The Run-on King PDG Member's (gungunwarrior) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

459 Public Reviews Given

462 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I like to give a fair honest review on anything. I believe in giving every review a custom review and not a cookie cutter. I will point out all the mistakes as well as offer or show help to fix it.

I'm good at...

In depth reviews. I check flow, some grammar if it pulls the reader out of the story. I also check consistency, characters are they real, believable, or fake. I check your plot, theme, and look for flaws. I enjoy both tell and show having grown up reading tell all my life. I will help with ideas on what could make the story or chapter better.

Favorite Genres

I love comedy, sci-fi, fantasy, mysteries, and horror.

Least Favorite Genres

poetry

Favorite Item Types

Short stories

Least Favorite Item Types

poetry

I will not review...

Bad poetry because I really don't know enough to help them fix it. Besides I really wouldn't know good poetry from bad. With all the different styles and structures what might not be bad at all. To me would be so rather then stick foot in mouth and chew vigorously. I would tell you the truth and say I suck at poetry and not disappoint one of the great people here on WDC.

76

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3948914

Review of Flight 493

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi there Michael Fricke

}! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Flight 493

(13+)
Walken is forced to make drastic measures when his aircraft is hijacked by his best friend
#1974073 by Michael Fricke

I would like to take the time to welcome you to WDC. (Writing Dot Com) I hope your finding the site to your liking. There are a lot of nice friendly people here always willing to help. If i can be of any help please feel free to ask me.

General Impressions

The story was a great read. It was interesting enough to hold my attention to finish it.

Favorite Parts

The wail of the engines now fills the air, and its pitch increases as I drive the thrust lever forward. We begin to roll across the runway, slowly gaining speed. I advance another one of the throttle handles, and the whole aircraft gives a little kick, as if shifting gears. The outside world is now a blur, and I watch the airspeed dial carefully. The aircraft rumbles and vibrates slightly, and I know she is eager to touch the sky. I really like this part because you did such a good job of describing man and machine getting ready to fly.

Plot

Most short stories we use the title, the description, and read the story to figure out the plot. The title didn't do much for the plot personally but in truth it doesn't matter too much it wasn't confusing to the reader so it's fine. The story and description match as the plot was about killing a best friend.

Characters

I liked all your characters. I didn't think you over did or under did them I think you gave me enought to picture them as you needed me to so the story was interesting for me to read it all the way through. I did have a small confusion on ten years versus five years until I figured out it was for two different characters You might want to drop one like the ten years and it would still work great.

Setting

You did an excellent job on the settings of your airplane as well as for your action.

Dialog

You did a really great job on the first person point of view from the main character it was all dialog and you used it well.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation

"Russian Prime Minister needs me in for business. Not permitted to talk about-“<---This is just a suggestion is why put the - why not just put "it" and end it.

“Well,” He says with a wave of his hand. “Best get to seat. Nice talk to you!” <--- shouldn't that be (Best be getting to my seat) and (Nice talking to you!) The only reason I am pointing this out is you started out the dialog on this character speaking normally as a highly trained professional diplomat there fore he would speak like a pro and not like someone just learning to speak English.

I tell him sternly. “What’s going on down there?”<--- Okay think point of view all the captain really sees is the door so behind the door is a hall way on the top floor he really would say "out" instead of down. I'm only pointing this out because as a reader it pulled me out of your story.

A series of four beeps sound, and James informs me that all of the fans are operating smoothly. <--- Shouldn't that be engines you used engines earlier its all part of being consistent.[/c}

It isn’t every day you are forced to kill your best friend. <-- You say this three times in the story, or so it seems to me. My suggestion is drop one of them preferably the last one as that was the one that dropped my attention from the story and going what does it prove I have seen this quite a few times already.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

77

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3948843

Review of Little Did He Know

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there ! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing {bitem:}

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

My general impression was it started out very interesting you had me drawn in by your description then the story grabbed me and kept me there until the last. You did a really great job on the writing you put a lot of thought into it as well. I wish I could give you a five star on it but I cannot just yet.

Favorite Parts

Outside his two daughters threw leaves at each other wildly, strewing across the yard hours of work. He laughed. They had just returned home from school as the air began to chill in that delicious way only Fall can muster. I enjoyed the descriptive scenery. I too love the fall and playing in the leaves as both a child and as a father, it is so easy to relate to your main character.

Plot

your plot was easy to figure out by the title, description aswell as reading the story you did a great job with all of it.

Characters

You know I felt you did a great job on them. You didn't give me a shopping list of details you just gave enough details for my mind to do all the work. It made the story flow and was interesting because you tricked me into making it interesting by allowing me to fill in the blanks in my own way. Example:"William sat comfortably in the plush green easy chair." See "William" nothing more I filled in a man sitting in that chair.

Setting

You transitioned well from outside the house to inside with the daughters. William was always in the house he never left it. Example:" Panic briefly flared in his chest when he heard the sound of sneakers against the old wooden floors."

Dialog

This was told in third person it was all dialog you used it well also the dialog between the children and the father was done well.

Presentation

This part if you just writing for fun or using the site for storage please ignore. Now if your serious about getting noticed or working on being a pro. Your story should look like it was in a published book. With indents on paragraphs line space between speech and paragraphs. It just takes a little extra time due to the way Writing ML uploads into the system your document. But it makes a real difference and this is one way to tell the pros from the novices.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation

The it was over and the room became very still. <--- It would read better this way example: It was over and the room became very still.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

78

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3948814

Review of The Wizard's Choice

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there sqdsqd

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

The Wizard's Choice

(E)
A wizard must decide, save himself or save the world. Only 100 words long!
#1974019 by WritingNoob14

General Impressions

Interesting story nicely done in the short amount of words used. I see a lot of potential about spin offs of this for future stories. I see you met the short story criteria. It must start out normal, build up to a conflict and then resolve it. Very nice job of writing.

Favorite Parts

The magic flowed through his body as he created a beam of purple energy in his palm. I like this part mostly for the way you hooked me into reading it, next it is leading to the conflict thus meets the starting qualification. Very nicely done.

Plot

The plot short as it was was good one the wizards choice.

Characters

There was only one character you really didn't have a lot of room for more. You didn't force us to limit our imagination. As far as I know it was Harry Potter doing the magic.

Setting

There wasn't much in the room, just him and a fire place. It was definitely not a regular fireplace though. It glowed green instead of orange and small whispers could be heard coming from it. I showed these because you were setting up the stage with a room and a green demon gate fire place. We knew exactly where we were and what the action was going to be about.

Dialog

You told this in third person, it was all dialog. You used your diaglog well

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation

I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor but it is true!)

