who has come to terms with the haunting and is pressing for closure. Mood is one of reflection and that she is ready to move on.

Rhyme, Form & Flow

Since this is free style I'm ignoring rhyme. It fits both from and flow for free style quite well. As a reader I had no problem reading it from start to finish.

Emotional Impact

I could see she is ready to move on now and needs the haunting to stop for her two past lovers. But the boy of 10 why is he haunting her. You didn't give me anything to go on, why is he even there.

Grammar/Punctuation

You made no mistakes that I could detect, great job with it.

We can never be together,
You a soldier who died in Iraq,
Or you who died of cirrhosis of the liver,
You who once knew my brother,
And you who said you'd rather have alcohol over me.
I loved the way you introduced us to the two main characters of the haunting. You did a great job with the descriptions and not over describing.

There may also be a boy, perhaps around 10.
I am not your Mother,
You're no longer living honey,
It's time for you to go home,
Go into the light, that's where your Mother might be at,
She's waiting for you and loves and misses you dearly.

There is nothing wrong with this section other then where did this ghost come from? I have a few questions. 1). is he related to one of the other ghosts? 2. Is he related to the girl as a brother or step brother? 3). Is he a student she taught?

My point being you made your reader curious and wanting answers to the mystery you created with this section.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

132

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14 days may be credited.

#3930641

Review of Falling off the Cliff

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi there, nice you have you here with us on WDC ShySharla

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Falling off the Cliff

(18+)
A girl has a fall trying to climb down a cliff.
#1966260 by ShySharla

General Impressions

Your story is very interesting to me. I am reviewing it as a reader. I will point out some of the parts the break a reader out of the story so you will know what to look for when you edit it or rework it. On the whole it reads well. It has the hook that draws reader into the story.

Favorite Parts

No God I wanna be with you! No God I wanna be with you! No God I wanna be with you! I woke up saying over and over again. I was so confused. I didn't know where I was. What had that dream been about? I love the way you showed how God had sent her back.
Plot Your description, title, and plot all match great job on being consistent.
Characters You did a great job of giving enough information to form the characters in our minds. It was easy to bring this story alive in our minds.
Setting You picked a beautiful landscape for us to see as you described it. You did a great job without over describing it. It flowed well and other than the two point I listed below.
Dialog You used a lot of internal dialog with the main character which enhanced this story and pressed the plot forward.

It wasn't a bad idea cause the boy was cute and he did like me bt we were both very quiet people and never talked unless asked a direct question by someone.<--- I think you meant 'but' the spell checker missed it. One of the best ways to catch these is to actually read the story out loud before you hit save or upload.

So I hurried to a place where it looked promising to climb down and maybe make it to the bottom where I would hitch hick away to anywhere but here or at my home where they were crazy and I was crazy around them. <---Looks like your joining the run-on competition. Also shouldn't 'hick' be hike. Wait until you have two books to edit for run-ons. The nice and kindly people here are helping me with my problem. A suggest from what I have been shown is:" So I hurried to a place where it looked promising to climb down. I figured I could make it to the bottom, where I would hitch hike away to anywhere, but here or at my home where they were crazy, and I was crazy around them.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group" !

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

133

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14 days may be credited.

#3929804

Review of The Follower

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there Nitin

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

The Follower

(E)
Follower of God
#1965975 by Nitin

Personal Impression

I liked the poem as a whole. You did a great job with it. I know I could never create as good a work as you did here.

Tone & Mood

An interestering way to show how our savior felt about his followers but in the end if you look at the world today your poem pretty much hits that mark.

Rhyme, Form & Flow

I am reviewing this from the reader prospective it rhymes very well it has great flow and also it did keep my interest all the way to the end.

Emotional Impact

The emotional impact I got from it was at the last part where only a faun was still there the savior would still take time to greet it.

Grammar/Punctuation

One of his follower was there waiting to be embraced.<--- Shouldn't follower be plural here even if it is meant to be singular. It stands out, my reader's mind wants that 's' in there, for some some silly reason. The irony in all this is it had to be the last line with a possible oops. It is also my most favorite line because it is the picture of the savior that I truly hold in my mind and heart of hearts.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

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#3928854

Review of The encounter

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there zaira

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

The encounter

(E)
short story
#1965371 by zaira

Plot

I enjoyed the descriptive way you kept us trying to figure out why this girl was lost in the woods around her village.

Character

You did well on Sonia. You lost me on the man.

Setting

Very good descriptions on the settings I had no trouble seeing why a shadow got lost on such a foggy bleak day.

All though since I am reviewing this as a reader. You did bore me a bit with too much description. But you really made my day when I realized a man had a female shadow. I could just picture the sexy curves this man would show off as he walked with a female shadow. Pretty funny that one, I wonder what his wife would think when she noticed the shadows curves. I would love to see that happen. I bet it would be extremely funny watching him try to explain that one!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

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135

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#3928630

Review of Matt Cutter: To Hell and back

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi there elite81! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1965320 by Not Available.

Nice job with the story!

Plot

This was an interesting build up to the nukes. I also like the ending true government fashion, sweep it under some rug and stand on it.

Character

Max was believe able to a point. Come on how many seals actually train with top gun and learn how to fly enemy migs as well our own fighter craft. Now I have you at a disadvantage I'm ex-marine who actually did navy seal training lol.

Setting

You jump around so much with all your missions, and you spend more time on the weapons shopping list, then you do describing the place where all the action takes place.

Okay here are three suggestions that would make this more Tom Clancy style. 1. The weapon's list how much effort does Tom Clancy use in give us a weapons shopping list on his missions. The reason is two fold with us vets we are under the information act and unless it is declassified we don't talk about specific weapons or their use. The second part is writing 101 if it doesn't carry forth the plot or a plot twist it is over description. A good example is a gungho marine has knife, ammo, guns, and grenades always on him. You don't need to list this. What you want to list is the extra map he picked up on his way into the jungle. Since the map was alternate escape routes, nice to know he has it.

2. Add some life to your characters instead of just going here then going there then fighting here then fighting there. An example After max says SOSDD (Same old stuff different day) You have him mumble, "As much as I would give my life for Slick I really wish he would shower at least once a day!" My point is give your character feelings make them more human than a robotic lean black fighting machine. You can have him flash back to a time him and Slick did some R&R at Hawaii or the States. You could add a growing small family or a dad etc...

3. If you notice that if you add all the other components together it wouldn't take you much to turn this into a novel you could actually use this story as your time line and sequence of events. You can fill in with vacations, family, even some romance, or drunken nights with his team. Fill us in on the team members their families etc... What you have is good but to make it better isn't that the real goal all of writers aspire to.

The other idea is you bust this up and do a full short story on each mission and fill us in on why he used all the fancy hardware you put in his shopping list. You tell us about his seal teams and with more story behind them, make them live again here on paper. We owe it to the Vietnam Vets, to make it real what they did for us, even if we have to make it all fiction! Sorry I'll jump off my soap box. If I was rude or out of line please forgive me. I still to this day flash back to the jungles and dread that word incoming. To the good side your story does bring back memories of Vietnam. I still have some funny stories I'll share with you guys about my tours of duty there.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

136

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14 days may be credited.

#3928611

Review of The Man With The Gun

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi there GroovyStella

}! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

The Man With The Gun

(13+)
Sam wants to see Miranda. But, at what cost?
#1965309 by GroovyStella

Wow I remember when I reviewed this the first time. This is awesome I'm super jealous now! I see you took the suggestions and really reworked this into a much better story. I see your muse kicked in on certain spots, and you used the suggestion not only for a few typos, but to turn it into a better piece of art. I am so proud for you! I would give you six stars for the way you improved this story!

From the reader point of view it grabbed me held me tight ran me through all the emotional roller coaster of hope and the let down death. Then back to hope for the next victim. It read smooth and wouldn't let me stop reading until I finished it. This what we all are striving so hard for in our writing: is the grabbing the attention, and keeping it until the finish.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

137

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3928519

Review of So Not Normal

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi there Cassandra

"Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

So Not Normal

(ASR)
So this is my second chapter of my book, So Not Normal. Don't forget to rate and review!
#1965236 by Cassandra

I found this chapter interesting.

Plot

Honestly I didn't see a plot, but that could be because I haven't read the first chapter. So for now, what I did notice was a bunch of short girls whom the narrator didn't much care for.

Character

Okay I like your writing style but the honest truth is your over describing the characters. Let me explain it to you from an example I read from a mini course I took. When you try to describe things like a ladies purse for example. Everyone knows pretty much what is in a ladies purse or in our case what girls look like. Now back to the purse. You only describe what is in the ladies purse that carries your plot forward. In the example of going to Dallas plot, you would put a plane ticket to Dallas in it. Why is it important to know Abby's hair cut? You're killing me in description from a readers point of view, it makes your story slow reading and hard to muddle through, and it lost my attention. Now if all of this is important for the next chapter and is part of the plot please ignore me on this. One of the ways to keep from over describing is to slowly reveal these items on your characters spread out through many chapters as you develop your story more and as they add to the plot.

Setting

Your setting was excellent I can picture in my mind the school's cafeteria. However a line early in the chapter telling us they were at school would have been helpful as well. That might be over kill, but hey it's just a suggestion. To me the reader it would help to know why we are describing all these girls at the chapters beginning is all.

"No, she's not too bad. She changed since last year, " Bridgette answered. I stand correct.<--- I'm still trying to figure out why he stands correct my minds keeps trying to tell me "I stand corrected." but another suggestion is just drop the "I stand correct." It pulls the reader out of your story and stops the flow.

Nicole is what you might a, umm, runt, I guess. (Okay it would flow better if you reworked it.) A suggestion is:"Nicole is what you might call a, umm, runt.

Addy's and exception to the rule.<--- Shouldn't the 'and' be 'an'?

I looked at self-centered spoiled brat in front of me, talking about herself again. Yup, Nicole. Okay two things that messed with my reading of the story. 1. I would put a 'the' in the line "I looked at *the* self-centered spoiled brat *named Nicole* in front of me. *Doing her most annoying thing*, talking about herself again. 2. I would add those two inserts and drop the "Yup, Nicole." The reason is if you read that sentence out loud it doesn't make sense the way it is written. I caught all these by reading it out loud. Like several reviewers of my work told me, read it out loud before exiting edit and hitting save. It really pays off big time.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

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#3928178

Review of The Noisy Boy

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi there ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing "The Noisy Boy"

. I will be reviewing it from the reader prospective only.

Character

You set up your noisy boy very well. I liked the moving all round part reminded me of my children when they were babies.

Setting

You set the stage well. I could imagine the sleeping house just before something happens.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poetry! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

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The Run-on King PDG Member

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#3927158

Review of A Wonderful Thanksgiving Eve

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie!

General Impressions I like the fact you killed the main character on a positive note.

Favorite Parts "God knows they spent many years trying to avoid your sorry parentage. Besides they don't get welfare until next week and I sure as hell ain't payin' to get that useless tribe down here."

Plot The difference between man and wife's impressions of the same thing. I love the way you used Tilly as the sarcastic spurned lover telling the sad sorted truth of a lonely mans poor life.

Characters You did Bill and his wife Tilly very true to life. the kids are still a little vage but then that would be my way of writing it also

Setting good old American suburbs. You have painted a great picture for this story's setting.

Dialog "So, thanks Bill. You finally took my good advice and pulled the trigger. ... Well, we had one or two good years but that don't nearly make up for all them bad ones. Just too bad you didn't ever work steady. Things might have turned out better." It tells the sad truth the best.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member

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#3926961

Review of Subway

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie

I want to point out that I don't hold you to professional writer standards. You end up learning more by trial and error on this site. Take for example in the spacing on your story you have up for our reviewing pleasure. I'll bet you did a quick cut and paste and forgot to put a check in the upload box to keep the spacing or use double spacing. Don't worry I think all of us have done it a few times. You have done a good job on your story and it was fun to read. But since I'm reviewing this from a readers point of view I will show you the some of the grammar problems and other issues that pull a reader out of your story. I will make suggestions as I see them but please understand I rank your story on the story its self not on all the things we newbies do in our writing as we learn and grow into professionals.

Plot

I really liked the plot in this one I had to read the whole thing to finally get it and I like the way you rubbed our noses in it.

Character

I could identify and have feelings for all three characters nice way to introduce dad to his daughter.

Setting

Other than lighting issues the setting was believable and really added to the mystery and suspense to the unfolding plot.

Earlier in your story you wrote: "That light was the brightest he’s ever seen." Next you write: "A few dim lights illuminating just enough to see and a speaker system over head playing the worst jazz he ever heard." What I am trying to point out is you go from extremely bright to dim with no explanation or something saying "as he sat still slowly the lights faded back down to a decent viewing level etc." I'm sure if people go from bright to dim they notice it and make comments on it.

Now your doing the new writer thing of over using "then". I did the same thing only in a 108,000 word book. You get to learn about it in a short story. I once read an article about it as to why it upsets the professional writers. You're telling us it happens and then it happens. It is okay to use it now and then. But you are best to avoid it unless you need a 'than'! Since 'than' doesn't talk about timed events your safe with using it. Mostly I found in editing to just cut the 'then' out in some cases 'and' works better as a replacement.

“So you believe you hear your wife’s voice. Why would hear that?” Samantha asked. Okay that second sentence is missing a word that makes it readable and makes it flow try adding "Why would 'you' hear that?" This is a common error we all do it and word processors can never catch it either. The best way to find these and any other errors like it is to read your story out loud first before saving it. I was eliminated from a contest because of this. So I learned the hard way to always read my entry's. Beside the big plus to it is this practice will make you a far better writer. You have great skills so keep on writing.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story

Whatever another person says -- especially me

-- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion

You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story

Thanks for sharing this item

I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#3926633

Review of Poetic Toxins

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am going to review your poem by using the reader point of view. I enjoyed reading your poem. What I got out of it was the pen really is mightier than a sword. After all how many swords out last the ravages of time like a good written work does. To me the reader I realized that in reality the person's mind behind the pen is what really survives. I looked at the way you had your text centered on the paper and I could see a person's head like shape that your text formed. I found it interesting that is a good way to have what this poem reflected. Now that is great art.

Inscribing a passion, my script and its regime. As a reader this word 'regime' just doesn't work for me. I think that if you use theme instead it still keeps what your trying to say if not better. Mind you that is my opinion and it was the only thing that didn't work for me in the whole poem.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#3925713

Review of Misshapen

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie!

Flow

I am going to review this work of art from the reader point of view. I cannot write poetry at all. I understand a little bit about it from 49 years in the past so I'll forgo ancient knowledge lessens and just tell you how much better you write your art then me.

I noticed your first, second and last lines all rhymed, and the third and fourth both rhymed. Until I came to the stanza listed below.

Very cruel the other kids could be
Jeered and laughed and bullied me
Until I wondered if
God had blundered
And so resolved to go and see

Notice the red 'if' it really doesn't rhyme with blundered shouldn't the next line read: "If god had blundered" then wonder rhymes with blunder. and your pattern is preserved. It probably was a glitch. I started following everyone's advice to read it out loud before I save it or transfer it anywhere for public viewing. The only trouble I have is run-ons and reading doesn't find all of them. But it sure does fix a lot of other easy to correct mistakes.

I enjoyed your poetry and you made me see some of the issues with the world on how we treat our fellow man. Your poem flowed and I could visualize this like it was a short story. It is very well written, Great job on it

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poetry! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

143

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14 days may be credited.

#3925610

Review of Why a golf ball doesn't fly?

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I read your essay

Plot

You told the idea well of how bad advice keeps you from completion or in your case from making the ball fly down the fair way.

Character

I like how you built up your main character and also the ball even giving it a deity.

Setting

You set the tee off on the golf course well. I could picture a green well trimmed fairway with trees on both sides of it With water off to the right and way down at the end sand traps as well some rough.

This was my favorite line

That he himself and also his poor scurrying golf ball were victims of bad advices, his will to obey them and his head which stayed down.

As a reader I didn't notice any errors the spacing was a little weird for an essay. But I'm not holding that against you its my place to judge that..Especially when I didn't see the check mark on double spacing and I got dinged for it. After all sometimes we all mess up on the double spacing.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

144

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14 days may be credited.

#3925585

Review of Ella and the fight 4 life

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I found your story interesting. I'm going to go out on a limb here and tell you some of my conclusions. I believe this story was written by a young person or an older writer practicing writing as a child. I'm not going to correct the grammar or tell you to capitalize your I's, or capitalize the beginnings of your sentences, or spacing.

Plot

You had a good plot leading us on an interesting chase.

Character

I can picture the little girl and her girl friend. I can even picture her candy eating dad and her missing mom.

Setting

I like how you hid the candy from dad. Especially the Kit-Cat bars, Dads really to chow down on the kids candy. I also like the way you were showing us the clues in the right places a real child would look. Also I liked the way a child could figure them out.

Normally I use this section to discuss changes but the only change I could see other than grammar and punctuation which I don't review anyway. You could leave out the phone number it doesn't add to the plot and instead say "She called her best friend" However as a point of humor you could change to 1-800 number and see how many people catch on it's a toll free number could be pretty funny.

From the readers point of view I didn't find anything really wrong with this story. As a newbie I think you are off to a great start. Please keep on writing, I would suggest you finish this story. It is a great concept and I'm hooked and want to know more.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3925099

Review of Drive-through Surgery

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

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Hi there

"Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie

I enjoyed your story and can relate to the experience.

Plot

You kept the title description as well as the story true to your plot.

Character

The character was very believable as well as the hospital staff.

Setting

I could picture myself there as well as going through the same stupid stuff.

As far as I can tell your story flows well from the reader point of view. the only glitch is when you tell about marking the right shoulder you suddenly have your self marking the left shoulder. (see below).
it took me minutes to even lift my left hand, stretch it and the IV line over my body, and begin to mark a big X on my left shoulder.

Isn't it funny when your hopped up on happy pills how easy it is to forget right from left. I'm sure it was just an oversight. The only reason I'm even showing you this. Is it tends to make the reader drop out of the story, and go back and reread the paragraph just to make sure what is going on here. You show your going for the right shoulder. It had to be that happy pill in action.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3924905

Review of The Last Survivors Of Our Race

Review by The Run-on King...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

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Hi there

"Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie

I am fascinated by this story idea. After all who hasn't wanted to be superman or wonder woman.

Plot

I was enjoying where you are taking us with this plot great job.

Character

It is sad the girl had to die but it makes what is coming more believable you are developing them well for a starter.

Setting

You know there is always something going on under the cities good setting.

This was the only oops
She was miraculously good swimmer, she swam for such a long period of time, the forced her out, in fear that she would die from lack of sleep. Shouldn't the "the" = they? or a little rewrite "They would force her out."

Now from the readers point of view it flowed nicely other then stumbling over the typo. II does what you want it to . I mean it grabbed me and I had to finish it or die trying. Even the typo couldn't stop me form finishing it. It was a great read. I want more, you have me hooked. Keep up the great work!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3924405

Review of Animal Biology

Review by The Run-on King...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I really enjoyed your story it was interesting and for the most part grabbed me in and i had to finish it.

Plot

I enjoyed how you developed the story around the plot it was well thought out.

Character

You did a great Job involving the reader with your characters.

Setting

You didn't over describe it to me. You gave me enough I could see the house and the forest.

Tracking come hunting season – that would be useful! <--- This sentence with the one before it doesn't make any sense. It is like a partial thought not finished. A better example would be: "None of that would help me learn how to track ,which is extremely useful during hunting season." The other thought I had was to just omit this sentence. The only reason I am messing with it, is it pulled me out of the story. I had to stop because it doesn't make sense to me the reader. Once I got into the next paragraph the story flowed all the way to the end.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3923615

Review of When Sylvie Sang

Review by The Run-on King...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! This story was very interesting I'm still wonder why she had to rain on her books. You wrote it well. It flowed so well, if there was any typos, who cares it read so easy and well.

Plot

You wrote it very well and you kept to the plot. Your descriptions matched it as well.

Character

I felt bad for the poor guy that fell in love with her to bad she had to leave him. All your characters were believable and enhanced the story plot.

Setting

Very good job making us live in the bar and in the apartment complex.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

149

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#3923252

Review of Honeymoon in Mars - Episode2

Review by The Run-on King...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I enjoyed your story.

Plot

The plot for the chapter was amusing. But very well done your description for the chapter match the plot.

Character

Your characters for the chapter were well written very believable it added to the suspense as well.

Setting

I had a llttle trouble with it at first. Were we talking about Earth oceans or a Mars with a large ocean interesting I figured it out finally. I don't think it was you so much as me since I haven't read your first chapter.

Jason: Hello, Mr.Stevens , myself Jason, this is my friend Edward.We actually want a written permit to visit Articus. <-- I listed this because it totally pulled me out of the story it just doesn't make sense when you read it. This is missing words or it needs to be re-written. Like all the other writers tell me to do, read it out loud before pressing upload. You would be surprised how many errors you can catch that way.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3923235

Review of DELUSIONAL

Review by The Run-on King...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! You did a great job with less than 300 word story.

Plot

It was a nice short plot nicely done.

Character

You made them come alive with such few words. You gave me enough information to make them live in my mind as the story progressed.

Setting

You created a great image of the hospital room and of the action as your story progressed Great job.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .