Hello, thank you for offering your piece for review on the auto-rewards page. I'm so glad I came across this heart-touching story!
I love the fact that she was able to find herself, because of the divorce. Her passion for living life, treasuring her unexpected (and formerly thought of as unwanted, before the fact) pregnancy was an inspiration!
As I read on, I sighed as her life turned into one of inner peace and beauty. A life of blessings, to many of us.
I am an artisan, so loved the fact that both of them were creative spirits- all was dreamy... until! (Don't want to spoil it for the review readers)
I have a few suggestions below- these are only suggestions, so please use or discard them as you see fit:
Angela remembered when there was a pot bellied stove for heat and a kitchen a little larger than the size of a large walk in closet. There were only two small bedrooms with single beds and chests. There had been oil lamps on the bed side tables and she remembered reading by those and the smell was overwhelming. When Angela was a small child they still used an out house.
Technically, the paragraph above is fine. It just seems to read a bit awkwardly. I believe it may flow a little better arranged slightly different:
Example:
Angela remembered when there was a pot bellied stove for heat and a kitchen a little larger than the size of a large walk in closet. As a small child she would brave the elements to use the home's only bathroom, the outhouse. There were only two small bedrooms with single beds and chests. Without realizing it, her nose crinkled, as she remembered the overwhelming fumes emitted by the oil lamps, each which sat on the bed side tables, where she use to read.
new counter tops were put on.
new counter tops were installed.
They liked their separate and together lives.
They enjoyed both their together and separate lifestyles.
There was already strawberries and champagne by the outside hot tub.
Strawberries and champagne invitingly sat beside the hot tub.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed it.
Welcome to Writing.com! It's so great to have you with us! I received your writing from the "Read a Newbie" page.
You're so brave to write about this. There are so many out there who are going through the same problem, and your writing might help them cope with it easier, and make them feel less alone.
I myself, have many back and leg problems- so can relate to some of what you're going through. I hope you continue to work on this piece- as I think it would be something that others going through similar experiences would like to read.
Below are a few suggestions. I hope they are some help to you, but please use them or discard them as you see fit:
Alot of people
A lot is one of the most misspelled words in the English language, but it's actually two words: A lot
nor do they knowhow to
You need a space between know and how
prescrptioon medication
prescription medication
neck and when it shifts it pinches nerves ad can cause extreme pain o if it sticks when it shifts it can be deadly.
neck. When shifted, nerves are pinched, which causes extreme pain. It also causes a lot of apprehension, because if it happens to stick, when it shifts, it can be deadly.
numbness that hurts mainly in the arms, of balance, sometimes i go paralized from the waste down which has lasted up to 5 hours at a time.
numbness that hurts mainly in my arms, vertigo, to temporary paralysis from waist down, which can last up to five hours at a time.
I actually have to take wither my arms or legs and pull them back on the couch or bed whichever i sleep on. I am alsoi diagnosices with lupus which causes my arms and legs to swell, go numb, break out in hives from stress, to being out in he sun.
Sometimes, I'll have to pull my arms or legs, back onto the place I'm lying on. I am also diagnosed with Lupus which causes swelling and numbness in my extremities. I try to avoid as much direct sun and stress as possible, as both can cause me to break out in hives.
These medical problemsrequire heavy narcotics which are very addictie. Studies have showe th addiction can also be inhereated through genes... People who do onot understandhow serious these medical problems are have no understanding of how we loose control to addiction.
These medical problems require heavy narcotics, which are very addictive. Studies have shown the addiction can also be inherited through genes... People who do not understand how serious these medical problems can be, have no understanding of how we lose control to addiction.
Try reading through your piece for small errors. You can click on your piece and click on edit up top, and be able to edit your writing, without having to do over. You have several small mistakes throughout, that won't take but a minute to fix- mostly spacing and misspelled words, with only a letter left off.
Please let me know if I can be of any help to you. I'm more than happy to help all I can. Stay strong and keep writing. Writing is so good for the soul.
KEEP WRITING!