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

79

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3948247

Review of jacob and megan ch 1 1/2

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi there Goodnite-n-go

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

jacob and megan ch 1 1/2

(13+)
these two siblings need some help potty training
#1973666 by Goodnite-n-go

Welcome to WDC. I hope you are finding your way around the site pleasant. You will meet the friendliest and nicest people here always willing to help. If I can be of help Please feel free to ask.

General Impressions

Well it was short lol. But what are doing with this since it is a chapter.

Favorite Parts

Jacob was reluctant but figured it was better than waking up in a soaked bed. Best sentence of them all.

Plot

It's not a short story so we might not see it start to show up until other chapters.

Characters

Started out ok with the two little kids and the mother.

Setting

bathroom only you never have them change scenes directly just a note they came out and slept in bed.

Dialog

your telling this from a narrator point of view which is fine right now it's third person voice.

His mother stretched out the goodnite in front of him, jacob stepped in the leg hoes and his mother slid the goodnite up his body until the top of the goodnite was near his belly button. <--- We always Capitalize names should be 'Jacob.' Never knew that they made hoes for children's legs. Shouldn't that be 'holes?'

he then went to the mirror in the bathroom and examined himself. <--- Starting the head of a sentence should always be capitalized should be 'He.'

Okay you asked for ideas. Well If I was writing a book or novel etc... The first thing I decide on is what do I want to write, who is my audience I'm writing to, and thirdly what market is there for this work. Now to be honest I have never read a story about bed wetting. I'm an adult I don't have that problem and even if I did it would be a medical issue and "depends' for seniors will work just fine for me. Your real market would be children especially if you tailor this as a how to stop bed wetting.

However I have a creative mind my take on this would be to set it up so Jacob wets the bed really bad and all mom finds is really soaked bed and a missing child. His sister wants to save him so she starts to wet the bed and the bed wetting Monsters come and grab her. The two make their way out from under ground back home after spending time down there with all kinds of adventures. Again the market being children.

Now the other take I have on this is dark the father is always sneaking in his room with a big shiny knife and that is why he is wetting the bed. This builds up until the dad snaps and tries to kill his whole family. now this market would be adult horror action/adventure market if you can add a lot of mystery in the mix you can gain more of a market.

Last idea is the bed wetting is a right of passage that happens for three months then the kid gets his powers and all hell breaks loose. This of course is the sci-fi/fantasy market and if you word it right mystery as well as action/adventure.

I hope this helps after all you did ask.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

80

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3947970

Review of Magic: The Clash of Two Powers

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there WritingNoob14

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Magic: The Clash of Two Powers

(E)
Epic battle between Dragon and Wizard! Thrilling battle between the strongest creatures!
#1973614 by WritingNoob14

Welcome to WDC. I hope your finding your stay here enjoyable. There are a lot nice friendly people here. If you need any help please feel to ask.

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

I love dragons. I write about them now and then. I like how you built up your story with the short amount of words, and how it meets the short story qualifications. You began The conflict with the dragon landing and looking majestic. The conflict rages as each side defends against attack. The great ending of the conflict, one roasted wizard.

Favorite Parts

Recovering from his shock, the wizard created a beam of pure energy and sent it at the dragon. The dragon tried to jump away from the beam but it's attempt was in vain. The bolt connected with the dragons leg. The dragon bellowed, the screech caused the wizard to collapse to his knees, covering his ears, shattering his heat protection enchantment. As it's leg began to knit itself up the dragon sent a wave of magma at the wizard. The wizard was too slow to cast another enchantment. The wizard had been defeated. The reason I like this part is the way you described the heat of battle and how you brought the battle to a climax and it's abrupt ending.

Plot

Normally the way plot is done for short stories is by description, title, and read the story. Now your story and title match for the plot of a clash of two magic powers a wizard and a dragon. But your description has nothing to do with this story. When I did something similar a judge explained it to me that with short stories. We can put notes above the title with things like word count, reviewing instructions, contest prompts, etc. They don't count as part the story. You want to use the description as the means to sell the story. When editors and such are looking for material that is what they look at.

Characters

For the word limit you did really well with giving us just enough to use our imaginations to breath life into the two characters you used.

Setting

With what you gave me I could envision a high mountain plateau as this major battle took place. You didn't do anything to distract from the setting. Good job.

Dialog

Since this was written in third person it was all dialog. You used your dialog well to advance the story and plot to it's ending.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

81

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3947809

Review of Gift for Natalie

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi there Charlie ~

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

STATIC

Gift for Natalie

(13+)
It's Natalie and Paul's tenth anniversary, so why doesn't she want her gift?
#1973640 by Charlie ~

General Impressions

Very interesting take on the story Charlie. Nicely written. I liked how you included the prompt into it as well.

Favorite Parts

"I pulled my ski mask and leather gloves out of the duffel bag on the floor. Just in case." and "That’s pretty far to drag someone who’s kicking and screaming. I shook the thought away. You’re being negative again. It won’t come to that. But I had some duct tape and rope back in my car, just in case." I enjoyed these because they gave me hints that the husband wasn't all he seemed to be or in his right mind.

Plot

For short stories we use the title, description, and read the story to see how confused we get. The title says Gift for Lovely. Who is Lovely is she Natalie? If so you should rename the title to: Gift for Natalie. Next point is a judge once told me on one of my entries to put the prompt and the word count after the title and before the story. Use the description to sell the story like you would for an editor to buy it. The prompt and word count do not count as the word count of the story.

Characters

You set us up with women to distract us with their bad husbands so you didn't need to detail them in pretty good trick. And it worked quite well. you don't go into great details thus allowing the reader to fill in the blanks.

Setting

You did a bit on details here setting up your stages for the ending. You didn't over describe it. Nice job on it.

Dialog

You did a great job in using the dialog to advance your plot if stalker killer on a anniversary. Example: “Anniversary? What anniversary. We were never together, you psycho.” She backs up, reaching behind her for something, probably a weapon, but there are none.

In closing The judges will be looking for correct format of line spacing between speech lines and paragraphs

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

82

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3947616

Review of Addiction

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there TheUnrelliableNarrator

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Addiction

(E)
The Resurrection of a cigarette
#1973586 by TheUnrelliableNarrator

I want to take the time to welcome you to WDC. I hope your finding your stay here pleasant. You will find the nicest most helpful people here. If I can be of any help please feel free to ask.

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

You know I never thought about the effects that nicotine has on the brain. Since I am violently allergic to cigarettes. I try to stay away from them as much as possible. You point out one of the main reasons they are so addictive and a good piece of information to know.

