Hey Jack,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!
This is a pretty good story about a man's memories of a co-worker. While I could relate to it easily, it did leave me with a few questions. The biggest one being, if the young recruit found the ball, what had happened to make the ball become lost? Later on in the story, we find the significance of the ball, but since it 'magically' appeared on Sergeant Brown's desk, it seems it was initially lost or misplaced. That was never explained in the story.
I liked the flow of this, the memories of the Captain as he remembered Ebb and the things that occurred during his career. But other than the initial dialog between the captain and the recruit, there wasn't much other dialog. What this did to the story, is make it more 'tell' than 'show'. I'm sure you've heard that phrase before. I will try to point out at least one place where you could have used dialog to enhance the story a bit.
You also have a tendency (as do I at times), to use run-on sentences. At other times, some of your sentences are too short, and do not make much sense as written. Another thing to watch for, is an overuse of comma's. Again, I will try to show you places you've done that, without picking the story apart. My goal is to help you improve your skills, not tear this apart.
Title: Very good for this story. But without a character named Pete in it, I thought it was a little bit of a stretch. The story didn't center around Pete Rose, it was all about Ebb, his life on the force, and the memories of one man, the captain.
Description: Very good as well, but you should removed the comma after fondly, it's not needed.
Grammar: Your use of grammar was fine, I just noticed the run-on sentences and comma usage in a couple of places.
General Comments:
1. I believe this belongs to you Cap." You are missing the opening quotation marks here.
2. Jack Doyle sat in the back of the small Anglican Church listening to the eulogy of Ebenezer Benjamin Brown; Ebb to his friends and co-workers, when living, he was a short, barrel chested, ham fisted tank of a man that walked precariously on a pair of spindly bowlegs. This is a very wordy, run-on sentence that could easily be two or three. If I may, here's a suggestion. Jack Doyle sat in the back of the small Anglican Church listening to the eulogy of Ebenezer Benjamin Brown. He was known as Ebb to his friends and co-workers. He was a short, barrel chested, ham fisted tank of a man that walked precariously on a pair of spindly bowlegs.
3. In fact with his cauliflower ears, flat nose and scars on his forehead.
This is one of those sentences that doesn't make sense as written. You could pair it with the sentence that follows it using a comma. In fact with his cauliflower ears, flat nose and scars on his forehead, he bore a striking resemblance to his wrestling moniker, ‘Bulldog’.
4. The thing about men in the company of men, that tend to spend a lot of time together, whether it be in sports, or in closely knit units be it military or law enforcement. They cannot help seeking out weaknesses in their fellow comrades. It could be an ugly tie, or a badass haircut, anything at all, as long as it provided side-splitting hilarity. Anything that will relieve the boredom and provide entertainment is fair game. It will be pounced on like a pack of starving hyenas on a crippled wildebeest. This paragraph is very wordy, a bit run-on, and is not worded well at all. In fact, a couple of sentences in it do not make sense. I know what you're trying to say, and it can be said in far fewer words. Again, if I may offer a suggestion. Men who spend most of their lives in the company of other men, whether it be sports, the military, of any job that causes them to spend a lot of time together, tend to seek out any weakness in the comrades and give them grief over it. Any surmised weakness is picked on, exploited, made fun of, all for the sake of relieving boredom. Even that's wordy, but at least it's a sentence that says what you're trying to say.
5. The herd learned two things from this incident; this is how men learn things, ladies. With this worded as it is, you imply only ladies will read this story. Perhaps a little re-wording would help. The herd learned two things from this incident; but then, this is how men learn things.
6. Ebb kept flipping the ball above his head and catching it when someone who should have known better, a veteran by the name of Jim Lord, chuckled and said; "Be careful you don't miss the ball and break your nose again, Wheezy." Again, a bit run-on, and very wordy. Ebb kept flipping the ball above his head and catching it when a veteran by the name of Jim Lord, chuckled and said; "Be careful you don't miss the ball and break your nose again, Wheezy."
7. Someone weeks later swore, that he had looked out the window and the traffic had stopped, then someone at the back of the room muttered, "Oh s***." You used 'someone' twice in this sentence. Instead, give them names!
8. "After this incident no one ever called Ebb ‘Wheezy’ to his face, or otherwise again, and Jim Lord, he became known as ‘Lumpy’.” You don't need quotation marks for this sentence, no one is speaking.
Overall impressions: A good story about remembering a fellow worker after their death.
Sum1
 WDC POWER RAIDER
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| (3.5)
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
My first intention was to read through this (which I did), and list each thing I thought you might want to edit. But half way through, I decided not to do that, and quit listing edits needed. The reason? I have no desire to ever tear anyone's story or poem to pieces. I'm no expert, nor am I an English Major. My background is similar to yours, (from what I read in your bio). Engineering/Technology. But I do think I write decently well, I just can't specific comments when I read something. But I can notice errors, and provide suggestions for correction. So, get a proof reader and edit this, if you want. Below are my specific comments.