Tracey My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
Your description of your first chapter pulled me right in! Great job on grabbing the reader's attention!
I think you have a wonderful idea for a story. I look forward to reading more, when you have it completed.
You give us a wonderful visualization of the house, and a few hints of the secrets it may hold. I would have liked to had gotten to know the main characters a bit more intimately within the first chapter. I look forward to getting to know them more in the second chapter, or as I read on.
I have a few suggestions below. Please use or discard them as you see fit:
Reaching in the breast pocket
Reaching into the breast pocket...
The sound stayed on her heals and she made
The sound stayed on her heels, as she made...
I know it's to late
I know it's too late...
Good luck on your novel!
WRITE ON!
Tracey My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
So many truths are written within this free verse poem.
Our lives would be so much easier, if we learn to just let go and let God. To unload our burdens for the price of them He has already paid. But God gave us free will - he will not force us to go anywhere we do not want to go willingly - the peace, comfort, healing and blessings all await us- if we will only turn to Him, trust and have faith.
I try to remind myself of this many times throughout the day, when I notice I'm putting myself in the center and not Jesus.
"God sends no one away, except those who are already full of themselves."
-D.L Moody
Thank you for sharing- I enjoyed the message this morning.
You have a way with words. I enjoyed reading this short, yet passionate piece. Each line read, filled my mind with snapshots of the freedom of living among nature, and being able to appreciate the simple things in life- which is the true beauty of life. These simple things are what brings peace to one's soul and a quietness to one's mind.
The only suggestion I have is to write the piece in stanzas, instead of one paragraph. If you would prefer to have it as a solid writing - more as a prose piece, I still believe your readers would benefit from it being spaced or structured a bit. That way your beautiful lines will have more time to take hold in the reader's mind, and the beauty won't be lost in the inability to pause.
Wow! This free form poem is very intense. Sadly, I have been to the point in life where I can completely relate.
Suspended in air...
dangling lifelessly
The beginning of your writing, reminds me of an out-of-body experience.
Darkness engulfs the universe...
leaving just a pinpoint of light
crushed between the denseness
of a bodyless entity.
These lines could have been written from me - during a negative OBE. Flying through the opaque universe, I fly pass the tunnel of light, my thought was, "Shouldn't I have went in there?" This is not the place to talk about what happened next, but your poem goes on to explain it well.
Even though your writing may be referring to a different experience: night terrors, depression, etc... for me, your writing clearly related to a negative OBE experience.
Your emotion is intense and pulls the reader in - especially if one can sadly relate.
This prologue peaked my interest in this story. I enjoyed the two different views presented - first by the man and then by the woman. The same ending to both views added a deeper meaning and intrigue to the story.
Some of the writing doesn't flow real well and felt a bit choppy.
Example:
Her chest lifted softly and with each breath the faint blush of sleep crept along her cheeks.
It may just be me, but I had a hard time of seeing how 'sleep' can be noticed in her cheeks? An alternative line could be:
Her chest lifted softly, and with each breath her eyes fluttered with the faint blush of sleep.
She looked like an angel with her sleep tousled blonde hair framing her head like a halo.
did the girl lying sleeping on the bed.
You did a wonderful job on expressing her thoughts and emotions.
These are only my suggestions, please use or discard them, as you see fit.
This is a truly beautiful writing. I can just imagine the one reading this, for whom it was written - I know it must have taken her breath.
The whole writing is heart-touching and soul-stirring. Your powerful words filled my mind with visual stimulation, which seemed to take on a life of their own.
Although I enjoyed the whole writing, I do have my favorite lyrics:
Pouring like liquid lyrics of a song,
Unfiltered, into my soul.
Absolutely Gorgeous lines!
Like swirling galaxies do they hypnotize
--I am lost:
Strong and visual. Pulls the reader right into the writer's senses.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful, intimate writing. I look forward to reading more from you.
What a beautiful tribute to one held so close to your heart and soul. Your words portrayed powerfully to the reader the bond that you two held in life, and proved even in death, the bond is still held strong.
I love the way you expressed that you will keep living life, as you did when he was here. That you will abide by his wishes, and not let his death rob you of the life you have left to live.
The writer easily portrays the feeling of love and happiness he feels during the holidays, especially on Christmas Day. The reflection of others at the end is very heart touching and shows the caring heart of the writer.
My only suggestion is to maybe add a bit more 'show' instead of just 'telling' all throughout the story. This will enable the reader to relate to the narrator more intimately.
I enjoyed reading your writing and look forward to reading more.
Have a great day.
Tracey
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Oh my gosh! What a freaking di**head! I can't believe that band member - what in the world was his problem? He should have gotten fired (rather, the whole band). That was just totally wrong and rude!
I've been on both ends - too heavy and too skinny - now I'm in the middle of getting to my heaviest as an adult, and slowly (over the last few years) been back on my way down. It's been a long, hard fight and I still have quite a few pounds to go. When I was skinny, I got the 'skinny comments' but since I had been heavy in the past, I actually kind of enjoyed the skinny remarks - then at my biggest, being so short, I've had the other looks.
I'm in a 9-10 now, more on the 10 side and want to make my way down to a 5-7 size- which is a good size for me.
It's ashamed adults still pick on others. Evidentally, life has been too easy on them and they haven't had to grow up. If they did, they'd see this is the least thing that truly matters! We're hard enough on ourselves, as far as our weight and looks go- we don't need others chiming in their critisisms!
Thanks so much for sharing your story - maybe it'll wake some imature brat up! (One can always dream)
This is truly beautiful and could not have been said any better
I like that you took a sentiment that we hear almost daily and expanded on it. The reader can easily tell you put a lot of thought into your words. I also like the Emily Dickinson quote. I don't think you could have closed this writing any stronger than the way you did - it's both powerful and beautiful!
Hi Liza! I found this writing through the link from "Tell Me About Yourself!!" [13+] Thank you so much for dropping by the forum
Your honesty in this prose is touching. Your raw emotion draws the reader in and enables us to feel a special connection with you, like we have been old friends - maybe it's the simple fact that you bring secret thoughts, shared by so many, up to the surface - and from your opened thoughts and emotions, we can relate.
A few suggestions - please take or discard them, as you see fit.
I mean I will never get to space nor will I ever meet an elian,
I mean I will never get to space, nor meet an alien.
And I will never climb to the Everest’s top
Or climb to the top of Mount Everest
I wont dance with Michael Jackson
Cause he had already died.
This would be a good time to add words which will add visual images to your reader's mind:
I will never dance with Michael Jackson,
As his soul now dances in Heaven.
I’d rather walk on the beach at sunshine.
I'd rather walk on the beach at sunrise (or in the sunshine)
I was never in love,
Since you're still living and breathing, maybe change this to:
I have yet to fall in love (or I have never been in love)
I get sad allot
Did you know a lot is one of the top misspelled words in the english language?
I get sad a lot
I don’t believe that crying is wick
I don't believe crying is weak
And I can start from the start.
And I can start from the beginning.
Sometimes I pick to the past,
Do you mean drift to the past?
I enjoyed reading about you and getting to know you a bit
Hello Countrymom, it's so good visiting your port again! I've always enjoyed your poetry, and this poem is certainly no exception.
Your words flowed smoothly, right along with the love so evident in each line.
What a wonderful reminder that even though we may not understand God's plan fully, we only see one page at a time of our story, while God is the writer and publisher!
I smiled from beginning to end - and while I enjoyed the whole poem, I believe this is my favorite stanza:
I looked out and saw the bright yellow
of dandelions on the hillside and found
that while I had labored long and hard,
It was God's garden that grew around.
Excellent, informative article for new members, or those who may not be as familiar with WDC. You lead the reader down a list of all important, helpful sites to get their work noticed. I also like that you follow up each recommendation with a short introduction of what the page holds for the reader and how to utilize each page.
Adding direct links to the pages you recommend, definitely enhances the article, and adds simplicity to finding these all important sites!
The pages and links you added were a nice variety. Something for everyone!
My only suggestion is to fix the link under Tip #3 - one of the links is showing as an invalid item.
Thank you SM for all you provide us here on WDC! It truly is the best place on the web
I really enjoy reading diary entry writings. You have such an excellent idea for a longer story, perhaps even a book. I would definitely consider expanding this story. I truly enjoyed reading this and know with a bit of polishing, it will be a story enjoyed by many!
I have a few suggestions listed below. Please use or discard them, as you see fit:
we, the slaves,
we the slaves,
So, it gets pretty stinky
No need for the comma
mud fill the air
mud fills the air
smell drew me in to a bush.
smell drew me into a bush.
Consider rewriting the sentence below:
an enraged bull, and it took all of my own strength to pull it off and swim to safety. I escaped with few injuries.
an enraged bull. With all my strength I pulled, twisted and slithered free of its bolt-like clamp . . .
This is a great opportunity to use words that will place the reader in her world - draw us in, make our eyes wide with the anticipation of what will happen next.
thrown in the dungeon
thrown into the dungeon.
Consider rewriting the sentence below:
Only five in fifty slaves thrown down there survive there full sentence. My dad was not one of the five.
Few thrown into such jagged, damp depths ever survive their full sentence - sadly, my dad was no exception . . .
mane talked about a plan.
Mane talked of a plan.
couldn’t read the last few entrees
couldn't read the last few entries.
All we’ve been getting are bread
All we've been getting is bread
My brother past away
My brother passed away
If you decide to add to this story, please let me know. I'd love to read it!
Very strange incident, indeed. It sounds to me, as if the ex got jealous over the poem you left, and decided to put you through a bit of trouble. It's really sad, but there are so many corrupt police and troopers - it's really pretty scary. Thanks to technology, they don't get away with things quite as bad as they use to!
I have a few suggestions below. Please use or discard them, as you see fit.
State Tropper
State Trooper
Tree months
Three months
Your the guy
You're the guy
no responce
no response
polgraph test
polygraph test
schedual
schedule
I ave heard nothing since
I haven't heard anything since.
Being Acused
Being Accused
What if acused
What if accused
raised , in
Delete the extra spaces before and after the comma
he never fails
He never fails
I hope the review was of some help, and I definitely hope this horrible experience is behind you!
Awwww This is such a beautiful tribute to your mother. I have lost both of my parents and know the depths of the emotional pain it brings- some days are better than others, and the old adage is true: It gets better with time. But no matter how many years have passed, there will still come along the days that bring a sadness and thoughts of what may have been.
Just remember they are always with us. When you need to, talk to your mom, you will hear her answer within your heart
Excellent as always I always enjoy reading your stories, especially horror. I wasn't surprised when the story grabbed my attention from the very start and held it intently throughout! Your vivid words kept the movie playing within my mind, with every sentence read!
I believe this was one of my favorite analogies, of the many:
She bent toward him, the tendons in her neck creaking like the hinges of a rusty spring-door
I look forward to seeing if there are any other of your stories I haven't read yet.
I love the message of your writing- and agree with much of it. Our thoughts and words have more power than what many believe. It is with a word and vision that our world and all within was created- and it is our words and the visions we put with those words that can bring life or destruction.
I believe the veil is being lifted more now than ever before - but it is up to the individual to open their eyes, heart, soul and mind, to see and discern the truth that now lies before them.
While reading this my heart ached for your pain, my soul joined with yours, for I could of been reading my own words. No person could ever prepare anoher for the role of a parent, especially a mother. All of the emotions associated with being a mom are magnifyed 1,000X- the pain is like no other and at times we wonder how we will survive- it is then when the love floods over us- it is this intense love that saves us and reminds us that it is all worth it and some how we will make it through, even stronger than before. It is the love alone that would make us do it all over again- even with all the heartache- and then if we're lucky we get a blessed gift: A grandbaby! And even though the intense emotions are still the same, the blessing is so fabulous, as we get more of the best parts of being a grandmother- and our love just continues to grow, right along with our family
Please write me anytime you need to talk and get things off of your chest- I have felt the exact same way many times over (and still do)
Hello Emma,
I'm happily returning your kind review
While your poem may need a bit of technical work, the emotion of your words were very strong. My hope is that you are no longer under such harsh circumstances. My heart truly went out to you- which shows you definitely accomplished the emotional impact of your writing, with this reader
I have a few suggestions for you. Please take or leave them, as you see fit.
Throughout your piece, you need a space behind each comma.
*flower* They won't control me,let alone own
They will not control or own me
I am so much stronger,my intelligence has grown
My strength and wisdom grow stronger
They have predicted the downfall
They have predicted my downfall
but they don't understand all that I saw
But they underestimate me.
Their life is so sick,
masochistic and violent
They're evil and filled with violence
They play with us like brainless puppets
Treating us as brainless puppets.
but I won't play along,I'm nothing like this
It's a riot I will start
I will no longer be controlled,
I've cut my invisible strings.
no matter what paths will come to part
My life will never end this way
after all this,they will be sure to pay
Our paths, I have destined to part;
Your sick ways, will not end my life. after all this,they will be sure to pay
I'm not no doll that gets controlled
I'll build my own life,start my own mold
Piece by piece,they are burning
I'm not no doll that gets controlled
On my own, I'll rebuild myself
Leave them burning, in their own filth.
but I sit here still learning
all their weaknesses, I will plan
to start my own kingdom of my own
I will not be another one of their useless drones
Daily, I continue to learn,
Determined to live life fully.
Never again will I suffer,
As someone else's useless drone.
There is 8 beats in each suggested line
I hope this helped to give you some ideas. Please let me know if I can be of anymore help!
What a scary story! I'm so sorry you had to go through such a horrifying time in your life- but also grateful that you were there beside him, and like you realized, that everything did happen the way it did.
Your fear and emotion comes over quite strongly, and the reader can easily feel the controlled panic you, as his mother, was going through. We can also feel the gratitude of praising God for making each incident happen as it did, so you could keep your darling angel son with you
Thanks so much for sharing this scary time in your life with us. By you sharing your story, you may have unknowingly help save other earthly angels- by giving a parent or guardian instructions of what to do if this ever happened to one of their own.
GREAT JOB!
Tracey
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(Don't want to spoil it for the review readers)
They liked their separate and together lives.
There was already strawberries and champagne by the outside hot tub. 
neck and when it shifts it pinches nerves ad can cause extreme pain o if it sticks when it shifts it can be deadly. 
numbness that hurts mainly in the arms, of balance, sometimes i go paralized from the waste down which has lasted up to 5 hours at a time.
I actually have to take wither my arms or legs and pull them back on the couch or bed whichever i sleep on. I am alsoi diagnosices with lupus which causes my arms and legs to swell, go numb, break out in hives from stress, to being out in he sun.
These medical problemsrequire heavy narcotics which are very addictie. Studies have showe th addiction can also be inhereated through genes... People who do onot understandhow serious these medical problems are have no understanding of how we loose control to addiction. 
Try reading through your piece for small errors. You can click on your piece and click on edit up top, and be able to edit your writing, without having to do over. You have several small mistakes throughout, that won't take but a minute to fix- mostly spacing and misspelled words, with only a letter left off. 
GREAT JOB! 
Pouring like liquid lyrics of a song,
Why are you yelling, mommy?” 
(One can always dream)
And I will never climb to the Everest’s top
Did you know a lot is one of the top misspelled words in the english language? 
Sometimes I pick to the past,
They won't control me,let alone own 
They have predicted the downfall
but they don't understand all that I saw
Their life is so sick,
They play with us like brainless puppets
but I won't play along,I'm nothing like this
no matter what paths will come to part
I'm not no doll that gets controlled
There is 8 beats in each suggested line 
GREAT JOB!