Favorite Parts

He felt a strange calmness within. Ideas were swirling through the brain. Nothing too clear, nothing too bright. But their very existence gave him some pleasure. The reason I like this is this is a great description on smoking I have ever seen and I like the way you describe it.

Plot

The plot does follow your description and title. "He lit the cigarette, and took one huge puff of smoke."

Characters

You never really told us about this specific character. I just filled it in with the Marlboro Man sitting on his horse watching the clouds as you told me your story.

Setting

You never set up a stage for us to use so my view of the smoking man on a horse watching the sky works just as well as a setting.

Dialog

I liked your handle it actual fit as the teller of this story on addiction. You told this as third person so it was all dialog.

Presentation

The only thing that kept me from giving you a five star was your presentation. This looked like a new writer piece even if it was well written with no errors. Now if your writing for fun or just using the site for storage ignore this next part. Now on to what I am trying to point out. If you open up any book do you see how it is presented to you to read? This is what the pros judge your writing on.

Does the sample of your best resemble the standard they are looking for? It doesn't because it is not in the standard book fashion. Indented paragraphs and actual paragraphs with line spacing between them. Now I have to tell you I liked reading this the way it was. You put in the line spacing so it wasn't all run together. But even with that it's not in a format that will get you noticed or have editors take a second look. Remember being a professional is an attitude not a degree someone hands you.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

83

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3947441

Review of How to promote website. Methods.

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi there rasstrigasss

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

How to promote website. Methods.

(E)
Create your website and post it to the Internet - it can be said , only half the battle .
#1973514 by rasstrigasss

General Impressions

For the most part you are correct. But you forgot about spiders and all the free search engines as well as the pay search engines. For a general article you still have to include them.

Favorite Parts

Create your website and post it to the Internet - it can be said , only half the battle . I liked this part because your telling the real truth about the big "put it up they will come" lie.

Presentation

Lets get to the meat of things. For a friendly letter or a to help out a buddy it is okay. If your just writing this as a fun piece then ignore the rest as it doesn't apply here. If your writing to one day sell add copy or advertisement or any other professional writing then this is for you to help you be that pro. A professional piece looks like a page out of a book not this triple spaced thing. The next point is all pros use indenting as well. I will also show some coloration for sub titles after the grammar section. Pros don't put smiley faces as periods either. You use them in text messages not in professional work.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling

You did well on the writing part but your punctuation needs a little more attention. You put spaces before all your commas example: "with visitors ," and periods as well. These are proper nouns and you do capitalize them. Example:"Google, Yandex, Rambler, and others."

Now allow me to show the way you would do this for a magazine article:

The Basic Rules of Website Promotion are:

Website Promotion Rules:
First, you must make the semantic core of the site, or to draw up a list of key phrases for which you will untwist the site.

Methods of Website Promotion:
Secondly, it is necessary to conduct an internal website optimization according to the key demands.

How to Promote Your Website:
Thirdly, it is necessary to undertake an external site optimization according to the key demands. You try to get the maximum number of links to your site from other sites with similar themes, and in the text of these links should be present key phrases for which you want to optimize.

Any word processor has the color ability for text. Notice the difference in it, verses what you had before. In closing your information and the writing was good. Try reading it out loud before saving it. You would have caught most of the errors that way.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

84

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3947419

Review of My Treasured Everett Piano

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there QueenOwl ~ A New Day Dawns

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

My Treasured Everett Piano

(E)
How I Handled a Disaster Involving my Firstborn and a Family Heirloom
#1973335 by QueenOwl ~ A New Day Dawns

Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner(/b}

General Impressions I found your story interesting and entertaining. It was very well written.

Favorite Parts Both girls were beside themselves, fearful, shaking and pale. Amazingly, I found not a shade of anger in me towards them. Instead, my heart melted. I stepped back and thought: Two teenage girls hauling a 500-pound gorilla of a piano. Who would believe it? I like this section because it has two major points of plot and story. It shows how mom understood that two girls really were not to blame for this. It showed the plot part that mom wasn't going to blame them or get angry and would stand up to dad for them.

Plot The title, description and the story all matched. you stayed true to your plot.

Characters You didn't really over describe the characters you gave us just enough to allow or imagination's to fill in all the rest. Example: "April-Joy’s boyfriend, Jeremy, and a couple of guys helped her haul the piano to the auditorium, twelve miles away, and that night she won the talent contest with her rendition of “The Moonlight Sonata.” She also came away with the most trophies."

Setting You used and always let us know where we were and why we were there. Nice writing on that part. Example: "I had to make up my mind whether I should stay to put up with him or proceed to the party. Well, I figured he needed time and space to cool off, so I took off with Kara and Gemma. When we got to the party,"

Dialog You used your dialog well to both tell the story and advance the plot.
Example:
“It fell.”

"Fell, where?”

“Off the pick-up truck, on their way home.”

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a newbie of The Paper Dagon Gang."

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

85

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3947173

Review of His problem

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: 13+

| (1.0)

Hi there courtney wade

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie of The Talent Pond! I am reviewing

His problem

(13+)
its about a man with a drinking problem
#1973356 by courtney wade

Personal Impression

I liked this section the most. It gives any good father motivation to change. but she crawls up and says daddy I love you and
this you know but daddy you hurt me with the way you go you go in the
corner and we don't see you for weeks it's as if we never ever
speak daddy please stop for me and mum because what you are doing is
so wrong.

Tone & Mood

The mood is about overcoming alcohol and how love of a child conquers all.

Rhyme, Form & Flow

This was supposed to be free style. You have triple spacing, run together blobs. There is no art form in this. I felt like I was playing hide and go seek when trying to read a work of art.

Emotional Impact

You did provoke two emotional impacts in me with this work. The first one was the fairy tale came true for the daughter. Well if you read the lines above in Form you can guess the other one.

Presentation

You know if your only writing for fun and just sticking some work here then please ignore this section. If your serious about a writing career and want to produce real art. You need to do the basics you follow a format even free style has a professional format. When you follow it your sentences take up shapes such as the daughter or the drunk you never know. I have seen this in a lot of the free style poetry here. You put in the correct line spacing between each stanza. I have reviewed your work before I was shocked to see this from you. I know you do a lot better work than this. I have read it. You have great potential as a writer. Your word crafting is very good but the presentation here is not up to your normal standards.

Grammar/Punctuation

If you look at this blob of text it is just that a blob, no punctuation at all. Free style does use standard punctuation. It likes a title match for my title "The Run-on King." I still have you beat I have over 228,000 words of run-on.

He watches his little girl
stumble and quiver as she watches her dad drink and quiver, he wants
to break a habit but the truth really hurts so instead he lays his
head down on his bed but she crawls up and says daddy I love you and
this you know but daddy you hurt me with the way you go you go in the
corner and we don't see you for weeks it's as if we never ever
speak daddy please stop for me and mum because what you are doing is
so wrong

3 months later and he is clean <--- The numbers are always written out should have been 'Three.'

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You are being reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

86

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14 days may be credited.

#3946535

Review of The Wrong Man

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there MzSnowleopard

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

The Wrong Man

(E)
IFW # 01 A 500 word character description of someone I knew.
#1973020 by MzSnowleopard

Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your stay here. I have found the people here are nice and very friendly. They are always willing to help you out. If I may be of any help please ask me anytime.

General Impressions

Isn't it amazing how we see other people. I agree with you from the way you described him he was not the person for you. He probably wasn't going to be right for most women.

Favorite Parts

This silver haired Scorpio prided himself like an arrogant peacock. He had a telltale way of standing when he lied; squaring back his shoulders with his head up and chin tucked; he’d suck on his cigarette, holding it with two fingers pinched together. He did this quite often and many wondered if he even knew what the truth was. That was quite an observation you made about him I enjoyed the detail and how you restrained from getting sarcastic as well as making it sound netural at the same time. I know you had deep feelings about this after all the jerk broke your heart as well as being a drain on your hard work and good name.

Plot

I debated with myself if I should just cut this part out of the review. Until I read the title and the description and the story. It does have a plot to describe this wrong man in your life. You did this extremely well.

Characters

You had three in this work Bill, Brian, and you. We learned all about Bill and even a bit about you, but who the heck is Brian and what part in this does he play?

Setting

you set your stages well I was never lost or caught a scene switch unexpectedly. You did very well on that part.

Dialog

You used your dialog well since it was all dialog told in first person.

Presentation

This part if your just writing for fun or using the site a storage you can ignore. If your looking for recognition and getting published here is what little I know about it. Two things line spacing is the first one. A pro always make their work look like a published copy. No one likes reading blobs of run together text. Second part is your description. If a publisher or agent or even an e-zine editor looking for a quick short to add to their publication saw this what do you think they would do? What they are looking for is descriptions that draw you in and entice you to read this story.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

87

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3946500

Review of Coming Out: Neo-Marksism

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there Ill Mecca

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Coming Out: Neo-Marksism

(E)
An article about being a wrestling fan as an adult in today's world.
#1973013 by Ill Mecca

Welcome to WDC. I hope your finding things to your liking here. This is one of the few places where we have the nicest people always willing to help out anyone. If I can be of service please feel free to ask me anytime.

Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner(/b}

General Impressions At first I was indifferent about reading this. As I got into it I began to truly read it. I'm glad I did. I can remember when we used to watch wrestling both as a family and individually. I still like Hulk Hogan both as an actor and a wrestler. You did a great job with this piece.

Favorite Parts I have a better idea of what’s important in life, and at the risk of sounding too philosophical, I tell you that everyone is unique. Some of us embrace that, and others hide it. What kind of life will you have if you hide the things you love from yourself? For me, this is wrestling. For others it may be being a Yankee fan in Boston, or loving Country Music in the roughest of neighborhoods. I like this part because you showed us as we all really are. We all have different likes and dislikes. We should embrace what and who we are and not let the worldly view take it away from us.

Plot You know sometimes in articles and in a short story finding the plot is difficult. I looked to the title and to the description to give me the needed clues. According to both and on reading the article you stayed on your plot. Great job on this.

Characters There really was only one character, you and your relationship to the plot.

Setting The settings followed your area of your topic well. You never over describe any area or settings. Example: In 2008, I went to the Royal Rumble at Madison Square Garden.

Dialog You told the whole story from first person it was all dialog you used it well to tell you memories and opions that you were wanting to share with us. You really did a great job.

Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation You know I had to get a great big magnifying glass. You know the one that takes two hands to use just to find these errors.

Being proud to love wrestling, however, is something with which is have struggled in the past.<--- This sentence doesn't make sense to me the reader. A suggestion would be: "Being proud to love wrestling, however, is something with which I have struggled with in the past.

For other’s it may be being a Yankee fan in Boston, or loving Country Music in the roughest of neighborhoods. <--- Other's should be others.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a newbie of The Paper Dragon Gang."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

88

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3945981

Review of CREATE BELIEVE AND ACHIEVE

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi there sai

! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

CREATE BELIEVE AND ACHIEVE

(E)
do what you must to open your eyes
#1972855 by sai

Welcome to WDC. I hope your enjoying your stay here. There are a lot of nice and friendly people here. They are always willing to help anyone who asks.

General Impressions

I agree with your point. Why hasn't someone done something well because when your fighting a governing body they tend to lock you up for things like being a terrorist etc... If your upset with Obama well just wait he can now never be re-elected again in anyone's life time. But as my next to youngest child pointed out who really engineered this mess? We should have cleaned out all those politicians like we started to do. We wouldn't be complaining now would we.

Favorite Parts

That should be the world if someone does something find the mistakes and correct them so that someone can find your mistakes too. I liked this part I found it so ironic. Isn't fixing your mistakes yours and gods problem.

Dialog

You had quite a few compelling reasons for your feelings on the condition our world is in. But like the politicians who were shutting down the government in protest. Did even one put forth a bill to change the situation? You want change all of us do but what is your plan to stop it all and fix the mistakes?

Grammar and Spelling

}CREATE BELIEVE AND ACHIEVE <--- Remove the '}' at the front and add commas it should read like this: CREATE, BELIEVE, AND ACHIEVE

7 billion people, not even 1 to stand up and tear the mask of off the blood sucking government and others, alleged promises and empty shells. <--- Numbers should always be written out: Seven billion and even one.

There's a saying that goes like this, "if u want something to be done do it yourself" and do it yourself u should. <--- Since this is not a text message to a friend in proper writing you always spell out 'you.'

For Lucifer was one's an angel, he was cast out of heaven because he stood up where his brother's didn't he showed courage, maybe the god's way was the right one. <--- Shouldn't that be once not one's and the 'the' is not needed here.

My dad always says "if he can do it u can do better" and better will I do!<--- Again 'u' for you.

Presentation

Now if your writing this for fun just ignore my tips and help as it will never apply. But if your serious as a writer, take a real look at this article. Would you read it if you chanced upon it? Professionalism is an attitude that professional writers practice. They know when to use text speech and when not to, as well as using indents on paragraphs, and separating paragraphs with line spacing.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

89

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3945941

Review of Permanent Solution

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there its_just_me

}! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Permanent Solution

(E)
A man no longer sees the point of life, and this is his story.
#1972780 by its_just_me

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

Actually I'm not into suicide so not I'm not going get as caught up in it as you did lol. I'm more into trying to dodge space cannon blasts of pure destructive energy. But I am trying my hand in dark death and the like. I decided to see what had you so excited about this. I liked the story as a whole. I think you did a good job on writing it.

Favorite Parts

I rejoice at the silence that fills my mind. The pure peace that grasps at me as my body becomes heavy. I'm tired, but I don't know why. I slip off of the edge of the bathtub and lie myself onto the floor. I can't form a coherent thought. Why? I'm so tired. I feel something clenched in my hand, but I don't know what it is. I lift my arm, marveling at how heavy it is, like it's made of stone. There's an orange bottle. A pill bottle. Why am I grasping an empty pill bottle? I let it fall out of my hand as my arm drops back to the floor. The pure exhaustion is taking over. Maybe I should just take a quick nap. I liked this part, because I really enjoyed the artistry of your descriptions on the guys body shutting down as it approaches death.

Plot

Please allow me to explain how we normally determine plot for short stories. We read the title and the description and then read the story to see how confused we get. To be honest your description doesn't match your story. What real fun is it to die before your time. The point I want to make is if your writing for the fun of it, the description is cool. If your writing to get noticed or published you really want to make it the selling point of this story. This is your moment to shine as an artist. You stayed true to your plot and title with the suicide.

Characters

You know I actually liked meeting this poor man. I didn't like his boss either. But his wife leaving and not learning much for the reason of why she turned on him. This would have enriched the story. It would have really shown us why this impact on his life was so hard to take. I can take the sons position but without knowing really why his mother left dad. You don't know if the son is on mom's side or why he hates his father. Parents you did well there a lot of times they only think of themselves. Especially in today's times.

Setting

You did well on telling us where we were at and what we are doing at each place. You did a great job on this.

Dialog

You told this story as first person so it was all dialog. Example: "My wife, who told me she never wants to see me again. She told me she could never love a man like me, no matter how much better I got. My parents, who wouldn't even speak to me anymore." I actually liked the story and you did an amazing job on a lot of the descriptions.

Presentation

Now the part that I use to point out to you something most of us don't think about. If your just writing for fun you should ignore this part. If your interested in getting published you should look at that run together mess of text. By creative use of indents and line spacing between paragraphs marks the difference between the pros and novice. I found being a published profession and a novice is an attitude. A pro always presents his work as a professional would. Think about it, what would you rather read a massive blob of text, or something that resembles a book in looks and appearance?

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

90

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3944719

Review of The Monastery

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi there tinydancer12 ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

The Monastery

(13+)
Daily Flash Fiction Challenge. Trespassing to visit a mysterious place.
#1972381 by Paranoid Working Parent

Welcome to WDC. I hope your enjoying your stay here. You should find a lot of friendly helpful people here always willing to help out a newbie.

General Impressions

Since this in in the review mix to "Read a Newbie." I'm not a judge nor am I going to give any judging criteria. Manly because I'm reviewing it as a reader not a judge.
Now as a reader I found it entertaining and interesting. I was interested in what you were hinting at with the: "unopened bottles of the luminous alcohol." I wondering what mischief those two were up to?

Favorite Parts

A flashlight flickered in front of us, causing me to jump and grab hold of Nik's arm with knuckles turning as white as the moon above. I like this part because it showed several things to me the reader. One it was the climax the story was building up to. Second you have a lot of action going on and last point was it was well written.

Plot

Ok on any short story the title, description and reading the story to see how confused we get. You did a great job they all match up.

Characters

we still don't who or what the character telling the story. We do know a bit about Nik you did a great job with Nik.

Setting

the setting was well done as well not over described. Example: We reached the aged entrance, with broken stones, centuries old, gathered around in aimless piles, and we stopped and stood still, feeling awkwardly out of place.

Dialog

You did a great job of using dialog to advance your story and the plot. Example:"The monastery! Come on, lets go!" "What you are doing is illegal!" "Quick run!"

In closing I wish you luck on this story I rate it four point five stars!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

91

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3944685

Review of Mans best hope

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi there Ian Blake

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Mans best hope

(18+)
the new navy based on the rifts table role playing game
#1972369 by Ian Blake

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

This looks like a small piece of your story that got cut off in the upload. It looks like the first draft of the beginning chapter. I did like what there was of it. You are starting it out building up to the conflict and the story has my interest. Your characters are starting to get interesting. I gather the submarine is not really a sub but a much larger vehicle with air support groups housed in it. I am looking forward to reading more on it.

Favorite Parts

The ship board routine is very close to the real deal on submarines.

Plot

For short stories we tell plot by title, description and reading the story. Since this is a piece of a larger work. It has plot components according to the description.

Characters

In a larger work it is hard to tell if your over describing right now because we are just meeting them.

Setting

The setting of a submarine was done well. Alarm sounded for submersion" all hands off deck" the voiced called over ship wide intercom.

Dialog

Listen private, you will get all the action you can handle soon enough," Nightwing said "we are entering the demon sea in a few hours. My guess it will be slavers. you used your dialog to start building the action soon to come as well as advance your plot.

Presentation

Some times loading things into our portfolio can be a real pain. I find the small fine print very hard to read. I found a way to fix it was to do {size:3.5} at the beginning and {/size} at the end of the volume of the text. This makes it very readable to all. I understand that this a first draft. I know we all make typo's but this work really isn't ready to be viewed if you have hopes of getting published or recognized.

Grammar and Spelling

The ocean was calm and the skies clear." we(The quotes should start two spaces behind the period and the w in we should be capitalized) have been on patrol for a week now, and not so much as a giant shark to dispatch "Noah complained" When(Should read:dispatched." Noah complained,"When) are we going to get some action? "Noah is a young Irish lad barley out of basic training he just celebrated his 17th(should read seventeenth) birthday. He is approximately 5'10 "(Should read five foot ten inches) in height with green emerald eyes. He speaks with a heavy Irish drawl he likes drinking and carrying on he is enlisted as a fighter pilot and was one of the best in his class.Looks like your trying to compete for my title "The Run-on King."

"Listen private, you will get all the action you can handle soon enough," Nightwing said "we are entering the demon sea in a few hours. My guess it will be slavers."

These are just some of the errors I found there are more. If you have problems reviewing your work. This is why all of us review each others work. I would suggest you join up with "The Newbie Academy" or other groups we are all here to help each other.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

92

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3944634

Review of Cora, Queen of the Universe

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there Dawn

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Cora, Queen of the Universe

(E)
About my cat
#1972361 by Dawn

I would like to welcome you to the site. I hope your enjoying your stay here. You should find the people friendly and willing to help out.

General Impressions

I read your cat story because I am the slave of two cats. Stormy the Grey and Ninja the White. Miss Stormy likes to jump up here and block the keyboard every time I try and do a review.

Favorite Parts

My cat thinks she is the queen of the universe her name is Cora. She thinks everything around the apartment is hers. For instance, my medical alert button, she hasn't pressed the button yet but I just know she will one of these days. I think you describe the cat's attitude pretty much in those sentences.

Plot

We use the title, and description and read the story to see how confused we get. Everything matched so there was no confusion.

Characters

You have left me tongue tied trying to tell you that: where did you tell what kind of cat Cora is, her coloration. The funny looks they give us now and then etc... The other minor characters you did great just enough for us to imagine them without over describing them. You did great on all of the characters. Some of us readers like more detail on our main character.

Setting

You gave us great descriptions on your apartment and how Cora likes to get around.

Dialog

Since your telling this in first person it is all dialog. You did a great job of telling us about your cat. we learned some of your fears as well as tricks you have tried to over come them with Cora.

Presentation

Normally I would explain or rant about being a professional here but what I wanted to get across is look at the way we get to see your story as it sits. It is just one run together blob. If it had a line space between paragraphs and indents on the paragraphs think how much better it would look. If I had any hopes of being picked out for a book contract or public recognition I would not want them to see my work like that. You write good enough to be a pro why not take the time and show the rest of the world the true pro you really are.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

93

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3944616

Review of Worthless

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi there Broken

}! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Worthless

(13+)
Now she's gone
#1972317 by Broken

I would like to take the time to welcome you to the site. I hope you enjoy the stay here. If you need any help please feel free to ask.

General Impressions

I understand your trying to show how women feel about themselves and why it drives them to suicide. Isn't it amazing how depression and our loved ones help us to generate these feelings.

Favorite Parts

Hopelessness. She feels as if she is in the bottom of a deep dark hole. Full of pain and sorrow. I liked this part because it describes best what she is feeling that is driving her to death just to end this pain.

Plot

We tell plot by reading the title, description, and the story to see how confused we get. You didn't confuse me at all the title and description was done well it describe a plot of death.

Characters

You really didn't describe the female at all, the only thing about her is she has some religious believes. I'm not saying you did it wrong. I'm just showing what this reader found when he read your story. I could go on and say adding in some details about the female would make the work more interesting. But the truth is it doesn't matter that much when your trying to show us reasons why. The character description doesn't really matter.

Setting

She knows that she is stuck here. She is going to stay in her deep dark hole. You set your stage well.

Dialog

Since this was told in first person it is all dialog.

Presentation

Below I put your blob of text and organized it. Even though it was small, isn't amazing what indents and spacing will do to it. Now I want you to ask yourself which would you prefer to read, the blob you presented to the world, or this?

The same words run through her head. Worthless, nothing, a waste. She has heard them so many times she now believes them. She is used to the pain now it's almost comforting. She feels like there isn't any other feeling besides this. Hopelessness. She feels as if she is in the bottom of a deep dark hole. Full of pain and sorrow.

No one is going to rescue her. No one can help her. She feels nothing anymore, the cuts cant even help as they once did before. They distract her as she watches the blood pool onto the floor. She wishes that all of her blood would just spill out.

She cries wanting to leave this world. She asks god why he put her here. Why is he punishing her like this? She didn't remember doing something so wrong. She didn't deserve this. But then the words rush back. Worthless, nothing, a waste. She did deserve this. Who was she kidding she was worthless. She was nothing. She was a waste.

She brings back the blade, trying to build up the courage to cut deeper. Cut away all the pain. All of the hurt.

She wanted so badly just to leave. To go anywhere but here. She can't hold on any longer. She sits and watches the pool of blood grow bigger. She doesn't want to stop. Not until it's too late. She cries. She knows that she isn't lucky enough to escape. She knows that she is stuck here. She is going to stay in her deep dark hole.

She wishes someone would help her. She wishes someone would save her. But no one can. She was worthless, nothing, a waste. Now she's gone.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

94

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3943505

Review of change

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi there Lucy P

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

change

(E)
living with being different
#1971824 by Lucy P

Welcome to WDC. I hope you are enjoying your stay here. As you explore and learn about the site you will find the nicest people here.They are always ready to help and answer questions. If I can be of help please feel free to ask me anytime.

General Impressions

I read your story you made it very interesting. Once I started it I had to finish it

Favorite Parts

My fingers ran over every piece of gum, some moist, some hard; it reminded me of when I was six- my first pack of chewing gum. I unwrapped each piece uncannily, ‘naked gum’ – I smiled. I chewed every piece only 16 times as not to lead myself into the disappointing after taste of nothing but a rubbery substance hoarding my mouth. I was hooked. You did a great job of describing how a child sees gum. I really like this part very nicely done great detail.

Plot

We normally find out the plot in a short story by the title, the description, and reading the story. We read the story to see how confused we get. I was not confused they were well thought out and matched your plot of describing how it feels growing up with a handicap or disability. Although in a few places I was half expecting a werewolf or a monster of some kind to come out and bite the stupid noisy humans.

Characters

You did a great job on describing the main character. Example: Change is my biggest fear. I hated new shoes, new sheets, new anything. I have tried so hard to be normal, but I am not normal and I never will be. My whole life I have been the one people stare at, the name whispered behind backs, the person who is just a little bit different. But I have grown used to it and it doesn’t bother me because it’s not different. It’s something I’ll always have to deal with and it’s something I have accepted. I can’t walk near bins, I can’t use public toilets and I’ve never been shopping. My name is Holloway, Holloway Cotswold. I like how this states "Hey meet me I'm the Main character" and "welcome to my world."

Setting

I had no trouble with your settings. I always knew exactly where we were in the story. You never over describing the settings.

Dialog

This is told in first person it is all dialog. As a whole you did a great job on telling your story and advancing your plot.

Grammar and Spelling

My name is Holloway, Holloway Cotswold <--- Where is the period?

I always take comfort in a fact, something that doesn’t haven’t many different possibilities – <--- That segment really doesn't read well at all. It pulls the reader out of the story going "What the heck?" A suggestion: I always take comfort in a fact, something that doesn’t have many different possibilities –

Being different is what defines you as a person, it shows you’re bold and it shows your character. I’m unique and I quite like it, I would change the way I am if I could start again, I would change the person I have become for anyone or anything. <--- This part is very confusing. I think you left out the word "not" let me try and insert it in at the confusing parts. Being different is what defines you as a person, it shows you’re bold and it shows your character. I’m unique and I quite like it, I would not change the way I am if I could start again, I would not change the person I have become for anyone or anything.

Presentation

This part is the single most important part of writing we are artists of words we are professionals at our art. Why would you want anyone reading a jumbled up run together story.

As a professional you want us to see it in it's best polished state with line spacing and indents. The grammar and other mistakes happen no one is perfect. As a reader I never hold it against you. But if your looking to get noticed and read a lot. You don't put up a run together story and expect the pros to read it.

I really am trying to tell you if an editor or publisher saw this there just went your first good impression. You do write like a pro right now, but no one will see it. If you need help on using the site tools to edit your work I would be very happy to help you out.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

95

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14 days may be credited.

#3943472

Review of The Doctor's Appointment

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there jenfro! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

The Doctor's Appointment

(E)
Dad is diagnosed with a new condition
#1971829 by Jillian Frost

I want to take time and welcome you to WDC. I hope your enjoying your stay here. I found the most helpful and nicest people here. They are always willing to help out. If I can help you out please feel free to ask.

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

I liked the story and the use of those expressions. I found it very entertaining and my sense of humor was intrigued by this witty and creative way you did the story.

Favorite Parts

your father shouts out ‘There’s more fish in the sea.’ I would include all the rest but why give it away the reviewers will just have to read this story themselves. It is the rest of it I found so funny and it brightened up my day great job.

Plot

With most short stories the way we do plot is we read the title, description, and read the story and see how confused we get. Your title and description match the plot, very nice job.

Characters

The father, daughter and Doctor are very well done not enough detail to bog down the story. You mostly allowed us to paint our own. This is part of showing us rather than telling us. You didn't drag me the reader kicking and screaming to the next event. Great job on showing.

Setting

I had no problems knowing exactly where we were at all times during the story. Another great job on showing verses telling. Example: “In the time that he has been with us at Oak Tree Rest."

Dialog

You used your dialog well to tell the story as well as advance the plot! Example: “Mrs. Kelly, please don’t be offended. You just used a perfect example of the phrases that your father is saying. It took me off guard.”

Spelling and Grammar

As his doctor, I need to see that the gets the best care that we can provide here. <---Dang you almost made it. I was hoping the Grammar Nazi was not going to find one mistake so close! Shouldn't that be "he" not "the" I want you to know I really wouldn't have found it except it threw me right out of the story. I had to back up and go "What! Run that by me again?" It finally dawned on me it was missing the pronoun he. I find these type of mistakes in my own work by reading it out loud before hitting save.

I gave this story a Four Star rating. There are a few tweaks you can do to it still to make it publishable. I would like to pass on one more tip if I may. When I first started on WDC I was going to do all my work as E rated so I will not offend the ladies on the site. It was a good idea at the time but it was hindering my work and notability. I learned that E is for children. It doesn't mean I have to add offensive language to my writing it means I'm not using my market. Ten to twenty percent of the site is children. The adults will search for 13+ or higher to find reading material. I am suggesting to use the rating system to target your reading market thus this should have been a 13+ rating.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

96

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3943445

Review of My time with Hannah.

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there Lieks1997

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

My time with Hannah.

(E)
Being a foster ''parront'' at Brainy Birds - Parrot training and rescue facility.
#1971805 by Lieks1997

Welcome to WDC! You will find this site to be full of nice friendly people always willing to help. If you have questions or feeling lost please feel free to drop me an e-mail any time.

General Impressions

This was a nice story about meeting a parrot for the first time and some of the tricks to taking care of a parrot.

Favorite Parts

That's right. That cute little ball of feathers brought out the love in Hannah and for the first time, she approached me waiting for her treats. I like how the introduction of the second bird seemed to solve some of the problems dealing with the new bird.

Plot

With all short stories you determine plot by reading the title, description, and the story. Now you read it to see how confused you get. I wasn't confused at all. This means the title and description all matched your plot of telling us about your time with Hanna.

Characters

All I really know about Hanna was "She" was a parrot nothing more. No color, no what type of parrot he/she was etc... You gave even less about Toeksie. "That cute little ball of feathers." You don't need to do a shopping list but there was two or three really good places to give a single detail and it wouldn't have detracted from the story.

Setting

You did a really great job on your setting and background with this story.

Dialog

Since this was told as a first person it is all dialog you told your story very well. I was impressed with the work as a whole it read well.

Grammar and Spelling

2 Weeks before our journey begun, Hannah arrived at the rescue centre after her owner decided to move but couldn't (or wouldn't) take Hannah along with her.<---Numbers it should be Two not 2. Next it should be center not centre.

We brought her back home, set her cage in place,<--- Are we in a time warp? How can you bring her back when she has never been to your home? If you delete the word back it stops reader confusion. In that sentence you are specifically referring to Hanna who has never been to your home yet.

Presentation

I loved the colored title or chapter markers very nicely done. I am mostly reviewing your story as a reader. The first thing I noticed was in the description the use of "Parront." Before I was going to open mouth, insert foot, and bite down hard. I googled it. I found out it is a real word and means parent of a parrot. You were using it correctly. I wanted to point out that was a great way to entice readers to your story as well.

The only flaw with the story presentation was no indents on the paragraphs. I might be old fashion but to me these little things are what makes the difference between a pro and a novice. If you use {indent} and put it in the hidden note pad it is so easy to edit and insert it in.

One last tip if I may. What audience is this story intended for? When I read the ratings and expectations I always tried to keep my writing E. But E means children which is only maybe ten to twenty percent of the site. The rest of us will look for +13 or higher because we are adults. Use the ratings to target your audience.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

97

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3942918

Review of I'm not supposed to talk to you

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi there ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing {bitem:}

General Impressions

I found your story cute and funny it was almost as if it was real. I enjoyed seeing how to tell a story in dialog. It read very well and it was a smooth reading. I think I read it over at least two or three times both for the review, for being a Grammar Nazi, and just because it was fun to read.

Favorite Parts

“I called someone a name at recess. I shouldn't be talking to you” I liked this part because you used it mid point and it leads right into the ending. Very nicely done!

Plot

You know plot can be tricky because you use the title, description and read the story and see how confused you get. I wasn't confused at all they both match and the story backs them up. Great job on sticking to your plot.

Characters

All Three characters are very believable you didn't over describe any of them. "Blonde haired Sherry sat in the first row dutifully working on the detention assignment."

Setting

"The two girls sat in the detention classroom." We always knew exactly where we were at all times. Very nice job.

Dialog

I really enjoyed how to told the whole story in dialog between the two girls. Really nice job.

Presentation

The only thing that could be better is line spacing between the speech lines. We are professionals we do what the pros do because you never really know who reads our work.

Grammar and Spelling

I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor but it is true!)

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

98

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3942602

Review of Princess of Hades - Chapter one

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

"Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie!

Dear eyeQ

I am reviewing your "Princess of Hades - Chapter one"

as a student in the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy" . These are just my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

I would like to take the time to welcome you to WDC. As you explore the site you will find a lot of nice people who are always willing to help you out. If I can help in anyway please feel free to ask.

General Impressions

You have an interesting concept with the dream. I think that this could be an interesting book.

Favorite Parts

It was scarier than any of my dreams I have ever seen these last years. I Liked this because it started to all make sense for me at that point.

Plot

This part can be confusing to alot of people even the reviewers. I hope this is a book ot novel then it would all make sense. To review a short story you take the title, the description and read the story and see how confused you get. But with a book you look for components of the plot again using title and description. since the first chapter was all back ground and starts leading up to the plot it is hard to say at this time I did see an element of it by the title.

Characters

I feel that you need to do a bit more on the guy and also on the main character going again by title that the girl is the main and the boy is a sub character. Most first chapters in a novel do a bit more detail by interaction with each other.

Setting

You doing setting well they are not over describeb also you adding a bit of mystery to them which is a great part hinting at the dream piece. Very good job on that part.

Dialog

Since it is all first person your doing good on telling us whats going on and where.

Presentation

I use this section to give some good tips that all of us need now and then. You have the ability and skills to be a great writer. To be a professional great writer you need to understand professionalism is an attitude it is not a degree handed to you. A professional would have read this work out loud and and fixed any mistake they could find. A professional would have used save and edit and edited in spacing and indents. A tip for indents is {indent} just cut and paste this in front of every paragraph. You should always make your work the best it can be. The reason is you never know who will read it. I noticed you rated it for your market good job on that.

Now since this is a piece of a larger work you really need your description to be the best part of the thing we see first. A contest judge taught me that trick. After all the description is what we look at to review so make it pull us into your book. It maybe the only thing a publisher looks at.

Grammar and Spelling

{size:5}A Dream<--- To use Writing ML it reminds me of a programing language called Pascal. In Pascal you use{} to make it work correctly. What you did was inserted the {B} between the 5 and its ending }. The best way is {size:5}{b}A Dream{/b}{/size}.

That night I had a strange feeling, a feeling if as I was lost among the dark clouds and shadows. <--- I have a dyslexic key board so typing can be interesting at times. I am always forced to reread every sentence before moving on to the next sentence. Your sentence is fine except the part in red and underlined you should reverse it to read "as if" when you do the whole sentence will flow.

Only then when I began to hear some voices and as it was calling someone, and was getting nearer to me.<--- You use this too many times same as I used to do in my writing. It is a time issue the correct use is to not use it at all, a good rule of thumb is one per chapter. The other point is some of those should actually be "than."

That wasn't a frightening voice but the thing which I scared of was running of some strange people towards me.<---When I read this I went "What! Run that by me again." I still don't have a clue what your really trying to convey in that sentence. I would suggest to use your muse and redo it.

I said to the doctor as I if was very worried, he replied "Don't worry boy" and smiled.<---Your pausing and continuing writing but your not going back and rereading your work. A simple mistake we all do it. One of the best tricks to fix these and other errors is simply read it out loud before saving it.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

99

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3941807

Review of Happy Birthday

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi there Nabbit

}! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Happy Birthday

(13+)
A little girl gets a fantastic present for her birthday.
#1971104 by Nabbit

Welcome to WDC. I'm sure you read this before. I really do mean it. There are some really nice people here who want to help you and very willing to answer questions. I will always be happy to help and do what I can.

General Impressions

That was an interesting take on an infomercial spoof. It was not quite what I was expecting from the title or the description and the rating and genre didn't give it away either. Still I read it all the way through it was nicely done a great read for a Friday. I loved the plot twist you did.

Favorite Parts

"Tired of the flabby fat beneath your chin? Try La Guillotine today, and it will zap your fat away! La Guillotine was and crafted by the most prestigious black smiths of France, so it will be able to handle all of your needs instantaneously! One, two, three, and thunk!"
I love that piece of description this the first place you set it up in the story I'm not going to go into a lot of detail because I want everyone else to read the story it is worth the reading time!

Plot On a short story I use the title, description and read the story to see how confused I get. Your story, title and description all match up. You really did a great job on it. The only thing I would suggest is the story type really is Scary/Horror and Dark as well. They will not give it away but will attract more readers as well. As an author know your markets and you want all the exposure you can get. I would also add Action / Adventure and Sci-Fi as well. If you run out of boxes use the type in box and add those in there so the website search engine will que your work when us bored and just want to read something new authors can find your work.

Characters You actually did your characters very well. They developed as the story went along. You did a very good job on that part.

Setting All though finding a mall open at 6:30am seems a bit much. But hey writers license it could happen.

Dialog Your dialog was done well it advanced the story and the plot great job.

Presentation Now is the part that as an author we are always in a hurry to get our work reviewed. We tend to forget that we are professionals. Being a professional is an attitude not a degree someone gives you. Even a work in progress should shine, be correctly formatted, correctly spaced, and indented. After all you never really know who will read your work looking for ideas. Always be the professional you are with all your work because it is what sells you.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

100

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3941377

Review of Treasure of Gold

Review by The Run-on King...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi there Brenna

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Treasure of Gold

(E)
A kid finds a treasure
#1970991 by Brenna

General Impressions

I found your story cute and your correct a child would think and behave that way. I think you did agood job on tell your story.

Favorite Parts

Then it hit me i can dig a deep hole in the ground no one will find it there. I dug up a deep hole and dropped the rock into it. Yup just like a kid. I like the way you told this section of your story.

Plot

One of the ways we review for plot is compare the title with the description and see how confused we get when we read the story. I wasn't confused because they matched. you did a good job on all of it.

Characters

You did a great job on your characters. they were not over described and well rounded.

Setting

You did well on your settings. But it would have been better if we knew where he was digging the holes at like a flowerbed around the house or a garden in the back yard. That would have added to the story and is always nice to know.

Dialog

Since this is all first person it all is dialog and you used it well to tell the story and advance the plot.

Presentation

I am taking the time to share some tips that show the professional from the novice. First tip professionalism is an attitude not a degree someone gives you. Second tip always read your work out loud before the final save. Third tip a professional always capitalizes their I's, spaces between paragraphs, uses indents, and never allows other people to see it until they have made sure it is their best work. You write like a professional would, you do need to pretty up your work like the pro you really are!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group"

!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .